A Life Worth Living - 8. Chapter 8

[LET me know how it goes! I’m happy for you. And I can’t wait to see you again someday]

I smile at James’s text while sitting next to Cal in the courtyard. It’s a bit gray today, but knowing James is okay feels like eternal sun. We’ve been texting and FaceTiming for the last week. So much of my stress had been wondering about him and now so much of that has dissipated.

He filled me in on everything since that night. Turns out his dad was a lot more accepting of him and us than his mom. I would’ve at least guessed that as I still have nightmares of her slapping him across the face. But that night caused a lot of strain in their household. They moved quickly out of the home and his mom made James go dark on everything. Took his phone, made him delete social media, and cut him off from everything in an attempt to block me out of his life. His dad apparently was pissed at that and some time later, asked for a divorce, and he moved James up to his great aunt’s home in Rhode Island. He’s been there for two months. It’s crazy to think he was gone and I had no idea. It chills me to the bone.

[I’ll let you know ;)]

“So,” Cal starts, crossing his legs and facing me, “are you gonna stop ignoring Will?”

My ears go hot. “I’m not ignoring him.”

Cal sighs and scoots closer to me and pokes me square in the chest. “You, sir, are a terrible liar. How do I know? Because I’m a terrible liar. You and I share similar blood and the DNA that made us gay. And gay guys are terrible liars. Except for the gay Scorpios. Wait, are you one?—” he shakes his head “—doesn’t matter. Point is, go talk to the boy. Jesus, Jonah.”

“It’s not that easy! I’ve skipped Art every day this week and I can’t get myself to look him in the eye knowing what I did was top ten worst things ever.”

“It wasn’t that bad.”

“I threw up on him. A lot.”

“Yeah but you gotta think of the positives of it.”

I frown. “Which are…?”

“You got to see him shirtless! He’s a lot more defined than I would’ve thought. Those track and field days pay off.” Cal smirks and closes his eyes. “I’m imagining it.”

I shove him. “You’re so unserious.”

The intercom beeps. “Good morning, Southampton Secondary Students! Happy Friday! Remember, directly after lunch, please proceed to the auditorium for today’s assembly!"

“Well, you obviously need to talk to him if you’re doing the student council thing with him.”

Fuck. Right. Will’s been blowing my phone up all week and I haven’t brought myself to look at them. He's probably been texting about that.

“Maybe I should just drop out of the race,” I say.

“Before it even begins? That’s loser activity. And you gotta beat Victor.”

The bell rings and we stand, throwing our backpacks on. Mine hangs off my shoulder.

“I’ll see you later,” I say, starting to walk to the front entrance.

“Mhmm,” Cal says. “Talk to him, Jonah!” He pokes my chest again and then opens the door. “Or I swear to God, I’ll do something drastic.”

I’m about to respond but the intercom cuts me off.

“Will Jonah Kildare please report to the main office? Jonah Kildare to the main office”

Oh, fuck me.

I put my backpack on correctly and grip the straps. You don’t have to be smart to know exactly what is about to happen here. They’ve definitely caught on to me skipping class. I start thinking of excuses. But as Cal told me, I’m a bad liar.

Ms. Everton and my social worker, Jay, are talking when I step into the office. They pause and turn towards me.

“Jonah, hi,” Jay says. It’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve seen him.

“Let’s go to my office,” Ms. Everton says.

I slowly walk behind them in what feels like the longest walk ever, but once I’m in her office, the floodgates immediately break.

“I know what this is about,” I say. “Yes, I’ve been skipping class. Yes, I know it was wrong. And yes, I won’t do it again.” I then slump down in one of her office chairs. “Anything else?”

Ms. Everton sits on her chair at her desk and Jay leans against the bookshelf and crosses his arms.

Jay shrugs. “You’re right, that’s why you’re here. I called Ms. Everton yesterday to check on you and she told me that it appeared you’d been skipping AP Art every day this week so I wanted to come and see why. Directly from you.”

Here’s the part where I wish I could say this elaborate, great excuse about why I’d been skipping. But nothing comes to mind that makes sense or warrants a week-long skipping spree.

“Well, there’s a guy in the class that I seriously embarrassed myself in front of and I can’t face him because I keep replaying it in my head and it makes me want to hide away forever.

“And you’re probably wondering what I did. I’ll tell you. I threw up on him and it was bright blue and it covered the front of his white shirt, and it was probably hot vomit and it dripped off of him and then I thr—”

“Okay.” Ms. Everton holds up her hand. “I got the picture. But Jonah, you can’t skip your classes. You just gotta go.”

“You make it sound so easy, but this was so bad and he probably thinks I’m gross now. Can’t you just move my classes around? Or better yet, I will consent to euthanasia.”

“Jonah, neither one of those are options,” Ms. Everton says.

“Especially the last one,” Jay adds, “and Jonah, listen to me. I check in with a lot of people that work with you to get reports on your progress and I send that back to North Carolina. Now, your social worker there made it very clear that the judge said you’re here on a six-month trial run and she expects the best out of you. Any slip-ups could result in you going back home.”

The air in the room feels colder in an instant and I sink further down in the chair.

“That’s not my home,” I mutter.

“Then you need to make sure your record is clean,” Jay says. “Both me and Ms. Everton are here to help in any way possible.”

The thought of returning to North Carolina makes saliva fill my mouth. I quickly swallow it and feel it hit the heat of my stomach. There’s literally nothing for me there. Not even a scrap of paper.

“I’m sorry,” I say. “I won’t do it again.”

“Luckily Art, even being AP, is one that skipping won’t have a fatal consequence. But if you’re having any issues, come to me and we can work through it,” Ms. Everton says.

“I will,” I say.

“Alright, get to class and I’ll see you at the assembly.”

✦✦✦

BACKSTAGE is dark. I smooth out my sleeves and lean against part of the wall where some of the overhead light shines. The other students that are running for something are back here mingling with each other. Victor is standing with his girlfriend and is caressing her back under her shirt. Super classy.

“Hey.”

My blood turns to ice.

“Can we talk?” Will steps up to me and the light washes over his face. His eyes are big and seem even bluer.

“Hey.” I straighten my posture. “Yeah.” There’s a whooshing noise in my ears. My heart pounds.

“Look, I—”

The gates open. Again. “I am so sorry that I threw up all over you. That was so gross and terrible and nasty and I understand if you don’t wanna do this with me anymore because honestly who would?” I let out a weird, morphed chuckle.

Will puts his hands on my upper arms, holding me still. “It’s okay, Jonah. Really. I thought I did something wrong and that’s why you were avoiding me.”

Oh. “Oh!” I step towards him a little, his hands still on me. “No, no, I was the one who did something wrong. And it was so wrong.”

“It’s not a big deal at all.” He lets his hands fall. “Really. We’ve all been there.”

I let out a hefty sigh. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have ghosted you.”

“Starting in two minutes!” a guy wearing a headset shouts out to us. “Sophomores, you’re up first!”

Will looks back at me. “If we’re doing this, we’re doing it together.” He smiles and all the fears I had about him hating me melt away.

I wonder what James would think about him. Or what Will would think about James. With James being back in a way, it’s bound for them to cross paths.

This has truly been a very confusing time in my life.

“Do you have your speech ready?” Will asks, bringing me back down to earth.

I reach into my pocket and pull out my speech, which has crumbled into a ball. I wrote it a couple of days ago.

“Yup, hopefully, it’s not ass,” I say. They have me going after Victor. His speech is probably about how much I suck. I wouldn’t put it past him. Apparently, his girlfriend is now running with him. I can’t look at her without picturing her hand in his pants.

Will and I listen to the other speeches from where we are. The girl running for junior class president has a bit of a squeaky voice, but she gets a loud applause.

The headset guy comes back. “Victor, you’re up.”

Victor shoots us a look, raises his eyebrows, and walks onto the stage. I stand closer to the stage entrance and watch him take the podium. The spotlight on him makes him look bigger for some reason. He clears his throat.

“Good afternoon,” he says. “My name is Victor Vasilios and I am running for senior class president. I am also happy to announce that my lovely girlfriend, June Landry, is running for senior class vice president. Come on out here, babe.” He waves her onto the stage and June walks on, she bounces with each step. There’s scattered applause. I just know Blair is out there throwing daggers at her with her eyes.

“I have lived in Southampton my whole life,” Victor continues, “I love it. Being your president would give me the opportunity to be in a position of power to serve our school and community. I have vast knowledge of this school’s history and the people in it. Unlike my opponent who has not lived here for even a month, this knowledge allows me to do what’s right in the school. The senior class president is the only student council member that sits on the school board. That means I get real-time insight and can give ideas to the board that would impact the student body. So, vote for me. I am a true member of this community and will be the best choice for you. Thank you.”

My stomach twists as the crowd cheers and he shines a wide, toothy grin.

“Jonah, you’re up.”

Victor stops right by me when he is backstage. “Good luck, Jonah,” he whispers in my ear. “You’re going to need it.” His breath tickles my ear.

I reach up and touch Will’s necklace quickly before stepping onto the stage. My speech is still in a ball in my hand and it suddenly doesn’t feel right to say what I wrote after hearing Victor’s speech. The spotlight is hot. The crowd is big. A thousand eyes stare at me.

I look down at the podium and then take a quick deep breath before looking up.

“Good afternoon,” I say. “Some of you may know me, some of you may not, and some of you may have heard of me. I’m Jonah Kildare and if you can recall, my opponent had alluded to me not being here for very long. He’s right. I’m new. I’ve been here for only two weeks and in this short period of time, I’ve come to really enjoy it here. There’s a strong sense of community. But when I was listening to my opponent's speech, I noticed something. While he mentioned community, he spoke about wanting to run for this position to have power. That he would give ideas to the school board being the only student council member at the table.

“While I’m sure having the privilege of growing up here has its advantages of knowing a lot about the school and surrounding area, I would want to vote for someone who doesn’t want this position for the purposes of power. And that person you can vote for is me. I’m not running to feel superior. I’m running because I want to be a student like all of you, but at the same time, take all the things that I hear about how the school can improve and share that with whomever I can. I am also running with the lovely William Caputo. Come on out here, Will!” I turn to him who is standing at the stage entrance. He walks on and the crowd erupts into a loud cheer. He waves and comes to my side.

“Hi there,” he says into the mic. “Jonah is a great guy—” he smiles at me “—and I think being a new student has its advantages. It can give us a clean slate. Give a new perspective that can push us out of the status quo. And he’d also have me for any school history because I’ve grown up here. We’re a duo. Ready to serve for you and with you.”

“Thank you,” I say, “and uh, yeah. That’s it. Vote for us!” I laugh into the mic.

“Woohoo!” Will says.

And then it happens and my heart jumps from my chest. The crowd cheers. A lot. And loud. And they’re standing. And then I hear someone say, “Kildare! Kildare! Kildare!”

And then it roars through the air. My name. Over and over.

Will leans towards me and whispers, “You so got this.”

I wave out to the crowd and we walk off. My heart is pounding and I feel like I could run a damn marathon. Even some of the people backstage are clapping too.

“Dude,” Will says, coming up next to me. “That was incredible! Did you just completely improvise that?”

I nod. “Yeah, after hearing Victor’s robotic ass speech, I had to change it.”

“It was awesome.”

“You certainly helped out too.”

He shrugs. “You did the bulk of it.”

“Hey!” We both jump as Victor comes up to us. “Dude, Will, what the fuck?” He pushes Will’s shoulder causing him to stumble back a few steps. “You told me you didn’t want to run because it would ‘take up too much time’ and yet here you are doing it with this loser.” He gestures to me.

“Fuck off, Victor,” Will says.

Victor then faces me. “I bet you’re happy. But this is personal to me. You don’t belong here, you know that. And you steal my best friend. Watch yourself.” His voice is low and the darkness of the backstage area seems to surround him.

“You’ve never been a good friend to me,” Will says. “So don’t play that card. It’s bullshit.”

“All I’ve done is try to protect you, dude!” Victor steps up to us. “Jonah, how much do you really know about your new BFF here, huh? I’m sure he’s put on a lovely face for you and you think he’s mister goodie-two-shoes. Did you wonder why he wasn’t drinking at Carter’s party? And no, it wasn’t because he was being nice so he could drive your ass around.”

“Victor, don’t.” Will’s gone rigid.

Victor rolls his eyes and chuckles. “He’s not that guy, I promise you. It’s because his dad is a fucking drunk and it passed down to his son and Will’s been doing benders since he was thirteen and then he would go online and make himself look older to reel in older women and guys to get alcohol. And sex. So yeah, your guy here is a mess. And all I’ve ever done for him is make sure he’s protected and okay. Well, fine then, William. If you don’t want or need my help anymore, so be it. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

Will doesn’t say anything but his mouth opens and closes before he walks off leaving me in the dim light with Victor.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” I spit.

“I’m just being honest, Jonah,” he says. “I thought you’d want to know.”

“None of that stuff scares me,” I say. “I’m damaged myself. I’m not perfect and far from it. And I don’t go around pretending that I am either.” I step closer to him, our chests only inches apart. “Stay away from us. Remember what I said at the track meet? Fuck around and find out.”

I walk away from him before he can say anything back. My fists are clenched and another second near him would’ve been another second of me being closer to punching him in the face. And Lord knows I want to. Right in the nose.

Will is nowhere to be found. The auditorium was cleared out after the speeches and the sea of people makes it nearly impossible to find him. Plus, I can’t get through because people keep saying they’re voting for me, saying congratulations, and patting me on the back.

Monty, Blair, and Cal come up to me and give me a hug.

“That was so good,” Monty says. “People are talking about you. You’re gonna be the famous one around here.”

“You’ve got my vote,” Blair says.

“Thanks guys,” I say. “Have either of you seen Will?” I dart my eyes around and still, nothing.

Cal shakes his head. “Nope, why?”

“Victor said some shit about him and he stormed off. I gotta find him.”

Monty checks his watch. “They let school out early. Maybe he went home?”

“Okay, what’s his address?”

“I think it’s uh, four-ten Isle Way,” Cal says. “You’ll know it’s his. They have a sign that says, ‘Caputo’ on it.”

“Got it,” I say. “Catch you guys later!” I run off and pull out my phone to call an Uber. There’s a text from James.

[How’d it go??]

I’ll respond later. Will needs me first.

✦✦✦

THE Uber ride costs me forty dollars and takes thirty minutes for some reason, but it gets me there.

“Oh, shit,” I mutter as the car pulls up in front of his house. And Cal was right. The sign is right there. “Thank you,” I say to the driver before jumping out.

Will’s house is big and modern. Sleek, straight edges. White all around. And lots of glass. I knock on the door. After a few moments, a woman opens the door. She’s in athletic wear and her hair is pulled back. A thin layer of sweat is visible on her skin.

“Hi, is Will here?” I ask.

“Yeah, he is. He came home early. Seems to be in a mood,” she responds. “May I ask who you are? I haven’t seen you before.”

“Oh, sorry, yes. I’m Jonah Kildare.”

She lights up. “Oh! You’re Jonah! Please come in. He’s told me lots about you.”

I step into the front entrance. The whole place is very open. The beach is visible through the massive floor-to-ceiling windows on the other side of the living room. It smells like vanilla. Everything is white or various shades of brown. I almost don’t want to touch anything or walk any further at risk of making it dirty.

“He’s upstairs in his room,” she says, “and I’m his mom, Danielle.”

“It’s nice to meet you,” I say. “Uh, do you want me to take my shoes off?”

She swats her hand. “Nah, it’s okay. Our cleaner is here every other day.”

“Okay, thanks.” I nod and then start up the steps. The house is quiet. Weirdly quiet. There’s a slight hum, though. I’m thinking it’s the air vents.

I reach the top of the stairs and run into a problem. She didn’t tell me which room was his and there’s a lot of doors down the hall. Do I just go around opening doors? Would that be weird? All the doors look the same!

I make my way down the hall slowly to take in everything so I can make an informed decision on which room is his. To my luck, most of the doors are already slightly open which makes it easy to quickly peek in. Finally, there’s one more door and it’s closed. I put my ear to the door to maybe hear something. But there’s nothing.

“What the hell,” I mutter before knocking. “Will? You in there?”

Silence.

I knock again. There’s some shuffling and then the door swings open.

“Victor, I swea—” Will pauses when he sees it's me. The room is completely dark. His skin contrasts against it. “Oh. Hi.”

“Hey,” I say. “Can I come in?”

He bites his lips and then opens the door more allowing me to slip past him. When he closes the door, I’m enveloped in the darkness but he flicks on a lamp. His room is big and completely different than the rest of the house. His walls are a dark blue. Superhero posters line the walls. Lego sets sit on a shelf. There’s a soccer ball and clothes on the floor. His bed is unmade. It makes me at ease. I sit on his bed.

“Look,” Will says, scratching his head. “I, uh,—” he looks off at the wall, his gaze blank. He sways on his feet.

“You know none of that stuff scares me,” I say. “I told Victor that. It doesn’t. It doesn’t change what I think about you.”

Will comes to the bed and sits next to me. His arm brushes against mine. “It sucks. I didn’t want you to know this stuff about me. But it’s mostly true. I’ve been fine though. I haven’t drank in a year. It’s what I’m in therapy for. And my dad is sober too. Has been for several years now. But Victor dangles it over my head and acts like he saved me. But he didn’t. He truly made it worse.” He looks at me, a tear rolls down his face. “And I didn’t have sex with anyone. I came close, but never did.”

“Hey, it’s okay,” I say. “You don’t have to apologize for it.”

“I’m trying,” he whispers.

“We’re learning a lot about each other, aren’t we?”

“And saying sorry a lot.” He chuckles a bit.

“You said if we do this, we do it together.”

He reaches over and squeezes my leg. “You’re right. Together.” He looks away for a moment and then back at me. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.” My heart is back to being a kick drum.

“Who is James?”

Shit. I feel like someone just punched the brakes and my nose hit the steering wheel. How does he know about him?

“Sorry,” Will says. “It’s just that you’ve slipped his name a couple of times and at the party, I thought you were talking to him on the phone.”

I blink several times and just stare at Will trying to find the words. And for a few seconds, nothing comes. But he and I are being honest with each other today.

“He’s my—well, was my boyfriend back home,” I say. Will doesn’t react. “We, uh, lost contact and I just recently reconnected with him.”

“What happened?” His hand is still on my leg.

My mouth is dry. “The last time I saw him was the night my parents died. We were caught in his room. And he was cut off from me. It was abrupt. For four months I had no idea where he was or worse, if he was actually alive too. But he remembered my number recently and called me. He’s in Rhode Island now with extended family.”

“Are you with him still?”

I shake my head, shrug a little. “Honestly, I don’t know. We haven’t spoken about that at all. I can’t bring myself to ask. I keep picturing all that has changed with him. That maybe he’s found someone new out there.”

“I’m sure he wonders the same about you,” Will says. He seems closer.

“Yeah, I bet,” I whisper. “I do miss him though. He was my best friend. Knew me inside and out.”

Our eyes are locked on each other. My body vibrates. His hand is hot. His lips tremble. But he stands up and faces away from me.

“Well, enough of this moody stuff,” he says, turning back and smiling. “It’s exhausting. Do you wanna do something? We could go to the beach. It’s in my backyard after all.”

“Okay.” I stand. “Sure.” I can’t help but notice the shift in him now. He seems off. It lets me know something though. Something I need to do.

I need to ask James about us. What are we and where do we go from here?

I touch Will’s necklace again at the same time my phone buzzes. I pull it out. Another text from James.

[Did you know there’s a ferry to Rhode Island?]