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    Drew Payne
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Stories posted in this category are works of fiction. Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 

His Story - 4. Round Two

I could feel my phone buzz in the inside pocket of my jacket; it could only be Will, but I left the phone in my pocket. I opened my flat’s front door and pushed my way inside. To my relief both Pip and Harry, my flatmates, were out. I wasn’t in the mood for being confronted by their happiness as a couple.

I walked straight into my bedroom; I took my jacket off and took my phone out. I was right; it was another text from Will.

Looking forward to seeing you tonight. Luv, Will.”

I dropped down onto my bed and stared at the text. I’d agreed to meet him that night, at his favourite gay bar in Soho, but I’d only agreed because he’d wanted to. I didn’t want to spend the evening with him; I’d wanted to go to the cinema, but Will had kept pressuring me until I gave in.

I’d met him three weeks ago. With my new job I now have fixed shifts. I always have Friday evenings off, so I decided to join a gay social group. We’d met the second week I went, and we’d just got talking. We went for a drink afterwards and ended up back at Will’s flat. The sex was good, Will took charge of what we did, and my passive side enjoyed that, and so I stayed the night; the next morning we had sex again.

We spent the rest of the next day together, most of it in bed and having sex. The trouble was that spending the whole day with Will seemed to make him more and more attracted to me. Will wasn’t unattractive. He’s tall, taller than me by six inches with light brown hair and a lean muscular body; and sex with him was good.

What went wrong was how strongly attracted Will was to me; I don’t know why. I’m nothing appealing; there’s nothing special about me; I’m not handsome or clever or funny, but Will seemed to want to chase after me. It all made me feel awkward. I didn’t want to hurt him, but his heavy attraction to me was making me feel colder and colder to him. I didn’t want to just dump him, not return his calls and stand him up (like had happened to me so often), but the longer I kept seeing him the worse I felt. If the sex with Will hadn’t been so good, I would have moved on sooner, but I needed the affection he gave me; it was almost addictive.

The problem is I really want a lover. I’m so lonely on my own. My flatmates, Harry and Pip, are the Happiest Gay Couple in the Country; they live together, they have sex, they hold each other’s hands, they spend so much time together, and they’re always happy. I want what they have, and the envy was eating away at me from the inside out. I found myself hating Harry and Pip; I was so jealous of them. I wasn’t attracted to either of them; I didn’t want to break them up; I like both of them; I’m just painfully jealous of what they have.

On the other hand, I didn’t feel that way about Will. We have sex in common but nothing else. Will likes bars and clubs; they were the only places he wants to go to, whereas I hate them. We didn’t have anything to talk about, though Will does like to talk; I don’t even like him that much.

I knew I had to end it with him, I couldn’t go on just using him, but that also made me feel depressed. I wanted a lover, but all I could find were guys not interested in me, one-night stands that were more frustrating than they were satisfying, or guys who were interested in me but who I didn’t feel anything for, which was the worst. I just wanted to find a guy I liked and who liked me.

Sitting there, I decided that I would end it all with Will that night, stop this before it all went too far. That night I’d tell him the truth, gently, but still tell him the truth, I told myself.

In reality, I lost my nerve and did not say anything to Will that night. Instead we ended in bed together. Everything would limp on for two more weeks as I felt guiltier and guiltier about it all. I’d only find the courage to end it when Will started making plans for us to go on holiday together.

Copyright © 2019 Drew Payne; All Rights Reserved.
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Stories posted in this category are works of fiction. Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 
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Chapter Comments

This has the makings of an abusive relationship, and one that will make both Chris and Will unhappy. I wish for happy endings, but I know that these don’t always happen, not in real life. 

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Maybe if Chris had refused to go to bars with Will but told him he should go on his own, the relationship may have ended faster. But these things take time, and it's OK to take a while to point out you don't have anything in common but sex. 

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54 minutes ago, Parker Owens said:

This has the makings of an abusive relationship, and one that will make both Chris and Will unhappy. I wish for happy endings, but I know that these don’t always happen, not in real life. 

I don't know about being abusive but this is certainly an unhealthy relationship.

I wanted to show, in this one, that Chris is a screw-up in a relationship where the other guy wants him, yet the other guy is completely unsuitable for him and Chris can't find the skills to face that.

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33 minutes ago, Timothy M. said:

Maybe if Chris had refused to go to bars with Will but told him he should go on his own, the relationship may have ended faster. But these things take time, and it's OK to take a while to point out you don't have anything in common but sex. 

But Chris is staying with Will because he's afraid of being alone, he's afraid of being that stereotype of the sad and lonely homosexual that he had drummed into him as an Evangelical Christian. This is just another example of how screwed up he is. He's pathetically damaged and it's harming so much of his life.

Re-writing this story made painful reading for me.

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lomax61

Posted (edited)

Chris is beginning to annoy me now with his relentless self-pity. He’s using Will for sex, even though he wants nothing else from him, and certainly not the relationship Will seems to crave. By his own admission, he doesn’t even like him. By staying with him, he’ll eventually bring them both down. I know he’s had things tough, but he’s turning out to be a perpetual ‘glass half empty’ character, whining about what others have and he does not.

I found myself hating Harry and Pip; I was so jealous of them. I wasn’t attracted to either of them; I didn’t want to break them up; I like both of them; I’m just painfully jealous of what they have.”

I’m hoping Chris does find the guts to let Will go, so Will can find some lasting happiness with someone else. I’m sorry to say this again, but Chris needs to start loving himself before he tries to find love with another.

Edited by lomax61
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On 5/17/2019 at 3:42 AM, lomax61 said:

Chris is beginning to annoy me now with his relentless self-pity. He’s using Will for sex, even though he wants nothing else from him, and certainly not the relationship Will seems to crave. By his own admission, he doesn’t even like him. By staying with him, he’ll eventually bring them both down. I know he’s had things tough, but he’s turning out to be a perpetual ‘glass half empty’ character, whining about what others have and he does not.

I found myself hating Harry and Pip; I was so jealous of them. I wasn’t attracted to either of them; I didn’t want to break them up; I like both of them; I’m just painfully jealous of what they have.”

I’m hoping Chris does find the guts to let Will go, so Will can find some lasting happiness with someone else. I’m sorry to say this again, but Chris needs to start loving himself before he tries to find love with another.

Please don't apologise, I am amazed you feel so much for a character I've created, and the reaction I was hoping for in readers.

I wanted to put this section in to show how damaged people can pass on that damage when they don't take ownership of who they are. Just because you have been damaged doesn't mean you will always be the victim in your screwed up relationships.

Chris is a victim of what has happened to him but he is also passing on the harm.

(P.S. Chris does find the backbone to finally end this relationship.)

Edited by Drew Payne
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Reading this chapter actually leaves me feeling hopeful.

I can understand Chris' need for companionship, for a "significant other" (and even his need just for sex on a somewhat regular basis). And I'm glad to see that he has joined a gay support group where, hopefully, he will meet a partner. I'm also glad to see that he is not that needy that he thinks he has to cling on to the first person from the group who had shown an interest in him; that he realises that Will is not what he is really looking for and dumps him. Okay it took him a few weeks to actually end the relationship, but he got there in the end. Hopefully he will continue looking, maybe continue attending the gay social group, and will eventually find the Mr Right. Will is probably a really nice guy, but it seems he just wasn't the one for Chris.

I am a bit concerned about Chris' own self image problems ("I’m nothing appealing; there’s nothing special about me; I’m not handsome or clever or funny.") but I can understand how that may be related to his poor feelings of self worth that likely stem from his upbringing, and his experience with the Church, the ex-gay movement, and his failed suicide and subsequent rejection by his family.

Hopefully, if nothing else, this experience with Will will help Chris realise that he is capable of entering a full time relationship sometime in the future. As Kay told him a few chapters ago: "It's about time you got yourself a proper boyfriend." I'm hoping that the short relationship with Will shows him that, even if Will was not the one for him, that it is possible, and that he doesn't give up completely.

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4 hours ago, Marty said:

Reading this chapter actually leaves me feeling hopeful.

I can understand Chris' need for companionship, for a "significant other" (and even his need just for sex on a somewhat regular basis). And I'm glad to see that he has joined a gay support group where, hopefully, he will meet a partner. I'm also glad to see that he is not that needy that he thinks he has to cling on to the first person from the group who had shown an interest in him; that he realises that Will is not what he is really looking for and dumps him. Okay it took him a few weeks to actually end the relationship, but he got there in the end. Hopefully he will continue looking, maybe continue attending the gay social group, and will eventually find the Mr Right. Will is probably a really nice guy, but it seems he just wasn't the one for Chris.

I am a bit concerned about Chris' own self image problems ("I’m nothing appealing; there’s nothing special about me; I’m not handsome or clever or funny.") but I can understand how that may be related to his poor feelings of self worth that likely stem from his upbringing, and his experience with the Church, the ex-gay movement, and his failed suicide and subsequent rejection by his family.

Hopefully, if nothing else, this experience with Will will help Chris realise that he is capable of entering a full time relationship sometime in the future. As Kay told him a few chapters ago: "It's about time you got yourself a proper boyfriend." I'm hoping that the short relationship with Will shows him that, even if Will was not the one for him, that it is possible, and that he doesn't give up completely.

I wrote this chapter to show another side to Chris's toxic relationships, this time showing him screwing up the relationship even when the guy is attracted to him.

Chris's poor self-image is what I wanted to explore here, and yes it's related to his upbringing. He was given unrealistic goals (Being told he has to change his sexuality in order to be accepted) and when he failed he was blamed for it. That will certainly destroy your self-esteem, and building up self-esteem is more than just someone saying you're cute, once. So much of this story is about the wrecked self-esteem the ex-gay leaves behind and how toxic on an individual it is.

At this moment, all I can feel that Chris can learn is that again he's crap at relationships, but the events of the next two chapters do change something for him, but I won't say what.

 

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Marty

Posted (edited)

16 hours ago, Drew Payne said:

I wrote this chapter to show another side to Chris's toxic relationships, this time showing him screwing up the relationship even when the guy is attracted to him.

To be honest, I didn't really think that Chris screwed up the relationship with Will. He realised that the two of them weren't compatible. Will wants to spend his time going to clubs and bars ('they were the only places he wants to go to') whereas Chris says he 'hates' them. Chris reckoned that they had 'sex in common but nothing else.' A relationship has to have more than just sex to make it meaningful.

In my opinion, Chris made the correct decision to end his relationship with Will. If it could be said that he screwed up at all in this relationship at all, maybe it was just that he took too long deciding to end it? :unsure2:

Edited by Marty
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6 hours ago, Marty said:

To be honest, I didn't really think that Chris screwed up the relationship with Will. He realised that the two of them weren't compatible. Will wants to spend his time going to clubs and bars ('they were the only places he wants to go to') whereas Chris says he 'hates' them. Chris reckoned that they had 'sex in common but nothing else.' A relationship has to have more than just sex to make it meaningful.

In my opinion, Chris made the correct decision to end his relationship with Will. If it could be said that he screwed up at all in this relationship at all, maybe it was just that he took too long deciding to end it? :unsure2:

Will isn't right for Chris and him for Will, they have nothing in common, and it should have been something short-lived were both parties walked away realising they weren't boyfriend material. But Chris is so desperate for a lover that he hangs onto Will far too long. It takes him so long to be honest with Will. That's what I meant by with toxic.

Chris did make the right decision to end this relationship, but it took far too long. He should have been honest with Will much earlier.

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