Etienne 10 Days before Christmas The first snow fall was last night and slowly accumulate since.
So so cold
It`s cold despite the heat
Was all he could think off and as he pulled the blanket tighter around him, he tried not to think deeply about it. The house heavy with silence except for the sound of fire woods crackling. Somehow it didn`t helped one bit, and only helps add to the deafening silence. The snow outside absorbs all sounds, how he wish it did something to his mood. He felt confined, as if trapped in those weird sound canceling pod and for once he regret for turning his phone off.
His hands tremble he could feel his heart drop at the thought of his phone switched on and facing his problem. He will take the silence over the problem bearing on of his shoulder like Atlas at the moment. So all he did was flopped back, and hugged his bolster pillow tighter.
’It`s so cold’, He thought. Deep down he knew he meant a different kind of cold, where soft blanket and endless supplies of firewood could not replicate.
He misses the warmth that a lover can give upon returning home, the one where you knew there was someone waiting for you to come back.
A reason to go on.
The warmth where one would wake due to the smell of cookies, pies and bread early winter morning. The heat in your soul when you have something to look forward too or the heat of your lover`s embrace on winter afternoon, time is at your expense.
It was the warmth of love exchange between two people, the feeling of safety and that time itself reserved just for the two of you. His eyes burned, he could feel tears brimming as he tried to hold them back. By the gods its painful, why did he decided to fall in love?
“and so lonely.” He whispered quietly to the space that confined him.
”Had only you take your rage and pain, turning them into a weapon your deadly tongue can wield. We could have be in a different place.” A voice whisper in his mind.
He shut it out and focus around the room.
Pale shades of purple and orange decorated the room, old world clash with modern. The furnitures marble white, Greek. The soft shades of grey walls painted for cold sky and bring out the other colours. It was meant to represent the soft colour of petals when spring first come to him. It was meant to symbolize his favourite orchids and when the first flower sprout from the soft snow. Something delicate, warmth that seeps inside your soul instead of the burning summer heat.
Who knew spring could look and feel so cold now?
Ten days before Christmas and he was lonely, no friends he felt could understand him at the moment and he only have two of them. He could`t trust the rest of the people in his life, those who would look so genuine, who seems loyal and lend a helping hand yet talked behind his back.
Clariss never gave up. She found a new love and her family ever by her side to support her. Her life looks bright with future and happiness ahead. Looking at her hurts.
Donovan, Donovan was alone but he wasn`t lonely. He could dine alone in a restaurant filled with couples and family and feel secure. He was comfortable being alone and private.
But he was not Donovan and definitely not Clariss. He was lonely not because he lacked option but because he couldn`t trust. He couldn`t trust if a family`s friend would saw him with someone and report back.
And most important of all, he could not trust if it was someone his family sent to approach and dig information about him or anyone close to him. Years since he ran away from his family and his neck is still tied by an invisible short chain. Yanked by an invisible master.
He could not trust, at least not since 12 month, twelve days and three hours ago. He had chocked as soon as he mentally recite the numbers out. He had counted, damn him.
Normal. That was all he wanted. A little bit of normalcy in his life.
To have friends,
a family, His heart ache.
A lover. He winced.
It has been a while since he felt this feeling within him. It was almost foreign. Almost, since he had felt it with every waking moment since he was born until a few years ago. Fear. Fear that he learned to tampered down and tamed. He is feeling it now. He could feel the chills on his skin despite the blanket, despite the warmth of being alive. His heart pound. What does he truly wish for?
If only he would get up and perform the solutions he chalked up. If only he had the energy to face the possibilities of failure and try again like a beast ramming against a thick steel door with pure determination.
But all he did was lay down There was so many things and it caused his chest to constrict in anxiety but he did know one thing.
He wanted to run.
Author Note: I spend 1 hour looking how to update the chapter, thank you to everyone who reads it. I am sorry if my writing skills are rusty, its been a while since I write anything so I would welcome any feedbacks. Did it give you the feeling of depression as it should be?