Gemini - 2. The Public Pool

I was usually a total morning grouch; therefore I was pretty surprised when I woke up around 9am in a good mood and ready to get up. I was determined to forget all the worries about my parents, Parker and his threats. I wanted to enjoy my day at the public pool.

I brushed my teeth, grabbed my backpack, put in the map I printed the day before, a towel and my swimming trunks, and got down the stairs as quickly as I could without running. When I came into the kitchen I wrote a note for my parents, packed a few sandwiches for the day and rode off on my bike.

Even with the map, it took me a while to actually find the pool. I didn't care though, at least I saw a bit more of Albany and it was a nice Saturday morning.

I secured my bike to the fence in front of the public pool, bought a day pass and changed in a cubicle. The pool was pretty empty at this time of day and I preferred it this way. To me that simply meant there were no kids I had to look out for when I was swimming my laps. The only thing I was here for was having my peace while feeling the water on my body.

As soon as I got into the water, I felt at ease. The water carried my weight, and it felt like it also carried all my worries. I pushed away from the wall and started swimming, lap after lap; just enjoying the sun, the water and the movement. Occasionally, thoughts of Parker tried to break into my mind but I successfully pushed them back. He could terrorize me at school but here I was alone, without him. Whatever little bit of peace I had here, I was not going to give to him, too.

I had been in the water for almost an hour when a group of teens around my age arrived at the pool. I didn't know any of them, so I guessed they must have been from a different school. They laid their towels out on the lawn and some of them started a game of Beach Volleyball on the field close to the water.

While swimming my laps, I glanced at them every now and then, and saw how they interacted with each other. It was the typical horseplay you would see among some young people at a public pool.

I didn't want to attract any attention, so I was very careful with my glances and only looked over when it wasn't obvious. The friendship and warmth among them was obvious and it made my heart ache. I usually pretended I didn't want to have anything to do with teens my age. Most of them were stupid anyway, or didn't have the same interests as I had. But the longer I watched them, the more I longed to be like them. To not only read and swim and stick to myself, but to hang out with people who cared for me and who I cared about.

Only, what was I to do? Should I go over and ask 'Hey, can I join you?' I guess not. How embarrassing would that be?

So I kept swimming my laps for a while longer, unnoticed, and alone, except for a few older people who did the same. After a while I decided I had enough and left the water. I took a short shower and then laid my towel on the lawn far away from the pool and all the people.

I applied some sunscreen to my skin, laid back and closed my eyes. My skin was pretty pale and even though I usually didn't get much suntan, I hoped this summer I would get at least some. The weather this spring had been mostly bad, so up to now I didn't have much opportunity for that.

However, the laughter and the other noises the wind carried over from the other teens didn't let me rest for long and I turned to watch them interact, hoping one of them would come over and ask me whether I wanted to join. It was not to be. When it got late, I packed up my stuff and drove home.

It was a rare occurrence that my parents were home on Saturdays, but today they were. Entering the house, I could already hear my father throw insults at the TV. He was probably watching something about the democrats again. When he was in this mood, it was best to avoid him. Only, I had to pass the living room in order to get upstairs to my room.

"Joshua, isn't the swimming club currently closed?" My mother asked when she spotted me, trying to pass unnoticed.

"I went to the public pool," I explained. I wanted to add: 'Thanks, and how was your day?', but thought better of it. A comment like this could end badly in my father's present state. It wasn't like he would beat me with his belt, something that did happen before, but I could definitely expect a slap or two for that. Those I knew to better avoid because when he hit, it hurt. Modern parenting was also a foreign term to them, I guess.

"Your father and I will go out tonight. There is food for you in the kitchen," my mother informed me. Great! At least I didn't have to eat with them today.

"Those damn democrats. What is wrong with this world? If it goes on like this, soon fags can marry and then what comes next? Marriage with animals?" My father interrupted us. The words stung.

"It's bad enough the schools are perverting facts and teach the kids that fags are born to be fags, and that they are not sick. Joshua, did they teach you that bullshit, too?"

"Uhm... I- no, I can't remember that being a topic..." I lied. I could feel how my face started to turn red. I had to get out of here before my feelings boiled over. Luckily my father took my expression as a sign that even the mere thought of this would disgust me, and not that it was him who sickened me.

"You will fight them and succeed, dad, I believe in you." I said, and smiled at him. "I'll be in my room."

My father smiled back at me; I turned around and fled the room. It was kind of paradox that I've never really called him 'dad', except when making a statement like this one. As long as my father believed that I totally agreed with him, I was safe. Only, in reality I saw things a little differently than he did. There was this secret I had, those three big words I was sure I could never tell him: ‘I am gay.’

I've known it for two years, but I knew I could never let anyone know about it. My parents would disown me, in the best possible scenario. My father would probably lose his mind if he ever found out. I feared he would actually shoot me. It sounds exaggerated, but to me it seemed possible. Either way, I would at least get the beating of my life.

Therefore, it was always clear to me that my parents should never find out. At least not until I was done with university and far away from them, probably on the other side of the country. If something like that were the case I would worry a little less about it. Maybe some time in the future.

I didn't really care about their money. There were more important things in life than that, at least for me. Money can't buy happiness and I was living proof for that. In case they cut me off later I was sure I could live with that. I was more worried about what might happen to me when I was still completely dependent on them, as minor without an own place to stay at and so on.

School and pretty much every other moment in my life meant total self-control. There was no looking at hot boys at school and at home, I had to be careful about what I said and how I reacted, especially in situations like this one. Only, the problem was it’s been becoming more and more difficult.

I dropped down on my bed and sighed. 'You will fight them and succeed, dad, I believe in you,' I repeated my own words in my head. I felt like I had just signed my own death sentence.

I tried to calm down and focus my thoughts on something more positive. Sunday I would go swimming again. Maybe the teens would be there again. Maybe this time something would happen that gave me a chance to get to know them. I closed my eyes and my thoughts drifted off to one of the boys I saw in the group; one that had immediately caught my attention.

He was the most energetic, the craziest of the bunch. He was rather small, maybe close to 5'3’', but appeared to be around the same age as the others. I didn’t see too much of him, because that would have required staring, and I didn't want to risk attracting their attention. I used every single opportunity I had to look at him, though. From what I saw, he had blonde chin length hair and the cutest face I've ever seen.

I don't know why I was so drawn to him. Probably because I wanted to be like him; full of energy, easygoing and self-confident.

Maybe I would have more luck tomorrow.

♊

Part of my duty as the picture-perfect son was to attend the service on Sunday mornings. I had to fight hard with myself to manage to get up in time because I had spent half of the previous night thinking about my life and listening to depressive music, more than it was good for me. Then I mostly read some stories about boys like me. Reading gay teen stories online was pretty much the only thing I dared to do about my being gay with a father like mine.

I had far more knowledge of computers than my parents did, hence I knew how to keep this secret, not that they ever looked for it. I never gave them a reason to doubt that I was as pure as the driven snow, but still, better safe than sorry.

I got into my suit after taking a quick shower. I hated Sundays. I hated suits, too. Being well-off certainly had its nice sides, but I just didn't see why my parents thought that we had to act like we were perfect. I thought, if god exists, he probably doesn’t care much about what we wear. After all, he created us naked.

I was glad I got out of going to Sunday school when we moved to this place, although up to this date I do not understand how I managed that. Maybe my father had hated it himself when he was young and had a moment of mercy.

The service was over quickly. As always when the preacher started his sermon, I just switched my brain off and let all his comments about sin, and how we would all end up in hell, trickle down on my skin, like raindrops, instead of actually letting them get into my system. I had perfected this years ago, when I first started doubting all of what my parents and the church were teaching me.

After the service, we went to eat lunch at some fancy restaurant, and with that my family duty for the day was fulfilled. As soon as we got home, I grabbed my backpack and left the house.

♊

Full of anticipation, I rode to the pool. I was hoping to see the other teens again. As soon as I got out of the changing rooms I saw them playing at the beach volleyball field. I was tempted to just go over and talk to them but then I backed out and slid into the water. Swimming my laps, I watched the boy I had so much thought about yesterday evening. He was happily bouncing over the volleyball field. He certainly wasn't tall but he successfully made up with his sheer endless energy.

It seemed, with every minute I watched him, he got cuter and cuter. I felt like I was obsessed with him. I didn't even know his name yet, but I felt this strong urge to get to know him.

About an hour later I left the water and went to lie on the lawn for some more suntan, only this time, way closer to the teens than yesterday. I sprawled out on my towel and closed my eyes to relax and dream about one of them coming over and inviting me to join them. Only a few minutes later, I heard someone calling something that ripped me out of my thoughts: "C'mon J, I don't want to wait forever."

What? Certainly there was nobody here who knew me by J. I opened my eyes and looked around. The teens had apparently decided to leave, but one of them was still standing on the volleyball field, stuffing his towel in his backpack. "I'll be right there." he shouted back.

I looked at him. I hadn't seen him the day before; probably because he wasn't there then and this day I must have missed him because I was so busy looking at the cute boy. He was about my size and his hair was a little longer than mine and had exactly the same color. I couldn't see much more of him since he had turned his back towards me.

After he left, I remained on the lawn for a while, cursing myself that I hadn't had the courage to just go over and start a conversation with one of them. I felt so weak and stupid. The weekend was over; the next day was Monday, so it would probably be a full week until I would see them again. That was if they would even be here next weekend.

When I was done with wallowing in self-pity, I got up, grabbed my towel and trotted dejectedly to the changing rooms. By the time I got there, the other teens had already left and the hallway where the lockers and entrances to the cubicles were was completely empty. I had gotten my clothes and just wanted to enter a cubicle when I saw Parker turning around the corner and walking down the hallway towards me.

He spotted me in the same second I spotted him. A sinister grin spread across his face. I wanted to jump in the cubicle quickly but instead I froze right where I was. I felt how panic started to overwhelm me and heard my heart throb loudly and quickly.