“Stop…no…please…get off me.”

‘It’s Nathan and I’m dreaming’.

“Ha, you’re tickling…stoppit.”

‘Am I dreaming’?

“Amy please, stoppit!”

‘It’s real’.

I lifted my head from the pillow and tried to focus, but could only draw a blank as I struggled to regain consciousness long before my brain was ready. I wasn’t dreaming. It was Nathan’s voice that woke me from my slumber and when I heard Amy screeching I understood why.

He was in trouble pleading with my little cousin to leave him alone. I could feel his pain and I wanted to help, but I knew that once I left the safety of the bedroom, it would be impossible for me to go back to bed. Amy wouldn’t allow it, and neither, I suspected would Nathan. There was little point in us both suffering when only one of us could be saved, so I pulled the duvet over my head to block out the noise and left my boyfriend at the mercy of his tormentor.

‘He’s a drama queen anyway’.

It was his fault why I was so tired. His naughty games kept us in the shower much longer than I expected, making a mockery of my original calculations. He was a quick learner, with an appetite for sex and a desire to please. It was hard to believe we had only been doing it for a week. At first, I thought I would have to coax him, but now he was difficult to contain, and in the shower, he had been the one making most of the plays. It was daylight when we finally crept into our beds, damp, worn-out, and light-headed, after spending more than an hour under the spray. The hot water outlasted us both and the shower proved a valuable asset by masking any embarrassing sounds.

Those cute moans of pleasure were not dissimilar to the groans of discomfort that woke me up for the second time that morning. They were accompanied by the unmistakable sound of bed springs, tested to their limit. It could have been a soundtrack to a porn video, and it actually sounded quite hot, until I heard Amy’s laughter over the top. It killed my boner instantly and I shook my head, disgusted my mind was able to turn something so innocent into a sex scene.

It was still only eight-thirty and I was asleep for less than half-an-hour, but it sounded as if Nathan had given up trying to subdue Amy. Probably hoping that she would lose interest and look elsewhere. He was clutching at straws and should have known better.

Amy had a lot of love at her disposal, but it was balanced with a streak of devilry which if allowed to go unchecked, made her almost impossible to control, and now that Prince Charming was back in town, she was unlikely to let him go. After all, Nathan was her favourite and when he visited, everyone else had to take a back seat. It suited me because I would have been next in line for her attention. His presence in the house got me off the hook, but it was also a reminder of my place in the pecking order. Being an understudy to boy wonder in the next room, was nothing to be ashamed of, but Amy was my favourite cousin. I should have been pleased for the rest, but there was a tinge of jealousy about the way she focused her attention on Nathan. It confirmed what I already knew; it was going to be impossible to keep pace with him. He had me well-beat in every department.

Despite the excitement of the past twenty-four hours, the feeling of dread soon returned. The feeling that this happiness wasn’t going to last. My love for him was becoming stronger, yet every day it seemed he would find another way of putting me in the shade. He wasn’t doing it on purpose; he was just better than me. While my body still pleaded for rest, my tired mind had settled into a familiar pattern of worrying and it wasn’t going to allow me to go back to sleep.

‘I should go and save him before she damages something useful’.

I pulled my aching frame out of bed and checked myself in the mirror. My eyes were red—nothing I could do about that—so I brushed my hair and practiced a smile. A few hours earlier Nathan had enjoyed wrapping his tongue around every inch of me, yet I still felt as if I somehow needed to impress him. Like it was going to shock him if I didn’t comb my hair before leaving the bedroom.

Before opening the door, I glanced towards Daniel. He was still fast asleep and looking as if he had been in a fight with his duvet. As expected, he had slept right through my night-time antics with his best friend, blissfully unaware of what we were doing on the other side of that wall, just a few feet from his bed. I would never be able to use that shower again without thinking of it.

“I hope my screams didn’t disturb your beauty sleep this morning,” said Nathan as I announced myself in the family room with a warm smile. I was pleased when Amy jumped off the sofa-bed and ran over to give me a quick hug. It was her way of saying good morning and she was the only one in family permitted to get that close.

I kissed her on the forehead, before turning to Nathan. “No, actually, I slept like a baby. Having problems?”

“Only lots,” he said, as Amy jumped back on the bed. “But I’m fine, don’t worry about me.” He pushed her off and she squealed before launching another attack.

It was easy to see why Amy dotted on this boy. Nathan provided a soft target for her and despite his complaints, he looked as if he was enjoying it as much as she was. Leaving himself wide open to attack and even encouraging her to do so by matching her exploits with his own brand of childish humour. It was a lot less one-sided than it sounded from the bedroom, and I wasn’t sure which of them was being the most annoying.

“She woke me up at half-past-seven,” he said and I laughed. “It’s not funny, I’ve had hardly any sleep you know.”

“And who’s fault is that, Mr Do it to me again?”

He covered his mouth with his hand pretending to be shocked, but a sexy smile soon broke through. “I don’t know what you’re referring to,” he said, as he reached out to prod Amy who had been momentarily distracted by an advert on TV. “Anyway, you seemed to enjoy yourself.” It was a fair observation and I stifled a laugh as I headed to the bathroom for a pee.

“Amy loves you, Nathan, you should come around more often.”

“Yes,” said Amy, “you can sleep over more.”

If it had been up to me, he would have had his own key. Nathan definitely brought a little colour to the house and it wasn’t just his nail polish. His friendship with Daniel may have cooled off a little over the past year, but the house desperately needed more of him.

I flushed the toilet and smiled at the still wet shower cubicle, before rushing back to the family room. Nathan, forever the gentleman around ladies, was sitting upright in bed and had managed to cover himself with a t-shirt that Daniel had left for him the night before.

“You’re good with kids,” I said.

“I love them…who knows, one day maybe I might even have one of my own?”

It was an unusual statement coming from a fifteen-year-old gay teenager, but he wasn’t joking and it deserved respect.

“Good for you,” I said, “you’d probably make a good father.”

“You think?”

“Sure, why not?” He looked pleased by my compliment, but in truth, he was probably asking the wrong guy. I had no idea what a father was, my memory didn’t go back that far. Don, had no doubt come the closest to filling that role, but despite his best efforts, at fifteen-years-old it was probably too little, too late. I was never going to be able to think of him as my dad and he was never going to be a major influence or role model in my life, in the same way, that he had been for Daniel.

Amy’s incessant talking subsided when I re-joined them, and when I boldly moved to sit on the bed, she made sure to sit between us. I shared a quick glance with my boyfriend and we laughed. Under different circumstances, her presence may have been frustrating, but less than four hours had passed since our steamy session, and I was still basking in the glow. What happened in that shower went beyond anything that I had ever done before, but I enjoyed it and I would do it again.

I wanted to thank Nathan for it, and maybe he was thinking the same thing as he smiled and allowed his eyes to go to work on me. He was so good at it, and I would have had to have been blind not to understand what he was saying. I was hoping that he would be able to read my dreamy reply just as easily, when we were interrupted by someone coming downstairs. I stood up and walked across the room to sit on the couch, as Sue appeared in her dressing gown with instructions for Amy to go upstairs for breakfast. She looked a little surprised to see me up and dressed so early.

“I thought you boys would still be asleep.”

“This little monster made sure I was awake early,” said Nathan, pushing Amy playfully and I was able to confirm his story, explaining that we had probably had about four hours sleep.

Sue was less than sympathetic as she chuckled and gave us some advice. “Well, you should’ve gone to bed a little earlier then, instead of staying up all night playing silly games.”

‘If only she knew’.

“We didn’t stay up all night,” exclaimed Nathan.

“And we weren’t playing games either, we were watching movies,” I said.

“Yes, I know,” she said, “the trailer park thingy.”

I shot Nathan a worried glance and then turned back to Sue for an explanation.

“Don’t worry, I wasn’t spying on you. I got up in the night for a drink and I could hear the television going. It was about three o’clock,” she said, “and you were watching that awful show.”

We would have been in the shower at that time, and I wondered why she hadn’t come down to tell us to go to bed. She had done it before when Daniel and I had been up late watching movies. I was forced to ask her if only to satisfy myself she had no suspicions.

“You don’t need me to tell you when to go to bed,” she said, “you should be able to do that yourself. This might teach you a lesson.” She grabbed Amy’s hand and to take her upstairs.

“Is Nathan coming too?”

“Nathan is welcome to join us for breakfast if he wants to,” said Sue, “but I suspect the boys may want to make the most of some time alone and get a little rest.”

She smiled at us before walking her disgruntled daughter upstairs. A little time alone with Nathan sounded like the perfect way to spend a Saturday morning to me, but I knew that Amy would be trying to set a new world record at woofing down a bowl of fruit loops so that she could get back downstairs.

I don’t think that I had ever seen Nathan looking as subdued and he had a huge yawn, before patting the bed and inviting me to come and sit next to him. I shook my head and laughed; we had, it seemed, only narrowly got away with the crime of the century, anything more would definitely be pushing our luck.

“Why don’t you get in my bed?” I said.

His eyes opened wide at my suggestion. “Err aren’t you forgetting about Daniel? Do you think he’ll be okay waking up to see us in bed?”

“I meant on your own, dickhead.” I laughed at his stupidity but put it down to tiredness. “You can probably grab another couple of hours sleep.” I could tell by his expression that he considered it an attractive proposition and after a little more persuasion, he jumped out of bed and thanked me with a slow kiss. Then my eyes followed his tiny frame and cute little butt—still covered only by those tight briefs—as he hurried to the bedroom to take up my offer. That cute little butt of his had played a starring role in our earlier escapades, which could easily have ended a lot differently if Sue had decided to venture downstairs, instead of going back to bed. The television would have been on, but only Daniel would have been in his bed, with the Nathan and I missing and the shower running. It wouldn’t have taken a lot of working out, and once again I was left counting my blessings.

It would have been nice to have been able to join Nathan in bed that morning if only to hold each other, but I wasn’t going to lose any sleep over it, even if I was actually losing sleep over it. That would be like winning a car and then complaining that you had to fill it up with gas.

As for Amy, she may well have broken that record for eating breakfast, but she had to make do with Nathan’s understudy after I explained that he had gone to sleep in my bed. It was where he had always slept before I arrived, and a place where Amy wasn’t allowed. The boy’s bedroom—for obvious reasons—was strictly out of bounds for an eight-year-old-girl, unless invited in. In Daniel’s case this was never, and although at first, I thought that he was being a little hard on her; there were times when I understood his reasoning. He was the quiet one of the family and that room was his sanctuary where he could escape the madness and live in an organised mess.

It was a pity Nicola, wasn’t able to respect our space in the same way as her younger sister, but she was becoming a little more tolerable of late, and even polite. She appeared later that morning as I sat on the couch, watching cartoons and cuddling a much more subdued Amy, who had her head on my shoulder. Nicola was still in her pyjamas and carrying a basket of laundry when she looked over and smiled.

“Amy, don’t eat Robbie, you don’t know where he’s been." I knew exactly where I had been, but after an hour of soaping and showering, I was as clean as a whistle.

Nicola, on the other hand, looked a little worse for wear as she joined us on the couch. “Where’s Nathan?”

“He’s sleeping,” said Amy, “in Robbie’s bed.” Nicola yawned and turned to me for an explanation.

“He was woken up early by this little mischief maker, so I let him take my.” I stopped when she nodded and made it clear she had heard enough of a story that no longer interested her. She yawned again to emphasise her boredom and turned her attention to her phone, scrolling through her messages. Nicola, although always hungry for a piece of gossip, was equally as quick at letting you know when you were no longer useful. It was something that Sue had pointed out to her in the past, but she saw herself in a different light. She was being honest with people and it was their problem if they didn’t like it.

I had become used to her comments and no longer felt the need to confront her over every remark, and she also now seemed to be a little more accepting of my presence in the family, as if she no longer saw me as a threat to her position. As a consequence, the verbal and sometimes physical confrontations that had been commonplace in the early days had now diminished to a level that could be expected of teenage kids living under the same roof.

Nicola of course, would not have believed me if I had of told her what I had been doing with Nathan in the shower earlier. It was simply too outrageous to be true, and that was enough to put a permanent grin on my face, which even Nicola at her worst would not be able to wipe-off. She turned to look at me with suspicion as I smiled into space, ignoring Amy’s cartoons. Then shook her head in obvious dismay at my unusually jovial mood, before leaving us for the more comfortable proposition of the now available sofa-bed. After instructing Amy to turn the volume down, she climbed under the sheet, grabbed the pillow and went back to sleep.

‘It’s like a game of musical beds in this house.’

Amy, aware of the futility of launching a Nathan style attack against the less receptive and far more formidable Nicola, unsurprisingly decided instead to continue watching cartoons. It was a smart move; her sister looked tired. She had been out with her new boyfriend, and I couldn’t remember her coming in.

‘Maybe she got laid last night’?

I laughed to myself as I tried to imagine her having sex with some poor guy. Barking instructions at him and telling him he was doing it all wrong. It wasn’t something I wanted to dwell on, but if this guy was able to put a smile on her face, then he definitely had my respect.

* * * * *

I arrived at Rory’s house late but well before the highlights of England’s second game at the World Cup in South Africa. The football, although important to Rory wasn’t high up on my list of priorities that day and I spent most of the match thinking about what I was going to say to him afterwards.

Rory was in fine form and unusually talkative, but he hadn’t asked me about the previous night or what it was that I needed to talk to him about, and I didn’t want to ruin the game for him by launching into a long-winded confession.

“Did you see that?” he asked, “that guy just dived, it was so obvious.” Not to me, it wasn’t, I hadn’t seen anything, I wasn’t even looking at the television, which was a difficult thing to do. Rory had a fifty-inch, wide-screen, high-definition, surround sound, entertainment system that seemed to cover the entire wall. I had been to smaller cinemas. His dad would have paid a pretty penny for a set-up like that.

If I had paid to watch that game, though, I would have wanted my money back as England and Algeria played out a dire scoreless draw that was only marginally better than watching paint dry. Those dour games were a bad advert for a sport struggling to get a foothold in North America, where there was always a winner.

Even I was ready to turn my back on my once beloved game in favour of my new sweetheart, baseball. Tom would have considered me a traitor for this, but the game was quickly growing on me, as was the country and the people although I would never admit to either.

“You’re not really watching this are you?” said Rory as the match stumbled towards an unsatisfactory end.

“They’re rubbish, it’s a crap game.”

“Yeah, I know but it’s not the game is it, something’s bothering you?” He was right of course. If the game had been decided by sudden death Russian roulette, it still wouldn’t have grabbed my attention. “You’ve been acting weird since you got here?”

I turned to look at him, studying his delicate features up close. He had little bags under his eyes that I hadn’t noticed before. They were darker than his skin tone, a tiny blemish on an otherwise perfect completion. They did more good than harm; highlighting his vivid blue eyes and I had to concede that as with my boyfriend, even his faults looked good.

“Hello, Robbie. Are you with us?” He was waving his hand in front of my face and I smiled. “I thought we lost you for a minute,” he said. “Are you even listening to me.”

“Sorry mate, what were you saying?”

He shook his head and went back to the game as another optimistic shot on goal flew wildly off target. It would prove to be the final action of a game that must have caused huge problems for the television editors tasked with putting together twenty minutes of match highlights. The only saving grace for us was the fact that we hadn’t had to watch the entire game, but now that it was finished, I was anxious to get on with more important business and I asked him if we could go up to his bedroom.

Before leaving home earlier, I told Nathan that I was going to come out to Rory, and he seemed to think that it was the right thing to do. He was also convinced that after showing my hand, my friend, would open up and confirm what everybody seemed to believe anyway. It was just a matter of telling him, and then everything else would fall into place. It needed to be done and I was more than ready as I sat at the end of his bed waiting for him to come back from the bathroom.

“Can you shut the door?”

“You look kinda rough today,” he said, “are you sick?”

“Only in the head, but thanks for the concern. I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

‘I’m not’!

“We need to talk Rory.” He looked confused as he sat down opposite me on the only chair in the room.

“Okay, that’s what we’re doing.”

“Yeah, well, there’s something that I need to tell you that I probably should have said a long time ago, but I’ve never had the bottle to do so.”

“What bottle?” he asked.

“What do you mean?”

“You said something about a bottle.”

“No, dickhead, I didn’t mean an actual bottle. It’s just a stupid slang word. For fuck’s sake Rory, this is important.”

“I’m sorry okay. Geez, you really are touchy today, are you sure you’re okay?”

“No, I’m gay.”

“Oh, I see. What did you just say?”

“I know that I should’ve told you before, but I was too scared. That’s what I meant by not having the bottle.”

“Is this is a joke?”

“No, Rory. I’m serious, I’ve just outed myself to you”.

“You’re gay…really?”

I nodded and watched him. I was expecting a better response, but he looked surprised. I decided to give him more time. “I like guys instead of girls.”

“I know what it means,” he said quietly and then looked away as he thought about it. “I don’t believe you, you’re having fun with me…what about Fran?”

“Fran? She’s a bloke,” I said, “she’s got a willy.” It was an ill-conceived attempt at humour that backfired when he started to laugh, assuming that it was all a joke. I was forced to backtrack and admit that Fran was indeed a female who I was intimate with, but for all the wrong reasons. He didn’t understand and I didn’t expect him too, I wasn’t sure if I even understood it myself.

“So you broke up with her because you realised that you liked guys instead?”

“Yes, it was kinda like that,” I said. “I mean, I’ve always known, but dating her just confirmed it. You know, there were some things that I just couldn’t do, like when she wanted me to…you know, to do stuff to her, down there.” I pointed to my crotch. “You know, put my tongue there and that kinda stuff.”

“I get it,” he said.

“But I’ve never had a problem putting a dick in my mouth,” I said.

“I didn’t need to know that.”

“Not that I’ve done it a lot of times or anything, but when I have…you know, just a couple of times…then I’ve enjoyed it.”

“ROBBIE, PLEASE,” he shouted jumping up, and covering his ears with his hands. “I don’t need to know this. I wish you hadn’t said that.” He walked across the room and back again looking a little shocked by my comments. “Are you serious…are you really gay?”

“Yes Rory, it’s not a joke and I didn’t mean to embarrass you. It’s just…well, telling you is a weight off my shoulders.”

Rory turned towards the window mumbling to himself and I thought for a moment that I heard him swear as he sat down again and stared at me, perhaps preparing himself for his own long-awaited confession.

“I don’t know what to say,” he said, “I don’t understand. Why are you telling me this?”

“Because you’re my friend Rory, I thought you should know.”

He studied my face in silence and for once it was me who was the more nervous and I found it difficult not to look away. “You’re really not joking are you?” he said.

“No Rory.”

“You’re gay?”

I nodded.

“How long…wait, sorry…that’s a stupid question isn’t it?”

“Very,” I said and smiled hoping that it would help him relax.

“You gotta give me time with this.”

“You can have as much time as you want,” I said, although I was confused by his reaction; it wasn’t what I had been expecting at all. Rory played his cards close to his chest, but he was clearly gay, even Nathan was convinced and there was no longer any reason for him to hide from me. “Well, what do you think?”

“You just told me that I can have as much time as I want?”

“Yes,” I said, “but don’t take all day about it.”

He shook his head in dismay. “What do you want me to say?” he said. “We can still be friends…I mean, I don’t mind. At least I don’t think I do.”

“I know you don’t mind,” I said and stared at him.

“It still doesn’t seem right, though,” he said and smiled for the first time since we entered the room. “You don’t look gay.”

“You mean because I’m not wearing multi-coloured bracelets and skin tight cycle shorts. I left them at home Rory, along with all my other bling.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” I said, “I know you didn’t mean it that way.”

“This is so weird,” he said, but he was starting to look a little more relaxed. “I err....”

“If you have something to tell me, Rory, then this would be a good time.”

“Like what?”

“Anything at all…as a friend.”

He looked at the carpet, and then back at me as if he was trying to remember something.

‘Bloody hell mate, come on. I’ve made this easy for you’.

“Do you want me to give you advice?”

“No, well I dunno if you want to…whatever you want to get off your chest.”

“Well, okay,” he said and I sat up straight and waited for him to finish. “I don’t know what to say…other than…you know…safe sex.”

I stared at him expressionless as he fidgeted in front of me. I think that I was more amused than angry, although my face didn’t show it. Knowing Rory, it had probably been quite difficult for him to say that, and his innocence was kind of cute, but it was a while before I was able to respond.

“Safe sex?” I replied, barely moving my lips.

“Yeah, you know, the stuff they teach us at school, using condoms and stuff.”

“I know what fucking safe sex is Rory,” I said making him flinch. “Sorry mate, it’s just…you, well I wasn’t really expecting that answer.” He looked puzzled by my response and I couldn’t blame him. I was acting like a total jerk and I knew it, but I couldn’t help it. “It’s cool Rory, really it is.”

‘I need to be blunt and just ask him outright’.

“Rory, you can trust me, you know that, don’t you?” He nodded in a way that told me he wasn’t entirely sure. “I know that you’re gay.”

He looked confused but kept his eyes on me during an embarrassingly long silence.

“You think that I’m gay?”

“Are you?”

“No. Why did you think that.”

He must have seen my jaw drop. “Are you sure?”

“Err yes, of course, I’m sure,” he said.

“But…what about that guy?” I pointed towards the poster of Bieber on his wall, demanding an explanation, but he just looked at me as if I was completely mad.

“Does that make me gay?” he asked and I had to stop and think about my reply.

‘According to Nathan it does, but he isn’t here to help me out’.

I knew that it was a stupid accusation and the more that I thought about it, the more I realised that I had little if no actual evidence to support my claim, other than a poster of some teenage boy pop singer.

He looked nervous even by Rory’s standards and I wasn’t helping by trying to probe into his personal life and drag something out that clearly wasn’t there in the first place. I felt ashamed, embarrassed and now a little exposed. My day wasn’t going to plan.

“I’m sorry,” I said, “I just thought that…well, it doesn’t matter.”

“It’s okay,” he said, “I think I get it now.” He ruffled his hair looking frustrated and then glanced at me out of the corner of his eyes. “Is that why you came here today?”

“Well not totally, I came here to watch the game, but it seemed like a good time to tell you…I’ve been trying to say something for ages.”

He turned his head to look straight at me, but his face was blank giving no indication of what he was thinking. “Is this why you wanted to be my friend?” he said.

“What?”

“Do you like me?”

“Yes, Rory, I like you,” I said, “it’s pointless lying about it anymore. But I’m not asking you to fool around or anything.” He shook his head and looked to the floor, his blond fringe falling onto his now red face. I couldn’t see his eyes but he clearly wasn’t comfortable with this news and it made me nervous. “That’s not what I wanted…I wanted to be your friend, that’s all. I swear.”

I reached out to try and touch his arm, in a gesture of friendship and was horrified when he flinched and pulled it away before I could make contact. I stood up, dropping my hands to my side and staring at him. “I should go,” I said. “You obviously think that I’m gonna try and jump you or something.”

“No, don’t,” he said lifting his head to look at me. His eyes were glazed over and he looked close to tears. “It doesn’t matter,” he said.

“What do you mean it doesn’t matter. It fucking matters to me.” He looked at me angrily and I calmed down. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to swear, but it is important because I don’t want you to think that the only reason I wanna be your friend is because you’re….” I stopped myself before I could say anything else, but Rory just sat there waiting for me to finish.

I looked down at him and sighed. “Because you’re cute,” I finished. There was no longer any reason to feel ashamed by it. He may not have liked what I had to say, but it was true, at least in my eyes and I was getting fed up of all the lies.

There was a long silence and I considered walking out, but then he let out a little laugh, it was an awkward chuckle accompanied by a little smile. “You really think that I’m cute?”

“Yes, does it bother you?”

“I don’t really know how I should feel about it.”

“I don’t think there are any rules, but all I said is you’re cute. I’m not in love with you or anything and I’m not asking you to be my boyfriend either.” He laughed when I mentioned the word ‘boyfriend’ but I was being serious. “Some people would take that as a compliment,” I added.

“I’m sorry,” he said, “I guess I’m being a jerk.”

“Only a very big one,” I said and he laughed. “Maybe you should look in the mirror mate. I’m not the only one, everyone thinks you’re cute. Well, every girl anyway.”

“And you,” he smiled.

“Yeah, and me,” I confirmed, “but you have to believe me when I tell you that I’m not interested in you in that way, and that’s not why I came here today. I thought that you were gay and I was wrong, but I needed to know…and it’s not because I wanted to get in your pants. I just needed to clear things up. I guess it’s gonna take a little time before you’re able to accept me. I understand that.”

“I do accept you, Robbie, I’m just a bit confused right now, okay? I thought that you were coming over to watch the game. I wasn’t expecting anything like this.”

“Look, I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry,” he said, “I really am.”

“What for, you’ve done nothing to be sorry about?”

“I’m sorry that I’m not gay Robbie, and for hurting you.”

“Rory, what the fuck? What is it with you Canadians? You don’t need to be sorry all the time, and you definitely don’t need to be sorry for not being gay. That’s ridiculous. I’m not sorry to you for not being straight am I?”

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

“Whatever. Look, you didn’t break my heart if that’s what you think, because I already have someone. A friend. A close friend. I’m already seeing someone.”

“You mean…a guy?”

“I think so,” I said, “at least the last time I looked he was.” He seemed surprised at first, but it didn’t take long for him to work it out and I guess the penny dropped at the same time as his jaw.

“Is it Nathan, the guy we met last night?”

“Are you shocked?”

“Yes…well no, not really. I dunno though…maybe.”

“You’d make a good politician; you know that?” He laughed but wasn’t about to let me off the hook that easy.

“So you and Nathan…are?”

“Yes.”

“You mean you’re?”

“Uh huh.”

“How long?”

“A couple of months.”

“What about Daniel does he know?” I shook my head and he dropped his eyes. “Oh, I see.”

“Yeah.”

“I won’t say anything,” he said, “Not to anyone.”

“I know that Rory, that’s why I told you. So as cute as you are, I’m afraid I’m already taken.”

Knowing that I already had a partner helped persuade Rory that I wasn’t trying to hit on him, and alleviate some of the guilt he was feeling for not being gay, but I was convinced I had made a big mistake by coming out to him. My confession only made things more difficult and put our friendship in jeopardy.

By his own admission, it was going to take him a little time to get used to the idea, and he was very subdued when I left his house.

“Guess who’s coming to dinner tonight?” I said, trying to lift the conversation as he opened the door for me.

“Nathan?”

“No, stupid. Mr Andrews.”

“Oh yeah,” he said, “I remember now. I thought that maybe you were having a romantic meal together or something?” It was so out of character for Rory to be sarcastic, and I decided to let that comment go, rather than say something that I would probably regret, but it hurt me.

I don’t know why I felt so bad; maybe it was because I was still tired from the lack of sleep the night before, or maybe I was worried about losing Rory as a friend. Whatever it was; it felt as if I had been kicked in the stomach and I was nearly sick on the bus ride home.

I must have looked as bad as I was feeling because Sue—convinced that I had caught some kind of bug—sent me off to bed to rest up before the dinner guests arrived. It didn’t go down well with Nicola who eyed me with suspicion and accused me of faking it so that I didn’t have to help out. Whenever the Taylor family entertained, all leave would be cancelled and she and Daniel had both been commandeered and assigned various chores, while I took advantage of the situation to catch some up with some much-needed sleep.

I had complained of a headache and Sue relinquished her apron to play nurse for a while, bringing me aspirin and closing the blinds in the bedroom, as I stripped down to my briefs and jumped into bed.

“You’ll feel better after a sleep, honey. I’ll wake you when they get here,” she said after her trusty thermometer had revealed nothing untoward and confirmed Nicola’s suspicions. Then she ushered a disgruntled looking Daniel out of the room with instructions to leave me on my own and lay the table for dinner.

“He’s just tired, that’s all,” said Daniel as he walked out and I could hear him complaining to his mom after closing the door. I was rarely in Daniel’s bad books, but that day was proving an exception and in the morning, it had seemed as if he was deliberately avoiding me.

‘He needs to grow up’.

Daniel hadn’t been in the best of moods after Nathan and I had teamed up to make fun of the horror movies that we were supposed to be taking seriously. It wasn’t done to annoy him and he could have joined in if he had chosen to, but I got the feeling that he felt a little left out. It was inevitable I suppose, that this would happen. Nathan and I shared the same sense of humour, and developed a rapport between us that must have seemed quite odd for two guys who were not really friends.

I had been happy at first to take a back seat and keep out of their conversation, which seemed to focus mostly on things that had happened in the past, almost like a friend’s reunion. As their conversation ran dry, and with Nathan still buzzing from his performance, it wasn’t long before we settled, almost instinctively, into what had become a very comfortable routine, pushing Daniel out of the picture.

I didn’t expect him to dwell on it; Daniel had a full life to keep him busy and his friendship with Nathan was, in reality, long since passed its sell-by date, and maybe even hanging by a thread. I knew that eventually, it would all start to make sense to him, although it seemed unlikely that this news would be well-received, and after getting it so wrong with Rory I was more determined than ever to keep my guard up with Daniel.

I turned in my bed and buried my face in the pillow. There was a definite Nathan smell still there from that morning; an unexpected bonus that reminded me of how lucky I still was. I would need to keep my boyfriend happy because, with Rory no longer available for selection, I had lost my only backup plan.