The Best Year - 13. Chapter 13

After we got home, the house had just begun to smell of overcooked food. Mom rushed into the house to see Dad fanning the oven with a dishtowel. The casserole sat neglected on the counter, the top of it a very dark brown. I watched, leaning against the wall as Mom inspected the casserole, poking at it with a spoon. From the smell, it was a chicken and broccoli concoction and I was glad I had already eaten.

“I think it is still good,” Mom commented as she spooned a couple of globs of the mess onto a plate.

“Where have you been?” Dad asked as he gave up on the oven and closed the door. He turned to study the both of us. I was still dressed in what I wore to the river, although I was mostly dry now. His eyebrow cocked and he pushed his glasses further up on his nose.

“Jackson apologized for missing work today,” Mom answered grimacing as she cooled the spoon full of food before she tentatively nibbled on it. “The chicken is dry.”

“You could have told me,” Dad countered crossing his arms. “I could have watched the casserole.”

“I know,” Mom added, “I’m sorry, it was a spur of the moment sort of thing.”

“Can I be excused?” I asked trying not to smirk or smile around them. I knew if I did, I would be sitting at the kitchen table forking down burned broccoli and dry chicken.

“Aren’t you hungry?” Dad asked eyeballing the ruined casserole. He didn’t look too enthusiastic about eating either, but he knew he had to stick around.

“He already ate,” Mom huffed glancing over at me. “Go ahead, you need a shower.”

“Thanks,” I said smiling as I turned the corner back into the living room.

After my shower I walked across the hallway into my room. I glanced at the closet door as I pulled on a pair of boxer briefs, after having two intruders I wasn’t taking any chances. I knew we all had school tomorrow and I had a little unfinished homework to do, so I walked over the the foot of the bed where I last put my school bag. I shuffled through it until I found my Calculus book. I grimaced as I walked over to my bed and sprawled out across it. I was preparing to put on some headphones, to ignore any possible summons from Mom and Dad, when I heard pebbles hitting my window.

Hearing them, my mind went back to the first time it happened. None of my friends would be as sneaky or careful. They would have barged right in after a quick knock on the door. Even if Mom or Dad didn’t want to have company, they would always accept my friends with smiles and then excuse themselves to the bedroom for peace and quiet.

I knew Mom would welcome Luke in without any hesitation. My heart seemed to quicken in my chest when another couple of small rocks tapped against my window then rolled down the roof into the gutters. If I wasn’t the one that usually cleaned them out, I would wonder how the fuck stray rocks would have gotten there. Especially since our driveway had been paved for longer than I remembered.

Crawling out of the bed I walked over to the window. It was still pretty light out and I wondered why he didn’t just knock on the door. It would be unlikely that I could sneak out of the house right now. I didn’t see him standing there though and for a moment my stomach tightened, and I held a breath. I had expected him to be looking up at me, to wave me down to meet him. I began to think I had moved too slowly, that he had lost his nerve and turned around and walked back home.

Not wanting to miss him I grabbed a pair of shorts. I had only put on my boxer briefs and didn’t think either of us needed me to show up mostly naked. When I got to the top of the stairs, I heard the living room television on. Frowning I walked down the stairs, not caring if they heard me. When I got to the bottom stair Dad and Mom broke out of their cuddling to turn their heads to look back at me.

“I…” I started grabbing hold of the handrail until my knuckles whitened. No lie came to mind when I saw them looking at me. Usually they would fall out of my mouth without much prompting. I was good at this. I didn’t know how long I would be, so a lie that would give me time would have been best.

“Is something wrong, dear?” Mom asked reaching up to rest her elbow on the back of the couch.

“No,” I answered reaching up with my other hand to scratch the back of my hand. “Can I go for a walk?”

“You’re not wearing any shoes,” Dad pointed out and I glanced down at my bare feet.

“It will be just around the yard, I’m stumped on an English paper and thought I could do better outside with uh, with the thinking,” I countered feeling my face flush. They both studied me for a moment or two, but then Dad nodded offering me a small smile. I guess they figured since I didn’t have any shoes or a shirt, I couldn’t really go too far.

“Good luck,” Mom offered as I quickly walked around the back of the couch to the front door. I didn’t wait around for anymore questions.

As I opened the door, the warm humid air took my breath away. Looking around I jumped when I saw Luke huddled in the corner out of the light from the front windows. I quickly closed the door behind me, and he held up his finger to quiet me. I closed my mouth and nodded as he waved for me to follow him. Seeing him there dried my throat and caused my palms to clam up. I had to swallow a few times and I hoped the first time I talked that my voice didn’t crack. I hadn’t wanted to see anyone of them so soon after my embarrassing apology at the park. I saw that he didn’t seem smug or angry. I thought maybe he had wanted to talk about other things. It didn’t help calm my nerves any though, whatever we would talk about would be difficult. I still hadn’t been able to wrap my head around the kiss and wanting to hold him. I didn’t want to admit that I wanted to latch onto him and keep him there until he knew I wasn’t angry about the kiss. It had been him to break the hug in the pool, I hadn’t been ready. I didn’t know why.

“I think I’m going to be sick,” I hissed, and he glanced over his shoulder as he led me into the tree line.

“Shhh,” he whispered holding branches out of our way. He was dressed in a white t-shirt, a black pair of shorts, and sneakers. I kept stepping on sharp rocks and acorns, cursing under my breath.

“Why are you here?” I asked not liking the silence between us. We were far enough away from the house not to be overheard and I didn’t want to walk barefoot in the forest. What little light was left from the setting sun disappeared under the canopy above our heads. The forest was also eerily quiet, no birds, no crickets. There were fireflies illuminating in small clusters, their golden glow at least made me feel a little calmer.

“I wanted to talk to you,” he answered stopping in a small clearing. There was a hole in the canopy where a large tree should have been.

“I have school in the morning and homework to do,” I countered crossing my arms over my chest. My skin felt sticky from the humid air. If I stayed out here much longer I would want to take another shower.

“So do I,” he said turning to face me. His face was a mix of shadows and waning light. I couldn’t see his eyes enough to read them and I wanted to take a few steps closer to him. I stayed where I was though and when he crossed his arms too I heard him sigh. “Mom caved on letting me go to your school. I have orientation tomorrow at Noon.”

“Really?” I asked letting my arms fall to my side. “That’s great.”

“Is it?” He asked his arms still crossed. “I thought it would be, now I’m freaking out.”

“I didn’t think ole Cindy had it in her to break,” I added trying to ease some of the tension that I felt.

“She worried that I wouldn’t be ready for college if I didn’t go,” he said taking a step forward.

“I won’t bug you at school,” I offered swallowing at the shorter distance between the two of us. It was still too dark to see him so I took a step forward as well. Then another. I only stopped when he fell silent and went completely still.

“I know,” he countered, his voice a little shaky. “Look what happened in the pool the other night…”

“I don’t know what that was,” I interrupted in a rush. “I won’t tell anybody; you don’t have to worry about that.”

“I’m not,” he said, and I thought I saw him smile as he turned his head momentarily looking away. I didn’t know what he was thinking, but I didn’t have a good feeling about the way he started talking about the other night. It made my stomach drop and my heart to quicken again. I had never felt this nervous, not even before I climbed onto the starting podium and awaited the starting horn during my first swimming match. I was so sure I was over matched by the other swimmers that it had nearly psyched me out already. I finished third in the individual medley though and I hadn’t looked back.

“Then what were you going to say?” I asked looking up at the hole in the canopy. I could make out the first few stars to light the sky after it got dark enough to see them.

“I,” he started then fell silent. “Were you really with your friends?”

“Mom wouldn’t have dragged my ass out to the park if I wasn’t,” I answered turning to face him. I smiled when I heard him laugh. It seemed to ease some of the tension between us, but that only lasted until he stopped. “Why?”

“I didn’t want you to come to work,” he whispered, and I silently cursed the darkness. If it was still light out, I knew I wouldn’t be this nervous about being out here. I liked being able to read people’s faces. I was good at it or thought I was until I met Luke, he confused the fuck out of me.

“I was going to come,” I countered chewing on my bottom lip. “I wanted to see you, to see if you were freaking out as much as I was.”

“I am,” he said seeming to stand on his tip toes. “Why did you kiss me back?”

“I wanted to,” I answered the words falling out of my mouth before I could think. “I didn’t want you thinking that when you kissed me, that I…”

“That you what?” He prompted when I fell silent.

“That I, fuck I don’t know,” I hissed crossing my arms. “I don’t know.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, and I stiffened when he placed his hand on my crossed arms.

“About what?” I asked feeling a knot form at the back of my throat. I swallowed hard trying to calm myself down so that I could talk.

“For kissing you,” he answered letting his hand fall back to his side. I watched him look around, I could almost sense that he was about to leave me standing there in the middle of the forest.

“No you’re not,” I countered taking a step forward.

“Why can’t I be?” He asked reaching up to scratch the back of his head. “Do you know what it means for me to want to kiss you? To have liked it?”

“What?” I asked my face getting hot. Now that the sun had set some of the mugginess had left the air.

“That I’m gay,” he answered his voice barely a whisper.

“Is that a surprise to you?” I asked reaching out, I grabbed his shoulder to keep him from turning away or leaving.

“Don’t,” he hissed pulling his shoulder out of my grasp. “I am so scared of you.”

“Don’t be,” I whispered grabbing his shoulder again. “Don’t be scared of me.”

When I went to pull him into a hug, he stepped out of it, shaking his head. I let my arms fall back to my sides. He was breathing heavily, and I wanted to be anywhere else but here facing him while he fell apart. I had hoped he would have already done that, like I had, before this night between us happened.

“I can’t be gay,” he hissed still shaking his head. “This is not what I want.”

“What do you want then?” I asked trying to calm him down and get his mind off things.

“I want,” he started then let out a violent sigh. “I don’t know.”

“Name anything,” I countered wanting to close the distance he created between us.

“I want to get a tattoo,” he answered throwing his arms into the air. “I want to graduate at a normal high school, I want to go to prom.”

“You can do all that,” I said shrugging my shoulders. “Unless you fuck up pretty bad you’ll graduate for sure, right?”

“I want to go see the Grand Canyon,” he continued turning to look at me. He no longer seemed to be shrinking away from me, so I took a small step towards him. “I want to own a puppy, to go horseback riding, to swim with sharks, to shoot a gun.”

“Why haven’t you?” I asked when he stopped talking.

“I don’t want to do that alone,” he said his voice cracking and this time he did let me wrap him into a hug.

“I’ll do them with you, I promise,” I offered feeling him begin to cry into my shoulder. He smelled of shampoo and deodorant. A hint of mint toothpaste and his hair was damp from a shower or from sweating.

“Sky diving?” He asked and I felt his eyelashes flutter against my neck. It sent a shiver down my spine, but I smiled.

“Maybe not that,” I answered, and he laughed. “Bungee jumping?”

“Yeah, sure,” he said breaking the embrace. I watched him wipe his face with his hands and then rub his hands on his shorts. “What about you?”

“I’m thinking you better not swim with sharks,” I said trying not to laugh. “They might mistake you for a drowning seal.”

“Shut up,” he said shaking his head. “What do you want?”

“I’ve already gotten what I want,” I answered shrugging. “I’ve gotten into a good college with a swimming scholarship. I’m getting out of this shithole town someday, that’s what I want.”

“Isn’t there something?” He asked his voice stronger now. “It would be sad to have everything you want already.”

“I don’t know,” I answered shaking my head. I didn’t want to tell him that what I wanted, was to not leave this forest without kissing him goodnight. I didn’t want to think about what that meant either, I knew if I did, it would ruin everything. As long as I wasn’t thinking, then everything I felt made sense. It made sense that he was the one person standing in front of me that I was ever really afraid of. He threatened to shatter everything I’ve built my entire life. If I kissed him again it would only prove that he was the one thing that could.

“Yes, you do,” Luke countered no longer hiding his frustration with me. “For someone that likes to talk, you don’t say much.”

“I don’t know what I want!” I yelled taking a step back breathing heavily. When he didn’t look away, I wanted to punch him, I wanted to push him away. I didn’t want him to witness the lie that I knew my body would give away if he didn’t turn around and leave. “Okay?”

“Sure,” he countered shrugging.

“Why can’t you be gay?” I asked trying to get the pressure off me and back onto him where it was easier.

“I just can’t,” he answered crossing his arms.

“But you are, aren’t you?” I asked squinting against the darkness of the forest.

“You kissed me,” he said finally looking away. “What does that make you?”

“Nothing,” I answered, and he shot me a glare.

“Then why must I be gay?” He asked letting his hands fall to his sides. “If you can be nothing and kiss me and feel something for me, why do I have to be gay?”

“Why can’t you be gay?” I asked as he started pacing. “What’s so bad…”

“Don’t,” he said stopping his pacing to glare at me. “You know why I can’t be gay, just look around. We’re here standing in a forest because I can’t bring you home. I can’t bring you home because I’m afraid my parents would know why I wanted you there. I can’t go home with you because I…”

“Because you what?” I asked feeling my heart hammering in my chest.

“Because I don’t even know if you want me,” he answered his voice trailing to a whisper. “I thought that kiss in the pool might have cleared that up for you, for me.”

“And it hasn’t,” I added shaking my head. “So, what now?”

I looked at him, he seemed to be shrinking away from me. Ready to run back home. I doubted he would even want to see me after tonight and I hated that my legs wanted to close the distance. That I wanted to wrap him into a hug that would give him some comfort. That I wanted to kiss him, to smell him, to admit to myself that I might have finally woke up to what I really wanted. That everything else would just be icing on my fucking cake if I could feel like this for a while longer. That maybe I had been fooling myself my entire life and I had done such a good job at it that I let one kiss in a pool derail everything I had planned. And I still was too afraid to think about whether I wanted it to or not.

“I need to get home,” he said glancing up at the stars through the hole of the canopy. “They will start to wonder where I’ve gone.”

“Yeah,” I said, “I told my Mom that I was going for a walk to help with an English paper.”

“Well, goodnight,” he said not turning to leave me in the small clearing.

“Kiss me,” I whispered feeling myself take an involuntary step towards him.

“What?” He asked, but I could see him weighing his options as he slowly shifted his weight on his feet. His left towards home and his right towards me.

“I told you to kiss me,” I answered through the dryness of my throat. I swallowed a few times then tried to even out my breathing.

“What would that do?” He asked waving his hand between us. “I already told you that I can’t be…”

“Just shut the fuck up and kiss me,” I hissed my hands balling up into fists at my sides.

Then before I could think he closed the distance and I felt the tension leave my body when he wrapped his hands around me. Our arms jostled as I tried to free them from his embrace so I could return the hug and in the darkness our foreheads crashed together as we searched for one another’s lips. Instead of hugging him, I guided his face to mine with my hands and when our lips touched the entire day went away. The worrying about the park and what Luke was thinking. What Cindy would see through her sharp-eyed glare. That embarrassing as fuck apology Mom made me suffer through. I knew what I wanted as soon as I had him back in my arms and when I felt him relax into the kiss, I heard myself moan.

Which ended the kiss as he took a step back. When he laughed, I saw him shaking his head, but his eyes seemed brighter, even in the darkness. More focused and less strained than they were when I remembered him hiding behind his mother’s shoulder.

“What was that?” He asked his amusement made my face flush.

“I don’t know, shut up,” I answered, and he laughed loud enough to scare some birds from their roosts in the trees around us.

“I can’t be gay,” he said falling silent. “I can’t be.”

“Just be Luke,” I said reaching out for him. “Be Luke and I’ll be Jackson.”

“So you’ll continue to be a privileged butt?” He asked stepping into my arms.

“If you’ll continue to be an annoying bible boy, that sneaks R-rated movies,” I countered feeling him laughing against me. “I’ll guess I’ll give it a shot.”

“What if we’re caught,” he said, and I felt his eyelashes flutter across my neck as he looked up towards my jawline. I felt my jaws clench and my arms loosen. I didn’t have an answer for him, I had never had to hide anything from anyone.

“We’re not gonna talk about that,” I said tightening my grip again. “Okay?”

“Okay,” he said, and I broke the hug.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” I said offering him a small smile.

“I guess you will,” he said frowning.

I would see him tomorrow. From across the cafeteria as he entered for a quick lunch before he would finish up with his orientation. Cindy would be there, likely hoping I would show my ass again and give her another reason to keep him at home or ship him off to another bible school in a different county that actually had enough students to keep the doors open. I tried to reassure him with a smile, but he only managed a smirk as he turned and left me standing in the small clearing. I knew that everything that happened tonight was now on my shoulders to screw up and now that I wasn’t holding him or looking at him, I didn’t know whether or not to try. Luke seemed to realize that the ball was firmly in my court too and he had every right to doubt me. I doubted myself as I made my way back to the house. I just didn’t see this playing out good for either of us, not when it relied on me.

The next morning, I grimaced and slapped my alarm clock. Rolling over I scratched the back of my head and blinked until my eyes no longer felt heavy. After last night’s talk with Luke, I didn’t sleep well. That and I had homework that kept me up later than I expected it to. I had been lucky, Mom and Dad decided that I wasn’t going to bolt to some party and went to bed. I didn’t want to face any barrage of questions after returning home. I knew I would look more keyed up coming home than I did when I left for my walk in the first place.

I took a quick shower and dressed. I grabbed both my sports bag and my school bag and walked down the stairs. Like every morning, the smell of coffee burned my nostrils and made my stomach growl. Even if I did like the smell of the stuff, I didn’t like the bitter taste at all. Mom needed it to wake up in the mornings and I scanned the living room until I saw her sitting in Dad’s recliner drinking what had to be her first cup. She was usually more put together after her first one.

“Did you get your paper sorted out?” Mom asked offering me a small smile.

“Yeah,” I answered shrugging my shoulders. “I guess it will do.”

“Have some faith in yourself, Jackson,” she said waving the hand that wasn’t holding her cup of coffee. “You’re a great student.”

“Thanks,” I offered smiling as she pushed down the footrest of the recliner and awkwardly stood.

“Have a good day at school,” she said, and she kissed me on the cheek as she walked by me to head up the stairs to get dressed. “Straight home after practice, okay?”

“Yeah,” I answered and when she disappeared up the stairs I sighed and walked to the front door. I quickly unlocked it and swung it open. The nights were beginning to cool off a little, but it was still muggy, and a heavy dew made it look like it had rained sometime through the night. It was difficult to step down the stairs to my car knowing today could suck, and that I was the only person that could keep it from sucking. I just hoped I was enough. That the day would be okay if I remembered what I wanted and the promises that I made. If I did that, I could get through today and hope that the rest of them until I’m out of this shit hole town fell into place and be easier. This was supposed to be the best fucking year of my life, it was time to officially start it.