Return to Zenda! (stage play) - 1. Act I part 1

ACT I

(The Rassendyll estate in England. ROBERT RASSENDYLL is in place, reading the morning newspaper; possibly his face is never seen. RUDOLF RASSENDYLL enters.)

RUDOLF: (to the audience) Such a story I have to tell you. Such adventure! Such romance! To think I could have stayed here, on the quiet country estate of my brother and his wife, in the warm embrace of their infinitely indulgent hospitality, letting the quiet days of my life slip away...

ROSE: (entering) Oh, Rudolf. You’re still here.

RUDOLF: (kisses ROSE on the cheek) Good morning, Rose. You are the prettiest sister-in-law a man ever had.

ROSE: And your hair is still red.

RUDOLF: My hair is always red.

ROSE: I’ve asked you not to use my henna.

RUDOLF: I don’t know what you mean. This is my natural color, as my dear brother well knows.

ROBERT: I know nothing of the kind.

ROSE: Robert, Rudolf is still here.

RUDOLF: And enjoying my visit immensely.

ROBERT: (snorts) “Visit.”

ROSE: Six years, eight months and twenty-three days.

RUDOLF: Every day like clockwork, this game of surprise at my continued presence. I never tire of it. (reading the newspaper) Why, look here, dear Rose, just a month from today will be the coronation of the new king of Ruritania. (to the audience) An imaginary Central European country invented here for dramatic purposes.

ROSE: Rudolf, I will not hear any mention of Ruritania in this house. We are a good English family and Ruritania has nothing to do with us.

RUDOLF: No mention of Ruritania whatsoever?

ROSE: I’m not listening.

RUDOLF: Nor of the visit to England a hundred years ago of Ruritania’s Rudolf the Third, and his possible acquaintance with my great-grandmother?

ROSE: (putting her fingers in her ears and humming) M-m-m-m-m-m-m-hm!

RUDOLF: Nor of the uncanny resemblance of myself to the man about to be crowned Rudolf the Fifth of Ruritania?

ROSE: (hums louder)

RUDOLF: Whose hair, like so many of that royal house, is my exact shade of red?

ROSE: La la la la la la la!

RUDOLF: (to the audience) I don’t like to detail the precise connexion between my family and the royal family of Ruritania, but I can assure you that it was something very naughty.

ROSE: Rudolf, Robert and I have been talking, and, well, you are after all thirty years old.

RUDOLF: (sharply) Twenty-nine.

ROSE: Twenty-nine, then. We were wondering—

ROBERT: You were wondering, Rose.

ROSE: WE were wondering, might you ever, oh, perhaps, get married?

RUDOLF: With a lovely sister-in-law like you, what would I need a wife for?

ROSE: (aside) That’s what I was afraid of.

RUDOLF: I am quite content to while away the time with my old school chums at my club.

ROSE: Or, possibly, might you ever—how can I put this delicately—find work?

RUDOLF: Work? Work??

ROSE: Sir Jacob has been appointed to an embassy. He’s so fond of you. A position would be yours for the asking--

RUDOLF: I’m underfoot, aren’t I?

ROSE: No, no, no, no.

ROBERT: Don’t back down now, Rose.

RUDOLF: As it happens, I am just about to begin preparations to take a holiday

ROBERT: Your life is a holiday.

ROSE: A holiday where?

RUDOLF: (evasive) Central Europe.

ROSE: Not to Ruritania?

RUDOLF: No, to the Tyrol.

ROSE: Not to see the coronation of Rudolf the Fifth in Strelsau (to the audience) the capital of Ruritania? (to RUDOLF) You’re sure you won’t go there?

RUDOLF: No, no, no, to the Tyrol.

ROSE: Would it distress you greatly to stay here long enough to inquire about the embassy position?

RUDOLF: Time enough to find something responsible for me to do after I return. I intend my holiday to be unspoilt by thoughts of duty, though there may be a book in it, if anything interesting crops up!

ROSE: Oh, Rudolf, do you think so?

RUDOLF: Maybe even something for the stage, in which I have always had a keen interest!

ROBERT: Our Rudolf has always been artistic.

RUDOLF: Who can say? Farewell, then, sister-in-law! (Kisses ROSE deeply and passionately)

ROSE: (making a show of indignation, but secretly amused and delighted) Oh, Rudolf, you mischievous scamp!

RUDOLF: And farewell, brother! (Kisses ROBERT deeply and passionately)

ROBERT: (making a show of indignation, but secretly amused and delighted) Oh, Rudolf, you mischievous scamp!

(as scene changes)

RUDOLF: And so I gave out that I was going on holiday in the Tyrol, and not a soul knew that my real destination was Ruritania, to see the coronation of – if family scandal were true – my distant relative. On the way I passed through Paris, spending the time as any gentleman would, shopping for new clothes and going to the opera in the company of other gentlemen.

OLD FRENCH WOMAN: (offering a basket of fish) Poisson, monsieur?

RUDOLF: No, thank you.

OLD FRENCH WOMAN: (shoving a fish under RUDOLF’s nose) Mais monsieur, regardez, c’est beau, c’est très frais, c’est le meilleur poisson de Paris, (pulling out postcards) aussi j’ai des cartes postales, très naughty-naughty, les filles, les girls, hootchy-kootchy, nana na na na, nana nana nana na... (sings this last nasally, D E F E D D E F A E F D [tune: “There’s a place in France where the ladies wear no pants”])

RUDOLF: (firmly) No, thank you, really.

OLD FRENCH WOMAN: (mocking) “Neh-oo thenk you rehlleh.” (contemptuously, with limp wrist) Ze Eenglish vice. (rushing toward someone offstage) Ah! Monsieur! Poisson? Carte postale? (leaves)

RUDOLF: I was saying. Paris. Opera, shopping for new clothes. Yes, and an old acquaintance, Bertram Bertrand, caught me up on some of the latest news.

BERTRAM: I’m in love, I’m in love, I’m in love.

RUDOLF: What’s the lady’s name?

BERTRAM: Antoinette de Mauban. But she is the mistress of Duke Michael of Strelsau.

RUDOLF: Duke Michael of Strelsau?

BERTRAM: Yes, half-brother of the very Rudolf who is to be crowned king of Ruritania. Antoinette is hopelessly in love with Michael, though he treats her abominably. He uses her for his pleasure, but he has ambitions to marry his cousin Flavia as a means of securing the throne for himself.

RUDOLF: Marry his cousin? I had heard of such customs in the wilds of America – Arkansas I believe it was – but on the Continent?

BERTRAM: All he wants is power. And I love Antoinette and can do nothing.

RUDOLF: It would seem imprudent for Duke Michael to flaunt such a liaison, if he really intends to seize the crown.

BERTRAM: They are very discreet. Wherever one is, the other is not far away; yet no one has ever seen them both at the same time. If I had no interest in the matter, I would call them well-matched: same height, same physical type, similar colour and complexion, even many of the same mannerisms. God, how I love them! I mean her. God, how I love her.

(ANTOINETTE DE MAUBAN enters; shift to train scene)

RUDOLF: (to the audience) By a strange chance, when I left Paris on the train for Dresden, I shared a coach with none other than this very Antoinette de Mauban. (to ANTOINETTE) Is Dresden your final destination, Mademoiselle?

ANTOINETTE: Ah, no, Monsieur. I continue to Strelsau for the coronation, whose date has been advanced to the day after tomorrow. And you, Monsieur, will you stay in Dresden?

RUDOLF: Actually, no. I intend to go to Strelsau myself. But you say the coronation day has been moved up?

ANTOINETTE: Yes, Monsieur. If you have not arranged lodging in Strelsau yet, with the crowds it will be impossible to find a room. You may wish to stay nearer the border, perhaps in Zenda.

RUDOLF: I perceive that you know Ruritania well, and have reason to visit there often. What leads you still to spend so much time in Paris?

ANTOINETTE: It is the only place for show business. I have a little cabaret act there. Perhaps you will see it some time. Au revoir, Monsieur.