The Cockney Canuck - 5. Chapter 5 Grieving and Believing

It was the second week of December and while outside it was cold, and miserable, in the confines of Tom’s single divan it was cramped, warm, and sweaty.

I woke up in much the same position that I had fallen asleep in the night before; wedged between the wall and my best friend. I was now seriously beginning to question Tom’s claims that he was heterosexual. Once again, he was all over me, stuck to me like a leach. I was on my side facing the wall with him behind; his arm hanging over my shoulder and his foot wrapped around my leg. I could feel his chest moving against my back as he breathed and his breath against my neck.

Unlike the previous day, we didn’t have to rush off to school. Mr Jenkins had excused Tom so that he could stay at home and look after me, and that was exactly what he was doing, although I was sure that this wasn’t what our head-teacher had in mind.

I was wide-awake and admiring Tom’s stray hand. I had never paid much attention to it before but this had obviously been an oversight. I concluded that there was no part of his body that I didn’t like, he was gorgeous all over, every bit of him and he was lying next to me naked, but for a pair of scanty cotton briefs. If this had been any other day then I would have been the happiest person alive.

The events of the previous day though, hung over me like a dark shroud, smothering everything and leaving me with a dull and unrelenting pain. I had been awake for much of the night, thinking about what had happened.

I got through it mostly with help from Tom, but the memories would haunt me forever. Now I faced a fresh challenge. This would be the first day of my life without her and the future, which had once looked so predictable, was now uncertain. With my mom gone, I was now her brother’s responsibility and he would be arriving with his wife later that day to take charge.

At least I wouldn’t have to go back to that dreaded hospital anymore, which was a relief. It had taken a lot out of me both emotionally and physically, and now I felt drained and in need of attention. The boy lying next to me had done a pretty good job so far, but for the next couple of weeks, I would have to sleep on my own again. Don and Sue would be staying at the apartment, and I would have to go back there for the duration of their visit.

Once again, nothing had happened between us after Tom had joined me in bed the night before, but he had held me close all night and that was all that I had wanted. He was now more than just a close friend, and I wanted to take that next, all-important step and be able to love him in the way that I had always dreamed of, but never thought possible. I had admitted to liking him and that would have scared the crap out of most straight guys, but it hadn't stopped him from jumping into bed with me. Other boys would have preferred to sleep on broken glass rather than share a bed with a gay friend, and that was why I was having so much trouble working him out. After showing my hand, I wouldn’t have blamed him for keeping a respectable distance between us, but he went and did the exact opposite.

He was almost suffocating me with affection, nuzzling his face into the back of my neck, and every now and then, he would let out a cute low-pitched whine from the back of his throat. Had it come from anyone else it would have been annoying, but I found it pleasurable and reassuring like a cat purring in my ear.

If I moved backwards an inch or two, I could feel Tom's morning wood poking me in the back, barely constrained by his underwear. It was bad luck I suppose, that just when it looked as if my fantasy would come true, my world had suddenly collapsed before my eyes, putting everything on hold. I had wanted Tom more than anything but now I wasn’t sure if it was right for me to even be thinking of such a thing at that time.

The conflicting emotions had me battling for some kind of normal feeling that I could understand. I had never experienced grief before and I had never experienced the kind of feelings that I had for Tom before either. It felt as if I was being dragged in two different directions at the same time, like a tug of war.

As I lie there tormented, I felt Tom tense up behind me before relaxing with a long sigh. He was awake and I was expecting him to feel a little embarrassed after finding himself in such an intimate position, with a friend who he now knew for certain was gay. I could feel him inching away from me as much as the bed would allow, then he lifted his arm and rolled onto his back to take up a less compromising position. Not wanting to embarrass him, I waited until he had reached his comfort zone before stirring.

“How are you feeling?” he said softly.

“Better,” I replied. “Thanks to you.”

“But I didn’t do anything,” he said.

"You were here Tom and that's all that matters."

“Well, I’m glad you’re a little better than yesterday. You can just rest today.”

“No,” I said, “I have to be ready for my uncle and aunt, they’ll be here about midday. I don’t think I can sleep anymore anyway.”

“But you can take it easy. I’m supposed to be looking after you, remember?”

“Yeah, and you’re doing a good job; thanks for sleeping with me last night Tom.”

I could feel him sitting up and turned onto my back to look up at him. “Robbie,” he said, “you’ve got to promise that you won’t ever say that to anyone else. They wouldn’t understand. It sounds fucking bent, you know.”

I stared at him unsure of what to say. Maybe I was being over-sensitive, but his comments hurt my feelings and rolled over again to face the wall with a sniffle as more tears began to well up. “You can stop worrying Tom, I’m not gonna fucking say anything.”

“What’s wrong? I didn’t mean anything bad by it, I just don’t want…you know. They would think that we were….”

“Yeah, I get it. We wouldn’t want anyone thinking that would we?”

"No," he said, and he turned over and moved away slightly so that we were no longer touching.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I was out of order, you didn’t deserve that. You’ve been really good to me.” I kept my face to the wall to try to hide my tears from him but I guess he could hear me sniffling.

“You're not out of order,” he said. I could feel him leaning over me propped up on his elbow, he was trying not to touch me but in that small bed, it was impossible. “I don’t blame you for being angry either. I just wanted to help…. Maybe I should back off a bit?”

“I don’t want you to back off; I’m enjoying all the affection. It can be a bit frustrating at times, that’s all. I don’t expect you to understand, it just is.”

More tears had brought more mess and I was trying unsuccessfully to wipe my face with my hands and arms. It seemed that I no longer had any control over my emotions; I could be bawling my eyes out one minute and laughing the next. It didn’t make any sense to me; I had never been like that before.

Seeing my discomfort Tom, forever the gentleman had jumped out of bed and returned lightning quick with a cloth for me to wipe my face. It was the vest that I had been wearing the day before, but I gladly accepted it, feeling embarrassed by the sudden show of emotion. “Thanks,” I said. “I don’t know why that happened.”

“I do,” he said. “You lost your mom, Robbie. I can’t even imagine what that must feel like, I would be devastated. Don’t feel bad about crying…everyone cries.” He was right, everybody does cry, but when each bout of tears subsided, the pain was still there, simmering away beneath the surface and waiting for the next opportunity to drag me down. Tom was the only one capable of taking my mind off what had happened, he couldn’t stop the pain but he could make it more bearable.

It was just after eight and with the curtains drawn, Tom’s room was still quite dark. It wouldn’t be much better outside and I could hear the sound of rain spitting against the window. It would be a good day to stay in bed if we could, but I knew that Tom’s mom wouldn’t allow us to sleep any later than nine. She had taken the day off work so that she could be there when my aunt and uncle arrived and I could hear her barking instructions to Hannah who obviously hadn't gone to college. We weren't going to get much time on our own that morning, but at least we weren't be hounded out of bed like the day before.

“Doesn’t it worry you, having to live with people you don’t know?” he asked.

“Of course, what do you think? I’d rather stay here,” I said, “I don’t wanna go back to the apartment.”

“Are you gonna go back with them…to Canada?”

“I don’t want to.”

“But you’ll have to, right?”

I nodded, unable to bring myself to confirm it verbally to him that I would be leaving. There was a long silence as tears rolled down my cheeks again, spilling onto the bed. I tried to hide them from Tom, but I couldn’t stop them.

“What will happen to the apartment?"

“I don’t know,” I said, wiping my eyes again and trying to concentrate on the conversation. “Sell it I suppose.”

“Do you really own that place now?” he asked.

“I think so, but I don’t really want it. I can’t live there anymore and I don’t really want to.”

“Robbie, you're going to be rich.” I couldn’t quite share Tom’s enthusiasm, although I was sure that he didn’t mean to be disrespectful. I would have gladly given up every penny, if it meant that I could have my mom back. “Sorry, I know that you don’t really want to be thinking about that at this moment.”

“It’s okay.”

“You could rent it out and then you’ll have somewhere to live when you come back. I could move in with you and we could live together. It’ll be really cool.”

I peeked over at him smiling; he was blushing and trying to avoid my gaze. “Tom we’ve only slept together twice and already you want to marry me?”

“Not in that way stupid. I mean live together as flatmates, not boyfriends.”

“Oh, there you go again getting my hopes up,” I said.

There was a long silence. He was embarrassed. I guess that it was going to take him a while to get used to me talking openly to him like that.

‘I wonder if he really expects me to come back when I’m eighteen. It would be cool to live with him and I don’t care what he says, we would definitely be a couple.

“Robbie.”

“Yes, Tom.”

“How long have you liked me?”

“Since we met I guess.” He looked shocked by this, but I was simply being honest and it felt good to be able to do this.

“You’ve fancied me for five years and never said anything,” he said.

“It isn’t something that you say to your best friend in school. I was sure that if I told you, then you wouldn’t want to be friends with me anymore. I can go up to the prettiest girl in school and ask her out and even if she thinks that I’m a right prick, the worst that will happen is she’ll laugh at me. Nobody’s gonna beat me up over it and my friends aren’t gonna turn their backs on me because of it. If anything, they’ll just think that I’m cool, for having the nerve to ask her out in the first place.”

“You should have trusted me; I wouldn’t have told anyone. And you never know maybe I would have been willing to try it myself.”

“It’s not too late.”

“I have thought about it.”

“I know, but not as much me.” I knew that for certain.

“Probably not but….“

“Definitely not,” I said, interrupting him.

“Do you really like me that much?”

“Yes.”

“I didn’t realise…that’s a bit weird. Are we talking stalking or worse than that? I mean you haven’t got loads of pictures of me on your wall have you?”

“No, not yet. But I wouldn’t mind having some."

“Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to share a bed with you after all,” he said.

“I’m only joking, Tom. I’m not that bad, honestly. But I do think about you a lot, especially when I’m…well you know…doing certain things.”

“Oh my God,” he said. “You think about me when you’re wanking?”

“Only a lot,” I said.

It was the truth although I wasn’t sure what Tom thought about this revelation. He was back to staring at the ceiling and I decided to leave him alone for a bit while I checked the voicemail on my phone. It had been switched off all day yesterday and I now had six messages and a dozen texts. All of them were from friends at school, messages of support and sympathy. Three of the texts were from Cassie and I made a note to call her later that day.

“Robbie?”

“Yes, Tom.”

“If we did fool around together would that make me gay?”

“Definitely.”

‘What am I saying? I don’t need to be that honest’.

“Definitely not,” I said. “It happens all the time, especially with best mates, it’s a kind of male bonding thing, a lot of young blokes do it.”

He laughed. “Does it also give you super human strength and stop you from going bald?”

“Yes…I think so.”

“Bollocks,” he said. “You’re just trying to get me into bed with you.”

I looked over at him, puzzled. “But Tom...oh never mind.”

* * * * *

“Move over,” he said. “It’s freezing out here.” I moved back until I was against the wall and braced myself for contact. Tom’s hands and feet were like ice.

“What took you so long?” he had been gone for ages.

“I had a problem trying to pee,” he said. I gave him a look that demanded further explanation. “I couldn’t get it to behave,” he said. “You know?"

“You had a stiffie?”

“Yeah. What time are you aunt and uncle arriving?”

“About midday, I think.”

“Do you think that they’ll mind if I stay over every night?”

“I don’t think so, my uncle seemed quite nice when I talked to him on the phone.” It wasn’t much to go on, we had only talked twice and both conversations had been difficult for me.

“You don’t really know them at all, do you?” he said.

“No.”

I could see him watching me, but he didn’t say anything. I don’t think that he knew what to do at first. Then he reached over, put his arm around my back and pulled me closer.

“I don’t mind staying with you,” he said. “If your uncle doesn’t mind. I think I can talk my parents into it.”

Tom didn’t work out a lot or play many sports but he was still quite strong and when he locked his arms around me, I knew that I wasn’t going anywhere. It was a nice feeling, he was warm and I was starting to get comfortable being this close to him. I was becoming accustomed to his smell and his touch. At least I had stopped the tears; I didn’t want to cry over him, which would have been nasty. I didn’t need to worry about that because Tom had already taken the initiative and was gently wiping my face with my already soiled vest. I sighed and nuzzled my face into his neck. I pulled my head back from his soft neck resisting the urge to kiss him and rested it on the pillow so that we were facing each other, close enough for our noses to touch.

“Feeling better now?” he asked.

I nodded and it took all of my courage to look him in the eyes. Rarely had I been this close to Tom’s face before and I felt privileged as if it was a special honour to be allowed this near. I wanted to thank him and I almost did, before realising how un-cool that would sound. I took my time carefully studying and admiring his features. He had a very boyish face with big dark brown eyes that demanded attention and a wide mouth that generally curved upwards forming the most adorable of smiles. His spongy red lips had been captivating me for years and sometimes when I looked at him they were all that I could see. Tom had his flaws like everyone else. He was never happy with his teeth, he had a mole on his cheek and a few dark rings around his eyes, but when you put all these together, he was still gorgeous.

His long mouth and big eyes enabled him to pull a million different faces, but the expression that I saw on his face at that moment was unlike anything that I had seen before. My heart was pounding and my stomach felt as if it was tied in knots. My body tingled with every tiny contact that I made with his velvet skin as we pressed our bodies together. It wasn’t enough for me, I needed him even closer, I wanted to absorb his whole body into mine like a sponge and never let him go. My expression was begging him to do something and I felt his warm breath on the side of my face as he inched closer and gently brushed his soft lips against mine.

‘He kissed me! Tom just kissed me on the lips’.

It was actually more like just touching lips than a kiss, but his intentions were clear. I focused on him and smiled as our lips connected again and this time we kissed properly for maybe half a minute or so, before pulling apart and anxiously watching each other waiting for a verdict. After a few seconds, Tom’s worried expression turned into an alluring smile. I licked my mouth in anticipation and he closed his eyes as our lips smacked together this time a lot more forceful and passionate. I felt his tongue against mine and instinctively began sucking hard on it as it entered my mouth. It was clumsy, messy and at times not very gentle. We had bashed our teeth together more than once and dribbled down each other’s faces, but it was still the best ten minutes of my young life.

It was my first ever proper kiss and all I could think of at the time was how pleased I was that it had been with Tom. He was and always will be my childhood sweetheart and the adorable, saucy look that he gave me when we finally eased apart, will live with me forever. He had the biggest smile on his face that I had ever seen and his usual pale complexion had turned a rosy red as he caught his breath and looked at me in a way that he had never done before.

I felt so happy I was almost delirious, yet at the same time inside me, the pain from grieving was still there. I don’t think that I really understood any of those powerful feelings that washed over me at the time like tidal waves, I just took every minute as it came and hoped that I would make it through.

I had wanted to carry on and take it a step further and I think that Tom wanted that too, judging by the way that his hands were all over me. That step, which a short time ago had seemed too big to climb, now looked like it wouldn’t pose a problem. There was no way that it was going to end like this. There was so much more that we had to try and now that we had breached the initial barrier, everything else would fall into place in a natural progression. I was certain of it.

“Robbie.”

“Yes, Tom.”

“If we did decide to fool around, then what do we actually do. I mean I get what you're supposed to do with a girl, or at least I think I do, but what would you…I mean…would you want to have sex or something? Because I’m not sure how.”

“Up until a few minutes ago I had never even kissed anyone,” I said. “At least you’ve had some experience; I mean you’ve had sex with a girl before right?”

He shook his head. “No, not properly anyway.”

I was a bit surprised by that admission; I had always believed that he had lost his virginity to Lucy Tucker on our school trip to the Isle of Wight. I mean everyone else did, except for me of course.

“But what about Lucy…?”

“Lucy Tucker,” he said cutting me off. “I tried it on with her, but she wouldn’t let me. I’m sorry; I lied when I said that we did it.”

“Well it was probably for the best,” I said. “I mean Lucy’s a nice girl but.”

“No, she’s not, she’s a grot bag!”

“She’s a bit of a grot bag, yeah.” I hadn't a clue what that meant, but it seemed to suit her. I had been intensely jealous of her at the time and hated her. Now I hated her even more for turning down my Tom. She must have been crazy to say no to the hottest boy in school. Her loss my gain.

“She got me to finger her though,” he said.

‘That’s disgusting’.

“And she got off too, but she wouldn’t do the same for me. I only wanted her to give me a hand job.”

‘Oh my god Tom, I would definitely do that for you, if only you would give me the chance’.

“Remember, girls are okay Tom, but they’re nothing like the real thing.” He laughed with me as I put my arm across his chest and kissed his smooth neck.

There was a knock on the door and then another one.

“It’s your mom,” I said, as I scrambled off him. Her timing was impeccable as usual. We turned our heads to look at each other and immediately started giggling.

“Tom, Robbie! Are you awake?” She wasn’t going to go away until we were out of bed. It was something that I wasn’t going to miss about Tom’s house. You never get to have to lie in.

“Wait a minute mom, I’m just getting dressed,” he said. It bought us a few more seconds, which was enough time for me to get under the covers that lay on top of the deflated airbed, laughing to myself at the sight of Tom, struggling with an erection that wasn’t ready to go away. He clumsily covered it with his gown before opening the door to greet his mom, looking slightly dishevelled “What’s the matter?”

“I just wanted to make sure that you're up,” she said. I had to bite my lip to stop myself from laughing.

‘He’s up alright’.

“Is Robbie okay?”

‘I was until you knocked’.

“I think so,” he said.

I didn’t want her fussing over me, asking me how I was, so I pretended to be asleep when she looked in.

“Why is he sleeping on the airbed now?” she whispered loudly. “Wasn’t he in your bed last night?”

‘Oops’.

“He wanted to swap over in the night,” Tom said. “He prefers sleeping on the airbed.” It was the best that he could come up with I suppose.

“It’s got no air in it; he’s sleeping on the floor. Be nice to him Tom, he’s been through a lot, he needs you right now.“

‘She’s right about that’.

“Robbie wants me to stay over at his house with him, while his family are here,” he said. “Is it okay?”

“I thought that the two of you would have seen enough of each other lately.”

“I think he needs me, mom,” Tom said, and then I heard him whisper. “He was crying this morning.”

“Oh, poor boy.” If his uncle doesn't object then I guess it’ll be okay for you to stay with him for a couple of weeks. “You’ll need to look after him though.”

“Don’t worry mom, I’ll look after him. I’ll do whatever he wants,” said Tom.

* * * * *

We were waiting downstairs for ages nervously pacing the floor before Tom’s sister Hannah noticed a black taxi pulling up. They were much later than expected, but they were here and I left Tom to open the door, while I tried to grab a quick peek at them through the front window. Tom opened the door at the first knock and there was a little confusion at first as Sue naturally mistook him for me. They had seen recent photographs of me that I had sent to them by email, and it was Don who worked it out.

“You must be Tom,” he said and Tom nodded and smiled at him.

‘Here goes, just be yourself’.

“I’m Robbie,” I said, as I summoned up every bit of self-confidence that I had and walked down the hall to greet them both.

“Of course you are,” he said as he shook my hand. “But you’re a lot different from the little boy that we knew.” Tom took their suitcases as I turned to face Sue.

“So you still can’t remember us eh,” she said. “Well I can remember you honey” and as she said this she grabbed me and pulled me in for a hug. She patted me on the back and kissed my cheek, then held onto my shoulders to study my face with a gentle loving smile. I didn’t encourage her by smiling back, I had bad news to tell them and I wanted to get it over with a quickly as possible. I thought briefly about how Mr Jenkins had told me yesterday and how upset he had been himself. It wasn’t an easy job being the messenger and I hated myself at that moment.

We filed into the living room and Tom introduced them to his mom and sister who were already preparing tea for everyone. They made them welcome, took their coats and sat them down at the dining table. All the time Sue kept studying my face and I think that she was beginning to understand what had happened from my expression and body language.

“The last time we saw you, Robbie, you were waving goodbye to us at Toronto airport crying your eyes out,” said Don.

“I haven’t changed much then,” I said as I sat down opposite holding my head in my hands.

‘I knew that I wasn’t going to be able to do this’.

Tom took the seat next to me and reached under the table to hold my hand, as I let out the first of a series of random sobs. His mom came over and stood behind me resting her hand on my shoulder.

“Robbie needs to tell you something,” She said, “don’t you dear?“ I could feel Tom gently squeezing my hand to encourage me.

“What is it honey?” said Sue, her voice low and filled with concern. She had read the situation perfectly; I guess it wasn’t that difficult. I looked at her across the table with tear-filled eyes.

“We’re too late aren’t we?” she said.

“Oh no,” said Don almost at the same time.

“My mom died yesterday,” I said looking at them both.

I heard Don let out a big sigh and a groan and then he went silent and closed his eyes for a while as if he were praying.

I let go of Tom’s hand as Sue reached over the table to put her hands over mine. “I’m so sorry Robbie.” Underneath the table, Tom kept his hand high on the inside of my thigh and gave it a gentle squeeze, causing me to turn my head and smile at him from my tear stained face.

* * * * *

That evening Tom’s dad Stan drove Don, Sue, Tom and I over to the apartment where we would be living for the next couple of weeks. Don and Sue had agreed right away when I had asked them if Tom could stay. They could see how close we were and I noticed Sue, in particular, paying us close attention. Nobody in Tom’s family seemed bothered by the sometimes over affectionate and touchy friendship that we had developed. They had become used to seeing the two of us wedged into one armchair to watch TV together and it never concerned them when Tom would randomly put his arms around my waist to give me a swift hug. It probably would have looked a little odd to anyone who didn’t really know us, but there really wasn’t anything else in it at the time. We were just good friends, without any hang-ups and not frightened to show our affection for each other, even if this wasn’t always understood for what it was by people outside of Tom’s family.

“He’s been a good friend to you hasn’t he?” said Don. I was in my room making up our beds ready for my first night back home when Don had come in to have a little private chat.

“You mean Tom, yeah he’s been brilliant,” I said, “The whole family has been good to me.”

“I can see that,” he said, “You’ve been lucky to have such good friends. But you do know that you can’t stay there forever don’t you?”

“Of course,mum” I said.

“And you can’t stay here on your own either”

“I know that.”

“I know that we’ve talked on the phone, but I need to be sure that you’re still focused on moving in with us in Canada.”

“My mom told me that when she died, you would become my legal guardian or something,” I said. “It was written in her will right?”

“That’s correct Sue and me are responsible for you now, until you turn eighteen.”

“So I don’t really have a choice about where I live then do I?”

Don looked serious as he thought about what I had just said. “No actually you don’t have a great deal of choice, but neither does anyone else if you think about it.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Does Tom have a choice about where he lives? Nobody gets to choose their family Robbie or where they live. It’s something that is always decided for us. I realise that Sue and I are strangers to you, but we’re your family and we’re the only family that you have now. Your mom asked us if we would look after you when she died and we agreed to do that. We wanted to do that for her.”

“I know all this,” I said, “she already told me.”

“Well then you should also understand that we’re not going to move over to England to do this. We have a good life in Canada and we want you to be a part of it. It will be a big move for you just like it was for your mother and me, but I know that you’re going to love it there. It’s what Elizabeth wanted. We’ll handle everything for you, all you need to do is get yourself over there or rather let me know when you can go and I’ll buy you a ticket.”

I knew that Don would never allow me to stay in England on my own and I couldn’t stay at Tom’s house forever either. I wasn’t exactly looking forward to going but when the time came, I would do it. I smiled at Don. “I suppose I’ll get used to it.”

He smiled back and put his hand on my shoulder. “It will work out for the best Robbie” he said “believe me it will.” There was a long silence and I stared down at the floor. I had a lot of things that I needed to ask him.

“What about your kids?” I asked him. “How do they feel about me living there?”

“Well naturally it will take a while to get to know each other, but you don’t need to worry about them. They’re good kids and they’re looking forward to meeting you.”

I wasn’t entirely convinced about that, but I tried not to think too much about it either. I didn’t need any more things to worry about. I had my mom’s funeral to get through first and I was about to throw myself into an intense same sex relationship with my long time best friend.