Bleeding Hearts - 23. Chapter 23

I woke up with a gasp, sitting bolt upright.

Now that the faceless man had a face, he’d stopped haunting my dreams, but the nightmares hadn’t stopped. He’d just been replaced by fire and Todd’s unseeing stare. Seth sometimes still made guest appearances, but his presence felt more comforting than anything. He could transform a nightmare into a good dream simply by his arrival.

He hadn’t shown up tonight, however—only the flames.

I was concentrating on my breathing, trying to calm down, when I felt a hand on my back.

“You okay?” Asher asked.

“Yeah. Just a dream. Sorry I woke you.”

“Shh, don’t be. It’s all good. I got you.”

I laid back down and snuggled into his side as he wrapped his arms around me tightly. He spent almost every night with me since I was released from the hospital.

I’d only had to stay one night for the smoke inhalation. My shoulder was reset in the ER, and I’d had to wear a sling for the first few days, but it was getting better each day. I only had to take painkillers a few times a day.

Jake was still in the hospital. Because he’d been unconscious, he’d inhaled a lot more smoke and searing hot air, damaging his airways and lungs. Combined with the stabbing, which was quite deep and had done some considerable damage to his shoulder requiring surgery to repair, he’d been in an induced coma ever since the fire. Turns out there are a lot of vital arteries in the shoulder, and he came much closer to dying than I cared to think about.

Judy kept us updated on his progress. The doctors assured her that he would make a full recovery.

I eventually fell back to sleep and mercifully didn’t wake again until the sun was streaming through the window.

For a moment, I was confused. Something had woken me, but what? Then I saw Asher sitting on the edge of the bed.

“Breakfast is ready,” he said, reaching out to play with my hair. “You might want to get a move on. We got some news.”

I sat up. “Jake?”

He nodded. “I don’t know anything more though. Adam is on the phone with Judy now.”

I jumped out of bed and rushed for the door.

“Whoa!” Asher said with a laugh. “You might want to put some clothes on first.”

I looked down and realized I was naked. I gave him an embarrassed smirk and grabbed a pair of sweatpants from the floor, pulling them on as I hopped around on one foot.

Asher shook his head. “Not that I’m complaining, I’m definitely enjoying the floor show, but it would probably be easier if you slowed down.”

I stuck out my tongue at him while I pulled the pants over my hips. I grabbed a T-shirt and pulled it on as I yanked open the door and dashed downstairs, Asher following at a more sedate pace.

Adam was just hanging up as I slid into the kitchen, almost knocking him over.

“Well, good morning to you,” he said.

Mom turned around from where she was standing at the stove finishing up cooking breakfast. “You sure know how to make an entrance,” she said drily.

Mom had driven down as soon as Adam called her to tell her what had happened. She’d been there before they even released me from the hospital, and she’d been staying with us ever since. I had to admit, it was nice to have her around.

“That was Judy?” I asked as Asher joined us in the kitchen, taking a seat at the table next to Kane.

“Yes, Jake is awake.”

“Since when?”

“They brought him out of his coma last night.”

“How is he doing?”

“Judy said he’s doing as well as could be expected. He’s...upset, understandably. They have a counselor coming to see him today.”

“When can I see him?”

Adam and Mom exchanged a look.

“What?” I demanded.

“You should probably give him a few days,” Mom said gently.

“Why?”

“He’s been through a lot. You’ve had a few days to process it all, but he’s been unconscious.”

“Judy will let us know when she thinks he’s ready,” Adam added, then glanced at Mom again. “But you should also be prepared that he may not want to see you.”

“What do you mean?”

“It might be upsetting for him. You could be a reminder of what happened,” Adam explained.

“Do you know something? Has he said that? Why do you and Mom keep looking at each other like that?”

Adam sighed. “We don’t know anything. It’s just a possibility we’ve discussed before he even woke up. We thought you should be aware, just in case.”

I nodded and sat down at the table next to Asher. “Then I guess we’ll have to just wait and see.”

 

 

I hesitated in the door to the hospital room.

He looked so still. My mind flashed back to Gilly lying limp on her bed, and I shook my head hard to rid myself of the image.

A middle-aged nurse with a kindly face was checking the machine next to the lone bed in the room. She noticed me and stopped to give me an encouraging smile. “It’s all right. He’s just sleeping. You can come on in.”

I walked slowly to the bedside and stared down at Jake. His long hair had been chopped off unevenly. It had been almost a week since he’d woken from his coma. I’d finally gotten the go-ahead from Judy the night before.

“What happened to his hair?” I asked in a soft voice.

“It got singed pretty badly in the fire,” the nurse explained. “They cut off the burned parts in the ER. They weren’t trying to make him pretty.” She gave me another smile. “I’ll leave you boys alone.”

She left, but my gaze was fixed on Jake. Up close, he looked so peaceful lying there. You never would have guessed that barely two weeks before his entire family had died violently.

I reached out and took his hand.

At my touch, his eyes fluttered open. For a second, he seemed confused and maybe a little alarmed, but then he saw me and all the pain and confusion I had expected suddenly came into focus.

“Hi,” I said. It felt inane, but I didn’t know what to say.

He attempted a smile but didn’t quite pull it off. “Hey. How long have you been standing there?”

“Not long. A few minutes maybe.”

“Why didn’t you wake me?”

“Hey, I’ve been in the hospital. I know how little sleep you get.”

He gave me another sad smile. “So what do you think of my hair?”

“It’s different.”

He scoffed. “It looks like shit.”

“It’ll look better after you get a real haircut.”

“I keep reaching for it, but it’s all gone.”

“Short hair suits you.” There was an awkward pause. “How are you feeling?”

He made a face and glanced away. “Physically or mentally.” His eyes met mine once more. “Why don’t you pull up a chair and sit down? I think we need to talk.”

I’d been dreading this moment, but I did as he said. I decided to take the initiative and get the hard part out of the way. “I guess I should...say I’m sorry.”

He looked surprised. “For what? Saving my life?”

“Well, I mean, I—”

“Killing Todd?”

I winced.

“Killian, I don’t blame you for what happened. In fact, I owe you my life.” I opened my mouth to argue, but he cut me off. “I don’t know what that’s really worth at the moment, but if you hadn’t done what you did, I wouldn’t be here at all.”

“If I’d waited for the police maybe—”

“If you’d waited for the police, I’d probably be dead, and you know it.”

“But I... I shot your brother.”

“You didn’t have a choice.” He paused. “Aunt Judy told me you may have to go to trial.”

I nodded miserably. “It’s looking that way.”

“But can’t you say you were just defending yourself?”

“Yeah, the defense lawyer Mom hired says we don’t have anything to worry about, that it’s only a formality. Since everybody knows my dad, though, there’s a clear conflict of interest, so they’re moving the trial to Wicomico County. The lawyer thinks I’m pretty much guaranteed a ruling of justifiable homicide. Even so, it’s scary. The whole thing has gotten so much publicity, they couldn’t just ignore it.”

The story had been all over the papers and local news. Several major national news outlets had even called asking for interviews. Adam did his best to protect me and screen it all, and, of course, we turned down all the requests, but it was a lot. I can’t tell you how surreal it is to hear Rachel Maddow talking about you on TV. I just wanted life to go back to normal, but I didn’t know it would ever be normal again.

"Speaking of your dad, how are things there?"

"Not great." I shrugged. "Not that I have any sympathy for him. Everything is his own fault. He was already under investigation, but with the increased attention, people are really out for blood now. After all, he basically tried to sweep Seth's death under the rug, and then, as a direct result of him ignoring that murder, the killer killed several other people, and then his own son used a gun registered in his name to shoot the killer. It's...not good optics. And that’s without even mentioning the fact that he beat up his wife and kid and put them both in the hospital. They’re even looking into some past cases that he oversaw. Some people have come forward to say he showed clear bias against cases involving queer folks and people of color. I think it's safe to say his career is over. He may even face jail time if the state brings any formal charges, which seems increasingly likely."

I realized I was rambling and talking almost entirely about myself. “But I mean...that's all nothing compared to what you must be going through.”

He looked away. After a few minutes, he started speaking, his voice thick with emotion. “It’s hard waking up to realize you’re an orphan. Even my siblings are gone. Aunt Judy is doing what she can, but I just... I feel really alone.”

“I would have come sooner—”

“I know. I...wasn’t ready. I don’t know if I’m ready now, but my therapist said I needed to see other people. She also thinks it would be good to talk about what happened with somebody besides her and Aunt Judy. But it’s hard, you know?”

“Yeah,” I agreed. I wasn’t sure I wanted to talk about what happened either, but I couldn’t exactly say that. “What, uh... What do you want to talk about?”

“I don’t know. Where do we even start? I guess you can tell me what happened after Todd stabbed me and I blacked out. I mean, I know you shot him, and I know there was a fire, and that you rescued me, but that’s about it.”

“There’s not much more to tell,” I said quickly. “I started the fire by accident. I tripped over the oil lamp. It spread so fast. I’m, uh, sorry I burned your house down.”

Jake gave me a look. “I’m not. It’s not like I’d ever want to live there again after what happened. Besides, Aunt Judy says there will be insurance money, maybe a lot of it. Plus, whatever I inherit. She says I definitely won’t have to worry about college.” He gave me a sour version of his famous lopsided smile. “So in way, maybe I should be thanking you.”

I gasped. “Jake...”

“I’m kidding. Mostly. I mean, it’s not like I had good memories there. You heard what Todd said. It was hell growing up there, and that wasn’t even all of it.”

“Jake, you don’t have to—”

“I know I don’t have to, but I feel I owe it to you. You almost died trying to save me, even after the way I treated you after...” He sighed. “And there are some things I need to get off my chest.”

He closed his eyes and seemed to be gathering his strength. When he opened them again, they were filled with an even deeper sense of sadness.

“I remember Todd told you a little about the... I guess the technical term is physical abuse. Dad physically abused us. It was all of us, but he seemed to be a lot harder on Todd, especially after he found the magazines under his bed. They were bisexual porn, not even like...hardcore gay stuff. I don’t even know where he got them, but Dad freaked out. He was screaming and yelling about Uncle Rick, and he kept hitting Todd. It was awful. I thought he was going to kill him. But then, all of a sudden, Dad left with him. Part of me thought we’d never see him again, but the next morning, there they were at the breakfast table acting like nothing had ever happened. I... I didn’t know what happened until Todd told you.”

He paused and took a deep, shaky breath, then continued. “I guess Todd had always been a little odd, but he changed after that. He became really obsessed with church, as if he was trying to make up for something. Or convince Dad of something. Or maybe himself. Who knows?”

I remembered a comment Jake had made once in the school parking lot. “One time you told Todd that if he didn’t leave you alone, you’d tell your parents about the magazines under his bed. Is that what you were talking about?”

“Yeah. That was a really fucked-up thing to say. I’m sure he didn’t have any magazines anymore. I was just trying to get to him.”

“So...Todd was gay? Bi?”

Jake shrugged. “I don’t know. We never talked about it. After that time he caught us together, he went on and on about how it was a sin, yet the whole time he was just staring at me with this really creepy expression. I almost felt like he was jealous or something. Then he asked me why I hadn’t told him.”

“What did you say?”

“That it was none of his business. It wasn’t like he’d told me about himself. He just stormed away. We didn’t really talk about it after that.”

“So what happened? What finally pushed him over the edge? I’d pretty much given up and left the investigation to the police. I wasn’t bothering him anymore. What made him snap like that?”

Jake stared up at the ceiling. A single tear escaped and slid down his cheek. “That was my fault.”

I shook my head in confusion. “How could it have been your fault?”

He didn’t answer for a few seconds, then began falteringly. “Dad... I...” He stopped and drew a shaky breath. “After Asher made his big announcement at the assembly, I was really upset.”

“Jake, I’m so sorry about that. I should have told you right away about Asher and me, but I didn’t know how. And I didn’t know he was going to come out like that on stage.”

He shrugged slightly. “What’s done is done. But like I said, it really upset me—to the point where I was having all kinds of really dark thoughts about hurting myself.” He paused and gulped a few times. “Then I found one of those flyers that Asher was passing out all over school about the GSA. It had some hotline on it for gay and lesbian youth, so I decided to call. I ended up talking to some counselor for like an hour. I guess it helped, because I really didn’t think about it again until Dad found the flyer in the trash. I think by now you can guess his reaction. He went ballistic. He assumed it was Todd’s flyer, and, for whatever reason, Todd didn’t bother to correct him. He just took the beating...and I let him. I was scared to admit it was me.

“That night, though, Todd came to my room after everyone was asleep.” Jake started crying. “He said I owed him. He...he...”

“Jake, you don’t have to tell me anymore.” I was horrified. I didn’t think I wanted to hear the rest of it.

He shook his head and pulled himself together. “He wanted me to...do stuff with him. I told him no, but he kept insisting. I told him if he didn’t leave me alone, I’d tell Dad he tried to rape me. We both knew if I did that, Dad would probably kill him. He left me alone, but the next day...”

“Jake, I’m so sorry.”

“It was all my fault.”

“No! It wasn’t. Todd made his own decisions. It’s not your fault!”

Jake turned his head and looked directly into my eyes. “Isn’t it? If I had told you the first time you asked me that it was Todd I saw talking to Seth, maybe you would have figured it all out sooner. When I talked to him about it, he promised he’d tell you himself. I knew he wouldn’t, but it took the pressure off me. You know what the worst part is? I even suspected that maybe Todd had something to do with Seth’s murder. I had even more suspicions after Zack. I just couldn’t let myself believe it fully. It was like if I didn’t say it out loud, it wasn’t real.”

“Okay, maybe you should have told me, but you’re still not to blame for his actions. Todd was obviously very broken. He was sick.”

He laughed bitterly. “My whole family was sick, every single one of them. My dad was abusive and beat my uncle to death, my mom just let him abuse us kids, and my brother was a psychotic murderer. So what does that make me?”

“Gilly seemed normal.”

“Gilly was so obsessed with you that she was convinced she could turn you straight.”

I shrugged. “Compared to the rest of your family, that seems pretty normal.”

He stared at me for a second, then started laughing. There was a slightly hysterical tinge to it that set me on edge, though, and his laughter slowly dissolved into tears.

I didn’t know what to say after that, so we sat in awkward silence for a few minutes. The only sounds in the room were Jake’s sniffles.

Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. “So, uh, when do you get out of the hospital?”

“Probably tomorrow,” he said, reaching for a tissue to blow his nose, then wiped his face with the back of his hand. “But I'll have physical therapy for a while after I heal, which could take a while. I guess I’m going to live with Aunt Judy. She’s the only family I have left now. She wants me to move to California with her.”

“Are you going to go?”

He shrugged again. “I guess. It’s not like I really have a choice. She says it’ll be a fresh start for me.”

“I mean, she’s kind of right. You have a chance at a new beginning somewhere without all the bad memories.”

He looked me in the eye once more. “Then why does it feel like the end instead?”

I didn’t stay much longer. We didn’t seem to have anything else to talk about. I couldn’t exactly tell him how Asher had been such an amazing source of support through everything, barely leaving my side. Or how everyone at school was treating me as if I were some sort of hero.

I certainly didn’t feel like a hero.

After a few more minutes of awkward small talk, I said goodbye and made my exit.

I ran into Judy as she was getting off the elevator. “Killian! I’m so glad I didn’t miss you.”

“Hey,” I replied awkwardly. I hadn’t seen her since the night of the fire, and I still wasn’t sure how I felt about her. She made me nervous.

“Did you just come from seeing Jake?”

I nodded.

“Thank you. I know that meant a lot to him.”

“It was rough.”

She gave me a sad smile. “I’m sure it was. I’ve been meaning to stop by and see you, but I’ve had my hands full.”

“It’s okay,” I mumbled.

“Do you have a few minutes right now?”

I couldn’t very well say no without appearing rude, so I allowed her to lead me over to an empty waiting room. Once we were seated, I looked everywhere but at her. I was staring at an outdated magazine cover proclaiming some scandalous celebrity affair when she started speaking. “First off, I wanted to thank you for saving Jake’s life. I’m only sorry I didn’t get there sooner.”

I looked up at her. “Why were you there at all?” That question had occurred to me several times since that night. “I thought you were flying back to California.”

“I did. Then I started having nightmares every night, premonitions about my family dying and the house on fire.”

Something about that phrase triggered a memory. The first time I entered the Sheridans house, I’d experienced a flash of a vision. For the briefest of moments, I’d seen the house engulfed in flames. I’d brushed it off at the time, but now the hair stood up on the back of my neck. I didn’t mention it though. She had enough weird ideas about me already.

“I finally flew back to Maryland without telling anyone,” Judy was saying. “I had just arrived that night. As soon as I landed, I knew something was wrong. I tried calling my sister and, when she didn’t answer, I even tried the landline several times, but no one picked up. So I rented a car and drove to the house. I knew as soon as I arrived that I was too late.”

“You weren’t too late. You saved our lives.”

She shook her head. “I was too late to save my sister. Or Gilly. You saved your lives. I just helped a little.” She tipped her head to one side and gave me a measuring look. “I make you uncomfortable, don’t I?”

“No!” I said quickly—too quickly.

“Is it because of my Gifts?”

I started to deny it again, then decided there was no point in lying to a psychic. I shrugged instead.

“You shouldn’t be afraid of them, Killian. Mine or yours.”

“I don’t have any Gifts,” I insisted, but I thought about the split-second vision of flames. And then there were those weird dreams of Seth showing me his journal. They were just dreams, right?

She raised one eyebrow. “Maybe not, but I think you do. If it turns out I’m right, you’ll be forced to deal with them eventually. Trust me on that.” She reached into her purse and pulled out a card. “If it ever happens, I want you to feel free to call me. I’ll do whatever I can to help.”

I reluctantly accepted the card.

She stood up and stared at me expectantly, so I rose as well. She enveloped me in a hug, which I returned halfheartedly at best. She stepped back and gave me a smile. “Good luck, Killian. You have a bright future ahead of you, as long as you keep your eyes open.” She winked at me and walked away.

I glanced down at the card she’d given me. It simply read, “Judy Cassara, Interior Decorator,” with her phone number and address in California printed underneath. I hadn’t even known she was an interior decorator. It struck me as such an innocuous occupation for someone like her.

I tucked the card into my pocket and started for the elevators once more. Asher was waiting for me at home. If ever I’d needed a hug from my boyfriend, it was right then.

 

 

Adam parked the car, and we climbed out. Several months had passed and spring had exploded full force upon the Shore seemingly overnight. The week before, temperatures had been in the low forties, while that day we were comfortable in short-sleeved shirts. Brightly colored daffodils were blooming in clusters, and the sky was a brilliant, clear blue. It was an idyllic scene, aside from the fact that we were in a cemetery.

It was my first time coming to Seth’s grave. Kane’s too. Only Adam had been to visit before.

Kane carried a small potted perennial to plant on his brother’s grave. Adam carried a garden trowel, and I had a jug of water, even though we’d had plenty of rain recently. The ground squished slightly under our feet as Adam led us across the manicured lawn.

Wordlessly, Adam, Kane, and I knelt in a small semicircle in front of Seth’s simple granite headstone. I ignored the wetness seeping through the knees of my jeans.

Adam dug into the soft earth, then shook the plant out of its pot and placed it tenderly in the hole. Kane filled in the dirt around it, and I watered it.

It was a bleeding heart. It wasn’t blooming yet, but it would in time—just as we would heal in time.

Already, signs of healing were evident. My nightmares grew further apart, Adam wasn’t quite so afraid to let us out of his sight, and much to our relief, I had been cleared of all charges. Kane had even started talking to Eve a little, now and then.

Steve was all moved in, which felt so natural there hadn’t even been an adjustment period. It had involved some redecorating, however, as Adam let go of some things to make room for Steve’s furniture that he didn’t want to part with, but I thought it was kind of symbolic of the blending of two households. The house was maybe just a little too small for four guys, but no one seemed to mind. We felt like a real family.

Adam had invited Steve to come to the cemetery with us, but he thought it should just be the three of us, those who were closest to Seth. He was always thoughtful, like that. He said he’d have a special dinner ready for us when we got home.

Asher and I were still happily dating. The GSA had grown a little over the last few months—mostly due to my notoriety—and a few more guys had even started to attend. A couple of them even came out, saying Asher and I were inspirations to them.

Jake had moved to California with Judy, and I hadn’t heard a word from him since. My texts went unread and my calls unanswered. My therapist said to give him space and time and maybe he’d come around, but, if not, that was his choice to make, and it might be what he needs to heal. I did my best to respect his decisions.

We’d gotten an old-fashioned Christmas card from Judy around the holidays with a photo of her and Jake tucked inside. Jake looked as if he’d been forced to take the picture against his will. She’d simply signed it “Judy and Jake.” Adam had muttered that, for once, he would have preferred one of those long newsletters with updates about each member of the family. Steve had pointed out that they probably didn’t want to think about the past year, let alone write about it, and Adam conceded.

Mom had gone back to Pennsylvania after a couple of weeks, but she’d returned for Christmas, which was nice, if a little somber.

Perhaps most healing for me was the fact that official charges had been filed against my father, including obstruction of justice and various civil rights violations. Both he and the police chief had resigned, but the police chief was cooperating fully with the state and, as my lawyer put it, he was singing like a canary.

If Dad was found guilty, which it sure looked like he would be, he was facing the possibility of years in prison. Under federal law, the penalties for the obstruction charges, which included tampering with witnesses and influencing a legal process, could result in up to ten years in prison. Since they had resulted in death, the civil rights violations carried even heavier consequences—up to life in prison, potentially.

Then there were the fines, which were substantial, and on top of all of that, were the civil cases and even the threat of a class action lawsuit.

To say my father’s career was over was an understatement, and I have to admit that I took great pleasure in that. My therapist said that it was completely normal to feel like that and that I shouldn’t feel guilty about it, which was good, because I didn’t.

Adam cleared his throat, bringing me back to the present. Kane was blinking too. We must have all gotten a little lost in our thoughts for a few minutes.

“I feel like we should say something, but I can’t think of anything that feels appropriate,” Adam said. He sounded emotional.

Kane reached out and traced the engraved letters of Seth’s name. “Thanks for being an amazing big brother. I miss you.”

Adam nodded and wiped away a tear. “Thanks for being an amazing son. I miss you too.”

Not to be left out, I said, “Thanks for being an amazing friend. I also miss you.”

“Remember that time Seth found an abandoned baby squirrel that fell out of its nest and insisted on hand feeding it?” Kane asked.

“Ha.” Adam said. “I sure do, because I’m the one who had to get up every two hours to feed it during the night. Remember how he used to check on Mr. Clements because he said, and I quote, he was all alone and it just broke his heart?”

They exchanged stories of Seth’s big heart and sweet nature for several minutes while I just listened. I’d experienced his kindness firsthand, but I didn’t have stories to share the way they did.

Finally, they wound down, chuckling at a particularly funny story of Seth insisting they stop the car so he could rescue a cat that he thought had been hit by a car, but it turned out to be a skunk. He got sprayed for his efforts, and Eve had refused to let him get back in the car, making him walk the last half mile to their house and burning his clothes.

“He was always looking out for the strays,” Kane said.

“Must be why he picked me,” I said softly.

Adam pulled us both in for a hug, then kissed his fingertips and touched the headstone.

We sat for a moment longer, then Adam stood first with Kane following.

“We should probably get going,” Adam said. “Don’t want whatever Steve is cooking up to get cold.”

“Go ahead,” I said. “I’ll catch up. I just want a minute alone.”

Adam patted me on the shoulder, then he and Kane headed back to the car.

I watched them go for a few seconds, then turned back to the grave.

“Hey,” I said, suddenly feeling a little silly talking to a stone. “I just wanted to say thank you. You changed my life in so many ways I don’t even know where to start. Everything is so much better now. I love living with Adam and Steve and Kane. I still sometimes feel like I stole your life, but my shrink says I shouldn’t think like that, and that you would have wanted me to be happy. After hearing so many stories about you from Adam and Kane, I’m starting to think he’s right.

“But anyway, I thought maybe you’d like to know that the guy who killed you is dead. He won’t hurt anyone else. Turned out he was just a sick kid himself. Maybe you already knew that, though. If so, then I guess you know that I killed him. It’s a lot. But I’m dealing with it.

“Oh, and I don’t know if that was really you that showed me your journal or if it was just a dream, but it was you, thanks. And if you can just show up whenever you want, maybe you could, like, come say hi sometimes. Or something. I don’t know how this works. Or if it’s even real. But I really do miss you.”

I started to get up, but then remembered the letter he’d written me. “Oh. One more thing... I think I chose the right path. Thanks for helping me open my eyes. I love you.”

I stood and started back to the car. About halfway there, I glanced back over my shoulder and froze. For just a second, I thought I saw Seth standing by the grave, a big smile on his face, but then I blinked, and he was gone.

“Just wishful thinking,” I said to myself, then turned and hurried to catch up to my family.