The Uber was there in twenty minutes. I already had an idea of where I wanted to go, but it was settled by the time my ass was in the Toyota Camry back seat. “Damn, bro you’re huge!” The driver eyed me cautiously and I nodded a hello and told him where I wanted to go. Roosters, downtown colorado springs. He didn’t question me just started driving down the road. Sometimes there were benefits to being bigger and tonight it would be the reason everyone thought I was well over the age of twenty-one.
“So you gay? Not that I have a problem with gays man,” He added hastily, his skinny face looking at me through the rearview mirror as he turned onto the main road.
“I like guys more, girls are too small,” and that was mostly an honest answer, but I really hadn’t had eyes for more than Dane since I was thirteen, not until Seth. I watched as the houses slowly turned into businesses as we got further away from the suburban areas.
“Well I’m a skinny ass dude so girls are perfect for me, but I guess you right about them being too small for you. You’re a huge ass mofo you’d crush most of them!” He cackled at his own terrible sense of humor.
I ignored his random chatting as he drove closer to the city. Drowning him out I thought about Dane and Sissy at the Ball and I couldn’t help but compare myself to Cinderella if she were a six foot six black boy with emotional dependencies. It took the driver about forty-five minutes to get to the bar and by then it was ten. The club was lit up with lights streaming out of it and loud music pounding as people moved in time to the music through the windows.
“Here we are,” the driver said way to enthusiastically.
“Thanks,” I handed him over a twenty and got out of the car and onto the sidewalk where a few people were milling about. I didn’t hesitate to walk into the club where I was surrounded by the bright lights and thumping beat. It was powerful the sight and sound of bodies pressed together on the dance floor, various men writhed in a state of bliss grinding against each other in time to the beat. My own cock twitched in my pants as I watched the sensual movement of topless men dance.
“Hey there big man,” a soft voice followed by a soft hand on my arm came from behind me. I looked over my shoulder to see the dark haired man whose hand was on my lower arm. “What’s your name?”
He was stout, about six foot one with dark brown hair and pale skin and soft features that for some reason reminded me of Seth even though they were very different. Maybe it was his large brown eyes that seemed so large on his face? “Ty,” I said over the pounding music.
“Jake, nice to meet you, Ty. You want a drink?” He smiled showing off straight white teeth. I wanted to tell him no, I wanted to tell him I wasn’t interested— but what would be the point in coming here if I didn’t actually do anything? I wanted to erase the stain of desperation starting to cloud my life. Dane was right I couldn’t make him my entire world, and I didn’t have Seth anymore to find what I so desperately craved.
“Yeah I’ll have a drink,” I didn’t care what he got me, I’d drink it.
The man smirked and guided me towards the bar with a strong grip on my wrist. I didn’t shake him off as he brought us up to the wood bar top and leaned over it to talk to the older bartender asking for some unknown mix of alcohol. I didn’t really pay attention to what he ordered, I looked back around the club and noticed a few pairs of eyes on me, tracking me like vultures for the dead scraps. It was abrasive against my skin so I turned back to the bar where Jake was holding out a drink to me. I took it the amber liquid reflecting the bright lights in the club. I didn’t ask what it was as I took a mouth full of it and swallowed. The taste of hot and sweet at the same time, burning as it went down. It was different, but the taste wasn’t bad and I had to admit whatever it was something I could definitely come to like. “What is it?” I asked.
Jake smiled brown eyes gleaming even as he pressed close to my side. “Jack and coke, you’ve never had it before?” He asked skeptically.
I shrugged. “I don’t drink,” it wasn’t any of his damn business past that. “Thanks for the drink.”
“Tell me, big man,” Jake pressed closer to my side, the bulge in his pants pressing into me as he spoke, “what are you looking for?”
I held back the instinct to peel him off of me. I didn’t like to be touched, that wasn’t something that changed apparently even if it was blatantly sexual contact. I stepped back from him as I took another swallow of my drink trying to settle some of the nerves in my gut. “To forget,” about Dane at that stupid ball, pretending I wasn’t the one he loved. I swallowed the last of the alcohol from the glass before setting it back on the bar.
Jake chuckled as he settled a wandering hand over my arm, “want another one?” He asked even as he was already ordering another one from the bartender. I didn’t refuse the glass when he handed it to me. The warm buzz of the alcohol was already starting to settle into my mind and it was so much better than the burn of jealousy and pain I’d been submerged in for the last two months.
Jake pressed close to my side and this time I didn’t try to step away. What was the point? I was here for this, wasn’t I? To feel something easy, to forget about my dead love and Dane.
May 21st, 2017
The music flowed over me like water, soaking into my skin beating with my heart. The room spun as the colors around, bright and reflecting off all the bodies tangled together in time to the same beat I was dancing to. Hands traced up my sides and over my naked chest down to my abdomen. When had I taken my shirt off? The thought was fleeting as the touches seemed to seep deep into my skin blurring everything else around me as they were amplified.
I didn’t remember anything but the music, the bright lights and the touches of the man in front of me. What was his name? Jack? I didn’t remember I didn’t care. He turned and I ground my hips into him as someone behind me kissed and stroked as they pressed close to me. It was unlike anything I’d ever felt before and I didn’t want to come out of the euphoric state.
“You feeling it yet baby?” The man smiled over his shoulder at me, “That high is like nothing else isn’t it? The first time is the best.” J-jake his name was Jake, said as he turned to face me pressing his body as close as physically possible. The lights played across his face making it hard to focus on one feature. His hand skimmed over my cheek as his hips swayed to the music pulling mine along with him. His touch sank into my skin that was so extremely sensitive I thought I might fly apart. “You like that? How about more?” He purred as he leaned forward and covered his mouth with his. I couldn’t focus on anything except the need to touch and be touch, to feel the connection I craved so desperately. The lights flashed white, so bright I couldn’t see anything for a split second, the loud pounding of the music drowns out the entire world and without warning, I was being pulled down into my worst memory.
The blaring horn and Seth’s wide brown eyes were all I could see and suddenly and I couldn’t breathe as I shoved Jake off of me. What the hell? I looked around the bright beaming lights and pounding music, claustrophobic in a way I hadn’t ever been in my entire life.
“What the hell was that?” Jake shouted over the music, an irritated frown contorting his face. I shook my head, chest constricting I looked past him for the exit. I needed to get out of here, I needed to get away from the lights, I needed— A hard hand grabbed my wrist and pulled me back into a solid familiar body.
“What the fuck are you doing!” Dane growled over the music, his face set into a furious mask. “Where is your shirt? What is wrong with you, Ty?” His voice was deadly as he pulled me back away from the dance floor. I moved to follow him, happy to see him no matter how angry he was at me. I needed him and I couldn’t forget that without forgetting everything. I lurched suddenly when my other wrist was grabbed pulling me back towards the dance floor. Over my shoulder, I saw Jake holding onto me with a nasty frown on his face as he looked at Dane.
“What the fuck, go away cock block!” He shouted over the roaring music.
“Let him go now,” Dane said lowly, the flex of his jaw a warning that he was close to losing what little patience he had.
“Go find your own, man. I’ve already shared my X with him, he’s mine for tonight.” Jake shouted over the music.
My mind raced and I tried to understand what he’d just said. X, what was he even talking about? What the fuck was even going on? Why was Dane here? Why wasn’t he in his dress blues anymore?
Dane snarled dangerously, a sound I’d only heard that night with coach Abbott right before he — He decked Jake across the face sending the smaller man to the dance floor in a graceless heap. “Piece of shit,” Dane growled. Jake looked up from the dance floor, blood gushed from his nose as people began to notice the commotion in the center of the dance floor making space around us.
“What the fuck!” Jake shouted, holding his nose back as more blood spilled down his lip.
“Let’s go, Ty.” Dane grabbed my wrist again and pulled me off the dance floor and through the crowd. I didn’t resist, I followed him out of the booming music and strobe lights into the cool quiet night his grip burning into the skin around my wrist as we walked towards the truck. The music became dull and the lights were left inside leaving me physically aware of how extremely high I probably was.
“Dane, how are you here?” He didn’t know where I was, how could he? I’d left the house, I remembered that. Fuck, I couldn’t think past the pulse in my dick, or the tight burning grip of his hand, or his scent. “Dane,” I moaned as I wrapped my arms around him holding him tight as I laid open mouth kisses along the flesh of his neck. “Please, love me.” Dane pulled back and I realized randomly that he wasn’t in his formal uniform from the ball earlier tonight. Had he kissed her? Did he dance with her like I dreamed of doing? Did he introduce her as his girlfriend? My body vibrated with the pent-up energy spiraling and pinching every organ inside of me. Dane grabbed my head in a hard grip and he stared into my eyes. “How much did you drink? Did that shit give you X in your drink or did you take it?”
“X? I just had drinks,” I slurred as I thought about the four drinks I’d had in the first two hours. Had it only been four?
“No, you had drugs in your drink. Why the hell did you come here, Ty? What were you thinking!” He growled as he pulled me towards his truck and all but threw me into the cab of the truck. “I'm so pissed off with you right now,” Dane said as he shut the passenger side door and walked around the ruck to get into the driver side. I didn’t understand why he was so angry, how could he be so angry when the lights were so bright and his touch burned hotter than ever? I wanted him, I always wanted him and he wanted me too.
“I’m pissed at you, you want me but you push me away,” the truth was like a bright beacon in the truck cab, something I could hold onto so I would float away.
Dane sneered, “Yes Ty, I do want you, but I’m not a fucking seventeen-year-old boy, I’m fucking thirty years old and I’m your legal guardian.” He tightened his hand on the steering wheel, “I could lose you, Ty! Don’t you get that! They could take you away from me!”
“What do you fucking care?” I shouted some of the emotions warped by alcohol and drugs becoming more intense just like the sounds and lights around me. “You’ve barely fucking spoke to me since that night! Who are you more ashamed of Dane, me or yourself?” I slammed my hand against the truck dash wanting to hit something so much harder.
He didn’t say anything in response as he drove through downtown Colorado Springs and back towards home. I couldn’t focus on anything long enough to realize how much time had passed. Every part of my body was hyper-aware of the truck seat beneath me and the warmth of the man beside me. It didn’t matter that he was pissed only that he was close enough for me to touch. I was watching the bright lights of the street lights swirl past every few seconds when they were suddenly gone and the truck was no longer moving.
Dane put the truck in park pulling me out of the dazed state I’d fallen into. He leaned back into his seat, his wide shoulders tense as he closed his eyes. “I’m not ashamed of either of us,” he looked at me with his strong gaze, cutting through some of the drug-induced haze. He sighed as he got out of the truck and closed the driver side door just a little harder than he normally would as he walked around to my side of the truck. I didn’t expect him to help me out, I hadn’t realized I’d needed his help getting out. The moment my feet hit the pavement it was obvious I was shit faced, or high, I couldn’t remember because the heat and weight of Dane’s arm around my waist was enough to make me moan. Everything was so intense and I could barely take the amazing sensation as he helped me walk up the front steps and into the house. Dane pulled me towards the stairs helping me up them one step at a time, grunting under my weight but otherwise staying silent. At the top, he turned us towards my bedroom but I dug my feet into the floor already refusing to go to my own room. I didn’t want to be alone in my own room knowing he was just one room over.
“No, I want to sleep with you,” I rumbled deeply, clutching him to me no longer supporting my weight on him.
“You can’t sleep with me while you’re on ecstasy, Ty.” He growled dragging me a few feet closer to my room.
“Please, don’t make me sleep alone,” a small slice of desperation lined my voice as the drugs reminded me of my vulnerability. I wouldn’t be able to escape alone into the dark without any lights or sound to drown out the memories.
Dane stood still for a second not looking at me as he thought what he wanted to do. It was only a few minutes but it was enough to make his touch become the only thing I could focus on, I was centered on the single point of contact sinking into the touch like a lifeline till—
“Crap Ty, wake up,” He shook me till I was aware of my surroundings again and the strong scent of his skin so close to my face. “Come on,” he walked me towards the master suite pulling me into the room as I stumbled beside him feeling the last bit of energy seep out of my muscles. He deposited me onto the large bed and took off my shoes and dropped them onto the floor before pulling my pants off leaving me in my boxers. I groaned as the air touched even more sensitive flesh making me that much more aroused leaving me laying in bed with my tented boxers.
“I’d let you fuck me.” I slurred pulling his pillow to my face so I could drown in his familiar scent. “I want you to.”
“It’s not about sex for me, Ty,” he said evenly as he pulled his own clothes off throwing his shirt and pants into the hamper. “I don’t need sex, I never have.”
“But you want it with me,” because I wanted it from him, I wanted everything with him. Our entire lives entwined together.
Dane sighed roughly as he walked over to the bed where I was still sprawled out haphazardly. Leaning down he grabbed the back of my head to look straight into my eyes. I forced them to stay open even as the urge to close them began to tempt me, the soft surface of the bed luring me into sleep. “I love you, but you’re a pain sometimes,” he said and then he brushed his lips across mine. Surprised I didn’t have time to take more as the soft trace of his lips ghosted over mine and was gone a second later. Groaning raggedly I grabbed the back of his head holding him there even if I couldn’t force him back down for another kiss, I didn't want him to pull away.
“Go to sleep, Ty.” He murmured as he ran his hand soothingly over the back of my head, “I’m not going anywhere.”
He wasn’t going anywhere, I knew he was telling the truth when the bed dipped and I felt him get in beside me. The strange fog in my mind made it hard to think, but with him laying beside me, my mind started to ease floating off towards sleep. It was in the last few seconds of wakefulness that he pulled me into his body as he wrapped his arms around, me holding me close.
May 21st, 2017
I woke up with the distinct feeling that I should go back to sleep. At first, it was just a feeling in my gut, but the more I came to the more I started to remember about last night and I really didn’t want to wake up just yet. Groaning irritably I curled closer to Dane’s side, pressing my face into his shoulder begging my body to go back to sleep. I didn’t want to get up to face my problems. I sure as hell didn’t want to get out of Dane’s bed.
“I know you’re awake,” Dane said close to my ear his stubble scratching across the side of my face. “We need to talk.”
“I know I fucked up, I’m sorry,” I muttered against his bare skin not opening my eyes. I knew what I’d see if I did and I wasn’t ready to face the hard disappointed stare he’d give me.
“Yeah, you did and we need to talk about it. Now lift your head and look me in the eye when you apologize,” He growled.
A shiver raced through me as I did as he told me. Lifting my head off his chest I met his eyes without wavering. I didn’t want to look away from him, even with the hard disapproving stare boring into me, but under it there was his love and worry lining his beautiful grey eyes. He was beautiful, so much so that I wanted to touch the corner of his mouth to ease the hard lines that were forming there — because of me. “I’m sorry,” I said pressing my forehead against his, our familiar exchange expressing my true sincerity. He sighed, grasping the back of my head as he held me still, breathing deeply as he either chased away the remnants of his anger or his fear, I didn’t know. It didn’t matter, I’d caused them both and I’d known that I would, but a part of me was happy that he’d cared to find me—
“You scared the shit out of me,” he rumbled while he creased my cheek, still holding us together. “What were you thinking, Ty?” This time it came out as a low growl as he gripped the back of my head tighter holding me so tight I didn’t think he’d ever let me go. I didn’t want him to, I never wanted him to let me go, but I pulled away and he let me go easily as I sat up in bed looking straight ahead.
“I was thinking that it wasn’t fair. Last night you went with her to that ball and you were hers, not mine. You don’t want to love me, and it fucking hurts, Dane.” I ground my teeth and fisted the duvet as I spoke, keeping in the torrent of emotions threatening to break free. “After losing Seth—” I pause taking in a steady breath before I continued, “I realized I don’t want to live a lie, I don’t want to settle for less than what I want. I’ll never get him back, but I still have you and I don’t want to pretend I don’t want you, that I don’t love you.”
“Ty, look at me,” he said after a few minutes of silence. I wanted to, but I didn’t think I could take more rejection on top of a pounding headache I had. “Ty,” Dane said again, expecting me to do as he asked. So I did. I focused on his handsome face, the same one I’d become so familiar with through my teenage years. The anger was still there under the surface I could see it in the hard press of his lips and the dark color of his eyes, but there were more emotions mixed into that expression. Dane sat up next to me not touching me, exposing his muscular chest so it was in full view. “I met Sissy at an asexual group meeting that I attended.”
I sneered. Like it mattered where he met her or why. “So she’s asexual, like that matters. So it’s ok to have a relationship with someone else as long as it’s not with me.”
“No, Ty. Damn it but you are so stubborn. I raised you to be better than this I know I did. All you are seeing is one side to all of this.” Dane barked, the anger starting to take over his face again.
“Well if you’d actually talk to me about any of it then we could get somewhere. I can’t talk to anyone about this, not really. I can tell Corbin how I feel, but I can’t tell him that I know you want me back. All I know is my fucking side because you won’t tell me shit!”
Dane huffed and got out of bed. I thought he was going to walk out of the room, leave the conversation, but instead, he paced the front of the bed in just his boxers pulling at his hair as he did. “It’s wrong, Ty. The way I love you is wrong.”
Anger roiled in my gut my headache pulsing in time to my drumming heartbeat. “Wrong? You thinking loving me is fucking wrong?” It hurt more than anything, but I hid it under my anger.
Dane stopped pacing, maybe hearing the devastation in my voice under all the anger. He was the only person other than Seth that had that power over me, that I’d been able to give that to. He shook his head as some of the tension drained out of his shoulders. “No Ty,” he said as he slowly approached the bed again reaching out for me. I grabbed his outstretched hand and pulled him down onto the bed needing to feel him close, so he couldn’t run. He grunted as he fell down beside me and I pulled him forcefully against me, caging him in as best I could. Dane chuckled wrapping his own arms around my waist till we were locked together holding one another so the other couldn’t get away.
“I know you don’t understand, but I can’t be with you until you are my equal,” Dane brushed his hand over my tense spine, trying to ease the panic inside of me he could feel building up. “When you’re eighteen, if you still want to be together, then we will.”
Ten months. My heart spiked as pure adrenaline coursed through me. “Together?” Could he mean something different than me?
Dane nodded. “Together.”
I couldn’t help it. I crushed my mouth to his. Dane growled but didn’t pull away as I licked an nipped at the seam of his lips begging him to let me taste him. He didn’t, instead, he pulled away while still staying in the embrace. “We can’t do this anymore, not till you turn eighteen. That’s the deal, Ty.”
“And until then?” I had to ask. I knew he would most likely not be with anyone sexually, I didn’t think he’d been with anyone since I’d known him, not even the bitch Caitlyn. It didn’t mean he wouldn’t become attached to someone like Sissy, and make a relationship with another person. Ten months felt like an eternity when it was something so important on the line.
“Until then, you focus on school and going to college. Find some friends, do things that teenagers do, but don’t ever do what you did last night again, Ty. When you're older if you want to go to a club I’ll take you, do you understand me.” The last part he said with a hard demanding tone that had no room for argument. I didn’t want to argue about it, the prospect of going out with him, dancing with him in public as mine— that was so much better than what I did last night.
“I won’t, I promise.” I meant it. “But promise me you won’t date. I know you won’t have sex, but it’s more than that to me. I need to know that you’re mine, that you only love me that way.” because it was so important especially for Dane. Sexuality and love were one thing to Dane, without it he wouldn’t feel sexual attraction. To imagine that he would have that level of connection with anyone else was worse than if he had a one night stand with some stranger just to get off.
“Ty, I’ve only ever been with one other person. I’m not looking for a relationship,”
“What about Sissy?” I asked.
“I told you I met her at an ace group meeting. I asked her if she would be willing to go with me because I didn’t want anything complicated if I took someone else. She was kind enough to agree. She’s a friend, Ty.”
Relief made my headache ease a little. “Does that mean I can’t sleep with you?” I hope it didn’t because the last few months had been torture. I’d grown accustomed to feeling him next to me, and him holding me.
Dane’s brow furrowed as if he was thinking how he should answer that. It was rare for Dane not to know exactly how he was going to answer something. “Only two nights a week, and only sleep, nothing else, Ty.”
“Three?” Please? I left the plea out but I begged him with my eyes. If I could have three nights a week of pure sleep then it wouldn’t be the longest ten months.
Dane sighed reluctantly. “Three, but no sex, Ty, of any kind.”
I nodded, “ok.” I could agree to that, but there was no doubt in my mind that the next ten months were going to be hard, literally and physically.