There are times in my life that I wonder why I was ever born. I remember the abuse of my mother and what she let them do to me-- I think about the day I lost Mark and Jane-- and then, Seth. My whole life has been an accumulation of lose and pain since I was born, but somehow it was all worth it if I could just stay with Dane. Fuck everyone else in the world, and every other broken soul. I wanted to be selfish, I wanted to keep him with me forever no matter what it cost me. The problem was, it didn't cost me, it was Dane who would lose being with me. I think even back then I realized that, and that's what made it all so unbearable. I would have sacrificed anything I had, but I couldn't ask him to do that, not if I really loved him. No amount of anger could ever replace the pain in my life, and no amount of love could make it go away. It was a burden I had to learn to carry, to share, and I don't think I would have ever figured that out without Dane.
December 17th 2017
I stared into my locker, looking but not seeing the stacks of books inside. It was hard to think. I hadn’t been sleeping since he told me. It had been over a month and I’d barely spoken to him. Part of me was so fucking angry at him I couldn’t bring myself to look at him, not after finding out everything he’d promised me was a goddamn lie.
An unconscious growl escaped me as I slammed my locker shut, not even bothering to get the books I’d been looking for. The pulsing behind my left eyes continued, and the drowsiness from lack of sleep was starting to catch up to me. What did it fucking matter? Why should I work hard to keep up in classes? It wasn’t like I was going to get what I really desired most. Sure, I’d get into some big college and get a career doing who fucking cares day in and day out, alone. Because I was fucking done. I was done trying to invest what was left of my soul into any corporal being. There was nothing left for me to invest, every piece of my being was torn piece by piece till there wasn’t anything left for me to give.
As the locker door rebounded something fluttered free from inside and down to my feet where it rested across my toes. Leaning down I picked up the photograph, beautiful strong grey eyes stared back at me.
Dane had his arm wrapped around my shoulder in the selfie I took, a slight smirk tilting the corner of his mouth while I was looking straight at him grinning like a dopey ass idiot. I remembered that day. It had been when Dane and I went to fair two months ago. It had been one of the best nights of my life and a memory I visited constantly in the past few months.
I loved the fair. The bright lights and smells of fried food filled the air making my mouth water just thinking about all the shit I was going to get to eat. Dane was a stickler for eating healthy most the time and I had to agree with him, but when it came to pancakes once a week and fair food he was just as weak as me.
“You’re eyes are about to pop out of your head,” he said with a knowing smirk.
I snorted, “Don’t act like you’re not dreaming about funnel cake, I know your weaknesses.” I shoved into him, making him stagger a step. I was about two inches taller than his 6’5 frame and I was hoping at this point that I was maxed out, because I was really starting to thinking I might end up being the next Godzilla if I kept growing. People were constantly looking at us as we walked, mummurring about how tall we were. Well, that and girls and women alike were staring at Dane’s beautiful body.
Dane chuckled, “I don’t know what you’re talking about, I have no weaknesses.” His grey eyes glinted with humor as he looked at me before leading the way to the nearest food vendor selling none other than steaming fresh funnel cakes.
“Liar,” I said letting the joy of the moment really sink in. I imagined, this was what our life would be like once we were really together. Maybe I’d be able to hold his hand in public, or kiss him on the cheek… the possibilities started streaming through my head endlessly making me wish for the day that I could openly touch him the way I wanted to.
“One funnel cake, please,” Dane said to the venor, a man with a big handlebar mustache and the reddest cheeks I’d ever seen in my life. He looked like a live version of Chef Boyardee from the canned labels. All he was missing was the chef’s hat. The vendor got the funnel cake, steaming and fresh, piled high with powdered sugar and handed it over to Dane one a cheap paper plate. He passed it over to me and paid the man before walking off towards the set of tables set away from the rides and vendors.
It wasn’t overly crowded and it was easy enough to find a table off to the side where me and Dane could sit side by side where no one would bother us. I laid the plate down between us excited to get my first bite of pure sugar comma. I tore a piece off, powdered sugar falling everywhere as I put it into my mouth. Moaning happily I watched as Dane took a bite as well, just as effectively getting white sugar all over his hands and face.
Dane’s impeccable ability to be a neat freak was ruined by the messy food and I couldn’t hold in the snort of laughter when he tried so hard to keep the sugar from falling everywhere. “You might as well give up,” I said tearing off another delicious but messy bite.
“I seriously hate these things,” he grumbled, even as he went for another piece.
“Well if you don’t like it I can always eat it,” I said while pulling the plate closer to me.
Dane smirked, leaning in close his grey eyes mischievous. Entranced, I didn’t move as he got closer than he normally would, there was a playfulness that I’d forgotten since I’d confessed how I felt about him, like he was always walking on eggshells around me. Sucking in a deep breath I leaned in towards him unconsciously ready to meet him halfway. Without warning his hand smeared across my cheek, still sticky and covered in white powdered sugar.
“Awww come on, D,” I grumbled as I started wiping at the white fingerprints all over my dark face.
“That’s what you get for hogging all the sweets,” he said while pulling the plate back towards him and taking another piece.
“That’s funny coming from you, you’re always taking stuff off my plate.” I reminded him while also pulling off another piece of funnel cake.
Dane snorted a smile forming at the corner of his mouth, “Yeah, I started doing that to get you to eat more in the beginning. You always ate more of your food when I started snagging some.” He chuckled, “It may have become a habit after awhile.”
I stared at him for a second unaware that I’d stopped mid chew to look at him. Had I not been eating after Jane and Marks death? I never noticed that I hadn’t been eating enough, and I hadn’t noticed that Dane taking my food made me eat more. “I had to eat everything or you’d take all the good pieces,” I laughed.
We sat there and enjoyed the last of the funnel cake before cleaning up our mess and walking back out towards the bright rides. We walked around talking about everything and anything while getting on some of the rides. I took in every moment, imprinting it onto my memory so that I wouldn’t lose any details. This was one of the nights I wanted to remember years from now when me and Dane were more than just adopted son and adopted father.
We stopped in front of the large ferris wheel, the bright lights blinking and changing in patterns as it slowly rotated. Music poured out from the speakers playing various top hits as people enjoyed the scenic ride. “Want to get on?” I asked, a part of be having a romantic notion in my head similar to so many movies I’d seen in the past. I’d never ridden a ferris wheel before and I wanted to with Dane. That would be a memory I would always have between us, something special.
“Yeah,” Dane said.
We got in line and it didn’t take long before we were sitting in the chair side by side, the metal bar being secured over our laps. Slowly the ride started it’s ascent into the sky bringing us up into the night sky where the colorado mountains could be seen in the distance. The ride stopped with us at the top, the sounds of the fair distant from our place in the sky. The sound of music drifted up towards us, the familiar song by Eric Church ‘Love Your Love The Most’ started to play from the stereo below.
“Hell yes I love my truck, but I want you to know” Dane said, in time with the lyrics of the song. “Honey I love your love the most.” His grey eyes locked with mine searching before he leaned forward and I followed without hesitation knowing instinctively what he was doing. I laid my forehead against his the world drifting away as the moment became one I would never forget. Right then, we were the only two people in the world, there were no boundaries or barriers, there was nothing between us but our mixed breathes and the love we felt for each other. If I could choose one moment to stay in for eternity it would be that one.
Dane rested his hand on the back of my neck holding me steady, a small tremble worked its way through my body. I didn’t want this moment to end, I didn’t want to go back to being what we were.
“Honey I love your love, yeah I love your love,” Dane said softly in time to the music, his deep voice rumbling through us both as he sang. “I love your love, the most.”
I closed my eyes, squeezing in the overwhelming emotions that wanted to burst out of me. The last few notes of the song faded and Dane pulled away just as the ferris wheel started to move again bringing us back down to the ground and reality. I opened my eyes, Dane’s grey gaze was looking at me fondly and I saw in that look the same thing that lived inside of me. Dane was mine, and nothing on this earth was going to change that.
“Got a sugar daddy, fag?” a familiar voice quipped from behind me, snapping me out of the memory.
I ignored Chris, and opened my now dented locker door to put the photo back inside. A cool numb feeling started building inside of me, as frigid as the metal door I held. I attached the magnet back to the top to keep it hanging next to the other photos I had of me and Seth.
“You hear me, Huntsman?” Others students mummurred loudly as they stood and watched from there safe distance. None of them came to my defense, and I didn’t expect anyone too. I could take care of myself. My fists tightened on my locker door as the hot coil of rage started to build up inside of me. Who the fuck did he think he was? Did he think I would let him bully me like he did Seth all those years?
Chris’s hand slammed into my locker door, forcing it shut, nearly catching the fingers of my drawing hand in the process. People gasped as the sound of metal slamming seemed to echo in the quiet hall. Growling I rounded on the fucker behind me not even thinking as I ball up my fist and took my first swing into his gut. “I know you were the one who sliced my tires last year, I’m going to beat your fag ass and show everyone what a weak fairy you are.”
One hard punch to his gut, that’s how it started, followed by his fist connecting with the side of my head. I didn’t pause as I pushed him backward into the other lockers slamming his head back into the metal. Some girls screamed while other students chanted like barbaric animals as me and the asshole fought in the middle of the school hallway.
Another fist hit me in the side of the head in rapid succession, but I blocked like Dane had taught me on the third attempt. Baring my teeth I let my elbow down into the side of his throat as he pushed me backwards forcing him away from the lockers.
“Fucking Faggot!!” He shouted pushing me back and into the scattering crowd.
Digging my feet into the linoleum floor I barrelled into his center and sent him toppling to the ground. My fist swung and I caught him in the jaw just as we rolled around on the floor.
“Holy shit! Get them apart! Someone help!” Someone shouted.
A knee to my gut, a punch to the side of his head— my lungs burned, but the physical pain was dulled by the thick burn of adrenaline and anger that stoked my rage. I rolled again, this time getting on top and holding him down with one arm to the throat as I brought my other fist down into his face. He struggled and kicked up, but I was heavier, his efforts unable to dislodge me. I was going to beat the shit out of him, leave him a bloody pool on the floor, I pulled my arm back to hit him again, only to have my arm caught my various hands. I was pulled away from Chris by at least two male teachers.
I sat outside the principal's office staring down at my hands which were split in various places where I’d decked Chris across the face. Granted my cheek was swollen and my gut ached from where he’d kicked me, so he’d also got in a few good hits. I looked up to see Chris glaring at me from the other side of the hallway where he sat, his swollen eye not as dramatic as I thought it had been. If they hadn’t pulled us apart when they had I’m sure there would have been a lot more damage. I wish they hadn’t pulled us apart at all.
“Didn’t think I’d find out about that shit you did, girl I’m fucking said she saw you last year. My dads lawyer is going to bury your poor black ass in court.” He sneered.
I growled, “I’m so fucking scared. That girl your fucking as been chasing after me to fuck her ever since I started here. She’s probably pretty pissed she had to settle with your dick instead.” If I’d had a few more minutes, he wouldn’t be feeling so confident right now.
Chris narrowed his good eye. “You want to go again, fag?”
I shrugged, “How does your face feel? Maybe I need to punch it a few more times.”
“You’re still a fucking fa—”
Chris was cut off and I look rigjt down the hallway to see Dane walking towards me in his fatigues, a stoney expression on his handsome face. Obviously, I was in a shit load of trouble. It didn’t stop me from wanting to touch him, to tell him I’m sorry for pissing him off. I stood up once he was in front of me, not surprised when he reached out to touch my swollen cheek with his fingertips. “I’m sorry,” and I was. I never wanted to disappoint him, no matter how angry and hurt I was.
“We’ll talk about it later. You ok?” His fingers moved to a cut on the side of my head near my left eyebrow. It was small, already starting to scab over but I knew Dane didn’t like me to be hurt in anyway. If it were him I would feel the same steely anger that flinted in his grey eyes.
“I’m fine,” I said curtly, looking at Chris over Dane’s shoulder. The fucker was watching us with cold calculating eyes.
Dane turned around to see the other boy just as the principal's office door opened to reveal Chris’s father walk out in a pressed business suit. The man was average height, probably around 6 feet, and he had average brown hair and a clean-shaven face. Even with how forgetful looking the man was, I wouldn’t forget the angry eyes that glared down at Chris before directing towards me.
“Mr. Mcalister, Mr. Huntsman, situations like these will not be tolerated. I expect everyone to get along in our school. Whatever disagreement you two have you must come to terms with. Violence will not be acceptable in this school. Is that understood?” Principal O’nodd of his head towards both me and Chris. shea said with a stern
I nodded. “Yes, Sir.” I’d find another way to piss off Chris Mcalister. Maybe I’d let a picture of my dick go viral around school. There was no way he was sporting something bigger in his pants and I know for a fact it would piss him off to know the fag black kid had a bigger dick.
Chris nodded sharply, but I could see the red glow of anger in his face. “Yes, sir.”
Chris’s father sneered as his gaze looked between me and Dane. “I expect you to keep that kid under control. I don’t need your charity case to ruin my sons future.”
“Mr. Mcalister that is not—” Principal O’shea started only to be cut off by Dane.
“I expect you to keep him under control,” Dane said looking towards Chris and back at his father with dark grey eyes that could cut any man down. “I don’t need your privileged inbred brat ruining my boys future.”
Chris’s eyes widened and he looked between me and Dane while his father stood beside him turning an unhealthy shade of red. Something niggled at the back of my head as I watched Chris’s expression change from shock to something else entirely, an eerie smile creeping up on his face. Like the cat that just swallowed the canary. What the fuck was he up to?
“That’s enough gentlemen. I would ask you to refrain and set a positive example for your sons. We do not need anymore animosity in this situation.” O’shea said with a touch of exasperation in his voice. “Boys, stay away from each other. If either one of you confronts the other it will be immediate suspension. Is that understood?”
I nodded, “Yes Mr. O’shea—”
“No,” Dane said coldly, leveling his gaze on the overweight principal now. “I don’t agree to those terms. I want to know who started this fight. If Ty didn’t start it there is reason for him to be punished for defending himself.” not
O’shea sputtered for a second, at a loss for words as he tried to think of what to say. Had he thought that Dane would just be ok with an equal punishment for a situation he didn’t even fully know about? Had he assumed that Dane would think I was just as implicit in what had happened between me and Chris?
“I am unaware who started the fight, I was told that Tyler made the first punch, but that is not the message we want to bring to our students in this school. No violence is acceptable, and it was Tyler that had to be removed from Chris.” O’shea said, gaining some confidence by the end of his little rant.
“His name is Ty,” Dane said with enough ice that it was possible the air had dropped a few degrees. “I will talk about this with Ty, if I find out that you are being biased in any way I will be back in your office Mr. O’shea. Understood?” Dane’s voice took on that military quality that always made me want to click my boots together and salute, that or lay on my back and spread my legs, it was pretty equally split down the middle.
Principal O’shea swallowed, his adams apple bobbing before he nodded his head. “Let’s go, Ty.” Dane turned already walking away. I followed without hesitation, falling into step behind him as we walked out of the school.
“What happened?” Dane asked once we were home. He sat down on the couch waiting for me to explain exactly what I’d gotten myself into today.
“I was at my locker when he called me a fag, he slammed my locker and almost caught my hand, I got pissed and punched him. That’s what happened.” I said not drawing out the situation out into detail. The last thing I wanted Dane to know was that I had a photo in my locker of us together and that Seth had thought Dane was my sugar Daddy.
“You wouldn’t normally let something like that bother you,” Dane said knowingly. He was right, normally I was better at controlling my temper. I’d heard way worse, dealt with much worse, and yet today I couldn’t help but want to take out all of my anger on that asshole. I couldn’t express what I was holding in any other way. Short of raging at the world, no one would care about my broken heart or rising panic as I thought about how close September really was.
“Ty, does this have to do with my deployment?”
I looked away from him. “No, he just pissed me off.”
“If that’s it then why aren’t you sitting next to me?” Dane asked, knowing already what my answer was. I couldn’t hide from him, not that I wanted to, but knowing he would be gone in less than a year made everything inside of me want to fall apart.
“I figured you’re mad at me,” I said lamely.
“That’s never stopped you before,” he crooked his finger indicating for me to come towards him. I hesitated for only half a second before I was walking to the couch and sitting down next to him plastering our sides together. He was warm and smelled like the same clean scent I always thought of when I thought of Dane. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before.” He said out of the blue. “I should have told you a long time ago.”
“Why didn’t you,” I asked, feeling the raw emotion in my voice. Why had he kept something so important from me even after he knew how I felt?
“In the beginning, I didn’t want to make you feel in debt to me. I didn’t do it to make you feel like you owed me. I did it because it was what my parents would have wanted to keep you in the family.” Dane grabbed my knee in a strong grip. “When I first saw you I could see how devastated you were, how lost, and I knew how you felt. You were the only family I had left, and I was the only family you had left. It was an easy deal to make to keep you in my life.”
It wasn’t anything I hadn’t heard before, but it was all so different knowing what Dane had bartered to keep me. He’d traded five years of his life for me and he’s done it without knowing who I was. That was Dane thought, loyal to his core and he’d loved his parent. Didn’t matter that I was black, didn’t matter that he was young and starting his career, didn’t matter that he’d never met me. He’d still traded that much for me. “I can’t lose you,” I said weakly.
Dane wrapped his arms around me pulling me into an intimate loving embrace. “I wasn’t lying when I made my promise. When you’re 18 if you still want a relationship with me. then I will too.”
I nodded. “What will happen when you’re gone?” How will I stay together not knowing you might be hurt? How will I live for five years without having you in my life?
Dane grabbed my face in a gentle hand turning my head to look him straight in the eyes. “I’m going to go away,” he said and I felt my heart crack a little more. Dane’s finger brushed over my cheek where the lone tear slid down unwilling to stay inside of me. “But when I come home, I will never leave you again. Do you understand, Ty?” Without hesitating he leaned in and kissed me. I groaned, my hands cupping his face instinctively trying to keep him there. The kiss was soft, a promise made by him. I felt it in the soft brush of skin and warm gust of his breath before he pulled away.
As we sat there in silence our hands still holding each priveleged imbred’s ass.”others faces I couldn’t help but bring up the his comment from earlier. “I still want to beat that
Dane snorted out a chuckle, “As long as I get to deck the father.”
December 20th, 2017
I walked into school Monday morning knowing something was off. Students whispered among themselves in the parkinglot as I passed and others kept stealing glances before looking away quickly. It was possible it was curiosity over the fight between Chris and I, but I had a bad feeling in my gut that there was something else going on.
I stopped and looked over my shoulder as Leo Jackson, approached me with a tight expression on his face. It wasn’t often that me and Leo talked, but if there was anyone in the school that I tended to talk to on a more consistent basis it would be Leo. Mostly just ‘hey man’ or ‘what’s up’ in passing but it was more than most people said to me. Still I was slightly unsettled that he’d called out to me this morning.
“What’s up?” I asked, trying not to make it to obvious that I had to look down at the shorter teen.
“Something’s going around in the school. Chris, did something pretty shitty and I wanted to give you a heads up. You might be better off going home today till the school gets it cleaned up.” Leo rubbed his bicep in a nervous way, trying to look anywhere but my eyes.
His behavior made me feel a little anxious and I wondered what exactly Chris Mcalister had done that had Leo so uncomfortable. “Thanks for the heads up, but I think I’ll take my chances.” I said already walking towards the school entrance.
Leo didn’t follow me, and he didn’t attempt to stop me as I walking into the linolium underneath. Students talking openly as they looked at a paper they’d picked up off the floor.schoolsmain hallway. I didn’t notice at first what was going on, not until I stepped on the papers that were all over the hallway floor. There were so many copies of paper on the floor you couldn’t even see the
Leaning down I picked up a piece of paper before flipping it over. The moment my eyes locked on the image I felt the bottom of my stomach fall out and a burning rage unlike any other I’d felt before in my entire life. I would kill that mother fucker, that’s all I could think as I crumbled up the image of two men having annal sex their faces replaced with mine and Dane’s. Beneath the offending image written in bold letters was ‘Father Fucker’.