Return to Zenda! (stage play) - 6. Act II part 2

(FRITZ and RUDOLF arrive at FRITZ’s estate near Zenda - interior)

FRITZ: This is my family’s old Zenda estate. My old room is just upstairs. Would you like to see my train collection?

RUDOLF: Not just now, Fritzi. How far are we from the castle?

FRITZ: Just a few minutes’ ride.

RUDOLF: (pacing) This waiting is agony.

FRITZ: Don’t worry. Flavia has everything planned to the last detail. Now save your energy -- you will need it tonight. You will swim the moat and climb to the back door.

RUDOLF: --Where the key is under the doormat.

FRITZ: No, it’s under the flowerpot next to the doormat.

RUDOLF: Right. And then I kill the guards --

FRITZ: You wait until Antoinette screams. Then you kill them as they rush out.

RUDOLF: Right, right. And then I let down the drawbridge.

FRITZ: You have to free the King first.

RUDOLF: Of course. I’ve got it. Really.

FRITZ: Then it’s a simple matter of lowering the drawbridge, capturing Michael and Hentzau, ensuring that Antoinette is safe, and escaping with the King. In any case, we have Flavia to take care of anything unforeseen.

RUDOLF: Oh, I’m sure we won’t need to rely on her. We can handle this. Still, I miss her. Her mere presence makes me feel that everything will turn out right.

FRITZ: And Helga will be with her. I don’t envy anyone trying to oppose those two, let me tell you.

RUDOLF: Flavia, Flavia! Oh, how I love her!

FRITZ: And how I love Helga!

RUDOLF: Not as much as I love Flavia.

FRITZ: Oh, but I do, just as much, and more!

RUDOLF: Do not.

FRITZ: Do too.

RUDOLF: Do not. Every moment I am away from Flavia is a torment.

FRITZ: Well, every moment I am away from Helga is--is hell!

RUDOLF: Every moment I am away from Flavia is all the tortures of Hell and Purgatory combined!

FRITZ: Every moment I am away from Helga is--well--it’s worse than that!

RUDOLF: I love Flavia so much that if she were here right now I couldn’t stay away from her!

FRITZ: I would be drawn irresistibly to Helga if she were here!

RUDOLF: If Flavia were here I’d take her in my arms--thus! (takes FRITZ in his arms) And I’d kiss her passionately -- thus! (kisses FRITZ passionately)

FRITZ: Well, if Helga were here, I’d do the same thing, and she loves me so much, she’d kiss me with just as much passion -- thus! (kisses RUDOLF even more passionately)

RUDOLF: I’d be so overcome with emotion that I’d throw her right onto the table top here! (throws FRITZ on the table top) Thus! And she loves ME so much that she’d cry out to me--

FRITZ: “Rudolf! Oh, Rudolf!” And Helga would cry out to me--

RUDOLF: “Fritz! Oh, Fritz!” And you would cry to Helga--

FRITZ: “Ah, Helga!” And you would cry--

RUDOLF: “Oh, Flavia!” And passionately she would implore me--

FRITZ: “Take me! Take me right here, right now!”

(RUDOLF carries FRITZ offstage, from whence these lines are heard:)

FRITZ: (falsetto) Oh, Rudolf!

RUDOLF: Flavia!

FRITZ: Helga!

RUDOLF: (falsetto) Fritz!

FRITZ: (falsetto) Flavia!

RUDOLF: Helga!

FRITZ: Rudolf!

RUDOLF: (falsetto) Fritz!

FRITZ: Rudolf!!

RUDOLF: Fritz!! (shouts, groans, etc.)

FRITZ: Helga!

RUDOLF: Flavia!

(RUDOLF and FRITZ return, exhausted and disheveled)

RUDOLF: God, I love Flavia!

FRITZ: God, I love Helga!

RUDOLF: And how Flavia loves me!

FRITZ: And how Helga loves me!

RUDOLF: I never imagined love could be--

FRITZ: That it could be like this.

RUDOLF: It’s hell being away from her.

FRITZ: And being away from Helga--I can’t stand it. Oh, Rudolf, I can’t bear it. (tearfully) Hold me.

RUDOLF: (holds FRITZ tenderly and consoles him) There, there, old chap.

(knock)

FRITZ: Who could it be?

RUDOLF: Well, find out.

(FRITZ opens the door; HENTZAU enters)

HENTZAU: I only wanted to ask if the play-actor had considered my offer.

RUDOLF: I most certainly have not, you debonair rascal.

FRITZ: What offer?

HENTZAU: But my, my, I see I’m interrupting. Just look at you two. So much in love.

RUDOLF: As it happens, yes, we are in love, a word which means nothing to the likes of you. I am in love with Princess Flavia.

FRITZ: And I am in love with Countess Helga.

HENTZAU: Wow. You don’t have any idea, either one of you, do you? Okay, it’s not my place to burst any bubbles. But Mister Rassendyll, my proposal doesn’t interest you?

RUDOLF: I am a man of honor.

FRITZ: What’s been going on between you two?

HENTZAU: A man of honor, and not a bad liar, either. Well, I tried. And I think we’ll run into each other again before this is over. Until next time, then, ladies. (exit)

FRITZ: What was that all about?

HENTZAU: He offered to help me be King if I helped him kill Michael and take his place.

FRITZ: (relieved) Oh, is that all. I mean, shocking! Such dishonour! Count Michael’s men are all a bad lot, but Hentzau is the worst. He will stop at nothing. He murders!

RUDOLF: Despicable!

FRITZ: He drinks to excess!

RUDOLF: Horrible!

FRITZ: All the world knows he broke his mother’s heart.

RUDOLF: Unforgivable.

FRITZ: He blackmails!

RUDOLF: Appalling!

FRITZ: He has sex with women!

RUDOLF: No!! Eeeeew!! Feh! The blackguard! Why, the very idea!

FRITZ: I tell you, he is no gentleman.

RUDOLF: Clearly. He has none of the breeding instilled in a good English public school.

FRITZ: Yes. If he had gone to an English public school, he wouldn’t treat women so.

RUDOLF: Wouldn’t even think of them that way.

FRITZ: A gentleman doesn’t want sex from a lady.

RUDOLF: I’m English -- Please don’t bring the subject up again. (hugs FRITZ) Now, no more unpleasantness.

(blackout; lights up on MICHAEL and HENTZAU at the castle)

MICHAEL: So, they are falling right into my trap. Soon we will have the Englishman as well as the King.

HENTZAU: I thought we was gonna kill the English guy.

MICHAEL: We can’t kill him right away! We have to wait for the right time and place. We have to make it look like an accident. We can’t just kill him here.

HENTZAU: This is complicated.

(groan from offstage)

MICHAEL: Oh, what is it now?

HENTZAU: The King again. I tell you, he is high-maintenance.

MICHAEL: Throw him another crust of bread.

HENTZAU: Oh, he don’t want bread. He has to have pasta. And not just any pasta. Nothing too spicy. But it can’t be bland either. And he has to have Parmesan, not Romano. Jeez, the catering bills! The guy’s eating us out of the castle.

MICHAEL: How did I end up in this position? All I wanted was to be King. Is that so much to ask? And to do that, I have to marry Flavia, and I don’t even like her.

HENTZAU: Listen, Boss, did you mean what you said about wishing you could give up all the politics and plotting and go to Paris and just be Antoinette?

MICHAEL: It’s such a tempting idea.

HENTZAU: Well, we can do that.

MICHAEL: How?

HENTZAU: Easy. We let them win.

MICHAEL: What?

HENTZAU: We let them rescue Miss Muffet downstairs, we lose the fight for the castle, we get driven into exile, we slip out never to return. And we both end up in Paris. We let them win.

MICHAEL: (shudders) “Let them win.” (begins to shiver violently, then goes into a full tantrum) No! No no no no no no no no no no no! I can’t let them win! I can’t let them win! No! No! No! NO!! (lying on the floor, kicking, beating his fists on the floor)

HENTZAU: (rubbing MICHAEL's back) C'mon, deep breaths, deep breaths. Unclench those little fists. C'mon, shake 'em out, shake it out, let it go. That's it. (MICHAEL has shifted to fetal position; HENTZAU takes a lollipop out of his pocket, unwraps it and lifts it to MICHAEL's lips) Open the trap door and let the lollipop prisoner in. There, that's better. (holding MICHAEL tightly) Everything's gonna be all right. You're gonna be OK. Sh, sh sh sh sh. I got you. I got you.

MICHAEL: (dissolves into a blubbering mess, then gradually gets hold of himself and sucks the lollipop greedily, clinging to HENTZAU; at last sits up) All right, how exactly would this work? Not that I’ve agreed to it.

HENTZAU: (shifts position) You’re all set to scream at midnight, right? Well, all we have to do is... (whispers in Michael's ear)

(fade to black)