The Cockney Canuck - 35. Chapter 35 Subtitles

When I was ready to leave at seven-thirty, Nathan was still there, and not looking as if he was about to go any time soon. Each time he had feigned an attempt to leave, it was met with stiff resistance from Daniel, who then persuaded him to stay a little longer. Nathan didn’t seem overly concerned about this and I got the impression that he was keen to stay for as long as possible. I had been listening to their banter from the safety of the bedroom and I was surprised by how close they were, when they were on their own. It was clearly a friendship that both boys had missed in recent months and they were making the most of the opportunity to hang out, without being judged by their peers. At school, they were rarely seen together and when they were, it was never like this.

I had never seen Daniel as happy as he was that day or as comfortable in someone’s company as he was with Nathan. It contrasted sharply with the way that he behaved when Doug and Billy visited, but his new buddies weren’t exactly blessed with personality and were nowhere near as good looking as Nathan was. I hadn't thought that Daniel was that interested in Nathan’s looks up until then, but seeing the pair of them frolicking around in the basement that day, got me thinking.

I wasn’t looking forward to seeing Fran, but at least it offered an excuse to escape the monotonous, electronic tones and sound effects of a game that they had been playing almost non-sop for five hours. It seemed to get louder as the day went on, matched by the rambunctious noise of the two high-spirited boys. They had been battling each other, for supremacy, both on screen and off, making me hot and jealous.

Earlier I had jerked off in the shower thinking of Nathan, there was simply no way that I was ever going to be able to make it through a whole day with him in such close proximity, without jerking off at least once and it helped to calm my nerves, ahead of my date with Fran.

When I walked through the family room with only a bath towel around my waist, Nathan's eyes nearly popped out of his head. The game was already on pause and they were sitting cross-legged on the floor, eating sandwiches that Sue had made for them and chatting quietly. It was a rare moment of calm in what had been a surreal and chaotic afternoon and at the centre of it all, as always was Nathan. He looked and acted as if he was a part of the family and this role seemed to suit him much more than it did me. I may have been related, but Nathan looked more at home, than I had ever been in that house. Even Nicola had given him a warm welcome, when she returned from her school trip to Montreal. She asked him how he had been and even waited to hear his reply, before getting me to carry her ridiculously heavy bag, upstairs for her. She berated me as I dragged it into her room and dumped it at the foot of her bed.

“Would it have hurt you to carry it?”

“Would it have hurt you?” I replied. She ignored my answer and changed the subject to let me know, that she had heard, that I had agreed to the adoption. Sue must have told her, the moment that she got back.

‘News travels fast in this house’.

“Does it bother you?” I asked her.

“I don’t have any say in it,” she said, standing in the doorway and blocking my exit. I didn’t like being in her room, it was my least favourite place in the house.

“I guess it does then,” I said and I tried to squeeze past her, to go back downstairs, but she moved over to stop me. “I brought your bag up for you, can I go now?”

“I don’t hate you Robbie,” she said, “You might think that I do, but I don’t.”

“Yeah right.”

“If you're gonna be my permanent brother, then I want things to be more equal between us and I’m gonna talk to mom and dad about it.”

“I don’t care,” I said, “I don’t make the rules in this house.”

“And you don’t follow them either.”

“Whatever.” I really wasn’t in the mood to discuss this with her. I already had enough problems to keep my mind occupied until the next millennium. “I know that you don’t want me here Nicola, but you know what, I don’t really give a shit.” She glared at me as she moved over to let me past.

“You're a fucking asshole!” she said, but not without Sue overhearing. It would cost Nicola two dollars and she protested, telling her mom that I had sworn at her first. For once though, Sue hadn't heard me and I glanced up to Nicola to gloat and laugh at her, as I walked downstairs.

“Can you two at least try, to be nice to each other?” said Sue, as I reached the bottom.

“You just heard what she thinks of me Sue, I carried her bag upstairs for her and that’s the thanks I get.” I was sure that Nicola would want to reply to my comments, but she kept her mouth shut, so I headed to the basement, to say goodbye to my adorable, sexy friend.

“Don’t forget we’re going bike riding tomorrow,” I said to Nathan, reminding him of his earlier pledge.

“Well don’t wear yourself out too much tonight then,” he said. Daniel chuckled and Nathan turned to him, rolling his eyes in jest. “I meant cycling. You’re getting a dirty mind, Daniel. I think Robbie’s corrupting you.”

He tilted his head and gave me a cheeky smile that warmed my heart and made me glow. I knew it was all a joke, but contrary to Nathan’s assumption, I didn’t expect to be doing anything like that with Fran that night, or ever again. Not after breaking the news to her about my sexuality.

I was pleased to get out of there and into the cool night air. I had been burning up and Nathan was the cause. He would be back tomorrow, to go cycling with us, I was certain of this and it would no doubt mean another full day in his company and the third day in a row that we had seen each other. After several weeks without visiting, this was going to look a little odd, but I didn’t care, I wanted him to be there. Nathan had been gradually growing on me ever since we met at the bus stop, but that weekend he had pretty much taken over completely and I couldn’t get him out of my head. I was finding it difficult to function properly and I was becoming absent-minded and clumsy. I was even losing my basic co-ordination skills and I had stabbed myself in the cheek earlier with a fork, while eating. I had completely missed my mouth and although no one saw it, it still worried me.

‘Is this normal behaviour for someone who’s in…who likes another boy’?

I couldn’t even think those words to myself; they were too silly to contemplate.

The kiss we had shared earlier that day had been the highlight of a very special day, and the way that he had acted that morning at the mall was adorable. I had been wondering at the time what Daniel made of it all. It would have been obvious to him that Nathan was hitting on me, but he chose to ignore it. Maybe he thought that it was all a joke and a lot of our banter was in jest, but there were times when I could tell that Nathan was being serious. He was clever with his use of words and I was starting to pick it up very quickly.

Now there was something else to keep my mind occupied, Nathan’s surprisingly affectionate friendship with the boy who would very soon become my adopted brother. I knew that they had been close friends for years, but seeing them together that day, had been a bit of a revelation to me. There was close, and then there was close and Daniel and Nathan fell into the second category. I wanted to believe that they were only mucking about, but at times, their behaviour seemed to be somewhat unconventional and a little too gay for my liking. I didn’t mind the banter, or even the gay jibes, it was all done in fun and Nathan always gave as good as he got. It was the way that they were always touching or holding onto each other, that bothered me and it got me a little hot under the collar too. I began to wonder, if their friendship had ever crossed the line in the past. Had Nathan ever managed to tempt his close friend into dabbling with the other side? I wouldn’t have blamed Daniel, if he had been led astray by his friend, at some point, I was aware of how irresistible Nathan could be and Daniel had been around him, much more than I had. I thought back to what had happened between Tom and me and how Nathan had assumed that he had been my secret boyfriend, just because, I said that we were close.

It bothered me, mostly because it was Daniel and it felt wrong all of a sudden, as if I was getting involved in something that I shouldn’t.

‘Was I making a move for my brother’s ex-boyfriend’?

It might have got me onto the Jerry Springer Show, but I doubt if Daniel would have been too happy if this was true.

There was also that nagging voice in the back of my head that kept telling me that Nathan was too young. There was actually only seven months between us, but he looked and sometimes acted a lot younger than this, especially when he was in Daniel’s company. He was also a year behind me at school, and that year made a lot of difference at that age.

* * * * *

It took me half an hour to cycle the two or so miles to Fran’s house, but it wasn’t easy for me. I hadn't ridden a bike in ages and my legs started to get heavy, before I had even reached halfway. I spent every second of that journey, thinking about what I was going to say to her and how. I had never had a girlfriend before Fran and had never had to break up with anyone, so this was un-chartered territory for me. Whatever happened, I was certain that I would be doing the right thing by telling her. It was long overdue and I shouldn’t have put myself in that position in the first place.

We went to a Jimmy’s to eat before the movie; it was a big American type diner in the mall, near the cinema complex. As usual, Fran did most of the talking, as I sat quietly rehearsing my lines. I would normally at least try to listen and pretend to be interested in whatever she was talking about, but this time was different and it showed.

“What’s wrong with you tonight?”

“Nothing.”

“Well you could have fooled me, mister you’ve hardly said a word,” she said.

“Sorry?”

“It doesn't matter, but can you try to at least look as if you're enjoying yourself?”

“Sorry.”

“And stop saying sorry.”

“Sorry,” I laughed and she shook her head in dismay.

“You can be so annoying at times.”

Jimmy’s was quite a popular diner, cheap and clean, and favoured by many of the teenagers in Cobourg. It was the place to meet up and hang out before and after the movies and the majority of the people in there that night, were young couples.

“Are you sure you're okay, you're acting strange tonight?”

She was right, but there was little that I could do, it was Nathan’s fault that I was in this state but now I would have to be serious and somehow explain it all to Fran. I wasn’t expecting her to be sympathetic or understanding, but I was determined to answer her questions as truthfully as I could. Honesty is the best policy and the plan had been to tell her over a meal at Jimmy’s, after which I wasn’t expecting to make it to the cinema. I becoming more nervous with every minute that passed, scared about how she would react. I wasn’t ready to come out to everyone yet and I would need to remain on good terms with her if I were to persuade her to keep my secret. It was risky, but as far as I was concerned, there was no alternative.

I was looking down the straw into my vanilla shake as Fran studied my worried face.

“Are you doing drugs, Robbie?”

“No way,” I said, “not after…”

“Not after what?” she said, looking at me and demanding an answer.

“It’s not important.”

‘I very nearly told her that I did drugs at Alex’s house, I’m definitely losing it. I need to get this over with, but how’?

“Robbie! What’s going on with you?”

“I need to tell you something,” I said and I was sure now, that she would badger me until she got the truth.

“Go ahead,” she said, “I’m listening.” She wiped her mouth with a napkin and screwed it into a ball, throwing it onto her plate. She didn’t look happy at all. “Well!” she demanded, “we haven’t got all night.”

“I’m…”

“What?”

“I’m g…”

She just stared at me and shook her head in a disappointed fashion, like I had let her down badly and that was exactly how I felt.

“I think that I’m gonna be sick,” I said and ran to the washroom. I wasn’t sick at all, and straightened up as soon as the door closed behind me. I splashed some water on my face and stood looking at my reflection in the mirror, shaking my head in dismay. This coming out shit was a lot more difficult than I had expected.

‘Maybe this isn’t the right time or place, I could always try again tomorrow, yeah Sunday night may be a better time’.

“I’m okay, really,” I said, as we waited in line at the cinema. “I’ve got a lot on my mind that’s all.” She looked at me suspiciously.

“Why can’t you tell me what’s bothering you,” she said, “We’re not supposed to keep secrets from each other.” She was right; I was only making things worse by dragging it out for longer than was necessary. I looked straight ahead and cleared my throat.

“I think I’m gay,” I said. I closed my eyes tight and waited for the inevitable barrage, but it never came. There was nothing and she continued to hold onto my arm as if I hadn't said a word. Maybe she hadn't heard me. “Did you hear what I said?”

“Yes,” she said, and I opened my eyes and tilted my head towards her for an explanation, thinking that maybe it hadn't sunk in yet.

“What do you mean, you think?” she said, “don’t you know for sure, or are you bi-sexual?”

I was surprised by how calm she was, I was expecting her to scream or hit me, but this approach had me baffled and looking for a reason. It was too good to be true.

‘She had told me that she loved me, why is she behaving so calm’?

“I think that I’m…no, I know that I’m probably bi-sexual, but mainly…you know.”

“You're gay?” she said, loud enough for everyone around us to hear and it turned a few heads, making me cringe.

‘This is more like Fran’.

“Are you angry?” I said.

‘Well done, stupid. That was the most ridiculous thing to ask her ever. Now she’s gonna rip my head off’.

“No of course not,” she said. “It’s perfectly normal for guys to suddenly turn gay, it happens all the time Robbie.”

“It does?”

“No it doesn’t,” she whispered angrily in my face, “so smarten up and stop embarrassing me.” I was dumbfounded.

‘She didn’t believe me; maybe I don’t give off any gay vibes after all’.

“So what makes you think that you're queer all of a sudden?” she said mocking me.

“Fran,” I said, finally brave enough to look her in the eye. “It’s not a joke, it’s the truth.”

“No it’s not,” she said.

“It is Fran,” I insisted.

“You're not gay.”

“I am.”

“You can’t be.”

“Yes I can.”

“You’re just being an asshole. What is it Robbie, have you met someone else. Are you seeing another girl, is that it?”

It was definitely not going the way that I had planned it.

“Bloody hell, Fran, of course I’m not seeing anyone else.”

“You're going to then,” she said, “you’ve met someone and you want to split up with me first.”

“Don’t be silly, Fran, I wouldn’t do that, you know that I wouldn’t. How could you think that of me?”

“Then what are you telling me, that you’ve met a guy instead?” We were fast becoming the main attraction outside the cinema and I was more than relieved when the line started to go down.

“Yes, I mean no, it’s not like that, you don’t understand,” any answer would do, as long as it shut her up and I began staring back at a few of the people who were watching, luckily, so far I hadn't recognized anyone.

“Make up your mind Robbie,” she said, “Who is it? Do I know her, is she in our class, is it Stacey?”

“No, none of those, it’s not a girl okay…it’s…a guy.” I whispered discreetly into her ear.

“A GUY?” she said, loud enough to hear it on the other side of the mall. She was upset; I could hear it in her voice. “You met a guy, like in a gay guy?” I was trying to calm her down or least persuade her to lower her voice a couple of decibels.

“You know what Robbie,” I shook my head hoping that she wouldn’t embarrass me any further, but it was to no avail. “I was going to give you a blowjob tonight.” I would have killed for the opportunity to make myself invisible at that moment, or to be standing anywhere in the world other than where I was. I could hear a few comments and a couple of chuckles, as I went bright red and stared at the ground. “I was gonna make it really special for you.”

“Damn,” I heard someone speak up behind me.

‘What’s wrong with that girl, why can’t she keep her mouth shut’?

“You can do me instead, baby,” somebody else said and it got a few laughs, as I tried to hide my face.

“Please Fran; can we discuss this later, in private?”

I was pleased to get into the semi darkness of the cinema but dismayed at her choice of film. Most of the teenagers were either going to see ‘Ironman 2,’ or the remake of ‘Nightmare on Elm Street,’ but we were going to watch an obscure French film with English subtitles.

“You’ll love it,” she said, “it’s very educational.”

It didn’t however prove to be a popular choice for the Saturday night cinema going public and attracted barely more than twenty people into the auditorium. Fran held my hand and led me to up to the back row. I wasn’t sure what to expect.

‘Is she gonna call her daddy and have me bumped off or something’.

We sat on our own in the far corner and it was obvious that we weren’t there to watch the movie, however educational it may be. She caught me by surprise, when she started kissing me before the lights went down, probing my mouth with her tongue, while rubbing her hand over the front of my pants. This wasn’t how I had expected her to react and I tried to squirm free, but she was almost on top of me. She had my limp dick in her hand, before the first trailer had finished and was frantically trying to bring it to life.

“Fran, I don’t think this is a good idea.”

‘I just told her that I’m gay, what’s wrong with her’?

I didn’t like what she was doing, but it was inevitable that my penis was going to disagree and glad of the attention, it began to swell. Fran smiled knowingly at me, as if she had proved her point.

“Don’t you want me to suck you?” she said, squeezing me hard and working it with both hands.

“No Fran, not here,” I replied unconvincingly. I was nervous about the idea. I didn’t want to make a mess and have to walk out of the cinema with sperm on my shirt or pants; I voiced my concerns to Fran.

“Don’t worry, there’ll be no mess,” she said. “I want you to cum in my mouth, okay.”

“But Fran…?” Her head was already in my lap and I closed my eyes and gripped the armrest.

It took her most of the movie to get me to squirt, but to her credit, she never gave up and spent nearly an hour with her head between my legs and my dick in her mouth. She sucked on it and licked it, fast, and slow, gradually working me up to an explosive finish. Every few minutes, she would come up for a rest, kiss me and talk dirty.

“Cum in my mouth,” she said, “I want to taste you.”

I was trying my best not to make too much noise, but it difficult and I whimpered loudly as I lifted my hips and shot deep into her mouth, without warning. She kept it there for about a minute, before sitting upright and taking a long sip of cola. She sat back in her chair and neither of us said a word as I placed my todger back inside my pants. She was right, there was no mess at all, she had swallowed the lot.

“It has a weird taste,” said Fran as we walked from the mall later that night. “It’s a bit like swallowing a mouthful of warm yoghurt.”

I couldn’t imagine what that would be like, but I had swallowed more than a few mouthfuls of jizz in recent months.

“Do you still think that you're gay,” she said smiling at me, as if she had proved her point.

“I’m absolutely certain of it.”

* * * * *

It was nearly one o’clock in the morning, when I got back to the house. I wheeled my bike along the decking at the side, carried it down the stairs and rested it against the back of the house. I was hot, sticky and out of breath from the ride home. Now my legs were feeling heavy and starting to ache as I pulled off my sneakers and went inside. I had asked Daniel to leave the doors unlocked and the outside lights on. The family room was dark and quiet, but the exterior lights lit up enough of the room for me to see the bedroom door was open. Daniel always left the door open, whenever he was in bed before me.

I quickly removed my jacket and t-shirt, and then sat on the bed to pull off my pants and socks.

‘I wonder what time Nathan went home’.

I smiled, even thinking about him made me go all goofy. I picked up a towel and my PJ’s and pulled the door shut, feeling my way along the wall to the light switches, so that I could see my way to the bathroom. As the lights went on though, I was startled by the sight and sound of somebody stirring in front of me. The sofa bed was pulled out and I saw Nathan quickly dragging the bed sheet over his head to shield him from the light. It wasn’t difficult to work out who it was and I could see a tiny tuft of black hair sticking out from under the top of the pure white sheet. I switched the lights off again as quickly as I could to assess the situation.

Nathan had obviously decided to sleep over, maybe it had been too late for him to get home or maybe Daniel had simply talked him into staying. Either way the end result was that he was in bed just a few feet away from me, probably in his underwear and I would be sleeping almost in the same room. He would be here with me in the morning and I would get to see him almost naked.

‘I wonder what he looks like without his clothes, I know that he’s gonna have the cutest body ever and the nicest feet too’.

After yet another shower, I pulled on my PJ bottoms and a white t-shirt then switched off the light. Waiting until my eyes to adjust before opening the bathroom door and walking swiftly towards the half-lit end of the room. I was nearly there when I heard Nathan stirring behind me.

“Daniel?” Nathan whispered. “Daniel?”

“It’s me Robbie,” I said stopping in my tracks and turning towards him. “I didn’t mean to wake you; I didn’t know that you were staying over.” I could just about see him sitting up on the sofa bed.

“Come here,” he whispered, my heart must have missed a beat. I wasn’t sure if this was a good idea but I slowly and nervously made my way barefoot, across the cold wooden flooring. Nathan reached over to switch on a lamp and now we could see each other clearly I was disappointed to see that he was wearing a vest.

“What’s the matter?” I said.

“I was having trouble sleeping; this bed isn’t as comfortable as yours.”

‘If he wants me to swap with me now, then he can forget it. I’m a nice guy, but not that nice’.

“How did your date go?”

“It was okay, I think.”

“You only think?” His soft tones and honest expression, made me quiver and I smiled broadly at him.

“It wasn’t the best night,”

“Oh sorry,” he said.

“You don’t need to apologise, it wasn’t your fault.”

‘Or was it’?

“Did you wanna go to bed?” he asked, it was the best offer that I had ever had but I didn’t tell him that.

“Actually I’m not that tired, either.”

“Do you wanna stay and talk for a bit?” He looked all excited and his expression wouldn’t have looked out of place on a kid half his age.

“I’ll do anything for a bit,” I said.

“I love it when you talk dirty,” he said, and he patted the bed, telling me to sit down.

“What movie did you see?” he asked and I stared back at him in panic as I searched my brain for the name of the movie that I had just been to see, without actually seeing any of it.

“I can’t remember,” I said, “it’ll come to me in a minute.”

“Well what was it about?” he asked, “I’ll probably be able to tell you what movie it was by the story.” I had almost forgotten that I was talking to a guy who had an encyclopaedic knowledge of the movie business. This was embarrassing.

“There was a lot of action in it,” I offered.

“Wow, why didn’t you say, that really narrows it down a bit,” he said, and I couldn’t help laughing with him. “Anything else, which you can remember about it?”

“Yeah there was a car chase…I think.”

“You think?”

“No I’m petty certain there was.”

“Okay well you’ve got me, I thought that I would have been able to guess with those clues,” he said.

“Really?”

“No, of course not,” he said giggling. “Did you even see any of the actual movie?”

“Not a lot,” I replied, “it was difficult to follow because it was in French, with you know, those subtitle thingy’s.” Nathan was on his side, covering his mouth and trying not to laugh and wake up Daniel. I just shrugged my shoulders at him.

“Well it sounds like you had a good time anyway,” he said. Then he sat up again. “You're funny, you make me laugh.”

“That’s a good thing, right.”

“Oh for sure eh, laughing is the most important thing in the world.”

“Well that’s one thing that I have going for me, I suppose.”

“Don’t underestimate yourself, you have a lot of ticks in your boxes, dude.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, but he quickly changed the subject.

“Hey do you wanna drink? There’s some pop in the fridge.” I was about to get up, but before I had a chance to move, he stood up on the bed and leapt off towards the small fridge in the laundry room. He was wearing a white singlet vest and a pair of matching briefs. At last, I got to see some skin, as he stood bathed in light from the open fridge door. The floor in there was plain concrete and cold and Nathan shivered, as he hopped around on the cold floor. He had nice feet; I thought that they would be. I ordered an orange and he came skipping over, jumping over my legs and back onto the bed, where he sat down and rubbed his feet, to warm them up. I would gladly have done that for him, if he had let me. Then they were gone again, hidden from my prying eyes, as he slid them under the sheets, pulling the linen up to his neck. He looked warm and comfortable, and I was aching to climb in next to him.

“Aren’t you cold?” ha said.

“I’m freezing,” I replied, and I half expected him to make room for me, thoughts of Tom flashed through my head.

“I’ll get you something,” he said, sitting up and reaching to grab a blanket, which he unfolded and carefully wrapped around my shoulders. He was kneeling on the bed next to arm and I had a naughty peek at the bulge in his cotton briefs. It seemed to be much more pronounced than it was a few minutes prior. After Nathan had cocooned me tightly in the blanket, he knelt in front of me and with his hands on my shoulders and smiled.

“You look funny,” he said, “but cute.”

“So do you.”

“Funny or cute?”

“Cute and sexy,” I said. He giggled and scrambled back under the covers, leaving his arms outside as he rested on his side facing me in the dim light. We had run out of conversation or just lost the urge to talk as we sat there watching one another. It wasn’t uncomfortable though and we stayed like that for five minutes, maybe longer, studying each other’s face with short random giggles. I wanted to do something, anything that would move things along. It didn’t to be anything sexual, but I was longing to touch him.

I had released my blanket enough to free my arms and when I did, I made my boldest move so far, as I placed my hand gently on top of his. He looked at it and moved his eyes back to mine, without making any attempt to pull away.

I was staring, lost in his dreamy eyes; I just wanted him so bad that it felt as if I could no longer physically operate without him.

“Nathan, will you have sex with me?”

‘I can’t believe that I just said that’?

I waited for his reaction, it only took a couple of seconds but it seemed as though I had enough time to go to the shops and back. He looked shocked but not angry and there seemed to be a glimmer of a smile.

“What did you say?”

‘Stupid to back out now’.

“I wanted to know if you would…maybe have sex with me?” It was much more difficult to say the second time around, now that I no longer enjoyed the element of surprise and it took every ounce of courage that I had, to say those words aloud.

“What right now?”

‘I would definitely, without doubt, but he’s joking. That’s a good sign’.

“Not now, another time,” I said.

“When?”

“What?”

“No when.”

“I don’t understand…”

“When do you wanna have sex,” he said, “I need to check my diary.”

“Oh yeah…that’s funny,” I said. I looked around nervously. “I was being serious Nathan.”

“You're being serious?” he said and I nodded, he was no longer laughing and he took ages to answer. “Robbie dude, we need to talk, okay?” he looked me straight in the eyes, but I couldn’t read his expression, so I looked away.

‘He doesn't wanna know, this isn’t good, why did I say that’?

“I’m sorry, I don’t know why I said that, it’s not like me at all, forget I said anything….”

“Shush,” he said putting his forefinger across my mouth to stop me. “You can’t just ask me something like that and then expect me to forget that you said it?” I had never heard him talk that seriously before and I couldn’t even look at him. I suddenly wanted to go to bed.

‘What is my problem, why do I do these stupid things without thinking, what’s wrong with me? Everything was going well and I had to go and ruin it, what did I fucking expect him to say’?

“Look maybe we should sleep,” I said, “this was a bad idea.”

“No, I don’t want you to leave,” he said, studying my face, I finally summoned enough courage to look back at him and when I did, I regretted it. He was upset and he looked close to tears.

“Why can’t you just ask me out on a date or something, if you like me? Or try to kiss me like you did yesterday, but don’t just ask me for sex and expect me to jump at the opportunity. I’m not like that Robbie, okay. That just doesn't do it for me. I don’t wanna be used like that.”

“I’m sorry, it was stupid…”

“Damn right it was.” He looked away and I stood up, to go to bed. I had no idea what to say or do that would make him feel any better.

‘I should go to bed; maybe I can make it up to him another time’.

“I like you Robbie, you obviously know that,” he said, and I stood still. “I thought that you were cute when I first saw you at the bus stop. When Daniel introduced you to me as his new brother, there were things that you said and looks that you gave me that had me believing that maybe you were gay and maybe you liked me the same way. When I saw you at the bus stop and we talked, I dared to believe that maybe I was right about you. I couldn’t stop thinking about you dude, I was so obsessed.” He was crying now and his whispers were getting louder. I sat back down, in an attempt to calm him and prevent him from waking up Daniel.

“But you're beautiful Nathan, you're much better looking than I am and everyone would say that. You could have any boy out there; even most straight boys would fancy you.”

“But I don’t want straight boys to fancy me. I’m not after that kind of relationship; I want the real deal, love and everything. You don’t know what it’s like for me, there are no gay people in Cobourg, they're all too scared to come out of the frigging closet.” I had a feeling, that he was including me in that quota. “I thought for a moment that you were the real deal Robbie, I thought that you were so nice and started looking out for you every day at school and at the bus stop.”

“Me too,” I said, but it didn’t help any.

“Then I saw you one day with Fran and I realised how fucking stupid I had been to believe in you, and then that day in the library.”

“I was just confused,” I said, “I liked you too, I told you that. I wasn’t lying, I’ve always liked you.”

“But you liked Fran better, right?”

“NO, that’s not true at all,” I said too loudly and we both turned our heads towards the bedroom door, to make sure that I hadn't woken Daniel.

“But she’s your frigging girlfriend,” whispered Nathan, after a while. “You have sex with her, and then come back here, to try it on with me. That’s not fair on me and it’s not fair on her either. Can’t you see that?”

“My relationship with her is a farce, Nathan. I don’t love her and I never will be able to love her, not in the same way that I love…you.” He flicked his eyes towards me when I said that and I looked away, embarrassed.

“Don’t say things like that Robbie, you don’t even know me.”

“I’m with Fran, because I wanted to believe that I was straight, even when I realised that I wasn’t ever gonna be. I had no choice Nathan, I was too scared not to.”

“I don’t understand, why you would wanna do that, gay people aren’t persecuted in Canada. There’s still some prejudice and you said yourself, that there are assholes everywhere, but it’s not as if we’re living in Russia, it’s not against the law. You're not going to get beat up every day.”

“I know that Nathan, look you obviously don’t understand and I don’t expect you to either.”

“Are you scared of Don,” he said, “is that it, are you frightened in case they decide not to adopt you?”

“Something like that, whatever, it doesn’t really matter.”

“It does matter,” he said, he had stopped crying and was talking slower and quieter than before. “It matters a lot. For what it’s worth Robbie, I know that Don is homophobic and I have no doubts at all that he will give you a hard time if you come out, but they're not gonna send you back dude. He’ll get over it, he’ll have to accept you for what you are, he has to, he has no choice.”

“But he won’t like me, will he? He’ll think that I’m some kind of freak. I got it good here Nathan, I’ve fallen on my feet, but it could have been completely different. If Don and Sue hadn't have agreed to take me, then I would have gone into a foster home for three years and it would have been difficult at my age. The good families want younger kids, nobody wants to adopt, or look after a teenager, especially in London, where there’s a problem with drugs and crime. I would probably have spent years in some shitty home, hating every second of it. Don and Sue treat me as if I’m one of their kids and they’ve given me a life that I couldn’t have even dreamt about having. I owe them everything I have and I want them to be proud of me.” I wiped away of tear of my own as I sat looking down at the bed and I felt Nathan’s hand on my arm. “It’s okay for you Nathan, but not everyone can make that choice.”

“They can still be proud of you, if you're gay,” he said, rubbing my arm gently.

“They can, but they won’t be, we both know that.” He sighed and looked into my eyes, long enough for me to meet them with my own.

“I’m sorry,” he said, “I can understand why you don’t want to come out yet.”

“I like you a lot Nathan, really I do.”

“I like you too, dude and I don’t mind if you don’t come out, but as I told you before, I don’t wanna share you. I can’t be used like that.”

There was nothing more that I could say or do, that was going to change his mind and I let out a big sigh and relaxed, knowing that it was over. I stood up once again to head for my warm bed, although I doubted if I would be able to sleep.

“Can we at least be friends,” I said, “I would really like to be your friend, we have so much in common.”

Even in the dim light, I could see tears rolling down his cheeks and he wiped his cute face with his hands.

“As long as you don’t perve on me all the time and stalk me and shit,” he said.

“I’ll try to,” I said, and it made him laugh.

“Okay, we can be friends.”