The Secret Life Of Billy Chase 7 - 29. Chapter 29

Thursday

- Was Sam always this wise? I can't remember him having so many cool answers to life's little questions before. Or maybe he always did, and I was just taking him for granted all this time. Maybe it's not such a big thing, but I feel like we're finding it a little bit easier to talk to one another these days. Even about 'gay' stuff. I mean, am I imagining that?

It doesn't feel like it.

I actually found it a little less scary to go to his house this morning before school. No hesitation, no shortness of breath, no tricky thoughts bouncing around in my head to make me think twice about looking like some kind of a weirdo. Well...maybe a LITTLE bit of that last one. But Sam greeted me with the same smile, invited me in, he even got dressed in front of me. He's still hot, but I made sure not to watch this morning. I turned my head and just kept talking. He didn't seem to mind at all.

At one point, things felt like they were going really smooth and easy...we were kind of comfortable talking, and I started thinking about Ian and Bobby. I had the idea a while ago, but have been sort of conflicted about it. I figured I'd take a chance and ask Sam. The worst he could say is 'Eww! Shut up!', right?

I was like, "Hey, Sam? Let me ask you something."

He's like, "What's up?"

I say, "Suppose there was this boy...and I knew that he liked this other boy, right? And they...well, ok...they actually like each other. That much I know." Then I'm like, "But they don't know that the other one is...'different'. If you know what I mean. Would it be wrong of me to out one boy to the other to sorta...you know...help things along?"

Sam asked, "So you're going after the Mitchell kid after all?"

I would have slugged him if he were closer. I'm like, "NO! Dammit, I am NOT gonna date Stevie! Where did you even get that from, out of what I just said?"

He's like, "Sorry. Geez. You lost me after boy likes boy, dude. Hehehe!"

I'm like, "I'm just saying...this little problem with shyness and dodging each other in the halls...I might be able to solve it by just getting that ONE issue out of the way. But I don't know if it's wrong to do that or not. It's not really my secret to tell, you know?"

Sam asked, "Sooooo...you're trying to set Jimmy up with Stevie, then?"

I'm like, "NO!!!"

He's like, "Brandon? I thought you liked Brandon? Why set him up with Stevie?"

I could have torn my hair out. I gritted my teeth and said, "This has NOTHING to do with Stevie! Ok??? ALRIGHT??? Neither of these boys has anything to do with Stevie! Get Stevie out of your head."

He's like, "These are are two other boys?"

I said, "Gee, sounds like you're catching on..."

Sam said, "My God...how many gay boys do we have at that school?"

I'm like, "We're not unicorns, Sam. We pretty much pop up everywhere in society. We're natural like that."

He said, "You know what I mean." I didn't. But Sam asked, "Look, these two guys like each other, but they don't know that the other one is gay, and they're both afraid to ask. Right?"

I'm like, "Right."

So Sam says, "Then let them figure it out." As though that was helping me out at all. Well...maybe it was, but I didn't realize that until I thought about it for a while afterward. He's like, "It's just like you said, Billy...it's not your secret to tell. Remember how freaked out you were when you thought other people knew about you? People that you didn't tell personally? I think that would be bad business, dude." Sam started packing up his stuff, and he said, "If you really want to help, I say you take the bravest one of the two, and get him to out himself first. At least then he has control over his own secret, and you don't have to betray anyone's trust in you. Simple."

And you know what? Itwas simple. At least, Sam made it sound that way. Isn't that what I was doing already, though? Maybe I was going about it wrong. Sam was right though. If I told Ian about Bobby before he was ready...he'd have a total meltdown. I just have to find a way to get Ian to just come right out and say it without any build up or foreplay whatsoever. And I have to find a way to do it without letting on that Bobby will give him a guaranteed yes...if he just asks.

I told Sam, "I knew there was a reason I kept you around." And we left for school on time for a change. That's proof positive that I just think too darn much. I guess that some things sound so simple that I feel like I must be missing a bunch of stuff. So my mind starts complicating everything when I should just be shrugging my shoulders like Sam and giving it the typical teenage 'fuck it' attitude. I shall learn from your ways, oh wise one.

I didn't make any sudden movements a few hours later when I saw Ian making those sneaky moves of his to get to Bobby Jinette's locker during passing period. It was cute to see him actually get close enough to trap Bobby before he darted off like the scared little rabbit he is. Hehehe! But I did watch for a minute or two. Ian was nervous. Bobby was shy. But they seemed to be making an attempt to struggle through the discomfort. If only a little bit. Ian has an awesome smile. And Bobby has a blush that shines like a lighthouse beacon whenever he sees it.

They were doing it. They were talking. Smiling. Fidgeting. But they held their ground. And I have to be honest...I think I was a bit jealous of what they had. Hehehe, I've been interested in a lot of boys...a LOT of boys...and I've had some of the hottest sexual encounters that a boy like me could ever hope for. But...it was that awkwardness, that clumsy feeling in the pit of my stomach, that I missed. Being able to look into someone's eyes, and suddenly be lost in an emotional freefall without end. That's what I've been missing. That's what I lost.

The sensation stayed with me for the rest of the school day. It was like having goosebumps, but on the inside. I smiled a few times, sighing to myself as I tried to think of what their first kiss will be like. I mean, can you imagine? Hehehe, Bobby is going to blast off like a cartoon rocket once he gets those lips on Ian. It was more than exciting...it was inspiring. I mean, that was the deal, right? If Bobby and Ian can try, then Brandon and I can try. I figured that it couldn't hurt at all to at least talk to him.

......I was wrong.....

I left one of my classes with this big....STUPID grin on my fucking face, seeking Brandon out and hoping that I could catch sight of him somewhere to see if maybe...if I could just....fucking...

Sighhhh....

Well, I found him. So what? Whatever.

I was actually getting a thrill just from walking in his direction. Anticipating a little bit of a rough start, but Brandon and I always had the easiest conversations when we were together. We never had any trouble sharing a laugh or exchanging a wink and a smile. So how bad could it be, you know?

I got close to him, and I felt like I was blushing just as badly as Bobby Jinette. I smiled at him like, "Hey..."

The look on his face was probably more subtle than it looked to me at the time...but it wasn't the reaction that I was hoping for. I felt like I had suddenly 'trapped' him, and he didn't want to be there. Not with me.

He's like, "Hey, Billy." No feeling. No emotion. Nothing.

Brandon could have stabbed me in the shoulder with a pencil and it would have hurt less.

He just kept putting stuff in his locker, and I wondered if I had just caught him when he was busy thinking about something else. Besides, after talking with Sam, I had already made up my mind that I think too much. So I tried to be as normal as possible.

He smelled good today. Not anything artificial like a spray or a soap or shampoo. Just 100% war Brandon. It was intoxicating. I love being this close to him. Close enough to touch, if only I had the guts.

I was like, "I can't believe that the Summer is almost here. Hehehe, I feel like this Froshman year has been going on for like a decade now!"

Brandon finished packing his stuff up, and he said, "Yeah. That's weird." He shut his locker door and locked it. Again...he barely said enough to me to even warrant the breath it took him to say it. Then you know what he did? He's like, "Well, I've got a study hall, so...I've got to go."

He just starts walking away from me, and I start walking with him. It's not like I was stalking him or grabbing on to his ankles to have him drag me across the hallway floor. I just didn't understand what the sudden cold shoulder was about. I'm like, "Finals coming up, huh? Yeah. I get it. I should probably be trying to get in some extra study time myself." He didn't answer. So I was like, "Say, once this is all over, we should all go out and celebrate or something. We could take Stevie with us. Maybe Simon too. He needs a little sunshine."

Brandon was like, "I dunno. Maybe."

In my mind, I was like 'Ok, that does it!' and I started to get frustrated. But then I took a deep breath, and I just tried to be friendly. Maybe I was just doing this all wrong. So I said, "We don't really hang out that much anymore. Maybe we'll have much more free time when school's out. Hell, I haven't even seen Jimmy in like a week and a half. Seems like everybody's pulling the old vanishing act these days."

Brandon's like, "Yeah, well..."

I said, "We haven't even shared a lunch table in ages. If your final exams line up with mine, maybe we can go half on a pizza or something."

Again, he's like, "Maybe. That would be cool."

At that point, I was way more hurt than I was angry, but I asked him, "Ok...is this what we're doing now?" He looks at me like he doesn't know what I'm talking about. So I'm all like, "You want me to get lost? Just tell me to get lost, then."

He's like, "Did you hear me say that?"

I said, "No, Brandon. I didn't hear you say much of anything. You don't talk to me, you don't make eye contact with me in the halls, I walk up to you and you walk away from me...I mean, what is it? Am I bothering you? Please let me know if I'm wasting my time trying to get your attention."

Brandon wrinkled up his forehead, and sneered like, "Whatever, Billy. I've got things to think about other than you right now. Alright?" If only I could have recorded the way he said that. There such a sense of nastiness in his tone. Venom. I came over all anxious and inspired and ready to take the first step towards maybe...I don't know...being friends again at least. But when I asked him to just tell me if I was being a pest... :(

When I asked him...."If I'm such a pest, just say it..."

Brandon said, "Right now? Yeah. You're kind of being a pest. So can you do me a favor and just give me some space? I'd prefer to not have to carry your baggage and mine, right now."

It was at that very moment that the sullen ache of it all reached a whole new level for me. Right at that moment. I don't think that I had ever felt so damaged. So helpless.

It was like a bomb had gone off inside of my chest, leaving nothing but wreckage and emptiness behind. This really isn't going to get any better, is it? Brandon really didn't want to talk to me. At all. He's annoyed by me just being around him. When did things get so bad? I mean, it was different when Stevie was still his boyfriend. At least then I could fool myself into thinking that it was because he was in a relationship, or because Stevie was twisting his mind to hate me. But now? Now there's nothing. He just...he'd rather be 'alone' than talk to me. And that was just more than I could bear today. Seriously...I think I actually gave up the chase after he said that to my face. Not just for the afternoon...but forever. If this is how it's going to be from now on, then why even bother?

Sometimes the hurt is just a bit too much to carry. Sometimes it's best just to let it go and find your joy some place else. I remember when I was with AJ the first time around, and he just hurt me over and over and over again, and never thought twice about it. I kept trying to hold on to something that I never had in the first place. And I just...I'm not going to put myself through that agony again. A person can only hurt me so many times before I learn my lesson and start looking out for myself again. After today, I don't know...maybe it would be smart for me to leave well enough alone. I'm tired of 'hugging the cactus' on this one.

I tried, Brandon. I did. But that was one sucker punch that I don't think I can forget. Not for a long time. Maybe not ever.

I just gave him this look of utter disbelief. I was nearly in tears at that point, but my pride wouldn't let them fall. I stopped walking. He kept going for a few more steps, then stopped and turned around to look at me. I think I was so...so totally destroyed at that moment that I could hardly breathe. What he said might not have seemed like all that big of a deal to him...but it was cannonball to the stomach for me. Brandon almost looked like he wanted to apologize, but I didn't give him the chance. I turned around, put my head down, and walked in the other direction without looking back.

Not that it mattered. He didn't follow behind me.

I hate to say it, but I ditched Sam after last period because of what happened. Not that any of it was his fault or anything. I just...I didn't want to talk to anybody. I didn't want to have to hide the hurt on my face and the tremble in my voice. Not that he wouldn't be able to see the heartbreak in me anyway. Then he'd ask, and I'd have to explain, and...the whole thing would just be so pointless. I mean, what was Sam gonna do? What could he honestly do? Go kick Brandon's ass? Yell at him and force him to care? Tell me 'there are other boys out there' that would be better for me? It wouldn't make any difference. He just...doesn't want me. And the only way to fix things now is to work towards not wanting him either.

It hurts me to even look at his name written out on this page. So I hope it doesn't take too long. My days of being a sucker are coming to an end. But the growing pains are harsh on the heart. Believe me.

Anyway, I feel like shit. So I'm going to end this here. Maybe I can find something to do tomorrow to distract me from this horrible cramp in my emotions. I think I remember Trace saying something about having the shakes from going so long without alcohol. Hehehe, yeah, I should have warned him that my dad would never allow that. My dad drinks occasionally himself, but he doesn't keep any in the house. And even if he did, if he caught a whiff of it on Trace's breath, there would be hell to pay.

Still...knowing Trace, he'd have some kind of spontaneous plan to get some anyway. And right now...I think I could go for a few drinks. Just to feel good for a while. I just want my mind to go blank. Maybe share some giggles with someone who isn't...annoyed by my very presence....

Whatever...

I guess that's it.

Maybe tomorrow will be the first day of the rest of my life.

Here's hoping.

- Billy