The Secret Life Of Billy Chase 8 - 37. Chapter 37

Saturday

- I have to admit that I was somewhat surprised that Trace didn't take tonight's opportunity to booze it up and get Simon and me involved along the way. I expected it so much that I was almost disappointed. I guess he was being a 'good boy' tonight, just like he promised he would. Go figure.

It was really cool to see Simon again though. It feels like it's been forever since he last saw the light of day. Or...er...night in this case. He let his hair grow out a little bit longer than usual. It covered his ears better, and sorta hung down to the bridge of his glasses in front. I don't know, I just thought it was kind of a cute look on him, that's all.

Anyway, I just got home not long ago and I'm still kinda settling down for the night. So...let me get into the details while they're still somewhat fresh in my mind.

I can't really say that today went according to plan or anything, because I honestly had NO plan whatsoever when I woke up this morning. None. I had no chance to think about what I was going to say to Brandon when I got to the Hill, because I had absolutely no idea what we were going to talk about. So coming up with some kind of strategy ahead of time on how to make today go as smoothly and as painlessly as possible was pretty much thrown out of the window.

I came to find out...that might have been Brandon's plan all along. Maybe that was the point...

Jimmy sent me a brief message this morning. I only noticed it because I thought that I'd better double check to see if Brandon might have to rearrange our plans or something at the last minute. I read it, but I tried to push it out of my mind as quickly as possible. I don't know why I thought the added stress of Jimmy's feelings for me would jinx things between me and Brandon today, but...I put it off to deal with later.

It just said, "So...I guess we're done talking for now, then. Huh? :("

Did I send the last email? Or did he? I can't remember. I don't remember saying anything that was particularly rude to him or anything. I just...I stared at that sentence and didn't know what to think of it. When I talk to him, he gets hurt. When I don't talk to him, he gets hurt. What am I supposed to do? I want to make sure that he's ok. It's not like I don't care, I'm just...not sure how to go about dealing with this just yet. I think I'll try to just...be subtle about bringing it up in a conversation with Sam the next time I talk to him. Maybe tomorrow if I can catch him. I know that I'm supposed to be staying out of this altogether, but it's driving me crazy. Jimmy's truly beginning to worry me now. And I can't help but to feel that I might be able to reach him in a way that Sam can't. I don't know...like I said, I'll deal with that a bit later.

So...

...Brandon...

I honestly thought that I was going to be sick to my stomach, stressing over this private conversation of ours. I went out to the Hill today, completely blinded with a bizarre sense of worry...and I got there almost a half hour early. So I had to sit there on the Hill, shivering, trying to think optimistically but expecting the absolute worst from all of this, regardless.

I found myself plucking at the grass next to me. I don't remember picking up that particular habit from Brandon, but I knew that the whole damn Hill would be completely bald if I didn't consciously make an effort to stop myself.

And then...Brandon shows up.

The anxiety inside was causing this turbulent series of intense tremors to rumble through me, making it hard for me to stand up on my own two feet as he approached from the far corner of the park. I swear...it took him forever to cross the short distance between us. But he got more beautiful with every step that he took in my direction. Please let this be good news, God. Please...

He finally walked up to the top of the Hill and was like, "Hey..." I returned the greeting, and he said, "I'm not late, am I?"

I said, "No. Actually, I got here really early. So..." It was an awkward meeting for the both of us. That was no secret. But there was no getting around the whole stampede of rampaging elephants in the room at this point. Whatever it was that we had to work out, there wasn't going to be any easy way to just sorta 'wander' into it and make it seem like an accident. So, once we sat down under the tree and squirmed for a minute or two, I told him, "Listen...you already know how I feel about you, right? I mean, I don't know how else to say it, but I'll find a way to express that to you if you need me to. Out of everything that I've ever experienced in my life...nothing compares to what I felt the first time you told me that you loved me. Nothing. I spent so much time thinking about it, writing about it, dreaming about it...but...I found myself totally unprepared when you finally became a part of my life. It was nothing like I thought it would be. It was so much more. More than I could handle, actually. But I knew that it was right. Everything about you was perfect, and I never felt so sure about anything else before. Every time I go back and remember all the times you made me smile...I feel like I'm going to fall over. I find myself smiling, and I just can't stop. Maybe it sounds weird to hear it, Brandon...but you changed my life. I won't ever look at love the same way ever again." I felt like I was talking too much, so I ended with, "Whatever it is you want to talk about, I'll be honest. I'll be open. Whatever you want from me, you can have it. I just want a second chance to make things right. A chance to show you that I can change. Ok? I promise."

Brandon let out a heavy sigh. He was sorta looking down at the ground, his elbows resting on his knees. The tension I felt at that particular moment could have choked a T-Rex! But I was patient enough to wait for him to find the words. Then he's like, "I'm not sure where to begin, but...as much as I love you, Billy...I guess..." He stopped for a moment, and his voice trembled a little bit as he said, "...I guess I just want to start by asking 'why'. I mean...like...I dunno. Just...why?"

It hurt him to say it, but...for lack of anything else to say, I was like, "I don't know why, Brandon."

He's like, "I just want to know what I did wrong. That's all. You can tell me, Billy. I don't want you to spare my feelings on this. I really want to know." He looked at me as his eyes began to water up, and he asked me, "Did I...'neglect' you in some way? Was I not cute enough?"

I'm like, "NO! That's not what happened!"

He's like, "Did I make you feel unloved? Did I not say it enough? Was I not affectionate enough? Is it because I'm not out to my family? Because I can come out if it makes you feel that bad. I'll find a way. Was it the sex? Did you want more sex from me? Was that all it was? Because I could have pushed and struggled and found some way for us to be together and get some more time alone if this was all just about alack of sex. I could have fixed that if you told me that it bothered you that much. I would have done anything to be with you..."

Feeling a bit ashamed, I said, "No, Brandon. It wasn't that either."

He raised his voice a little when he said, "So what WAS it then??? What did I do? What did I NOT do? Why did you betray me? Please, Billy...tell me something! Because I keep playing everything out over and over in my head, and I can't for the life of me figure out where I went so wrong that you felt the need to chase after somebody else." He quickly caught a tear as it dripped from his eye, and he looked away from me again. "I love you, Billy. I really do. But unless I know what it was that made you want to run out on me...unless I know what it was that you needed so badly that you couldn't come talk to me about it...I'm never going to be able to trust you ever again. I'll never be able to start over if I'm constantly wondering why you're just tired of being around me. Sick of talking to me. Unable to care about me. Because I won't be able to survive another heartbreak like that. I'd much rather be nothing at all than just some random piece of trash that you've moved on and forgotten about because you didn't think I was good enough to be worthy of your love."

God...what was he doing to me? I told him, "I'd never do that to you. Or to anybody. It had nothing to do with you being good enough, ok? Brandon, it was never my intention to hurt you like that. I don't know what you want me to tell you..."

He's like, "I want you to tell me the truth, Billy. I want you to tell me why."

I said, "I really don't know why, ok?" I sniffled. I'm like, "Bobby was there, and I was there, and...it just happened..."

Brandon rolled his eyes, like, "It didn't just 'happen', Billy. It kept happening. Again and again while you lied to my face about it. Bobby told me everything. Remember? You didn't just make a spur of the moment mistake, you deliberately screwed around behind my back. Repeatedly. Please, tell me that I did something wrong. Tell me that I wasn't a good boyfriend to you. Tell me that I mistreated you. Tell me that I was severely lacking in some way and that the last few months of excruciating pain and suffering wasn't over some stupid random event that 'just happened'. There HAD to be a legitimate reason that you thought of him as being...so much 'better' than me..."

The more he spoke, the more I wish I had the barrier of a phone or an instant message between us so this wouldn't be so hard to face. But...as I said, I think that was the point of us talking it out in person. I just fumbled for a second or two, and I said, "I swear....Bobby was never better than you. And you never did anything wrong. You were perfect."

He's like, "Well, obviously not."

But I told him, "I think I just...wrapped myself up in the moment and I...I didn't think about anything that was going to come after that. It was just...something that seemed like a much better idea at the time. That's all it was. At the end of the day, it had nothing to do with you. Or even with Bobby, for that matter. It was just me...trying to go after what I thought I wanted."

Tears ran out of Brandon's eyes, and he said, "I thought what you 'wanted' was me..."

I said, "It was. It still is. If I could take it all back..."

He's like, "But you CAN'T take it all back, can you?" I could tell that he was more hurt than angry, but he rubbed his eyes and took a deep breath to calm himself down again. He's like, "I'm not trying to corner you, Billy. And I'm not trying to punish you either. I just...I want you. All I ever wanted was you. And I really want this to work. But as much as my heart wants to reach out for you and forget that any of this heartbreaking madness ever took place...there's always going to be a part of me that's going to feel like I'm not going to be enough to keep you from running off with somebody else the next time you feel frisky and find yourself another stray opportunity. If it 'just happened' with one boy, then why not two? Why not five? Why not TEN? If being spontaneous is a good enough excuse to hurt the people you love, why not just become the biggest whore in town? Who cares, as long as you pretend to feel bad about it afterward, right? Hell, why even bother to do that much?" He said. Then he got a little choked up, like, "What happens if I decide to really REALLY invest all of my heart and emotion into us starting from scratch...and some other random cute boy walks by and steals your attention away all over again? What then?" He was suffering sooooo much. I could tell when he turned his head to look me in the eye. He's like, "How am I supposed to love somebody that I can't trust? I'm not looking for a 'fling', Billy. I wish I was the kind of person who just...jumps on whatever gets me hot until I get tired of it and move on...but I'm not. I want someone that I can depend on. Someone who can depend on me. I want to share something real. Something based on more than good looks and opportunity. And I....I used to think that you were that guy..."

I jumped in, like, "I AM that guy, Brandon!" But that only seemed to make his tears worse. "I know that I fucked up more times than I can count. I won't make any excuses for that. But...it was a harsh lesson to learn. Because while you were suffering over me, I was suffering over you too. Twice as much. I was being selfish and immature at the time, but if I've learned ONE thing through it all...it's that I'm never going to love anybody else the way that I love you. Believe me, I've tried. I don't care about them the way I care about you. They don't care about ME the way you did either. Everything that I wanted them to be, that I thought I needed them to be...was just a shadow of what you mean to me. I don't want to pretend anymore. I don't want to make up stories in my head and act like any of those other boys are going to be around a few months, or even a few weeks, from now. It all seems so silly." I scooted closer, and put my hand on Brandon's shoulder. I'm like, "Nothing hurts me, excites me, or throws me into a state of total chaos, like wondering whether or not you love me the way I love you. Nothing. I might have been too stupid to realize that before...but I know it now. And I'm not dumb enough to take your love for granted twice. I'm in it for the long haul. Whatever you want me to do, I'll do. Whatever you want me to be, I'll be. I'm sorry that it took so much pain and misery on your part for me to understand what true love was...but it left a permanent scar on my heart. One that won't ever let me forget again. Not about you. And not about 'us'. Ok?"

At that moment, there were some teenage boys that came walking down the alley. One of them was tossing a football in the air. Brandon and I were quick to straighten up and wipe our eyes and our faces so as not to let them see us. We were both hoping and praying that they wouldn't stop here and want to play ball in the park. Everything was going so well...or at least I thought it was...and I don't think we would have been as honest with our conversation if we had 'company' around. You know?

Brandon was right though. We needed this. It's been a long time coming, and I'm glad that we're finally just getting it all out in the open. I don't know...it just felt like a more 'adult' solution than the little mind games we used to play before. The little secrets we used to keep. I liked this better. It was new to me. A step up to a higher level, you know?

Luckily for us, the other boys seemed to just be passing through. Probably going to play ball in one of the bigger parks off of the main street. We waited until they were gone and breathed a sigh of relief. I think I had a smudge of dirt or something on my cheek, because Brandon noticed it right away. I guess a flood of tears and fingers dirty from pulling up blades of grass for a half hour in the park will do that. Then, as if it was the most natural thing in the world, he reached up and wiped the smudge away with his thumb. I mean, was that supposed to feel as comfortable as it did? I don't know. But it caused our eyes to meet for a moment...and instantly there was a spark again. Albeit a faded one.

It was just a feeling of familiarity that charged us both up, causing us to share a very subtle smile from the sensation of it. We were two of a kind, Brandon and I. We had something special together that most people simply wouldn't be able to understand. That's ok, though. I liked having our connection be so...unique.

But...as his smile dimmed slightly and he focused his gaze back down to his shoelaces...I knew that our little 'talk' wasn't quite over yet.

His whole mood seemed to darken again as he said, "Billy? I know that you and I broke up, like...forever ago..." Then he paused, and was like, "...And I know, for a fact, that you haven't been 'alone' during that whole time. And neither have I. I was kinda hoping that we could talk about that too."

I had to actually stifle a little gasp at the idea of it, as I was REALLY hoping to hold off on that whole discussion for a while longer. A LOT longer, in fact. In my mind, I was hoping that Brandon and I could rebuild some kind of relationship with one another that was strong and steady before...you know...possibly wrecking everything with talk about what I've done since then. But...ugh...I suppose that we can't ever really start fresh unless we get this hazardous mess out of the way first. Right? So I'm like..."Oh. Ok..."

Brandon's eyes were already watering again, but I could tell that he wanted to get this out. He was like, "I know that it's going to hurt to hear. Every time I think about you with someone else, it's like stabbing me in the heart and tearing my life to pieces all over again. But I want you to be honest with me, ok? I mean it." He said, and I agreed that I would. He sniffled for a moment, and he said, "You know...when I was with Stevie...I mean, he and I....we were intimate with each other. On more than one occasion. On....on a lot of occasions, actually."

You know, after all this time, I thought that I would be over the idea of Stevie having sex with my boyfriend. I thought that it wouldn't really affect me as much anymore, and that I could just brush it off of my shoulder like it never happened at all. But when he said those words out loud...something inside of me just felt extremely 'heavy'. Hurt, and heavy, and...it was like having a rust fork slowly raked across the surface of my heart. Yeah...I think I know what he means about...you know...the thought of him with someone else. The picture it put in my head made it hard for me to breathe.

I'm like, "Yeah. I kinda figured." I didn't let on to what I was feeling, but I think he could see it in my face anyway.

He's like, "And...there was one other guy. But that was just because...I was feeling really alone, and I needed something to make me feel better. Just about myself in general."

Ok, so...that perked my ears up. WHAT 'other guy'??? Who else had their hands on my Brandon? WHO???

Trying to remain calm, I asked, "Oh? What other guy?"

You know what he told me? He says, "I can't really say. I'm not trying to be a hypocrite or anything, I just...I can't say, ok? But I wanted to make sure that you knew about him too. It was just...a mistake. Two mistakes, actually. But we only did it twice." What the hell does THAT mean??? I could have been really upset and demanded that he told me who, what, when, and where, but...no. I though it would be best to keep my grace and let it go. At least he told me the truth. And compared to MY list of 'Post-Brandon' exploits, I should be jumping for joy that he stopped at two. He was like, "Nothing about that situation made me feel good about myself. It didn't take the pain away, it just made it worse. I suppose that I just needed to learn that the hard way."

Feeling a pinch of misery, I lowered my head and tried to understand. "Oh. It's ok. I get it."

He's all like, "Honestly, Billy...I had broken up with Stevie, and you weren't talking to me, and Jimmy was telling me all of this stuff about how you had moved on without me...I just felt so isolated. Heartbroken...and angry...and alone. Then there was this...this 'guy' who just...he made me feel wanted, you know? I mean, I didn't really believe half of what he was saying to me. I had more common sense than that. But I wanted to believe it. I wanted to push the 'hurt' aside for a little while and just...feel good for a while. If that makes any sense..."

The idea of it hit me like a freight train! And had I not been concentrating on keeping my cool at that very moment, I might have EXPLODED and gone fucking CRAZY over the disgusting thought of it all!!! I KNEW that sentiment when I heard it! I remember Jimmy LaPlane talking about it! I remember it myself! I remember Robin talking about it too! And so help me, God...if I ever find out that AJ put one hand on my sweet and innocent angel...he's FUCKING DEAD!!!!! That's a fucking guarantee!!!

Omigod...I was so full of rage when he said that! Not AJ! ANYBODY but AJ!

I thought about Brandon being at the mall to come and visit me. I thought about AJ and that 'Rodney' boy that he just picked up out of nowhere. I thought about every last moment between our break up and us sitting right here on this Hill...and even though I couldn't be sure that it was actually him...I wanted to VOMIT at the thought of my lovely Brandon moaning and sharing his tender affections with some fucking user ASSHOLE like AJ!!! I couldn't accept that. I'd have to kill AJ before sunrise if it ever came to that.

Brandon saw the look on my face, and he began to sniffle as he apologized again. But I think he misunderstood what I was angry about. I was like, "No. Dude, I understand. I just...I don't know. I'd rather not think about it." Did I say that right? I wasn't looking at him when I said it, so I didn't quite gauge a reaction from him. I think I said it right.

Then...it got to be my turn. Now, I know that I'm probably going to kick myself in the nads later for not being completely honest with him about the mistakes I've made since we've been apart...but...maybe I can ease into these other stupid exploits over time. I certainly didn't want to mention AJ! I just...I thought that might be really weird. Especially if Brandon and AJ had....you know, just in case they...Ugh! I'm gonna drive myself fucking CRAZY thinking about this now!!!

I didn't mention Randall, seeing as nothing really happened there between us. And I didn't mention Robin because...he works with me now, and I really didn't want to arouse any of Brandon's suspicions about us spending time together when he wasn't around. Besides, that just circles back to AJ, and I don't want to get caught up in that tragedy. I wasn't lying really. I simply thought that it was better (at least for now) to leave a few things unsaid. For now.

Yikes, I didn't realize how ashamed I was about this stuff until Brandon asked me to talk to him about it.

The day will come when it's all so far in the past that it won't matter anymore, right? I'll be a good boyfriend this time around. The BEST boyfriend! I'll put in the work. I'll make the effort. And I'll hopefully be able to earn back some of the trust I threw in the garbage when I started letting my erection do all of the logical thinking for me.

But as awkward as it was, I did what I could to be honest as Brandon went down his short list of suspects. He was like, "I promise that I'm not going to think of you any differently if you just tell me the truth, ok? I just...I feel like I need to know." Once I agreed, he was like, "So...that 'Lee' guy that I saw you with at school that one day? Did you...I mean, were you two....?"

He couldn't even say it out loud, but I knew what he meant. Ugh! God, I felt like such a fucking lowlife for having to admit to it, but...I was like, "...Yeah. For a little while. Or...I mean, like...a few times. But it wasn't love or anything. We just kinda got together every other weekend to fool around, mostly. I can't really say that I even remember how that whole thing started, to be honest. Or why I tried to turn it into more than what it was. It was...forgettable."

Brandon swallowed the pain of hearing it, and then wiped his eyes as he asked, "And Jimmy? Jimmy seemed to be pretty stuck on you. After everything he told me about how you and I were never going to be together and how we'd never work things out...I kinda figured he'd move in once I was out of the way."

I didn't expect him to jump to Jimmy so fast, but...after a slight wince and a sharp pain in my stomach...I told him, "Yeah. Jimmy and I...well...yeah, that happened. For a few weeks." I really didn't go into details about that at ALL, but I nearly cried when I saw Brandon turn away from me to hide the tortured expression on his face. I was like, "I didn't know WHAT I was doing! We were just supposed to be friends. The more I tried to make Jimmy my sweetheart...the worse my loneliness got. I felt guilty, and manipulative, and just...empty in the long run. It eventually got to be too much and I just...I let him know the truth. And I just brought the whole messy situation to an end before I ended up regretting it for the rest of my life. Again...it was just something that happened, Brandon. Something that I should have put a stop to before it had gotten as far as it did. You've got to believe me."

I don't think I was really making any points here, but he listened. Even though it hurt him to his very core...he listened.

He sobbed a bit, and asked, "...And Bobby?"

I'm like, "No. Not Bobby."

But more tears ran out of his eyes, and he whimpered like, "Billy, please...I mean it, ok? You can tell me..."

I said, "No! I didn't do anything else with Bobby Jinette. Never again, I swear." I said, then after a pause between us, I asked, "Do you believe me?"

He just cried, "I don't know, Billy. I honestly don't...." Then he tried to compose himself, and he asked, "And Sam? Your best friend?"

Ummmmm....ok....

So MAYBE I should have come clean about that one too...but I didn't. Technically, I did promise Sam that I'd never tell another living soul what happened between us, but...I think I just hid that one because I was racking up one hell of a score on the 'Shit I Wish I Had Never Done' scoreboard.

I didn't say 'no'. Maybe that doesn't count as a lie then. What I said was, "Sam is straight. He just...he likes girls. He actually has a girlfriend right now. I've barely seen him this Summer so far. I mean...Sam is cute and he used to be fun to dream about when we were little kids, but...that's just a waste of my time. He's never going to be...you know...available. Not to me, anyway. So that's just going to end up being more frustrating than anything rewarding."

Thankfully...Brandon took that as a satisfactory answer.

Then he's like, "Is there anybody else that I should know about? Be honest..." Reluctantly, I shook my head. I mean...if only you could have SEEN how utterly destroyed he was inside, just knowing about those few boys. And considering how I reacted to the mere POSSIBILITY of AJ touching someone that meant so very much to me...I can imagine that hearing what I just told him must have already been driving an iron spike right through the center of his heart. I would only end up making things worse if I said any more. I know that I'll probably regret that later, but...I just wanted this 'talk' of ours to be over. I really did.

We sat there for a while. Side by side. Both of us unsure of where to go from there.

Then, he sighed to himself and asked, "How can we both love each other sooooo much, and have everything go so wrong?"

I said, "I don't know. Lack of experience, maybe?" Yikes, why do I feel like I betrayed every teenage boy on the planet by saying those words out loud?

A silence fell over us, but Brandon looked over at me. Looked at me with those eyes. Those pretty pretty eyes, with the long lashes, now glimmering in the daylight with unshed tears. And he said, "I can't imagine what my life would be without you. I feel blind and irrational just thinking about diving into this again, but...I know what I want, Billy. And I want you." He's like, "I want someone who makes me feel the way you do. Someone who completes me, challenges me, stimulates me. Someone that I can look in the eye...and see into forever. I want my favorite boy back..."

Feeling a bit emotional, I held back a few sniffles and said, "And I want my angel...heh...."

And with only a short hesitation...Brandon took the plunge, leaned in, and kissed me softly on the lips. I could feel his hand tenderly caressing my cheek, and I was instantly reminded of what a true kiss felt like. After all that I've been through...it was orgasmic to feel his lips pressed against mine again, reconnecting me with a sensation that I had almost forgotten. This was my Brandon. My exquisite slice of Heaven. And even though we still had mountains to climb to get back to what we once had...that journey started today. Right there at the Hill. With that single kiss.

Finally...life felt as though it was moving in the right direction again. Finally, we were making some real progress.

So...Brandon and I didn't know how to make 'plans' or anything for when we were going to get together again. When we left the park, it still felt a bit too soon to start spouting off 'I Love You' confessions or anything. (I didn't want to make THAT mistake again!) But...I could tell from the boyish smirk he gave me that our return to being that bashful young couple that we once were in the school library, at least for now, was a heavily implied success. I said that I would call him tomorrow night once I got my work schedule for the week, and we could figure out a game plan from there. Something that he seemed pretty happy about. God, we had been crying so damn much that our eyes were just as red as our cheeks were. Hehehe, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered.

Brandon timidly kissed me on the cheek before saying goodbye. That's when I felt it. That excited tremor in my heart. That blaze of color and a burst of fireworks. It was right there. Feeding me. Fueling my infatuation. Letting me know that it was right. Oh wow...God, how I missed that feeling. How does he do that? How is it possible that Brandon is the only person who can do that?

Well...and maybe Jamie Cross. Shit, I should have tried Jamie Cross....just to see what might have happened. Hehehe! Don't worry, I'm just kidding! I swear! I've got a boyfriend. Like...for 'real' this time. I'm more than satisfied.

As for Trace...I'm not exactly sure what happened to him between last night and tonight...but he was in a really mellow mood the entire time that we were together. Even Simon noticed it. To be honest, I think Trace might have cancelled on us if he wasn't so dedicated to celebrating Simon's first true day of freedom this Summer. He was distant or rude or anything, he just...wasn't Trace. It was a side of him that I hadn't seen since I first met him in that high school bathroom, sitting up on the sink counter and ditching class.

I'm thinking because he's dreading the last week of being able to stay with my dad before having to move back home. I just remember him saying, "The whole house...it looks so empty, you know? Just one more week..." Simon and I were both kinda quiet about it, but I don't think Trace noticed. He's like, "Mikey still doesn't understand why he can't put his box of toys out there with all the others. I think Mikey's under the impression that we're going with them. Heh...kids, right?"

Yeah, Trace wasn't himself tonight.

Simon can't stand the idea of Summer school. He's been there for less than a week. Four days. And he's still trying to duck around corners like a preacher sneaking out of a strip club. I'm sure he'll get used to it once classes get going and he goes back to being the smartest kid in every class again. To be honest, I never wanted Simon to get in trouble with his parents...but I'm glad he fell off the overachiever wagon for a little while. Trace and I are never going to let Simon DRINK again...but at least he can say he gave it a shot.

Trace's room probably still reeks of whatever it was that Simon had for dinner that night. Yeesh!

A very subtle night, but much less than what I expected. We kept asking Trace if he was ok, and he kept shrugging his shoulders in response. Not a 'yes', not a 'no'...just a shrug of his shoulders. As if he was trying really hard to go back to not caring again. Which I hope isn't the case. Not now when he's been doing so much better.

I'll call him. We'll talk. I'm sure he's just bummed about having to move home again. That's all.

Anyway, if I write anymore tonight, my hand is going to literally fall off the end of my arm. This had to end somewhere, you know?

I'm not exactly sure what I want to say to even end this monstrosity. I just...I feel good. About life, I mean. A few rough patches here, a few scratches there...but overall I feel like I'm working towards something. Something special. And when I look at my reflection in the mirror, face to face, eye to eye...I see something that I haven't really seen in a while.

I see 'hope'.

Maybe that storm cloud is finally gliding over me. Maybe sunshine days are coming. Who knows? As long as I have hope...I've got patience. And with hope and patience, all things are possible. Or so I'm assuming. Hehehe...

Later...

- Billy