I told you that you wouldn’t want to hear my story.
I’ve had so much to be happy about in my life, thanks to Mark and Jane I got a home, because of Dane I got a family — and Seth, he gave me something I hadn’t realized I’d needed at the time, friendship. I hadn’t realized how much I’d needed him, until he came into my life. There are days when I fucking hate how damn cruel life is to me, for taking so much when I didn’t have that much to begin with, but then Dane says “Would you have rather never known them at all?” And sometimes I wonder if loving someone is worth the intense agony I feel when their gone. I think maybe it would have been easier to not have loved him at all, but then I remember his big brown eyes and I know I wouldn’t change what we had.
October 1st, 2016
Heat surrounded me, licking at my sensitive skin with agonizing slowness, while pain radiated through every bone, every nerve through my body. I wanted to scream, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t move. There was only darkness, and overwhelming pain drowning me.
Although i couldn’t move I could hear. Loud sounds warred all around me, blaring sirens and shouts that were indecipherable. I was a prisoner in my own mind, locked in the darkness.
Where was I? What happened?
“Help put him on the stretcher!”
Hands grabbed at my body pulling me from wherever I was stuck. More hands grabbed me till I was weightless for a moment and laid down on a hard surface. Moaning I tried to come up from the darkness, but I couldn’t open my eyes. Cold air rushed into my face, flowing freely into my lungs, burning my battered insides. Where was I? What was happening to me?
Where was Seth?
“Get them on the bus!”
“He’s going into cardiac arrest!” Someone shouted.
“Charging, all clear!”
“Still no pulse,” another person shouted.
Something was wrong, I needed to wake up. This had to be a nightmare! I needed Dane. Where was Dane? Panic ate at my guts while the pain chewed away at my body, disintegrating every bit of strength I had in me. Wake up! Dane! Dane wake me up!
“D-daneee,” I slurred.
“Other ones coming around I need ten milligrams morphine in the IV.”
I needed Dane, why wasn’t he waking me up? I couldn’t take this anymore. My insides cramped as I started to push past the weight holding me down in the darkness. The cold air rushing over my face made me gag as I started to breathe in deep gulps.
“He’s panicking, get a sedative.”
Fuck it hurt, everything hurt so goddamn bad! “D-dannee,” I cried as I tried to come up from the nightmare. Pain burst through me and sounds became sharper as I realized suddenly this wasn’t a nightmare. My eyes finally blinked open and I stared up at the white ceiling inside the ambulance, faces I didn’t know peered down at me as they continued to work over me.
“Stay calm, you were in an accident. We are taking you to the hospital.”
In an accident? A memory of bright light swallowing Seth— Seth! I jerk harshly against the stretcher trying to turn my head. Where was he? Agony made me cry out, but I didn’t stop struggling as I tried to get the oxygen mask off my face.
“Administer more sedative,” The EMT shouted.
The two held me down as I struggled. My muscles began to loosen against my will, falling limp against the stretcher as whatever they’d given me began to pull me under. I fought against the pull my head lulling to the side as my eyes started to slide shut.
Beside me, I saw around the people working on me his still form laid out on the stretcher. His hand hung limply from where he lay. A muffled cry escaped me, unheard by the people around me as I slid my eyes shut the fight draining out of me as I willingly let myself go back down into the darkness.
October 2nd, 2016
I didn’t want to wake up.
It didn’t matter, my eyes slid open on their own forcing me to see where I was. I squinted as the light from the window poured into the room blinding me for a few seconds. It didn’t take long for my eyes to adjust but I still felt confused as I looked around the grey room covered with colorful chats and a vibrant wallpaper I couldn’t make out.
Where was I?
The muted rhythmic beep on the monitor beside me made me look up to see the rise and fall of my heartbeat on the screen. Beside that was a stand holding an IV drip that was connected to my arm. I shifted slowly, a dull ache radiating all over my body from just the slightest movement. A low moan escaped me, I couldn’t hold it in when it all started to make sense.
I was in the hospital, but why was I here? My brain rebelled, pulsing furiously when I tried to remember what had happened. I groaned as my stomach turned dangerously, threatening to bring up whatever I had left in it. Why couldn’t I fucking remember what had happened? How long have I been here? The monitor tracking my heart rate beeped in warning as my heart rate began to increase as more questions raced through my mind. What was wrong with me? How bad was I hurt? Where was—
“D-dane?” I croaked, my voice barely coming out of my dry throat.
Someone shifted their weight on the bed beside me, drawing my attention away from my building panic. I looked down at the dirty blonde head laying on my arm. Dane lay next to me, his body pressed against mine as close as he could get it. I hadn’t even realized he was there. The monitor's rhythm slowed as I watched him sleep. I wanted to talk to him, ask him what the fuck was going on, but I wasn’t ready. Somehow I knew I wasn’t ready. So I let my eyes drift shut as I curled into him and went back to sleep where I could avoid reality.
October 3rd, 2016
The next time I woke, I remembered.
My eyes cracked open, expecting to see light but the room was dark, the only light was the moonlight coming in through the window beside my bed. It was late, probably past midnight, I could tell by where the moon hung in the sky. It was a pointless observation, but it kept me from having to think about what I knew had happened. I couldn’t let it in yet.
“Dane?” My voice was still raspy, but it came out clear enough.
I looked around the room for him, he wasn’t lying beside me anymore and I didn’t see him. I needed to see him. Had it been a dream when I’d saw him next to me?
“Dane!” I called out, my heart beginning to race as my muscles shook. I needed him, I couldn’t let the truth in, not without him. His blood covered skin, his wide brown eyes—
“Dane!” I cried, my hands coming up to grip my head forcing the truth to stop. The bright white light of the truck's headlights illuminated him right before it had—
“DANE!” I screamed, pulling at the lines tethering me to the bed, keeping me prisoner in this darkroom. The monitors beeped wildly as I pulled the sensors off my body. I needed to find him. What if he was— Voices rose in the hallway before the nursing staff opened the door letting light shine into my room.
“Calm down, you’re in Mercy medical pediatric. There was an accident—”
No, I could not be here, I could not. “Dane!” I shouted as I ripped off the IV stuck in my left arm. I couldn’t do it without Dane. The smell of smoke, and the pleading look in Seth’s eyes right before—
“Calm down or we’ll have to call security to sedate you,” One of the nurses said as she slowly approached the bed.
I didn’t hear them, I couldn’t hear them over the roaring of my blood as it rushed through my body in panicked pulses. I needed Dane, I needed to make sure he wasn’t gone, not like— “Dane!” I sobbed as I got out of the bed falling hard on the linoleum floor when my legs wouldn’t hold me up.
“He’s too big, someone call security.”
“Someone find his father!”
They shouted, but I couldn’t hear them, not over the blaring of the truck horn as it slammed into the side of my car. The fluorescent headlights kept replaying over and over in my head as I tried to get away. Hard hands grabbed my arms, forcing me back down onto the floor, forcing me back under the jeep. “NO! NO! DANE!” I roared, throwing my arms out trying to get free from whoever was holding me down. Everything was blurred as I fought against the weight of the car trying to keep me down, trying to keep me from him.
“Sedate him! He’s having a panic attack!”
“Hold him down!” Someone shouted.
Their voices rose around me, but I couldn’t understand them. From the hallway, light shined in, bright like the lights before the crash. Seth had been in the bright light, he’d been there and then he’d been gone. He was gone, he was gone, he was gone—
A lone figure stepped into the doorway blotting out the light with his body as he rushed into the room.
“What the fuck! What are you doing? Get off of him!” Dane yelled.
Voices rose as feet scuffled across the ground, I could hear them, could hear him, but I was drowning in the racing staccato of my own heart — and pain. There was so much pain, inside of me and outside. I knew, but I didn’t want to, I didn’t want to accept the memories of the bright lights as the truck swallowed the jeeps passenger side.
“He’s having a panic attack, we need to sedate him,” someone said nearby.
“I said get off of him,” Dane roared.
His voice broke through the frantic drum of my blood and into my brain. My limbs stilled, I hadn’t realized I’d been moving them, throwing them around like weapons as the hospital staff tried to hold me down. They let me go slowly from where I sat ridged on the cold floor, panting as my lungs tried to pull in more air. Nurses and security stood around me, tense as they watched Dane slowly lay his hand over my thundering heart. Grey eyes stared straight at me as he slowly wrapped his other arm around the back of my neck and drew me into his warmth.
“D-dane,” I croaked as the strength drained out of me, my head falling onto his shoulder.
“I’m here, Ty. I’m here.”
He was and I was thankful, but even with him there I could still feel the hole inside of me growing as I started to accept what I’d lost. I didn’t feel the needle as it slid into the back of my arm, but I didn’t fight when my body started to fall back down into the darkness. The only place I was safe from my nightmare.
October 4th, 2016
“I don’t want to leave you,” he said with his big soulful brown eyes staring up at me, “but I have to for a while.”
Light surrounded me shining on us from every direction as we stood there in some unknown place. “Am I dreaming?” I asked him, confused. Seth was the only thing that I could see in the vast white light.
He smiled, his brown eyes bright like they’d been the day I’d kissed him at the football field. “Yeah, I wanted to say goodbye.”
“Goodbye? What are you talking about?” My heart started to thunder in my chest as anxiety filled me. “Seth, what the fuck is this?”
The smile faded from his soft face, replaced by a small frown, worried lines etched between his tense brows. “I can’t stay. I wish I could. More than anything I want to stay for you, but it’s my time to leave.”
“Leave? Where?” I stepped forward grabbing his face between my hands as I held him so he wouldn’t disappear on me. Every fiber of my soul told me to hold onto him because if I didn’t he’d be gone and I’d never see him again.
Seth brought up gentle hands to cover my own where they laid over his freckled cheeks. Sorrow was written in his eyes as he slowly pulled my hands away and kissed my palms. “I love you Ty Huntsman, but I don’t want you to come with me, not yet.” He sighed softly as he walked into my chest and wrapped his arms around my waist burying his face in my chest.
I wrapped my arms around his smaller body, holding him tight as I settled my face in his soft blonde hair, breathing in his sweet scent. I didn’t understand what he was saying. Nothing made sense, so I held onto him tight afraid to let him go. Afraid I was starting to understand what he was trying to say to me. “Where are you going? Why can’t I go with you?”
“It’s not time for you to go yet.” He pulled back and I release him enough so he could look up at me, his beautiful face tight with concern. “Ty, promise me you won’t give up on the world. I know you, don’t stop loving people, don’t keep your pain locked inside. I’m not the only person who loves and needs you.” He stepped out of my arms.
I wasn’t able to hold him, the strength draining out of me and my legs rooted to where I stood. I watched as he turned around looking at the bright light shining all around us and then back over his shoulder at me. “I love you big man, and I'll love you when I see you again.” He smiled, his brown eyes shining before he faded into the light.
And then, Seth was gone and I was alone again.
“Seth,” I moaned, my eyes slowly opening to reveal the decorated walls of the hospital. No. No. No. I thought as I tried to fucking forget about everything that I knew had happened. I didn’t want to remember I didn’t want to accept what my dreams were trying to make me accept.
“Tell me what happened,” I forced out, knowing he was there and that he would hear me.
Dane watched me from the chair he sat in beside my bed, his grey eyes dull, dark shadows under them. “No, you need to rest.” He said wearily as he sat up in his chair as if he’d been sleeping in the uncomfortable piece of furniture.
“Dane tell me what happened,” I pushed
“Ty, please,” his voice was rough and worn as if he was just barely keeping himself together. “I thought you were dead,” he sucked in a deep rattling breath. “Damn it, Ty.” He leaned forward, his breaths coming out rattled pants.
He looked so broken.
I’d never seen Dane look as worn as he did right then sitting beside my hospital bed. Not when Mark and Jane had passed, and not when he’d lost friends overseas. Dane was always stoic and unmovable, but he wasn’t then.
“Dane, please.” The words came out filled with all the desperation inside of me. “I need to know, I need you to tell me,” about Seth. That was the unspoken plea between us. How could I ask him to be the one to tell me that I’d lost the only other person I loved in my life? Who else could I ask? Who else did I have but him?
Dane shook his head, a growl building painfully in his chest as he threaded his hands through his short hair. He sat there with his head bowed for a few long moments. I thought maybe he wouldn’t tell me, that he couldn’t bring himself to, but before I could ask him again he started talking in a low tone.
“There was a truck, the driver lost control down the incline. He didn’t slow down fast enough and he hit the passenger side of the jeep flipping it over three times before it hit a tree.” Dane spoke steadily his voice void as if he was talking to his commanding officer about a debriefing.
I know Dane, I could see the tendons in his neck pulling taut as he struggled to keep all the emotions he was feeling from exploding from within. Me, I felt numb, the physical pain was the only thing reminding me that I was still alive. I couldn’t feel anything, because I already knew what had happened that night, but I just needed him to be the one to tell me. I couldn’t let anyone else break my fucking heart that way.
“They had to pull you from under the jeep, you’d lost a lot of blood but you—”
“Seth’s dead, isn’t he?” I growled, the burn in my throat chasing the words out like vomit.
Dane didn’t say anything for a few minutes, his grey eyes the only constant as they watched me closely. He said so much with a simple look. His jaw tensing before he nodded his head slowly. “I’m sorry, Ty, he’s gone.”
A low moan escaped me as my heart clenched tight in my chest. A piece of me dying inside of me. His words took so much from me I didn’t know who I was anymore. How could he be gone? How could I breath knowing he was gone? I choked out a breath as hot tears spilled from my eyes. “D-dane, please,” make it stop, make the pain inside of me stop tearing me apart.
Strong arms wrapped around my shoulders pulling my head into his strong chest, keeping me with him while another part of me, a part that couldn’t be seen, rotted away into fragmented pieces.