The Secret Life Of Billy Chase 7 - 50. Chapter 50

Thursday

- Am I wrong?

I'm probably wrong. In fact, I'm almost sure of it. And....what I did today is going to haunt me for a long time to come. Because I didn't have to do it. I didn't. I mean...my brain, it just...I had so many conflicting emotions and feelings and.....I think I had a short circuit somewhere along the line. I ended up doing something that I KNOW I'm going to regret later! I already regret it! God....Billy...you IDIOT!!!! STUPID, STUPID, STUPID!!!!

I honestly wasn't thinking about it ahead of time. It caught me before I had a chance to really consider the consequences of it all. But in my defense...it wasn't all 'heat of the moment' bullshit. It had been building up since I went to school this morning, and I just...I don't know...I had this really weird, overly aggressive, knee-jerk reaction to what was going on at the time...

And I just....I just.....

Well...let me explain first, ok? Then maybe the rest of this will make sense...

This morning, while taking the last few finals of the year, I went to the cafeteria to eat a little something. I don't know...I was starving for some reason, and my stomach was grumbling loud enough for everyone in the whole study hall to hear during my last test. I figured that I should chow down on something small before the last test of the year. Just to keep from embarrassing myself, if nothing else.

Well...both Bobby and Ian were down there, and as soon as they saw me with a tray of food, they beckoned me over to come sit with them. I didn't think much of it at first, but...I probably should have thought twice. Because from the moment I sat at their table, they were hugging and cuddling one another. Kissing in front of me, and laying their head on the other one's shoulder....it was just...a bit much for me, you know? And that SUCKS, because I know that I would be the exact same way with a boy that I was madly in love with if I had the opportunity. It's just...kinda hard to watch when you don't have anybody special of your own, you know?

Anyway, there was a moment when Bobby finished his milk but he was still thirsty, so he wanted to get up and get a soda from the vending machine, right? And he's like, "Do you guys want anything?" We both said no, but he turns to Ian, and he's like, "Are you sure, baby? I can get you something if you want, hon."

And Ian smiles, like, "That's ok, baby. Just...hurry back, ok? I'll miss you."

Then Bobby kisses him on the lips, and he's like, "I'll miss you too. I'll be thinking about you, k?"

And Ian's like, "Mkay..."

Then Bobby says, "K....I'll be back. I love you, baby..."

Ian's like, "I love you too, baby. Soooo much!"

I mean...watching this was enough to give me a mouth full of CAVITIES from being so sweet. And I felt this secretive little knot forming in my stomach at the sight of it. It was just AWKWARD, you know? At least for me, it was.

Why did it hurt so much? Why? I didn't understand at the time. But I think I did later on...

Anyway, while Bobby was gone...you know, after Ian took a few silent moments to just stare at him walking over to the vending machines on the other side of the cafeteria...he FINALLY looks back at me, and grins with this heavy blush in his cheeks. He's like, "Bobby and I ummm....hehehe...we made things 'official' now. But I guess you know that already."

I just said, "Yeah. I kinda figured."

Ian said, "We spent the whole day together yesterday. And, hehehe....I spent most of it naked. He wouldn't even let me get dressed again until it was time to go home. He's....hehehe...he's a passionate one, that Bobby. There's nothing sexier than a boy with that kind of passion." He was sighing dreamily, and I knew that he had to have gone all the way. I know that look. That's the 'I just got a piece of the hottest ass in school' look. He was so happy, you know? He was totally enchanted by Bobby, and Bobby felt the same way. It just gave me the shivers, thinking about the two of them all wrapped up in one another, having sex again and again, and then kissing and cuddling and sliding their hands over each other's bodies until they were hard enough to do it again. I thought about how long they had both been waiting for this. About how nervous and excited they must have been. About how...amazing the whole act must have been from beginning to end. Not just sex. Not like with me and Robin, or AJ, or even Lee. But actually being able to intimately touch and kiss someone that he really loved with all his heart. To see that love reflected in Bobby's eyes as he slowly sank down on his hardness and gave him the trust and vulnerability to actually enter him sexually...and gradually ride him to the point of a shared orgasm. The thought of it made my heart ache inside. They're really lucky. Both of them. I have to admit that. No conflicts, no secrets, no bullshit. Just love. It seems like it should all be so simple...

Then Ian says, "I'm sorry if I'm being a bit mushy today, Billy. I don't mean to be. I just...I can't help myself. I mean...Bobby's the one, you know? He's perfect. He's SO perfect! God, Billy, I'm SO in love! I can hardly contain myself!!!"

With a fake chuckle, I said, "Well...good. Good for both of you." Then I was like, "So you guys finally got to spend some time 'alone', I see. You look happier than ever."

That's when Ian said something that sort of caught my attention. He's like, "We are. I mean...it feels like it's all complete now. Bobby and I...I mean...we shared an experience that will always be with us, you know? We lost our virginity together. There's nothing more special than that."

I kinda peeked up at Ian, and I said, "Bobby...um...he told you he was a 'virgin'?"

Ian sighed, like, "Yeah. I mean, don't tell him I said anything though. I mean, I don't even know why I'm telling you all of this, but you're one of the only people who wouldn't be grossed out by this much...detail. Hehehe!" Then he's like, "I'm really in love, Billy. This is like a fairy tale come true."

So...wait....Bobby Jinette actually told Ian that he was a virgin on their first time? I mean, Bobby may not be as experienced as some boys...but a 'virgin'?

Suddenly, all thoughts of telling Ian that I was gay were suddenly pushed off the table of 'good ideas'. Because if Bobby told him that he's never had sex before...then that means Ian doesn't know about...um...us. Not me and Bobby, or Brandon, or that whole fiasco. And I'm thinking that's a good thing. Because that could toss a monkey wrench in the works of that whole relationship. It's better if I just smile and nod and keep my mouth shut on that one.

Bobby came back to the table, and Ian was quick to lean over and give him a few kisses on the cheek. Wow...he reallydid miss him in that short amount of time. Well...damn. Go for it, you two. And don't mess it up.

Not like I did....

The whole moment made me want to run out in the halls and search the entire school for Brandon. To let him know that it wasn't my fault. To tell him that Jimmy LaPlane had been feeding him garbage the whole time, and that I was JUST as interested in getting back together as he was! I mean...that day when we both went to visit Stevie in the hospital...I really thought that maybe...just maybe...we had a shot, you know? But shortly after that, we started drifting apart again. And I'm pretty sure that Jimmy was right there to take advantage of the fact that we were trying to repair this broken connection of ours.

It makes me so fucking MAD to think about it! Having Jimmy there...whipering little nasty comments in Brandon's ear! Telling him what an awful person I was. Telling him that we were never meant to be. Telling him that I was full of shit and that we were both better off staying away from each other. Who knows WHAT Jimmy could have been telling him over the last few weeks? But whatever it was that he said...it may have destroyed my one last chance at getting back in Brandon's good graces forever. And I HATED him for that! It hurts to know that our hearts are forever out of sync now...and it hurts more to know that Jimmy was the director of this orchestra of total misery. It's all so pointless. All of it.

Which makes today even more of an enigma than before. Because I was too stupid to understand. Too weak to stand up against the temptation to.....to just...

Arrrghh!!!

I did see Jamie Cross in the halls today, but I only said hello. Nothing else. I was embarrassed, to be honest. After Sam's behavior yesterday, I half expected Jamie to walk right past me and not say a single word to me at all. But...as always, Jamie's too cool for that. He smiled and returned the greeting. He probably would have talked to me some more if I wasn't so self conscious about it, but a simple hello was enough, I guess. It let him know that yesterday wasn't my fault, and it let me know that there was no hard feelings. Still though...Sam needs to at least be able to put his feelings for Joanna aside for long enough to at least be polite when Jamie Cross is around. It sucks that those two don't get along. But, then again, Sam doesn't really get along with anybody who's trying to be my friend. Except for Jimmy. And even that took forever before they were...courteous to one another.

I also happened to run into Simon and Trace as they were wandering the halls. It caught me off guard, because I never really saw the two of them together like that. Just....hanging out and stuff. Not since that night we took Simon to the aquarium. He seemed to be pretty mellow today. It was weird.

Trace was like, "Don't mind the human calculator here. He thinks he's messing up on his finals, but I'm sure he did just fine. He just worries too much, that's all." Trace had his arm over Simon's slim little shoulder, and Simon looked a bit worried, but Trace had this total calming effect on him. He even made Simon smile after a shake or two. Trace says, "Once all this academic weirdness is over, I'm going to take my boy out and get him to lighten up some. He's way too tense. It's the least I can do, you know.....for my 'tutor'. He's the one who's going to help me get OUT Of this joint, once and for all."

It was a bond that I hadn't seen before between those two. It seemed to be legit, though. Simon said, "My parents are going to kill me. They're totally going to crucify me in the front yard for not...living up to expectations."

But Trace was quick to tell him, "Dude...you have GOT to stop saying stuff like that. What did I tell you? Huh? You sound like you need an enema or something."

Simon was like, "HAHAHA!!! Trace! Jesus!"

Trace was all like, "I'm just saying! You need help. I'm going to make sure you get some 'fun' injected into your system this Summer! You hear me? This whole 'robo-student' routine has got to stop. You're way too cool for that. I mean it."

It may be weird for me to say...but even watching Simon and Trace being such cool friends all of a sudden...made me feel like as much of a third wheel as sitting at a lunch table with Bobby and Ian did. I can't really put my finger on why, but they just shared a certain closeness that made me long for a close relationship of my own. Ugh! Really? Am I back on this depressing kick again? I thought that I was DONE with all of this! And yet, just when I thought life was balancing itself out again, I find myself going in the same stupid circles that I was going in last year. Why? Why can't I just...live an uncomplicated life?

Which...you know...brings me to the point of this whole journal entry. And why I feel like I'm just doomed to constantly live the rest of my life in agony. Because...some mistakes can't be reversed. Some mistakes...you just can't take back or pretend like they never happened. Because they did. And you have no other option than to pound your fists against the sides of your head and ask yourself 'why?'.....

You see...I made it a point of NOT talking to Jimmy LaPlane today. Like...at ALL! I had absolutely NOTHING to say to him! Wait, I take that back...I had a LOT to say to him, but I was sooooo fucking pissed off that there was no way that I'd be able to let him have it at school! I would have been screaming and yelling and I might have actually jumped on him after what he did to me! I seriously wanted to knock his teeth down his throat. So I thought it best to just stay the fuck away from him altogether today. Because I hadn't calmed down a BIT since Stevie told me what he was up to yesterday!

Do you know that Jimmy actually had the stones to say 'hello' to me with a SMILE today??? I didn't even speak to him! I shot him an evil look and walked right past him. Like I said, I couldn't talk to him. No way. The whole school would have known about all of my secrets if I had. So I walked right by him and bumped his shoulder on the way to my last test. Fuck Jimmy! You know?

So, after all of my finals were done and over with, I was leaving school, and Jimmy approaches me like, "Billy? What's wrong? What's going on here?"

I was gnashing my teeth and balling up my fists, but I did all I could to contain my anger. I was like, "Leave me alone."

He says, "What's wrong? What did I do?"

I said, "You know fucking WELL what you did! And I don't want you around me anymore!" I was trying to control the volume of my voice...but it wasn't really working.

I don't think I had ever seen Jimmy so hurt before. But I didn't care. I didn't WANT to care! I avoided his eyes completely and just cleaned out the rest of my stuff from my locker.

With a trembling voice and watery eyes, Jimmy whimpered, "But....but...Billy..I don't understand..."

I was SO angry! SO fucking ANGRY!!!! I slammed my locker shut, and stared him right in the face! I said, "You've been talking to Brandon! Haven't you? Tell me the truth!!!"

Jimmy was surprised by my sudden accusation. I could clearly see that. But I could tell from the look in his eyes that it was true! He's like, "Billy, wait...let me explain...."

I told him, "There's nothing for you to explain. You ruined my life. And we're not friends anymore. Deal with it." And I walked away from him without saying another word.

Jimmy trotted along behind me, almost in tears, and he's like, "Billy! Billy, WAIT!!! PLEASE!!!" But I didn't listen. A small part of me felt bad for hurting Jimmy's feelings. But, you know what? Fuck Jimmy's feelings!!! That's how he treated MY feelings, isn't it??? This is NOT the time for Billy Chase to get al sensitive and remorseful about something like this. This was a time for me to be mad as hell and let this asshole know exactly why! He totally fucked me! And previous suicide attempt or not...that's just not fucking fair!!!

So I went home! You know? Fuck him!

And I was there for about an hour, and the next thing I know, Jimmy is at my front door, ringing my doorbell! I saw that it was him, and I ignored him at first. But the doorbell frustrated me SOOOOO much after a while, that I went back and opened the door. I mean, he KNEW that I was there! So why hide, you know?

I snatched the door open, and he's like, "Billy...can we TALK? Please??? Just let me talk to you."

I'm like, "We've got NOTHING to talk about! Are you fucking KIDDING me??? You BETRAYED me in the worst way EVER, Jimmy!"

But he kept saying, "Can I come in? Please??? Billy...PLEASE!!!!" I mean...he KNEW that he had been a total asshole to me! He knew that he had been a MONSTER! And now he wants me to just let him into my house and talk to him again. But, as always...this was always about what *HE* fucking wanted!!! He doesn't give a SHIT about me! When I want to talk to him, he probably couldn't be bothered. But when he needs ME? I'm supposed to jump up and stand at attention. Well that's going to end today. I'm never talking to him again. And when he's wallowing in self pity and misery, I hope that he realizes that this is HIS fault! I'm not being mean! He did this! I was totally ready to give him my love and attention, and he was too much of a pussy to accept it. So let him suffer. I'm done! I'm finished being his sucker. Let him find somebody else, is what I was thinking. Seriously. I can't even describe how FURIOUS I was!!!

Anyway, Jimmy starts CRYING and he's sounds so pathetic to me....I HATE that he played on my emotions to get what he wanted....AGAIN!!! But...dammit...I let him in the house. My mom was going out tonight anyway, so I figured it wouldn't be that much of a big deal. Jimmy had tears running down his cheeks, and as much as I hated him for what he did, there was a part of me that actually felt a pinch of sympathy for that son of a bitch!!! And that's the part of me that I truly wanted to get rid of! You know?

He comes in, but I don't even want to look him in the face. I can honestly say that I HATED Jimmy LaPlane at that moment! I really did!

But with tears in his eyes, he puts his hands up and touches my chest, and he's like, "Billy...I won't lie to you, ok? Maybe I talked to Brandon a few times. Maybe I said some things that...would keep him away from you. I did that. Ok? I really did." But then Jimmy's like, "But I did it for YOU, Billy. Ok? You have to believe me..."

I said, "How the FUCK did you do something like that for ME???? Are you CRAZY? I thought you were my friend!!!"

And Jimmy says, "I AM your friend! I was looking out for you the entire time!"

I said, "BULLSHIT!!! You were being selfish and trying to keep us apart! When you KNEW that Brandon was the only boy that I ever really loved! The only one who ever really loved me back!"

Jimmy said, "NO!!! **I** LOVED YOU BACK!!!!" Jimmy wiped the many tears he was shedding from his eyes, and he said, "I sat back and watched how he treated you! Time and time again! You sit there and talk about how much you love him and want to be with him...but you want to know the TRUTH, Billy??? He doesn't do a fucking thing to RETURN that love to you! EVER!!!" I was shocked at what he was saying to me...but he kept going, and I listened. I didn't have much choice, really. He's like, "Ask yourself...what has Brandon actually DONE to deserve a boy like you??? What efforts has he made? Does he even fucking TALK to you??? Does he say 'I love you'? Does he make an effort to call you on the phone? Does he send you emails? Does he do ANYTHING that's even remotely fucking INTIMATE when it comes to you two being together? He ALWAYS has an excuse not to! Or he just blows you off completely! You give and give and GIVE...and he NEVER responds to you! One little comment to Brandon, and he can use that as an excuse to NEVER gather up the courage to show you any reciprocal love at ALL! EVER!!! He takes you for granted, Billy! And you LET him! What has he done to deserve somebody as sweet and a affectionate as you? I mean, are you happy? Are you?" I was still angry, but I couldn't answer him. I honestly couldn't. Jimmy said, "Yeah. That's what I thought. You give Brandon our WHOLE heart, and that son of a bitch doesn't give you SHIT in return!!! You tell him you love him with every breath that you take, you tell him he's beautiful and he's awesome and you let him know how much you miss him...and he doesn't even RESPOND to you! Does he? Let's be honest, Billy....he's talked to ME more in the past few weeks than he has to you! He'd rather share a conversation with me than he would with the boy he's supposed to 'love' sooooo much. Aren't you tired of it all? I mean, really! AREN'T YOU???"

I said, "You don't understand, Jimmy! I TRUSTED you! How could you fucking DO this to me???"

But he was like, "I actually TOLD you how I felt about you! All Brandon ever did is take you for granted. He ignored you. He neglected your feelings and didn't give a SHIT about whether you were really happy or not. He HURT you, Billy! He pulled all of his romantic feelings back from you and didn't give a shit whether it hurt you or not! I watched you try to be the perfect boyfriend to him, and the whole time, he was too self absorbed to give you the kind of love and affection that you deserve. Do you know what that was like for me? To watch someone I loved with every fiber of my being get screwed over by somebody who was too selfish to do anything to make you feel worthy of the kind of love that *I* was willing to give you??? He was shredding your emotions day after day, and I was right here, willing to give you all the kisses and cuddles you could ever want, without the mind games. Without the bullshit! Billy....I LOVE you!!! I love you enough to TELL you so! And Brandon doesn't! He just doesn't!"

Was I mad at him? Of COURSE I was mad at him! But he was crying soooo much! And...after Bobby and Ian....after Trace and Simon...I just....ugh! For once, I didn't feel like an outcast, you know? I felt like I was a 'part' of the situation at hand.

Jimmy took a hold of my hand, and...I let him. I don't know why...but I did. He said, "Billy...I know that I did some scandalous shit to keep you safe...but I did it because I KNOW that these stupid boys are only gonna cause you heartache and pain. I KNOW it! And...if you could just take your focus off of those assholes...just for a little bit....you'd see that I'm the guy you've been looking for. I think you're perfection, Billy. I love you for who you are. We talk and talk for hours on end, and you never feel weird about it. Neither do I. I'm willing to sacrifice my pride...and tell you that I'm totally in love with you. EVERY DAY if you want me to! If it's not enough...just tell me, and I'll triple it! I promise!"

I didn't know what to say at the time. I really didn't. I mean...Brandon was my one and only. I should be strong enough to repair that damage and go for him instead. But...

Jimmy said....

"I'm right here, Billy. No more mind games. No shyness. No bullshit excuses. No arguments or withdrawal. Brandon might just spend the rest of his LIFE trying to find the courage to decide whether or not he's ready to be your boyfriend. But me? I'm right here. Right now. And I'm not going to make you turn any tricks for my love. I'll never make you feel self conscious. I'm never going to neglect you or ignore you. I'm never ever going to make you feel like you're not my FAVORITE boy in the WORLD!!! I will ALWAYS tell you how much you mean to me, and you'll never have to work for it. All the conversation, all the love, all the affection, all the sex...you could EVER want...I'll give it to you! I PROMISE! That's what love is, isn't it? I just want to please you. And I WILL....if you'll let me! If you just let me..."

It was hard to block it all out. It really was. But....he had a point. I mean...doesn't he? I've been really loyal to the idea that Brandon would someday come around and love me the way that he used to. But...that was a really really long time ago. And I've been aching over him for much longer than is necessary. It's time that I move on. This isn't Jimmy saying it this time...this is me. Brandon has been turning a blind eye to me for so long now, that I can hardly remember what I loved about him in the first place. And if his 'safety' means more to him than my love...then he can keep it. Good luck on finding someone that loves him as much as I did. Because my heart could have been his. My heart, my body, my soul. He spit in my face...and decided he would be just fine without me. So...good riddens.

I've said it a bunch of times before...but I think I'm going to stick to it this time. Me and Brandon are through. He can't force himself to mean something to me. He is incapable of caring about me the way I care about him And just like Lee...he has to be told to get lost, if that's going to be the case. I can start over again, right? I'm sure that I can.

Well....it was THAT level of thinking that led to my big mistake today.

Because....well...Jimmy was soooo vulnerable at the moment, and he was crying, and he cared SOOOOO much about me...he was like, "Billy...PLEASE don't do this to me! Please? I'll die if you cut me off now! I can't live without you! I just wanted you to not hurt anymore. You're the kind of boy that someone would be LUCKY to have in his heart. I would tell you that I loved you every single day of your life. I'd worship the ground you walked on! PLEAS don't shut me out of your life! Please!" He was like, "You're the best thing that has ever happened to me, Billy. EVER! And while Brandon is being childish and stupid...while he's taking his sweet time to figure out whether or not he's willing to tell you how he feels about you....I'm right here." Then Jimmy touches my shoulder, and he repeats, "I'm RIGHT here! Billy...no mind games. No waiting. No little subliminal hints or long waits between 'I love you' messages. I'm right here. Look at me. Leave him, Billy. He missed out. He gambled with your heart, and he lost. Let me be that boy for you. Let me pick up his slack. Because if you give me the chance...I'll prove to you that Brandon is just some idiot who didn't know what he had when he had it. Please? Take a chance on me, Billy. Do it. I won't make you 'work' for it. I promise."

And then....it happened....

I said, "You SCREWED me, Jimmy!!!"

And he moved closer to me...

And he's like, "I love you, Billy Chase. I....I love you...."

I was like, "Stop it! I don't love you. You know that."

But he was rubbing my shoulder some more, and he says, "You never gave me a chance. That's why. But deep down...you know. Don't you? Brandon isn't going to change. He's more concerned with what he wants. He doesn't care about you. If he did, then he'd make an effort to tell you that he loves you. But he doesn't....does he? When was the last time he said it? Can you even remember?" To be honest...I couldn't. I can't remember the 'Brandon' that I fell in love with at all. He's.....gone.

Was Jimmy right? Was Brandon gone? Or was my view of him just a stupid illusion to begin with? Because Jimmy was right in front of me. He was touching me. He was pouring his HEART out to me...and what was Brandon doing? Nothing. Not a damn thing.

I said, "Jimmy...you know that this wouldn't work. Not you and me. You know that...."

But Jimmy just rubbed my shoulder a bit more, and he said, "That's ok. If it doesn't work out to be forever, I'm ok with that. But...for right now...you and me...right here...can't we just pretend that this is ok?" I wasn't sure what he meant by that, but suddenly, Jimmy leaned forward and he kissed me on the lips. It was short, but when he didn't see me pull away...he did it again. Jimmy's kiss was so....surreal. It instantly took me back to that first kiss that we shared in his bedroom so long ago. But I held the kiss. I really did. It made me feel good inside. As angry as I was with Jimmy over what he did...he was totally giving himself to me in that moment. And...something about that just made me feel....wanted. You know? I think that's what Brandon USED TO do for me. He used to make me feel wanted. Like he needed me around. All day, every day. And kissing Jimmy today....it's the first time that I've felt that in a long long time.

I felt like I mattered. Like Jimmy 'craved' me. And something about that made me 'crave' him too. For the first time...I let my tongue slide into Jimmy LaPlane's mouth...and soon we were laying on the couch....tangled up with our arms and legs...making out like CRAZY! I don't know where the passion came from! But I was dry humping him like I was angry at him. And...you know...I probably was angry at him! It was an aggressive motion, but Jimmy loved every minute of it!

God he tasted good! After seeing Bobby and Ian so happy together, I just wanted to FUCK Jimmy silly and have a story to tell later! But...unfortunately, my mom came back early from her little outing tonight. Shit! Because I'm sure that Jimmy and I would have gotten into SO much more if she hadn't come home to break us up!

But...before he left...Jimmy gave me another quick kiss on the lips in secret. And he's like, "Look...tomorrow, after our half day at school....I can come over again. I want you. I mean that. Let's just...forget everything that happened and just....we can just...." He whimpered a little bit, and smiled at me with a blush..."...Just let me come over. Ok? I'll be good for you. I promise...I'll be soooo good for you." Then he kissed me again, and he said goodbye to my mom before leaving.

So...am I wrong? What the hell am I doing??? I was tongue kissing Jimmy LaPlane for a LONG time today! And he's coming back tomorrow expecting more! What the hell am I gonna do??? If this was a purely sexual thing, like it was with AJ and Robin....I could easily say no. But...for some reason...it's not like that this time. This is more...connected than that. Is this what I needed to finally break free of Brandon and all of his stupid mind games? I mean...Jimmy really LOVES me! And he's willing to tell me so as often as his breath will allow. So...is this what I was looking for all along? Lee failed, big time, in this department. Maybe Jimmy is offering a true alternative to feeling unloved and rejected by the boy I was willing to give everything. Maybe this is what I've been wanting all along.

Don't get me wrong...I'm STILL fucking PISSED at Jimmy for what he did! But now that I'm sitting here, writing on the last blank page of this journal....I can honestly admit to being aroused by the very thought of him being my....well.....

...My boyfriend?

Is that not the most bizarre thing ever? Sounds so stupid. But...

Thinking about it...Jimmy is the ONLY guy who has expressed an interest in me over the last few weeks. The ONLY one. And there's a possibility in that that really intrigues me. Jimmy LaPlane....my boyfriend. It has a bit of a ring to it, you know? Who could have seen THIS coming? Certainly not me.

I still wish it was Brandon. But Jimmy was right. All he does is neglect me and cause me pain. Maybe what he was telling Brandon behind my back had more truth involved than I was willing to admit. I'm done being heartbroken and alone. Brandon can't be my dream boy. I gave him a million chances, and he turned down every one of them. It's time I looked for a more mutual relationship. Just like I did with Lee. Just like I did with AJ.

I don't know where I'll find it, but it's out there. I know it is. So...wish me luck. Wish me all the luck in the world!

The end of another book. I'll squeeze this in, and I hope I can read it later....

Life is a game. And whether we win or lose is all dependent on how we play. I just hope that I've been playing to the best of my ability. Because most folks don't play fair.

I hope that I'm playing fair.

Laters...

- Billy