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Return to Zenda! (stage play) - 5. Act II part 1
ACT II -- Ballroom. A costume ball.
Costumes:
Flavia: Male dress, but beautifully feminized -- Rosenkavalier, or Marlene Dietrich top hat and tails
Helga: Construction worker
Rudolf: Fairy tale king (tights, ballooning short breeches, shoes with buckles, giant crown)
Fritz: Ballet prince with bow and arrow
Antoinette: Marie Antoinette (big hair)
Michael: Maharaja (turban larger than Marie Antoinette’s hair)
Rupert Hentzau: Cowboy (having misinterpreted Michael saying he was going as an Indian)
Sapt: Pirate, heavy on the leather, monocle over his eyepatch; or a fairy; a walrus; or a barber
Messenger Girl is in formal clothes but not in costume
(Elegant music, then, when the dancing begins, Viennese waltzes.)
MESSENGER GIRL: His Majesty King Rudolf the Fifth of Ruritania, and His Excellency Colonel Sapt.
RUDOLF: (to SAPT) Are we early?
SAPT: We are exactly on time. Without punctuality the world would collapse.
RUDOLF: Quite. But no one else is here.
SAPT: High society! Always late.
GIRL: Count von Tarlenheim.
RUDOLF: Fritz! Fritzi! Look, I came as a king. Get it? I’m playing the part of a king.
FRITZ: Very clever, Rudolf.
RUDOLF: I say, you look splendid. All those arrows. But I’ve never seen Cupid with such a hat.
FRITZ: I am the Prince from Swan Lake.
RUDOLF: Oh, right, of course.
GIRL: Her Blood Royalness Flavia, Hereditary Princess, Elector of Grand Fenwick, Defender of Gorgonzola, Three Time Champion of the Eight Hundred Meter Relay--
FLAVIA: Oh, really, we needn’t be so formal.
GIRL: And the Countess Helga, (glancing at the card front and back) who has no other name, just Helga.
RUDOLF: (rushes to FLAVIA) Oh, Flavia, you look marvelous. Just wonderful.
FLAVIA: And Rudolf, your costume is very -- whimsical.
RUDOLF: Do you really think so? I wasn’t certain if the colors quite work.
GIRL: Mademoiselle Antoinette de Mauban, reigning queen of the French stage.
FLAVIA: Oh, she’s lovely.
RUDOLF: I suppose so, in a tawdry show-business way.
GIRL: Count Rupert Hentzau.
FRITZ: Oh, a cowboy. How cliché.
ANTOINETTE: (to HENTZAU) What on earth are you wearing?
HENTZAU: You said you was -- you said Michael was coming as an Indian, so I dressed like a cowboy.
ANTOINETTE: Dolt! I didn’t mean an Apache; I meant a Hindoo, a Maharaja. And you wear that to a tasteful affair! Bumpkin! Villager! Go dance with that woman dressed as a construction worker -- you can be village persons together!
HENTZAU: Calm down. I always dance with the prettiest girl in the room first.
ANTOINETTE: (wiping away a tear) Devil. You always know just what to say.
RUDOLF: (to FLAVIA, looking at HENTZAU) That cad. Here five minutes and already he’s made a woman cry.
GIRL: Le bal commence!
(All four couples waltz, proceeding counterclockwise around the floor. )
FIRST:
Sapt & Girl (begin upstage)
Hentzau & Antoinette Fritz & Helga
Rudolf & Flavia (begin downstage)
RUDOLF: (offers his hand to FLAVIA) Your Highness? (RUDOLF and FLAVIA begin to dance; the other couples follow) Oh, I love dances!
FLAVIA: That is evident, Rudolf.
RUDOLF: You’re leading.
FLAVIA: Of course I’m leading. I am of the blood royal.
RUDOLF: Well, so am I.
FLAVIA: Don’t be tiresome, Rudolf.
RUDOLF: I don’t mind. I rather like it.
FLAVIA: Really?
RUDOLF: Really. Dip me. (she does)
ANTOINETTE: (to HENTZAU) Halfway through the ball, I will reappear as Michael. I will need you to help me change. Wait for my signal.
HENTZAU: Where’s your other costume? We can’t leave pieces lying around.
ANTOINETTE: Everything I have on is reversible. It’s a masterpiece.
SAPT: (to MESSENGER GIRL) We could have a first-class postal system running in six months.
HELGA: (to FRITZ) What are you so worried about? Why do you keep watching the King?
FRITZ: Oh, nothing. I’m just hoping that he and the Princess are getting along.
HELGA: After all these years, now you start worrying about that?
(ANTOINETTE goes ahead to RUDOLF;
FLAVIA falls back to HENTZAU;
GIRL falls back to FRITZ;
HELGA goes ahead to SAPT)
SECOND:
Sapt & Helga
Flavia & Hentzau Fritz & Girl
Rudolf & Antoinette
ANTOINETTE: Your Majesty, you must help me.
RUDOLF: It’s simple, really. Just ONE-two-three, ONE-two-three...
ANTOINETTE: No, I’m talking about Duke Michael--
RUDOLF: Oh.
ANTOINETTE: I love him, but I am afraid of his ambitions. I am afraid for -- the prisoner he holds at the castle in Zenda.
RUDOLF: You mean--
ANTOINETTE: We know everything, Mister Rassendyll. I am selfish. I want Michael. If you defeat him, send him into exile, then he will be mine alone. But you must spare his life, and you must come to the castle at Zenda.
RUDOLF: But can you help us? How will we enter the castle?
ANTOINETTE: The key to the back door is under the flowerpot on the right side of the doormat. And I will leave the porch light on.
RUDOLF: Oh. That sounds simple enough.
HENTZAU: (to FLAVIA) A beautiful, intelligent, capable woman like you -- you should be on the throne by yourself. With a good henchman at your side, of course.
HELGA: (to SAPT) I recommend three triceps exercises for every two biceps exercises.
SAPT: Very wise. The triceps -- that’s where the real muscle mass is.
GIRL: (to FRITZ) Why do you keep watching the King?
FRITZ: Oh, you wouldn’t understand.
(GIRL goes ahead to SAPT;
HELGA goes ahead to HENTZAU;
FLAVIA goes ahead to ANTOINETTE;
RUDOLF goes ahead to FRITZ)
THIRD:
Sapt & Girl
Hentzau & Helga Rudolf & Fritz
Flavia & Antoinette
FLAVIA: (to ANTOINETTE) It’s such a thrill to meet a real star. To think, here, the queen of the stage!
ANTOINETTE: Why does everyone keep calling me that?
HELGA: (to HENTZAU) You will please keep a respectful distance from the Princess Flavia.
HENTZAU: I never argue with a woman with power tools.
MESSENGER GIRL: (to SAPT) If I’m postmistress, do I at least get a horse?
SAPT: Well, perhaps a bicycle.
RUDOLF: (to FRITZ) Antoinette begged me for help! She will help us defeat Michael. We just have to be careful not to kill him. We must go to Zenda.
FRITZ: Well, we do have to go there anyway, to rescue the King.
RUDOLF: Hm? Oh, right, the King. Yes, we could do it all in one trip, couldn’t we? I confess I remember Zenda rather fondly now -- where all this began, where I first met you --
FRITZ: Yes, Rudolf! And you have been my King ever since!
RUDOLF: And Sapt, and the real King, and that led right to Flavia --
FRITZ: Oh. Her.
(HELGA goes ahead to ANTOINETTE;
GIRL goes ahead to HENTZAU;
RUDOLF goes ahead to SAPT;
FLAVIA goes ahead to FRITZ)
FOURTH:
Hentzau & Girl
Antoinette & Helga Rudolf & Sapt
Flavia & Fritz
FLAVIA: (to FRITZ) Is something wrong?
FRITZ: Oh, I’m just concerned about -- the King.
FLAVIA: So am I. He already seemed unbalanced, and now that costume, I mean, really!
HELGA: (to ANTOINETTE) You will please keep a respectful distance from the Princess Flavia.
HENTZAU: (to GIRL) Well ain’t you a cutie. What’s all the heavy discussion with Sapt?
RUDOLF: (to SAPT) Antoinette has appealed for our aid! She will help us against Michael if we spare Michael’s life.
SAPT: Women can’t be trusted. We will consider her proposal, but if it doesn’t work out, you may have to remain King for a few more decades.
RUDOLF: Decades?
SAPT: Don’t worry. You’re doing fine so far.
(RUDOLF goes ahead to HENTZAU; FLAVIA goes ahead to SAPT; ANTOINETTE goes ahead to FRITZ; GIRL goes ahead to HELGA)
FIFTH:
Helga & Girl
Fritz & Antoinette Rudolf & Hentzau
Flavia & Sapt
FLAVIA: (to SAPT) It is strange finding that I am suddenly so fond of the King. Odd, to feel this way about a man.
SAPT: My advice to is take it slow. Pretend you just met him. No need to rush into anything.
FLAVIA: We are to be married.
SAPT: I favor long engagements, don’t you?
ANTOINETTE: (to FRITZ) Whoever enters the castle must be very careful. If they suspect a rescue, the guards are ordered to kill the King immediately and drop his body through the trap door into the moat.
FRITZ: Then we will be silent as cats. But where, how, when?
ANTOINETTE: At the castle, three nights from tonight, at midnight, at my signal. I will scream. It will distract the guards. I can scream like you wouldn’t believe.
FRITZ: Oh, I believe you. You know, you look a bit like Duke Michael. Are you two related?
ANTOINETTE: We are half-cousins.
HELGA: (to GIRL) My wife does not understand me.
HENTZAU: (to RUDOLF) Well, it’s the play-actor. Nice to run into you again.
RUDOLF: I wish I could say I felt the same.
HENTZAU: Oh, now, don’t be that way. We could be very useful to each other. I could give you Michael’s head on a plate, and a certain other person’s as well, and you could be King forever. All I would want in return is Michael’s title and his land.
RUDOLF: I am shocked!
HENTZAU: Yeah, but are you interested?
RUDOLF: One question!
HENTZAU: And what’s that?
RUDOLF: Who does your hair? It’s simply mesmerizing.
(ANTOINETTE and HENTZAU exeunt for ANTOINETTE/MICHAEL quick change)
(FRITZ goes ahead to SAPT;
FLAVIA goes ahead to RUDOLF;
HELGA and GIRL continue together)
SIXTH:
Helga & Girl Rudolf & Flavia
Fritz & Sapt
FRITZ: (to SAPT) Three nights from tonight, Antoinette de Mauban will let us into the castle at Zenda.
SAPT: And none too soon. Who knows what they have done to my little King? He is probably stripped naked, bound, gagged, probably he has been tortured, flogged --
FRITZ: Are we dancing too fast? You’re breathing awfully heavily.
SAPT: No, I’m fine.
HELGA: (to GIRL) I am alone and quite unoccupied Wednesday and Thursday afternoons.
RUDOLF: (to Flavia) Flavia, I may need to go away for a few days.
FLAVIA: Where?
RUDOLF: Zenda. A little matter of rescuing a prisoner from Michael’s castle.
FLAVIA: A prisoner? Who is it?
RUDOLF: I’ve said too much already.
FLAVIA: But this sounds dangerous. I will go with you.
RUDOLF: I couldn’t bear to think of you in danger.
FLAVIA: Nonsense. You know nothing about storming castles. I excelled in it at the military academy.
RUDOLF: You went to a military academy?
FLAVIA: But of course, Rudolf, for -- (RUDOLF mouths the words with her) I am of the blood royal.
RUDOLF: I should have known.
FLAVIA: I have come to feel quite protective towards you. My little King.
RUDOLF: Oddly enough, everyone seems to want me to keep the job.
FLAVIA: Your attempts at competence are so adorable.
RUDOLF: I notice you weren’t leading when you were dancing with Hentzau.
FLAVIA: That’s different. You’re a gentleman; he’s a guy. You understand.
(MICHAEL reappears, having changed costume, as a maharajah; cuts in to dance with FLAVIA.
RUDOLF goes ahead to GIRL.
HENTZAU cuts in to dance with SAPT.
HELGA goes ahead to FRITZ.)
SEVENTH (a):
Fritz & Helga
Sapt & Hentzau Rudolf & Girl
Flavia & Michael
MICHAEL: (to FLAVIA) We both know that the King is unfit to rule. We both know that I would make a much better King, with you as my Queen.
FLAVIA: Are you wearing rouge? And lipstick?
MICHAEL: Only for formal occasions.
SAPT: (to HENTZAU, holding him a little too close as they dance) You certainly are in excellent physical condition. Do you engage in a program of regular calisthenics?
HENTZAU: Whoa, whoa, buddy -- hands off the merchandise.
(Couples Sapt-Hentzau and Flavia-Michael switch position.)
SEVENTH (b):
Flavia & Michael
Rudolf & Girl Sapt & Hentzau
Fritz & Helga
FRITZ: (to HELGA) Why do you keep looking at Flavia?
HELGA: I’m just worried about her. You wouldn’t understand.
FRITZ: I certainly wouldn’t. Of everyone here she’s the one I’m least worried about.
RUDOLF: (to GIRL) You get out, you hear what people are saying. Do they like me?
(FRITZ moves ahead to MICHAEL;
FLAVIA moves ahead to SAPT;
HENTZAU moves ahead to GIRL;
RUDOLF moves ahead to HELGA)
EIGHTH:
Michael & Fritz
Sapt & Flavia Rudolf & Helga
Hentzau & Girl
GIRL: (to HENTZAU) Without me, this administration would collapse. But I get no respect.
HENTZAU: Aw. Listen, I can relate.
FLAVIA: (to SAPT) I am coming with you to Zenda. When are we leaving?
SAPT: Who said anything about going to Zenda?
FLAVIA: The King, of course.
SAPT: That boy needs discipline.
FRITZ: So, Duke! You cannot reveal what you have done, and we cannot reveal what we have done. There seems to be nothing you can do.
MICHAEL: Nice little King you have there. Too bad if anything were to happen to him.
RUDOLF: (to HELGA) I don’t suppose you could persuade Flavia not to go to Zenda?
HELGA: Bah! She never listens to me.
(2 couples Rudolf-Helga and Hentzau-Girl switch places;
MICHAEL moves ahead to SAPT;
FLAVIA falls back to FRITZ)
NINTH:
Sapt & Michael
Rudolf & Helga Flavia & Fritz
Hentzau & Girl
HENTZAU: (to GIRL) Whaddaya say we ditch this party? I know this place --
RUDOLF: (to HELGA) I just wish someone thought I could handle something alone.
HELGA: You did a marvelous job on Flavia’s hair.
SAPT: (to MICHAEL) You are bold to bring Antoinette here, but circumspect not to be seen with her. And yet I can tell that you have met with her. I can smell her perfume on you.
MICHAEL: You’re too clever for me, Sapt.
FLAVIA: (to FRITZ) I will bring the grappling hooks.
FRITZ: Why not just plan the whole attack?
FLAVIA: It’s just that things go so much better when I give the orders.
FRITZ: Can’t argue with that.
(HENTZAU goes ahead to FRITZ;
FLAVIA falls back to GIRL;
SAPT goes ahead to HELGA:
RUDOLF falls back to MICHAEL)
TENTH:
Sapt & Helga
Flavia & Girl Rudolf & Michael
Hentzau & Fritz
FRITZ: (to HENTZAU) Whatever you are plotting, you and Michael will never get away with it.
HENTZAU: Aw, you’re so cute when you’re angry.
FLAVIA: (to GIRL) I can’t wait to get out of these shoes.
HELGA: (to SAPT) Was Michael flirting with Flavia, or is it just me?
SAPT: I really didn’t notice. But I’d watch out for Hentzau.
MICHAEL: (to RUDOLF) I can offer you a hundred thousand crowns and safe conduct to the border if you will -- abdicate, and give up this little game, Mister Rassendyll.
RUDOLF: But what will become of your guest at the castle?
MICHAEL: I believe he will meet with an unfortunate accident.
RUDOLF: And if I refuse?
MICHAEL: I believe you might meet with an unfortunate accident.
RUDOLF: Give me three days to think it over.
MICHAEL: Three days. No more.
(HENTZAU advances to MICHAEL;
RUDOLF falls back to FRITZ;
SAPT advances to GIRL;
FLAVIA falls back to HELGA)
ELEVENTH:
Sapt & Girl
Rudolf & Fritz Flavia & Helga
Hentzau & Michael
(Rudolf with Fritz, and Flavia with Helga, slow-dance, even though the music is still Viennese waltzes; lights begin to dim)
HENTZAU: (to MICHAEL) Did the play-actor take the bait?
MICHAEL: He seems more inclined to take Antoinette’s bait than mine. Nothing like a damsel in distress to turn an Englishman into a fool. Good thing, too -- where would I borrow a hundred thousand crowns?
HENTZAU: You really love your work, don’t you, Chief?
MICHAEL: I don’t know. Sometimes I get so sick of being Black Michael, all the politics, the intrigue. the power plays. Sometimes I wish Antoinette was all I was -- that I could chuck it all and devote myself to my act in Paris. But I would hate to disappoint my supporters.
HENTZAU: I hate to break it to you, Chief, but you don’t have all that many supporters.
MICHAEL: What about my well-attended rallies?
HENTZAU: We pay those people.
MICHAEL: All of them?
HENTZAU: Three Swiss francs a head. It comes out of your marketing budget.
(blackout; music ends; clock strikes three)
- 2
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you.
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