There was a lot I didn’t talk about, not even to Dane when I was a teenager. There were so many things I couldn’t tell him, not as a fifteen-year-old kid. Chasing his girlfriend off, that had been shitty of me. At the time I’d been terrified he’d distance himself from me, and that I’d physically bleed out from a torn heart if I watched anyone be closer to him than me. I wanted to be the person Dane always turned to, the one he wanted to be near for anything. At the time I hadn’t known how to show it. Now, I was different, but not without a lot of help from Dane.
There were times though when I didn’t make it easy for him.
November 20th, 2015
It had been days since Dane had slept with me and he hadn’t said anything about. Normally that wouldn’t be strange for him, but I could tell this was different. When I’d woke up the next morning I’d been plastered to Dane with the biggest hard-on of my entire life. It had been terrifying, but also so exciting I’d thought my heart might actually go into cardiac arrest. He hadn’t said anything when he’d peeled himself off of me and gotten out of bed. Not a single word, not then and not since.
The whole thing was making my skin itch. I needed Dane to talk to me. The only other time he’d given me the silent treatment had been after the whole Caitlyn thing. I’d really fucked that up. I know I had but it didn’t stop the sour taste from filling my mouth every time I thought about her hands roaming over him like she had a right to touch him.
I sighed leaning back on the bench as I waited for Dane to pick me up after school. He’d said he would be running a few minutes late today, knowing Dane that was going to put him in a bad mood, but I didn’t mind. It was Friday so maybe I could talk him into going to going on a hike.
I hummed excitedly. I loved hiking ever since Dane had started going with me last year it had become one of my favorite past times.
I was pulled out of my happy musings when his black jeep pulled up. “Come on we’re going to be late,” he said through the open window.
“Late for what?” I got into the jeep looking at him with confusion. We didn’t have anywhere to be that I knew about. Was I forgetting something?
Dane pulled the jeep back onto the road, his face set into tense lines, his hands gripping the steering wheel till his knuckles turned white. “I made an appointment for you to talk to someone.”
At first, I didn’t know what to say. I was too shocked to be angry. Was he taking me to a shrink? He thought something was wrong with me? I swallowed hard as my lips pressed together in a tight line. “So you think I’m fucked in the head?”
“No, Ty, I don’t think you’re fucked in the head.” Dane looked at me through the corner of his eye as he drove.
“Then why are you taking me to a shrink?” My voice was defensive and I felt like I wanted to hit something. Dane of all people wasn’t supposed to doubt me, but he was the one taking me to get my head examined.
“Corbin isn’t a shrink, he’s a therapist,” Dane said evenly, still keeping his eyes trained on the road.
I shook, as I tried to figure out what I’d done wrong for him to think I needed to go to anyone and talk. I’d gotten good grades, I kept the house clean, I never got into any trouble, I went to art class and club - What did he see that I didn’t? “Why are you taking me to see someone, Dane?” This time I asked with more desperation when I couldn’t come up with any reason.
Dane stopped at a red light and finally locked his grey eyes on me. There were so many warring emotions on his face, I couldn’t understand exactly what it was that he was thinking. “Caitlyn made some allegations to my commanding officer about what happened back in October, I’ve been advised to take you to a therapist so that the investigation can be closed.”
“Investigation?” What the fuck was he talking about? Caitlyn, the bitch he’d brought over for dinner… the one I’d told off. Had what I’d said somehow come back to cause Dane problems? What the hell had she told Dane’s commanding officer?
The light turned green, Dane’s eyes focused back on the road. “She accused me of inappropriate behavior towards you,” Dane sighed and glanced at me from the corner of his eye. “Ty, what did you say to Caitlyn that day?”
I looked away, out the car window. He wouldn’t understand what I’d said to her that day. Hell, I didn’t understand what I’d said to her. There had been so much anger and jealousy eating me from the inside I couldn’t let her think she was going to take the one person who was mine. She could have anyone she wanted, she didn’t need Dane, not like I did.
I shrugged in response to his question. “I told you already, she’s a racist.”
Dane smacked the steering wheel making me jump, “Damn it, Ty!”
It was a rare display of his temper, so I watched him closely feeling the ugly coil of guilt and shame that it was my fault he was in this situation. I was causing him problems. It was me who had chased off his only girlfriend since I’d known him, and it was me hiding things, or trying to hide things. Was there something wrong with me? Was it wrong for me to love him? No, it wasn’t I know it wasn’t, she was wrong for thinking Dane had done anything. Just because it wasn’t the norm, didn’t make it wrong.
It made it different.
Dane pulled into the parking lot of a medical building not far from the base. It was a massive tan structure that was at least twenty stories tall. My insides shook as I remembered the last time I’d had to talk to someone, about my past, about the dark thoughts I pushed deep into the back of my mind where I could lock them away, and about my mother. How could I talk about what I felt with Dane to someone like that? Someone who wanted to fix what was wrong with you. There wasn’t anything wrong.
Dane turned off the jeep and leaned back in his seat, exhaustion written in the way he sank into the dark leather. “Ty she said things that you said, about me—” He looked at me with worried grey eyes, eyebrows furrowed as he searched my face for something. “I love you, Ty, fuck sometimes I think way more than I should, but I don’t want you to only have me. I don’t want you to be alone if anything happens to me, I’m afraid that you and I are all each other has right now. What if I’m deployed, Ty?” The pain was written in the hard lines on his mouth and hard light in his eyes, “I can’t be your whole world.”
My chest burned as each thing he said took a piece of me and tossed it out of the car. I couldn’t argue with him, he was my whole world. Outside of art, I didn’t have anything but Dane, I didn’t want to have anything else. He made me happy, and safe, and wanted, and loved, and— A broken sound escaped me that I hadn’t meant to let out.
Dane’s hand reached out grabbed the back of my head pulling me in so our foreheads were pressed together. It wasn’t something he did since that night I’d found him beating coach Abbott. Right now I was grateful that he did, I needed the connection after his painful dose of reality. In silence, we leaned against each other his heavy hand on the back of my neck steadying me as grey eyes looked directly at me, no way to escape their intense scrutiny.
I didn’t want to escape, not from him.
“Talk to Corbin, not because of the investigation, I want you to talk about the things you keep buried inside of you. The things you don’t tell me. Do it for me, Ty.”
Do it for him? Did he know how low of a blow it was for him to ask that? Did he know I’d do anything for him?
Even the most painful thing possible.
December 20th, 2015
I looked up from my locker to see Seth standing beside me. I had to really look down at to see the small boy since I was very bit of six-five. I was taller than Dane which was absolutely hilarious and I had picked up going to the gym to build the muscles that I hoped one day would rival Danes.
“Hey, Seth what’s up?” I asked as I closed my locker. I’d started talking to Seth through art club, he was also the school council president and since I’d joined school council after Dr. Corbin had insisted that I find some ways to meet new people. Seth was a small kid with soft features the bordered on feminine, and it was painfully obvious he was gay. Between his freckled cheeks, and pale blonde hair, he was usually the one to get bullied by both male and female students. I didn’t mind Seth's appearance or his homosexuality I didn’t have room to really care about what most people cared about. Seth was nice, and I’d found that I really enjoyed talking to him. Of course, he’d been the only person I’d really spoken to. Dr. Corbin had been happy as had Dane that I’d made a friend, but I knew they wanted me to become more social. When I’d spoken to the doctor for the first time it had been almost physically painful. He’d determined quickly that Dane hadn’t done anything wrong, which had negated the investigation, but he had told me I would need to keep coming to see him. Dane had agreed, so now I saw the doctor once a week to talk about my life. I didn’t go into my past, not after the first visit, I refused to talk about what had happened to me when I’d been with my mother. I’d also refused to talk my feelings for Dane. I told him that I loved Dane, and appreciated him, but I didn’t go further when he tried to dig. I’d try to make friends, and be more social, but I wouldn’t give up my feelings for Dane. It wasn’t going to fucking happen.
“Are you going to the game tomorrow night?” He asked with what I swear was a red flush on his freckled cheeks.
“Nah, I don’t like team sports,” I said as I started to walk towards my last class for the day. That and I was also planning on going with Dane to see a new movie tomorrow night.
“Oh, well would you like to come to just hang out with me?” Seth asked as he walked beside me, his big brown doe eyes pleading silently.
I stopped and looked down at him, realizing something wasn’t right. “Why don’t you want to go alone?” I asked, cutting straight to the core of his question.
Seth wilted a little, averting his eyes. “I— well a student council member has to be there and I’m the president so I have to go as well, but those kinds of events they’re…”
Hard for him. I’d heard about the bullying that Seth had been through in school. It didn’t matter that this was a private school, there were still mean kids with nothing better to do. Actually, there was probably more of them in these gem-encrusted halls then at the public school. Loud hollering from down the hall made me look up to see some of the football team pushing and shoving each other playfully. If any of them touched me like that I’d probably knock them out, but they knew better than to try and include me no matter how big I was. I may be good football material but I wasn’t like them.
I looked back at Seth who was looking down at his shoes. Maybe Dane would go with me to the movie on Saturday night? It made my gut cramp, choosing to go with Seth over Dane, but in the end, I knew it would inevitably make Dane happy if I told him I was hanging out with a friend. All I ever wanted was to make Dane happy.
“Yeah, I’ll hang out with you at the game tomorrow night.”
Seth’s face lit up as he looked up with his big brown eyes. My heart squeezed a little and I had to admit that it was a pretty damn good feeling seeing him so happy.
December 21st, 2015
“I’ll come pick you up at twenty-one hundred, ok?” Dane said as I got out of the jeep. Every so often he fell back into military time when he spoke, I hadn’t figured out if it had anything to do with him being preoccupied or if it was just a faux pas on his part. It didn’t matter I knew he meant nine pm, I’d learned the 24-hour clock a long time ago.
“Yeah sounds good,” I said as he drove off. I watched the jeep till it disappeared, wishing I’d just kept our original plans to see a movie. I was going to tell Dane that Seth had canceled, but he’d been so happy that I was going out that I hadn’t wanted to disappoint him. A small dark part of me wondered if Dane was happy to have a night away from me, but I pushed it back down where I kept a lot of the bad shit.
The football field was already filling up and the lights shining as I walked up to the bleachers. Scanning through them I saw Seth waving a hand to get my attention in the middle. He was cute in his thick purple coat and gloves, and very noticeable. I smirked, thinking how my own jeans and thick black jacket with a beanie on my head made me look like a thug. I mean it wasn’t hard for me to look like a thug, I was a massive black teenager, short of wearing a Jesus loves you t-shirt I wasn’t going to wear anything comforting to people.
I walked up the bleachers, people eyes on me as I went to sit next to tiny Seth. “Thanks for coming!” He said as he rubbed his hands together. He was excited, it was obvious by the flush of his cheeks.
“No problem.” I settled in close figuring I’d block the cold wind for him, I was genuinely worried it might actually knock him off the stands. “I know that the student council doesn’t need to be here,” I said out of the blue. I’d figured it out about an hour after he’d asked me what he’d really wanted. This had nothing to do with student council or even football.
Seth’s blush deepened and his eyes dropped to his shoes. “I-it’s not like that, I just, I didn’t want to go alone and—”
“Hey Seth,” I said interrupting him.
“Yeah?” He looked up, big brown eyes glistening with fear but also a tinge of hope.
“If they win, I’ll kiss you.”
His nostrils flared, and his pupils dilated. It was a look of pure excitement and sexual hunger. It made my belly tighten, and I imagined what would it be like to have Dane look at me that way?
Football games were boring. I’d known that going into this, but I’d put a little touch of excitement for Seth. He’d been speechless after my offer, only talk about small things like school and tests afterward. When our home team started winning he wasn’t able to hide his excitement as he cheered with the other students.
Even though the game was boring, it was entertaining watching Seth. He was an easy person to be around. There was no dark cloud or double meaning to his words, he was truly just a good person and I wanted to be near that. I wanted to be as pure as he was. I sat silently watching as the home team came into the final part of the game tied with the rival team, the last few minutes would determine who’d win the game.
“Come on, come one,” Seth said under his breath fidgeting in his seat as he watched.
It was cute, and my belly warmed at the display. His eyes were focused firmly on the field as he vibrated with nerves. Was what I’d offered him so important? I couldn’t help but feel a little excited to know he wanted it so much that he was shaking with adrenaline. I looked down and saw the hard line of his erection trapped in his pants.
Just as the final play started I reached out and put my hand on his cheek so he’d look at me. He didn’t resist as I turned his head to look at me, his lips were parted and his breath came out in little puffs of air. I had to admit he was beautiful looking at him right then. He wasn’t the same handsome strength that Dane had, but a soft angelic beauty that felt breakable in my hands.
Leaning down I sealed my mouth over his just at the crowd roared with loud cheers. I don’t know what team won, but I know that I’d won something as I kissed him. It wasn’t Dane and a part of me wanted it to be, maybe a part of me always would want it to be, still, I didn’t want to stop.
So I kept kissing him, not giving a shit who saw us.
Ty made some progress in this chapter. I want to give you guys a heads up, this story has some sad parts... that is a heads up.