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Do You Ship Us? - 38. Feelings and Love Songs

The lead up to the concerts was tense, Chris was making increasingly stupid decisions about their setlist and overall performance plan, instructing Jasper to not be affectionate with any other member on stage because of the still circulating rumors of his sexuality, he didn’t want to have any dancing, and was concentrating on their less popular songs. It was evident that his plan was to put on a concert that the audience wouldn’t love, and the members were filled with guilt knowing they would have to go ahead with this plan but by the end of the week, their contracts would be due to be re-signed and they would be free to give Chris their show stopping ‘fuck you’ that they’d been working on in private in Ryan’s Mum’s living room.

Jules had been really supportive in helping Jasper come up with the right way to word his song to make the right impact on the audience. Ryan knew his Mum was enjoying having the whole band over, because throughout his life he’d kept to himself so much that that she’d not seen him spending time with friends very often, so seeing him hang out with his band was giving her a lot of joy.

“Are you nervous about tomorrow?” Jules asks when Ryan and Jasper sit down for dinner the night before their mini tour was to start.

“Not really.” Jasper shrugs. “I will be nervous for the last show but I’m use to the performances. I just get excited to be on stage performing for our fans.”

“I on the other hand will be taking valium before bed and keeping myself dosed until I get home.” Ryan jokes, but his Mum gives him a pitying look.

“You’ll get use to it eventually. I do hope you’re able to find a new record company soon enough so you can continue performing before the dust settles and you start losing confidence in yourself.” She sighs.

“Oh don’t worry, we’ll be busting our guts getting ready with new songs and more choreography so that as soon as we sign, we can record the next album, do a few music videos and get back out there better than ever.” Jasper smiles as he places a hand under the table onto Ryan’s knee. Ryan smiles and holds his hand, giving him a gentle squeeze.

“We should probably get to bed early, it’s going to be hard to sleep the next few nights.” He suggests and Jasper nods in agreement.

“You go ahead, I’m going to do the dishes before I come up.” He tells him as he stands and takes his and Ryan’s empty plates to the sink and gets started cleaning up. He hears Ryan say goodnight to his Mum before heading out of the room. Jules comes into the kitchen with the last few dishes and leans against the bench.

“You didn’t have to do those you know.” She states, gesturing at the dishes Jasper was cleaning.

“Well you have done so much for us, and I wanted a moment alone to talk to you.” Jasper tells her quietly.

“Oh?”

“I’d like to ask you for your permission and opinion on me asking Ryan to move in with me? I haven’t told him yet but I have been approved for a place and I’d really like it to be our place, not just mine. Do you think he’s ready for that kind of thing? Would you be ok with it? It’s not far from here, maybe 10 minutes drive into the city. I just don’t want to assume anything and make anyone upset or uncomfortable.” Jasper tells her gently.

“Oh gosh that is a big step, are you ready for that? I have really appreciated having you here Jasper, and seeing you with my boy, he’s so happy. I never have to doubt what is really going on with you two. I see such a genuine and loving relationship and I feel so privileged to be able to see that connection myself, as it’s been developing over the last few weeks while you’ve been here. If that is what you are really ready for, then of course I think you should ask him, I would love for him to be living out of home with someone who cares about him and gives him the happiness you do. You’ve been very good for him and I couldn’t ask for more.” Jules tells Jasper with a grin, stepping in to hug the boy who was giving her son so much.

“I’m not going to ask him until paperwork is signed and I have the keys, so it might be a few weeks, but I didn’t want it to come as a surprise to you. After everything you two have been through, I figured your relationship is more important than anything and I didn’t want you to feel I was taking him away from you in any way.”

“Oh goodness no, I’m a good judge of character, trust me if you weren’t worthy of asking him to live with you, I wouldn’t have been letting you be here with him. There’s a reason you’re allowed through the front door and not sneaking through the windows, I trust you and I see the good you’ve brought to Ryan’s life. Now, let me finish these up, you have a big few days ahead of you so you need to go and rest.” She orders, pushing up her sleeves and stepping in to take over the dishes.

“You’ve been so wonderful, I can’t thank you enough for taking me in.” Jasper dries his hands and turns back to her. “I hope it’s not too much to say, but you’ve made me feel like part of your family here, I don’t know how long it’s been since I’ve felt that way.”

“You fit in like you’ve always been here.” Jules grins at Jasper. “Now off to bed.” She orders in her mothering voice.

“Yes Miss Kurtis.” Jasper nods and hurries off to Ryan’s bedroom.

 

He walks in as Ryan is climbing in bed after his shower, Jasper was feeling extremely affectionate after his conversation downstairs and was eager to get in and share that feeling with Ryan.

“How’d your secret conversation with my Mum go?” Ryan asks, smiling at the look on Jasper’s face.

“You’re Mum is the sweetest person alive, I swear.” Jasper starts stripping down for his turn in the shower.

“She definitely likes you.” Ryan watches Jasper get all the way down to nothing but underwear, shamelessly staring at him. Jasper clears his throat to get Ryan’s eyes back on his face. Ryan throws the sheets back and gets out of bed, walking over to Jasper and taking him by the hips. “Do you have any idea how tempted I am to get in that shower with you? Or throw you on the bed and get you a little more dirty?” Ryan asks, holding direct eye contact the whole time he speaks, his hands slowly roaming up and down Jasper’s sides before holding his hips again.

“Ryan~” Jasper breaks eye contact and turns his head to look at the bathroom. “You know how I feel about your Mum being around.” He holds Ryan’s arms and gently pushes them off.

“She’s downstairs.” Ryan takes a step back, eyeing his boyfriend again.

“She’s in the house, that’s enough for me.” Jasper shakes his head and starts heading to the bathroom. “Like you said, she likes me. I want to keep it that way and having her walk in on us messing around seems like the right way to make her not like me anymore.” He turns the shower on and looks over his shoulder at Ryan who stood leaning against the doorway.

“I can assure you right now, there’s no way, knowing we are both up her sharing a bedroom, that she would ever walk in without knocking.” Ryan tells him quickly, watching Jasper swing his towel over the curtain bar of the shower.

“She’s walked in on you before.” Jasper replies and takes the moment that Ryan looks up at the ceiling and sighs at his comment, as the moment to take off his underwear and get behind the shower curtain, though Ryan sneaks a quick glance before he does.

“I’ve tried so hard to suppress that memory. Very different situation, and I thought we weren’t making everything about him.” Ryan calls out.

“It’s not about him, it’s about your Mum. I’m sure she’s tried to forget it too, but I think one scarring is enough for a lifetime and I want her thinking I’m this pure, innocent, sweet guy that her son is dating in pure, innocent and sweet ways. Not some slutty bad influence.” Jasper answers, looking around the curtain at Ryan who was frowning and silent now, his eyes meet Jasper’s and he opens his mouth to talk, closes it again to think a bit more then responds in a nervous voice.

“You don’t see yourself that way do you? I’d hate for that to be how you feel whenever we’re doing stuff.” Jasper rolls his eyes and gives a heavy sigh.

“You know, sometimes I wish you didn’t take every comment I make and turn it into a concern. I know who and what I am and I don’t really care what other’s think of me. The only exception is your Mum, I really want her to like me because it’s so important that she doesn’t have any reasons to worry about our relationship. I just feel like it’s a little weird when she’s around, I don’t feel comfortable to relax and be sexy when she’s in the house. That’s all.” Jasper finishes off his shower quickly and grabs his towel from the curtain bar, accidentally pulling the curtain back a little on the way but covering himself at the same time. “The good news is though, we’ll likely be sharing a room in the hotel, so there’s a good chance for some privacy together over the next few days.” Jasper steps out of the shower, Ryan watches as Jasper dries himself, his body was a difficult temptation to risk but he wasn’t going to push it or try to convince Jasper to change his mind, nor did he have any plans to talk about all the ways a hotel is less private than his bedroom, thin walls for starters, he didn’t want to introduce any ideas that could put Jasper off.

“Are you disappointed?” Jasper asks, interrupting Ryan’s train of thought.

“Disappointed? No. Feeling a strange sense of being turned on by your body but hearing you talk so respectfully about my Mum at the same time? Very confused about what emotion to feel.” Ryan looks over at him and winks then turns and heads back to the bed without another word, Jasper following only a few steps behind.

“I’m sorry I’m not very comfortable with it all yet.” Jasper climbs in after him.

“I respect that. I don’t want to push you, I just want to make sure I didn’t ruin things when you weren’t super ready and that, that has put you off.” Ryan shrugs, rolling over to spoon Jasper, as had become their favourite way to fall asleep together.

“You didn’t put me off. I just wish I was confident enough to be sexy for you, but I feel like I’ll just be awkward and weird and bad at everything and as soon as you realize that, this happy little mysterious bubble will burst and it’ll ruin the whole relationship.” Jasper admits.

“Ah, at least we have a mutual fear of fucking it up.”

“I think anxiety is contagious, I’m definitely feeling it more when I’m around you.” Jasper comments with an amused laugh.

“No I think that’s called having feelings for someone.” Ryan teases, kissing Jasper’s shoulder and holding him a little tighter.

“Is that why I get cheesy love songs stuck in my head when I look at you? I might actually write something heartfelt soon, the way this is going.” Jasper asks quietly. Ryan is silent for a moment, but a huge smile was on his face.

“Sometimes you just say these things and I don’t think you know just what it does to me. The thought of you wanting to write a heartfelt song about how you feel with me, is a really big deal to me.”

“Mmm, lets get through the stress of this next week and then we can talk about feelings and love songs.” Jasper sighs, a sudden realization that Ryan was so excited by this conversation, and yet it seemed really early to be talking about ‘love’ and he felt extremely responsible for not disappointing Ryan by saying anything too soon. He knew that a ‘honeymoon’ stage of a new relationship was meant to be like this, it was meant to feel like being swept off your feet and in a whirlwind of obsessively wanting to be around one another, feeling a rush of emotions when you look at them and thinking that you could do this forever.

Since Ryan had been burnt so badly by fake love and fake feelings in his last relationship, Jasper felt terrified of ruining this relationship and being the next person to send Ryan downhill again. Love would have to be definite and completely undeniable, the commitment would have to feel 100% solid and without fault before Jasper wanted to be making such big promises to someone so vulnerable to getting his whole heart invested and being so easily hurt. He couldn’t know for sure that he felt this way, until after all the emotions of this overwhelmingly intense week was over, he didn’t want to mistake support and comfort for love and call it too early.

@Copyright (2018), Claire Rosalind; All Rights Reserved.
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Loving how Jasper is being responsible. I kinda hope the band deviate from Chris’ plans little by little. Or a lot. 

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Fantastic chapter. I love the respect that Jasper has for Jules in asking for her permission for Ryan to move in with him after the tour and the end of the contract term under Chris. I hope Jasper does it up in a royal fashion when he comes out at the end of the concert tour. Then the guys can tell Chris where he can go to along with his management ways.

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