Return to Zenda! (stage play) - 7. Act II part 3 (end)

(lights up on SAPT and RUDOLF, exterior, by the castle - side playing area)

SAPT: This is it, Mister Rassendyll. This castle is where all our fates will be decided. And after you swim the moat, it is you who will decide them. You must save our King.

RUDOLF: I am ready.

SAPT: You could swim the moat much faster if your entire body were shaved. I have my razor right here.

RUDOLF: Sapt, it’s only fifteen feet.

SAPT: Fine. Do it your way. I’ve only been advising kings for thirty years. What do I know about it?

RUDOLF: We really don’t have time. Everything hangs by such a slender thread as it is.

SAPT: You’re right. It’s an outlandish plan. But it is the King’s only hope. It’s difficult to explain how I feel about my King. It is how one feels about one’s own child, or about the woman one loves. I was privileged to be the one who trained the King, even disciplined him, praised him when he did well, and when he did not measure up to the standard of a king it was I who whipped his tight little perfect royal butt -- once he even forgot himself and called me “Daddy” –

RUDOLF: Yes. I see. Fritz, is that you over there?

SAPT: And what would happen to Ruritania, if our King were killed? For all our plans might still go awry. Then you, Mr. Rassendyll, would be our only hope. You would have to become King.

RUDOLF: There are others of the blood royal, surely? A cousin, perhaps, who could--

SAPT: And you are so like the King, not just in appearance. Maybe even more than he, you have the potential to be molded into a great leader. Of course, I would do the molding myself. All you have lacked in life is some direction, some discipline--

RUDOLF: Let’s not speculate needlessly--

SAPT: I could give you that discipline.

RUDOLF: Fritz, over here!

FRITZ: (enters) Yes, Rudolf! Are you ready?

RUDOLF: Can’t wait.

FRITZ: Knife? Sword? Brandy? Compass? First aid kit?

RUDOLF: Yes, yes, yes. And Flavia will be here?

FRITZ: Oh yes, count on it, though she didn’t say exactly when. Be careful, Rudolf. Everything depends on you being as silent as possible.

RUDOLF: Yes. Wish me luck.

FRITZ: Good luck, Rudolf!

SAPT: Good luck, Mister Rassendyll!

(RUDOLF climbs down; fade to black on side playing area; lights up in the castle)

MICHAEL: What’s taking him so long?

HENTZAU: Easy, easy. Even the play-actor couldn’t botch this. It’s too bad that our guards are going to have to die.

MICHAEL: Well, we all have to make sacrifices.

HENTZAU: I never really liked them anyway.

(sounds offstage: thumps, things breaking, clangs, perhaps RUDOLF swearing or yelping in pain)

HENTZAU: (rolling his eyes) Smooth. We’d better get upstairs. (MICHAEL and HENTZAU exeunt)

(more noises; then door creaking loudly; RUDOLF enters, dripping wet, takes a position in an unobtrusive corner)

RUDOLF: Steady, Rudolf. You’re doing this for the woman you love. Fritz. I mean, Flavia.

(clock begins to chime twelve)

MICHAEL: (offstage) (screams in Antoinette’s voice -- continues screaming) Aah! Help! Oh, help! Rupert Hentzau is ravishing me! Oh, won’t someone help a poor defenseless woman?

(Two GUARDS rush onstage, followed immediately by FLAVIA. RUDOLF engages GUARD 1 in swordplay, while FLAVIA takes on GUARD 2)

RUDOLF: Flavia! I’m so glad to see you! I had no idea you could handle a sword.

FLAVIA: But of course I can, Rudolf! For I --

RUDOLF: Yes, yes, you’re of the blood royal.

FLAVIA: I was going to say I took lessons. Rudolf, you’re dripping wet.

RUDOLF: I swam the moat.

FLAVIA: So did I. You’re supposed to bring a change of clothing and carry it over your head. (FLAVIA kills GUARD 2)

RUDOLF: Sorry. I’ve never done this sort of thing before.

FLAVIA: I just hope you don’t catch cold.

(GUARD 1 wounds RUDOLF. FLAVIA kills GUARD 1)

FLAVIA: Rudolf, you’re hurt! I will lower the drawbridge (pulls a lever) and get you a doctor as soon as we rescue this mysterious prisoner! You still haven’t told me who it is.

(FRITZ and SAPT enter)

FRITZ: Rudolf! You have done it!

RUDOLF: I had a little help. (loses consciousness)

MICHAEL: (screams again in Antoinette’s voice, then enters) So! You have uncovered my nefarious plot! (draws his sword) I would stay and thwart you, but I must rescue the woman I love!

HENTZAU: (offstage, falsetto) Oh! Michael, help! Hentzau is taking liberties! Stop it, you fiend!

MICHAEL: (to SAPT) It seems I do not have time to prevent you from rescuing the prisoner! --who is down those stairs, to the left. (MICHAEL rushes off) (offstage) So, Hentzau, it is true that you had designs on Antoinette!

(SAPT goes offstage to release the prisoner)

HENTZAU: Yes, Michael! What do you intend to do about it!

MICHAEL: (Antoinette’s voice) Oh! Don’t fight him, Michael! He’ll kill you! (sound of swordfight) (Michael’s voice) Take that, villain!

HENTZAU: Take that, Duke!

MICHAEL: (Antoinette’s voice) Oh! No! (Michael’s voice) Aaugh! (thumps, sound of trap door, loud splash or sound of toilet flush) (Antoinette’s voice) Oh, not the moat! Don’t send Michael’s poor dead body down that conduit into the moat! No one will ever find the body!

HENTZAU: You’re coming with me, Antoinette! You’re my ticket out of here!

(HENTZAU enters, holding a knife to ANTOINETTE’s throat)

HENTZAU: Make one move and Antoinette dies.

FRITZ: Stay back, Flavia -- he means it.

FLAVIA: Don’t hurt her!

HENTZAU: I want a horse on the drawbridge and a ten minute lead before anyone follows us.

ANTOINETTE: You’ll never get away with this, you -- you bad person!

HENTZAU: I think I will. How about it? Get me that horse!

FRITZ: Very well! My horse is there, just on the other side of the moat -- take it!

HENTZAU: I will, thank you very much! (exit, still holding his knife to ANTOINETTE’s throat) (offstage) Ha ha! Farewell, play-actor! (sound of horse galloping away)

FLAVIA: “Play-actor”? What did he mean?

SAPT: (dragging the dummy-King onstage) Rudolf! Oh, my little King!

FLAVIA: That is the prisoner?

FRITZ: Yes.

FLAVIA: Who is it?

SAPT: It’s the King, can’t you see? Ach, my poor little boy!

FLAVIA: Then -- (pointing to RUDOLF) he is not the King?

FRITZ: No, Your Highness.

FLAVIA: He is not of the blood royal?

FRITZ: No.

FLAVIA: Have I been consorting with a mere Duke? Or God forbid, a Count?

FRITZ: Neither, Highness.

FLAVIA: He does have a knighthood, at least?

FRITZ: I’m afraid not.

FLAVIA: (clutching at straws) Medical degree?

FRITZ: No.

FLAVIA: Beauty school?

FRITZ: No.

FLAVIA: So he’s a –

FRITZ: A commoner and an unlicensed hairdresser, Your Highness.

FLAVIA: Oh! (faints)

(blackout; lights up on RUDOLF, bandaged. Outdoor scene - at the border)

RUDOLF: In a few days I was fit enough to travel. All was well in Ruritania. The rightful King was on the throne, and soon to marry the woman I loved. That murderous Rupert Hentzau escaped with Antoinette de Mauban, and the body of Black Michael was never found. It’s probably in the moat, but we really didn’t want to look down there -- it’s rather icky.

FRITZ: (enters) Rudolf -- you are going, then?

RUDOLF: Yes. Back to England. Nothing holding me here. Unless – is there some reason you wish me to stay?

FRITZ: Yes, I do, because, you see—

RUDOLF: Yes?

FRITZ: I’m getting married.

RUDOLF: Oh. I mean, congratulations. Splendid.

FRITZ: To Helga. We’ve been engaged for ages. An arranged marriage, you know.

RUDOLF: But you love her.

FRITZ: Oh, yes, we get along famously.

RUDOLF: And you want me to stay – because —

FRITZ: To be my best man.

RUDOLF: Oh, of course. It would be an honor. I would like nothing better, but—I’m long overdue as it is.

FRITZ: We owe you everything.

RUDOLF: I’ve led quite a life these past months. It’s just a pity it wasn’t my own. Now that it’s time to leave, I feel as though I’m forgetting something.

FRITZ: Your bags are packed? You have everything?

RUDOLF: Yes, it’s not that. More as if there was something I was supposed to do. Something I’ve left undone.

FRITZ: Ah, you’re speaking now of Princess Flavia.

RUDOLF: (hesitates) Yes. That must be it.

FRITZ: Who knows? You may be back. The King might need a double again.

RUDOLF: I’m not such a good double. Although I once fooled you for a moment, and had the privilege of seeing you look at me as if I were your King. (turns to go)

FRITZ: Rudolf – (RUDOLF turns back; FRITZ kneels and kisses his hand) Heaven doesn’t always make the right men kings!

RUDOLF: Fritz – (after a moment, pulls his hands away and leaves abruptly)

(blackout)

(A year later - somewhere in Switzerland.)

HELGA: (carrying heavy suitcases) Gentlemen! Do not dawdle! The hotel will hold our reservations only until three o’clock. (aside) You would think they hadn’t seen each other in twenty years instead of just one.

RUDOLF: Oh, Fritz! Switzerland is just not the same as Ruritania.

FRITZ: But here we can meet safely. And here I can bring you Flavia’s message.

RUDOLF: Flavia! It’s been a whole year. How is she?

FRITZ: She misses you terribly. She married the King six months ago.

RUDOLF: Faithful to duty, always! And Sapt -- how is he?

HELGA: Sapt and Flavia never really got along very well.

FRITZ: He has moved to America. New York City. He has opened a barber shop -- the only one which offers a full-body shave. It’s very popular.

RUDOLF: Good for him. And what message does Flavia send for me?

FRITZ: Flavia sends you this rose – and this kiss. (kisses RUDOLF passionately)

RUDOLF: Oh, God, I miss her. To think I may never see her again. Give her this kiss from me. (kisses FRITZ passionately) And deliver it promptly, as soon as you get back.

HELGA: Oh, I’ll take care of that.

RUDOLF: Shall we meet again, same time next year?

FRITZ: Oh, yes. But not here, next time. I was thinking of a charming little inn in the French Alps where we could meet. The scenery is breathtaking. (They walk off arm in arm, followed by HELGA carrying the luggage) And the food! The chef is a genius. I never would have believed such things could be done with goat...

HELGA: Men!

(blackout)

END