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Do You Ship Us? - 57. Hi!

“I think it’s hit me a bit.” Jasper admits, leaning against the lift on the way up to his apartment. Blake looks at his friend with a grin. “Just act normal ok?” Jasper whispers loudly when the lift doors open.

“You’re going to fuck this up immediately, I can just tell.” Blake laughs as they walk to the door. Jasper shakes his head, falsely confident that he could keep it from Ryan. Ryan grins at him when he walks inside then he notices Blake following Jasper in and his smile falters, disappointed that it wasn’t just going to be him and Jasper, as he felt he had some making up to do after the rough start to the morning.

“Hi.” Ryan greets the pair.

“Oh my god, I haven’t even said anything yet. He’s so smart, how did he know?” Jasper looks at Blake shocked. Blake facepalms and gives an amused laugh.

“Way to implicate yourself moron.” Blake scoffs and shakes his head at Jasper then smiles at Ryan. “Hello.” He says, very deliberately to point out where Jasper had gone wrong.

“Oh shit.” Jasper bursts into laughter, embarrassed by his mistake.

“Huh.” Ryan crosses his arms and nods with a smile on his face. “I see.” He looks Jasper up and down and shakes his head, still smiling at him.

“I was meant to act normal so you wouldn’t realize.” Jasper admits, walking into the kitchen and opening the pantry.

“Right. You didn’t think the smell would give it away at all?” Ryan asks.

“Oh shit.” Jasper looks genuinely bewildered.

“Amateurs, right?” Blake jokes to Ryan who laughs.

“I could tell one of you have been smoking it the moment you walked in.” Ryan rolls his eyes. “So how high are you guys?” He asks.

“It’s just Jasper, he had a joint. Literally asked to buy a joint. We made sure he was safe though; he did only just finish it when we left the house though so I’m sorry to leave him with you now.” Blake gestures at Jasper who was just continually making excited noises then sighs of disappointment as he took stock of what was in the pantry.

“I want pizza. Why don’t we have pizza in here.” Jasper turns to Ryan sadly.

“There’s ways to get pizza.” Ryan tells him.

“What?”

“We can order pizza.” Ryan takes his phone out and opens up the app for the nearest pizza store.

“What am I going to do without you? Honestly.” Jasper sighs and walks over to Ryan to hug him.

“Get high and starve I’m guessing.” Ryan jokes, wrapping an arm around Jasper’s waist and kissing him on the cheek. “Now what flavour pizza do you want?”

“Wait, pizzas have flavours?” Jasper gasps, looking at Blake for confirmation.

“He’s all yours.” Blake shakes his head. “Please record the stupid things he says and does though.” He calls out on his way out the door. Jasper turns his attention to Ryan and shrugs.

“Hawaiian? Meat lovers? Supreme?” Ryan starts listing.

“Ohhhhh I was thinking lollipop flavours.” Jasper walks over to the couch and lies down on it. Ryan laughs and hangs his head, rubbing his forehead.

“Ok I’m ordering meatlovers.”

“You’re literally the best human in the world. You know that right?” Jasper calls out. Ryan laughs again and walks over to the couch, he taps Jasper’s legs to ask him to move, Jasper lifts his legs so Ryan can sit down, then rests his legs across Ryan’s lap again.

“So, was the meeting that bad? That you had to go and get high with Blake to recover?” Ryan asks.

“You seem happier than when I left, what pepped you up?” Jasper asks, sitting up and cuddling up to Ryan.

“Well I went to the gym and when I got home, I was feeling a little guilty about being so upset and emotional this morning so I texted my boyfriend to come back home and since he walked in the door I haven’t been able to stop smiling.” Ryan tells him, and despite it being so cheesy Jasper just about melted against him.

“I love you.” Jasper sighs. “Honestly though, you should try weed, maybe it’d help your depression.”

“Mmm, my depression maybe, but my anxiety doesn’t cope with feeling out of control.”

“Does it just suck to be you?” Jasper asks bluntly.

“It use to.” Ryan shrugs and holds Jasper a little closer. “Not so much right now.” He was on a role with cheesy comments and Jasper would usually pick on him or make sarcastic comments back but at the moment he was completely reveling in it. They enjoy just spending the time together in the moment, until they are disturbed by a ring on the doorbell. “That will be the pizza.” Ryan says and Jasper sits bolt upright like a Meerkat, wide eyed with excitement.

“Pizza!? No way, how did you know I wanted pizza?” Jasper asks surprised.

“You’ve literally said it 3 times since I sat down, and that’s after we had a full discussion about ordering pizza.” Ryan laughs, but Jasper was already up and running to the door, throwing it open and scaring the delivery guy as he announces how much he loves him for bringing him pizza. Jasper closes the door and takes the box over to the couch, trying to inhale the pizza through the box on his way.

“This is the best. You are the best.” Jasper sits back down beside Ryan, throwing open the box and grabbing a slice without hesitation.

“That’s a relief, because I was almost jealous of the way you were talking to the delivery guy just now, declaring your love for him and all that.” Ryan jokes as he reaches for a slice of pizza, hesitating for a second as Jasper glares at him and hisses. “Well excuse me.” Ryan laughs.

“Sorry. Isn’t pizza gonna ruin your abs though? I’m just looking out for you buddy.” Jasper is barely finished speaking before he shoves half the slice of pizza in his mouth.

“How considerate of you, you’re sure you are not just planning on eating the whole pizza on your own?” Ryan asks. Jasper looks sadly at the pizza then back at Ryan.

“It’s like you just, see right through me.”

“I just suspected you had the munchies. How are you feeling?”

“Kinda sad.” Jasper sighs. “I don’t want it to wear off, I’m enjoying feeling this chill. I can see why people do this. Everything seems like no big deal and like it’ll all just work out.” Jasper leans against him again. “Is that bad? It’s probably bad to you hey, because after being with Damien, the last thing you need is another drugged up boyfriend right?” He sighs and takes another bite of his pizza.

“It’s not bad. If you were doing massive amounts all the time and it was starting to effect your life, I’d probably be worried but I think I can deal with you getting high and rambling about pizza every once in a while. Also Damien is asthmatic so he couldn’t smoke weed, he tried probably everything else he could get his hands on but had really bad trips on pretty much all of them so he didn’t actually get into using drugs himself, the one time I saw him on drugs he was convinced that he was being followed by shadowed figures that wanted his teeth. I had to stop him from seriously hurting himself, because he was determined to rip his own teeth out and keep him from jumping out the window because he was convinced he could fly. It was terrifying and he told me he’d never take anything again after that experience.” Ryan cringes at the memory while Jasper just puts his pizza down in disgust.

“He tried to pull his teeth out? Wow, so if he had bad experiences on drugs and decided instead he’d just drug other people? Really a stand-up guy.” Jasper tells him, grabbing his pizza slice again and lying back with his head in Ryan’s lap. “How come you knew the smell of weed? I assumed from Damien...”

“Lots of crazy stuff happens at the kind of parties that I use to work at.” Ryan shrugs. “And I have actually smoked it a few times myself before my mental health went downhill. I enjoyed it, so I’m finding this all very amusing.”

“Mate, why don’t I get to see that side of you? Can we please get high together some time? I promise I’ll sort your brain out and reassure the shit out of you, that whatever thoughts your having are bullshit.”

“Sure. I trust you.” Ryan answers without hesitation.

“Really? Because they sent me home with one.” Jasper announces excitedly as he sits up, putting his pizza that he’d still only had a bite of, back down.

“They did not, did they?” Ryan starts laughing, though genuinely regretting agreeing half a second ago now that he was possibly going to have to see it through.

“Of course they did, it’s in my pocket but my fingers are all pizza-ry so you’ll have to get it.” Jasper tells him, Ryan sighs and slips his hand in Jasper’s pocket.

“They didn’t, did they.” Ryan asks.

“No, I just wanted an excuse to get your hands in my pants.” Jasper winks at him. “In hind sight, I could probably have just started hitting on you hey, since that usually works.” Ryan smirks at him, he had nothing to say back, he was just thinking about how much he was going to miss Jasper and his cheeky comments while he was away. ”Wow. How fast is the moon moving? Because it looks like It's moving really fast.” Jasper comments suddenly, his eyes fixated on the mood through the window. Ryan looks out at it, squints then looks back at Jasper and shakes his head. “It’s moving Isn't it?”

“I mean, it technically moves at like 2,000 miles an hour or something, but I’m pretty sure It's the weed making you think It's moving fast right now.” Ryan teases.

“Babe.” Jasper breathes heavily.

“Yeah?”

“I have a confession.” He looks down at his hands really seriously.

“Ok?”

“I sometimes forget everyone exists even when I am not around them. Do you do that? Its like in Toy Story, right? Where the toys have a whole other life when they aren’t being played with. I Find it hard to imagine that everyone is living lives all at once. Like right now we are having this moment but right now everyone is having their own moments. Like people are giving birth or saying goodbye to people or some people are saying goodbye not knowing it’s the last time they will see that person and people are making life changing decisions and others are just…”

“Sitting on the couch coming down from a high?” Ryan asks.

“Yeah.” Jasper sighs.

“That’s deep, man.” Ryan jokes.

“It really is. Like how weird is the world? I think I am having an existential crisis.” Jasper stares off into the distance with a frown on his face. Ryan just smiles at him amused and shakes his head then sighs.

“I think you need to drink some water.” He suggests, getting up from the couch and heading into the kitchen.

“You’re gonna be away for ages, still living your life while I’m gonna be here trying to not freak out about that.” Jasper states in a mindless mumble.

“Well any time you feel like freaking out, just look up at the sky and know that whatever moon, sun, clouds, stars you can see, I can see them too from where I am too.” Ryan takes a glass of water back over to Jasper.

“That’s cheesy as fuck.” Jasper laughs. “Speaking of fucking, are we gonna do that before you go or no?” Jasper asks bluntly, catching Ryan off guard with his wording.

“Wow, that’s uh, that’s kinda taking the romance out a bit.” He scoffs, setting the water down in front of Jasper and sitting back down next to him on the couch.

“Well, I don’t like the idea of you off dancing on someone 7 days a weeks all day long when you’re deprived.” Jasper comments, starting on the pizza again, despite the fact it was now cold.

“Deprived is not the word I’d use. Is that, how you’re feeling?” Ryan frowns at him.

“Mmhm.” Jasper swallows his mouthful of pizza and looks at Ryan. “This might be the most you thing I’ll ever say, but, it kinda feels like you don’t actually like me that much or there’s something off putting about me because you don’t want to just do it.” Jasper admits, again, his bluntness surprising Ryan.

“Oh. I’m sorry you see it that way. I do want to take that step with you.” Ryan hesitates.

“Well I’m right here. Take the step. You know I’m ready, I feel like I’ve been throwing hints.” Jasper leans back on the couch, probably thinking he was being seductive.

“It’s not like that at all, I’m just wanting to make that special and I’ve been waiting for the right time. I don’t want to just ‘do it’, I want it to feel like it’s ‘making love’, I want it to have the right passion and meaning, not just ‘fucking’.” He chews his lip, finding it difficult to look at Jasper while he spoke, despite feeling Jasper’s eyes not leaving him once. He glances at Jasper nervously and then grabs the glass of water, taking a sip and putting it back on the coffee table.

“Ok, but are you sure you’re not saying that as an excuse because you’re scared?” Jasper asks.

“I’m not...”

“Because I feel like you’ve made this such a big important life altering moment in your head, because last time it wasn’t what you wanted it to be and that led you to wanting to kill yourself and the end of a shitty relationship that you haven’t quite let go of and therefore can’t move forward from and so the idea of taking that step again is making you anxious about it being the beginning of the end for us too, and maybe you have some internalized fear that you won’t reach a standard and I’ll be let down by it and run off fucking other guys...” Jasper pauses watching Ryan who was starting to look more and more deflated with each suggestion. “Or something, I don’t know. I’m high.” Jasper mumbles, looking away from Ryan and waiting for a response, he felt guilty for letting out the list of excuses he’d thought of for why Ryan was so hesitant. They both sit in silence for a while, Jasper glancing at Ryan who was sitting still as a statue, eyeing the water in front of him like he was waiting for permission to drink it. “Can you pass me the water?” Jasper asks, Ryan leans forward and takes the glass, turning to pass it to Jasper. “Am I making you nervous again? Like when we first met?” Jasper asks, placing his hand over Ryan’s on the glass and looking into his eyes, forcing him to hold eye contact.

“You are challenging me.” Ryan admits, looking down at Jasper’s hand on his. “I do genuinely want to make it romantic, that’s not some cover up. But it has been freeing, not having any pressure about it all. Knowing that waiting for the right time has no time limit. I appreciate that you’ve not been patient, and I know you’ve been dropping hints, you’re not actually as subtle as you might think you are.” Ryan gives a smirk then looks back up at Jasper. Jasper winks at him and takes the water, putting it on the coffee table and putting his arms around Ryan’s neck.

“Oh, aren’t I?” He asks, fake innocence in his tone.

“Don’t.” Ryan leans away, a nervous smile on his face. “You are right, ok. I admit I’m a bit scared. I just want everything to be perfect and the longer I make you wait, the more I’m feeling like I’ve put extra pressure on myself for being worth the wait, you know? Like it feels like a big deal, I just want it to be what you expect...”

“Ry. Listen, its not going to be perfect, that’s exactly what I expect. You think I really believe all the fanfics I’ve read where we’re both going at it like pro’s? I don’t. I’m not stupid, plus Blake has been joking about it being a 1 minute event, so I’ve got extremely low expectations. It’s supposed to be fun, it’s not a job interview where you have to be good enough for a call back. You’ll be nervous, I’ll be nervous, the point is we get to be nervous together. I want you to be able to relax and enjoy it the first time, knowing that no matter what happens, I’m with you because I love you and I respect you. So if the first time goes well, we can have a celebratory drink and relax knowing that all the things you were worried about were for nothing, and if it doesn’t go well, we can laugh about it and spend the rest of our lives getting to know what we like and what we don’t and that’s when we can start making it mind-blowing and whatever, we’ll become pro’s at each other and that, that! Is what makes it special and romantic and perfect.” Jasper shrugs, rubbing the back of Ryan’s neck while he spoke, in an attempt to get Ryan to relax and look at him again. By the time he finishes talking he has Ryan’s undivided attention. Ryan didn’t have any words to express how he felt after hearing what Jasper had to say, he simply wraps his arms around him and pulls him in close for a passionate kiss that he pulls away from sooner than Jasper hoped for.

“I do still want to set up some romantic things first.” He tells him quickly.

“Yeah just about my only expectation is that you’ll turn our bedroom into a fire hazard with candles.” Jasper teases.

“Exactly!” Ryan laughs.

“If it helps though, all I’ll be concentrating on, will be finding every single way I can drive you to pleasurable insanity.” Jasper leans in close, his lips nearly touching Ryan’s as he speaks, his eyes only looking up from his lips to give Ryan a cheeky wink, catching Ryan staring at him in almost a daze, when Jasper’s eyes meet his, he licks his lips and breathes deeply. “How’s my subtlety going?” Jasper smirks.

“Pleasurable insanity has me feeling both intense anticipation, and fear about whether I’m unknowingly dating a sadist.” Ryan gulps, still smiling as he looks from Jasper’s eyes to his lips, and back to his eyes.

“Well Ryan, if there’s one thing I already know I like, it’s being a chronic tease. I plan to be able to send you texts every single night you’re away that will make you want to fly all the way home to pin me to the bed.” Jasper whispers in a seductive tone, his hands moving from Ryan’s neck to slowly running over his shoulders and down his chest.

“Ok. Enough of that.” Ryan laughs, pulling away from Jasper and reaching for the water again. “You’re just going to make me not want to leave.”

“Oh I want you to leave, it’s going to be way more fun to mess with you when you’ve got months before you can touch me again.” Jasper shrugs, lying back on the couch and watching Ryan shift uncomfortably in his seat. “Of course, you’ve still got a few days left to touch me so if I were you...” Jasper pauses as Ryan drinks the rest of the glass of water. “Sorry, am I making you thirsty?”

“Very.” Ryan answers, chewing his lip and looking Jasper up and down. “And you thought I didn’t want you.” He scoffs, turning and crawling over Jasper, holding himself just above him as he runs his lips along Jasper’s jawline from his chin to his ear. “But, since I don’t have any candles, I guess we’ll have to wait a few more days to do anything about that.” He whispers, before pulling away from him and walking off.

“What, seriously? Where are you going?” Jasper calls out.

“To have a shower. A very cold one.”

@Copyright (2018), Claire Rosalind; All Rights Reserved.
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What are Jasper and Ryan going to do without each other for months?  I think the best thing that could possibly happen is that they do take the next step and actually do what they both want except for Ryan not feeling sure enough to go through with it (that’s only my opinion). Jasper is a very funny guy when he’s high, although I don’t think it’s a very good idea for him to continue using pot as a way to not feel like he’s doing something wrong with Ryan.

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Jasper is amusing when he's high, but he doesn't what to continuously use the drug or it will spoil the effects for him when he does. Ryan and Jasper are going to struggle being apart from each other for months.

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It's not like I expect Jasper to turn into a drug addict as I don't yet I kinda am not pleased with him using weed. I don't have a problem with marijuana itself rather sometimes the way it's used can be problematic. What I mean is I know people who use weed as a crutch and smoke almost 24/7 and freely admit they use it to deal with depression while refusing to seek more substantial help. If they're bored they smoke, if they're sad they smoke, if they miraculously aren't smoking...they smoke, etc. Using it every once in a while is fine like Ryan said but Jasper was already popping a can of beer whenever he was feeling stressed so I'm worried he could turn into a true hardcore stoner if given the chance. Not calling him an alcoholic either it's just that just like his boyfriend Jasper is not the most emotionally stable individual and could easily find himself dependent on these things to dull his negative feelings. I know I could be exaggerating but I honestly think it fits his personality. We'll have to see how things go and hope his friends notice as well as voice their disapproval if it looks like he's starting to smoke too often.

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