Goodbye - 1. Chapter 1

He woke up slowly on this, his last morning at home. His eyes fluttered open, closing and then opening again. Consciousness slowly returned to his still, lithe form, naked under his favorite blanket. The sunlight streamed in through the slightly open window. He hated sleeping with the blind down, or maybe it would be more true to say that he loved waking up to the sunlight filtering in through the gauzy curtains of his window. He loved fresh air, too, so he always slept with his window just slightly cracked open, even in the dead of winter. He stretched, settling his arms behind his head as he looked around the room, taking in each object in it. He had packed away everything he would be taking with him, but he’d left some things behind. His trophies were still there, mementos of his high school life. He’d left most of the photos and pictures there, too. Posters on the wall, flags pinned up, all the stuff that defined a teenager’s life and identity -- much of it a lie, a lie that no one else had ever known except himself; a lie and life that he would leave behind this morning.

Finally, morning pressure forced him out of bed. He padded towards his bathroom and took care of business. He turned on the shower and let it run for a minute, letting the hot water come up to temperature. Idly he wondered if he would have to do that at the new place, too. He stepped in and showered, washing carefully and thoroughly, relieving his other morning pressure and letting his imagination run wild.

The pictures ran through his head – the glimpses carefully saved in memory, stolen from the hundreds of high school showers, the moments in the gym or at the pool. He remembered that one kid, jogging to the showers, his long dick just flopping around, a thick bush at its base – a picture engraved on his mind’s screen. It had all crystallized that day. Somehow, those few seconds had shattered his confusion. He could put a name to what he had been feeling. He was a fag! All those jokes, the sniggering and sly comments were about him. All that unnamed and confusing yearning had been for another guy. He’d sat down, stunned and relieved at the same time – now he knew. It was better than just being confused. But now, he was terrified.

That day was his coming-out-to-himself day, and his diving-deep-into-the-closet day at the same time. He knew, but no one else could know.

He’d been careful about stealing glances at the other guys – trying to enjoy those brief moments without giving himself away. Occasionally there would be a moment of surprising joy, a moment of grace. The swimming pool with that guy in the white bathing suit. The guy had been so focused on flirting with the girls that he’d never noticed his own furtive glances. He’d learned something that day, all the while he was enjoying his new found knowledge – don’t wear a white bathing suit if you’re going to get wet. He still didn’t know if the guy had noticed, but when he came out of the water, wet and glistening, that white bathing suit hadn’t hidden much of anything! Oh yes, he’d enjoyed that moment, laying back on his towel, soaking up the sun. Of course, he’d had to turn over so no one else noticed his enjoyment, but it had been a good moment, nonetheless.

He’d been careful. All the time, he’d been careful, watching his glances, being careful about his pronouns, not letting anyone else into his own innermost thoughts. He’d taken part in everything that he could, the drama group, the debating society, even the wrestling team. But always there was that little watchdog carefully making sure that he didn’t give himself away. No one could know, no one could find out. He had seen how the kids treated other kids; he’d heard what the minister at the church had said. He’d even heard his parents make the odd comment at home when there was something on the news. No one could know.

He’d had a couple of girlfriends, nothing serious, but enough that he could turn up at the odd high school dance, and have a date for the proms. The mothers trusted him. He was a good boy. Little did they know what he wanted to do with their sons rather than their daughters. He’d kept up the façade, keeping himself safe. Better to be thought some kind of a nerd than a fag. It didn’t hurt that he was in AP studies with the others. By definition, they were all nerds somehow. He’d hidden – and stayed safe.

His parents hadn’t understood why he wanted to go away to college, but the scholarships had won them over. They had wanted him to stay close to home. But he needed to be free. He needed to stop hiding and to find out who he was underneath the carefully constructed façade. He wanted to break out of his suffocating cocoon – one that had grown tighter and tighter as the years went by. Sometimes he just wanted to scream at everyone.

But he didn’t. He was a good boy. He just built his walls higher, and hid deeper inside. He was a survivor.

Today was goodbye to that old life. Today, he was leaving. Today was freedom day. Today was the first day of the rest of his life – and it would be a different life from his past.

It was also a day filled with hidden grief, just like the rest of his life had been for so many years. He knew he’d never be back. Sure, he’d come back for the odd holiday or two. But he’d promised himself that he would find summer jobs, find Christmas work, find anything he could find to stay away and stay free. It would be hard, but he wanted out of this closet as desperately as he had ever wanted anything else. He wanted, he needed, to be free.

He couldn’t tell anyone. He would have to hide this grief, too. He knew that it was really the last time he would be in this room. Eventually they would turn it into a guest room or a study or something. Maybe they would even forget him – tears pricked at his eyes at that thought. No, no tears, not where others could see them.

He’d packed everything up last night, putting things into his car. He was going to take a few days and drive to the university. He was going south, away from the cold and damp, and into the warmth and light. At least, that’s how he thought about it. Somewhere new, where no one knew him and where he could start over, afresh. He’d laid out his clothes, too. He got dressed – old, comfortable clothes for the drive. He did a last minute check, opening and closing drawers, checking the closet, going through the bathroom. It felt almost as if he were checking out of a hotel room. Yes, he had everything. He was ready. He went to the door to open it, and looked around one last time. His eyes lingered here and there. It really was goodbye. He took a deep breath and got ready to open the door. Time to put on his game face. One last time, say all the right things, kiss all the right people and then say goodbye. He walked through without a backwards look, his face set towards freedom.