Looking back those first few months when everything was out in the open it was fucking horrible. Dane was terrified of how he felt, and I was immature enough to take it personally. I missed Seth a lot, sometimes I wished it had been me who was supposed to die not him. It would have been so much easier for Seth and Dane if it had been me, at least that’s how I escaped admitting my real problems.
That was at my lowest point.
Dane remembers it differently, he was always the one to save me from myself, that’s why I love him so damn much, why I love both of them so much. Keeping me from falling off the deep end, because I had to admit it was me that needed him the most, not the other way around. I want to clear some shit up right now, Dane’s sexual urges for me had nothing to do with my age, gender or any other fucked up thing you have going on in your head. Sex has never and will never be the first urge that Dane has in our relationship and I guess in a way it makes him close to asexual in some ways, not that he doesn’t enjoy sex sometimes, but it’s more to satisfy our needs than for his personality.
Being a horney teenager in love with your legal guardian was hard, and I’ll be the first to admit I didn’t always go about the situation with any fucking patience. At the time it was all a cluster fuck that we weren’t doing a very good job of sorting through, but I wasn’t going to let it go and he wasn’t going to go anywhere. It was only a matter of time.
April 23rd, 2017
“Do you want to talk about what has you so upset?”
I didn’t look up from my drawing that I’d been working on since I’d come to Dr. Corbin’s office. I’d decided after the last week of complete hell between me and Dane that I was done talking to the shrink. It was petulant, but at that point, I didn’t care. Dane had gone out of his way to avoid me since the fight on my birthday. I couldn’t fully blame him after what I’d said, but that ugly part of me was resentful and angry that he didn’t try to fix the problem like he always did. He was always the one to extend the first branch whenever we argued making the bridge between us, without him giving me an opening I didn’t know what to do. Subconsciously my hand drifted up to touch the second tag on the chain around my neck. “I don’t want to talk,” I muttered.
“How is school?” Corbin pressed trying to find something for us to talk about. It was a safe topic, the ones he always asked me when he wanted me to talk more.
I didn’t blame him, it was his job to help me with all my supposed issues after all— and that was what we needed to talk about — Why was I still coming here? Did Dane think I was a mental case? Why did I still need to come to Corbin after all this time? The first time I’d come to evaluate me and to prove I wasn’t sexually abused after fucking Caitlyn’s allegations. What point was there for me to come now? I looked up at the doctor not trying to hide my anger when I spoke. “If we’re going to talk I want to know why I’m still coming here. What’s wrong with me that I have to come talk to you once a week?”
Dr. Corbin frowned, the space between his eyebrows furrowing. “Ty, there isn’t anything wrong with you. You come talk to me because your father wants you to have someone to talk to about anything that’s bothering you.”
I snorted and put down the drawing I’d been working on, an image of Seth smiling up at me. “Why do I need to talk to you? I can talk to Dane if I need to talk about anything and what do I have to talk about? All I do is go to school and spend time with Dane, what do I need to talk about? ” The ugly dark contempt I’d been feeling over the past few weeks was emerging as I kept thinking about all the reasons I was really seeing a shrink.
“Everyone has something to talk about Ty,” Corbin said, his frown deepened, blue eyes troubled behind his glasses. “Ty, what brought this on? You’ve never had a problem coming to our sessions before that I know of.”
I stared down at the sketchpad trying to come up with some reasonable response to that question. Why was I upset about this? It wasn’t like I didn’t know why I came here, I didn’t have friends, my past was riddled with abuse, and I had a relationship that surpassed parental with Dane. I knew exactly why I saw a shrink, but it was starting to feel like one more thing Dane was doing to put space between us. In that moment I realized what it was that had started to cause the anxiety tearing me apart — What if Dane stopped loving me?
That was insane, Dane loved me I knew he did, but it didn’t stop the incessant fear inside of me. I looked up at Dr. Corbin, who’d been quiet the entire time I’d been silently self-reflecting. “I’m tired of pretending,” I admitted, my hands gripping tightly on the arms of the chair. “I’m not an ignorant kid that doesn’t know what he wants. I know what I want.” I all but growled the last part, holding in the last bit of my anger.
Corbin nodded slowly, watching me closely with his pensive clear eyes. “Why are you pretending, Ty?”
“Because I’m not allowed to feel the way I do! That’s the story of my life!” Growling I stood up and ran a hand over my close-cropped mohawk as I started to pace in the small room. “I’m not allowed to have any happiness, everything that’s worth shit in my life is always taken away from me!” I shouted letting out the festering fearing building up inside of me.
“What are you afraid of losing now? What are you afraid of, Ty?” Corbin asked.
“Dane! I can’t lose him too! I thought losing Jane and Mark was hard, but it was nothing compared to losing Seth. I can’t do it again, I can’t go through it again, not without him. I can’t do anything withou—” I sucked in a deep breath as I curbed my words. Catching my breath I realized I’d started to pace the room, my hand running over my hair anxiously. Fuck, I was a mess. I sat down heavily in my chair as I leaned over my knees to settled my upset stomach.
“Ty,” Corbin said gently, “I’m telling you not as your doctor, but as a friend. There is nothing wrong with needing to talk to someone, especially after what you’ve been through. You’ve had a hard life Ty, and I want to help you through those hardships and so does Dane.”
“To talk to someone,” I said not looking up.
“Yes, Ty, about anything.”
To talk… was it really so easy? Could I really tell him everything going on inside of my head? “You wouldn’t understand. The world will judge, and I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to lose him and I feel like I’m running out of time,” and I was because what would happen when I turned eighteen? Surely Dane would use that as a reason to put distance between us.
“Ty I can’t understand if you don’t tell me. I’m not here to judge you, just help you.”
“Everyone judges, it’s impossible for people not to,” I said solemnly, my voice hard. I know how people judge, like all the people that had looked me over for adoption because of the color of my skin and my age, or how people looked at me and Seth when we held hands in public together.
“You’re right it is human nature but it’s what we do with it that defines you. Don’t be your own judge of people, Ty, give them a chance to prove themselves first.” Dr. Corbin said.
My own judge of people, was that what I was? Had I been blocking people off because I was judging them? The realization was a painful one and so very accurate, I was no better than the people who’d been throwing slurs at me and Seth, or the couples that passed me up at the orphanage, no better than the mothers who stared at Dane when he came to parent-teacher night, no different than any of the other bigots. I just kept it bottled up inside under the guise of being reclusive. That wasn’t my truth or at least I didn’t want it to be.
It was time to change it.
“I love Dane, I want to be his lover,” I said before I couldn’t get it out. “I miss Seth so much that I can’t breathe half the time, and being with Dane is the only thing that makes it possible to live.” It all came off of my chest like a ten-ton weight I hadn’t known I’d been holding up, keeping it from crushing my heart.
Dr. Corbin was quiet for a moment before a small sad smile curved the corner of his mouth. “Tell me from the beginning, Ty.”
So I did, I told him how I felt and only how I felt, because no matter how nice people seemed I wouldn’t let anyone endanger Dane
May 10th, 2017
My eyes scanned over the pages reading but not taking in the information. It was hard to concentrate with all the tests I was doing at school and the homework. It didn’t help that I didn’t sleep good, and other than Dr. Corbin I didn’t have anyone to talk to. I was hanging out with Leo Jackson more and it was nice to have someone to just decompress with, even if it was mostly just doing homework together or shooting hoops, which he’d found out pretty quickly I wasn’t fucking good at. I might be tall and black but I sucked a basketball on a soul-deep level. Leo was a good change of pace, but he was still affiliated with Chris Mcalister and I had no intention of having anything to do with that asshole.
Sighing I set the book down staring at the first words across page one, ‘Demisexuality is a sexual orientation in which a person feels sexual attraction only to people with whom they have an emotional bond.’ I’d been reading a lot about demisexuality since March and I’d learned a lot even with what little was out there. A lot of it came down to Dane and how he felt because everything I read gave so many perspectives on the orientation. It was closely linked to asexuality, but different in so many ways as it was alike.
I had to talk to Dane.
Yeah, that was fucking hard to do since he’d closed himself off from me. It had been a long six weeks, and even with my new car, a 2015 black Chevy truck that Dane had given me the keys to a week ago, I wasn’t feeling like life was any easier. I didn’t have a problem driving since the accident, but I still had nightmares and I was hopeful that they’d stop anytime soon. I wished Seth was here, I wanted to hold him like I used to talk to him about anything and everything. I didn’t want to have to go to his grave and stare at the date every couple of days wishing it was all some epic nightmare or a coma I was stuck in.
Curling up around Dane’s pillow I closed my eyes as I lay stretched out in his bed. It smelled like him and it was easy to close my eyes and pretend like everything was a fucked up mess between us. He was at work, but he’d be home in another thirty minutes and he’d tell me to go to my room. I sighed and breathed in the soothing scent of him ingrained into the sheets. My hands buried under the pillows to pull them closer when my fingers brushed against the thin folds of an envelope. Curious I sat up and pulled back the pillow to see the letter stashed under Dane’s pillow. It was addressed to Dane using his military title, and it had already been opened. Breathing harshly I pulled out the letter and read the crisp font,
Fort Carson Military Ball
You are invited to the 50th annual military ball on May 20th 2018
All personnel bring a plus one, formal wear required for all civilians
I read it again to be sure I’d read it right. I had and it made the metallic taste in my mouth that much harder to ignore. Dane hadn’t told me about the invitation and I knew that everyone brought a date to these events, so who was Dane taking? I gripped the invitation hard in my hand till it crumpled around the edge.
“Ty?” Dane’s voice drifted into the room. I’d been so lost in thought that I hadn’t even heard him come home. He looked sexy in his fatigues, that was what I always thought when I saw him in his camo work clothes, but today it was followed by the familiar sticky monster that wondered who else thought he was sexy.
“Who’s going with you?” I growled, holding up the invitation as I looked at him.
“It’s work, I’m going with another co-worker,” He said evenly as he pulled his fatigues off dropping the dirty clothes in the hamper. His tan skin was bared, the muscles flexing as he pulled his undershirt showing the sharp valley of his abdomen, each muscle carved from his body from years of training. I swallowed the possessive creature trying to poison my mind, take over my body and soul as I watched him.
“Some woman?” I snapped, my nostrils flaring. I moved off the bed tracking him towards the master bathroom where he’d retreated.
“I told you a co-worker, we both have to go so it is convenient.” Dane turned on the shower still in his camo pants and issued lace-ups, look every bit the sexy soldier.
“Fuck convenient, she’ll think it means more. You only go to those events with—” with the people you sleep with, a lover, a girlfriend, a wife. It wasn’t even my gender that was the problem here, it was who I was to Dane.
Dane didn’t look at me as he sat down on the closed toilet to remove his boots, “You know I’m not sleeping with her, Ty.”
“Do I? Maybe you’re seeing someone, making a connection so you can forget what you feel for me,” I couldn’t hold it in, not after weeks of it boiling inside of me.
Dane pulled off his boots and socks and stood up squaring off with me grey eyes simmering as he walked me into the bathroom vanity. The heat of his chest pressed against mine seeping through my shirt. My body heated and my heart pumped harder heating my blood as it flowed into every part of my blood. He locked me there his hands on either side of my hips, caging me against him. “I doubt anything in this entire world could erase what I feel for you Ty, but that’s my prison, not yours. Now get out so I can shower.” He stepped back and walked towards the glass shower pulling his pants down over his hips to bare the round globes of his ass.
Pushing away from the vanity I wrapped my arm across his chest pulling his body back into mine. My erection slotted against his ass, my head laying in the juncture of his shoulder perfectly as I dragged my lips across the column of his neck. The taste of him pulled a growl out of me and I didn’t stop the thrust of my hips as I ground into him. “I want to go, take me instead, please Dane.” I trailed my hand down his abdomen freely feeling the warm skin and the goosebumps that followed right behind my touch.
“I can’t,” He shook his head even as his hand reached up behind to grip me closer to him. “I fucking can’t, Ty. You need to stop.” There was a rough desperation in his voice that I couldn’t understand. He was torturing both of us for no reason, the only thing holding him back was how society could view us. I was old enough and he damn well knew it.
“I can’t stop, you’re mine.” I pressed my nose into the base of his neck inhaling his scent even as I rotate my hips against him more. I wanted his bare skin, to feel him against me with nothing between us, to have no barriers between us.
“No,” Dane pulled away breaking my hold easily but not facing me as he did. “I can’t take you to the ball, nothing has changed, Ty. Now get out.” He didn’t look over his shoulder as he got into the shower and shut the steam covered door. I stood there staring at the shower feeling the desperation and anger building up to a fever pitch. I did leave, walking out of his room with so many conflicting emotions I thought I might explode from the toxic pain of it all.
May 20th 2017
The doorbell rang and I stared at the door like it might actually become the gate to hell. The person on the other side was no doubt a demon in my mind. I’d spent the last week festering about this day. I knew subconsciously that I couldn’t go, I was too young and everyone knew I was Dane’s adopted son. It didn’t matter we only had twelve years between us, and it didn’t matter that I wanted him with every fiber of my being. Nothing matter, only that I was his son on paper and that I had no right to feel the way I did and that Dane would be demonized for feeling the way he did about me.
I ground my teeth as the doorbell rang again, my manners pushed off the couch even though the black beast breeding inside of me told me to stay put. Dane wasn’t down yet from putting his dress blues on so it would have to be me to answer the door for his date. His date who had to come to our house because it was on the way and made sense to come here instead of Dane going to her.
I opened the door and saw the auburn-haired woman standing there with her finger out to press the doorbell again, her eyes wide as she took me in. She was pretty, in a doe-eyed simple way, but there was no doubt that she was someone men would want to date. Her slim form was covered in a beautiful black dress that showed off her thin frame and long neck. She smiled tentatively as her hand stretched out towards me. “Hello, you must be Ty. Dane has told me so much about you. My names Lauren, but everyone just calls me Sissy.”
I wanted to be petulant like I’d been with Caitlyn but I couldn’t when I saw the timid smile on the slender woman's face. Sissy was most definitely not like Caitlyn, there was something almost innocent about her that made me feel even more afraid, but less angry. I took her hand and shook it lightly but didn’t look her in the eyes as I did. “Hey,” was all I could get out before I dropped her hand and opened the door wider. “Come inside, Dane’s almost ready.” I turned to let her follow me inside going back to the couch where I’d been sitting before.
Sissy followed me in and came into the living room sitting across from me on the love seat as she looked around the beautiful house. “Wow, this house is amazing.”
“It was Dane’s parent’s,” I said, not looking up at her as I lifted my book up.
“Oh, did they pass away?” She asked gently. “My own parent’s passed away a few years ago.”
“Yeah, car accident, we don’t like to talk about it so don’t bring it up,” I bit out the last part trying to keep the anger out. It wasn’t her fault, she’d asked a simple question. “Sorry,” I muttered.
Sissy shrugged her bare shoulders, “It’s ok, I know how much it can hurt to lose them. I’m sorry for your loss,” She looked up the staircase her brown eyes curious. “Where is that man? We’re going to be late.”
I got up from the couch already seeing a way out of the awkward small talk she would keep trying to make with me. “I’ll go check on him,” I said as I ascended the stairs. Upstairs I walked to Dane’s bedroom, the doors closed. I didn’t knock as I walked in, I never did. Dane was lacing up his dress shoes and didn’t look up as I came in. “She’s here,” I said evenly, not feeling as cool as I acted.
Dane nodded but didn’t look up. “I’m almost done, one of my laces snapped.” He finished tying his shoe quickly before standing up to face me. “Ty?”
I didn’t look at him, “She’s pretty, definitely not a huge black boy.” My lips pressed tight as I thought about what I was missing tonight. She’d be on his arm, introduced as the woman in his life. He’d be hers because I couldn’t be. My mind buzzed as I thought about what I’d planned to do tonight. I had no intention of staying home dwelling over what Dane was doing. I’d find my own night out, my own distraction.
“Ty,” Dane sighed, “I’m not sleeping with her.”
“Not yet, but that’s not what you need is it Dane?” I snapped suddenly at my limit. I leveled him with my green gaze. “You need a connection, love, and that’s exactly what your trying to fucking build with her. Trying to cover up what you feel for me, well fuck you.” I growled.
“We aren’t talking about this tonight.” He said lowly as he started walking past me.
My anger mounted and the acidic words built up in my throat again spilling out, a spew of toxic waste. “You can fuck me out of your system, so you’ll try to fall in love with anyone that’s easy?”
Dane stopped dead in his tracks stiff his hand on the bedroom doorknob. “I’m not going to fight with you about it, Ty. Drop it, I cannot be your lover— ” no matter how much he wanted to be, that’s what went unsaid between us. What we both knew.
I ground my teeth, my fists clenched tightly at my sides. “You might not be able to fuck it out of your system but I sure as hell can.”
That got his attention, his grey eyes narrowed as he looked at me. “What is that supposed to mean, Ty?”
“It means that I’m going out tonight too,” and you can’t fucking stop me.
“No, you aren’t,” His tone was deadly, even and low only like I’d heard a few times in the past.
“You’ve told me to move on, forget you, forget Seth. That’s exactly what I’m doing.”
“That’s not what I fucking said,” Dane barked angrily.
“Yes it is,” and I felt it every day that you ignore me, and I felt it tonight opening the door to the woman downstairs. “Your dates waiting downstairs.”
“Give me your keys,” Dane said ignoring my comment.
“I said give me your keys, you’re not going anywhere tonight.” His white-gloved hand stretched out, his jaw set in a hard line as he waited.
“Whatever,” I dug them out of my pocket and laid them in his hand definitely.
Without warning, Dane grabbed my chin in his other hand forcing me to look straight in his hard grey eyes. “Do not leave this house, do you understand me, Ty.” It wasn’t a question, it was a command.
“Fine,” I said already feeling the spoiled guilt in my gut because I knew I was lying. I never lied to him but I wasn’t about to stay in this house tonight, I couldn’t.
Dane let go of my chin, his hand settling over my throat for a moment his thumb settling over the pulsing vein in my neck as he did. “I mean it, Ty.” He pulled his hand away and stepped back out the bedroom doors and downstairs. I followed behind him and stopped at the top of the stairs where I sat down watching as he placed a demure kiss on Sissy’s cheek, but I caught the red flush of her cheeks as he did it. She may be innocent but she still wanted what was mine.
As they walked towards the front door Dane looked up at me, his gray eyes heated a silent command in them that I could read. They walked out of the house with Sissy chatting constantly the sound of the front door cutting off the soft lull of her voice. I waited to hear the sound of Dane’s truck leave the driveway before I pulled out my cell phone. I pulled up the Uber app, the brick of guilt settling in my gut as I order a right to the house.