The Cockney Canuck - 66. Chapter 66 Mind Games

“Are you thirsty Robbie?”

“No!”

“How are you feeling now?”

“I feel sick.”

The middle-aged Indian doctor shared a worried glance with the young female nurse, but I already knew that I was in a bad way and I wanted to go back to my dream.

“Are you still feeling dizzy?” he asked.

“Yes…I don’t wanna talk. Leave me alone!” I rolled onto my side and closed my eyes. I was still tired and sleep seemed to be the only way to escape the constant, throbbing pain in my head. The doctor though had other ideas, which I didn’t like.

“We don’t want you to go back to sleep just yet,” he said. “I know that you feel tired but it’s important that you stay awake for a while so that we can do some tests, do you understand?”

I grunted a reply and rolled onto my back again, restless and irritable. I didn’t know why it was so important to stay awake when my body was clearly saying the opposite and telling me that I needed to rest. I groaned and opened my eyes; the lights were bright and making me dizzy.

“Robbie! Can you sit up for me?” It was more of an instruction than a question, and between him and the nurse, they were able to ease me gently up the bed until I was sitting upright. The nurse was on my right, holding my arm and propping a pillow behind my back. Her name was Lorna from Belleville, Ontario. She was had recently transferred from a hospital in Kingston to be near her boyfriend who lived in Cobourg. She had been telling me her life story and talking nonstop after I was placed in her charge at the Emergency Care Unit at the Northumberland Hills Hospital on the edge of Cobourg.

I had been taken unconscious by ambulance, after somersaulting down the bottom flight of stairs at school, and although my injuries were mostly superficial, there was one that was causing the doctors particular concern. At some point during my chaotic tumble, I had hit the side of my head, just above my right ear, leaving me with a severe concussion. It was by far the most serious of my injuries, and as a precaution, I was being kept in overnight for observation. The only physical evidence of this was a large bump on my cranium, but my early signs and behaviour had raised a lot of red flags.

The doctor had explained it to me in layman’s terms. “You were unconscious for twenty minutes, which is quite a long time. Your brain has had a little knock and the dizziness and feeling sick are symptoms of a concussion. It’s a common injury and it’s probably nothing to worry about, but we wanna be sure that it’s nothing more serious, so we gonna keep you here overnight.” Admittedly, I was drowsy and had a thumping headache, but it sounded to me as if he was just covering the bases. He had no more of an idea than I did as to the extent of the damage, and was unlikely to stray from the official cue card unless presented with undeniable evidence to the contrary. I knew that doctors nowadays weren’t allowed to give professional opinions for fear getting it wrong and leaving their employers liable for damages and a seven figure lawsuit.

The good news was that despite landing heavily on my left knee and bashing my elbows, ankle, and wrist, I had no broken bones. I made up for it in bruises though and had cuts on my knee, arm, and on the inside of my mouth. Apparently, the blow to my head had caused me to bite down heavily on my cheek. It was a deep cut and there was a lot of bleeding, which when added to cut on my head had exaggerated the injury, making it appear more serious than it was. I guess people focus on blood, and there was enough of mine spilt at the bottom of those stairs to turn it into a crime scene, but the paramedics had been quick to spot the tell-tale signs of a more dangerous concussion.

I had heard the term used plenty of times on sports programmes, mostly referring to football or hockey players in North America and rugby players in the UK. They generally made a quick recovery though, and up until then, I had never considered it a potentially serious problem. The doctor had told me that rest was the key to recovery, but he had also asked me to stay awake, and I pointed this contradiction out to him. If anything, it seemed to prove to me that despite his caution and the throbbing bump on the side of my head, I was still able to think straight.

“It’s not for long,” he said, “we just need to keep an eye on you for a little while, that’s all. Then you can sleep all you want.” I shouldn’t have bothered, ‘not for long’ and ‘a little while’ could mean anything at all, and when he left the room, I turned my attention to Lorna, who was applying a bandage to my ankle.

“I don’t wanna stay here tonight, can’t I go home instead?”

“Sorry…doctor’s orders.”

“But there’s nothing wrong with me. I just need to rest like he said. I don’t like these places.”

“You can rest here, but we need to watch you,” she said. “And these places aren’t all bad, hospitals save lives, Robbie.”

I knew otherwise. No hospital could have saved my mom. As far as I was concerned, I had every right to dislike these places, and even though it wasn’t the hospital’s fault that she had died it was an experience that had left me scarred for life. It wasn’t the fault of the doctors and nurses either; they had tried their best to alleviate as much of the pain as possible both for my mom and for me. Nurse Alice, in particular, had been an inspiration to me. Watching her and her colleagues dealing with death and tragedy every day, gave me a better understanding of how difficult their job was, and they had earned my respect ten times over. They were special people in my book and Lorna seemed to be from the same mould, it was just unfortunate for her that she had been landed with me.

“I had a bad experience not so long ago,” I said, but she didn’t ask for details and I didn’t want to give her any.

“This is a good hospital, the staff here are nice,” she said.

“I know, my…err…auntie works here…she’s a nurse too. Sue Taylor.” My surrogate mother worked part-time in the rehab unit at the same hospital. I knew that she had been working that day, but would have finished and gone home long before I arrived.

“So you’re not here on vacation then?” said Lorna. “I thought maybe, because of your accent you…?”

Despite the pain, I still managed a brief laugh. It was a fairly predictable assumption to make. “No, I live here…everybody thinks that though. I live with Sue and her family…they’re adopting me. I come from England, but my mom died.” I wanted to answer all of the questions that I knew she was about to ask me, in one go and get it over with.

“I guess that was your bad experience,” she said solemnly. “Your mom right?” I nodded and she put her hand on my shoulder.

“This is the first time that I’ve been in a hospital since that day,” I said.

“I understand, this time will turn out better for you, and If I know Sue, she’s gonna be back here fussing over you pretty soon.”

I knew it too, which was, even more of a reason for me to want out of there. “She could look after me at home, you know being a nurse and that…don’t you think?”

My latest attempt only made her laugh. “I’m sure that she could Robbie, but head injuries are complex, you don’t have the same facilities at home as we have here.”

“But I feel a little better now…kinda.”

“You don’t look that well to me. You’re very pale, I bet you’re not normally that colour. Besides, if they let you out and something bad happens like you have a seizure or something….”

“A what?”

“You know what a seizure is, right?”

“It’s a salad.”

“That’s a Caesar,” she said and laughed but I didn’t find it very funny.

“Where are my clothes?” I asked. I could remember her undressing me when I woke up earlier. I had been groggy, rude and un-cooperative.

“I’ve put them in a bag for you to take home when you leave. Your watch, keys, and money are in there too.”

“What about my phone?”

“You didn’t have a phone with you,” she said.

‘What happened to it’?

“I’m sorry for shouting at you earlier…and swearing and stuff,” I said. I had made a bit of a scene and used a few choice words, which I regretted afterwards. At the time I was dizzy, disorientated and in a lot of pain, and I didn’t take kindly to a stranger removing my clothes.

“That’s okay,” she said, “I won’t hold it against you.”

“You’re very good…I mean at putting bandages on and stuff,” I said as she finished strapping my ankle.

“Thank you, Robbie, that’s my job. And that’s you done. How do you feel now?” she said.

“I feel a little sick still and I dunno…it feels like I’m….”

“Do you feel drowsy?”

“No, it feels like I’m drunk,” I said and she cocked her head at me. “Err…I read about it someplace.”

“Yeah, right,” she said. “Well, that’s not a good sign. Let me know if you need to be sick okay. I’m gonna have to leave you alone for a while.” She handed me a panic button and gave me a reassuring pat on the shoulder, before disappearing through the gap in the curtains that separated the treatment room from the hub of the Emergency Care Unit.

I was trying to piece together what had happened, but my memory of the accident was sketchy at best. I knew that Nicola was there with me and that she would have called Sue, but I hadn’t had any contact with the family and had lost all track of time.

I was sitting up in bed half asleep when the doctor came back. He looked a little concerned by my appearance and studied his clipboard.

“I hear you’re Mrs Taylor’s son,” he said, “one of our nurses here. I’ve just been talking to her on the phone. She’s on her way over.”

“Actually I’m her nephew,” I replied as he studied my eyes with his pen-shaped flashlight.

“I see,” he said, “your pupils are very dilated.” He didn’t look happy and I assumed that this was a bad sign although I didn’t need anyone to tell me how ill I was.

I wanted to lie down on my back; sitting upright was making me queasy, but the doctor wanted me to stay awake so I wasn’t allowed to get too comfortable if it was even possible in that place.

“I can send your sister in now if you want, to keep you company?”

“Who?”

“Your sister, she was with you in the ambulance.”

I didn’t know that; I had forgotten about Nicola. I couldn’t remember leaving the school or the journey to the hospital.

‘Why is she here’?

I nodded to him, although I didn’t feel well enough to want to see anybody, especially her.

“What’s her name, Robbie?”

“Who?”

“Your sister,” said the doctor, “can you tell me her name?”

It seemed like a stupid question to ask, and I stared at him as I tried to figure out why he needed to know. My headache seemed to be getting worse and made it difficult for me to think straight. “I don’t know,” I mumbled.

“Is it Nicola?”

“Yeah, her name’s Nicola,” I said and I felt pleased with myself, despite him having to tell me.

‘Why did he ask me her name, if he already knew it’?

He scribbled something down on his clipboard as Lorna returned. “We’re going to put some sticky pads on your chest,” he said, “it’s nothing to worry about, it just makes our job a little easier.”

I always got worried, whenever a doctor told me not to worry, but I had been around enough hospitals to know what a cardiac monitor was used for, as well as the intravenous drip that he had instructed Lorna to stick into my arm. I was concerned but I no longer had the energy to ask what was in the clear liquid that they were feeding me.

I was starting to feel very hot and was already sweating so much that Lorna was having problems sticking the pads to my chest.

“Can you tell me where you live,” he said. His questions were becoming annoying; I was sure that he would have been able to get this information from my health card or from Nicola. It was odd though, that I wasn’t concerned by the fact that I could no longer remember my address or cell phone number. “Can you remember hitting your head?”

“Nothing,” I said shaking my head and hoping that he would leave me alone. My memory was becoming more fragmented and it was difficult to put what I could recall into any definitive order. I was dizzy again and when I closed my eyes I could feel a familiar churning in my tummy and the tell-tale signs that I was about to throw up.

“I’m gonna be sick,” I said, and I swallowed hard trying to fight against it, but my fragile stomach was already turning and I lurched forward and covered my mouth, as I began to heave. Lorna was quick to react and sat with me as I threw up into a cardboard bowl.

Despite the warnings, I wasn’t expecting to be sick after a physical injury, and I couldn’t understand why I was so ill, or why they couldn’t help me. The doctor didn’t seem to have any answers and when I looked up he had gone.

The painkillers that he had given me had done little to relieve a thumping headache, and after a brief respite I was throwing up again, expelling the remaining contents of my tender stomach. My mouth, already swollen and sore had been made even worse by the vomiting and now I was cold and shivering uncontrollably.

“I’m freezing,” I said, “it’s so cold in here.” With half-a-dozen monitors stuck to my chest, It would have been difficult to wear a top even if I had one, but it was a hot day outside and the controlled temperature of the hospital should have been warm enough not to need a shirt.

Lorna quickly wrapped a warm blanket around my shoulders and hugged me. “It’s alright Robbie, you’re in shock. You’re gonna be okay sweetie, honestly.”

She was doing everything that she could and I wanted to believe her, but it was hard to be optimistic. I could feel my condition deteriorating and it must have been very noticeable to everyone, but it seemed as if no one was able to do anything to stop it.

I don’t know how long it took me to stop shaking, but it seemed like ages and Lorna sat with me the whole time. “I need something to stop the headache,” I said as regained control of my body enough for her to leave me alone for a couple of minutes. She told me that she would ask the doctor while she went to dispose of the cardboard bowl.

The moment she was gone, I was in tears. I had never felt that poorly before or been in so much pain. I had never been an inpatient either. My mom had though, and even though I could barely remember what happened a few hours ago, I was able to recall those dark days as if they were yesterday. It was ironic that I was still able to remember so well, the things that I most wanted to forget.

‘Now I know how my mom felt, lying there every day for five weeks in that horrible ward, waiting to die’.

It was times like these when I would most feel her loss, and the wounds that had been given precious little time to heal would open up once more, leaving me inconsolable. I needed her with me that day more than anything or anyone, and once again I felt betrayed and exposed by her absence in my life. It was a role which Sue had tried to fill, but without success. It wasn’t her fault; I had rejected her attempts to mother me, and purposely distanced myself from any physical contact. She was my landlady, cook, and cleaner, but nothing more.

Crying somehow made me feel a little better, but sleep was never far away, and my eyes were heavy and sore.

I was sitting crying in the head teacher’s office at my school in London. Mr Jenkins had just informed me of my mother’s death and the social worker was talking to me.

“You might want to talk to the nurses who were with your mom this morning when she passed away,” she said. “They want to see you.”

I had my head in my hands and she watched me before turning to walk away. “Wait,” I said, “Do you know who was with her?”

“Yes, it was Nurse Alice.”

‘Nurse Alice, I knew she wouldn't let me down’.

“Robbie.” I was woken by Nicola’s voice, but I had trouble opening my eyes and I wanted to tell her to go away. She looked concerned, but I was also a little shocked by her appearance. The yellow top that she was wearing had blood down the front of it, and there was some on her denim shorts. Her hair was a mess; she had makeup smeared down her face, and she looked as if she had been crying. She was almost unrecognisable to me; it was so un-Nicola.

“Have you been waiting here all this time?” I asked in a croaky voice, although I had no idea how long that was.

“She ignored my question and the chair, choosing instead to sit down beside me on the bed. “Mom and dad will be here soon. Dad was in Toronto, so he’s gonna pick mom up on the way. Daniel’s staying home with Amy. How are you?” She looked upset; I hadn’t ever seen her like that before and I found it difficult to believe that I was responsible. Even in my zoned out state, I was aware that she usually hated me.

“You’ve been crying,” she said, and I could have said the same about her, but instead, I rubbed my eyes with the back of my hand and denied it as if it were a crime. It was stupid and she laughed at me. “It’s okay, I won’t tell.”

It was a different Nicola to the one that I normally had to deal with and it made me wonder if I was still dreaming. If I hadn’t of been in so much pain, then my trance like state and blurred vision may have been enough to convince me, but there was no hint of physical discomfort in any of my dreams.

“Are you taking me home?”

“No, Robbie. You’re gonna have to stay here overnight. I’ve just been speaking to the doctor.”

“I have to stay overnight?”

“Yes,” she said. “I can bring you in some clean clothes if you want, for tomorrow?” I couldn’t remember what had happened to the clothes that I had been wearing but all that I had on under the bedsheet was a pair of briefs and a few bandages.

“Thank you,” I mumbled. Saying those words to my arch enemy of the past few months, hurt almost as much as my injuries, but it needed to be done and I knew it. I didn’t fully understand her reasons, but I couldn’t fault her loyalty or question her sincerity at a time when I had most needed someone to stand up for me.

“You look a little better,” she said, although I found this difficult to believe. I had bandages around my head, and a swollen cheek the size of a golf ball. “You were looking a little messed up when I last saw you.”

“I can’t remember.”

“You were unconscious,” she said, “I was in the ambulance with you, and they were trying to wake you up—You scared the fucking hell outta me!” She looked as if she was about to cry, but I just stared at her, unable to work out why.

“I’m sorry,” I said, “I didn’t mean to fall over.”

“You didn’t fall; somebody pushed you.”

“I don’t know for sure, I could have tripped I suppose.”

“Robbie, there are witnesses, a guy ran into you…on purpose.”

I stared at my hand; twisting it at the wrist. It was another part of me that was hurting and I suppose an obvious injury. I looked at Nicola apologetically but had nothing to add.

“Do you remember anything about it?” she asked and I shook my head. “What, nothing at all?”

“No, Nicola, my head’s a mess at the moment, I’m sorry. I remember lying on the floor and the paramedics, but nothing more until I woke up in the hospital.”

“I’ll find out who it was,” she said. “I shouldn’t be asking you these questions, I’m sorry, you need to rest.” She was right, I did need to rest and although I didn’t know it at the time, my brain was already in the process of shutting down.

“Do you know what happened to my phone?”

“I’ve got your phone in my bag,” she said and reached into her purse to retrieve it. “I managed to fix it while I was waiting outside and it’s still working.” She seemed pleased with herself and so was I. It meant that I could call Nathan. It was something that I needed to do, although I wasn’t certain anymore if I had made any arrangements to meet him or not.

She handed me the phone and I held in front of my face for a few seconds but I could barely focus and the screen was just a blur. It must have been obvious that I was having problems and Nicola took it back before I dropped it.

“Who are you trying to call?”

“Nathan.”

“Nathan?” She looked puzzled, but I didn’t know why.

“I need to let him know that I’m here,” I said.

“Okay, I’ll call him for you and tell him what happened,” she said. “Is there anyone else that want me to call, Rory?”

I shook my head slowly while staring down into my lap. “No, just Nathan.” It must have seemed like an odd request, but I didn’t really care how it looked, I needed to let him know what had happened and I wasn’t able to do it myself.

“Is that blood?” I asked pointing to her top as she scrolled through my contacts searching for Nathan’s number.

“Yes.”

“Are you hurt?”

“It’s your blood Robbie?”

“Oh…sorry.” I could remember coughing blood, but I wasn’t sure how I had managed to get any on her.

“You owe me some new clothes mister,” she said as she looked up and smiled.

‘She never calls me mister; I don’t think so anyway. What is it that she always calls me…I can’t remember’.

“I’m sorry, I’ll pay for them.”

She shook her head before leaning forward and surprising me with a kiss on the cheek. “I was only kidding, dork.”

‘That’s it, dork. That’s what she usually calls me’.

“Nathan’s number isn’t in here,” she said and she was right of course. I had changed to another name, although I couldn’t remember why.

“He is, but it’s not Nathan. Look, it doesn’t matter,” I said, but it did.

“I see you have company,” said Lorna as she walked over to stand next to Nicola. “You must be Suzanne’s daughter; I’m Lorna I’ve been looking after your brother.”

I didn’t recognise any of the names that the nurse had just said, but I had managed to extract something much more important from my ailing memory. “Adam,” I said with a smile. “Nathan’s name is Adam.” I was proud of myself for remembering my little code, but I was unable to recall the reason why I had done it in the first place.

The two girls looked perplexed by my statement but for different reasons. For Nicola, it was the missing piece to a puzzle which she had been trying to solve for weeks. Adam was Nathan, and it was him who I had been talking to most evenings from the bottom of the garden, not some mystery girl as she had suspected.

“I’ll go outside and call him for you,” she said grabbing my phone. “I’ll let him know what happened to you, okay?” I wasn’t really listening to what she was saying but was glad to see her leave. Her voice had become loud and annoying, and I could still hear her in my fragile head long after she had left.

“How do you feel now? asked Lorna. I didn’t feel sick anymore, but the pain was still there along with the occasional dizzy spell. She checked the bandages on my head and then helped me to pee into a plastic bottle before Nicola came back in. I had forgotten that she was even there. She sat back on the chair as Lorna left to empty the bottle.

“I called him,” she said, “he was upset.”

“Who?”

“Nathan…Adam, whatever name you wanna call him.”

I looked her in the eyes as I finally realised what I had done, before dropping my head. I couldn’t think of anything to say, and for once it didn’t seem that important. She was itching to say something though.

“I don’t get it,” said Nicola, “what’s going on with you and Nathan?” It seemed like the most stupid question in the world and it didn’t warrant an answer. Maybe the truth was still beyond most people’s comprehension. “Are you gay?”

I closed my eyes tightly, trying to block out the light and keep back the tears, but I could still hear her voice against a constant background of throbbing pain in my head.

“Oh my God,” she said, “are you kidding me…really?”

“Are you shocked?” I said. It was close enough to a confession, but I didn’t lift my head up. I didn’t want her to see me crying.

“You and Nathan? Oh, shit…you’re really serious aren’t you?” There was a long silence and I heard her sit back in the chair and mumble a few words to herself before she noticed my tears.

“I’m sorry,” she said and she got up to come and sit on the bed facing me. I wiped my eyes with the back of my arm, and she put her hand under my chin and tilted my head up so that I was looking at her. “Robbie…I had no idea. Why didn’t you tell me this?”

“Is he coming to see me?”

“Yes, his sister’s gonna drive him,” she said, and she wiped some of my tears from my cheek with her fingers. “How long have you two…?” My eyes were now closed making it clear that I didn’t want to talk about it anymore and she got the message.

I tried changing the subject. “You don’t have to stay with me. I’ll go home later with dad.” I said and I smiled but her face had turned very serious. I put it down to my use of the word dad. I had never called him that before and I don’t know why I did it then. It seemed strange. I knew that he wasn’t my real dad but I couldn’t remember his name.

“Robbie, you have to stay here tonight remember, in the hospital,” she said.

“Am I in the hospital?”

Nicola put her hand over her mouth and I could see her own tears finally spilling down her cheek. I had no idea why she was crying or why she felt the need to take my hand and squeeze it tightly. “Yes,” she said, “you need to get better.”

“Am I sick?” I said. It felt like I had a fever and my head was spinning. I could recall feeling this way when I was a young boy. I could remember it clearly; the apartment, my mom, even the doctor’s home visit, but the immediate past was becoming increasingly cloudy. “My head’s hurting.”

“Do you want me to get the nurse for you.”

“No I wanna go home,” I said. “Can you call Sue?”

“I’ve called mom already; she’ll be here any minute.”

“Does she know where we are?”

“Of course she does, she works here remember?”

“No,” I said, there wasn’t much that I could remember and although it didn’t really bother me at the time, Nicola seemed a little disturbed.

“You do remember that mom works here don’t you, she’s a nurse?”

“I’ve never met your mom,” I said at least I didn’t think so.

“Are you serious?”

I didn’t have an answer for her, my mind was in chaos and I needed to stop thinking. I shut my eyes and once again sleep was calling along with my dream from earlier. It was waiting for me and inviting me back.

“So why are you going to Toronto? Are you visiting relatives?” I was on the plane to Canada, talking to the cabin crew.

“Yes,” I said, “I’m going to be staying with my uncle and his family and going to school there.”

“You don’t look too happy about it.”

“I’m not,” I said,

“Canada is a nice place; you may like it? How long are you going to be staying?”

“Forever,” I said, “or at least until I’m eighteen; they’re adopting me.”

“Robbie…Robbie. I’m sorry, but we need you to stay awake so we can take you for a scan.” I opened my eyes to see the nurse in front of me.

Nicola was sitting in the chair; she looked worried. “Will he be okay? He can’t remember anything; he doesn’t even know where he is.”

I would have disagreed with that statement, but talking seemed to be too much of an effort. My dreams were a lot easier and not as confusing.

My mind was playing tricks on me and I found myself randomly drifting in and out of consciousness. Don and Sue had turned up without me even noticing, and although I recognised them as my parents but I couldn’t remember their names or understand much of what they were saying.

There were two doctors standing by the bed. I knew one of them from somewhere. They were shining lights into my eyes, and asking me questions, but their voices were distant and I was struggling to understand. They had to repeat themselves but I could barely answer. Most of it was gibberish to me.

“Robbie, do you understand what I’m saying to you?” His voice sounded funny, it had an echo to it and I wondered how he was doing it. He reminded me of a cartoon character, but I didn’t know which one. “Do you know where you are?” he said, but I closed my eyes to block him out.

Sue was sitting on the chair next to me, holding my hand but I was numb and couldn’t feel her touch. Her mouth was moving but there was no sound. She looked worried. Nicola was crying and Don put his arm around her. He was almost twice as wide as her thin frame and I wanted to laugh, but I could barely move a muscle.

I was in another room with a window and lots of daylight. Daniel was there with Amy, although I barely recognised them; they sat talking to me for a while, but their voices were too distant for me to hear.

There were others. Rory, Mr Andrews, Fran, David, Doug, Billy, even Alex, but no one that I knew. Too many; then there were none.

I wasn’t worried; I had no reason to be. I was warm, comfortable, and pain-free. When I closed my eyes my dreams, were always waiting for me.

“My mom says you’re going to be my brother, like Daniel,” said the little girl.

“Well I’m your cousin really,” I said. “But you can think of me as a brother if you want, it doesn’t matter.”

“Robbie…can you hear me.” It was Sue.

“Was I asleep?”

“Yes, it’s okay honey.” She sounded relieved. “He’s awake,” she said, but she wasn’t talking to me. “He’s talking, he just asked me if he had been asleep.” I could feel her hand on mine and I closed my fingers. “He just squeezed my hand.”

There were more lights before my dreams returned.

“Is that it?” Tom asked, and he let out a small giggle.

“What do you mean?”

“Is that your big secret? What you’ve been trying to tell me for so long?”

“Yes, aren’t you surprised?” I said indignantly.

He laughed. “Surprised? No, of course not, why would I be surprised? I’ve known that you were gay for ages.”

“I love you.”

‘Tom’?

“I love you, Robbie.”

“Tom?” I said.

“No, it’s Nathan,” he said. It was a name that I didn’t recognise, and his face was blurred. I tried to focus but it was difficult to understand what was happening. It was a boy and he was sitting on the edge of the bed watching me and crying. I had seen him somewhere before; he was familiar to me. It felt as if we were close.

‘Where did Tom go’?

“I love you, Robbie.”

I closed my eyes again as the dreams returned and I welcomed them back, knowing that they would provide instant relief from the pain. It was impossible to believe that something so warm and comforting could pose any real physical threat and I allowed myself to sink back into the bed.

“Are you sure that it’s the girls that you want to check out?” I said laughing as we stood on the sunny back deck of the house.

Nathan started to laugh as he turned to face me and put his hand on my arm. “What are you implying Robbie? That I prefer to look at boys,” he said before removing his hand.

“Yes,” I said laughing.

“Well, you're absolutely right, old boy,” he said mimicking my English accent. “Don’t you?”

* * * * *

“Hi Robbie, it’s me, Nathan. I’m back again. Sorry, I couldn’t be here yesterday; it was my drama club night. Did you miss me? I missed you, I miss you every single day.”

It was him again; the boy from my dreams. He would always come back and wake me. Then he would talk to me, and tell me what was happening in his life; read stories, and even sing. I liked it when he visited me, but he was the only one who still came and I was scared that soon he would stop too. If that happened, then I would no longer have any reason to wake up.

“I know you can hear me, Robbie. They don’t believe me, but I know that you can. I really know it, and I wish you could show me.

I wanna tell you about our new project at the drama club. It’s for the end of term show, and it’s going to be a comedy set in London. We’re gonna talk in cockney rhyming slang and stuff…like you used to teach me. There’s not really any script yet, but it’s gonna be good, I know it will.

Fran is gonna paint the backdrop for the set, you know, Tower Bridge and Big Ben. It’ll be cool. And Rory is getting involved too; he’s got a girlfriend now, but I still think he’s gay!

We’re doing all this for you Robbie, as a kinda tribute, and the show is gonna be called ‘The Cockney Canuck’. I thought it was a cool name. It’s you, Robbie.

I miss you so much…and I want you to wake up and come back…please. I love you.”

His words were as gentle and soothing as his teary kiss to my lips. I was awake but once again I couldn’t force my eyes to open, and although I could feel his sadness, and hear him crying, I could not respond. I was still too tired and the need for sleep was overwhelming.