As They Say - (Revised) - 25. Entry 33

30th May 1991:

Well, today was different. When I woke up this morning, the sun was shining so high in the sky. I knew from the get-go it was going to be gorgeous today. But that's not everything because all the gang had assembled and knocked for me.

I got goosebumps when I went to the door.

When my Mam told me my friends were there, I was surprised. The boys knocked for Ross, which I thought was cool. I feel proud; I'm not too sure if it's a little bit selfish, but this funny feeling in my chest makes me feel humble.

No, wait, where's my rubber.

I think humble means less or something like that. What I mean is it feels like I have a coating of honey flavouring my insides. Yeah, I know it's a little odd when I phrase it like that, but that's how it feels.

So, I left the boys outside, darted upstairs, and rummaged through my wardrobe for the best T-shirt and shorts I've got to my name. I wanted to look casual and cute. When we finally left the house, we all went into town, bought junk food, and travelled to the lake. It started off with nothing but lounging around, and as the sun's rays intensified, we began losing layers of clothing.

First, it was T-shirts; we had an excuse to doff our T-shirts.

It was a strange unspoken notion that we just wanted to take off all our clothes and go swimming. And well, someone did. I glanced around for Eli, and he had disappeared. I was about to ask Carl where he'd gone when Eli came running from behind the castle in his birthday suit. He sprinted past us, churned into the water, and dove headfirst into the lake.

Everyone immediately sniggered; I guess you could say I even got a chuckle. When I looked across at Ross, he wasn't laughing as much. He was just looking toward the lake at Eli. I didn't see anything other than his bare ass, but something caught me from the way Ross was looking at Eli in the water.

"What are you trying to do? Show off that shrimp dick..." Carl teased, and we all got a laughed out it.

Before we knew what, Carl started taking his shorts off, followed by his socks, then shed his underwear; he ran towards the water. I had a vague idea of where this was going and that everyone didn't care about public indecency. I felt myself suddenly becoming uncomfortable, though a spark of excitement came about. Soon, Thomas joined the boys in the water, then Conor. It was just me and Ross left on the beach, and I knew I'd have to be man enough to join my friends and persuade Ross to get in the water with us.

A twinge of excitement raced through my body, and I fully realised the repercussion I was in. Me, a gay boy on a beach with four other naked boys in the water, and Ross possibly being a fifth. The concept was a little too much for me to handle; I felt myself growing downstairs.

I tried pushing it away; I knew it would be fun to do. I'd never done anything like this before— skinny-dipping.

So, I started to kick off my shoes and attempt to get undressed. I didn't want to be the pussy of the group, so I started pulling down my shorts; I didn't exactly know where to face. I didn't want the lads to see my dick, and I didn't want Ross to see it either. I can't explain it, but I turned to the side and just dropped everything in one go, and my ass was facing towards the lads off in the water. They all hollered and whooped, which, in a sense, made me even more embarrassed considering Ross was there.

After I skinned the last of my garments, I just ran for the water as quick as I could, cupping my hands around my balls for privacy. When the water was waist-deep, the boys started to splash and annoy me. It felt different; I didn't feel as exposed. I felt like it was oddly freeing. Sure, the water was a little colder than I thought it would've been, but the main thing is I did it. I don't know what caused us to do it, but I felt mischievous all the same. The boys were more or less fucking around; I remember us getting into a discussion, whether or not water is actually wet. I found it oddly amusing, though I have no idea what brought on such a conversation.

Imagine if anybody came by; I wouldn't exactly know how to start explaining why we were all naked. When I turned to Ross, he was the last one on the beach; he just sat there on the grass staring out at us. Of course, I was hoping that he would get undressed; I would've liked to see him, and even the thought of him being naked in the water a couple of feet away from me was enough to arouse me. The coldness of the water had already sprung an erection, and frankly, knowing that four other naked boys were in the water with me made my heart pound in my chest; it felt good.

The longer Ross took to decide what he wanted to do, the more helpless it made me feel. Maybe he wasn't comfortable with the display. Eventually, Ross got up, and I thought Ross was going to start undressing, but then he began to head back toward the castle. Everyone started calling after him; nobody was calling him a wussy or anything like that.

Everybody was in high spirits; they were just saying, "Ah, come on, don’t chicken out… just get into the water.”

Though when Ross took a little longer to come back, I presumed that he went home. I wanted to get out of the water, but I felt that I couldn't get out of the water. I was naked, and all the boys were nude; I don't think anybody thought this through. For the most part, Ross was forgotten about.

Yeah, there was a couple of odd exchanges of glances after he left, as well as the silence. But everyone just carried on as if he wasn't even there. The general mood shifted; everyone just got on with their day. I have no idea why we decided to do it, but it was fun to do; I never experienced it before. Now that I think of it— that was gay. I mean, five boys sliding around in the water splashing each other, possibly rubbing up next to each other, brushing against another boy "accidentally".

After I got out of the water, I took shelter behind a tree and put back on my underwear. We just lay underneath the evening sun to dry ourselves. I felt my mind wandering, and I felt terrible for not pursuing Ross.

Around 4 o'clock, I said goodbye to the guys, threw back on my clothes, and cycled home.

The bike that I had lent Ross was gone when I left the castle, and when I got back, the bike was propped up against his grandmother's house on the outside. Ross came home, and I didn't know what to say to him. I contemplated about it all evening. It was the most awkward dinner I've ever had to sit down at; my parents kept asking if I was okay. I was unusually quiet, but I had this entire day’s outcome in my head.

I went next door after dinner. I wasn't prepared for it, but I wanted to be brave, so I ran next door. I can't keep hiding behind a protective shield... right? Sometimes it's going to get tough. But then again, I guess it would be a little nerve-racking considering you know nobody in the area, then suddenly they strip off and swim around the lake naked like it is normal. But knowing Eli's character, that's the sort of guy he is; he's just very laid back, and he's got no fucks to give.

Yeah, I should kind of crackdown on my amount of swearing. If my Mam saw what I'm writing in this book, she would disown me, maybe from the gay thing and all the cursing.

When I knocked on the door, his grandmother let me in. Mrs. O'Sullivan just welcomed me with a smile, and I grinned at her. She said that he was upstairs. So, I climbed the stairs, with my heart swelling in my chest.

Knocking on the door, Ross glumly said, "Come in."

And I did; my hands were clammy; my ears were ringing. My heart was working overtime in my chest, and I had the sudden notion that my voice would be reduced to a squawk if I spoke. I pushed open the door; Ross was sitting at a desk by the window. Ross glanced over his shoulder at me; when he saw that it was me, he closed some book he was writing in on the desk and directed his attention back out the window in front of him. I didn't know what to do with the awkward silence. I just sat on the end of his bed, and I presumed that I'd just let him talk when he was ready to speak because I didn't know how to start the interaction. Most likely, I would've just sat there in complete silence. I don't think we would've worked anything out. I felt so out of place, but thank God Ross started the conversation.

So, Ross was like, "How was the lake?"

It took me a second to answer; I wasn't exactly sure what to say. Of all the things Ross brings up, he brings up the skinny-dipping. If it was awkward for him, then it was even more uncomfortable for me. At least I was man enough to strip down and run into the water; Ross just ran away. Secondly, to think of it now, he would've seen my ass, right? I wonder what my ass looks like; is it just any old ass, or is it a fine ass?

Scratch that... back to what I was talking about.

I just said, "Yeah, it was okay.”

Then the silence came back, and we were silent for a few seconds. Ross swivelled around in the desk chair and glanced at me, sitting slumped on the edge of his bed. The room had this weird gradient to it. There was like a dull blue colour; I think that added to the effect somehow. It felt serious or something; I don't know how long Ross had been sitting at the desk, but I was given the impression that he had been sitting at the desk since he got home, and that made me feel even worse. I should've just come and got him. I wanted to ask why Ross left, and after about five minutes of awkward silence, I tried.

I asked, "Why did you leave?"

Ross sat quietly, contemplating. While I was waiting for his response, my eyes wandered around the room, looking for any form of distraction I could lock my eyes onto.

Ross piped up, “I’ve never done that before.”

It took a bit to think of what I was going to say, and then I said, "Neither had I."

And then that was it; the two of us just sat quietly again for a couple of minutes.

I then conjured up the courage to ask, "Was it because we were naked?"

Ross bowed his head. He remained unusually still and began to fiddle with the cuff of his hoodie. It was evident that Ross had something on his mind, but he didn't dare say it. After some time had transpired, Ross began to try and speak, but all that came out of his mouth was a series of broken words, then Ross stopped. He became a little embarrassed that he couldn't get the words out.

So Ross said, "Sorry I left."

I couldn't be mad. "It's okay; I just wish you told me before I decided to do it," I said.

I wanted Ross to feel comfortable around me and the boys. The last thing I want is Ross not to trust me. His mood shifted slightly after I said that; it was like he perked up or something. It's made me think that Ross is two different people when he feels like it. I couldn't figure out exactly what I had done to inject a little bit of life back into him.

Ross said, "I didn't want to ruin your fun."

To hear those words, it felt saddening. I've no idea what drew Ross to that conclusion, but he is my fun. Not in a weird, creepy, or perverse way. Ross just makes me so happy inside, and then it made me feel like crap for not following him when I heard that.

I said, "I would've been fine with just you and me hanging out."

You know what? Ross smiled at that; his beautiful smile showed, and it made my heart flutter like it had butterflies in it. Then his smile faded, and my heart sank. He sat there for a couple more moments, and I couldn't exactly get anything out of him. So, I decided to leave. I did not want to go; I felt awkward, just sitting there. I felt like he didn't want me there, but at the same time, I think Ross wanted me to stay. I should've stayed rather than coming back here to write in this stupid book.

Sigh, you're not stupid.

I hope tomorrow goes smoother than today. It was fun at first; I got horny, but when Ross left... the fun died for me. I should get to bed... long day.

Night,

Adam