Gemini - 22. A Dreamlike Weekend?

Josh

All I felt around me was peace and calm. The room was lit up with deep orange light and the blanket lay like a protective cover over Ethan and me. He was cuddled up to me and I could feel heat emanating from where our bodies touched. His arms slowly sneaked around me from behind and he pulled me closer, causing a deep sigh to come from my lips.

“I love you,” he whispered, his fingers gently circling over my chest.

“I love you, too,” I breathed and closed my eyes, savoring the moment. I had never felt something comparably great; quiet sighs escaped my mouth as his fingertips brushed over my nipples and then my belly.

All kinds of flashbacks replayed behind my closed eyelids. Ethan, who protected me from Parker, and later introduced me to Jacob. Ethan, without whom I would never have succeeded pretending to be Jacob, and who was always there for me. Ethan, a mischievous grin on his face as he convinced me to strip down in front of his watchful eyes in the locker room. A small angel with a heart of gold and a body like Adonis.

His wet lips kissed down my neck and then he nibbled on my ear lobes, making me shudder in a rush of sensory overload. He didn’t let that deter him and I had to squirm out of his embrace in order to escape his teeth. After a short, playful tussle, I finally managed to get away and we were lying face to face, him grinning, me panting.

For a few seconds we remained as we were. Then Ethan laid a hand on my shoulder and slowly pushed me on my back, moving with me so that he ended up sitting over me. Our eyes locked and his hands started to glide over my shoulders and arms, and finally reached my wrists, holding them tight and pressing them into the mattress.

I could feel him through the fabric of our boxer briefs and suddenly the air around me seemed to become very hot. He leaned down and pressed his lips on my mouth while starting to grind his hips against mine. His tongue hesitantly flicked over my lips making my heartbeat jump. I parted my lips and shyly felt my way into his mouth. Our tongues meshed in a wet kiss, getting more and more passionate as the seconds and minutes flew by, neither of us seeming to get enough of the other.

Muffled moans escaped from both of us as we explored every square millimeter of each other’s mouths. Still locked in the kiss, he picked up the speed of his hips grinding against mine and I moved in sync with him.

The door sprang open with a loud bang, causing us to jump away from one another. Ethan, now sitting next to me, pulled the blanket up to our necks as quickly as he could while I was staring at the door in horror. There stood, with an almost purple face, my father, angrier than I had ever seen him before.

Time seemed to stop. I was paralyzed, tried to find an explanation, to say that it wasn’t what it looked like, but I knew it was futile. My biggest nightmare had come true.

Then he stormed at us and ripped me out of the bed, his hand holding my arm with a painful iron grip. I tried to resist, to wrench myself from him, but the more I struggled, the weaker I seemed to become. When he started hitting me, I gave up the fight and coiled myself up, trying to protect my body from him. Tears started to leak from my eyes and ran down my cheeks.

During his beating, he let loose an unintelligible mixture of insults, curses and other disparaging words. I tried to cover my ears with my hands, or to block it out, but it was to no avail. After agonizing minutes he was finally done with me. He let me slide to the ground and turned away, however, not before giving me a few kicks for good measure.

I looked up to him and saw his murderous eyes, fixating Ethan. At that moment, I got really scared. I tried to say something. Tried to beg him not to hurt Ethan. I would’ve given my life to protect Ethan’s. Yet my voice failed me. No matter how hard I fought, I couldn’t produce a single sound, nor move.

Slowly he pulled out his gun. I had no choice but to helplessly watch him aim at Ethan in slow motion. And then he shot.

The world around me stopped. Everything was dulled, as if a wet, thick blanket had been thrown over my head. I sat there, trying to comprehend what had just happened. Every second seemed like an eternity. Little by little, my surrounding came back into focus, first the colors, then sound.

I went into a rage, started screaming and trying to hit my father. I felt so much hate in that moment, everything I saw turned red and I had tunnel vision. My heart was racing and I felt like I was hyperventilating. Something grabbed my shoulder, attempted to pull me away from him. I fought to break free, but without success. Instead, something grabbed me from behind, held my arms to my sides and engulfed me in a sort of hug. I wanted to resist, wanted to fight, but was too exhausted.

An odd warmth and calm spread through my body and smothered every thought of resistance. The colors around me began to blur and with a last look at the bed, I broke down sobbing. “Ethan.”

“I’m here Josh, everything’s gonna be okay,” a voice spoke from behind me.

“Ethan,” I sobbed once again, and the colors completely dissolved into darkness.

“Wake up Josh, it’s only a dream,” I heard a soft voice.

It took me a few moments before I realized what had happened. I opened my eyes to see nothing but darkness. On my neck, I could feel Ethan’s breath. Only then I realized that it was him who had woken me up and who also held me in an embrace. I suppressed the reflex to get distance between us as quickly as possible. It was too late to be ashamed and the warmth and protection his closeness gave me was far too comforting to just give up. Instead I took several deep breaths and relaxed.

“I’m sorry I woke you up,” I murmured.

“That’s alright, it happens,” Ethan replied soothingly. Instead of letting me go, he pulled me even closer. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No,” I said, a little too quickly. “No… but thanks.”

“Okay,” he whispered after a while. “But if you change your mind, I’m here for you.”

“I… thanks,” I replied.

I wondered whether Ethan had simply held me in his arms because of my nightmare or if there was more to it, but was way too tired to make any sense out of it. Instead I remained as quiet and unmoving as I could, fearing he would let me go as soon as he realized what he was doing.

When sleep began to claim me, I finally dared speaking again. “Thanks again, Ethan. Good night and sleep well.”

“For you, anytime”, Ethan murmured sleepily. “Good night.”

♊

The next day I woke to the tickling of sunbeams on my face. The room felt oddly empty and when I opened my eyes, yawning and stretching, I realized that Ethan was gone. Suddenly, I remembered the events of last night. Had I dreamed all of it, or had Ethan really held me after my nightmare? Somehow, it seemed too good to be true.

I could hear the shower running, so I decided to remain in bed until Ethan had finished and was back. Slowly the details of my dream came back to me, haunting me. What if something like that really happened? Would my father actually hurt Ethan? Logic dictated it was unlikely, he would never get away with it, but then again, if it was a heat of the moment thing, I could see him doing exactly that, and the thought terrified me. What if he really was a danger Ethan?

I shook my head, trying to forget. This wasn’t helping me, and anyway, as long as I didn’t bring Ethan back to my house for a make-out session, something like that could never happen. I had been scared for as long as I could remember, but that was finally changing now. I wasn’t going to let some silly dream drag me down. The past weeks had given me an idea of what life tasted like. I wasn’t about to give that up.

My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the door opening. I looked up and saw Ethan entering, only a towel wrapped around his hips, hair still wet. I took in that image for a second, and resolved that at some point during that day I would figure out whether I had a chance with Ethan or not, no matter how afraid I was. I was tired of my own stunted, small self-confidence that had ruled my life for so long.

Our eyes met. “Good morning,” I greeted him. “Did you sleep well?”

“And good morning to you, too,” he replied, grinning at me. “I most certainly did.”

I waited for a moment, hoping he would say something that would tell me how he felt about last night, but when he didn’t, I got up. “I’m gonna take a shower.”

“Alright, see you at breakfast,” he said, walking over to the wardrobe.

I lingered at the door for a moment, looking at his back as he was digging through the drawers for a change of clothes. His towel fell to the ground leaving him in nothing but his birthday suit, but he didn’t seem to care. He just stood there, unaware of me watching him, longing for him, taking his time to find something to wear. I imagined what touching his skin must feel like. To be close to him, to run my fingers over his bare back… the idea caused my heart to burn up with a desperate need for closeness and love.

Finally, he pulled fresh boxer briefs from the drawer and started putting them on. I didn’t want to be caught bluntly staring at him, so I quickly turned away and headed for the bathroom. The image of his body, however, remained in my mind, giving me further resolve to make a move on him before sun set.

After a quick shower and spending a lot more time in front of the mirror than necessary, I made my way to breakfast. Ethan was just putting a glass of milk down on the table when I entered the kitchen. He looked to me and gave me a bright smile, the milk moustache on his upper lip causing my lips to curl into a wide grin.

I sat down opposite of him and his mother started loading heaps of bacon and eggs on my plate. Except for some words between his parents it was mostly quiet, as Ethan and I were too busy shoveling food into our mouths.

“What have you boys planned for today?” His mother asked us after we finished eating.

“I was thinking we could go to the park, just to hang out and chill”, replied Ethan, his eyes directed at me questioningly.

I agreed immediately. “Sounds good.” Spending all day alone with Ethan? A chance this good I would probably not get a second time. Instantly my brain started analyzing the situation again. Had he deliberately suggested something that would involve only the two of us, maybe even planned to do this for days? Did he have similar thoughts as I had? Was he trying to figure out if I was gay? Or did he just want to spend some time with me, as a friend, and there was no deeper meaning to it?

Lost in thought, I stood up and knocked over my glass of orange juice in the process. It happened so suddenly, I just stared at it while the puddle on the table grew. “I’m sorry, I’m really sorry,” I babbled, still standing there, frozen. In near panic I looked around, trying to find something to wipe up the mess. My face was red as a tomato, I was so embarrassed. Why did this have to happen to me?

“Don’t worry, no harm done,” Ethan’s mother told me, putting a hand on my shoulder to calm me down. “What’s wrong Jacob? You’re not usually like this.”

Ethan had already found an old towel and was cleaning up the table. At his mother’s words, he immediately gave me a warning glance.

I took a deep breath, trying to get a hold of myself. Forcing myself to relax and then shrug, I managed to appear as calm as possible. “I’m just still half asleep and didn’t expect it, I guess. This was enough of a scare to wake me up good, though.” Instead of looking for her reaction, I turned away to help Ethan. After the table was clean and the dishes were put away, we packed a small backpack and left the house.

I spent the whole walk furiously thinking about something I could do to get closer to Ethan, or to find out whether he was gay, but I came up empty-handed. Should I just ask him? That could ruin potential chances because it was too direct. Should I try innuendo again? That had a certain appeal, but thinking about it, I’d been there, done that. Also, taking that too far could end up being really awkward. Maybe a simple quick kiss when the time was right? I crossed that off my mind immediately; way too risky. And so it went on. Whatever I thought of, I found a reason why it wasn’t a good idea.

Ethan had been happily chattering all the while, not even caring that I didn’t really listen or respond. Only when we got to the park he grew quiet and just walked next to me, throwing me the occasional curious look. I didn’t even notice at first, but when I did, I gave him a shy smile and turned my eyes back down, looking at my feet as we walked.

Our destination was the spot where Jacob and I always met. ‘Where I had come out to Jacob’ I remembered as we were walking towards it.

“So, what’s on your mind?” Ethan asked after we sat down.

“Nothing much,” I lied. He gave me a pointed look and I hastily added: “Just what happened yesterday, and stuff.”

“You still worried about Parker?” Ethan asked, his voice soothing, understanding.

I shrugged. “I guess, but mostly I was wondering just how much of an asshole a single person could be. Looking at Parker...”

That got a laugh from him. “True story.”

I didn’t know what to say next, and apparently neither did he. Before the uncomfortable silence could spread too far, I half-faked a yawn and lay down on the grass, my arms propping up my head. Ethan remained sitting, Indian style, and closed his eyes.

I resumed thinking about him. Was he gay? I had a certain feeling about him, but that could as well have been wishful thinking. I tried to approach it logically. Ethan used a lot of innuendo when talking to me, almost as if he was flirting. On the other hand, I only knew him for a short time, so I had difficulties figuring out whether he actually meant it, or just liked to joke around.

He could well be doing it all just for fun. My reaction to it might have caused him to keep going and from there our banter had escalated. I closed my eyes, my face red with embarrassment as I imagined just how he would react if I were to hit on him because of such a misunderstanding.

Quickly I tried to focus on something else. There were those moments in the locker room and the showers, and also the fact that Ethan wasn’t exactly shy about physical contact. Most people would probably conclude from this that he had to be gay. But then again, Ethan was a very caring and empathetic person. He was probably capable of sensing that human contact and closeness made me feel safe, and sometimes that was exactly what I needed, and he had no problem to be there and provide it for me, just like any good friend would. And those times after physical education, well, even if he had checked me out, pretty much any guy, no matter if straight or gay, was curious about the other guys’ ‘equipment’ at some point during their teens. Everyone sneaks a peek, everyone compares. Knowing Ethan, his doing this a bit more openly and with a much more direct approach didn’t seem very surprising.

Was there really more to this? Maybe I simply perceived things the way I wished them to be. What if I was wrong? What if he didn’t see more than a friend in me? I knew that he had no problems with gay people at all, that was pretty obvious. The difference, however, was that I was not only a gay guy, I was also one who had the hots for him. With this, many did have a problem, no matter how tolerant they normally were. Even if everything turned out fine, and he didn’t mind at all, this would probably still hang over our friendship.

Suddenly a crazy idea shot through my head. I hesitated for a moment, but then I remembered the determination I’d had that morning. I was tired of being scared, I didn’t want to spend my whole life alone, just because I didn’t dare taking a risk. I took a deep breath, gathering all my courage. “Ethan?”

“Huh?”

“Why have you never told me that you were gay?” I asked, trying to mask my nervousness with faked curiosity.

As soon as the words had been spoken, all my doubts came crashing down on me. He couldn’t be gay. I was sure of it. I didn’t deserve someone that nice. Besides, this was real life; not like in the movies where everything turned out well in the end. Glancing at Ethan, I mentally prepared myself to be laughed at; only to see him gaping at me.

“Uh, I... uhm…” he stuttered, totally surprised by my question.

I stared back at him, unmoving, every muscle in my body tense. After a few moments of what felt like stasis, he took a deep breath and lowered his eyes, looking to the ground before him. “I guess it never came up before,” he said meekly. “Though to be honest, I’m not even sure about it myself. It’s so confusing...” he trailed off, and raised his head, his eyes meeting mine. It was obvious that he was having trouble to do so, but he still forced himself to face me. “You don’t mind, do you?”

“I… wait, you’re gay?” I blurted out, sitting up and gawking at him in shock.

His eyes widened comically, his expression of disbelief matching mine. “What?”

We were both staring at each other, neither really sure what to make of the situation. Suddenly, Ethan barked out a laugh. “I can’t believe you just did this.”

“Well, it worked, didn’t it?” I said weakly.

He frowned and opened his mouth. At first I thought he was going to get angry with me, but then he visibly deflated and all that came out was a sigh. “Yeah, looks like it. It feels weird now that it’s out. I don’t even know what to think...”

“Mm hm.” I nodded understandingly.

We were both lost in thought, his eyes unfocused, peering into the distance, me sneaking a glance at him every so often. Several minutes went by before he started slightly nodding to himself. He turned back to me.

“So, how come you’re asking?” He leaned over to me and I could see his playful grin surfacing again. “You interested?”

“I… you… I didn’t,” I spluttered, my face getting red as a beet.

“I’m sorry,” he hurried to say. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. That was a stupid thing to do. I hope you don’t think I’m some weirdo, or, well...”

He stopped speaking, leaving an awkward silence between us. Meanwhile, my thoughts were running a mile a minute. Should I tell him I was gay? Should I tell him I was in love with him? Just because he was gay didn’t mean he was interested in me, or did it?

I opened my mouth to speak, but only managed to produce a croak. Clearing my throat, I steeled myself for the inevitable. Now that I knew it was safe, I at least had to tell him I was gay. It was only fair, or so I tried to convince myself.

“Don’t worry Ethan,” I softly said. “I’m not freaked out or anything.” I closed my eyes, although I knew I had no reason to be afraid. Only after repeating the words several times in my head did I manage to actually utter them. “I’m gay, too.”

An incredible feeling of relief washed over me. It was like a ton of bricks had just been lifted off my chest. However, when Ethan still hadn’t said anything after several seconds, I worriedly glanced at him, trying to see his reaction.

He was grinning. “I thought so!” he stated, winking at me.

My expression of relief immediately turned into one of alarm. “You did? Is it that easy to notice?”

Seeing my distress, he put up his hands as if to stop me from freaking out. “No, Josh; nothing like that. I’m just good at watching people. I’m sure nobody else knows, and to be honest, I only had some suspicions. It’s not like I knew for certain.”

“Are you sure nobody else noticed?” I asked, still feeling on the edge.

He rolled his eyes. “Yeah, Josh. I’m sure.” He smirked. “As long as you’re not using as much innuendo with other people as you do when alone with me, you should be fine.”

“Maybe you’re right,” I admitted, then frowned. “I hope you are.”

“I’m always right,” Ethan replied cockily.

“Whatever,” I said, but couldn’t suppress a grin. “Anyway, if you were so sure I was gay, what about all you just said? You know, about being sorry for hitting on me, and asking me whether I had a problem with you being gay?”

“Oh, that.” Ethan looked at me sheepishly. “Well, I suspected you might be gay, but I didn’t know if you’d realized it yourself yet. I know it sounds stupid, but I didn’t want to fuck up by pressuring you or anything.”

“That makes sense,” I acknowledged. Neither of us seemed to know what to say next, but luckily the sound of my phone vibrating spared us another awkward situation.

I pulled it out and checked the display. “It’s from Jacob,” I told Ethan, and motioned for him to scoot over so he could read it, too.

Hey!

Your mom just told me that we won’t be back before late Sunday evening. I suggest we meet up Monday morning before school to swap back. Also, my phone is about to die and you forgot to pack the charger, so you’ll probably not hear from me before Sunday night.

Enjoy your weekend!

With Ethan still looking over my shoulder, I typed a quick reply, saying that meeting before school on Monday sounded fine, and to enjoy his weekend. Only when I was done, I noticed just how close Ethan was sitting to me. His breath softly touched my neck, making me freeze on the spot. I wanted to lean back into him, feel his arms around me, but at the same time, I was extremely scared that he would reject me.

“Does he know about, you know... you?” Ethan asked abruptly.

“He, uh… yeah,” I stuttered, struggling to ignore the turmoil of my emotions and concentrate on talking. “I told him right at the beginning. I don’t know why, but I just can’t lie to him. It seemed wrong to not mention it.”

“And he’s cool with it, isn’t he? That certainly explains his sudden change of view on homophobia,” Ethan mused. “I’d been wondering about that.”

“Yeah.” A happy smile spread across my face. “He’s been awesome. I wish more people were as accepting as he is. If my parents knew...” I trailed off and gulped. “I don’t even want to think about how they’d react. They’d probably kick me out without any hesitation.”

Ethan engulfed me in a hug from behind. He didn’t say anything, though his message was clear. I sighed. “Thanks Ethan,” I whispered, and leaned against him, finally relaxing.

“For you, anytime,” he murmured.

With every second I clung to him, the feeling grew that I should break up the hug if it wasn’t meant to be more than just that; a hug between friends. At the same time, I wanted it to be more, hoped that Ethan would never let go. My conflict was solved when he released me, causing a sting of disappointment in my heart.

I turned my head around to see him pushing himself back a foot, grinning at me. Before I could react, he grabbed me and gently pulled me down with him, until I was comfortably lying in his lap, my head resting on his chest.

“Is this okay with you?” Ethan whispered.

Not trusting my voice, I simply nodded. And then I snuggled closer to him, enjoying the feel of his fingers running through my hair, wishing it would never end.

Yep, I'm back! Sorry for my long absence from GA!
I'm glad this chapter is finally done. It was quite a pain at times.
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it and I'm looking forward to hearing your opinion.