As They Say - (Revised) - 46. Entry 60

1st July 1991:

It's pretty late. I'm only home from Tralee now. The evening dragged out longer than I had initially thought it would. Except, Thomas's parents insisted that they treat us to the amusements and dinner. So, it's after 11 o'clock now. I'm in for the night. Not that I want to go out, though; I just looked at myself in the mirror, and my eyes are bloodshot. The black circles underneath my eyeballs, well… they don't compliment how my brain feels at that moment.

I could sleep for a week. I have no idea where the tiredness came from; still, this morning, I guess was the earliest I have gotten up in a while.

On another note, you did not hear me say this, however, the evening was pretty cool. I didn't think I'd want to watch the vintage cars scrap around in a field, but hey… it was awesome. Plainly watching the vehicles struggle in some instances get through a muddy track and race against another car, it was exhilarating. I have no idea why exactly; it merely felt that way.

When I woke up early today, I tiredly threw on my clothes. I guess I was a little worn out at this point. I didn't want to disappoint Thomas, because I think he asked me out on a date.

Should I even consider this an appointment for love?

How am I just accepting this without actually speaking up? It's merely happening without me having to do anything at all.

Autopilot much?

Like Thomas said, his father picked me up shortly before 8:30, and we drove to Tralee. It wasn't a long drive; it's only about 40 minutes in a car. Being in the back seat with Thomas made me feel unusual somehow. Anytime I glanced over at Thomas, who kept trying to initiate a conversation with me, I was forced to pull my attention from the world flying by outside my window. I turned to Thomas to talk; the sun from outside the car flooded his window. As odd as it sounds for me to write it in here... it made him look CUTE. Yes, Thomas happened to be cute. It appeared he wore his best clothes and shit. Yeah, he was trying hard. I actually considered what it would be like to date Thomas.

Forget what I said. I did not just drop the C word on Thomas. Anyway, what's wrong with me?

I've never felt like this for him before, so why I am changing now?

I have to keep my head on straight. Ross is the only guy that's cutesy. Urgh… forget it; I'm just all weird now.

Alright, I can't beat around the bush anymore. I confess, please don't be annoyed at me. Yeah, I'm losing my marbles. I'm not sure if I understand correctly how asking a book not to be annoyed at me classifies me as being sane...

I'll be back in a minute; I need to get some tissue…

I'm not going to waste ink scribbling out that last sentence; I have spent the last five minutes or so crying because it's frustrating. I'm not upset. It's just... I don't know what to say. Thomas was in a weird way appealing to me today. I was trying to resist his advances because I know he's not the right person for me. Even if Thomas was, I don't think I could handle Thomas. He's just too much of a goodie-goodie kind of person. Not that that is bad or anything— only he's soft, and I'm unsure how he handles rejection. I don't want to be the one to hurt his feelings.

Inevitably, I did just that. Well, at least I think I did…

As I said, I was in the car with Thomas, and he's all talkative about the big event. Me, on the other hand, I'm just trying to make it through another blunder I've made. I know it's terrible when I put it this way. However, the long-term effects are not going to be pretty because I probably was a little bit harsher than I meant to be today.

Thomas was glancing across at me in the back of the car.

Thomas animatedly said, "You're going to like it... really. That's why I asked you."

And all I could do was just nod and pretend I was interested. I know it sounds terrible now, but I was impressed when I relaxed and enjoyed the experience. Logically, when I think about it, I'm an asshole. I have no idea why I don't just give Thomas a fair chance in the first place, but that still doesn't deter me from the real source of the problem.

Once we arrived, Thomas was enthusiastic. I had to run to keep up with him. I haven't had to do that in a long time— mainly with my little cousins. I was still thinking of what I could've done with Ross for the day rather than being with Thomas. Why does Ross have to be present in everything I want to do? Except, it only seemed like a reasonable excuse to escape at the time.

I take it back because not long after I had that thought, we arrived at a barrier, looked into a field, and watched cars rough it through the mud. All along, anytime I seemed to look over at Thomas, he was just smiling back at me.

It was almost as if he was waiting for me to say, "Yeah, it's cool."

Such things, however, were not said; I merely stored the information and secretly enjoyed it myself. I often glanced across at Thomas and gave him a nod that I was enjoying it. I didn't want to prolong the odd interactions or make my situation any worse, so I thought the best thing I could do was to remain quiet. However, it didn't work because Thomas tried extra harder to get me to loosen up. He took me from the barrier and persuaded me that he wanted to buy me some food and some drinks, followed by ice cream. Whatever I wanted. True to my word, that's what Thomas said.

Thomas said, "You can have anything you want; I'll buy it."

And anytime I tried to shoot down the idea, Thomas only came back with another enthusiastic response. So, I finally had to give in to him because he wasn't taking no for an answer, and he wouldn't allow me to pay for anything.

On the way home in the car, I was contemplating whether to tell him or not. I mean, if it gets any worse, I'll have to contend with this for the rest of my life. And considering we live in a small town, I will see Thomas probably for the next 5 to 10 years, if all goes well. I might be out by five at min. That sounds harsh when I write it in here with everything else, but just between you and me, I don't plan on living here all my life. There is more to the world than just Kerry, right?

So, when we reached home and got out of the car, Thomas waited intentionally for his parents to disappear indoors. I knew it was coming; he was going to ask me if I want to stay for the night. I had already made up my mind.

I was most definitely not.

I had to learn to say no, and for the first time, I said no to Thomas. Do you know what? It feels horrible.

I hope I'm never put in this predicament again, but I feel like I've crushed his dreams or something.

So, Thomas was like, "So, you staying tonight?"

I just stood there trying to force the words out of my mouth. I was secretly trying to bite my tongue; I didn’t want to say anything that would destroy Thomas irreparably. I have no idea if I would have that effect on him. Still, nonetheless, I didn't want anything like that to happen. So, I just felt like I was on the verge of crying, except I held back instead.

I just said, "Eh… Thomas… I think I should go home."

There was a moment of silence, and then Thomas just asked, “Why? Did I do something wrong?”

I felt terrible at the moment, hearing how he thought he'd done something that made me not want to stay. Maybe Thomas was trying to guilt-trip me, either one or the other, but regardless, it worked.

So, I'm like, "Thomas. I know you like me."

I took a moment to take a breather, unsure of what to say. Then said, "I think we should stay friends, I em… I don't like you that way."

I know it probably sounded a lot harsher than I intended it to be, but at least he knows the truth, and I'm not leisurely trying to mislead him. Though, to be honest, I was nervous saying it to him. My voice cracked in the middle of the process. I can't believe I did it today, but I did. I did. I got it out in the open.

I would've thought I'd have been proud to say what was really on my mind, although all it had done was cause me more agony than it had been worth. I'm responsible for probably crushing Thomas's dream of ever wanting to like me that way. I guess it's better than leading him down the path any further where he can get his heart ripped out.

After I had said that, Thomas dropped his head and contemplated for a moment in the driveway. He seemed embarrassed, and he wasn't the only one because I was too. Silence. Off in a field, a sheep ba-ad and it brought some weird grin upon our faces. Yet, as quickly as the moment arose, it subsided.

Thomas plainly looked up at me in a glum manner and spoke, "I understand."

We stood silently then I pointed toward the gate.

“I should go, night,” I said.

I went to turn, starting on my way down the driveway.

“Wait!” Thomas called out.

I turned back, looking at him. It made my heart sink.

“I’ll get my dad to drive you,” Thomas added.

There was a second silence, then Thomas asked, “You won’t tell anyone, will you?”

I gazed at him, locking eyes then offered a smirk, “Nobody… On my life,” I added.

That seemed to make him feel better, and with that Thomas ran inside and talk his father that I wanted to go home. I hugged Thomas, to say I was sorry. Then his dad came out, the man was obliging and he eventually got back in his car, and Thomas waved from the driveway.

It wasn't the tangible response I was hoping for. Thomas didn't even protest. I hope he understands. To me, that is worse than genuinely having him protest; at least if he did it, it would've been some distraction, but no, Thomas glumly accepted fate. To me, that's even sadder.

Moreover, it's painful— all the cosying up he’s been trying to do the last couple of days to me. I’m not sure which is worse, the fact that he liked me, or that he has some understanding that I’m as gay as a nugget. Or the fact that I hugged him before I left to try and say I’m sorry. Hmm. It’s a lot tougher than I thought it was going to be.

It was nice that he still cared about me after I rejected him; perhaps someday I might feel different about it, but now, I’m not sure. Thomas asked his dad to drive me home. Now, I'm alone in my bedroom, and I will ponder my life choices for the remainder of the night and wonder if I did the right thing.

I should be off the bed; I have some other stuff to do before hitting the hay.

Night,

Adam