The Cockney Canuck - 29. Chapter 29 The Bus Stop

Thursday came around a little quicker due to the shortened school week and as soon as my extra math class had finished, I hurried to the bus stop as if my life depended on it. When I crossed the road, however, he wasn’t there and my heart sank. I knew that he was often late getting out of drama and there were a couple of times when his dad had picked him up to go somewhere special, but after our chat in the library the week before, I had expected him to be there. I was sure that he would want to talk or at least demand an explanation from me and I was prepared with a number of well-rehearsed apologies. I think that I owed him that much, at least.

I strained my eyes in the soft afternoon sunlight towards the main entrance of the school across a nearly empty car park, but the doors were closed and soon they would be locked. I had seen him a few times during the week, in the cafeteria surrounded by his usual posy, so I knew that he wasn’t off sick, but he was never this late either. I had been so certain that he would be there that day and now I started to wonder if maybe he was choosing to avoid me.

‘I should’ve called him on Daniel’s phone when I had the chance. He must think that I’m a real jerk for not talking to him and I don’t blame him’.

I had purposely steered clear of him during the week, not wanting chat in school for fear of being overheard. I was also conscious of being seen too much in his company, and scared that people would start to draw the right conclusions. I had sailed pretty close to the wind when I walked out of the cafeteria with him and as exciting as that episode was, I also knew that I wouldn’t be able to get away with that too often without being labelled a suspect.

Those were my own rules, devised to avoid detection and they had always seemed reasonably straightforward. The golden rule was not to be seen in public with anyone who was known or thought to be gay. I didn’t think that it would be a particularly difficult thing to do, and I had never had any problems in the past, but that was before Nathan. It suddenly dawned on me that he was the first real gay person that I had ever even met. I had heard rumours about a few kids at my old school, but I didn’t really associate with them, there was never any need.

Nathan was different, from the very beginning there had been a definite need for me to get to know this boy and lately he had become almost an obsession. He was my first gay friend and if I hadn't of panicked that day outside the library, then he may well have become much more than that. He had made it clear that he liked me and wanted to meet up outside of school, on our own. The thought of what could have been, brought mixed emotions, and added fuel to a conflict that was already raging inside of me. Logically, I knew that if I could stick to the rules and keep away from him, then my life would be easier. It made perfect sense; Fran offered me everything that I needed and it was even possible for me to look at her almost as compensation for the harsh times that I had endured in recent years. I deserved to have someone like her to love and look after me, to cheer me up when I got down and keep me on the straight and narrow. That was how Don and Sue saw her and to them, she had been a godsend. It’s no wonder they were prepared to ignore the fact that we were obviously having sex. It was just another way of keeping me happy I suppose and they would have noticed a marked improvement in my moods and my grades, since she had been on the scene.

On her part, Fran had been very mature and sensible about the whole thing, which impressed Don and Sue and she had talked openly to Sue during the week when she had asked her about contraception. It was straight after dinner and I nearly died of embarrassment, leaving the table super quick with Daniel in tow, as Fran discussed the pros and cons of the birth control pill with my aunt and Nicola. Sue’s biggest fear always seemed to be the possibility of an unwanted pregnancy, she wasn’t quite ready for grandchildren and I did not intend to provide her with any either.

That night, Don and Sue allowed us to catch up with some homework in the study again, although this time, now that we were sexually active, Sue made a point of leaving the door half-open. She popped her head in to let us know that they were going up to bed and to tell Fran not to leave it too late to call a cab. Then, as soon as they were upstairs, Fran shut the door and asked me to read aloud my English essay, which we had just completed. As I read from the computer monitor, Fran sat next to me, casually opened the front of my pants and reached into my briefs. It was an unexpected, but welcome turn of events and I stopped to lean back in the chair, giving her some more room to work with. She told me to keep on reading as she leaned over and took me into her mouth, but I found it difficult to keep my concentration and after a while, I gave up altogether. It wasn’t long before Fran managed to pull another orgasm out of me, sensibly moving out of the firing line, before pumping me furiously with her fist, until I squirted over the front of my t-shirt.

This kind of fun was starting to become very easy for me, especially when I didn’t have to do anything in return and Fran was always ready and willing to please. It didn’t seem to bother her all that much either, that I didn’t reciprocate and she clearly enjoyed playing with my penis, almost as much as I enjoyed watching her do it. I was getting used to seeing her olive skinned hand wrapped around it or her soft dark lips sliding over my glans. I couldn’t believe my luck, I had somebody who was not only prepared to come over and do most of my homework for me, but afterwards she would throw in a hand job or blowjob even. After that day, homework with Fran was never a chore, she made it fun and I looked forward to each assignment with renewed verve. The fact that she was a girl didn’t really make any difference, it wasn’t about her, it was all about pleasing me. I got an “A” for that essay and a lot of praise from Mrs Reigor, which would eventually filter down to Don, via the Principal Mr Andrews. Schoolwork, I surmised was all about motivation and Fran was able to bring plenty of that to the table. In return, I promised myself that the first opportunity we had, I would do the unthinkable and please Fran in a way that she had never been pleased before. I wanted to pay her back by giving her the best orgasm ever and I had been told that this was the best way of doing it.

I should have been the happiest boy in Cobourg and I think that I would have been if it weren’t for Nathan and it didn’t make any sense at all. There wasn’t any real need for us to be friends, we didn’t share any classes and we weren’t even in the same year. He was a well-known gay boy, not only at Stephenson, but also across the whole town. It was an image that he was somewhat proud of and one that he had personally cultivated. I was well aware that if I were to become involved with him, then I would be putting myself in real danger of being discovered and outed. I risked the whole of Cobourg finding out about me, Don and Sue included. The consequences of something like this happening would be life changing for me, yet still I found it impossible to get him out of my head.

Since we had talked properly for the first time in the library, I had thought about him every single day, replaying our conversation over in my head repeatedly. As dangerous as he was to me, I also had to admit to myself that I was infatuated with him and it went way beyond anything that I had ever experienced before. I knew that I needed to talk to him, to put things right between us, but I had no idea where it would lead, or if he would even want to listen.

I was woken from my daydream by the sight of someone walking out of the school and I felt a mini rush of excitement through my body, when it looked as if it could be him. Whoever it was however went straight over to one of the few remaining cars in the car park and drove away. I gave up and moved to lean against the male model wearing the Calvin Kleins in an advert at the back of the shelter; it was my usual place and my usual stance.

‘Why am I so upset about this, I hardly even know this kid and yet I’m getting all worked up because he’s not at the bus stop. It’s not as if I arranged to meet him here or anything’.

I couldn’t work out why this was so important to me all of a sudden. I was only going to apologise to him but it felt as if he had stood me up and I couldn’t help being upset by it. I had handled the whole episode very poorly and now as usual I was going to regret it. I stood up straight to have one final peek towards the school as I saw the main doors open and shut, but they were only being locked. I was watching the security guard when something covered my eyes. I felt someone’s hands across my face, fingers resting gently against my eyelids.

“Guess who?”

‘Nathan’!

My heart jumped in excitement as I reached up and grabbed hold of his hands before he could pull them away, his palms were soft and warm and I held them in front of me while turning my head to the side to look at him. He could have easily pulled away from me if he had wanted to and I was surprised when he didn’t. Instead, he peered out from behind me to meet me half way with a gorgeous smile and a cute pair of dimples that instantly turned my day upside down. My mood switched from sorrow and gloomy to elation within a blink of an eye, even the pretty boy model wearing the Calvin Kleins now looked as if he was smiling and who could blame him in the presence of such overwhelming beauty. I was excited to see him again after seven whole days deprived of his company and relieved to see that he wasn’t mad at me either, for running out on him. His gorgeous face was gleaming and he had the most wonderful, natural smile that was meant entirely for me, as if he were genuinely excited to see me. His face was only inches away from mine, we had never been that close before and he looked as if he wanted to get even closer. I could smell his scent, clean and fresh even after a day at school and I breathed it in, filling my nostrils and lungs with his intoxicating aroma. It made me dizzy and I wanted to move closer, as he stood his ground, as if daring me to do just that.

“If someone sees us holding hands like this then they're definitely gonna think that I’m gay,” he said.

‘Shit I’m still holding his hands’.

I hadn't even noticed, so utterly overwhelmed I had been by his presence in such close proximity. I let go of his hands and expected him to take a step backwards to put some distance between us, but he stayed his ground keeping unnaturally close, even as I turned to face him.

“What do mean, they’ll think that you're gay?” I said, as I thought about his last comment.

He laughed and poked his tongue out at me, as if he were trying to lick the end of my nose. I could smell mints on his breath and he was so close that I thought for a moment that he was going to kiss me or try to put his tongue in my mouth. I was almost begging him to do both as I stared at his mouth, drooling.

‘How did he sneak up on me like that without me noticing and where had he been all this time? Why isn’t he pissed off with me? Has he forgotten about last week when I flirted with him and then ran away to have sex with Fran’?

“Where have you been?” I asked, “I’ve been waiting for you.”

“Did you miss me?” he said.

“I just wondered where you were, that’s all,” I said.

“You missed me, I know.” He laughed. “Would you like to suck on a mint?”

I nearly choked. “What did you just say?”

“I asked you if you would like to suck on a mint,” he held one between his clenched teeth to show me, before sucking it back into his mouth provocatively. “What did you think I said?”

“It doesn't matter, whatever you’ve got, I’m happy to suck on it,” I said and his eyes opened wide.

“Okay,” he replied in a slow sensual voice. “I’ll bear that in mind, sexy.” He reached into his pocket and took out a packet of mints. “Do you want me to put it in your mouth for you, as well?”

“Oh yes please,” I said, “all the way.”

“I’ll try, but it’s quite big.”

“The bigger the better,” I said.

“Okay then, close your eyes and open wide,” he said and I could hear him giggling as I followed his instructions. I felt his fingers on my tongue as he placed the mint gently on top of it. Then I closed my mouth before he had the chance to pull his hand away trapping his index finger between my lips. I was expecting him to pull his hand away but he kept it there, his finger halfway into my gob and I began to suck on it gently.

“Oh my god," he said as he covered his mouth with his free hand and rolled his eyes back in a mixed expression of ecstasy and surprise. He was blushing and clearly excited, as he slowly withdrew his finger from my mouth, squeezing his legs together as if trying to suppress a hard-on and then holding onto my shoulder for support. I don’t know why I did that, it was just a spur of the moment reaction, I suppose. Having his fingers in my mouth, was simply too good an opportunity to pass up.

“Did we just have sex?” he said, as he wiped his finger on his pants and stared into my eyes with fervour.

“Almost,” I replied. For me it was certainly the most erotic experience that I had ever had outside of sex and judging by his reaction, Nathan got a big thrill out of it too. I was getting hard and had to act quickly to avoid an unsightly tent by reaching down into the front of my pants to make room for it.

“That was hot,” I said.

“It should be, they're extra strong,” said Nathan, as he finally took a step backwards and giggled at the sight of my hand down the front of my pants. “Robbie, do you mind not doing that when we’re talking?”

“Sorry,” I said, removing my hand, “I was just…”

“I don’t wanna know what you were doing down there,” he said in mocked disgust. There was an uncomfortable silence as our eyes met and locked for much longer than was usually acceptable for two boys.

“These are seriously strong.” I was fanning my mouth with my hand and trying to keep the conversation going.

“I know,” he said, “and you can suck on them for ages, before swallowing.”

I think my mouth fell open when he said that.

“What?” he said with a cheeky grin.

“I didn’t say anything,” I said as I crunched and swallowed my mint.

“It’s not my fault that you have a dirty mind,” he said. “Do you want another one?”

“But I’ve only just finished.”

“Well you shouldn’t have finished so quickly then, it’s better if you take your time and suck real slowly.” He licked his lips provocatively and narrowed his eyes at me in a seductive way. I was certain that I had never seen a more sexually inviting expression on anybody before. “Sometimes I like to have two in my mouth at the same time…are you okay?”

“Huh.”

“You're staring,” he said smiling at me.

“I am, oh yes, sorry; I guess I am, I mean I’m ready for another one.”

“Cool, but this time you're gonna have to put it into your mouth yourself.”

“Sorry about your finger,” I said. “I don’t know what came over me.” I didn’t actually mean that as a double entendre, but Nathan thought that I did and started smirking.

“Well don’t be,” he said, “I enjoyed it dude, probably a little too much. You're lucky I didn’t drag you off to the nearest motel and rip all your clothes off.”

“It’s not too late,” I said smiling.

“You’ll have to marry me first,” he said and laughed.

“Don’t you think we should get to know each other a little better before getting married?”

“Maybe we could put if off until tomorrow then.”

“Maybe,” I said. Our eyes met for another uncomfortable silence.

“So how was your weekend?” I was pleased to hear him break the silence but it wasn’t a subject that I particularly wanted to discuss with him.

“Oh it went okay; it’s really beautiful up there.”

“Yeah, I know,” he said. “Did Fran enjoy it?” I knew that he was deliberately fishing for information about her and I wished that I were able to provide some for him but the truth was I didn’t really know myself. I decided that it couldn’t wait any longer; I needed to try to explain about the previous Thursday.

“Nathan, I’m really sorry about last week I…”

“Don’t,” he cut me off, “You don’t have to be sorry; I should’ve known better than to lead you on like that, it’s my fault.”

“No it’s not,” I said, “I’m the one who ran off…it was stupid of me.”

“You're not stupid, Robbie. You're just confused that’s all, I know what that’s like you know, I spent the best part of two years confused and doubting myself, feeling sorry for myself.”

“You had doubts?” It just didn’t seem like him, to be unsure about anything, he always gave the impression of being happy with who he was and supremely confident.

“Of course I had doubts,” he said, “its scary when you realise that you're different from everyone else.”

“You just seem so together now,” I said, “how did you do it?”

“I came to terms with who I was,” he said. “Look, everyone’s different and I don’t know how you feel, but it’s okay to be confused and it’s okay to like someone of the same sex, it doesn't necessarily mean that you're gay. I know that a lot of boys our age have a gay side to them and a lot of them have probably jerked off thinking about another boy at some stage, but hardly any of them will admit to it.”

I knew that everything he was saying was true, but I also knew that this wasn’t just a phase that I was going through either.

‘Why don’t I just tell him how I feel’?

“I really do like you Nathan, and it’s not easy for me to say this, but I like you in a way that frightens me, if that makes any sense. I guess you're right I am confused.” It took a lot of courage to do, but I had admitted that I fancied him and that was a big deal for me. My eyes searched for somewhere safe to look, not wanting to see his reaction.

‘Why can’t I just tell him that I fancy the bleeding pants off him’?

He waited patiently until my eyes joined his again and when they did, he gave me a sweet reassuring smile.

“It makes perfect sense,” he said, “and you know what. I think that it’s really cool of you to admit that. It says a lot about you Robbie, most boys would rather die than admit that they like another boy. It makes you a special person; you're not like the rest.” I could feel my cheeks burning but I didn’t take my eyes off him, I couldn’t stop thinking how perfect this kid was and how grown up he could sound, when he wanted. He was younger than I was, yet he seemed to be so knowledgeable and much more mature. “You shouldn’t be frightened of your feelings though. Is that why you had to walk away last week, were you frightened?”

“Terrified,” I said, “but I don’t know why.”

“Do you want to talk about it; maybe I can help you understand?”

“Thanks,” I said, “but I think that I just need some time to work things out on my own, oh and here’s your bus, anyway.”

Nathan moved towards the kerbside where the bus would stop and looked over at me, and for once, he wasn’t smiling.

“I like hanging out with you Robbie; we can still be friends whatever, that’s allowed you know.”

That at least, I was now sure about, Nathan was far too precious to pass up entirely and it felt as if I desperately needed him in my life, in some kind of capacity. I was prepared to make amendments to my own rules and it wouldn’t matter what anybody said anymore, we were going to be friends. Everyone else could like it, or lump it and almost as if he was able to read my mind, he repaid my loyalty straight away.

“It’s okay dude, I’ll let this one go,” he said and stood back as the bus made its obligatory stop, before driving off again.

“Nathan, you just missed your bus mate,” I said.

He shrugged his shoulders at me. “So there’ll be another, it’s no big deal.”

“Thanks,” I said, “for being my mate, you're the coolest friend that I’ve had in a long time.”

He smiled at me again, looked around to make sure that we were still on our own and then took a step closer resting his hands on my forearms and staring into my eyes.

“If you wanted to, we could be more than friends, you know that, don’t you,” he said. My eyes never left his, as if held in some kind of hypnotic spell. I wanted to say something, but I couldn’t. I wanted to put my arms around him, pull his sexy body in close to me and kiss those ripe lips that had teased me since the day that we met, but I couldn’t do that either.

‘He’s just made a pass at me, he really likes me, I think he wants to kiss me. I definitely want to kiss him’.

“I know that it’s not fair of me, to put even more pressure on you dude, but I needed you to know that, okay.”

“Okay,” I mumbled back to him, he let go of my arms, and stood back just as two teenage girls joined us at the bus stop. I glanced over at them, certain that they would say something, but they were much older than we were and thankfully, they didn’t recognise me. Nathan completely ignored them and made no qualms about the fact that he obviously found me more interesting to look at. I moved my eyes back to him and smiled, whilst trying to think of something to say that would let him know that I understood and was definitely still interested.

‘Am I interested, is this what I want? How could I not be interested, he’s gorgeous, sexy and adorable? I would give anything in the world to be his partner and to be allowed to kiss him and touch him and he’s as good as told me that he wants that too. He looks so up for it’.

“I’m sorry dude, I didn’t mean to scare you,” he said. “Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Scare me, no it’s not like you scared me or anything,” I said, “I’m just blown away by what you said, that’s all. I want the same thing, believe me, I really do, but I don’t know if I can do that yet. I’m not scared by you; I’m scared by everyone else.”

“Its okay dude, I understand,” he said, “its not easy.”

I had been trying to whisper but it was difficult for me to do and I wasn’t sure if the girls had overheard us. When I glanced over at them, they both looked away quickly and began whispering. It was obvious that they were talking about us and it crossed my mind that they probably knew who Nathan was. I didn’t like their reaction and it didn’t bode all that well for the future, if indeed this was going to be my future. I had so many conflicting thoughts running through my head at the time and so many emotions coursing through my veins, which I could no longer think or act in a reasonable way. I was suffering from some kind of emotional overload and found it difficult to string a sentence together.

“Are you okay, dude? You look as if you're about to pass out.”

“Yeah I’m okay,” I said, “I’m just a little, I don’t know…confused probably.”

“Its cool, really it is. I mean it’s not as if I have a line of guys waiting to date me or anything. I’ll still be here if you change your mind.”

“Why not, you're really cute and any boy…” I stopped when I realised that I had said that way too loud and glanced over at the girls who were smiling at us. I quickly looked away to focus back on Nathan, whispering to him and telling him about the girls who were watching us.

He laughed at my insecurity “You’ll get used to that,” he said and that really scared me.

‘I don’t have to get used to that at all. Not if I’m straight’.

“Can I put my number into your phone?” I asked.

“Oh that’s a novel way of saying it.”

I giggled and looked away from him nervously. “So that I can call you,” I said, “I tried earlier this week but you didn’t answer.”

“Really, oh I’m sorry dude, I don’t pick up unless I know the number. I get a lot of creepy calls.”

“Well I can’t promise to be any better, but if I call you now, then you can at least save my number and maybe we could talk on the phone sometime, like when you're free or something. That is if you don’t mind, you don’t have to.”

“Robbie, stop being so paranoid dude, I would love you to call me, it’s not a problem.”

“Oh, thanks.” Then as I took out my phone to dial Nathan’s number, he started giggling.

“Dude, how can you seriously stand there and pretend not to be gay when you have a phone like that. I mean that phone is so gay Robbie.”

“It’s Nicola’s old phone it’s not gay,” I said, but I still couldn’t help laughing with him and the two girls behind us were also giggling at this.

“Oh, you don’t think so,” said Nathan. He took the phone, turned around and held it up to show the girls. “Excuse me ladies, but do you think that this phone is gay?” They both agreed that it was and laughed. “You're outvoted dude, but honestly I think that it’s really cool that you’ve got a pink phone.”

I laughed with him but I couldn’t help feeling a little exposed by the way that I was so quickly outed to two strangers just by talking to Nathan. It was like a warning shot across the bows to me and it shocked me. I thought about non-stop for the entire journey home.

‘I like that boy so much, that it hurts me to leave him, but if I allowed anything to happen between us, I’m out, it’s as simple as that. It would be impossible to keep the lid on it with Nathan as my boyfriend’.

I would have to make a final decision and stick to it. I didn’t think that any boy would ever be worth outing myself for, not at my age, with two and a half years of high school still to get through. I never expected to be in this position.

It’s not fair, why couldn’t this wait until I was eighteen? I’m not ready to come out yet, not even nearly ready. Why is he so bloody irresistible?

As much as I cursed him for coming into my life so soon there was something about the thought of Nathan as my boyfriend that appealed to me. It struck a chord, made me go all jittery and weak at the knees. I had to admit that this boy had succeeded in sweeping me off my feet and for the first time ever, I actually understood the meaning of that saying and it was so apt. He had told me that I was special and that was how he made me feel when I was in his company. He seemed to have this quality or gift, which made me feel almost super human when I was with him. There was something very special about him too, something that had been pulling me in, like a magnet, from the first time that we met at that very bus stop and I would have married him for real, if it were possible, at the drop of a hat, but I didn’t have the guts to tell him that.

I was sure that Nathan had put some kind of spell on me, because I couldn’t get him off my mind. All that evening I pondered what he had said and it kept me awake for most of the night too. I realised that he had become the single most important person in my life. I was tempted to call him, but that would be silly so soon after seeing him and I wouldn’t know what to say. When my phone did ring, I found myself lunging for it and grabbing it as if it the whole of civilisation depended on that call. For some reason I had expected it to be him and I was disappointed to see Fran’s name on the display instead. In fact, I very nearly didn’t answer it and I felt guilty once I started talking to her. She had called to ask me over to her place on Saturday to study, well that was the official line that went out to her parents. In reality, what we would be doing is hanging around and making a noise like it. Then the first opportunity we got to be alone Fran would inevitably make a dive for my pants and pop it into her mouth as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

“If you get here early enough, we’ll probably get some alone time during the day and then I’m gonna give you a surprise.”

“You are what is it?”

“It’s a surprise,” she said, “but I know you’ll like it.”

“I hate surprises; can’t you just give me a clue?”

“Okay,” she said, “what would be the most erotic thing that I could do for you?”

‘Bring Nathan along’.