As They Say - (Revised) - 28. Entry 36

My chest feels like it's about to explode right now. I'm so happy; well, happy is an understatement.

I guess I'm relieved, sigh... I'm glad that Ross and I are talking again. I don't know how I did it, but I just did.

I got up this morning, showered, put on some good clothes, and went next door. When I stopped by, Ross opened the door seconds after the rat-a-tat. He was fully dressed, and he looked radiant. It was like Ross was waiting for me to knock or something, even though I didn't plan on it at first.

I crawled out of bed subconsciously, did what I had to do while not knowing that I was meant to end up here in front of him. Ross's grandparents’ car was gone in the driveway, so it made me nervous even to contemplate that the two of us were alone.

Ross smiled and said, "I thought you didn't want to hang out with me anymore?"

I realised how selfish I might've been. I've avoided Ross for the sake of headspace. I felt horrible; I mean, why is it so hard just to tell him how I feel. He's driving me crazy— no, wild. Yeah, wild is the perfect word for the moment. Every time Ross passes by, I savour his scent, and I crave his smile. Just seeing his dimples form and his eyes sparkle makes me feel complete. I never know what to say, and I try not to look at him in case I fall off the face of the planet.

I never knew what it meant to be complete. I always sensed that everything was great for me. I have everything I could need. I have the best of friends, and I'm genuinely happy. But just seeing Ross smile makes my heart smile, but he wasn't smiling this morning.

I just stood there and began to panic because the fear of losing him was too much. So, I started to sway from side to side. I guarantee I looked a bit crazy, and if I didn't offer up an explanation, Ross surely would have thought I lost it. Because if Ross were doing it, I would've considered him demented. Though he's too cute to be crazy, so unbalanced is a different sort of crazy when it concerns Ross.

I had this feeling bubbling up in my throat. I wasn't expecting to say anything, but this overwhelming surge of happiness just took over me— with a touch of sadness. I didn't want Ross to go; I didn't want him to be mad at me. So, I blurted out— quietly to myself, more so than anything else— my feelings.

"I like you too."

I hoped that Ross didn't hear me correctly; my heart was running rampant in my chest. I felt so exposed. I don't know where it came from or why I even said it, but it just came out.

I didn't plan on saying it. From now on, if I want to say something, I should think before I should say it. I think the longer you reflect on something, though, the harder it gets to say it.

An odd silence formed between both of us. I wasn't sure if I had done well by telling him. I glanced down at the doorstep in front of me, nervous, and then Ross came closer to me.

The anticipation was unreal. I never felt anything like it before. I could see Ross's cute shoes, thin bare legs, followed by the blue shorts he was wearing and lastly, his T-shirt. Before I knew it: Ross was standing inches away from me. I, of course, was still looking down at the ground. Then Ross just reached out and wrapped his arms around me. I felt so awkward just standing there; he latched onto me. I couldn't help but stand there helplessly like a dork. I swear it looked like one of those Japanese sitcoms where a girl hugs a boy, and the boy is flattered to get the hug, but wondering if his life will ever be safe again. I think I was more than flattered.

I had no idea where to put my hands; actually, I was petrified to move. When Ross finally broke the embrace, I felt sad but relieved that it ended. A sudden thought raced through my mind, and I had the urge to sit down. I thought my legs were going to give out, so I sat down.

It was weird.

I stumbled away from the door a tad and plopped down on the brick flower bed by the entrance to regain strength. Ross, of course, never missing a beat, following my every move. He stood in front of me. It felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, as odd as it sounds. Now when I think of it, I felt like I'd gone mad and told the entire world a dirty secret. At the time, a mixture of embarrassment and jitters flooded my body uncontrollably. I have no idea why I lost the power of my legs, but I'm glad I still had the ability to walk home afterwards.

Glancing up at Ross, the weirdness had gone. He still looked as cute as ever. I was glad that we were talking again. And weirdly, I'm so happy I told him how I feel. You have no idea how freeing it feels to tell someone that you like them. I could've said more, but I don't think I'm quite ready for that yet. I don't want to say I love him because that might definitely scare him.

The way I look at it, at least Ross knows how I feel now, more or less. So both of us just gave each other questioning eyes. Then Ross set off a nuclear bomb in my mind.

Ross said, "How long have you liked me?"

With my heart palpitating in my chest, it felt like it was going to give out. I began to panic from the inside out, in fear of rejection or ridicule even. Though nothing suggested Ross had any ill intent, he has never had any hurt about him. Ross is just a sweet boy who I'm falling for. So, if I did anything right today, I hope what I said to Ross was enough to convince him that I haven’t gone completely crazy– or that I hate him.

I said, "I was nervous the first time I saw you. It was funny just walking into my kitchen, you sitting at my table. Even then, I was really shy talking to you because you're like... beautiful."

I sat on the wall and began to brood at the sensitive information I just let slip out of my mouth. I was scolding myself mentally.

Why the hell did I say that?

Ross sat down beside me, placed his elbows on the bridges of his knees and bent forward.

"You… you… think I'm beautiful?" Ross stuttered.

As if stuttering wasn't enough, I developed this churning series of butterflies. I felt like I wanted to keel over on the wall. Shortness of breath caught me off guard, and I confessed.

"You are."

The both of us sat quietly awhile, listening to the birds in the surrounding fields. The sky had cleared to a lovely deep blue, and the sun had come out. You could say the level of happiness amplified. I felt satisfied, and I think Ross felt comfortable too.

Ross's soft-sounding tone led forward the discussion. I never realised before, but Ross's voice sounds like an entire orchestra to my ears. It has all the right tonalities; it is both soft when it wants to be, alluring when Ross chooses, and harsh when my angel gets upset.

Ross said, "When I first saw you, you made me feel good. Everything with my parents has been a nightmare, and you are like the sunshine in a dark world. I thought I was angry at my mum and dad. Though you gave me something to look forward to every day. I thought this place was going to be shit."

And the both of us giggled at that, but Ross continued.

"But you went out of your way to make me feel special... or welcome. The more we talked, the more we hung out, I started to like you more than a friend. I was trying to hint that I was... I don't know... interested. That's if you were, you know… like me."

A panic set in for Ross; he confessed a vulnerable part of himself, his voice wasn't confident anymore; it was jittery and fluctuating.

"I kind of got a little disheartened when you weren't picking up on it. I tried telling myself to back off because I thought you weren't like me... or maybe you're not interested in me. I've always wanted to tell you how I feel, because you're beautiful too."

I almost choked up; his message was so sincere and honest. It felt like Ross ripped opened his chest, took his heart out, and handed it to me. I don't know, but it felt weird discussing this with him. Not that I didn't want to, of course. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine that I would talk about this with Ross. I glanced over at him, and he seemed to be contemplating. The two of us were too afraid to look at each other, but only sneaking the odd glance every once in a while.

Considering the two of us were genuinely scared to view each other, can you imagine how it would have been at that time if our eyes locked? I could just imagine utter chaos for both of us. If Ross were looking at me, I would have seized up. I don't think I would've gotten anything out of me.

So, I asked, peering down at the ground, "Ross?"

From the corner of my eye, Ross turned and looked at me, though I still kept my eyes directed at the ground. I couldn't believe what I was going to say; my heart was almost coming up my throat, but I was going to say it. I honestly wanted to say it.

"Yeah?" Ross mumbled.

With all the courage I could muster up, I asked, "Can I... hold your hand?"

It felt like I could lift a mountain or run from one side of the world to the other in a flash. It felt so good to speak those words.

Ross said, "Sure."

I could have flown, but Ross's hand tethered me to earth. We wrapped our scrawny fingers, interlocking them with each other. Still too afraid to say anything else other than hold hands, we both sat in silence. I could sense that Ross was nervous from the way his leg jiggled, and I was very fucking nervous. My hand became clammy; I also developed a boner. After some thought, I figured we'd do something with the afternoon rather than wasting it.

"Do you want to head into town and get some ice cream?" I asked.

Now, when I think of it, I kind of asked him on a date. Geez, I really do move fast, don't I? Ross agreed, which made me even happier. I think today was the best day of my life. I held Ross’s hand for a full ten minutes, then we headed into town for ice cream.

I didn't feel as awkward anymore. If anything, it felt easy.

Say… I think I'm getting the hang of this love thing. I should go to bed. I've stayed up late, but I can't sleep. I have to try, at least. If I don't, I won't be able to hang out with Ross tomorrow; I'll be too tired to do anything. It's just these crazy fireworks going off inside my chest; they don't want me to sit down and relax. It makes me want to just go crazy and dance or something.

Night… sigh,

Adam