My Heart's Desire - 1. Story

My Heart’s Desire

Written by: Linxe Termoil

Scotty was, to me, perfect, in every way, shape and form. The jeans clung perfectly to his 20-year-old well-shaped ass; the tight shirt defined his V shaped torso perfectly, from the broad shoulders to the narrow waist. He didn’t drink, smoke, or keep a messy apartment. He never argued with me, which, in my book, was a major plus. Yet, I was annoyed with him, and a tad bit angry, as well. This led me to my current situation.

His ass muscles flexed visibly as he continued to walk well ahead of me; the sight kept me distracted and entertained. Oh yeah, my current situation. Well…let’s just say I’m stalking him. Why am I stalking him? Because, I’d been dating him for the past year and now, all of a sudden, he wasn’t returning any of my phone calls. I figure, if you’re in a relationship and one partner is doing something you don’t like you sit down and talk to him, let him know what’s bothering you, not start ignoring him for no reason. And quite frankly, I wanted to know if he was cheating on me.

The shirtless skater boy came out of nowhere, almost flying into me. I scowled at him, ready to say something to the cute boy with the taut stomach muscles, but his dazzling smile distracted me. I shook my head. Now was definitely not the time to be distracted. I was on a mission. I looked in the direction I’d last seen Scotty.

Crap. I lost him! I swear there was no way in hell I’d have been able to lose him, considering the fact that my eyes were practically glued to his ass mere seconds ago. I scowled to myself and sped up, past the alley that ran between the buildings and to the end of the street. He wasn’t ahead of me; looking to the left and right on both sides of the road, I could see he hadn’t turned.

“Damn it!” I cursed, slightly disappointed that my hormones had led me to lose the object of my heart’s desire. I let out a sigh, deciding to follow plan B.

I’d ambush him outside his apartment building.

Definitely a good plan, right?

Wrong.

I turned around and practically walked into his hands-on-hips form that was scowling at me with a “what the hell do you think you’re doing” look on his face.

I cringed inwardly, before I did what I really wanted to do to him. I smiled at him.

Yeah, I know, ridiculous. But I couldn’t stay angry with him, no matter what. I was just getting ready to open my mouth and greet him, trying to muster enough surprise in my voice to pretend that I was happy to see him, when he beat me to the punch.

“Patrick Francis Chapman! Would you like to tell me why you’re following me?” Scotty asked, his voice soft and low, pleasant to my ears.

“Huh?” I laughed, pretending confusion. “I have no idea what you’re talking about!” I said, trying to sound indignant.

Scotty rolled his eyes at me; the skater that had just pulled to a stop next to Scotty did the same thing, mimicking Scotty’s expression perfectly. I couldn’t help myself. I gaped, especially when the skater held out his hand, palm up, in front of Scotty. That kind of confused me a little bit, but apparently Scotty knew what was going on because he dropped a twenty dollar bill in the kid’s hand.

“You had me distracted!” I said, indignant that Scotty would stoop that low.

Scotty rolled his eyes at me again. It was kind of cute, in an annoying sort of way.

The kid just smirked at me for a moment, then dropped his board and hopped on, taking off down the sidewalk. My head turned, focusing on the band of his underwear that was just visible above his shorts.

The sound of a throat clearing brought my attention back to a glaring Scotty. I just shrugged my shoulders at him while giving him an expectant look.

He sighed. “Fine, c’mon then,” he muttered, and took off across the street.

“Where are we going?” I asked.

He didn’t answer. I sighed, and closed my mouth, deciding that I’d find out when we got there. I swear, I wouldn’t have stalked him if I had known he would be so put out by it. He must not have been that angry though, ‘cause he grabbed my hand and held onto it, a little too tightly, like he was scared or something.

That should have tipped me off that something was wrong, because he normally didn’t go for public displays of affection.

We kept walking, but my subconscious really must have been trying to tell me something, because in the end he practically dragged me right into that building, seemingly as unwilling to go into the place as I was. But, that was the one thing I had always admired about Scotty. He was always willing to go through with something, no hesitation whatsoever on his part, no matter how tedious or bad the task at hand.

I should have known better than to follow him into the clinic, but, for whatever reason, I did.

********************

The taxi ride home was so uncomfortably quiet that it grated on my nerves. Every single breath that Scotty took made me shift uncomfortably in my seat, the more so because he hadn’t said anything since we’d left the clinic, and now he was just sitting there, staring at me. I know he was watching me because I was watching him out of the corner of my eyes, which were shaded from view by the sunglasses that I’d put on well before we walked out.

Why wasn’t he saying anything! It was driving me insane, mostly because I couldn’t think of anything to say, and I didn’t argue when Scotty directed the taxi-driver to my house, or when we pulled up outside of it.

I started to turn toward Scotty, but stopped. What was a person supposed to say? I’m sorry? Why? How?

I couldn’t think anymore, not since the doctor had told Scotty the bad news. So I did the one thing that, in retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have done.

I got out of the taxi and walked, slowly, up the sidewalk, through my front door, past my family, down the hallway, and into my bedroom—all without saying a word to anyone. The weight of sorrow was more than my 18-year-old shoulders could take. It pushed my soul into the depths of misery that I could not deal with.

*********************

That was two weeks ago, and I hadn’t tried to talk to Scotty since then. He must not have wanted to talk to me either, because he hadn’t texted or anything. All I’d managed to do in that time was a little research on the internet about HIV and AIDS, and mope around the house. I hardly talked to anyone, even my family. That was kind of weird for me too, ‘cause I could hardly be considered the monosyllable type. Guess you might say I’m kind of a chatterbox, most of the time, and yet I didn’t want to talk to anyone anymore.

This was why I currently found myself sitting in my backyard while a party raged on around me; silent and feeling extremely miserable. But that could be because Scotty hadn’t come like he had said he would. Granted, the invitation had been given before I knew, and yet every time I heard a husky, low voice I would raise my head, a lump would form in my throat, and my heart would speed up. I expected to see Scotty standing there.

To me it seemed kind of ridiculous, especially since, even though we’d been going out for a year, we still hadn’t had sex. I’m kind of ashamed to say it, but the only thing I’d ever had sex with, aside from my hand, was Ricky, my dildo.

I sighed as another lump formed in my throat, suddenly unsure if I’d ever lose my virginity to that one person that my stubborn heart insisted was meant for me.

A hand came down upon my shoulder, soft and gentle, rubbing in an effort to comfort me. I must admit, I wanted comfort, and was about to get a refill on my beer.

“Honey,” her soft voice said, reaching my ears. The love that was in her voice was kind of heart-breaking, and made me tear up a bit.

“You’ve been moping about for the last two weeks, I’ve heard you crying at night, and you haven’t returned any of your friends’ calls…Will you please tell me what’s going on?” Mom continued softly.

I shrugged my shoulders, unable to say the words that I needed, no, wanted, to say. I’m not really all that sure why I couldn’t say the words, but there’s one thing about my mom, not only can she be temperamental when she needs to be, but she can be loving and patient as well.

You could tell that this was going to be one of those loving and patient times because she sat down on the step above me on the patio stairs and handed me another beer. That, itself, was strange, because she normally limited the amount of alcohol we could drink at home, but then again, she knew I wouldn’t drink and drive.

She wrapped her arm around me and pulled me close, so that I could rest my head on her chest. She held me tightly. I drank the beer like it was water, and was somehow not surprised to find another one in my hand. Yup, she was curious alright, and Mom being Mom, she had no qualms about getting this lightweight drunk enough to talk freely to her.

“Is it Scott?” she finally asked when I leaned against her even more, allowing my weight to rest against her.

I nodded my head.

“Did you two fight?”

I laughed, slightly ashamed of myself.

“I wish,” I mumbled, “it’s worse than a fight could ever be, I think.” I finished, quietly.

She stroked my blond hair softly.

“Pat…” she whispered.

The pain in her voice broke my heart all over again, and the tears that I’d been trying to hold back unsuccessfully for the past couple of weeks came once more. I couldn’t help it. My body started racking with uncontrollable sobs.

She crooned to me, singing to me softly under her breath. I couldn’t stop myself. I confessed my crime.

“They think he’s HIV positive, mama,” I finally said, managing to choke the words out through my sobs.

“Oh, honey!” she whispered, shocked.

“That’s not the worst part though. I walked away from him,” I wailed, allowing my eyes to close as I turned my body and wrapped my arms around her, seeking the comfort of a childhood that was no longer mine to have.

She sighed.

“My poor little boy,” she whispered softly, rocking me against her body.

“I miss him,” I blubbered.

She snorted. “Of course you do, idiot, you love him, don’t you?”

I couldn’t speak, stunned, and a little hurt, but I realized she didn’t really mean anything by it…I think.

So I did the next best thing. I nodded my head while wiping my nose against her blouse.

“Then ya gotta make it right, babe,” she whispered, pulling me even tighter against her.

I fell asleep there on the stairs, in her arms while the family’s little impromptu party raged around me, only to wake up a little bit later when Tommy, my little brother’s boyfriend, picked me up and carried me to my bedroom. I’ll say one thing about my little brother; he likes ‘em strong, and managed to get lucky. I could only hope that I hadn’t screwed up so badly, because there was only one thought that I was able to really hold onto while being carried into my room.

I needed Scotty, for my heart’s sake.

********************

I’d stopped by the AIDS clinic earlier this afternoon, prepared to ask questions of anyone and everyone, just to find out what I should expect later on in life, but for some reason, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Actually, that’s not true, I knew why I couldn’t do it, but, I needed to tell it to Scotty.

Perhaps that’s why I now found myself standing outside Scotty’s apartment later on that evening. It was later than I had planned on it being, but I ended up making some other plans as well. All to do with Scotty, my sweet Scotty. My bag seemed heavy against my shoulder as I paced in the hallway outside his apartment, unable to bring myself to knock on the door and satiate my heart’s desire. But I had to take a page out of Scotty’s book, for once. If he could be strong, than I could too.

So I pulled out the key to his apartment and unlocked the door, letting myself in as quietly as possible. I shut the door and twisted the lock in place, before I turned, prepared to set my plans into motion.

And stopped.

I barely recognized the place anymore. It was a complete, total mess!

I moved quietly through the apartment.

Half-eaten cartons of Chinese food were strewn about the place, mixed with clothes and beer cans, whiskey bottles, and scattered newspapers.

And there, passed out on the couch, his shirt off and a half empty bottle of whiskey barely held in place against his hairless chest, was Scotty, his hair all amuck and out of place, dark rings under his eyes.

I let out a quiet groan of despair. My usual, clean cut Scotty was no more, and I couldn’t really think of anything to do, so I did the one thing that came to mind.

I pushed as much trash aside with my foot as I could, set my bag on the floor, went to where Scotty was lying on the couch, pulled the bottle out of his hand, and pulled him into a sitting position. Moving behind him as much as I could I finally got him into a position where I could grab him under the arms and dragged him through the apartment and into his bed, where I dropped as much of him as I could onto the bed, undid his jeans and rolled him into the bed.

By the time I wrestled him under the covers I was tired, sweaty, and more than ready for a drink of my own. Maybe that’s why I went back out into the living room and grabbed that bottle of whiskey that I’d set down on the coffee table. It was there that a plan of action came to me, I mean, seriously, after walking away from him without a word once, what would happen if he decided he didn’t want to listen to anything I had to say? It’s simple, he’d walk away, and I wouldn’t be able to stop him. Unless…

I grabbed a trash bag and a couple of clothes baskets, and smiling to myself, started picking up all his clothes and throwing them in a pile, while the trash went into the bags. It took a few hours, but I got it done, and made my way back to Scotty’s room after I made a few trips outside. Once there I stripped Scotty of the rest of his clothes, along with mine and made a quick trip to the bedroom window. Done, I crawled into bed with him, still sipping away at that bottle, more than pleased with my bright idea. I mean seriously, it was one of the best ideas I’d ever had, if I say so myself.

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. What the hell are you doing drinking, stupid! He’s naked! Why aren’t you taking advantage of the boy while he’s out cold!

Believe me, the thought was there, but, I had something else in mind.

Which is why the next morning when I woke up to Scotty’s face glaring at me, I didn’t think anything about the fact that we were both naked and I was curled up against him like a kitten in mid winter.

“Morning,” I mumbled, stretching against his warm body enough that I could lean forward and kiss him. Yeah, I know, morning breath, but I was content to be with him, even if we were about to have an argument.

“What are you doing here?” he asked, “And for god’s sake, why are we naked!” he demanded, after staring at me for a couple of minutes.

I smiled at him.

“You’re my boyfriend, why wouldn’t I be here, and naked?” I asked him back. Yeah, it’s annoying answering a question with your own question, but, I couldn’t help myself. I figured if we were going to fight, then I might as well do my best to annoy the hell out of him while I could.

It didn’t seem to work though, because he just ended up staring at me in confusion.

I sighed, deciding that perhaps it wasn’t all that good of an idea to play with his head.

“Look, nothing happened. I came over to talk to you and you were passed out drunk. So I put you to bed, and took your clothes so you couldn’t run away from me,” I mumbled, laying my head against his hairless chest as I did so.

He pushed me away.

“Took my clothes?” He asked.

I nodded my head. “Yup, locked ‘em up in the trunk of my car, and threw whatever was left out the window” I replied, grinning at him like the idiot I was feeling like.

He sighed. “You…You’re…Impossible!” he said, kind of loudly. If I didn’t know any better I’d think he wanted to shout at me, but, he couldn’t, ‘cause he didn’t like shouting at people. Besides, he loved me, if the obvious erection that poked me in the side when he turned to face me was any indication.

I snorted at him. “Please, they need to be washed just as much as the rest of the apartment…” I started to say.

That didn’t seem to help matters any, ‘cause he just started glaring at me again.

“…and you need a shower,” I finished saying. That must have done it because he rolled away from me and off the bed, looking around his bare bedroom floor.

I smiled to myself and watched as he walked, naked, to the dresser and started pulling open drawers. He didn’t find anything, and apparently couldn’t resist anymore because he practically ran to the window, the dimples in his cute naked ass flexing as he did so, to look out it. The look on his face when he turned toward me was full of out-raged disbelief. I couldn’t help myself and started laughing a little bit. He should have known by now that I didn’t lie. I might be a little slow, sometimes, but I never lied.

He turned the rest of his body to face me, his hands on his hips, cock standing proudly against his tummy. I started licking my lips but stopped myself as I remembered that I was still in trouble.

“What…do…you…want…” he growled between his teeth.

“To apologize for being a prat,” I murmured.

He raised an eyebrow at me.

I shrugged. “Don’t ask me, some British word, think it’s slang for idiot or moron, you’d have to ask Tommy.”

“Look…Pat…I’m HIV positive, I don’t…” he started to say.

“I don’t care,” I interrupted him, and continued before he could stop me. “It doesn’t matter to me, besides, that was the first test right?”

It took him a moment, but he nodded his head in confirmation.

“Okay, so…we’ll go somewhere else and get another test done,” I said.

“And what happens if that test comes up pos…”

“Look, Scotty, I know I didn’t react so great the first time around, damn it.” That seemed to catch his attention, ‘cause I hardly ever swore. “But, even if it does come up positive again, it won’t matter, not to me. I love you, and I’m not leaving…”

A stubborn look came across his face.

“I’m not leaving,” I said again, for emphasis. “And you can’t make me either,” I finished, deciding to be just as stubborn as it looked like he was going to be.

“Besides, my heart won’t let me. It wants you too much, and I know I messed up, big time, and I’ll apologize a thousand times if that makes you feel better,” I continued, deciding to ramble as I got out of his bed and made my way toward him, snaking my arm about his waist and pulling his nude form against my equally nude form. That seemed to work in distracting him just as well as my words.

“And they make medicine that helps, you know. You may think you’re doomed to die 10 or 20 or 30 or even 40 years from now, but that doesn’t matter,” I continued, softly. “We all die sooner or later, and no matter how many years you may or may not have, I still have today to be with you, and when I go to bed tonight, I’ll look forward to spending as much time as I can with you tomorrow.”

I looked up into his eyes as I said this last part, willing him to know how sincere I was in the promise that I was making. It seemed to be leaking into that pretty head of his, if the tears that were crawling down his cheek were any indication.

“I’m not leaving you,” I whispered, “and I’m not letting you leave me. You’re my heart’s desire, and I love you.”

He cleared his throat.

“What about sex?” he asked, quietly, as he shifted his hips to the side, brushing the head of his penis against my stomach as he did so.

I smiled, slightly distracted.

“In time,” I whispered.

“But…”

“In time,” I growled at him, promising myself that I’d try and take advantage of him the next time he got a bit tipsy. I wouldn’t be able to let him get as drunk as he seemed to have gotten while I was off acting the part of a major idiot anymore, but, tipsy didn’t seem to be such a big deal, not to me, anyways, especially if it wasn’t that often. Maybe twice a year, tops.

“But…” he tried saying again.

I silenced him with a kiss and pulled him back into the bed, deciding that maybe the time was right now. I was no longer willing to spend another minute waiting for the love of my life to be ready.

“What about our clothes?” He finally managed to get out when he pulled away from me again.

I snorted. I couldn’t help myself.

“Well…” I mumbled as I leaned toward him again, “We’re going to have to wait till later on tonight…like…when your neighbors are asleep…You ever go streaking?”

He gaped at me.

I smirked at him for a moment before I attached my lips firmly to his once more, thinking of all the things we could do to entertain one another for the rest of the day and most of the evening.

There would be a long, bumpy road ahead of us, if indeed he was positive, but I’d take it one day at a time, and, like I told him, when I went to bed by his side tonight, I’d wake up in the morning, looking forward to the amount of time I’d be able to spend with him then too, and the day after that as well, for as long as I had him.

It was, to put it simply, my heart’s desire.

The End

© 2009 Linxe Termoil

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