The Secret Life Of Billy Chase 8 - 19. Chapter 19

Tuesday

- So...Jimmy came over early today before I went to work. And I guess he got what he wanted. And so did I. But those two things are totally unrelated. Hehehe! I suppose I should explain...

First of all, I felt really bad about missing work yesterday. I made sure to shower up and grab a snack and get there at least ten minutes early this afternoon to make sure that the boss knew that it was all just a big mistake and that I'd make a real effort to NEVER let it happen again. It was a little embarrassing, and I thought that I could just sort of sneak my way into the store, walk to the time clock, and just start working without anybody really noticing me.

Instead, what I got was a round of applause the second I showed up! Ollie and Calleigh at the register, Terrell, Dizzy, and Taylor, in the aisles...even manager, Scott. They cheered and clapped and all of the customers were looking at me to see what was going on....

OMIGOD! I was blushing so hard! But they just laughed at me. Harmless laughs, but laughs, nonetheless.

Taylor was like, "Look, guys! He made it. Not only on time, but early. Somebody get this guy a raise."

It was a bit of a shock at first, but as I bashfully made my way to the office, Scott put his arm on my shoulder and chuckled at my reaction. He was like, "You probably thought you were going to sneak in here all ninja like and not catch hell for yesterday, didn't ya?"

I started babbling, like, "I'm SO so sorry! I really just forgot to call and..."

But he said, "None of that is necessary, Billy. Like I said, as long as you don't make it a habit, it's fine. Accidents happen. Alright?" He practically made me nod before he let me punch in for the day. Then he shook my shoulders and said, "Good. Now loosen up. I need you out there, making customers happy. K?"

I couldn't believe how...'comfortable' this place was. It just made me smile to know that my absence was so easily forgiven and forgotten. Not even school does that. And they don't even pay me to be there like they do here!

I got a few nudges in the side and a few comments from the others, but they let me know that they were just giving me a hard time. It was like...suddenly being given a whole new 'family', you know? It was the 'Addams Family' in a lot of ways...but still a family.

Ollie was constantly talking about his boyfriend. Hehehe, I've only been here for a week or two, and I've already heard two of his romantic lovey dovey stories twice. But he would always get the goofiest grin on his face whenever he came up. I can't put my finger on it, but I really liked the way that he was so comfortable in his own skin when it came to being gay. He made it seem so...mundane. Like it didn't matter at all. And let's be honest...it doesn't. At least, it shouldn't. Something about Ollie made me feel a little bit better about myself. What can I say? It put me at ease.

Terrell was just as smooth with greeting and helping people find stuff as ever. Taylor griped about every third song that came on over the speakers, and the only times he didn't was probably because it was some obscure artists that he personally brought in from home. And Calleigh spent every 90 seconds checking her cell phone and texting to God knows who throughout the day. She always tried to turn at a certain angle or hold it under the counter, but it's not like you couldn't see her doing it. She was seriously addicted to that blasted contraption.

But one co-worker that I hadn't really interacted with yet was 'Dizzy'. And since he took over my shift yesterday, I kinda figured that I should at least be a bit social with him. But even though I passed him a few times in the aisles and traded a smile or a nod here and there...I just...I could not get rid of the strange feeling that he was just too 'pretty' to be a boy. Not androgynous...but actually pretty. I couldn't understand why was confused by him. Ollie is cute. Robin is cute. Jamie Cross is cute. But Dizzy was...slightly different.

I felt bad about it, but I wanted to talk to him and I just...I wanted to make sure what was what before making a mistake.

I waited until Calleigh was on break, and I walked over to the counter where Ollie was busy pricing an entire box of headphones and batteries, adding little sensor tags on each one to keep them from walking out of the store on their own. I was a bit nervous at first, but nobody has been mean to me yet. So, why not?

I was like, "Ollie? If I asked you a silly question...would you promise not to laugh?"

Without even looking up from his price gun, he simply said, "No. Not at all." He smiled, and was like, "The very act of you asking me something 'silly' in the first place, by definition, dictates the need for me to laugh at you long and hard. Ooh...'long' and 'hard'. Mmmm!"

I rolled my eyes with a giggle and said, "Well, can you at least promise me not to laugh loud enough where everybody else could hear you?" Again, he made no promises, but told me to spit it out anyway. So I'm like, "What's the deal with...um...well, with Dizzy?"

Ollie was like, "What do you mean?"

I said, "I mean...ok, this is going to sound weird...but Dizzy....he's a guy right?"

Ollie raised an eyebrow and gave me a smirk. He said, "Is that your question?"

I told him, "I'm not trying to be a jerk or anything...I just...I mean, I look at him and..."

Ollie stopped me. He said, "Let's just say that, yes...Dizzy is a boy. He just wasn't born one. Does that answer your question?"

I thought about it for a moment, and said, "Um...no. Actually, no. Not at all."

Ollie kept pricing and tagging stuff, and he said, "Sucks to be you, then." And he added, "Any further comment will have to come from the source. Not from me. Sorry, kiddo."

I think I was a bit more confused than even before. What did that even mean? I asked, "Well, I mean...should I say...? Is he, like...I mean is it 'he', or should I say 'she', or...?"

Ollie calmly said, "You can say 'Dizzy', you know? That is his name, after all."

I said, "I don't know if I get it..."

But he just told me, "You will. Talk a little bit. Have fun. Dizzy is one of the most awesome people in this whole place. Trust me on this."

I thought about it. I thought about it on and off all day. But I didn't really feel comfortable really approaching her...er um...him...he...Dizzy, about it. See? Just writing it here makes me feel uncomfortable. Like I would have messed up somehow and said something stupid and insulting. Dizzy was pretty cool from the looks of it, but I decided to tread lightly and kinda get to know...Dizzy better before I rush in and make an ass out of myself.

Then...a light tap on the back of my shoulder. And it was like the gates of Heaven had suddenly opened, and a beam od sunlight came down right behind me, with an entire chorus singing and playing at full volume. Or something like that.

Brandon actually came back! He came back! I mean...that's cool right? I just saw him a couple of days ago, and now he's back. With that...that smile of his. I caught me so off guard that my voice trembled with a jitter and a nervous giggle. "Brandon, HI! Hehehe!"

My heart. Owwww, my freakin' heart!

He was like, "Don't worry, I'm not gonna bug you too much today. My mom is actually here to buy a mop from down the hall." How the HELL was I able to make it this long being away from him? Now that I could actually talk to him again, my whole middle turned to jelly and I found it hard to stand up straight.

I'm like, "You...you never bother me, Brandon." Which, now that I look at it, THAT was a bit mushy. Even more that was mushy...and I was literally turning into a pile of actual mush.

Brandon said, "I know I just asked about this the other day but...my mom kinda got this big booklet full of coupons in the mail today, thus the new mop. And there's a bunch of them in there for some of the food places in the mall. I can't really do it today, but...I mean...I thought that if, maybe, you were working tomorrow or something..."

My heart was beating so hard that I was afraid he was going to hear it over the music. It was hard to keep from shaking. But smiling wildly was something that was completely out of my control. I said, "Um...ok. I mean, like...sure. I'll go..." Don't giggle, Billy. You'll sound so goofy if you start giggling because you know you won't be able to stop.

I couldn't really tell, but I think Brandon blushed a little bit. He had a habit of pretending to look at something on the floor whenever he blushed. Wow...I'm surprised that I remember such a small detail. He said, "Well, ok. When do you come in?"

I'm like, "Huh?"

And he said, "What time do you work tomorrow? Or, when is your break or whatever?"

Oops. I'm like, "Oh...well...actually, I don't work again until Friday." I actually cringer with physical pain when I said it. Friday? I'm not gonna see Brandon again until FRIDAY??? It hurt my heart to even think about starving myself of Brandon for that unbearable amount of time.

I think he sorta had the same feeling, because I could hear it in his voice. He's like, "Oh...well, that's cool. Friday it is."

No. No no no, NOT Friday! I spoke up and said, "Well, wait...I mean, it's not like I have to be working that day, right? I mean, I have tomorrow all to myself. Why don't we...?" My breath got short. Tiny little puffs of wind that were barely enough to keep me from being conscious. Why was I so nervous? Why was this so difficult? Was I actually asking him out? God, this is just as scary as it was the first time. But, I had to say something. I had to. So I was like, "Why don't we just...hang out tomorrow. Then we can spend more time just....you know? Doing whatever." You have no idea how tough it was for me to say that. No idea how quickly my blood began to run cold with sheer terror at the very thought of trying to let Brandon know that I was...you know...still 'here'. For him? I'm still here. It can be a frightening experience for anybody, I guess, when they're this deeply in love. Hehehe, but if only I could have taken a picture of him at that moment...just one to place right here in the pages of this book to display how utterly happy it made him to say those few scary words while looking him right in the eye...hehehe, I'd always remember that the blinding fear was SO worth it!

He brightened up instantly, and he's like, "Are you sure? I mean, it's your day off and all..."

I said, "It's ok. It'll be fun."

Brandon says, "Well, I mean...you work in the mall. It would suck for me to make you come back to the mall on your day off..."

I just smiled and told him, "I don't care. It doesn't matter at all. Besides, you've got me all excited now. I wanna go."

Awwww, Brandon gave me the most bashful little blush as he smiled and playfully rolled his eyes. He's like, "I certainly can't take back the offer if you're excited about it, now can I?" I shook my head, and our eyes connected. Only briefly, if there even is such a thing as time whenever Brandon's eyes meet mine...and I think we both spent a silent moment, sizing each other up. Wondering what was being said and not said with our infatuated gazes alone. I didn't turn away. Not this time. And before long, we both giggled at one another. No reason for it. Just an excess of sudden joy, rushing to the surface like the playful little bubbles in a glass of champagne. "Well...what time do you want me to call you?" He grinned, his voice lower in volume as I sensed him getting a little bit nervous himself.

I was too giddy to answer at first. But I looked at those eyes and those lips, and I'm like, "Whenever. I'll be awake."

He's like, "So at 6 AM, then? Gotchya." I liked it when Brandon teased me. He was always so quiet about it. I think we had a moment where we didn't know what to say after that. It was a bit uncomfortable, but it hardly meant much when I thought about what could be gained by patching things up with my number one boy again. We shared a short laugh, and he said, "I've gotta run. But I'm going to call you tomorrow, k? So...you know...answer."

I said, "I'll clear my schedule." Then he started to step back from me to walk away, and even though I was standing right there, looking at him...I felt like I missed him already. Do I give him a hug? Can I...can I kiss him? Just, like...on the cheek or something? He's getting further away with every step. I didn't want to just let him leave. But something about his possible reaction scared me enough to hold me still. So, like an idiot, I just said, "K...bye..."

Really? That was the best that I could come up with? Dammit! It's like...I had a mini panic attack in the center of my chest, and I couldn't figure my feelings out fast enough to get him to stay. It's like one of those scenes in the James Bond movies where he has to disarm the bomb, and the timer is racing down to zero...and in those LAST few seconds, you'll cut almost ANY wire to keep it from killing you and everyone around you! Well, I cut the wire. And much like the Bond films...instead of an explosion, the whole thing fizzled out with, "K...bye..."

It sucked. I let him go, and now I've got to wait until tomorrow to talk to him again. Geez, what do we even talk about? It's been so long...I don't even know where to begin. But I had a warm feeling in my heart that made me believe that I'd just figure it all out somehow when the time came.

That's when Ollie called me up to the register. I assumed it was for me to help put away some more of the stock he was processing, but instead...he had this giant smile on his face. He asked me, "So...who was that?"

I'm like, "Who? Brandon?"

He nodded. He's like, "So...Brandon is...what?"

I said, "He's somebody that I know from school."

But Ollie grins, like, "No, not just who is he...but who is he to you, exactly?"

I just kinda shrugged, hoping not to say anything to give myself away. I said, "He's just...Brandon. That's all."

Ollie snickered to himself for a moment. Like, "Oh. Ok then. He's just Brandon. I see. And that Jamie boy that came in here last week for you? Is he just Jamie?"

Wait...what was he asking me exactly. Abort! Abort! Retreat immediately! I tried to distract him by saying, "Do you have any stuff back there for me to put away?"

Ollie raised an eyebrow, and gave me a wicked grin...but he slowly shook his head and told me, "Nope. You can just go back to work now, just Billy. Hehehe!" He politely shooed me away from the counter again, but I got the feeling that Ollie might be watching me a bit closer than I thought. WHY is it that people can tell that I'm gay? What kind of vibe am I giving off that just clues people in on who I am...outside of what I tell them, that is?

He didn't really ask me about it again, but he smiled at me a lot more. Like...'I know. Nah nah...', you know?

Maybe I'm just being weird. Anyway, who cares. If I was going to be comfortable coming out to anybody else...Ollie would be the first place I'd go. I wonder if he knows about Robin already?

So....yeah...Jimmy came over early today. I have to admit, I was really horny myself. I think it was mostly because I knew Jimmy was coming to my house for that exact reason. Not only did I feel this eager heartbeat in my chest, but I actually got a bit impatient and flustered between the time he called to tell me he was on his way and the moment he rang my doorbell. I can remember sooooo many times that I've written in my journals that I didn't really 'crave' Jimmy LaPlane. But today, I did. It feels a lot like total infatuation, but a bit different. It's hard to explain. Like...what I feel for Brandon? It lingers. It's always there. It never goes away. Even when I'm hurt or angry or just wanting to run as far away from it as humanly possible. It just...doesn't go away. With Jimmy...all that affection, all that excitement, all that love and adoration...it's all built up in anticipation. It comes before the moment we both kiss and grind and penetrate and spew liquids all over each other. Up until that point, Jimmy is a dream come true. But then...when it's over...I can't really define the feeling that's left behind. It's not anything bad. Not by a longshot. Jimmy is awesome! Just...

Just...

It's like, once the anticipation and the 'promise' of a good time has been achieved...the emotion fades. Like the flame of a used match. It just burns out, and the 'light' is gone. And I find myself needing to call Jimmy again to come over for more anticipation and promise. Without that part...what do we have? My feelings exist for Jimmy before he gets here, and I dance around on my tiptoes just waiting for it. But...seeing Brandon again so soon after the last time...his appeal lasts both before and after. Even now, I find myself longing for just a kiss. Just one.

I feel stuck, but only because I'm still trying to have the best of both worlds. And that never works. I tried it with Sam, I tried it with Brandon and Bobby Jinette, I even tried it with AJ. But there's no perfection out there. Just a balance of having what you love, and loving what you have, I guess.

Doesn't sound so bad to me.

Anyway, I've gotta go. I need my beauty sleep. I have a date with a 'gentleman caller' tomorrow. Hehehe! Well, just...lunch. But still, it'll be good to talk to him again. Really 'talk'. Without me being stubborn and pigheaded about leaving emotions at the door, and without Jimmy feeding Brandon horrendous rumors and lies about me...maybe we can have the first open and honest conversation that we've had since we first split up. I don't know...it just makes me smile.

Really smile...

Anyway, like I said...Jimmy got what he wanted, and so did I. They just weren't the same thing. Not today.

I'll write more later. I'm sure I'll be all love-crazy and stupid, hehehe...but there's no better way to live. Believe me.

Laters.

- Billy