A Life Worth Living - 7. Chapter 7

I’M in the front seat of Will’s car, which by the way is a Range Rover. Because of course it is. Blair, Monty, and Cal are squeezed into the middle row because they all refuse to sit in the third row.

“Thanks for getting us all, dude,” Monty says, leaning forward to pat Will’s shoulder.

Will flashes a smile, turning his head just a little. “Not a problem. I’m excited that everyone is comin’.” He pokes my shoulder. “Especially you.”

Someone coughs. It was definitely Cal. That fucker.

“Who’s coming?” I ask.

“Well, me, obviously. And uh, well, a lot of people.”

“Easton and Sebastion texted me. They’re coming,” Monty says.

“Ida will be there,” Blair says.

“And last but not least, Kyle,” Cal says. Everyone but me groans. “Yeah, yeah, whatever.”

“Out of everyone in school, you just had to go with him,” Blair says. “He doesn’t even like you!”

“He does like me!” Cal whines.

I look back at Cal. “I haven’t even met him yet. Are we sure he exists?”

“YES,” Blair and Monty both say.

Will laughs and nods. “He does. I’ve seen him. He’s on the—” he snaps his fingers a couple times “—lacrosse team. Right? Yeah, that seems right. He’s a big guy. Handsome, too.”

“Yeah, he is big,” Cal says. I can hear the grin in his voice.

“NO. No, we’re not doing that,” Monty says. There’s some shuffling and moving happening that I can’t see. “Don’t hit me!”

“You hit me!”

“Both of you quit it!” Blair snaps. “I’m in between you guys and you’re both hitting me.” After a few quiet seconds, they mumble an apology, and Blair says, “Okay, we need to go over ground rules tonight. Rule number one, I’m getting drunk.”

“How is that a rule?” Cal asks.

“It just is, okay? It’s like a rule of thumb. Rule of thumb is that I get drunk.”

“Okay,” Cal retorts. “How about rule number two, you don’t get so drunk that Mom has to hire a cleaner for your white carpet?”

“Rule number three you shut the fuck up,” Blair says back.

Me and Will lock eyes. He’s holding in a laugh while they start to bicker. Monty attempts to talk over them, telling them to stop. Will mouths Oh my God at me and then he bursts out laughing. My cousins immediately go quiet.

“I’m so sorry,” Will says, putting his hand over his mouth for a second. “You guys are so funny.”

“You should hear them back at the house,” I say. “Now that is some real entertainment.”

“I’ll have to come over and see it.” Will taps the steering wheel.

“Okay, real ground rules though,” Monty continues, “no one, and I mean no one, is allowed to leave Jonah alone. We have to be around him.

“And Jonah, you’re probably wondering why. The answer is that this is something that will be new to you. This isn’t just a party. This is a Carter Lopez party. To clarify? His house is sixty-four thousand square feet—yes, I looked it up on Zillow. The house has two pools, a helicopter pad, a tennis court, a hedge maze, and fourteen bathrooms.”

“You should be a realtor,” I say. But in my head, I’m thinking about why someone needs a house that big. That is a type of massive that I can’t wrap my head around. Monty is absolutely correct, this is completely new to me. The house, the luxuries, and a party. I never partied. The closest I got to partying was going to my youth group Christmas things. And it would have those gross store-bought cookies and sodas and the weird boys would play kiss, marry, kill. Yeah, you heard right. Kiss, mary kill. “Fuck” was not in their vocabulary. James and I would stick near each other and wish we were doing anything else. Like fucking each other, marrying each other, and killing them.

Speaking of him.

I pull out my phone and see if there are any recent messages from Lila. We’ve been DM’ing over Insta the last couple of days. She thought she knew a way to find out more about James. It kills me inside not knowing where he is. It’s bound to be an upcoming topic in therapy. And Laura is going to have a field day with it. Or quit. We’ll see.

There’s one new message.

[It was a complete shot in the dark. He doesn’t know anything]

“Dammit,” I mutter.

“You okay?” Will asks.

I look out the window. The night sky is clear. Stars peak down on us. “Yeah, I’m good.” I put my phone back into my pocket and smile at him.

“Okay, it’s quiet in here,” Blair says. “Will, turn up the music! Play something to pump us up!”

“What do you wanna hear?” he says, reaching for his phone.

“Oooo, play Miracle by Ellie Goulding,” Cal says.

“Now that’s a banger,” Blair adds.

Will hands me his phone. “Play it,” he says, he opens his music app and I type it in and turn the volume up. Way up.

It starts immediately.

When you hold me

There's a place I go

It's a different high

Oh no

When you touch me

I get vulnerable

In a different light

The beat comes in. Pulsing through the car speakers. It thumps in my chest. I open the window letting the cool night air blow through my hair. My hand catches the air, waving it through my fingertips. Cal howls. Blair and Monty follow him, howling like wild animals.

The song comes to an end right as we approach a massive gate and make our way down what I assume is this dude’s driveway. It’s long and eventually puts in a courtyard with a towering stone mansion looming over us.

“My God,” I say, sticking my head out of the window to take it all in. Each window is like a glowing eye.

Cars are parked everywhere. Girls with heels step over the cobblestones with brown bags in their hands and their white teeth lighting up the darkness.

The anxiety in my throat is worse now. My palms are sweating. Knees shaking. We all climb out of the car. A gust of wind blows around us.

“Cal, give me the vodka,” I say. He’s holding a clear, plastic bottle that’s half full of clear liquid. “Don’t look at me like that, I know what’s in there.” I hold out my hand.

He twists his lips a little before saying, “Well, I don’t have a lo—”

“Dude, you had that with you? That’s illegal!” Monty says. “Open container!”

Cal raises his eyebrows and shakes the bottle a little. “Oh, says the guy who definitely has a mountain of weed in his pocket.”

“Weed is legal in New York.”

“Not if you’re fifteen, idiot.”

“Okay, stop,” Will says, “Calvin, give Jonah your sketchy water bottle, and let's get going. It’s already packed.”

“Oh. Yessir.” He salutes Will and gives me the bottle but he gets close to me. “I like it when they’re bossy,” he whispers in my ear. I can smell the vodka on him.

“Are you drunk already?” I whisper back. He doesn’t answer but holds a finger to his lips before grabbing Blair’s hand and letting out a screech and running off.

“Aaaaand there they go. Already breaking the one rule I had,” Monty says. “Whatever. Let’s stick together, okay?”

“Fine with me,” I reply, unscrewing the bottle.

Drinking isn’t new to me. James and I did here and there. How we got away with it I’m not sure. But we did it. I used to love the way his cheeks would turn red after a bit. His eyes would sort of droop and he’d let his fingers slide down my face and neck.

I take a big sip. It’s warm. I feel every part of it as it slides down my throat and makes a home in my semi-empty stomach. Saliva fills my mouth but I quickly swallow it down and shake my head.

“That looked painful,” Will says. We’re almost at the door.

“It was. Want some?” I hold out the bottle.

“I have to get you home, JoJo,” he says, winking. He pushes open the massive double doors leading us into a dimly lit foyer. A double staircase extends in front of us. The floors are black and white checkered. It looks slippery.

Wait.

Did he just call me—

“JoJo?” I ask. People are watching me.

“Trying it out.” He shrugs.

Monty is already saying hi to people and giving awkward side hugs. He tags behind us still.

The further we go back into the home, the more impressed I am with this whole situation. Still can’t over the sixty-four thousand square house thing. Must be nice to be rich.

“Will!” A guy pops up in front of us. Pink shirt. White shorts. Ankle high socks. Backwards hat.

“Carter, hey,” Will says, giving him a hug. “As always, this is insane. How do you get away with this?”

Carter grins. “It helps to have parents that don’t care about you and the closest neighbor being a mile away.” He sees me. “Oh, hey, we haven’t met—” he holds his hand “—I’m Carter.”

We shake hands. “Jonah Kildare.”

His eyes widen as he gives an open-mouthed smile. “No way. You know you hear rumors and shit, but it’s not always confirmed. But I heard there was a fourth Kildare thrown into the mix. And rumor has it that you sir, have pissed off Victor.”

I roll my eyes. “Rumor is true. He’s decided he doesn’t like me.”

Carter clasps his hands together. “He hates everyone, don’t take it personally. But hey, I gotta go make sure my parent’s wing of the house is locked up. Go have fun! I’ll catch you later.” He pats my back and disappears into the crowd.

Will puts his hand on my back and steers me around the crowd. It’s a lot of people. I recognize a lot from school and they seem to either recognize me or think I’m sort of a party crasher. There are confused faces and some step back to let me snake by them. I even hear someone say, “Is that the triplet’s cousin?”

Damn right, it is. And I’m about to be your new president, bitch!

Shit. That one vodka shot is already causing my mind to be a mess.

We make it to the kitchen. The counter and island are covered in various bottles, cans, and boxes. There is also a girl—I’ve seen her. Emory?—well, she’s stirring a big clear bowl of something purple. No. Red. No…blue. Fuck, I can’t tell under these color-changing lights.

She lights up when she finds us. “O-M-G! Will!” She rushes to him and hugs him tight. “I’m so glad you made it. I just finished making the jungle juice! It’s my brother’s secret recipe.” She winks and then looks at me, smirking. Her hands find her hips. “Now, this is not something I expected to see at this party. A new face!” She leans towards me. “I’m so tired of these losers.”

“Wait, wha—” I start.

“Emory, meet Jonah Kildare. He’s new to town,” Will says. “And by the way, it’s good to see you too, Em.”

“So nice to meet you, Jonah. You’re a cutie. Do you wanna drink?” She’s back to her bowl of mysterious liquids and stirring it. “It may smell a little weird but I’m blaming that on the three bottles of bottom-shelf tequila. Like bottom-bottom shelf. That seven ninety-nine.” She laughs.

Monty approaches the bowl and crinkles his nose. “Em, good God!”

“I’m sure it’s great,” Will says. But he’s looking at it with a not-so-convincing face.

“Okay, you three can be my guinea pigs!” She grabs three cups and sloshes some in. I’m handed one and wow. The smell wafts and it’s rough. It’s bad. I hope there's a bathroom nearby.

“Emory, what is in this?” I ask.

She giggles. “Tequila!” I think she’s drunk, which is crazy because it’s like, not even ten o’clock.

“Yeah, yeah. Got that. But what else?”

She puckers out her bottom lip and looks up at the ceiling. The gears are turning. “Um…. Gatorade. For hydration, of course. And some candy. For some flavor and texture. And—”

“You know what?” I stop her, holding up my hand. “You don’t have to say anymore.”

“Yay!” She claps. “So glad you guys are here!” She fills her own cup and chugs it so fast. Like, so, so fast. May she rest in peace. “Bottoms up, boys!” She takes her hands and places them on the bottoms of our cups and leads them to our mouths.

Will shakes his head and puts the cup on the counter. “I’m driving. I can’t.”

She makes a pouty face. “Aw, you’re so well-mannered. Why don’t you have a girlfriend again?”

Will looks at the floor.

“We all know why,” Monty chimes in. “And it starts with a ‘V’ and ends in ‘-ictor’”. He holds up his cup. “But here’s to new adventures!”

I look down at my cup of mystery liquid. Will is now side-eyeing me with fear in his spread across his well-sculpted face. But it’s too late, the liquid is going down my throat whether I like it or not.

It’s not good. It’s really not good, but I drink and drink and drink and pray that it’s over. When it is, Emory is fast to put Will’s cup into my hand.

“Let’s dance!” she yells and I immediately wanna scream, “Let’s fucking not!” But it’s too late. She’s dragging all three of us into the next room over which is, as I thought it would be, massive and full of people. Lights dance around. Everything is blue and the floor is sticky and it’s hot and there are too many bodies pressed against each other.

 ✦✦✦

IT'S later. I dunno how much later. But I’m covered in a layer of sweat. My vision is trying to focus on too many things at once. I stand by Will the whole time as well as Monty who is busy talking with everyone and everything. Pretty sure he greeted a plant. Sometimes someone says something to me but all I see is their mouth moving. I nod and smile and shrug and hold my cup.

Sometimes people stare at me with their mouths open like gaping assholes.

Wait. That was gross. Not like gaping assholes. Their mouths are open like assholes.

Wait.

No.

They are the assholes. Not their mouths. Am I drunk?

“Will?” I tug his shirt sleeve. He smiles big at me and his dimples show. Always showing. He looks nice.

“Yes?”

“I have to pee.”

Still smiling. Straight teeth. “I think there is a usable one upstairs.”

“Okay!” I run off and find the double staircase, grab the railing, and begin my trek upstairs. One by one, step by step, I pull myself up. People sit on the steps like idiots. The hallway is dim and there is smoke wafting around. Girls pass around a vape.

“Wheresthebathroom?” I mumble to one of them.

She points at a door. Left one? No. Right one. I open it and it’s dark and surprisingly big. My hand pats the wall for a switch.

The light flicks on.

It’s a bedroom and right smack in the middle of the bed is a shirtless Victor and his girlfriend with the name I don’t care to remember. Her hands are in his pants as she is frozen looking at me like the deer I’m about to hit on the highway.

Oh, my fu—

“Fuck are you doing here?” Victor leaps up, his pants falling down his waist.

“I was looking for the bathroom,” I say, turning around. “I’m leaving!”

I run out of the room as quickly as possible and suddenly I don’t want to pee. But yes, I still need to pee. The door across the room where I just saw the worst thing ever leads into the bathroom. I curse under my breath and at the girl who gave me those piss-poor directions.

I pee for like, forty seconds and when I open the door, his girlfriend is right there. Like, right there.

“Hey, Jonah,” she says as if I didn’t just see her jerking her boyfriend off. Gross.

“Hey.” I start walking back downstairs but she’s following me and not a single part of my intoxicated body enjoys this situation.

“You know,” she says while she trails me, “you and I have not gotten a chance to meet yet. I’ve heard so much about you.”

“Oh, yeah, I’m sure the reviews are dazzling. Ten out of ten!” She won’t leave!

“Listen,” she grabs my arm, twisting me back around so close that her boobs are about pressed up against me. I swear to God if anyone sees this— “you and I should talk.”

“About what?” I squirm away and head into the kitchen. If it’s going to be like this, this boy needs a drink. STAT.

Luckily, Emory’s big bowl of liquid is still there and plenty full. I pour myself a hefty cup. Weirdly enough, it’s just me and her in the room.

“Pour me one?” She’s batting her eyes. She wasn’t wearing a lot of clothes when I walked in on her. She’s still kind of not.

“What is this?” I ask, before taking a sip.

“What is what?” She traces a long strand of hair with her hand.

“I just walked in on you giving your douchebag boyfriend a hand job and now you’re chatting me up in the kitchen all in the span of five minutes.”

She pours herself a cup, but quickly sets it on the counter. “You’re so silly, I wasn’t giving him a handjob. He wasn’t even hard yet.”

I tilt my head. “Oh, yeah. That makes it better. My B.” Guess I need to make a mental note of what counts as a handjob and what doesn’t. Turns out the dick needs to be hard when you’re jerking it off.

“Listen, Jonah,” she says, coming closer to me and putting her Victor-dick hand on my arm. “I know you two have gotten off to a weird start. But I genuinely think you two should, I dunno, collaborate. Be friends.” She reaches over and puts her other hand under my cup and brings it to my mouth.

I take a sip. And when I’m done, she’s in the doorway, still facing me.

“You’ll find very quickly that you’re going to want to make it easier for yourself and everyone if you just let the people that are meant to be here do what they need to do.” She turns but looks over her shoulder. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” She fades into the hall.

I drink more because what the fuck was that? I gotta find Will and Monty and the other two.

Blair and Cal. My cousins. Right.

It doesn’t take long to find Will and Monty. They’re outside by the pool on lounge chairs. Will sits up when he sees me.

“There you are!” He waves me over. “I was getting worried and was going to start a search party.”

I sit next to him on his chair. “I went pee but then I also walked in on Victor and his girlfriend about to have sex and then she cornered me in the kitchen and gave me some weird elitist cryptic message. But I got a new drink!” I hold my cup up.

“Is that more of Emory’s drink?”

“Itsactuallynotthatbadhwhenyoudontthinkaboutit” I say.

“What?”

“Nothing. Is that Cal in the pool?”

“Yeah,” Monty says. “He’s wasted. Kyle did not end up coming and he’s a sad, drunk mess.”

Cal is lying on a pool float with sunglasses on and I’m not sure where got them.

“He brought a swimsuit?” I ask.

“Nope.” Will points over to a pile on the deck. “His clothes are over there. Don’t worry, he left his underwear on.”

My phone starts buzzing. I pull it out.

[Unknown caller].

Weird.

“So, how often do these parties happen?” I ask Will. He’s leaned back on the chair, his arms above his head. I try not to stare at his biceps.

“Carter has them more in the summer. But I’d say frequently enough where we’re not dying of boredom,” he replies. “Why? You like it?”

I glance around, taking it all in. The pool is full of people. The music from the house is so loud that it sounds like it’s right next to me even out here. The laser lights glimmer through the windows. There are shrieks of laughter and shouting.

“I guess,” I say. “Certainly something to get used to. James would’v—” I cut myself off. No. Not now.

“Who?” He sits up.

“No one.” My phone is buzzing again.

[Unknown caller].

“Anway,” I say, “you know what’s next week?”

“Our announcement of running for senior class president and vice president.” He’s grinning ear to ear.

“That’s right. I’m excited. Like a lot.”

He scoots closer to me. Close enough to where his arm brushes against mine. Instant goosebumps. “Me too. I’m excited to hang out more.”

I smell his cologne. It’s sweet. “Oh! I completely forgot!” I reach for my neck and pull his necklace out from it hanging under my shirt. “I’ve been wearing this and completely forgot to give it back.”

He swats his hand. “Keep it.”

“Keep it?”

“Yeah, it looks good on you.”

“But it’s your lucky necklace.”

“I think you need it more than me.” He puts a hand on my knee. “Because you’re going to beat the fuck out of Victor in this race.”

And for the third time, my phone buzzes.

[Unknown caller].

“Who the hell is this?” I say, looking down at my screen. “This is the third time they’ve called in the last two minutes.”

“Answer it?” Will suggests.

“Nah, it’s probably nothing.”

“Oh, shit,” Will mutters, his gaze locked in on something in front of him. I follow it and Victor stands on the other side of the pool. His shirt still off and his girlfriend draped over his shoulder.

My phone buzzes for the fourth time.

“Okay,” I say, “you answer it.” And I toss my phone to Will.

He puts it to his ear. “Hello?” His face twists into confusion. “Oh, uh, he’s right here.” He hands my phone back to me. “It’s for you.”

“Well, I figured that.” I grab it. “Hello?”

“Jonah?”

The world stops. It’s as if someone hit pause on the remote. I know this voice. I’ve heard it a million times in a thousand different ways.

How?

How?

How?

I stand and run off across the pool deck until I’ve reached an area with no people. I back into some trees. My heartbeat is in my throat.

“James?” I breathe out.

“Jonah! Oh my God. OhmyGod. I remembered your number!” He’s laughing or crying or maybe both I can’t tell but it’s him. It’s his voice. His beautiful, beautiful voice.

“James, what the fuck? Where are you? How did you—how did you—”

“This is insane! Look, I don’t live in North Carolina anymore. I moved in with some people on my dad’s side of the family. Like, his great aunt or whatever. I’m in Rhode fucking Island now. Can you believe it? Where are you? I’ve heard only bits and pieces and I’ve been so worried and—”

“You okay?” Will pops out of thin air and I drop my phone on the ground.

“Shit! I stumble back some, hitting my back against a tree. I can hear James still talking, saying my name over and over.

“Here, let me ge—” Will is beginning to bend down.

“NO.” I push him back before slapping my hand over my mouth. “Shit, sorry.”

And then the worst thing ever happens.

I can’t stop it.

And I wish God would kill me now.

I throw up. On Will. And it’s bright and blue and hot and it’s all over his white shirt.

Never mind. I hate parties.