Window Stories - 12. Chapter 12

Susan did not come into the room the next morning. A young aide cleaned up my room and took my breakfast order. I was worried because we had set up a meeting with Colin at ten to discuss her son. I was afraid something had happened at home to prevent her from coming to work.

Jason came into my room at nine to take me to the PT room. The room was filled with patients, and they kept calling out for him to help them. When he wheeled me back to my room, he apologized because he hadn’t spent much time with me.

Colin arrived just before ten. He seemed disappointed when I told him that Mrs. Sullivan hadn’t shown up earlier. “I talked to my supervisor,” he informed me. “I got the okay to talk to Stanley. He was concerned that I didn’t have much experience counseling young people, but I told him that I had handled a few cases involving college students when I was interning.”

We were discussing Stanley when Susan entered the room. She seemed very upset and depressed. I asked, “Are you okay, Susan?” She shut the door before she walked over and sat down beside Colin.

“I’ve had better mornings,” she sighed. She reached for a tissue and wiped tears from her eyes before continuing. “I had to go to court today,” she said. “Randy, my husband, is contesting the divorce settlement.” She started to cry and wiped more tears from her face. “I had hoped that we could settle it quickly and move on. However, he doesn’t want me to have the house and car.” She started to cry uncontrollably. “I’m afraid it’s going to get ugly. And then there’s Stanley to worry about.”

She broke down and cried for several minutes while Colin and I just sat and looked at each other. There wasn’t much we could say. We could deal with her son, but there wasn’t much we could say about matters concerning the divorce.

When Eloise filed for divorce, I didn’t contest anything. I knew I was to blame. I left her everything except for the money we had in the bank. I needed to start a new life myself, so she did agree that I could have half of the money we had saved. It wasn’t a large sum, but it did provide me enough to rent a decent apartment. With the small salary I was getting teaching, I was able to live comfortably.

After a few minutes, she looked at us and cried, “I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m at my wit’s end.”

Colin took her hand and held it. “Let’s talk about this, Susan. May I call you Susan?” She smiled slightly and nodded. “First, do you have a lawyer to handle the divorce?”

“Yes,” she replied. “My brother-in-law is an attorney. He’s representing me.”

“That’s good,” said Colin. “What is your husband challenging?”

She cried and replied, “Everything. He doesn’t want me to have anything.”

“That’s not possible,” answered Colin. “As a married spouse, you are entitled to as least half of everything.”

“I understand that,” replied Susan. “But Randy wants to sell the house and split the money. I’m fighting to stay there, but he wants me to buy his half, and I just don’t have that kind of money.”

I asked, “Are we talking about a lot of money?”

“Yes,” she cried. “Almost $175 thousand dollars. I’m just a nurse. I can’t afford to give him that. He’s insisting that we sell the house.” She broke down again. “Where will Stanley and I live?”

I had an idea, but I didn’t want to mention it yet. I wanted to wait and see how things would play out with the divorce settlement. Susan rose and went into the bathroom and closed the door.

“Poor thing,” remarked Colin. “I feel so sorry for her. She’s going through so much with her son and husband.” He looked hopefully at me. “We have to help her with Stanley.” I nodded just as she walked out of the bathroom.

“I’m sorry,” she apologized. “I didn’t mean to burden you with my problems. It’s just that I can’t handle much more.”

Colin asked, “Would you like to talk about Stanley? That’s why I’m here.”

“I visited him last night,” she said. “He seems to be doing a little better.”

“Did you mention to him about us talking to him?” He looked at me and nodded.

Susan replied, “I didn’t talk to him about it, but I did talk to his counselors at the juvenile center. They told me they could provide him with the help he needs, but I insisted that they let you talk to him. She took a card from her pocket and handed it to Colin. “This is Mr. Faulkner. Give him a call and arrange to meet with Stanley. It must be there, though. He’s not allowed to leave the center.”

“I understand,” replied Colin. “I’ll give him a call when I get back to my office this afternoon.” Susan and Colin rose and embraced.

“Thank you for helping me,” she said appreciatively. She leaned over and kissed me on my forehead. “You, too,” she smiled as she turned and left the room.

Colin shook his head when she left. “I feel so sorry for her,” he said. “She’s worked all her life as a devoted wife and mother, and then this happens to her.”

Colin could have pulled a knife out and plunged it into my heart, and it wouldn’t have hurt as much as I was feeling. I realized what I had put Eloise and Roger through. I don’t think either of them received counseling after I left. They had to rely on each other for support. Eloise was generous in trying to understand. I don’t blame Roger for turning against me. I deserved it. And now, I deeply regret the torment I put them both through. It is too late to ask Eloise for forgiveness, but perhaps it isn’t too late for Roger.

I rested my head back on my pillow and sighed. When I looked out the window, I saw a young man staring inside. He was holding a small child. I didn’t recognize him at first, but then I remember a picture that Eloise sent me before she died. It appeared to be Allen, Roger’s son, my grandson. The little child was Derek, my great grandson. Tears filled my eyes. Colin looked over and asked if I was all right.

“Yes,” I assured him. I sat up and stared intently into his eyes. “Measure every step you take. Don’t fuck up your life like I have.” He nodded as if he understood what I was talking about.

“Do you feel like talking?” he asked, “Or would you like me to come back tomorrow?”

“Why don’t we call it a day,” I replied. “You go back to your office and make that phone call to see Stanley.” He rose, gripped my hand and held it.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” He squeezed my hand tightly and left the room.

I read most of the afternoon. I wanted to try to rid my mind of all the remorseful thoughts I was experiencing. I thought I had come to terms with the decisions I had made with my life. However, now I realized that you can’t easily escape the past. After looking out the window and seeing Eloise, Roger and Dwight, I knew I had made mistakes. However, I’m an old man now. What can I do? Eloise and Dwight are dead. Roger won’t speak to me. I guess I’ll go to my grave with my regrets.

I didn’t eat dinner. I wasn’t hungry, and the dry meatloaf didn’t look appetizing. The mashed potatoes were runny, and the broccoli was overcooked. My aide insisted that I eat when she came to pick up my tray, but I lost my temper and yelled at her. She appeared hurt as she picked up my tray and rushed from the room.

Before going to sleep, I finished reading an online story. It was about two boys who had a relationship in their teens. One of the boys told the other he didn’t want to be involved sexually with him anymore. They separated, and their lives took different roads. One accepted his sexuality and found love with another man. The other tried to live a straight life, but he seemed to regret it. I was now for the first time in years wondering if I had taken the wrong road. Instead of living alone in a solitary room, I would be surrounded by children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. However, it was my choice, and now I had to live with the consequences of my decision. If I could turn back the clock fifty years, would I travel the same road?

I finally fell asleep, but I tossed and turned all night.

When I awoke in the morning, I knew one thing. I didn’t want to die alone. I realized the clock was slowly winding down, and I could die today, tomorrow or in five years. The time of death is an uncertainty, but one thing is certain, it comes for all of us sometime.

Death is something I had never thought about. I spent most of my life helping others deal with life. I had even saved a few people from terminating their lives through suicide. I don’t think I ever really sat down and considered the meaning of life. It just is. Now, that I’m facing the reality of death, it is becoming more concerning.

Have I lived my life fully? Is there anything I wanted to do as a young man that I didn’t do? Do I have regrets? I can answer that with a definite yes. When I die, how do I want others to remember me?

I don’t know why I’m feeling this way. But somehow, Susan’s life resonated with me. What she is experiencing is what I put my family through so many years ago. Just like her son Stanley ran away because he was gay, I, too, did the same. However, he ran because he didn’t feel his parents would accept him being gay. I could understand his feelings. I ran too, but I ran in a different direction. Roads, dammit. Why do I keep seeing forks in the road? Robert Frost wrote a poem entitled, The Road Not Taken. It ends with the writer saying he took the one less traveled, and it made all the difference. If I only knew today as an old man, did I take the road that made all the difference? I may never know.

Jason came into my room at nine o’clock. “Good morning, Phil,” he sang out. I grumbled a weak good morning, and he said, “Someone’s not in a good mood. Didn’t you sleep well?”

I mumbled, “I slept okay,” knowing it was a lie. When I started to get into the wheelchair, he stopped me.

“I want you to hold onto the handles today and walk to the PT room.” I gave him a puzzled look. I had taken a few steps, but I had never walked such a long distance.

“Why?”

“You’ve been showing steady improvement,” he said. “You’re recovering from your stroke very well. I’ve gone over your medical records with our resident doctor, and he doesn’t see any reason why we can’t try to improve your walking ability. I won’t push you too hard, but I want you to work with me.” He frowned and said, “I won’t take no for an answer.”

“I don’t think this is wise,” I grumbled as I stood and grabbed the handles on the wheelchair. I had thought for the past few weeks that I might be strong enough to walk further, but I didn’t want to tell Jason that. He walked closely behind me and held me lightly around the waist as I walked out the door and headed down the hall.

Susan walked past us and smiled. “Would you look at you,” she remarked joyfully.

I was soon tired, and Jason had me sit in the wheelchair. “You did really well, Phil. A few more weeks and you’ll be running in a 5K marathon.”

“I never ran a damn marathon even when I was your age,” I replied. I grinned and added, “I smoked too much marijuana.”

Jason’s eyes flew open, and he said, “Phil, you old devil. I figured you were one of those frat guys who wore blue suits to class.”

“My boy,” I laughed. “You have the wrong person. I was a long-haired hippy.”

“Cool,” replied Jason as he high fived me. “I’ve never met an old hippy before.”

I replied, “A few of us are still around.”

“Cool,” remarked Jason again.

Being with Jason always lifts my spirits. He’s always in a good mood and has a smile on his face. I often lost my patience with students, but Jason seems to take things in stride. He’ll make someone a perfect husband someday. Too bad I’m about fifty years too late to enjoy it.

He wheeled me to my room but stopped outside the door. “I want you to try and walk to your bed,” he ordered. I was tired, but I felt challenged to do it. If I was ever going to leave this place, then I would have to be able to show some independence in walking. Jason walked beside me as I shuffled slowly into the room.

Colin was sitting in a chair, but he rose when he saw me walking. He gently placed his hand on my arm. When he did, he looked at Jason and smiled. “You’re doing great,” he praised me. When I sat on the side of the bed, I looked at the two of them and smiled. They returned my smile and reached for each other’s hand.

“Oh,” I laughed. “Two love birds.” They blushed and released their hands. “It’s okay, Boys,” I smiled. “I’m happy for you.” They thanked me then looked over at the door. Jason leaned toward Colin and gave him a quick kiss.

“I’ll see you later,” he said as he turned, grabbed my wheelchair and left the room.

I giggled and asked Colin, “When’s the wedding date?”

His face reddened as he replied, “We haven’t discussed that yet.”

“So, you’re thinking about it?”

He grinned and replied, “Maybe.”

“You Boys are fortunate,” I said sadly. “Dwight and I could never marry. It wasn’t legal until a few years ago. It’s one of the things I regret not being able to do as a gay couple.”

“Sorry,” responded Colin. “I stopped by a bookstore last night and picked up a couple of books on Stonewall. I read how gay and lesbian groups fought hard for certain rights like same-sex marriage and job discrimination. I realize how fortunate we have it today.”

“We fought the hard fight so you wouldn’t have to,” I replied somberly. “It still isn’t perfect, but it is better than it was back in my day.” He nodded his head in agreement.

He sat back and said, “Before I left yesterday, you were going to tell me about Dwight.”

“Before I do that,” I replied, “Were you able to find out anything about Stanley?”

He sighed and explained. “Because of his age, it is very difficult to get any information. The juvenile judge presiding over his case is going to summon Susan to his office to have her sign some consent forms.”

“He hasn’t done that,” I said. “She was in this morning and didn’t say anything.”

“It may take a day or two,” he replied. “When all the paperwork is done, I should be able to talk to him.”

“Excellent. If anyone can help him, you can.”

He informed me, “I’ve also submitted your name on the request. I’m hoping we both can talk to him.”

“I don’t know how that will be possible,” I replied skeptically. “I can’t leave this room.”

“Nonsense,” he said. “You just walked into the room a few minutes ago. You can visit the juvenile center in a wheelchair.” He smiled and added, “You may be able to walk in.”

“I doubt that,” I grumbled. I may be able to walk small distances, but it tires me out. I’m going to need many more therapy sessions to be able to walk long distances. However, with each day, I feel that I may be able to do that someday.

Colin leaned forward in his chair and insisted, “Now, tell me about Dwight. I want to hear more. You said you had been together for twenty-seven years. That’s a long time.”

“Actually, we knew each other for twenty-eight years. We dated for a year before we moved in together. Dwight’s family was like yours, loaded with money. His father owned a construction company. He built and designed many of the buildings downtown. Dwight had a degree in architecture, and he went to work for his father when he graduated a few years before I met him. Five years later, he became a partner in his father’s company.”

I laughed and added, “Before meeting him, I was struggling. After we moved in together, we didn’t have any money problems.”

Colin smiled and replied, “I bet.” I looked at him and thought of Jason. If they ever became a couple, Jason would be fortunate like I had been.

“Let me see, where was I?”

“You said you moved in together after a year.”

“Yeah,” I replied. “It was, I believe, in 1978. Dwight had flown to Madrid to supervise a project. He was there for a couple of months. When he returned, we realized how much we had missed each other. I can’t tell you how exciting the sex was that first night back.” I looked at Colin and laughed. His face was blushing brightly. “We knew we never wanted to be apart again. He asked me to move in with him, and I did.”

Colin nodded and said, “That’s a nice love story.”

“We had our problems,” I said. “We were in our early thirties, and I don’t think we were still ready to settle down. I had gotten out of a bad marriage, and Dwight liked the men. I was the jealous type. Every time we went to a bar, we would go home and get into a terrible fight. I loved him, and I was afraid that I was going to lose him to another man. I put up with it for four years, and one night I gave him an ultimatum.”

“What?” asked Colin as he leaned in further.

“It was me or the clubs and men,” I said. “He got mad and left. I didn’t see him for a couple of days. When he returned, he was a changed man. He said he loved me, and he didn’t want us to break up. We talked for hours, and we decided to give it another try.”

Colin asked, “I take it you forgave him?”

“Yes,” I said as I looked out the window and saw a smiling Dwight staring back at me. Colin glanced at the window when I waved at Dwight. He gave me a puzzled look, but he didn’t say anything.

“Things changed for the better,” I said. “After two years living in his old house, he decided to build us a new one. We both were involved in the design.”

“Where did you build?”

I replied, “Over in the Silverton area.”

“That’s a nice area,” he said. “It’s not too far from where my parents live. We’ll have to drive there sometime, and you can show it to me. I’d love to see it.”

“I don’t know,” I replied sadly. “It might be hard since I had to give it up to come here.”

“Maybe you can return someday,” he said hopefully.

I looked out the window and replied, “Maybe.” Dwight was no longer there.

“Tell me more about you and Dwight,” insisted Colin.

I sat back and closed my eyes for a minute. “Being with Dwight was nothing like it was with Eloise. I had nothing to hide.” Colin’s face reddened when I added, “The sex was incredible.”

“Did other people know?”

I laughed and asked, “You mean about the sex?”

“No,” he frowned as his face reddened deeper. “I meant about your relationship.”

“His family did,” I answered. “His father wanted to keep it secret because he felt it might hurt the business. But he didn’t care that Dwight was gay. His mother treated me like a son. He had a younger brother, but he avoided us. He married and had a couple of kids. He never said anything, but I think Dwight embarrassed him.”

“That’s what I’m afraid might happen if I come out to my family,” he remarked.

“You’ll survive,” I said. “Anyway, things were great. Dwight’s business flourished, and he made a ton of money. I was financially able to take a year off from work and go back to college to get a master’s degree in psychology.”

Colin said, “That’s my goal.”

“You’ll do it,” I assured him. “When I returned, the school system hired me back as a high school principal. I did that for five years. However, I was burning out. Kids were changing, and all I found myself doing was having parent conferences all day because of disciplinary problems in the classroom. When a counseling position became available at another high school, I took it.”

“Were you happy?”

“Yes,” I replied. “It was stressful, but it was a different type of stress. I didn’t take my job home at night and unload it on Dwight. It was easier to talk to a student than an angry parent. I dealt with a lot of issues, but one that was becoming more frequent was dealing with gay and lesbian students. Coming out was beginning to become popular.”

“I’m sure you made a big difference in their lives. You could identify with what they were going through.”

“It was hard at times,” I replied.

“What do you mean?”

“It was still the 1990’s,” I said. “Things were getting better, but I still couldn’t come out publicly. Our friends knew that Dwight and I were gay, but I still couldn’t openly introduce him to my colleagues as my partner. They knew I was gay, but we just didn’t speak about it. We even had a few colleagues to our home for dinner. The principal and his wife came for dinner a few times. Nothing was said, and we never talked about it.”

“That’s strange.”

“It’s how it had to be,” I insisted.

Colin nodded his head and asked, “What happened to Dwight?”

I looked out the window and saw an emaciated man looking in. It was Dwight, but he wasn’t the man I lived with for so many years.

Tears welled up in my eyes, and I replied, “He died.”

“How?”

“AIDS,” I began to cry.

Colin reached over and gripped my arm. “I’m sorry, Phil.” He continued to rub my arm as I wept.

When I stopped, he suggested that we should wait until another time to talk about it. That is, if I wanted to. I assured him that I would.

After he left, I lay back, looked out the window and cried at the pitiful sight of Dwight looking sadly into the room.

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