The Secret Life Of Billy Chase 8 - 17. Chapter 17

Sunday

- I feel kinda bad right now. I mean...I dunno. Just a weird thing with me, I guess.

Lee sent me a really sad email about an hour ago. You know how I am with Lee's emails. There's something about his innocent little heart that just gets translated with such potency every time he writes to me. It doesn't matter if he's happy or he's hurting or he's angry. That boy can turn a meaningless emoticon into a picture worth way more than a thousand words.

What he sent me was simple...

"I take it we're not talking anymore. I get it. I can take a hint. I really do want you to know that I'm sorry about all that happened between us, and I just wanted to wish you well. Ok? I won't bother you again. Promise."

Followed by a frowny face that practically broke my heart in two. Awww, I didn't want to hurt him. I SWEAR, I didn't! I'm not that heartless. I had honestly forgotten that he had even sent me that email. But now that I look back at the pages of this book, that was over a week ago. I was gonna answer, but...I didn't. I think I just got wrapped up in what I wanted to say, and then the new job, and then this sudden reunion with Brandon and all. It's not like I was ignoring him on purpose. I was just...procrastinating until the time as right, I guess.

From the sounds of it, though, he seemed pretty hurt. I guess he was looking for a reply from me and practically holding his breath. By not giving him so much as a wave hello, I guess he just took that as a big middle finger to his face and an ever BIGGER hint to tell him, "Go away! And leave me alone!" It was totally unintentional, but I feel like I've been really mean to Lee, and he didn't deserve that. He was trying to offer an olive branch and call a truce, but I sort of left him hanging. So I made it a point to send him a note tonight just to let him know that there were no hard feelings. Putting it off for another day would have truly been an act of cruelty at this point. I just wanted to tell him, "It's ok. I'm sorry that it took me forever to say anything. I promise that I'm not mad, and I wasn't ignoring you on purpose. I guess I just had a lot on my mind lately."

It seemed like such a lame excuse to me when I typed it out. Like Lee would just roll his eyes and figure that I was full of shit for even trying to offer a decent reason for giving him such a cold shoulder. He was still my friend after all. But, instead of telling me to shove it...his answer was completely the opposite.

Lee wrote back less than an hour later with a bunch of smiley faces and a huge sigh of relief. As always, Lee's current mood, even expressed in the text of an email alone, was infectious. I found myself smiling at his enthusiasm over something as simple as hearing back from me. I guess he really did miss me. I half expected him to call me an asshole for making him suffer for so long without a word, but he just sent me hugs and snuggles and told me that he was SO relieved that I didn't 'hate' him for the way we parted ways. Hate? Really? Lee is incredible. I knew that. He's not the kind of boy you hate. No matter what he does to you to make him think that would be the case.

I didn't answer his second email right away, as I was getting ready for bed when I received it. But I'll write back tomorrow for sure. I won't forget. I'll keep it in mind. Above all things, Lee was an all around good guy. Not really an ideal boyfriend, in my opinion, but someone that I would definitely want to have as an important part of my life. Who knows? Maybe one day he'll find somebody that he's sooooo head over heels in love with that he'll be FORCED to say it out loud once in a while! Hehehe! I don't envy the boy on the other end of that explosion of human emotion. It's gonna be a flashflood of years of pent up passion that he's going to have to deal with. Lucky him.

I wasn't overly obsessive about it, but Brandon did cross my mind quite a few times throughout my day. I don't know why I was doing it...but I kept going over all the details of our short conversation in the store yesterday, trying to find some kind of hidden hint or clue that Brandon was there to...I don't know...allow me back into his life again. God knows that I couldn't just come out and ask him. I couldn't force him, I couldn't trick him, I couldn't 'sneak' in...he had all the power. One hundred percent of it. And every moment that he wielded it over me was one of immense suffering. I couldn't even BEG him to spend time with me at this point. It would have been a waste of my energy. But...having him take a step forward...having Brandon just randomly walk into that store and talk to me with a smile...it was an orgasmic experience. A sign of hope. A glimpse of redemption. It might have only been the dim light of a matchstick in a vast field of darkness...but it was something. Something to guide me in the right direction and tell me that he wasn't completely disgusted with me for...what I had done.

Yeah...that part still bugs me sometimes.

I cheated. I did it. And me regretting it doesn't do a damn bit of good when it comes to breaking his fragile heart the way I did. I betrayed his trust, I tossed his love aside, and I jumped on the first sexy boy that would give me the temporary satisfaction that I was looking for. I'm guilty. I have to accept that. And even though he started dating Stevie in the wake of all that madness, and I know that they've...'done stuff' together...

(GOD...it makes me sick to even write that here in this book... :( Seriously...)

It's not quite the same offense. I have a lot to answer for. And I never had a chance to do so before now. The only chance that I have to fix things between us are the few microscopic opportunities that he decides to give me.

How can I have this many bitter regrets at age 15? It seems so wild to me.

Bobby looks like he tried to call me two or three times tonight. I can't imagine what the big emergency is, but by the time I saw his name on the Caller ID it was a bit late for a friendly phone call. I hope everything is ok with him and Ian. I can't imagine that anything happened between last night and tonight. Ian seemed pretty normal to me. I'm sure it's just Bobby getting the jitters again. Hehehe, it's gotten to the point where they seem kind of adorable, you know?

I've got to get some sleep. I don't know why, but I'm kinda wiped out tonight. Emotional drain, I suppose. I got a short note from Jimmy tonight, just to say that he was thinking about me. It seemed really sweet. I didn't reply though. I think it was just his way of saying goodnight. I....make him happy. Sighhh...I mean, that's a good thing, right? Making someone else happy? It's not like I really have to do anything other than be me and return a few smiles when he sends them my way. It's just...something feels wrong about it. And I don't know if I should just 'stop' or not. And even if I did, there's nothing to say that Brandon would want to start dating again. I'd be...alone again. There's nothing worse than being alone. I hate it. The emptiness works aggressively, every moment of my day, trying to swallow me whole. Trying to make me believe that I'm as worthless and as unlovable as I feel. I can't go back to that. I just...can't.

Every time I go chasing somebody and going after the whole 'grass is greener' boy of my dreams, it always turns out for the worst. And I LOVE Brandon! God knows, I do! But...until I get a chance to figure out what this really means, us talking again...maybe I should try to appreciate what I've got right here under my nose. Someone who cares about me, talks to me, loves me, is excited to be intimate with me, and simply enjoys my company. Maybe I've been looking past Jimmy for so long, I never took a long enough directly AT him. I could do a lot worse.

Ok, bed time.

Ah, shit...I just remembered that I forgot to call work for my schedule this week! I have no idea what days I'm working. The store would be closed for the day by now. I'll call in tomorrow. No biggie. I've gotta remember to keep track of things like this...

Later

Billy