sorry took me so long, summer camps have started at work and it's crazy! 😧
Added to the end of this chapter... it didn't get pasted for some reason.
Chapter 11 - Grey Areas
March 15th, 2017
I stared down at him waiting for some kind of explanation. I’d just come in my underwear on top of him and he was talking about something I couldn’t even begin to comprehend. What had he said? It wasn’t something I’d ever heard of before.
“W-what?” I watched him closely even as my body shook to keep touching him. A nagging feeling pricked my stomach, apprehension making me keep my eyes on his. Somehow this was more important, no, more meaningful, than him letting me cum while I rubbed off on him. I still wanted to touch him, to keep touching him and lose myself in his body like I’d dreamed of doing for so long.
Dane sat up his strong arms bunching as he forced me to sit back on the center of the bed, putting a small amount of space between us as he did. The vein in his neck jumped as he leaned back tensely against the headboard of the bed. There was so much tension in his body I wondered if he was regretting telling me whatever it was he was trying to tell me. Or was he regretting letting me touch him in a way that could never be reversed? It didn’t matter, either way, I’d make him understand that there was no other way then for us to be together.
I’d make sure of it.
“It’s my sexual orientation,” Dane said with a level of exhaustion I didn’t understand.
I didn’t understand any of this.
“Your sexual orientation?” I asked since I’d only ever heard of gay, straight, bisexual, and asexual. Was it like being asexual? My eyes drifted down his muscular abdomen, the dips and valleys of his abs leading down to a bulge pushing up against his cotton boxers. I clenched my hands hard as I held myself from crawling back towards him. Breathing heavily I forced myself to look away from Dane’s obvious erection and back at his tense face. Grey eyes tracked me as he seemed to try to put together some kind of response. I wanted to tell him it didn’t fucking matter. It didn’t matter as long as I could touch him, and claim him as mine and no one could ever take him away from me. It didn't matter as long as we belonged to each other. The words bubbled up in my throat like acid wanting to deteriorate the situation even more, but I held them in. My lips still tingled as the cool air from the room teased the wet skin where he had kissed me. I licked the skin tentatively taking in the dark taste of him that still lingered there.
Dane had kissed me.
Holy fucking shit, Dane had kissed me. My body began to vibrate as I stared at his lips that still glistened and were still slightly reddened. I wanted to kiss him again, I wanted to do so much more. Fuck, I caught myself leaning forward my hand balancing on his outstretched leg as I held myself still.
He growled as he grabbed my upper arm keeping me close. “I can’t get aroused,” Dane said while looking somewhere over my shoulder, not meeting my gaze. “Not by physical appearance, it takes more, a connection….love.”
My eyes traveled away from his lips, the tone of his voice concerning me. He sounded frustrated and unsure of himself, and for Dane that was like the Earth falling off its axis and rolling into the universe to be lost in the darkness. It defied all laws of nature, Dane was always sure of who and what he was, but right then I could tell he wasn’t sure about what he felt. My lips tightened as I hovered over him, unsure what I should do. “Dane, I don’t understand but I don’t really care one way or another.” For once I was the one to lean forward and pressed our foreheads together, the contact so familiar but so foreign because I was initiating it for the first time. Life always seemed to pause when we were like this. None of the bullshit, none of the loss or pain, none of the people, absolutely nothing mattered when we were like this. It was just me and him and I could breathe without the weight of my losses, or the burden of my past trying to suffocate me.
It was just me and Dane, forever.
“I love you,” I whispered a melancholy filling my heart even as I said it. He was the only one I had that I could say that too, everyone else was gone. Seth was gone, and a part of me seemed to be constantly missing since his death. Mark and Jane were gone and I would always wonder if they’d be proud of who I was becoming. Through all of it I had Dane, and nothing in my life was as constant as he was. He thought whatever he said mattered, but to me, he could be an alien from outer space with no dick at all. I didn’t give a shit.
Dane sighed and leaned into me, letting me support his weight for once. His arms wrapped around my neck as he held me keeping us close. A moan slipped out of me as my dick, already fully erect rubbed against Dane’s erection through our underwear. It took everything fucking in me to keep my hips from thrusting into him. He couldn’t get hard he said, but he was now with me pressed against him. That thought alone made me lose what little control I had as I pressed my lips against his gently slotting our mouths together.
Growling Dane grabbed the back of my head and hungrily took my mouth thrusting his tongue between my parted lips. We nipped and sucked, battling with our mouths releasing everything pent up inside of me. “Fuck Dane,” I moaned between kisses, my hips thrusting uncontrollably against him now as I chased after the feel of his hard body under me. I wanted to keep doing this, I wanted to do more than before, I never wanted to stop touching him. He was mine, fucking mine.
“No stop, stop Ty,” he said as he pulled away, our breaths hot and mingling as he tried to calm down. A deep upset sound rumbled out of me as I looked down at his flushed troubled face. Why would he make me stop?
“I don’t want to stop,” I said even as I rolled over to lay beside him.
Dane sighed roughly hand rubbed his hand over his face as he stared up at the ceiling. A harsh chuckle escaped him after a second as he lay there avoiding looking at me. “I don’t want to either, and that’s a big fucking problem, Ty!” He sat up and faced me then, his grey eyes hard as he stared down at me with so many mixed emotions warring on his face. Fear, anger, love, lust, pain, confusion, everything placed there right under the surface where I could see him battling for the control he always had. “You’re my son, that’s what you are. I raised you, take you to school, make sure you have clothes, take care of you— I can’t feel this—” He stopped in the middle of his rant, his hands digging into the duvet with a white-knuckled grip as he swallowed deep gulps of air.
That’s what he couldn’t say. He couldn’t feel this way for me… but he did. He felt this way for me, and he didn’t feel this way for many people. He’d said he could only get aroused with a connection, with love. He had that with me and I wasn’t going to let it go. I’d missed out on a lifetime of possibilities with Seth, and with Jane and Mark, I wasn’t going to lose out on anything that I wanted anymore. I wasn’t going to let him deny the one thing I needed from him the most. I sat up so we were level with each other again, not separated by so much space until I could feel the heat of his skin. He didn’t retreat, but I could see the tension in his muscles as I laid a tentative hand over his heart. Under my palm his heart thundered dramatically threatening to explode out of his chest. Was it fear? Or was it something else?
“I don’t care,” I said, watching his face closely. “I don’t want to be just your son,” I want to be your entire world, I want me to be yours.
“Ty,” he covered my hand over his heart, gripping it hard, demanding. “You’re a kid, I can’t fucking love you this way! It’s wrong Ty.”
“Why is it fucking wrong!” I barked defensively. “I’ve loved you since I was fourteen, are you saying there is something wrong with me?” I was angry now, defensive about my own emotions that I’d buried for so long.
Dane shook his head, hard lines forming by the corner of his mouth. “No, Ty,” Dane leaned forward some of the tension leaving his shoulder as he pulled me into his arms in a tight embrace. My body relaxed as I molded into him letting my arms wrap around him effortlessly. I tightened my arms around him to keep him close for as long as possible, I didn’t want him to pull away again. “I love you so damn much it scares me,” he said into the crook of my neck.
“Me too,” I said as I clung to him. “I’m not going to let you go. please don’t ask me to, I can’t.” Not after losing Seth, and not now that I’d had a part of him I’d thought I’d never have. I couldn’t go back. I couldn’t be alone again.
Dane was quiet for a long time, letting the words settle in the silence as he held me. It was too soon when he pulled away grey eyes hard as he looked at me. I knew that look, it was the same one he’d given me when he’d told me I needed to see Dr. Corbin for the first time, the same time he’d told me I couldn’t make him my entire world. “Go to your room Ty.”
A sharp pain lanced my heart, the firm decision in his eyes telling me so much. He didn’t want to feel this way for me. “No, I’m not leaving.”
“Ty, go to your room,” his voice became harder, more demanding like the military man he was.
A part of me begged to do what he said, to do anything that would make him happy, but I couldn’t, not if it meant giving up on what I felt for him. I knew it was wrong in some ways what we were both feeling for each other, at least on some level, but I wanted it so bad I didn’t care. “Please, just tonight,” and every other night after that, I thought but I didn’t say it out loud.
Dane sighed but nodded after a few seconds. “Only tonight, Ty.” His voice was strong and commanding, but there was a tiredness in there that only I could hear. He thought he was doing what was best, protecting both of us, but I didn’t want to be protected from this. He laid down on his side and I followed him laying down to face him. We didn’t say anything as the house settled around us in the dark room. I was the first to close my eyes, submitting to sleep and forming a plan.
March 20th, 2017
The last few days had been fucking shitty.
I hadn’t slept, not since I’d gone back into my own room. That morning when I woke up with Dane, he’d acted like it was any other day, pretending like none of it had happened. He kept pretending like what we’d done or what he’d said had not happened. He’d shut down on me, treating me like a total stranger in our house. I was over it. The bullshit had to stop, that’s what I thought as I came downstairs and into the kitchen, the aroma of my annual birthday pancakes filling the air.
“Happy birthday, Ty,” Dane said over his shoulder as I sat down at the breakfast stool watching him make pancakes.
“Thanks,” I mumbled, a melancholy feeling pulled at my gut but I tried to ignore it. In the last five days Dane had been distant, so distant I thought I was losing him. Anxiety made me grumpy and snappish. I’d kept my promise and slept in my own bed, slept being that I stared at my ceiling missing Seth, and the comfort of Dane’s warmth that chased away the horrible nightmares.
Dane looked at me over his shoulder his fatigues making him look all the more commanding as his grey eyes as they drilled into me. “Are you sleeping ok?”
I shrugged. “No,” and I hadn’t really tried in the last few days. I wasn’t looking forward to this birthday, I didn’t really have anyone to celebrate with and with the tension between me and Dane I didn’t think it was going to be enjoyable. Since that night I had been doing research on demisexual and what it meant. After a few days of reading, I thought I had a pretty good grasp on what it meant and I was sure that no matter what Dane wanted the longer we were together the more he’d want to be with me. It was our connection he’d fallen in love with, that was physically arousing. He couldn’t feel this way, not without a level of commitment to someone over a long period of time. I would make sure that I was the only one he had that with, that I was the only one he could be with. The sticky monster inside of me didn’t care about anything as long as I made Dane mine, and I would.
Dane sighed roughly before taking the pancakes he’d cooked off the stove and plated them on the breakfast bar in front of me. “We’ll figure something out,” he said, trying to avoid the topic he knew I wanted to talk about.
“I looked up more on demisexuality,” I said as I took my first bite of pancakes into my mouth, eyes locked with his. “I’ve learned a lot.”
“You don’t need to know more about it Ty, I shouldn’t have told you in the first place,” he said flatly as he plated some of his own pancakes.
Irritated I kept cutting into my pancakes not looking at him when I spoke. “Shouldn’t have told me about being demisexual or that you only get hard for me?” The ugly monster inside of me cooed with happiness even as guilt soured my gut. I shouldn’t have said that, but I couldn’t seem to help it.
Dane dropped his fork on his plate with a hard clatter. His eyes were hard as steel as he looked at me across the kitchen bar, his nostrils flaring as a heated flush formed on his cheeks. I hadn’t seen Dane angry more than a few times over the years, but right now he was pissed. “Don’t ever fucking say that again, Ty. If someone fucking heard that—” Dane swallowed the muscles of his neck tensing as he did. “They could take you away from me, do you understand! This isn’t a joke, Ty. I’m your legal guardian, I cannot be—”
“That’s fucking bullshit! I’m seventeen, I can legally consent to be with anyone I want to be with. It’s my choice and I don’t want you to make it for both of us!” I growled, throwing my own fork down.
“You don’t know what you want, your seventeen years old and you just lost Seth. I know you aren’t dealing well with what happened, but I this can’t be your way to cope. I can’t be your entire life, Ty.” He growled as he passed an agitated hand over his close-cropped hair.
“Seth? You think this is about Seth?” I growled standing up as I narrowed my eyes at him. “Seth knew how I felt about you, he didn’t judge me for it. I fucking love Seth, and the only reason I even let him in was because you told me I needed to. I tried to love someone else, but I ended up killing a part of myself when he died. I can’t let anyone else in that way, I don’t want to let anyone else in that way. I’ve loved you since I was fourteen and I’ve had to fucking hide it from everyone!” I shouted feeling the angry roil inside of my gut purging through my words. Now that I knew being with him was a possibility I could keep in the painful hope that kept blooming in my chest.
“You don’t know what you want, you’re just afraid I’ll leave you!” He said lowly his mouth tight.
I ground my teeth painfully as I rounded the breakfast bar to stand in front of him. He thought he had it all figured out, that I was some confused broken kid that didn’t know what I wanted? Wasn’t that why I was really going to a shrink every week? “When did you start getting hard for me huh? How long have you wanted me? Bet you aren’t confused about what you want!” I goaded him pushing for the uncomfortable answers he didn’t want to admit to.
Dane growled baring his teeth in the most rage-filled display I’d never seen before. He stepped forward into my personal space, the two inches I had on him wasn’t comparable to the thirty pounds in muscle he carried over me. He pushed me back against the refrigerator his hand bracing besides my head as he trapped me. I didn’t fight it, no part of me feared Dane, not even this angry unknown version of him. He wouldn’t hurt me, and I wouldn’t hurt him, there was nothing in the world that would change that. So I taunted him more pushing for the reaction I needed, “Tell me D, when did you want to start fucking me? I bet I’ve wanted it a lot longer. I dreamed about you pushing inside of—”
“GOD DAMN IT TY!” He roared banging his fist into the fridge beside my head.
I jumped startled by the sudden movement and noise, but I didn’t try to get away. Dane’s body shook slightly in front of me, his head was bowed down just enough that I couldn't decipher his expression. I didn’t need to see to know, I’d felt that frustration before, the need.
I moved my hand out to touch his side, to soothe him in the same way he'd done for me so many times before, “Dane ple—”
He jerked back, his face flushed as he put a few feet between us, his usually steady grey eyes focused on anything but me. “Go to school Ty. I’ll see you later tonight.” He grabbed his keys off the counter already walking out of the kitchen leaving the pancakes untouched on the counter. I didn’t move as the front door slammed shut behind him. Sighing I slid down to the kitchen floor staring straight ahead.
It took me a few moments to get myself together. When I didn’t feel like the world was spinning out of control I got up and looked at the counter our pancakes now cold still sitting there. My eyes traveled over the black soapstone countertop to the small gift wrapped box near the edge. I grabbed it and noticed the card underneath it, I opened that first. Pulling out the simple folded card I saw the picture was a simple depiction of balloons with nothing else. Opening the card the inside had Dane’s handwriting scrawled across the left side in beautiful cursive loops that still surprised me.
“Ty, I don’t tell you how amazing you are enough. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I’m so happy to be part of your life. I love you, Happy Birthday.”
Sighing I put down the card. I shouldn’t have said anything, not today. I picked up the small box my hand shaking slightly as I tore the paper off and revealed the simple box underneath. Opening the top I looked inside of the tissue paper till I dug out the silver object buried inside.
It was a matching tag to the one he’d given me when Mark and Jane had died. On the front was Seth’s name engraved to match Jane and Marks, I flipped it over to see the quote on the back. “Live to tell the world who he was.” Groaning I clutched the cold metal in my hand as I stared at the stupid pancakes getting cold on the breakfast table.