How the Coronavirus Jump-Started my Sex Life - 32. Chapter 32

An Albuquerque Walk-About

One Saturday, Alan left for work in some very tight and short white tennis shorts and a red compression tank-top that showed him off like a Mr. Universe candidate. Damn, was he hot! I watched his butt as he walked out the door and became conscious that I had certainly hit the mother-lode in the looks department of the man who had taught me how to suck and fuck (technically, to be fucked) and more. I needed to think, so I decided to enjoy the spectacular early May day by taking a long walk-about to give my mind a chance to work on all these conflicting emotions.

I put on a pair of walking shorts and a Lobos tee-shirt, tossed three bottles of water, an energy bar, and an apple into my small backpack and headed out. Brandi’s car was in her spot at the back of the building, but I just went on out as quietly as I could. My first thought was to go to campus, but I nixed that idea because I walk around on campus all week. I wanted a fresh perspective on Alan, on men, on sex, on myself. I reasoned I’d find new perspectives better if I was in a less-familiar environment. So, I went over to Central Avenue and began walking east, towards the Sandia Mountains at the edge of town.

For a while I didn’t try to think through my problems. I just walked through Nob Hill, where Alan and I had walked so many times over the past 6 weeks. I passed several of the top restaurants in the state, funky shops, the Lobo Theater, high class shops, some condo developments, Starbucks, and lots more. There were virtually no people on the sidewalk and only an occasional car on a street normally choked with traffic. After 15 minutes or so, I crossed Carlisle Boulevard and a mile later San Mateo Boulevard. City buses passed by infrequently but I trudged on with no destination except peace of mind. I passed the state fairgrounds which seemed abandoned on this particular Saturday. There was no activity even at the casino.

At the corner by the casino, I made a spontaneous decision to go to the mall, so I turned left onto Louisiana Boulevard and began walking north. To my left was an almost-mile-long concrete block wall which separated me from the horse-racing track used for two weeks each September as part of the State Fair, but abandoned on this day. I crossed Lomas Avenue, then trekked up the man-made hill to the overpass across Interstate 40, and down the hill on the north side.

Briefly, I entertained the fantasy of walking down to the interstate where I could hitchhike to California or North Carolina for a fresh start. As I looked down on 10 lanes of concrete and only a couple of cars and one semi in a mile-long stretch, I realized you’d probably starve waiting for a ride these days.

I chuckled because I knew I didn’t want a fresh start. Not that type anyway. I needed a bit of clarity but, overall, my life had direction (Biology), good people (the family, Bert, Joe, Alan, and now maybe Jordan and Johnny, even Luis), and the promise (or at least hope) of a good future. I realized I am looking forward to next week, next month, and next year. I definitely didn’t want to escape from my life.

Soon I arrived at Coronado Center, which was still closed due to the pandemic. There were no cars in the lot and no people around. I was reminded of the scene in the old movie Andromeda Strain when -the bio-hazard team showed up in a remote New Mexico town where there were no signs of any people. In the movie, the locals were all dead from the virus but, of course, the mall was empty simply because it was closed. Still, the connection in my brain was a little eerie.

I had walked about 5 miles from home. Across the street was the Target store Alan worked out of. I selected a bench under some lilac trees beside one of the mall entrances and sat down to have a snack. First, I drank half a bottle of water, then I ate my energy bar. I’d been taking in the city, enjoying the odd peacefulness of this major metro area, and letting myself feel some things about the pandemic, life in general, and perhaps my own life a little. After the energy bar, I finished the bottle of water, then put the wrapper and empty into the pack and took out a second bottle of water.

Since no one was anywhere near me, I said out loud, “So, who are you, dude?”

Answers and More Questions

Indeed, who am I? I thought. I’m a 19-year-old gay guy from Las Cruces, New Mexico. I’m a mostly Scandinavian son of a lawyer and a romance novelist. I’m an older brother. I’m 6’3” tall and weigh 180, making me pretty lanky. If I hadn’t been working out for years, I’d probably be skin and bones, but I actually have good musculature though the muscles are not round and full like Luis’. I have sort of dark blond hair that is long on top but short on the sides and which I wear slightly high on my head. I have angular features with a sharply defined jawline, a sharp nose and a long and thin-ish neck. My eyes are as pale blue as anyone’s I’ve ever seen. Alan told me one day that my eyes are the color of the Caribbean in the Florida Keys, whatever that means. I have a good smile thanks to years of braces and retainers and a whitening treatment a couple of years ago. It’s not uncommon for someone to tell me I am very handsome. I’ll take their judgment on that.

But, who am I on the inside? I have definitely grown up with “white privilege” any way you choose to define it. I’ve never tried to use my “whiteness” to gain power or opportunity over the less-white, but I can sometimes tell I still benefit without even trying. I was popular throughout my years in public school and seem to get along well with the people I have met this year at UNM. I have loved the college life because the learning is so challenging and rewarding all at once. Biology is exciting to me because it is all about everything that’s alive. I haven’t decided yet what I want to do with my interest in and knowledge of biology. I haven’t taken Microbiology yet, but it intrigues me. So does the possibility of becoming a physician. I’m pretty sure I don’t want to teach biology to middle schoolers or high schoolers, but haven’t ruled out teaching at the college level. I do believe in science, in spite of the popular view in our American society right now that science is lying to us about everything.
I am nominally a practicing Lutheran. I say “nominal” because I was raised in the Lutheran church and tend to view religion, Christianity, values, and society in general through the lens of a Lutheran while not being particularly caught up in the church. I have not been to a Lutheran church since I left Las Cruces and have no interest in finding a church in Albuquerque. But I believe in a God who loves humans, including me, gay or not. I believe He will listen if I pray and that He cares about my happiness and my future. I expect to be in a good place when I die. I try to live my life in truth, honesty, kindness, concern for others, concern for our planet and all its inhabitants, and with a genuine openness to other people, their situations, their needs and wants, and their problems and issues. I try to trust people who I know personally and generally treat them with love and respect.

And I am completely gay. I just realized that. I have zippo interest in being intimate with a female. I can see that Brandi, for example, is just sex on a stick to most guys. I mean, she is beautiful and tries to make herself as sexy as possible. What red-blooded American boy wouldn’t cream just from thinking about her boobies? Me, for one! I don’t tend to notice the few women I see on the street or even on TV. Even a relatively mundane looking guy seems much better looking, intriguing, interesting, attractive, and sexy than the best looking actress or Dallas cheerleader.

Angelina Jolie? No, thanks, I’ll take Brad Pitt. Julia Roberts is beautiful, but I’ll take her brother Eric even if he is pretty old-looking right now. All those sexy Spanish chickies on Elite leave me cold; but the muchachos make me hard every time. For a while, I thought maybe I was bi. But my sense of truth and honesty required me to admit to myself I am not bi. I am 100% gay. And, guess what? I’m quite okay with that.

I’m starting to think of “coming out”. It hasn’t seemed relevant until now. With my sexual awakening courtesy of the Pandemic and one sexy mother-fucker Alan Kennedy, it seems like it must happen sometime in the near future. I guess coming out doesn’t happen all at once, although I could do like a few celebrities and write about it on Instagram or post a statement on TikTok. Then the whole world would know at one time. But that is not a decision for today.

What about Alan? He’s the only man I’ve ever been intimate with. And, god, how I love sucking cock! How I love experiencing another man’s orgasm, tasting his cum. Alan has a special flavor although I am not sure how unique the taste actually is. I guess I won’t know that unless I taste a lot of guys’ sperm. (I just felt a throb in my dick.) At first it was obvious Alan was with me only to get off. He wanted me just to suck him and, later, to take his cock in my butthole. Maybe he was using me. Probably he was using me. Just for his own gratification. He was clear that he is not gay. And his actions have supported that self-proclamation. Not kissing. Not reciprocating. Not showing concern about whether I get pleasure from our time together. But over time, he has softened a bit with me. He has kissed me a couple of times. He has touched, even stroked my erection a couple of times. He cuddles and snuggles and sleeps against me all night. Often. And recently he said he might be bi. I can’t tell if he’s developing romantic feelings for me or if it is just a greater comfort with being intimate with a guy.

I also know this about myself: Taking a big, hard cock in my keister gives me more of a sense of connection than anything else. I guess you, dear reader, might not be too surprised by that statement, but I don’t mean that the way you are thinking. Yes, it is an amazing connection with Alan as he moves within me causing me spectacular sensations whether I’m completely immobile and totally receptive or whether I’m actively thrusting back to pull him in. Nevertheless, there is an even more unexpected and thoroughly fantastic connection I feel with me – my true self, the center of who I am. When he is buried deep in my flesh, I know I’m experiencing the real me. Nothing ever screams out to me “This is right!” more than his thrusting erection moving inside.

As addicted as I am to Alan’s fucks, I do recognize that it’s not just Alan. When I began meeting other hot guys like Jordan, Johnny, and Luis, I realized I’m drawn to them in the same way I’m drawn to Alan. I think about how their cum would taste. I fantasize about how their dicks would feel in my throat. I imagine how their cocks would feel deep in my welcoming ass. I would not shy away from experiencing that intimacy with any of them ….

Or with the guy walking his dog by the lilac trees across the parking lot right now! From where I sit, I cannot see his crotch, but I can see his muscular calves and half his strong thighs. I can see his great back and firm biceps. I can see messy brown hair that pulls my thoughts towards him.

Right now, in mid pandemic, I feel I must remain dutifully distanced from all the men I see and want. I must maintain the bubble of seclusion where I live alone with Alan. We are together right now and for awhile in the future; how long I don’t know. What will become of our sexy relationship when the period of sequestration is over? I don’t know. But I certainly do not expect forever with Alan.

I finished the water in my second bottle and added it to the contents of my pack.

I didn’t get every answer to every question I might need to ask, but I am at peace for the moment. I know myself a lot better right now than I did two hours ago. It’s enough for the moment.

I stand, hoist the light pack to my shoulder and start across the mall’s empty parking lot heading generally southward until I intersect the sidewalk along Louisiana Boulevard. As I wait for the light to change at Indian School Road, I see a very familiar Durango cross the intersection and proceed north towards Academy Heights.