As They Say - (Revised) - 15. Entry 23

Let me start at the beginning of the day before I get caught by my Mam or forget what happened. At this point, I'm tired, and the events of the day are starting to become muddled.

Starting with this morning, I woke up and did my usual morning routine before going next door to knock for Ross. I cleaned up my room a tiny bit. Not that it helped it look better. Everything is dated, so, it still looks a mess.

I hoped Ross would say yes about sleeping over, and he did. After I did my cleaning, I still said, “Sorry for the mess," when Ross stopped over.

After breakfast, I chose to go over to Ross's house and knock. I didn't have any plans as such to ask him if he wanted to stay over. Even if I could spend some of the morning with Ross, that would have been cool too. His grandmother let me in, and I was shocked to hear that Ross was still asleep. The last few mornings, he'd been cutting out sleeping to meet up with the gang and me.

Mrs. O'Sullivan told me to go on up and wake prince charming. Climbing the stairs, I contemplated how I would ask him to the sleepover. Ross's presence is like an honour to share— if that somehow makes sense. When I got to the top of the stairs and tapped on his door, Ross let out a groan of sorts.

Ross asked, "Who is it?"

I said, "It's me."

Muffled, Ross shouted, "Wait a minute!"

So, I lingered, listing to the rummaging within the room occur. When Ross finally told me to proceed, I found it funny. Ross knew it was me, and something had happened while I waited. I didn't exactly know what, but I knew something had transpired. In fact, his grandmother told me he was sleeping. Though Ross was not, he was apparently awake. There is no way in hell I'd move that quickly if I weren't already awake. The only things I can think of is if you’re late for school or bopping the baloney. In doing so, when I made my way into the dimly lit room, Ross sat on the bed, somewhat awkwardly holding the blankets up to cover his lower body. The way Ross sat seemed to emulate one of those times when someone gets out of bed, naked, and they need to cover themselves up suddenly. Though Ross didn't seem to be nakey; his pyjama bottoms were visible since the blankets only came down over his knees.

Though what I found even more exotic was the pair of boxer shorts beside the bed. In a fluster, Ross must have tried to get dressed and forgot to pick up his undies. My mind started wandering to the possibility of Ross having a morning wank, and I just interrupted it. It seemed hot at the time, but something about disturbing him appeared almost wrong in a sense. I felt terrible, yes, for interrupting his jerk off session. I know how devastating it is to be interrupted in the middle of the deed. I wonder what Ross was doing it too, but let's not go there. Otherwise, I'll have to put the diary away for the night and begin playing with myself.

Once that hurdle was crossed, things got on track, and Ross got out of bed, running for the toilet to quickly get prepared, brush his teeth, and whatever else it is he does in the bathroom. While he was gone, I glanced down at the underwear. It was the same brand of boxers that I have stashed in the back of my wardrobe. I am pretty confident I have a pair of Ross's underwear now. I was tempted to take the other boxers, but he'd surely know if I took it.

Ross seems to be very comfortable leaving things just hanging around. If I were him, I'd be embarrassed about leaving my underwear out on display. I know all too well that my underpants are secret and should not be displayed or left hanging around the way Ross does.

Anyway, with that, Ross came back out of the bathroom, all fresh. Ross stood under the door frame for a few seconds, intently staring at me. It was awkward for a moment. It was like Ross was contemplating saying something, but he didn't.

Instead, Ross said, "Come on, let's go."

Both of us bounded downstairs to get breakfast like a pack of hungry wolves. Mrs. O’Sullivan, Ross’s grandmother, made pancakes for the two of us. Might I tell you how gorgeous they were? I have never had such a delicious pancake in all my life. But now I can say I have, and Ross’s granny made it.

We began munching away when we got the chocolate his grandma made for the pancakes. Mrs. O'Sullivan is so lovely. I'll never know why I never got to know her before Ross. It almost feels a little weird and eccentric even. I've lived my entire life beside these people, and I never knew she could cook or that they had a grandson. I'm going to be a bit sad when Ross leaves, but for now, it's all happy. I want more pancakes and chocolate.

It's pretty comforting to know that Ross likes chocolate on his pancakes. What is better than a boy who loves chocolate on his pancakes?

Well, that's what happened when Ross's grandmother asked what we wanted as a topping. I didn't exactly know what I wanted to say. So, I decided I’d just go with the traditional topping. Well, mainly because Ross chose chocolate. You can’t go wrong when a cute boy picks chocolate as his topping. As I made up my mind on what to pick, I got a wrenching, churning sensation in my stomach. It felt like I wanted to puke. Yeah, that's right. That's the feeling, alright. I was going to barf, upchuck everything that I had in my stomach onto the table. However, I'm so glad that did not happen. Ross kept making my tummy feel uneasy, and all it took was a smile.

When we left Ross's grannies, we just went down by ourselves to the creek by the castle, and again Ross took my bike. I don't know what possessed us to go there, but I guess it just felt natural that both of us should go there. I think Ross is happy. The castle, it's like our little, happy, safe place away from everybody else—a secret that only the two of us know about, and that makes it feel all the more special.

It was just the two of us down by the creek, and while we were sitting by the bank, I watched Ross skip stones off into the lake. There was a silence for the most part, but Ross broke this stillness with a question after a while.

Ross asked, "How do you like... know if you're different?"

I wasn't exactly sure what Ross was talking about. The only thing I could imagine that Ross was talking about was maybe his personality. I tried broaching the question.

I asked, "What do you mean?"

Ross just nervously edged about on the side of the bank and got a little flustered. My heart sank a little bit. Ross thought for a moment and then rephrased his question slightly.

"I think, something's wrong. I feel a little weird."

I asked, “How?”

Ross gave me a quizzical expression. I couldn’t say anything else, and Ross quickly tried to change the subject, but I was persistent.

I said, "No! Tell me what's really on your mind."

Ross somehow grew nervous and retreated back into the thick outer shell encasing his cute personality.

Ross just said, "I don't know... never mind. I'm just speaking rubbish."

I was slightly disappointed; I didn't exactly know how to continue the conversation. I did not want to make the conversation any more awkward than it was already. If I did, Ross would definitely think that I'm weird for even insinuating that he might be trying to come out to me.

Oh god… Now, I see how bad it looks. Did I just try to ask if Ross is gay or something? Knowing my luck, he'll probably abandon me now, tomorrow or something. Okay, maybe I'm just overreacting. If I were feeling uncomfortable, I would leave me as well, directly after even saying such a thing. I really must have some hope for myself; I seem to be beating myself up even more these days. I swear, if my Mam ever reads this diary, she'd probably think that I hate myself; when I seemingly don't. I need to reflect rationally and logically before I even attempt to open my mouth in the future.

Around lunch, we decided to walk into town. We hopped on the bikes and rode down the backcountry roads. It felt like it was my first time on that weird little journey. I can't exactly explain why. Carl and I have cycled our bikes into town all these years, and I've never felt the need to say, “Wow.”

But something about travelling with Ross today was, well… 'Wow.'

I can't stress this enough; Ross is a really cool person. I've never felt like this for anyone other than Ross. All these feelings swirling around in my head are a little weird and confusing. I'll never understand how it relates to me personally because I'm always going to be blindsided when Ross is around.

When we got into town, we peddled around for a bit. Then we both propped our bikes outside the candy shop and went in to see what was on offer. While I was negotiating, Ross moseyed around the entire shop, looking at what was on offer like he was transfixed. Being from London, I would have thought Ross had been accustomed to such things. Though from the way Ross looked at all the milseán today with a childlike wonder suggested otherwise. Still, it was cute.

Ross seemed to open up more about personal subjects. I don't think I would ever have the courage to say any of the stuff Ross talked about today, and how he's feeling. I think Ross is sad deep down. Ross kept talking about how his parents started fighting, and if he hadn’t been born, they wouldn’t need anything to fight about. I think his parents' whole situation has been particularly tough on him, and Ross hasn't really opened up to anyone about it—well, other than me. I don't think... Actually, I'm confident that Ross hasn't told his granny or granddad about how he's feeling. I’m sure there is a lot of hatred or something deep down. He’s got to be angry at his parents, after all, everything he knows is about to go to the dogs. I can't quite understand, but yeah, I'm getting a little worried about him.

I hope I have the time to dig a little deeper before Ross has to go home to England. I don't want him to go back feeling sad. The last thing I want to happen is for Ross to return home unhappy. Ross deserves some happiness, but happiness is not something that he can afford right now.

I think Ross feels like he doesn't know where he belongs, and it's starting to show as each day goes on. I hate to admit it, but I don't think I can be of help for much longer. Well, I don't know how much longer Ross is going to be here. To be honest, it's kind of sad to think about it. I hate that he'll go home and leave me here someday. I have no idea when his parents are going to take him back to London. They are going to separate ways, and he's going to be forever feeling lost.

While living here, I hope Ross doesn't feel as lost; he has me. I'm glad that he is confiding in me, even if it's utterly confusing the fuck out of me.

And so, on our way home, I dropped the question about staying over.

“Wanna sleep over?” I asked.

Ross peered from a field, then grinned meekly. With a nod of the head, the event was agreed upon and I asked my Mam when I got home. She was delighted to have Ross stay over.

Mam said, “It would give his grandparents a break.”

And that’s how we arrived here.

So, call me crazy, but I just needed to write this down before I go actual crazy. I'm getting to the point where I'd rather go searching for this book to write in instead of saying anything to people or not saying it at all. At least, I'm getting to say it somewhere or to something.

I'm sitting on the toilet lid, writing in my diary while Ross is next door in my bedroom sleeping.

Why did I sneak off into the night?

More like across the landing area, to write in my diary... If you were in my shoes, you'd probably be in my bed looking down on Ross in his sleeping bag.

I offered up my bed for Ross and said I'd take the sleeping bag, but nooo… Ross is such a gentleman. Ross wouldn't let me have the sleeping bag on the floor, not that I would have minded, of course. We could have shared the bed, but that would be asking for too much considering we are at baby step terms.

The main thing is Ross is sleeping over with me. I can't stress how adorable Ross looks sleeping. He's like an angel lost in time. Ross likes to rest on his right side the most, and every so often, Ross tosses and turns on his back. The sounds Ross make are too cute to pass up.

If it were Carl sleeping next to me, making such noises, I would have pillowed him in the face by now. The cute puppy-like sounds Ross makes as he jumps in his sleep are adorable. I'm not sure if he's having night terrors, but the sounds escaping every time Ross jolts in his sleep makes him even more beautiful.

Plus, Ross's face looked so peaceful; and without the jumping and groaning, it was evident that he’s dreaming about something sweet. I didn't want to wake him.

Why would I wake a cutie up being all adorable?

Ross has to stay asleep. When I go back out, I'll have to watch him dream for a couple more minutes. Yes, that doesn't sound entirely creepy or anything. It's not anything a lunatic would say.

Is that weird?

I like watching him sleeping.

As scary as it seems, it is not. It's just… he’s too cute not to look at; that's it. I can't imagine anything else to do other than look. I think that's how I'm going to manage to fall asleep. I'll shift my pillows in my bed just so I can look at him as I fall asleep. That'll work, ah-ha.

I might just go back to bed and watch Ross sleep. I promise it doesn't sound as bad as it does.

I think he's awake or something. He just called me by name. I need to go….

Night,

Adam