As They Say - (Revised) - 18. Entry #26

22nd May 1991:

I had a weird dream; I dreamt of some odd, colourless mass. It felt human, though, at the same time, it wasn't exactly human. Well, it didn't appear to be. Something about my presence in the sleep world made it conscious that I was somehow around— awake and alert.

Can that be, as if I was awake inside my dream?

I'm not sure, but it felt peculiar to be vigilant at the moment.

Eventually, I saw some shapes, but there were no details. I felt afraid and apprehensive about approaching the figure. The world around me was in complete blackness, but some blinding light came from above, which only illuminated the both of us. I didn’t want to wander out into the dark in case I were to fall off the side of a cliff. I don’t know if there was a bluff, but I didn’t want to take the chance and fall to my death.

Eventually, the world around me became gradually lighter, almost grey in tone, though the creature that had made his presence known didn't bother to move. Everything around me just kept getting progressively weaker and lighter until I could barely see the lurking form. However, before the mass of a person was gone entirely, I could have sworn I noticed a door behind them. I can't be exactly sure what I saw because moments after that, the light became blinding. I felt like I was falling, and then the black world washed away, and I was sitting upright in my bed, covered in sweat.

When I checked the time, it was 6:20 AM. I managed to get a little shut-eye before I had to get up. I wasn't tired-tired, but I think I would have benefitted from a couple more hours of sleep. I don't exactly know what that dream meant, but I hope I don't have it again, just between you and me.

Great, I'm speaking to a diary again.

Oh well… I felt a little scared. I don't know why, but it felt like it was talking to me in the dream. It would be embarrassing going to my Mam and asking about evil visions. People my age don't have bad dreams. Though I'm not exactly sure if I should class this as a bad dream, even if it felt real.

When I left the house today, I had no idea where to go or what would happen. When I knocked for Ross, he didn't seem all that interested in wanting to come out and spend time with me. I'm not sure what I did, but I didn't see him at all today. He just wanted to be alone.

Ross said, "Can I have some alone time? I'm a little tired today."

I just nodded and accepted his decline. I'm not sure what I did, but I hope it isn't going to be made into a repeatable series of events because I want to hang out with him.

When Ross said that he would rather be alone than with me, it felt like I got a kick in the teeth.

Is that odd? I'm not sure.

It looks like our sleepover won’t be happening now, so… that sucks.

I let the boys know about the plans.

Sometimes, when I think I'm getting on the right track with Ross, he just grows all distant for no apparent reason. I mean, the day before was good, right? We had fun. Ross had fun, and I had more than just fun. I think just him coming along was more than anything I could have asked for. It was like my chest was opened entirely when he walked beside me. I was walking on sunshine, and for some stupid notion, it was like I was invincible. Nobody could come between him and me, and that's what's unique.

Today was a little sad comparing it to the other days that I have spent with Ross. I can't help it; it makes me feel all funny inside. It's like I get this set of bubbly ripples in my stomach. It's like if you've ever snuck into a jacuzzi at the local swimming pool— even though you're not allowed— and sit in the machine. The way the water bubbles all around you. Can you imagine that excellent feeling in your stomach? Only one-hundred times as powerful. I assumed I was going to keel over at one point. Imagine how that would look if I just suddenly toppled over for no reason. Yeah, that would look weird.

I took the kick in the teeth, and I glumly said, "Okay."

Though not all hope was lost because Ross said, “I might come out later, if that's okay."

I'll tell you, I couldn't be any happier to hear those words. Though now it's past curfew—not bedtime, but going out time. I always have to be home by the time the streetlights turn on in the town, which tells me when it's late—no need for a watch. I was still hoping that there was even just a smidgen of chance it would somehow work in my favour, and Ross would come to knock around tea-time, but he didn't. I just sat here most of the evening with the strange notion that Ross would stop by for me. I mean, he's only next door; it's not that far. Sure, I could have gone over the hedge all by myself. My Mam would have let me go next door to knock for Ross earlier, but not now. I didn't get up and go next door because a part of me told me not to or something. It made me feel sad, even a little angry, that Ross just wanted to spend the entire day doing nothing rather than hanging out.

It was even more awkward calling all the guys to postpone the sleepover. After all, I didn’t feel up to it afterward.

Whatever, I went and hung out with Carl again; he was surprised to see me. I surprised myself, truth be told.The last time I did that was when I was twelve or thereabouts. I helped Carl around the farm for an hour or so, and then we both cycled into the town, hopped the wall at St. Mary's Church, and stole the apples from the orchard in the back garden. We've done it quite a few times; we're professionals at it now. Not getting caught is something different. Those priests are shady. Imagine that, a priest or a nun coming out from their living quarters and finding two boys stealing their apples.

I would laugh my ass off if I were a priest. I once heard that one of the O'Neill boys went a bit funny in the head after our previous priest got a bit too friendly, and he was an altar boy.

Though why in hell would someone be so interested in nicking apples? Well, we were hungry at the time. I didn't have any money, and what little money Carl did have was undoubtedly not enough to buy anything. So, apples it was for the afternoon. Besides, I don't see why the parish gets so worked up about it. The new priest did a sermon not too long ago and lightly touched on the number of apples going missing from the church grounds. If he's so pent up about the almighty God himself, he would surely understand some kids taking apples that practically grow on the earth. The tree is, after all, on the planet… God’s creation, right? I'm not overthinking it, am I?

We stole, and I use stole as a form of we took what the good earth has to offer, as the priest said, and ate it. Just the two of us, we both sat overlooking the school on the bench across from the graveyard and ate. It was all cool for the most part, though I noticed something about Carl I've never seen before; he looked good to me for some reason. Looking good as in hot. I'm not sure why it appealed to me, but I liked how Carl looked today. Carl seemed cute in his working attire. The way they sat on his frame made me conscious of every little detail. How his eyebrows are perfectly matched, and how his hazel eyes were so dreamy, and of course, his one single freckle nestled in his right dimple. It made me feel special, like I wanted to reach out and see if he was indeed real. The feelings I had today are among the most confusing I have ever have had. I'm not even sure what it means, but all I know is that Carl kept this weird hold over me, and I can't shake the thoughts of it.

Come to think of it, Carl and Ross are not that different when it comes to appearance. Sure, Ross is a little smaller than Carl; Ross's hair is slightly longer and is an adorably mousy brown. Ross's eyes are the same colour as Carl's, minus the cute freckle Carl has in his dimple. Is it weird that both of them look somewhat similar? Why is it those boys stick out a whole lot more than any other boys do?

I have been secretly eyeing up Carl for months; it is no surprise when Ross arrived I fell for him as he is almost a double for my best friend. How come I didn't feel the same about Carl until now? I feel like a bat somehow. How they fly aimlessly blind, using their sonar antenna to steer clear of any obstacles.

I notice that I might not be able to go around these obstacles; they might genuinely be in the way. The only way I can get around them is by accepting myself. I might be gay, for sure. The word GAY alone is almost too much even to consider.

Is it like a disease? I hope not. I don't want to lose friends over it.

Of all people, why does it happen to me? I just so desperately want to be normal, but I can't. I can't just brush off the thoughts I'm having about boys. Girls don't exist to me, only boys, and it is more saddening to think that this is not the way I wanted to be, but it is solely my only option. I’m not sure who I should like; Carl or Ross? My heart says Ross; my eyes tell me Carl, but my gut shouts neither, and my brain is telling me to dig a deep burrow and wallow in it.

I should go before I get any worse. I don't want to talk about this before the tears start falling and I become all miserable.

Bye, I guess,

Adam