Love and Obsessions - 3. Chapter 3

Names and nouns

My name is the Persian derivative of effendi, it is an honorific in the in the Ottoman Empire; my parents take great care in naming me considering that we have no connections whatsoever with Iran, the middle east or turkey; and we live nowhere near any of those places. I come from a culture that believes that a person’s given names have an effect in the person’s entire life. Parents buys books, consult religious leaders and magical swamis that read the stars and dates: to do what parents do, decide what they think is best for you even if you end up not liking it or teased at in school for having a weird name. Kidding about the star gazing magical swamis’ thing though, but you can never be too sure with my parents. After two chapters, I realised that I haven’t even used a single name; that is not intentional. I just doesn’t feels right to out of nowhere to drop names; so the name of my ex name is Adam; (I could be a lot smoother with that but anyway) it’s not as if he was something like Harry Potter’s ‘the one who shall not be named’ or anything. It is an inconspicuous name that don’t actually scream douchebag; the name of the very first person created if you were to believe the Abrahamic religions. Adam is a preppy, the boy next door kind of name right?

After numerous ignored calls and e-mails (I did say that I have the tendencies to run from my problems, I thought he get the point by now) he showed up at the lobby of my apartment.

“Hey you’re still alive” his voice is full of sarcasm.

“Now you know, leave” this time I really did get off from work and more than a little short.

“You’re angry at me”

“Genius, What is it that give it away the fact that I don’t answer any of your calls or that I just tell you to leave” I too cross, the guile of him to still act all innocent.

“Why? What did I do? I thought you liked me?”

“YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! Don’t come here and act innocent; you know what you did to me” I was so mad I didn’t care there were people around.

“HEY! If I wanted to be screamed at with cryptic insinuations of faults, I would have dated a girl”

“Is that what we’re doing? Dating or that I am just something on the side for you” I am honestly exhausted and just wanted to end this so I can get home.

The look on his face was unreadable, it was something between surprised and embarrassment. It took a long time for him to respond; I turn around and about to leave thinking that I was home free. “We can’t talk here; people are starting to stare” he grabbed my arm and pulled me all the way out to his car. (I can’t believe that I was so pliant; he literally shoved me into the passenger seat of his car) It was like one of those movie scenes where the girl get romantically whisks away; I probably watch way too many chick flicks to let him do that to me.

“What is there to talk about?” I refuse to look him in the eye; I just stare straight ahead.

He pulled on my shoulder a little to make me look in his general direction “You have to let me explain”.

“There is nothing to explain. What is it you going to say any way? That you guys are breaking up and that it is over. That it is an open relationship; I am not into that by the way.”

His was dumbfounded; I can see it in his face. “It is not what you think it is; Did someone say something to you?”

“NO….Why? DOES HE KNOW ABOUT ME?” I was so mad I could feel my whole body heating up.

“NO…he did something similar before” he still calm which infuriates me further.

“You mean YOU did this before. What the hell am I entertaining you like this for anyway? I am getting out of here” I reach for the door handle violently.

“Don’t, stop….You have to listen to me. How did you found out?” his insistence grew.

“I hear the phone call that morning! Ok”

“Oh thank god” his voice is visibly relief at something.

“THANK GOD WHAT? That he didn’t found out!” I was so angry that he is still trying to cover his tracks.

“OK both of us need to calm down. I have to tell you something”

“I AM CALM! There is nothing else to say. It is OVER, you and I will never see each other again” clearly I am not calm but I don’t like him telling me what to do.

“Yes there is and you need to listen”

My curiosity get the better of me so I stayed, but after a few minute of silence with just me staring at the distance in front of me. He is probably thinking that he is giving me time to calm down a bit. “How long did you wait?” my voice visibly calmer now.

“Huh?” surprised that I started the conversation back again.

“How long did you wait for me to get off from work? Did you waited all day? You didn’t even know what shift I am working in”

“No I didn’t; wait for you all day. I am not a stalker”

“So how did you get here just as I get off from work? Don’t tell me it is a coincidence”

“You should really be more careful of what you tweet; you tweeted that you were glad of finally going home after a horrible day. I thought I surprised you; why did you asked?”

“I was thinking if I should get a restraining order”

He chuckled “I am not a stalker”

“You’re really good at this aren’t you? If I didn’t already knew that you were with someone; an impromptu meet like this would be romantic wouldn’t it?”

“I am not with someone” his voice is direct as if he is stating a fact.

“So who is it that called you that morning?” I felt my anger build up again.

“It’s complicated but I am stuck with him for now”

“What are you married to the guy? Last I check that is not even legal yet in this country”

“I was with him; but not anymore”

“What you broken up with him in the last two days” I can’t believe this guy who the hell is he trying to fool.

“NO it was over a long time ago”

“He called you that morning from somewhere; you said that you love him”

“He is not anywhere; he is not even out of the country”

“What with the time difference thing? Where is he?” I demanded.

“He is in the psych ward at the hospital” his voice is suddenly coloured with regrets.

“What are you telling me? I don’t understand” I now know how people in the middle ages feels like when they were told that the earth isn’t flat; the feeling of all of a sudden everything you know to be true could possibly be wrong.

“I should explain it better; I guess, but you get riled up again and I don’t want you to just walk away” I can finally hear the sincerity in his voice now that I finally pay attention to him instead of my anger.

“Now start at the beginning”

He takes a deep breath as if to muster the courage

“We dated a couple of years ago and it wasn’t for very long either. We’ve known each other since we were kids, our parents are friends; we didn’t date until that year because it never felt right, he was like a brother. His dad died in the beginning of the year and it changed him; saying stuff like we can never have regrets in our lives and that we should at least try it. I finally give in; I shouldn’t have. I could see that something was off with him since his dad died; he wasn’t himself, I should have help him then. It was great at first; he was, he is my best friend; but he get possessive and controlling, making threats when he didn’t get his way. I probably still have that lingering feeling that it was somehow isn’t right and that he is more like a brother to me than anything else.”

He took a pause a stare my face and probably saw my blank expressions; I honestly have no idea what to think.

“What happen then? Why is he in the psych ward?” I try to sound as sympathetic as possible.

“I try to brake it off; explaining that I think of him as nothing more than a brother. That is the first time he try to take his own life. It had been couple of years since then; he has been in and out of the psych ward a couple of times. Just when we thought he’s getting better he get worse” the frustrations and regrets never escape his voice.

“If you said that he is in the psych ward how did he called you?” I have a hard time believing him.

“It’s not a prison, beside he checked in voluntarily; so he still have phone privileges”

“The thing about him forgetting the time difference?”

“He doesn’t know that I know that he check himself in the psych ward; the day he checked himself in, he called and said he went away to say with an aunt of his. He check himself on the condition that nobody told me, but his mother told me anyway; told me to just play along if he called”

I look in his eyes and let out a breath; I didn’t know that I held it since his story begin “I am not sure that I believe you; if all of this is a lie it is the most elaborate lie ever to cover up an infidelity”

“I can’t force you to believe me” he let out a sigh as if he is tired of it too.

“Tell me something; why are you so worried that he contacted me? How would he know about us?”

“He doesn’t, but he did contact somebody that I dated before; well I used to date”

“Explain”

He took a deep breath as if it would inject some invisible courage “He seek out someone I used to date; we already broken up by then but he didn’t know that. He hurled treats and said we were still together; he wasn’t violent, just could get into a lot of trouble”

“What kind of trouble?”

“Get himself beaten up; he almost got arrested if nobody called me”

“What would happen if he found up we were dating?”

“I honestly don’t know” his tone frail almost exhausted.

“Are you afraid the he more likely to hurt himself than to hurt me?”

He simply nodded “He is ok; I mean calm and collected, if he take his meds on time but he is so stubborn sometimes”

“You really love him don’t you?” I said the first thing that cross my mind not knowing anything else to say.

“Not in a romantic way; I known for him all my life and he is like a brother”

“Can I be honest with you?” hesitant of what I’m going to say next.

“That is all I ever want you to be, otherwise I won’t tell you all of this”

“Even if I believe you; I not sure I can handle all this shit. What happen if we started dating and he found out and really did hurt himself? I can’t live with that in my conscience” I too a second together my thought “I not sure I can handle it; and if can’t handle it, we whatever we are wont have a fighting chance”

“I can’t force you into anything; this is my shit to deal with, not yours. I won’t call you again after this; I’ll give it to you to decide. If you willing to give us a fighting chance, you have my number, but know that I want this, us I mean. I wouldn’t told you everything if I didn’t want this.”

After a long silence that neither of seem to want to break; when he did finally break it he just say one word that is like the loud bang of the final nail of a coffin; the mark of finality “Bye”

I walk out of his car without saying a word despite all the thoughts swirling around trying to find a place in my mind; I honestly have no idea what to do, but I know I’m not built for all that drama. I like the fact that my life is mundane and boring; I like the fact that all my decisions effect only one person, me. I don’t know what to do.