The Cockney Canuck - 49. Chapter 49 Victoria Day

May twenty-four was Victoria Day and a public holiday in Canada, but I couldn’t understand why Canadians would want to celebrate the birthday of an English Queen who died over a hundred years ago. It was something else about this country that didn’t seem to make any sense. Putting gravy on chips, milk in bags, and mounted police who drove around in cars were other examples. It’s no wonder the Americans generally poked fun at their northern neighbours, and I would have done too if I hadn’t of been one of them.

The long weekend traditionally marked the start of the summer season in Cobourg, which would last until Labour Day in early September, and right on cue, the weather had turned settled and warm. Monday was particularly hot, up in the high twenties, and Daniel and I wore just shorts and t-shirts, as we headed—like many of the other teenagers in town—to the beach to meet up with friends. Officially, it was Daniel’s pals Doug and Billy, who we would be spending the afternoon with, but I had also made some plans of my own.

I wasn’t really the type of kid who would hang out at the beach; I had never had the opportunity. There were none in London, and even though I had been to the popular south coast resort of Brighton, a few times when I was younger, I was never tempted onto the stony beach or into the murky waters of the English Channel.

Daniel had told me that it would be busy, but I was still surprised to see so many people milling about when we reached the park that Nathan and I had visited on our date only ten days before.

“I didn’t know there were this many people in Cobourg,” I said, taking in the sights and sounds around me.

“A lot of them are from out of town, they come here for the beach. Cobourg’s a summer place, you’ll see soon enough.” I followed him along the paved boardwalk eyeing everything in long shorts. There was a lot on offer, especially on the beach, which was dotted with a variety of bare-chested, barefoot, boys and young men, of all shapes and sizes. A few particularly hot ones grabbed my attention, and I allowed Daniel to get away from me, as I slowed to a crawl in order to feast my eyes on some prime young talent. I nearly tripped over a pushchair, while watching a young guy running after a Frisbee. He was a lot older than me but had a fit, trim body, and my unashamed interest was perhaps a barometer of how comfortable I had become with my sexuality. A few weeks previous, I would have chastised myself for such a blatant stare, or made up some ridiculous excuse to justify it while struggling under a burden of guilt. Anything rather than admit to myself that I enjoyed looking at men more than women.

It felt good to be free of that self-inflicted misery, and I was certain that I had Nathan to thank for it. Perhaps some of his self-confidence had rubbed off on me, because I was starting to feel much better about myself and who I was. This skin was a far more comfortable fit than the one that I had been trying to squeeze into since my arrival in Canada.

“Come on dude, keep up.” Daniel had stopped to wait for me while I quickly replied to a text message and pocketed my phone. “Do you have to stare at every girl you see?”

“Sorry, I can’t help it. There’s so many….”

‘…cute boys here’.

As I neared him, a shirtless, teenage boy brushed between us, with an apologetic smile. He was a little too young for my taste but had a nice body nevertheless, and it was an effort to resist turning my head to follow him. Daniel didn’t give him a second glance, but I could see him blatantly helping himself to an eyeful of cleavage, belonging to a well-developed teenage girl who walked past us with an ice cream but very little in the way of clothing.

‘I swear; Daniel hasn’t got a single gay bone in his body’.

For once, though, I wasn’t jealous of my soon to be adopted sibling, and I found his reaction quite amusing. “Do you like her?”

“Like who?”

“Her,” I said, pointing to the girl who was now walking ahead of us, wearing shorts that barely covered her bottom. “You’re drooling.”

“No I’m not,” he grinned, “but she is hot.”

“I can ask her if you want?” I said, picking up speed to walk beside her.

“Ask her what, NO DON’T?” Daniel’s shout got her attention and she turned towards us. Up-close she looked about sixteen or seventeen and probably a little too old for him, but I was only having fun.

“Excuse me, I hope you don’t mind me asking…but my brother wants to know…,” I glanced towards Daniel, who looked petrified and turned his head away, “…where you got your ice cream from?”

She stopped to flick her eyes to Daniel, and then back to me with a friendly smile. “There’s a stall, back there by the washrooms.”

I knew where it was; we had walked past it only a few minutes earlier. “Is that on this side of the park or the other side? Sorry, I’m new around here.” I smiled back at her with all the charm that I could muster.

“This side,” she said, “it’s really easy to find, but there’s a big line-up.”

“Oh…is there anywhere else around here that…might be, maybe a little less busy?”

She laughed as I tripped over my words, and then took a lick of her ice cream, which was starting to melt and run down her fingers. “There’s another place further up; I can show you if you want?”

“Do you mind?”

“No, it’s okay, it’s just up here,” she said, and she carried on walking, before apologising to me, as she licked more ice cream from her fingers. She was getting into a bit of a mess and had some running down her chin, but laughed as she scooped it up, and I joined in. “So where are you guys from?”

“England.”

“I guessed that, but whereabouts?”

“London,” I said, as we continued walking. I turned to a surprised looking Daniel and waved him over. “This is my brother Daniel, and I’m Robbie.”

“Hi,” she said, as he caught up and walked alongside me.

“What’s your name?” I asked.

“Amanda.”

“Are you from Cobourg?”

“Port Hope.” It was the next town along the lake and I nodded. “I’ve been to London,” she said.

“Did you like it?”

“Yeah, I thought it was really cool. I went with my family a couple of years ago; we visited all the sights and museums and stuff, like the Tower of London. That was neat.”

“Oh yeah, I was locked up there for a while,” I said.

“Really?”

“No, of course not,” I laughed, and she giggled at my stupid attempt at humour.

“So how long are you here for?”

“Forever,” I said, “I just moved here, so everything’s a little strange at the moment and I don’t really know anyone.” That seemed to spark a little more interest, and as I turned my head quickly to wink at Daniel, I noticed her looking me up and down.

“Wow, that’s so cool,” she said, “I thought you were on vacation or something.” She may have been a little older than me, but she was clearly interested, and she looked right at me and smiled sweetly, which rattled my nerves a little. I had been hoping that she might see something in Daniel that she liked, and I wanted to get them talking, but it was an ill-conceived plan that was never going to work. Maybe it was the age difference, plus the fact that he looked a little uncomfortable and way out of his depth. He had barely said a word, and she hadn’t given him a second glance, so I thought it best to withdraw.

If I had gone there to find myself a girl, it would have been mission accomplished on my first attempt, but I hadn’t really expected to be that successful, and now that I had had my fun, I needed to backtrack, before it went any further.

“You’re gonna need to eat that quickly,” I said, pointing to her melting ice cream. It had become unmanageable and was probably beyond saving without getting into a huge mess. I knew that she wasn’t going to let that happen, and she decided to ditch it before it got any worse, throwing what was left in a nearby garbage container and licking her fingers.

“I’m sorry,” she said, as she tried to find some clothing to wipe her hands on, but she wasn’t wearing enough.

“It’s my fault for keeping you talking, I can buy you another one?”

‘Why did I say that’?

“Thanks, but I think I’ve had enough. Are you gonna be here for the rest of the day?” She looked hopeful, but that was my chance to get away.

“No, we have to leave soon,” I said, and I could almost feel Daniel’s eyes burning into the back of my head.

“Oh really, I’m supposed to be meeting up with some friends and you guys could have tagged along if you wanted. We can show you around.”

“That sounds cool, but we really have to go.” She looked confused and so did Daniel as we approached the harbour wall at the end of the beach. “We’ll be back later, though,” I said, “so maybe we can meet up then?” She seemed happy enough with that, and told me roughly whereabouts she would be, before pointing out the ice cream store, and leaving to find her friends.

Daniel was quick to turn on me once she had gone. “Why don’t you go with her dude; I don’t mind? She likes you, and she’s hot, don’t you think?”

“Whatever; I was hoping you would talk to her.”

“She’s not interested in me, she’s like grade eleven or something. Did you see her tits?” It would have been impossible not to, but his choice of words surprised me and made me laugh. He didn’t usually talk like that to me, but I liked the fact that he was relaxing more in my company. “Come on,” he said, jumping down onto the beach, “there’s Doug, I can’t believe you just did that, that was so cool.”

‘I don’t believe it either; why can’t I do that with boys? I was too scared to ask Nathan on a date, even though I knew he was gay and he liked me. He had to ask me’.

I followed him onto the beach and watched, as he ran over to relay my exploits to Doug and Billy, who were playing Frisbee by the water’s edge. By the time I joined them, Daniel had already shed his t-shirt, and as far as I was concerned, was a definite contender for the hottest kid on the beach. Maybe I was a little biased towards my nearly adopted, younger brother, but he certainly had the beating of the rather plump looking Doug, and his scrawny friend Billy.

‘If I was a girl, I’d be all over Daniel like a rash’.

I sat myself down in the sand, where Daniel had dropped his bag, and pulled off my own t-shirt. It was another landmark for me; the first time that I could remember taking my top off outdoors in public, and I guess it showed, as I took a few friendly jibes from the boys about the paleness of my skin. Daniel wasted no time telling his buddies about Amanda, making me look cool and suave when I really wasn’t anything of the kind. All I did was have a laugh with her, and play the new boy in town trick, with plenty of English accent, and Bob’s your uncle¹, it worked. The fact that I wasn’t really interested in her, and didn’t care what reaction I got, probably also went in my favour, making me appear cooler than I actually was.

Daniel was easily impressed and maybe a little proud of me too, which made me feel good, but I wasn’t sure if his friends would see it the same way. I had, after all, just passed up the opportunity to spend the afternoon with a hot-looking, big-bosomed chick, to play beach games with three scantily-clad, teenage boys, and although it made perfect sense to me, I knew that Doug would have something to say about it.

“You’re fucking crazy man,” he said, confirming what I had been thinking. “I would have been banging her by now dude.” His voice; always louder than necessary, made me cringe, and his words reminded me of everything that I didn’t like about him. I could have thought of a few choice replies, but for Daniel’s sake, I kept my mouth shut, and let him have his say.

‘Like you would really have got that far with her’.

I shifted uncomfortably in the sand and set about removing my sneakers. Bare feet seemed to be in order, and I was probably the only person on the beach wearing socks. Earlier, I thought it was funny when I saw Daniel leaving the house in just a pair of flip-flops. In London, even on a hot day—which was rare—any boy wearing footwear like that, would have been ridiculed, but in Cobourg, it seemed quite acceptable. I liked the look of them on other boys of course, but my English upbringing was still proving to be a formidable barrier that would take some time to break down, and I wasn’t quite ready yet to go and buy a pair myself.

I joined the boys in a game of Frisbee, and then football (soccer), but running on soft sand was a new experience for me, and I was soon winded. When I sat down for a rest, there was another text waiting for me on my phone, and I replied immediately before Daniel came to sit down next to me.

“You need to be careful dude,” he said, “you’re gonna burn.” He reached into his bag and pulled out a bottle of sunscreen, tipping a big dollop into his palm, before chucking it at me. Sue had also warned me earlier as we left the house, and I could already feel the heat of the sun biting into my exposed skin. I read the label and then watched as Daniel smeared cream over his shoulders, arms, and chest.

It looked a little messy to me. “I think I’ll just put my t-shirt back on,” I said.

“Don’t be so English,” he said.

“But I am English.”

“Well don’t be, okay?” He grabbed the bottle, aimed it towards me and squeezed a long stream of it over my chest, laughing as I flinched.

“Ouch, that’s cold.”

“Shutup baby, would you prefer to get sunburn? Now rub it in like this.” He demonstrated by squirting some more over himself, and I begrudgingly followed his lead.

“I know what to do,” I said, but I didn’t particularly enjoy being covered in cream. In different circumstances, it may have been fun, but not at the beach, where the fine sand was already starting to cling to my freshly oiled skin. Daniel found it quite funny, laughing at me as I pulled a face. Then he got to his knees, and I thought that he was going back to join Doug and Billy, but instead, he scooted behind me and I felt a blob of cold sunscreen land between my shoulder blades.

“I don’t do this for everyone,” he said, as he quickly rubbed the cream down the length of my back, “so consider yourself lucky.”

I already knew how lucky I was, having him there to look after me in a new environment. He had done the same for me in the snow, teaching me how to skate and stay warm. If he hadn’t of been my brother, then he would have made an excellent friend, although after watching him smear that cream over himself, that may have proved a little problematic.

To avoid staring at Daniels glistening body, I had turned away to look at a couple of bikini-clad teenagers, playing in the shallow surf, and was surprised when he handed me back the bottle of sunscreen.

“Okay, you can do me now,” he said, and I nearly dropped the bottle. I must have looked a little confused. “Put cream on my back, dork.”

“Oh…yeah, of course.” I don’t know why I hadn’t anticipated this request because it was fairly obvious that he wasn’t going to be able to do that himself. It was probably just the way that he said it. I reciprocated by kneeling behind him and then squirting way too much lotion on his back, causing him to complain. Then I tried to get rid of some of the excess, by scooping it up and rubbing it over myself, but I wasn’t doing a very good job. I didn’t do it on purpose, but I would be lying if I said that I didn’t enjoy smearing cream over him, and I couldn’t help laughing.

“That looks like fun, can I join in?” I hadn’t heard him approaching, but recognized the voice behind me instantly, and so did Daniel.

“Nathan, hey what’s happening dude?” he said, as we both spun around to greet his friend. He was wearing a loose fitting, ‘Toronto Raptors’, basketball top, a red baseball cap, sunglasses, and shorts that ended just below the knee. Standard beach wear I guess, and I smiled when I noticed him carrying a pair of flip-flops that he had obviously been wearing on his way there. With him was Ginny, who looked happier than usual, and like the rest of us, showing a lot more skin than she did at school.

Nathan looked at me with a silly grin. “Are you expecting a solar flare, or is this some kinda naughty game you two are playing?” He turned towards Ginny, to share a laugh.

“This dork, just decided to cover me in sun cream,” said Daniel, making me giggle.

“Nice going Robbie,” said Nathan, “I would have done the same.”

“I know,” I said, standing up and wiping my hands on my shorts, “I was a little heavy handed.”

“Don’t squeeze it so hard next time,” he said, making us both laugh.

“Yeah, I got carried away and it came out too quick.”

Nathan raised his eyebrows and nodded his head. “It’s impressive, though.”

“Very funny you guys,” said Daniel, who was clearly uncomfortable with the mess that I had made on his back, and was trying to reach around himself to rub the rest of it in. I felt guilty watching him struggle and obligated to finish the job, but to everyone’s surprise, I was beaten to it by Ginny, who pushed me out of the way.

“Guys are useless at anything like this,” she said, as she grabbed a hold of Daniel’s shoulder to spin him around, and then used her other hand to carefully smooth out the remaining puddles of cream. Nathan and I gave each other a curious look, but Daniel although hesitant at first, seemed quite satisfied with Ginny’s slow hand and attention to detail.

‘Bloody hell, she’s enjoying that even more than I did’.

Daniel had a definite smile on his face, and Ginny’s sensual massage soon grabbed the attention of Doug and Billy, who sauntered over to join Nathan and me in the audience. Considering their mutual dislike of each other, Ginny’s actions were a surprise to everyone, but she seemed to be enjoying the extra attention and finished off by slowly wiping her hand diagonally across his chest.

‘Why didn’t I try that’?

“Who’s next?” she said teasingly, leading to an eager show of hands from Doug and Billy, while Nathan and I kept our arms firmly by our sides. Then she turned and wiped the smile off Daniel’s face with a hard slap across the back.

‘That’s more like the Ginny I know’.

Nathan coughed loudly. “Well, I’m pretty sure Daniel won’t get sunburnt today, or for the rest of the summer even.” Then he turned to me and whispered. “You look quite sexy too covered in cream, but you’re a little white.”

“Not you too,” I said, “I’ve been getting enough stick from this lot.”

“You need to take your shirt off more.”

“Would you prefer it if I was tanned then?”

“Not really,” he said, “I just think that you should take your shirt off more.” That made me laugh as I watched Ginny, who seemed to be enjoying herself smearing sunblock on the boys.

“What about you, aren’t you gonna take off your shirt? Then I can rub some cream on your back, or all over you would be nice.”

“That’s if you have any left,” he said, pointing to Ginny, who was lashing it on Doug pretty good, and creating quite a scene. Like a few of the people around us, I wasn’t sure what to make of her slightly risqué antics, but the boys were loving it, and it gave us some unexpected alone time, albeit on a crowded beach.

“Does Ginny do drugs?” It seemed a reasonable enough question considering her unusual behaviour.

“Oh yeah,” he said, “lots.”

“What?”

“She’s on lots of meds dude; she has a few issues; you know…mental issues.”

“Oh, I see.” Daniel had said the same thing, and I was wondering if we had been a little harsh on her.

“She has some serious mood swings, up and down like a yo-yo.” He knelt down in the sand and tugged on my arm to do the same. “Sit down and talk to me,” he said, “I’ve missed you.”

“You have; it’s only been like three days?” I said kneeling next to him. We were quite close and our legs were touching, which was exciting, but maybe a little risky. I didn’t care. I didn’t want to move away and neither, it seemed, did he.

“Yeah, but we can never really talk at school…you know, not in the same way.”

“Yeah, I get it,” I said, “and I missed you too…a lot.

“Cool,” he said, “I must be doing something right then.”

“Only everything…are you looking at my chest under those sunglasses?”

“Sorry,” he said, “was it that obvious?”

“Yes, but I don’t mind as long as I get to see some of you too.”

“And what bit of me do you wanna see?” he said, licking his lips.

“Well for a start, you can take your shirt off,” I said, pulling at his top.

He pushed my hand away. “Okay, I’m not sure if you’re ready for this, though.”

“I’ve seen it before,” I said laughing, “just get it off!”

He smiled and then grabbed his oversized singlet by the shoulder straps and pulled it over his head without even disturbing his sunglasses. I clapped in appreciation and gave him a little cheer, which got the attention of a rather confused looking Daniel and a smiling Ginny. Then Doug shouted something at us, which I couldn’t understand and didn’t really care about anyway.

“Happy now?” said Nathan.

“Yes, but you’re still a little overdressed for my taste,” I said, feasting my eyes on his slight, but sexy body.

He smiled at me and then slapped me on the arm. “Don’t stare,” he said, “it’s rude.”

I laughed, but he looked a little uncomfortable all of a sudden. “I don’t care what people think, we’re not doing anything wrong.”

“It’s you,” he said, “you make me nervous when you stare at me.”

“But you were doing the same thing to me.”

“I know, but…oh forget it, it’s not important.” He turned to smile at me. “Let’s talk about something else.” Then he swung his legs around in front of him and sat crossed legged, with his arms folded in his lap.

I looked down at the sand a little confused. “If you want, but I don’t understand why you don’t like me looking at you, have I done something wrong?”

“No silly, it’s not you,” he said, “look it’s nothing, don’t worry about it.”

“Nathan, you can’t tell me not to worry about something, and then expect me not to worry about it. I worry about everything. Even when I’m not worried, I still worry.”

“That doesn’t make sense dude,” he laughed and brought his knees up to his chest to wrap his arms around them. “If you must know, I’m a little self-conscious about my body. I mean, I know it’s not much to look at. Sometimes I think I look like a little boy, I haven’t got abs or anything or any….”

“Whoa, stop, wait a minute,” I said, interrupting him. “Are you seriously trying to tell me that you don’t want me looking at you because you think that I’m not gonna like what I see?”

“Well kinda, I suppose…something like that. Look I said it’s not important.”

“No Nathan, it is important, because you’re wrong, you couldn’t be any more wrong, you are so wrong that you’re wronger than the most wrong thing ever.” He laughed. “I know,” I said, “I don’t care if it sounds stupid. I think you’re beautiful. All of you, and I mean it, you’re absolutely perfect, from head to toe, especially your toes.” I paused to share a smile with him, and he wiggled them for me in the sand, which I thought was cute. “If anything, it should be me who’s worried, I’m nothing compared to you.”

“But you have a nice body,” he said, “and your chest is…you know.” He was blushing and had to look away.

“What?” I said, grinning at him.

“Well…you know, defined,” he said, still not looking at me. “And I like that, it’s kinda sexy.”

“Only kind of?” I was giggling at his awkwardness and he threw sand at me.

“Very sexy,” he said, “now stop being mean.”

“Sorry.”

“And stop saying sorry.”

I smiled and shielded my eyes from the glare of the sun to watch Ginny approaching. She was laughing to herself as she sat down in the sand opposite us.

“What are you two whispering about?” she asked, with a suspicious look that made me uncomfortable. I was certain that she knew about us, but I wasn’t sure exactly how much, or whether she was just guessing.

“Something that we obviously didn’t want anyone else to hear,” said Nathan, and I was surprised by his boldness towards his supposed second best friend. “Did you enjoy yourself rubbing cream over the boys?”

“Are you jealous?” she said.

“Yes,” he said.

“Well don’t worry baby, I’ve saved enough for you. You’re almost as white as he is.” She held up the sun cream and squeezed a dollop into her hand before ordering him to stand up.

“I’m not jealous of them,” he said, “I’m jealous of you, dumbo.” I don’t think that she quite got it, and Nathan rolled his eyes at me as he stood up. He turned his back on her and winced as she rubbed the cold cream over his shoulder blades, and I stood up and scowled at him when he folded his arms across his chest. Then gave him the thumbs up when he reluctantly dropped them to his sides.

Ginny didn’t spend as much time on Nathan as she had done with the other boys, and he seemed relieved, as she handed him the bottle, and told him to do the rest himself. “Or you could get him to do it for you,” she said pointing to me. I shared a nervous look with Nathan, expecting her to elaborate, as she looked straight at me. “I thought you might like that.”

“I don’t understand,” I said.

“Oh come on, I might be crazy, but I’m not fucking stupid.”

We looked at each other again, and then back to her, as she shook her head. “What’s wrong Ginny?” asked Nathan.

She laughed and then winked at me. “It’s okay,” she said, “I know.”

“What?” I said, glancing back at Nathan, who read my look instantly and returned it with an expression that told me that he hadn’t said anything to her. We were getting good at this; communicating without words or sign language, just the slightest of facial expressions.

“I know about you guys,” she said, matter-of-factly. “It’s so obvious, I don’t know why you’re even bothering trying to hide it.”

“What exactly do you know Ginny?” asked Nathan. It was a fair effort on his part, but even I could see that this was a lost cause. We had been rumbled, and the best that we could do now was to persuade her to join our side and help keep our—increasingly not so secret—secret.

“You’re gay,” she said pointing at me, “and you two are more than just friends, right?”

“Yes,” I said.

“No,” said Nathan at the same time, and she turned on him laughing.

“Your boyfriend just gave you away sweetie,” she said. “But I knew anyway, I noticed it in school, and we didn’t just happen to bump into him today did we? You guys have been texting each other for the past hour, at least.”

Realizing how futile the situation had become, Nathan smiled and apologised to his friend for trying to lie to her, but gave me a curious look, no doubt wondering why I had been so quick to crumble. Ginny really didn’t have any proof to base her assumption on, and we could have denied everything, if I hadn’t of caved in so easily, but I was starting to get a little tired of the secrecy, and the barrier that it was putting between us. I liked Nathan to the point of obsession, and even if it was too soon to be in love with him—although I had no idea what that actually meant—I still needed to be with him in a physical sense, without all the pretence.

We had barely seen one another since that extraordinary evening at his house the week before. Sure I saw him on Thursday and Friday in the cafeteria at school, and at the bus stop briefly after my extra math class, but even then we weren’t alone. We may have been speaking on the phone every day, and exchanging countless texts, but it wasn’t enough to satisfy me. I wanted to be with him and do all the things that couples usually did together, and it was frustrating knowing that we couldn’t do this.

Ginny had got it spot on; we had been texting each other for hours and it wasn’t a coincidence that he had seen us on the beach. We had arranged it so that we could meet up without it looking planned, but it obviously hadn’t fooled her.

‘If she can work it out so easily, then maybe Daniel will too if he hasn’t done so already’.

I was certain that Daniel would confront me straight away if he ever found out, but not until he was sure. He didn’t go much for gossip, not even in school where it was rife. However, my behaviour around Nathan, even from the first time that we were introduced, must have seemed a little odd to him, and we had left enough clues behind us, for him to at least be suspicious. Maybe he had considered the possibility but wasn’t ready or willing to believe it, and as with Tom in England, the more that I got away with, the more risks I was willing to take.

I noticed Daniel calling me over, so I decided to stretch my legs and leave Nathan to talk to Ginny alone for a while. I knew that I would be the main topic of their conversation, but I wasn’t comfortable enough with her, to want to stay and talk about our relationship. It had been difficult enough with Karen, and I really liked her, but Ginny still irritated me, and I was sure that the feeling was mutual.

When I joined the boys, I had to endure a few petty jibes from Doug and Billy, over my friendship with Nathan, which I was half expecting but was still a little unsettling. I was glad to hear them focus mainly on me, which I could handle and laugh off, but I didn’t like it when Nathan was mentioned, even though the joke was fairly tame. It made me realize how protective I was becoming for him; maybe a little over-protective, but I couldn’t help myself from being rattled whenever I heard his name mentioned alongside anything other than a compliment. Nathan, face to face was more than a match for anyone verbally and wasn’t being bullied physically, so he didn’t need my help in that way, and probably would have resented it if he had known. However, that didn’t make it any easier for me to stomach, and I found myself becoming increasingly agitated by some of the offhand remarks, mainly at school that I had previously considered being nothing more than harmless banter. I was unable to understand how anybody would want to ridicule someone as loveable, smart, talented, caring, and beautiful as he was. I may have been incredibly biased at the time, but as far as I was concerned, the sun really did shine out of his backside, and it hurt like hell whenever I heard a bad word against him, especially as it was usually a reference to his sexuality.

Determined to make the most of my first time on a beach; I played a few games with the boys and after a while Daniel managed to persuade Ginny and Nathan to join us in a giant game of Frisbee. We were close to the water’s edge and after Doug pushed Billy into the surf, it was obvious that we were all going to get wet. I decided to take the plunge myself, rather than be thrown in and waded out to my waist before the chill got the better of me. I was a good swimmer, and I had been relishing the opportunity to swim in what looked like the sea, but even on a hot day, Lake Ontario in May was cold.

“I usually swim in heated pools, not the sea,” I said, replying to Daniel’s teasing.

“It’s not the sea,” he said.

“Lake then…whatever it is, it’s fucking cold.” I sat hunched in a towel, with wet legs and shorts that were now covered in sand. “I’ve even got sand in my mouth now,” I said, and I tried to spit it out. “And I’ve got nothing to change into.”

Nathan stood in front of me laughing. “You are such a drama queen,” he said, and he was probably right. He seemed to be handling it a lot better than I was. “Your shorts will dry in the sun, or you could take them off, if they’re really bothering you.”

“You’d like that wouldn’t you?”

“No,” he said, sitting down opposite me, “you might get sunburn on your dinkle.” He pointed to my crotch, laughing.

“You can always rub some sunblock on it for me, I think I’d quite like that.”

“So would I, but we might get arrested, and the police already know you around here.” It wasn’t the answer that I was expecting, but it cheered me up. I smiled at him, then reached across to remove his sunglasses.

“That’s better,” I said, “I like your eyes, it’s a shame to hide them.” He was squinting as he adjusted to the glare, but I could still see the deep blue from beneath his dark lashes and I stared into them, as he flashed me a golden smile. “You’re the hottest boy on this beach, you know that?”

He was playing with the sand in front of him, when I reached out to touch his hand. He didn’t pull away, but turned his head to see if anyone had noticed, before looking back at me. He looked scared and I let go of his hand.

“Robbie, you know I want to….”

“I wanna be alone with you,” I said, cutting him off, “I’ve had fun today, but can we go someplace else now?”

“We can go for a walk, or to the park or something.”

“You know what I mean.”

“I don’t know any place where we can be alone…sorry.”

“What about your house?”

“We can go back there if you want, but my parents will be there?”

“Don’t you know anywhere?”

“No,” he said, “look, I’m sorry okay?” He looked defeated as he stared down at the sand. It was the closest that we had come to having any kind of disagreement, and I felt bad for putting him under pressure.

“I’m sorry,” I said, “I didn’t mean…I mean, it’s not your fault.” He smiled at me as I fumbled my apology, trying hard to find the right words, and put them into some kind of order. “It would be nice if we could just hold hands…maybe. Or even…kiss…if you wanted to, that is? I wasn’t trying to…you know…I didn’t mean.”

I wanted to reach out and hug him, but Daniel had joined us, falling to his knees, wet and out of breath. He looked as if he had been underwater, and shook his wet hair at us, dog fashion.

“I need a towel,” he said, shivering and I handed him the one I had been using. “I’m not interrupting anything am I?” He smiled at us and made a teasing kissy face, which got him a slap from Nathan.

“Don’t worry,” said Nathan, “I’m not trying to chat up your brother.” I met his eyes briefly, before looking back at Daniel. He looked as if he wanted to say something, but was holding back, maybe for later, when we were alone. He was the one who I was concerned about most, and he was proving the hardest of all to read.

After a while, Doug left us to meet up with his new girlfriend, taking Billy with him, and the rest of us, bored of the beach, went for ice cream and soda, before heading to the park. At the band shell, there were a group of old bearded guys playing some mediocre rock. I recognized a few of the songs from the music Don listened to in his study at home and in his car. It wasn’t really Nathan’s taste or mine, but they attracted a large crowd, including a lot of kids from our school. Half of those I said hello to, I still couldn’t put a name to, but Nathan seemed to know everyone and they all knew him.

* * * * *

In the evenings it was usually me who called him and normally from the bottom of the garden, where I could talk without being overheard by my increasingly inquisitive family. However, that night by the time I had finished washing off the sand and sun cream in the shower, it was a little late, so he called me instead. I was sitting on my bed, drying my hair when the phone rang.

“Robbie,” he said, “I’ve been thinking that maybe I should start working out.” I started to laugh, Nathan wasn’t exactly a wimp, but the thought of him lifting weights was hilarious. It just wasn’t him and I couldn’t picture him ever in a gym. “It’s not funny; I’m too scrawny, I need some muscles.”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t like the look of myself at the moment.”

“Well okay, if you really want, but you don’t have to do that for me because I already told you….” I looked over at Daniel, who was at his computer and decided to move my conversation into the family room.

“Yeah, I know,” he said, “but wouldn’t you prefer it if I had a bit of a…six pack?”

That made me laugh even more, as I looked at Nicola sitting on the couch watching TV and carried on walking towards the stairs. “No, not necessarily, but if you really wanna do it, then go ahead.”

“They do a weight training class after school and I’m thinking of joining.”

“Okay,” I said, “maybe I can join too, I could do Monday, Wednesday or Fridays.”

“Would you?” he said, “that would be so cool. It would give us some more time together too.”

“Yeah, and afterwards we could shower together,” I said as I reached the top of the stairs. Don and Sue were watching television in the living room, so I went into the kitchen.

‘Is there nowhere in this house, where I can have a private conversation’?

“Oh,” he said.

“What’s wrong, wouldn’t you like to see me naked?” I whispered into the phone.

“No,” he said, “I mean yes, of course, but not in the school showers. It’s hard enough having to look at Daniel every week after PE.”

“I bet it’s hard,” I said laughing, “but you don’t have to look at him, do you?”

“I know, but I can’t help it.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean, I have the same problem.”

“Really? That’s disgusting, he’s your brother.”

“No,” I said, “not yet anyway. Officially he’s still my cousin.”

“Oh, that’s okay, I think you’re allowed to look at cousins,” he said.

“I think so too.”

“So when is this adoption thingy going through?”

“Soon,” I said, “but I don’t know exactly when.”

“Cool, so you’d better get as many looks in as possible before it becomes incest, or whatever they call it.”

“I don’t think it quite works that way Nathan, but I get your point.”

‘Shit did I just say his name out loud’?

I had a quick look towards the living room and was relieved to see Don and Sue still there and out of earshot. It was difficult talking to him without saying anything incriminating, and the reason why I usually called him from the back of the garden.

“Anyway, it’s not him that I’m interested in…it’s you,” I said quietly. “And you don’t need to change because I like you as you are…unless you want to that is. But I’m still gonna like you, even if I don’t like you. Does that make sense?”

“Yes,” he said.

“Really? I didn’t think so.”

“Shutup, you plonker.”

“Hey, that’s my line,” I said, “you’re stealing my words.”

“So when am I gonna see you next?” he said, with a slow frustrating sigh.

“At school tomorrow I suppose, maybe I’ll even have the balls to sit with you at lunch. Now that I don’t have to bother about Ginny.”

“Yeah, it’s just the other six-hundred students that you need to worry about.”

“I think I can handle them,” I said, “I don’t care if they find out, I just wanna be with you.”

There was a silence as Nathan realized that I wasn’t joking anymore, then he let out a deep breath. “It’ll be more difficult than you think Robbie, believe me, it will. If you’re concerned about people watching you now, then wait and see what happens when you come out. You’re really gonna be under the spotlight.”

“But don’t you think it’ll be cool to be able to talk to each other and meet up in public, without having to hide all the time?” I could see Sue walking towards me smiling, so I smiled back, but walked around the breakfast bar to get out of her path.

“Yes,” he said, “look if you’re sure that’s what you want, then you know I’ll help you and support you all the way, and Ginny too.”

“And your sister,” I said, “don’t forget about her.”

“And Karen, yes of course,” he said, “but she won’t be able to help you in school. I just don’t want you to get hurt, that’s all, I love you too much for that.”

‘Did he just say that he loved me? Probably didn’t mean it that way…or maybe? Should I say something back’?

I may have been tempted to return the compliment, but Sue was in the kitchen with me making coffee, and definitely able to hear my end of the conversation. I knew with all the secrecy lately concerning my mystery friend that she would be listening to every word, and trying to fill in the gaps.

“I’ve been thinking,” he said.

“Ouch, that’s dangerous.”

“Yeah, I know, but what my sister said the other day makes sense. So if you wanna come out, why don’t you start with my parents? You can come over one evening and talk to them. They’ll be cool about it, I know they will…and they won’t say anything…so what do you think?”

“Okay,” I said, “I’ll do it if you arrange a day.” It was an offer that I definitely couldn’t refuse after threatening to come out at school, but after formally agreeing, and knowing that I wouldn’t be able to back out of it, I was already starting to feel nervous.

“I’ll make sure Karen’s there too,” he said, “she can hold your hand if you want.” He giggled.

“I’d rather hold your hand or something else even.” I glanced at Sue, who had her back to me, hoping that she hadn’t overheard.

“My parents are quite understanding, but not that understanding,” he said laughing. “Maybe when we’re alone, though.”

“Really! You know I’ll keep you to that.”

“Of course really, I’m not a monk you know. Do you think that I don’t think about sex as much as you do?”

“Yes.”

“Well you’re wrong, I think about it all the time.”

“All the time? That’s a lot!”

“Well, maybe not all the time, but as much as you.”

“That is all the time,” I assured him.

“Oh…really?”

“Pretty much.”

“Wow…me too then, and…I wanna be with you…you know…in that kinda way…soon, okay?”

“You do?” I said, my voice was trembling and I had to swallow hard. I could hear Sue asking me if I wanted a drink, and I turned towards her to shake my head in annoyance.

‘My boyfriend’s telling me that he wants to have sex with me, and she’s asking if I want a cup of bloody tea. Go away please’.

“Yes,” he said, “soon.”

“How soon?”

“Very soon.”

“I can probably be there in about twenty minutes by cab,” I said, as my confidence returned, on the back of a joke, as usual. We both laughed, but Sue wasn’t amused, and walked towards me, looking ready to pounce the moment I hung up.

“We’ll have to talk about this another time,” he said, “I’m not alone anymore.”

“Neither am I.”

“I didn’t think so.”

“Yeah.”

“So I guess I’ll see your handsome boat race² at lunch tomorrow?” he said.

“Ha, did I teach you that one?”

“Yes, of course, I’m a quick learner.”

“I bet you are, I’ll have to test you next time.”

“Will it be an oral exam?” he said.

I looked towards Sue and coughed. “I hope so,” I said, “I have to go now…I need a hot bath.”

“Think of me while you’re…you know…splashing about and stuff.”

“Of course,” I said, walking into the dining room, to get as far away from Sue as possible. “But it’s not your boat race that I’ll be thinking of…it’s your Hampton!”

“Hampton³, what does that mean?”

“Guess,” I said, “or look it up.”

“Tell me now!”

“No.”

“You’re mean.”

“I know…but there’s something else,” I said, whispering as quietly as I could.

“What?”

“I love you too!”