Bleeding Hearts - 12. Chapter 12

After I calmed down, I drove home. I needed to talk to somebody, and Adam the person I could think of. Unfortunately, when I went inside, I found a note from Adam saying that he and Steve were gone to get dinner and would be back soon.

I didn’t feel like I knew Steve well enough to spill my guts in front of him, so my talk with Adam would have to wait. To kill time, I went up to what had become my room and started on homework.

I was interrupted a short while later by a buzz from my phone. I looked down to see it was a text from a number I didn’t recognize.

All it said was, “Hey.”

“Who’s this?” I replied.

“Kane!”

“Oh! Hey! What’s up?”

“Things are so bad. 😭”

“Why? What’s wrong?”

“All mom and I do is fight anymore. I called her a liar tonight. I haven’t left my room since.”

“I’m sorry. That sucks.”

“For real. She’s such a bitch. No wonder dad went gay. 🤣”

“lol I don’t think that’s how it works.”

“Duh. I’m kidding. But I’ve been thinking...do you think being gay is genetic?”

“Uh...I don’t know. What do you mean?”

“Like...do you think you get it from your parents? Dad is gay. Seth was gay. Maybe I’m gay too?”

“My parents aren’t gay. Why would you think you’re gay?”

“I dunno. It was kind of nice when you held me when i was crying.”

“I don’t think that means you’re gay.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right. Can I call you later?”

“Sure.”

“Cool. Later.”

I took a deep breath. That was unexpected. Could Kane really be gay? Was it genetic? I hadn’t thought much about it. I definitely didn’t consider myself qualified to counsel someone else on this topic. I was confused enough on my own.

It occurred to me that I didn’t really know very much about why people are gay. I’d accepted the fact that I was and never wondered why. I didn’t have any clue what to tell Kane when he called later. It was time for some research. I opened my browser and googled “What makes people gay?”

I picked an article at random and started reading. The article said that nobody knows for sure what makes people gay, but that the scientific consensus was that sexual orientation is determined before birth. In other words, Lady Gaga was right. I really was born this way. Although, the writer stressed that there is no one, single gay gene, and it’s likely a complex combination of hundreds or even thousands of genes in specific combinations. The article also said that queer people can’t control who they’re attracted to, and that you can’t change a person’s sexual orientation through therapy, treatment or abuse.

I was still reading when Adam called me down for dinner. I hadn’t even heard them come in.

I went down to discover they’d gotten an assortment of Chinese takeouts. They spent the next few minutes teaching me how to use chopsticks. I wouldn’t say I was an expert by the time we were finished, but I was able to feed myself without wearing too much of the food.

After dinner, Adam asked me about my day as we started cleaning up. I glanced at Steve, and he noticed.

“You want me to leave you alone?” he asked.

“No,” I said with a sigh. “It’s fine. It’s just...a lot.”

Adam stopped what he was doing and sat back down at the table, then patted my chair. “Sit. Spill.”

I did as I was told and launched into the story of my very bad, no good, terrible day. How it had started almost as soon as we left with Asher telling he was basically going to ignore me at school, how Zack and Jesse ambushed me, and how, when I couldn’t find Asher after school, I’d driven to his house only to discover that they’d beaten him up. Then I told them about our fight. I was particularly proud that I managed to get through all of that without crying.

“Unfortunately, Asher’s reaction is normal,” Steve said when I’d finished, “especially if he’s still uncertain about what he wants.”

“Frankly, I’m more concerned about what he knows,” Adam said with an edge to his voice.

“I admit it does sound as if he may know more than he’s saying about Seth,” Steve agreed, “but there’s no way of knowing what that might be, and it’s useless to speculate. I think this situation with Zack and Jesse is far more worrisome. Something is going to have to be done about those boys. Their behavior is clearly harassment, and we can’t allow it to continue. There are anti-discrimination laws now. I think we need to talk to the administration.”

“Wouldn’t I have to tell them I’m gay?” I asked.

“Not necessarily. The laws also protect perceived orientation, so even if someone is harassing you because they think you might be gay, the school can punish them. It doesn’t matter if you really are gay or not.”

“But everyone will assume I am, and I’m not ready to come out at school.”

“You may not have a choice if Zack and Jesse tell everyone.”

“Maybe Asher can convince them not to say anything,” I said, but I sounded doubtful even to myself.

“Either way, they can’t be allowed to get away with this. Someone could get hurt worse than a black eye.”

“Maybe they already have,” Adam said darkly.

“You think they might have been involved in Seth’s murder?” Steve asked him sharply.

“Maybe—and if not, it’s possible they know something about what happened.”

“I can’t very well walk up to them and ask,” I objected, “especially not after today. In fact, I’ll be doing everything I can to avoid them.”

“Maybe we should go to the police,” Steve suggested.

“And tell them what? That two kids at my school are picking on me? They didn’t even care that Seth was getting threatening notes.”

“Then what about your principal? Maybe they’d be willing to step in and question the boys.”

“That’s assuming he’d do more than the police.”

“If he was aware of the harassment, he could help protect you—” Steve began but I cut him off.

“The same way he protected Seth? Even if he took me seriously and protected me at school, if Zack and Jesse are determined enough, they’d just find me outside of school. They’re bullies, and bullies pick on people.”

“So you’re just going to do nothing?”

“I didn’t say that. I just think I can do more by flying under the radar.”

Adam interrupted. “Speaking of which, have you had a chance to start asking questions at school yet?”

“Not yet. I’m not quite sure where to start. I was kind of waiting until things returned to normal.”

He nodded. “Smart thinking. As for what to say, you’ll have to play it by ear. Just be very careful. Zack and Jesse are dangerous even if they had nothing to do with Seth’s murder. Now that they know you’re gay, they’ll probably be targeting you.”

We were back to that. It was time to steer the conversation in a new direction.

“Do you need any help cleaning up? I still have a lot of homework.”

Adam rolled his eyes. “I know an excuse to avoid helping with cleanup when I hear one.”

“No! I really do.”

“Go ahead. Steve and I can handle the dishes. There’s not much.”

I wasn’t about to argue. I made my escape and went back upstairs to finish my schoolwork. I really did have a lot to finish. I’d gotten distracted with my research.

I stayed up late waiting for Kane’s call, but it never came. When I gave up at last and went to bed, all I could do was toss and turn. I knew he’d probably just forgotten to call, but that didn’t stop me from worrying. I hoped nothing was wrong.

I finally managed to doze off after what seemed like hours. I don’t know how long I was asleep before the attacker was there, or how long he was there before I noticed him, but he suddenly appeared on the edge of my consciousness. Just a black smudge in my peripheral vision at first, but as I became more aware of him, he grew in clarity, although he still didn’t have a face.

He didn’t attack me, just stood there and stared at me. I couldn’t explain how I knew he was staring—it’s not like he had eyes—I just did. Somehow, his silent taunting was even worse than an actual attack, as if he were telling me he could have me whenever he wanted.

As he began to fade back into the shadows, I woke with a start, feeling quite unsettled, my heart pounding. There was no Asher to help me get back to sleep that time. I never did drop off again, for fear the killer would be there waiting for me like some real-life Freddy Krueger. As a result, I was tired and cranky at breakfast.

My bad mood continued throughout the rest of the weekend. Since Asher was still avoiding me, I stayed in my room a lot. I wasn’t very good company anyway. I didn’t hear any more from Kane, so I continued to worry about him as well. At least it helped distract me from the situation with Asher.

By the time Monday rolled around, the black cloud over my head was my constant companion. It accompanied me back to school, where I found it impossible to concentrate in class. I felt like I was constantly on edge, always looking over my shoulder for Zack and Jesse, or a glimpse of Asher that never came.

I was getting some stuff out my locker between first and second periods when someone tapped me on the shoulder.

I yelped and spun around to find Gilly Sheridan leaning against the locker next to mine. I hadn’t talked to her much since she’d asked me out the last time. I hoped we weren’t about to have a repeat of that awkward encounter.

“Hi, Killian,” she greeted me cheerily.

“Hi, Gilly,” I responded with my head as far in the locker as I could get it without stepping inside.

“Uh, can I talk to you?”

“Sure.”

“I mean without your head stuck in the locker.”

I reluctantly withdrew my head, shut the door, and looked at her.

Her expression was concerned. “Are you okay, Killian?”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

“You seemed really distracted in class this morning—actually, you’ve seemed distracted a lot lately. And, well, I’ve heard some stuff.”

She had my full attention. “Like what?”

“Just...stuff,” she finished lamely. The bell rang, and she pushed away from the locker. “Maybe we can talk later. I’ll find you at lunch.”

Just what I need, I thought gloomily, something else to worry about.

I suspected I already knew what people were saying, but I wanted to confirm it. I needed to hear it for myself.

I zoned out through my entire next class worrying about what Gilly had to tell me.

As soon as the class ended, I practically ran to the cafeteria, just to wait impatiently for her. She sailed into the room after a few minutes, spotted me and motioned for me to follow her. She led me to a table in the far corner, where she took a seat facing the room.

I sat down across from her and got right to the point. “So what’s this stuff you’ve been hearing about me?”

“Well, you know I don’t believe any of it—” She looked away, refusing to meet my eyes. “— but, um, Zack and Jesse are saying that you’re gay.” She was looking anywhere but at me.

I sighed. I guess it was inevitable. There was no way they were ever going to keep it to themselves, despite what Asher said. The question was, did I own it or deny it? Would it even do any good to claim I was hetero?

I looked over at the girl sitting next to me and thought about what I knew of her. She had a reputation for being something of a crusader for the underdog. I’d never heard anyone so much as suggest that she was bigoted or mean-spirited. I made an impulsive decision to be completely honest. If Zack and Jesse were going to tell everyone anyway, what did I have to lose? It might be good to have Gilly Sheridan on my side. She wasn’t the most popular girl at school, but she was well-liked and respected.

I took a deep breath. “They’re telling the truth for once.” I stared down at the table, wishing I had something to do with my hands. Neither of us had grabbed any food. Not that I could have eaten even if I had. My stomach was in a knot, and I was sure that if I’d put anything in it, I would have promptly thrown it right back up.

She stayed silent for so long I finally had to look up. She was watching me with a curious expression. Curiosity was better than hatred or revulsion, but for some reason it had me almost as worried.

“Is that why you’d never go out with me?”

I shrugged. “I guess so.”

“Well, at least I don’t feel like a total loser now.” A grin slowly spread across her face.

I hesitantly smiled back, just a little, although I was still nervous.

“You look like you’re gonna vom. Chill. You don’t have to worry; I won’t tell anybody.”

“Thanks, but you won’t have to with Zack and Jesse running around telling the whole damn school.” I grimaced. “I wasn’t ready for people to know, but I guess I don’t have much choice now.”

“How’d they find out, anyway?”

I felt my face heat up. “They...didn’t say?”

“No, which is why I thought maybe they were making it up just to be jackasses like usual.”

“Oh.” It occurred to me that maybe I could have lied my way out of this, but it was too late.

“So?” She leaned in as if waiting for some juicy gossip. “What happened?”

“They, uh...saw me kissing...someone.”

Her eyes flew open wide. “A guy? Who?” She sounded so excited you’d have thought we were discussing her favorite show. “Does he go here?”

I felt sweat trickle down my back. “I can’t really say.” I desperately hoped she’d drop it.

She blinked, but then gave a little nod. “I guess I can respect that.”

I breathed a sigh of relief.

“Can you at least say if he goes to our school?”

“Uh, I’d rather not.”

She sighed dramatically. “Fine. Keep your dirty little secrets.” Then suddenly her face lit up. “Oh, hey! If you really want to confuse people, we could always pretend to date. Nobody would believe Zack and Jesse if you were dating me.” She giggled. “Besides, that’s as close as I’ll ever get to the real thing.”

“I don’t—” I started to say, then stopped.

It occurred to me that it might be beneficial to have an in with the popular crowd when I started asking questions. Besides, as she’d said, a girlfriend might help me counter the rumors Zack and Jesse were spreading. I liked Gilly well enough. Maybe I should take her up on her offer.

“I need to think about it. Is that okay?”

“Of course. Here, give me your phone and I’ll put in my number. Call me later and we can talk more.” I handed her my phone, and she quickly saved her number in my contacts. “Now text me so I’ll have your number.”

I texted her and then sat awkwardly for a few minutes while she played with her phone.

“You know,” she said eventually, without looking up from her phone, “I’ve had a crush on you for years.”

What does one say to that? “Oh,” was my witty response.

“I always wondered what was wrong with me that you’d practically run away screaming whenever I asked you out. In all that time, it never occurred to me that you might be gay. I guess we only see what we want to see, huh? I was actually kind of relieved when I overheard Zack telling somebody you’re gay. I had to find you right away to see if it was true.”

“Well...now you know.”

She nodded. “Yeah, now I know.” She looked pensive. “To be honest, while it’s a relief to find out it’s not me, it still makes me kind of sad. I guess I’ve just liked you for so long I feel like I’m losing something, even though I never really had it. I guess that sounds stupid, huh?”

It did, but I felt like it would be rude to agree. I wondered if all girls had their own logic. What was I even supposed to say to that? All I could come up with was, “I’m...sorry?”

She laughed. “Don’t be sorry, silly. I’m not trying to make you feel bad.” She stood up and played with one of my curls. “I’ll happily settle for friends.” I nodded dumbly. “Call me tonight.”

“I will.”

She smiled brightly, then ran off to get back to class.

I sat and thought about our awkward conversation and her offer. She didn’t appear at all bothered by the fact that I was gay, really, aside from her disappointment. I remembered Asher telling me that her family was extremely religious, and her dad was really strict and a little weird, but Gilly seemed nice. As far as I knew, she’d only gone out with a few guys and always only for very short periods of time. While she was popular, she was also considered something of a good girl. She and Asher had only lasted about a month before she broke things off with no warning.

I wished I could ask Asher about it, but that wasn’t an option at the moment. I decided to talk to Adam when I got home and see what he thought about the idea of pretending to date her.

The bell rang signaling the end of lunch, and I realized I’d been so lost in thought that I hadn’t eaten at all. I grabbed my backpack and rushed off to class. It was going to be a long afternoon.

I was just as out of it for my last two classes of the day. I did start watching opportunities to ask questions about Seth, but none arose. I wanted it to happen organically, so whoever I talked to wouldn’t think enough of it to mention it to the wrong person. That’s where the problem came in. I didn’t really talk to anyone even when I wasn’t the current hot topic of the rumor mill.

I saw Zack and Jesse once in the hall between classes and ducked into a classroom to avoid them. I got a funny stare from the teacher, but I didn’t care as long as I didn’t have to deal with the dynamic duo.

After school I rushed directly home, happy to have avoided my bullies successfully for an entire day.

I waited until after dinner to bring up the subject of Gilly with Adam. When I finished telling him about our conversation and her offer, he thought for a minute.

“So she’d be your beard?”

“Huh?’

“That’s the term for someone a queer person dates or marries so they appear to be heterosexual.”

“Oh, then yeah. I can’t grow one yet, but I guess she’d be my beard.”

“And it was her idea?”

“Yeah, she suggested it. She wants me to call her tonight to talk about it.”

“How do you feel about it?”

“Um... I don’t know. I guess it would be kind of nice to have more time and to be able to come out on my own terms when I’m ready.”

“Then, in that case, if you’re sure she understands what she’s suggesting, then maybe you should go for it. It might take the heat off you for now. Just make sure you’re very upfront with her. Sometimes, girls think they can change you. Gilly sounds like a nice girl, though. She could be a good friend if nothing else. Every gay boy needs his hag.”

“His what?” I asked.

He laughed. “When I was young—younger, we used to call straight girls who were best friends with gay guys fag hags.”

I frowned. “I don’t like the word fag.”

“I don’t either. I guess I’m showing my age again, huh? I wonder what they call them these days.”

“Maybe just friends?”

Adam laughed. “Yeah, I guess so.”

After I helped load the dishwasher, I went up to my room to finish my homework. Much to my relief, I got a text from Kane a short while later.

“Sorry I never called last week. Nothing much has changed. I’ll try to call you soon.”

I felt so sorry for him. I wanted to protect him, but I wasn’t sure how or from what. I had enough problems of my own, and he was too far away for me to do much.

I decided to call Gilly to see if we were on the same wavelength. Gilly answered but before I’d even finished saying hi, I heard a man in the background grilling Gilly about who was calling. I guessed him to be her father. I couldn’t hear her response, she must have covered the phone, but finally she came back on the line.

“Sorry about that. I’m in my room now so we can talk without my dad breathing down my neck.”

“It’s okay. So, um, you wanted me to call.”

“I’m so glad you did.” She sounded as if she meant it. “Honestly, I didn’t really expect you to.”

“Well, I was thinking about what you said today. You know, about us pretending to date? Are you sure you want to do that? I mean, it doesn’t seem very fair to you.”

“Hey, I’m a big girl. Don’t worry about me. I offered, didn’t I? Look, at first it was kind of an impulsive sort of thing, but the more I think about it, the more I want to do it. I’m not really into any of the guys at school right now, so it’s not like I’ll be missing out on the boy of my dreams. If someone does come along, we can just break up. No big deal. I want to be your friend, and this is something I can do to help you out.”

“That means a lot to me, Gilly. I don’t know why you are being so nice to me. I’ve never done anything for you. It really doesn’t bother you that I’m gay?”

“I’m only asking for your friendship. I’m not one of those Kleenex people.”

She’d lost me. “Kleenex people?”

“Yeah, you know—the ones who use you and then throw you away like you’re a tissue.” She lowered her voice. “As far as your being gay, no, it doesn’t bother me at all. Why would it? Besides, I had an uncle who was gay.”

“What’s up with everybody having a gay uncle?”

“Huh?”

“Never mind.” I was afraid to mention Asher for fear she’d connect him to the guy I was caught kissing.

“Okay, so...I guess this means we’re dating?”

Coming from Gilly Sheridan that sounded so weird I almost laughed out loud, but I managed to restrain myself. “Yeah, I guess so.”

“Great! Hey, why don’t you come over for dinner tomorrow after school so you can meet my family? If you’re gonna be my pretend boyfriend, then you need to know them. Besides, my dad won’t let me date anyone he hasn’t met. We’re having this big family dinner because my aunt is in town from California. Everyone will be here, and you can get it all over with at once.”

I gulped. “Who is everyone?” I knew she had two brothers, an older brother named Todd who was a senior, and a twin brother named Jake, who only I knew by reputation since we’d never had any classes together. He ran with the surfer/skater/stoner crowd, so our social circles tended not to overlap. Besides her father being strict, that was pretty much the only information I had about her family.

“Oh, well, it’s not that many people, just my family, you know, my brothers, Mom and Dad, and my aunt. Wait till you meet Aunt Judy. She’s my mom’s sister and she’s a little...um...eccentric. She thinks she’s some sort of psychic or something. She says it runs in our family. Maybe I’ll tell your fortune?” She started giggling again.

“Who’re you talking to?” asked a male voice in the background. It wasn’t the same person who’d answered the phone. “Who are you inviting to dinner?”

“Who’s that?” I asked.

She sighed. “Todd. He thinks he has to watch out for me.”

“I do,” I heard Todd say. “That’s what big brothers do.”

“You mean eavesdrop? You’re so rude. I’ve told you a million times that you can’t just barge into my room whenever you want. Get out.” There was a pause, then Gilly continued. “Okay, he’s gone now. I swear, sometimes he’s worse than my father.”

“I wish I had a brother to watch out for me. I’m an only child.”

“You wouldn’t say that if you had a brother. They’re a pain in the ass. So now that you know all about my crazy family, how about dinner?”

“Well...”

“Please?”

“Okay,” I gave in. “I’ll check with Adam, but I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

“Who’s Adam?”

“Oh, uh...Adam is Seth’s dad. I kind of live with him now. My dad kicked me out when he found out I was gay.”

“Oh, Killian. That’s horrible. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not as big a deal as it sounds. I hated my dad anyway. I like living with Adam. He’s cool. He’s more like my dad already than my real father ever was. I do miss my mom, though.”

“She stayed?”

“Yeah, she’s afraid of him.”

“Well, he is pretty influential around here.”

“Yeah.”

“Can you do me a favor at dinner tomorrow and not mention who you live with now?”

“Um, okay...but why?”

“My dad is kind of weird about things like that.”

“What about your gay uncle?”

“Oh, he’s dead.”

“Oh, gosh. I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, it was really sad. He vanished a few years ago. Months later, they found him dead, buried in a shallow grave in the woods in the middle of nowhere. Some poor guy was out rabbit hunting, and his dog found him. Dug him up. It must have been awful. He was my mom’s older brother, and I guess they were close growing up. She took it really hard. I always thought he was great, but my dad couldn’t stand him. He wasn’t even allowed to come to our house, so we only got to see him when we visited him with Mom.”

Great, I thought irritably. What am I getting into?

“Did they ever catch his killer?”

“No. I guess it’s one of those unsolved mysteries.”

I shuddered and hoped Seth’s death wouldn’t go unsolved. I started to say something to that effect when I heard Todd’s voice in the background again.

“Hang on.” I could hear Gilly talking to Todd, but her voice was again muffled. Then she came back. “Hey, I have to go. You’ll be here for dinner tomorrow?”

“I mean I have to ask...”

“Cool. Just text me later to let me know for sure. Buh-bye.”

“Bye.”

I hung up and flopped back on the bed. I mulled over the events of the day and how a brief phone conversation had changed everything. I had gone from dating Asher—however short-lived that had been—and having it spread around school that I was gay, to dating his ex...who was a girl. Of course, Gilly was only my beard.

I giggled, picturing myself wearing a fake beard like a bad spy. Just call me Kendall, Killian Kendall.

I was still lying on my bed when the phone buzzed in my hand. “Hello. This is Kendall, Killian Kendall.” I put on my best English accent as I answered.

“Killian?” a shaky voice said uncertainly.

“Kane! Hey. Are you okay?” I dropped the accent, along with all traces of silliness.

“No.”

“What’s wrong?”

“I’ve got to get out of here. It’s horrible.”

“What’s going on?”

“Mom watches every move I make now. She won’t let me do anything with any of my friends. I go to school and have to come right home. She took my phone away. She never speaks to me except to scream. She’s going through my stuff. Yesterday she slapped me. I mean, I said some pretty mean stuff to her, but she’s never hit me before. I hate her. She lied to me about Dad, she kicked Seth out, and then she dragged me back here even though she doesn’t even want me. I can’t stand it anymore.”

“Kane, slow down. How did you call me if she took your phone?”

“She’s not home right now. She locked my phone in a desk drawer, but I know where the key is. Don’t worry. I’ll put it back before she gets home...unless...”

“Unless what?”

“Unless I just run away. I’ve been thinking about it a lot. I want to be with you guys.”

“Look, if you run away, your mom will just take you back again and your dad would get in a lot of trouble. It would only make things worse. You’re going to have to do this the right way.”

“What right way?”

“I don’t know, but I know running away isn’t it. There’s got to be a legal way—”

“That takes too long. I want out now.”

“I don’t know. Hang on, I’m getting your dad. Maybe he’ll know what to do.” I didn’t wait for Kane to answer; I just took off for the living room, where Adam was reading a book.

“Adam, Kane is on the phone, and he’s really upset. I think you’d better talk to him. He wants to run away.”

Adam snatched the phone from my hand.

“Kane?” His voice was filled with tension.

He listened for a while, making comforting noises occasionally. Finally, he said, “Kane, listen to me, son. Hang in there for a few more days. I’ll call my lawyer in the morning and see what’s involved here. We’ll get you out of there, I promise. If your mom hits you again, though, call me immediately and I’ll come get you, damn her lawyers.”

They talked for a few more minutes, then said goodbye.

Adam rubbed his face tiredly, the stress plain on his face. “Thank you, Killian.”

“For what?”

“For being there for Kane. He told me he’s been talking to you and what you told him. You’re a good friend and a good person. You’ve proven over and over that I can trust you. I was too emotional to talk the other night when you said I was like a father to you, but I want you to know that I have come to think of you as a son as well.”

I took the few steps between us in one leap and gave him a huge hug.

I backed up and gave him a lopsided smile. “So do you think we can get Kane?”

“I’m not going to stop until we do,” Adam said with resolve. “I’m sick of Eve using him as a weapon against me. He’s not a pawn in some petty game of revenge.”

“I wish there were some way we could get him without a fight.”

“Me, too, kiddo, trust me. Unfortunately, when it comes to me, Eve won’t do anything without a fight. She hates me with a passion. But enough about that. Have you talked to Gilly?”

I quickly filled him in on our conversation and asked if it was okay for me to go to dinner at her house. He agreed without hesitation. We talked for a while longer, then watched TV until it was time for bed.

The nightmare came back with a vengeance that night. I was in my bedroom, Seth’s old room, and Seth was there, and, for the first time in my dreams, he wasn’t dead. He had a book in his hands, which he kept holding toward me, but I couldn’t move to take it. He seemed to be urging me to do something, but I couldn’t understand what. The faceless man stood malevolently in the background, not saying a word but making his presence clearly felt.

I awoke in a cold sweat, crying and shaking. Seth’s urgent if incoherent demands had made the dream even more upsetting than usual. I wouldn’t be falling back asleep any time soon, so I decided to go down to the kitchen and have a snack. I was rummaging through the fridge when I heard footsteps behind me. I spun around with a gasp, but it was just Adam.

“I thought I heard someone down here,” he said. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you.”

“It’s okay. I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

“You didn’t. I couldn’t sleep. You?”

“Nightmare.”

He sighed. “I called a therapist the other day, but they weren’t taking any new clients. They gave me the number for someone else they recommended, but I just got their voicemail. I haven’t heard back yet. I’m sorry.”

“Will counseling make the nightmares stop?”

“I don’t know, Kill,” he replied, his voice weary. “I hope so. You’ve been through so much.”

“I think I’m doing pretty well, considering. It’s just these stupid nightmares...”

“You are doing amazingly well but remember what I said before. I suspect the nightmares are just a symptom. There’s a lot of stuff you haven’t really dealt with. You’ve just shoved it all down and ignored it in an effort to live your life as normally as possible. It’s like a defense mechanism, but you can’t go on that way indefinitely.”

“What about you? You’ve been through a lot, too. You seem all right.”

“Appearances can be deceiving.”

“What do you mean?”

“Losing Seth has been incredibly hard—especially since a part of me feels I should have done more to protect him, taken the notes more seriously...something. I blame myself for so much. I haven’t been sleeping much.”

I felt horrible. I’d never really considered that Adam might be having a hard time, too. In my mind, he was the strong one, the one who’d been holding everything together while I fell apart. Maybe I could be the one offering comfort for a change. “You couldn’t know—” I started.

“Oh I know. At least I know that intellectually. And Steve keeps reminding me. I don’t know what I’d do without him. He’s been a huge support for me through this. Having you here has been a godsend. Maybe we should both stop suffering silently and be here for each other. What do you think?”

I crossed the kitchen and gave him a hug, which he returned. “Sounds good to me.”

“Good. Tomorrow, I’ll call that therapist again, and if I can’t get up with him, I’ll get some more references and get us some professional help, as well.”

I nodded.

Adam pulled away and gave me a sad smile. “Now, how about I make us some warm milk so we can get back to bed.”

I made a face. “People really drink that?”

“Hey, don’t knock it until you try it. Sometimes, those old wives’ tales really work.”

I shrugged. “Well, it can’t hurt.”

Adam made us a couple of mugs of warm milk and sent me to bed. I don’t know if it was the milk or just exhaustion, but, thankfully, I was able to fall asleep pretty soon after getting back in bed, and neither Seth nor the killer haunted my dreams anymore that night.

 

 

I overslept a little and was late getting to class, so I didn’t get to talk to Gilly until after first period. We met by the door, and she gave me a big hug. I noticed our classmates grinning at us as they filed out.

“Does everyone know already?” It never ceased to amaze me how fast news travels in a high school.

“Sure seems that way,” she said with an impish grin. “All I did was tell a few people, and it spread like wildfire.” She shrugged. “I guess after the rumors that Zack and Jesse were spreading this is hot stuff. Who would have thought?” She giggled.

I laughed. “You’re a mastermind.”

“Nah, I just know how this stuff works. So, can you come tonight?”

“Yeah, Adam said it was fine.”

She squealed with delight, then gave me another hug and a peck on the cheek before running off to her next class.

I was eating lunch later that day when someone sat down next to me. I looked up to find Asher slouching there with a hurt, confused look on his face. I hadn’t spoken to him since the day Zack and Jesse tried to beat me up.

Before I could open my mouth, he said, “You’re dating Gilly?” His voice was filled with equal parts of pain and anger.

“Well, yeah, kinda,” I said meekly.

“You’re dating my ex-girlfriend?” He hissed the last part, his eyes narrowing.

“Wait a minute! It’s not how it looks—”

“Then how is it?” he interrupted angrily. “Huh? Tell me, Killian. You couldn’t have me, so you went for my ex? What kind of bullshit is that? I thought you were gay, or was that just a phase? Was I just a little experiment? You need to make up your mind.”

“Make up my mind?” I was getting angry now as well, and my volume was climbing. A few people nearby glanced over at us curiously, so I lowered my voice. “Who was it that said they didn’t want to ruin their precious reputation? Who was it that backed off with us? Who was it that said they couldn’t handle all this? Here’s a clue—it wasn’t me!”

“Yeah, well, I didn’t run off and start dating your ex—who’s a girl—less than a week later.”

“I don’t have an ex. Besides, it’s none of your business who I date.” I lowered my voice even more and leaned in until our noses were almost touching. He refused to back off or look away. “You lost that right when you chose your reputation over us. You had your chance, and you blew it. Sorry, babe.”

I stood up, grabbed my backpack, and walked away without looking back. I should have felt great, but I didn’t. I felt like throwing up. I detoured into the first bathroom I came to and splashed cold water on my face.

I just told Asher off. The first time we’ve talked since he got beaten up over us and I told him off. It was almost as if someone else had taken over my body and spoken through my mouth. I’d been just as shocked as he was at what I was saying. Why hadn’t I told him the truth? Was I really so angry that he’d pulled away from me?

I stared at my dripping face in the mirror and almost didn’t recognize myself. I’d changed so much over the last few weeks, in a lot more ways than just a physical makeover. What was I becoming? Was I choosing the right path? I had a desperate feeling that I was stumbling down the wrong one. Was it too late? More than anything, though, I wished could talk to Seth.

Gilly caught me in the hall between classes later that day. “Well, if the whole school wasn’t already talking about us dating, they are after your fight with Asher at lunch.”

“What?”

“Everybody’s talking about how you guys had a fight over me in the middle of the cafeteria.”

“Oh no!”

“No, it’s great. I wish I’d thought of it.”

“No, it’s not great. Poor Asher. He’s...he’s my friend and now he thinks I’m dating his ex. This must be so embarrassing for him.”

Gilly laid a hand on my chest. “You’re so sweet. Don’t worry about Asher. He’s a big boy. If you want, I can talk to him.”

“No, I should talk to him.” She didn’t even know why Asher was really mad. What could she say that would make it better? She’d probably just make it worse. This was my mess, and I’d have to deal with it...eventually.

She smiled. “You’re such a good friend. See you tonight.” She kissed my cheek again and disappeared into the crowd, leaving me standing there feeling like shit.

I wasn’t a good friend. A good friend wouldn’t be pretending to date his best friend’s ex without telling him what was really going on. I made up my mind to talk to him as soon as possible.