As They Say - (Revised) - 3. Entry 4 & 5

3rd May 1991: Part 3

Okay, I know I've written more than usual today, but I thought this was quite strange. So, I have to write it before I forget. The time is 12:02 AM, technically May 4th, and my next-door neighbours are awake… They're like old and stuff.

I mean, the O' Sullivans are nice, but they are never up at this hour. I thought they were asleep already as they usually have lights out at ten o'clock. Still, it surprised me when they pulled into the driveway and made a loud ruckus while vacating their car. I would be in a rush too, and not care about making noise if the heavens were pissing down on me. The rain was like nothing I have ever seen. But that's not what got my attention.

Mrs. O’Sullivan scrambled as fast as she could from the car, then I heard the slamming of another door, followed by a third. I wasn’t listening to music, so I overheard the first thud, and I went to the window. My headphones were now around my neck. I saw Mr. O'Sullivan at the boot of the car, and he was taking cases from the luggage compartment. I had a full view of the O'Sullivans’ yard. That's when I saw a thin figure, short in height, run from the house back to the car. Mrs. O'Sullivan was at the door and her husband at the boot. I could be wrong, but the slender silhouette looked like a boy. I couldn't make out all that much detail, but I was curious about the situation.

The small blob of a person took a suitcase from the older gentleman, ran back toward the house, and then raced back out to the car. He was a little noisy, but his voice sounded youthful, to say the least. Mr. O'Sullivan was obviously trying to get him to go back to the house before they got soaking wet. They did, but I felt a little sad after all that anticipation build-up just cut off without a conclusion. No kid lived next door, so it puzzled me. Suddenly, it felt weird.

I thought it was worth mentioning; if not… sorry for wasting your precious line space and my music session. I might find out who it is tomorrow. I guess…

Goodnight for real this time. I'm going to indulge in some dirty thoughts.

Adam

***

4th May 1991: Part 1

Alright, where should I begin? It's not like I'm clueless, but it's like, wow. Okay, I have no idea what to put here. I think my handwriting is getting bad again, so that's something I have to work on.

Talk about humiliation this morning. The house sounded dead quiet when I woke up. I assumed nothing of it, so I just kinda lunged out of bed and tossed any old thing on, just anything I could find to go to the bathroom.

Basking in nothing but my cotton shorts and shirtless torso, I headed down the stairs after I had my morning pee. Descending the stairs, the more inconspicuous I grew. I was like a ninja walking on broken glass.

Ouch.

I was trying to be as careful as not to arouse suspicion or trip the alarm. I wasn't sure if Mom and Dad were awake. I did not want to cause an unhealthy shift in my weight and cause an unwarranted creaking of the finely crafted stairs beneath my bare feet. I could smell the heavenly scent of rashers and sausages lingering in the air. It drifted from the kitchen and made a temporary home within the confines of our two-story farmhouse. Safe to say, folks were up. Though the smell of food acted as bacon for me.

Natter, clanking, and gentle laughter flooded out from the ajar, kitchen door. I didn't think much into it; I mean, usually, it had always been Mam and Dad on the other side of the door, and since it was early in the morning, I didn't expect any outsiders to be there. I did not hesitate in pushing the wooden door clear and heading straight for the fridge to get my daily dosage of vitamin C and vitamin B12 or whatever you call it.

Actually, the only reason I know those vitamins is because Mam is always on about them. I have no idea what they do or what they stand for other than milk is good for bones and teeth. On the contrary, I would have hesitated if I knew who was on the far side of the kitchen door if had I stopped for a moment and eavesdropped.

I shit you not! I got about halfway across the room, heading towards the fridge when I froze. I saw my mam standing at the sink and Mrs. O'Sullivan seated at the table with a young boy from the side of my peripheral vision.

Mam didn’t waste time enhancing, furthering my embarrassment by saying, “Mornin’ handsome… Oh my, nipples. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen nipples.”

I could have died there and then… Another boy was in my house that I did not know and my mam says that!!!! The kid probably thinks I'm mollycoddled. Ugh…

To make matters worse, I was standing only half-dressed; I was really caught off guard. Mrs. O’Sullivan paid my Mam compliment as I sheepishly backed my way towards the fridge.

"He's turning into a fine young man," Mrs. O'Sullivan dryly said.

Those were her exact words, and furthermore, the kid sitting at the table had this blank, expressionless face. He appeared to be lost or deep in thought. I almost felt bad for him being there, being forced to engage in small talk with these two women.

I felt self-conscious about my appearance. It's only in the last couple of months that I have started to contemplate my feelings and how I am as a person. I mean, nothing has changed, and I don't treat anyone differently than I have since I realized it. Still, some scary details had surfaced on the storm front. I don't think I want to share with anyone else—the possibility of me liking boys. I mean, I have an attraction to boys. Girls were hot, but something about boys is just like, I don't know… Special.

If I am truly gay, then this would not be the start, nor the impression I would want to make if the other boy was genuinely gay.

Did I just say I'm GAY?????? God, I'm pathetic. I'm GAY… I try to like girls. It's not my fault. I try to like them more and more, day by day, but it doesn't matter how hard I fight. Every time, when I see a boy, something different arises. It's something more than girls just being hot. Sure, I have had thoughts about some of my friends and other guys from school and kinda gave in to temptation and jerked off.

Why can't I fix myself? I don't want to be this way; I just want to be normal.

It kills me to hear my friends talking about girls and how hot they think they are when all along I'm secretly looking at the finer details on them. How their eyelashes flutter, or the way they smile, and their athletic bodies.

Anyway, back on to the topic at hand, the boy stayed quiet. I did, too, as I poured a glass of milk.

Mam tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Adam, where're your manners?" while giving me a disapproving look. I knew that she wanted me to say something to the boy. I guess that's why he was there. Mrs. O'Sullivan; maybe his grandmother had brought him. I mean, Mrs. O'Sullivan stopped by with the hopes that he and I could become friends. I didn't even know the kid's name, but oh boy. He was handsome.

He looked like he had just recently showered, and his short chestnut hair was trimmed neatly. His marble emerald eyes made my chest feel a little tight, and I sighed with content. In all the ways I could introduce myself, I made a fuckery at that because the adults did not try to introduce us. They just sort of went back to talking about what they were discussing beforehand. The boy kept sneaking glances at me. I'm not sure if he was looking at my chest or if he was waiting for me to say something.

But I did, and it sounded like, "Hey… I'm Adam. I don't know your name."

In doing so, I just extended my arm for a handshake, feeling my confidence dwindle a little.

I felt some relief when he said, "Ross."

I almost had trouble hearing him; his voice was so petite. Ross's name was kinda cute; I was not expecting his name to be something… well, like ROSS. I was expecting something a little more familiar, like my name.

After I shook hands with the boy, we had a couple of awkward one-liners when his granny said they had to go into town. The adults suggested the two of us hang out later on, and that I'd show him around town. I was nervous at the prospect, but come to think of it, I just stood through an entire session with a stranger, topless—a CUTIE at that. I guess I could theoretically face anything if I could do this.

We made arrangements to meet around 2 PM when they came back. I couldn't say I'd actually keep to my word, but it made me rather curious to get to know Ross. He was, after all, cute… Ugh… (STOP SAYING CUTE, ADAM… HE'S A BOY. GOD, HOW AM I GOING TO LIVE LIKE THIS?)

I guess I should just end this here before it gets gayer.

Adam