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I haven't posted a blog in a while, but I was compelled to share my thoughts on this. Recently, someone shared an amateur porn video with me. It was of a supposed “Dom” taking his sub over his knees and spanking him. Normally, that would be good subject matter, but this one, like so many similar ones I’ve had the displeasure of viewing over the years, is about the Dom causing the sub as much pain as possible, alternating between bare hands and a paddle, while the sub squeals and squirms beneath his weight. During the entire spanking session, this “Dom” focuses his attention solely on the webcam that is filming the scene – obsessed with how he looks as the World’s Most Awesome Sadist. The narcissism and egotism projected is astonishing. And extremely disappointing. Meanwhile, the sub he’s dominating is subjected to pain without any purpose, clutched in the stronghold of a man who cares more about how he looks on camera than about the boy in his arms. Do I know who this couple is, or how they are together when the camera is off? No. Maybe they only just met. Maybe they've been together for years. If a Dom and a sub mutually choose to film a scene like this, then I suppose I can’t argue with that choice. However, this is the type of online manure that confuses and misguides what D/s Life is about. Inflicting pain without purpose is pointless. Choosing to use a sub like a rag doll – or, in this case, a prop for a homemade movie – grates against my every nerve. There’s an inhumane, torturous aspect to this kind of scene. It’s also gravely inaccurate. At least, to most of us in the Life it is. The deep emotional connection that a Dom and sub can share is something to be celebrated, not portrayed as a power play with only one winner. There is little room for egotism in a Dominant person, and a sub should be revered as a partner, not a puppet. Not to mention providing proper after-care, which means being kind and nurturing and supportive to a sub as he/she comes back from the sub-space you’ve transported them to. A Dom who cares little to nothing for the sub in his arms doesn’t deserve to have one, in my opinion.

This blog is more about BDSM and D/s from my sub, tim and his conversation with a fellow sub molly's, perspective. Many of you know molly and she is the sub belonging to her Sir, Phil. These two met on GA, when no one they knew were ‘out’ as submissives. For a long time tim wasn’t, he hid this from people but grew tired of hiding. When he opened the Drop in Centre, he asked me for permission to come out, and though I had some reservations, I gave it. You’ve heard a lot from me and MacGreg also about how we ‘became’ Doms, or how we knew, but we don’t hear from our subs much. The other day tim lost his self control, he embarrassed and angered me, and also caused Mac to have to speak to him. That type of behavior I cannot just let go, I had to address it, which I did. This was discussed in the previous blog thread. molly and tim talk … A LOT … and at some point mentioned to Mac they’d been talking. Mac, I understand wondered about the subs perspective. That comment got these two thinking and they asked me, Mac and Phil if they could offer up a recent conversation they’d had. It takes place after tim had been disciplined by me. To set minds at rest, there’d been no physical discipline other than me removing tim’s collar. Most of it is loss of privileges as tim explained in the previous blog thread. (The conversation that follows has been edited slightly. These two have their own language!) **Because of health issues, and meds, that tim and molly have, Phil and I are both rather watchful about these two and their eating. Much to their dismay at times! So they talk about food often. So with all permissions in place, and explanations done, here is a recent Hangouts conversation: T: You don’t have to (chat) if you're watching something hun M: Phil Sir is so funny, He ran to the store to get something with Tori and came back with all kinds of healthy things for me to eat T: oh like what? M: oh, if i don't do this while watching the movie, i'll be asleep in a heartbeat! T: still tired? M: He brought avocados, deli sliced turkey, my favorite sandwich rolls, and some french onion dip and chips T: oh nice M: no, not really tired, it just happens when i watch movies T: oic i'm gonna try to stay up for another hour.. oh man i'm tired M: well, it should be slow T: what is slow..LOL besides me lol M: work, tomorrow T: oh yes.. maybe.. we'll see … oh! Sir went to the kitchen and put the kettle on.. i said i'll look after that, Sir. He said, "tim, relax, I'm not looking for a Stepford sub. I'm here, I'll do it." M: He really is something else T: He is ... He said “Just do as I ask you. But you're not my slave, boy." M: at this point, i know, it's hard not to jump at every movement and want to do everything T: He came in from the other room. i know.. i feel like i should do everything … M: I’m familar with that feeling T: do you feel that way all the time? M: there was one time, i made Phil Sir really mad, like, He actually yelled at me. I can’t remember now what privileges i lost at that point i didn’t have many privileges i have now. i just remember the feeling of being on pins and needles for days. No, i don’t feel that way all the time unless i’ve messed something up. T: wow … i can’t believe Phil sir would yell at you. M: it hasn’t happened in years. We were still in Colorado and we moved back here when Daughter started 6th grade and she’s a senior now. T: OIC … don’t think Michael has yelled at me. He doesn’t seem to be a yeller. He usually goes quiet and is kinda scary when He’s upset. M: Phil Sir doesn’t usually yell either, but i felt very small. i don’t remember why it happened, only how i felt. Never, ever want that feeling again. T: no … hugs … its not a good place to be M: no it’s not. And it’s why i want to do everything i can to help you now because i *KNOW* T: thank you! …. last night when i was so angry, after i said what i did to you, i PMd Mac Sir. While what i said wasn’t directed at Him, it was a rant filled with a lot of swearing. His reply was short and He suggested I talk to Sir about Respect. i wanted to crawl under a rock …. M: Yeah, a big rock! T: Yeah … man …. M: Soooooo… you were talking about making the muesli so you could put it in the fridge At night for breakfast? Did you get a chance to do that? T: yes.. i bought ten containers... i'll set them up once a week for us both. M: oh good! do you have one for tomorrow (edit: tomorrow was New Year’s Eve Day) T: yeah 😀 M:good! T: i dont have to think about what to eat now… M: i like that in the morning since i don't like to eat then anyway if it's a grab and go thing, so much the better T: yeah you can take it if you want.. M: lol! want? no i'd have to take it T: you yes.. Me? yes or no..lol M: lol! T: 😀 M: still awake? (it was later in the evening) T: yes.. i was given a nice cup of tea M: 😀 T: This, Sir making this tea, .. makes me feel like i've been taking Sir for granted in a way.. does that make sense. M: yes totally cause here He is doing this seemingly small thing for you because in this situation, it's like so obvious what He/They do for us is that what you are feeling? T: yes and i feel like i've only been halfway here all this time (tim means in our relationship) M: it's been a year full of growth for you, hasn't it? T: has it? .. i feel i haven't been reading the same script as Sir ... and now i've been knocked back to start over with this correction. . and this time i want to do it right M: i really think it has been, you've come out, again, you've knocked down some of the trust walls, wearing short sleeves in public, the special project, the ropes, the piercings T: yeah i did that .. and there were moments where i felt this closeness during those times... but this correction, this discipline makes me feel i’m really His.. really connected M: sometimes, it takes something like this to make us see these things T: yeah you're right. i was starting to see.. to trust Him ... but now, now i really need to trust Him, and hear Him. And removing my collar, He's taken away my security.. He has it M: tim He's always been "it" it's hard though sometimes we want to do it ourselves T: yes … yes… but i didn’t see it i've had to do it myself.. to survive there was only me. well jeff, but he'd sell me out whenever it suited him M: and we forget, or deny, that They are our strength i didn't have a jeff, but my mom always compared me to my sister even as adults T: i’m glad you didnt have a ‘jeff’ M: mine was a different kind of survival, but survival of the self nonetheless T: yes.. only circumstances are different.. the mental thing is the same M: yes it is so we need to remember that our Sirs, our Doms are in this position because we need, crave, that strength and at the same time, because we've had to be strong in the past, it can be hard to give it up (Here molly posted a picture. It's her current avatar. I can't post it here but it says:) Sometimes a submissive is a STRONG person looking for someone STRONGER. T: when i was on the street. all i wanted was someone to take me off it.. someone who would really look after me M: i can totally understand that T: Michael didn't rescue me.. i did … well being nearly dead did Sir came later but He saw something .. and i felt it and i fought it a long time in some ways but i think...i think i finally get it M: this life we lead, it is a never ending journey of self discovery T: i need to remember that M: and i don't mean to say that life itself isn't also, but i think because we live the way we do, it's just MORE T: yeah you're right it is more ... it is real, and amazing, and it's honest i can be who i am .. and Sir can be who He is and you can and Phil Sir M: there can really be no hiding in our lives, He needs to know if i've had a bad day, so that if He asks me to do something, i'm in the right place emotionally i think, in other relationships, hiding that shit is easier T: yeah i guess it would be... in other relationships i could not be who i am M: and how utterly miserable men like Phil and John Sir, and Michael Sir would be T: yeah. They couldn’t really be what they are, at least not fully I don’t think M: i love being able to talk about this with you T: me too M: 💓 T: love you too i think this is what our Sirs hoped for our sub PM somewhat M: i'm sure it was, and i'm sorry that it didn't work, it'd be nice to have other voices, but i'm eternally grateful that you reached out in the PM T: me too M: what time will you have to be up for work tomorrow? T: oh i could sleep in until 7am i get up early for some time alone M: sorry was distracted by dogs and teens T: 😀 no worries M: well i'll be bundled off to bed soon, just had one of those big jaw cracking yawns, caused Phil to look at me with a raised eyebrow lol! T: yeah.. you get some rest i'll head off too, Sir gave me the arched eyebrow emoji M: LOL! T: hehe M: that emoji! ok we'll both get some rest T: yeah that..lol i'll see you tomorrow.. thanks i really needed this M: anytime T: 😀 M: it was good for me too to put it all into words T: that’s good.. see you tomorrow.. nite nite M: tomorrow then, rest well (That was Saturday night.. they are still talking Sunday morning….tim is already at work) M: hi hope you rested last night and that today at work it's quiet T: hiya yeah after bawling in Sir's arms i slept great i hope you did too.. sleep i mean M: aww hugs T: He was telling me what was gonna and not gonna happen over the next few weeks.. i was already emotional.. He did have me wake Him so He could drive me into work today. M: i did sleep pretty good. i saw that He drove you to work T: He'll get me if He can.. if not He said take an uber "I do not want you out in that cold, tim!" M: yeah, you don't need to be waiting on a bus in this so, it was an emotional conversation at bedtime? T: i was emotional all night really.. and when He started to tell me all the details of His discipline, i couldn’t hold it together, but He just hugged me and said, “you know why.” Well yes i do. Sigh M: it's going to be a long couple of weeks T: yes it is. and the stuff you and i had been talking about made me feel that way too.. and i was telling Him about that. M: what did He say? i hope He didn't think i was meddling T: No.. He said He was happy to hear some serious discussion. He said he was happy that i felt i was on the same page He is. And that i'm finding some meaning during this correction period. He said, its discipline boy, not punishment, I hope you understand the difference. M: sometimes, in the middle of correction, it is hard to see the difference though isn't it? T: right now .. i don’t feel like its punishment i know what i did and i know Sir had to address it. He couldnt just let it go i know there are consequences T: i'm not unhappy really.. just missing a few things.. He said, “About your collar, we'll see how things are going and i'll consider things on the 12th of January.” That's the day before our D/s anniversary celebration. M: it's nice to have a firm date for a goal! T: Yes He knows i want my collar back and especially for then I can do anything for 12 days M: yes you can! So there we have it...one of their typical chats...there are some good points made. I think it shows us they love who they are and how we live. There is no anger in tim about what's happened and molly is prepared to support him. They look for the good, see the why's and they are respectful and interested in discovery. I'm proud of them both. Questions and observations are always welcome. M

Pledge Our lives have slowly changed Not for the better I’m afraid I have to be your man again Will be The one you deserve and desire So things will change Of that be sure You will be mine again, boy Interesting session with a psychologist who is a counsellor to those of us in BDSM or D/s lifestyle, I wasn’t sure what to expect. Dr. R greeted us both, we sat, and he sat within a small grouping of chairs. He largely ignored tim at first, after asking him to sit. Then he asked me why we were there and I explained what had been happening in our lives, that we seemed to be drifting and that I felt I was the not dominant man that tim expected and deserved. So he asked, are you D/s and want to stay that way, D/s and want out, or Vanilla and want in? I said the first, Dr. R then looked at tim and asked him. tim replied the same way as I had. Then still gazing at tim, he said, “if you went into another lifestyle home and were asked to sit, where would you be now, boy?” tim pointed to the floor, next to me. The doctor continued, “Would you be more comfortable there knowing what I am and your husband is?” “Yes, Sir.” “Go then, boy.” Dr. R watched as tim settled on the floor, leaning against my leg. “Don’t think you are not respected though or that your feelings and opinion’s don’t matter.” “No, Sir.” “Good. Then let’s begin.” It wasn’t all pleasant but not meant to be I suppose. Tim related his trust issues, and how he’s unsure of what love means, though he says it often. I spoke of the recent past and how it had affected me and also my diabetes diagnosis. Together these things had rocked my world, but not in a good way. At the end of the session Dr. R said, you know the pieces of this puzzle all seem to be here. You two just need to start communicating more effectively. Today Mike you gave tim what he needed some tasks, some framework, which he needs to be a good sub. He liked our first goal which is for tim to learn he can properly trust me. We still need to define what that looks like, but tim has provided me some ideas. So the new day begins. *******************************************************

I, dressed only in black denims and boots Watch you strip down to nothing You are always unclothed, baring all to me For you belong to me, you are mine You stand at room’s centre, in submission Rising for my chair I circle you, gaze at you When my hand caresses your back you flinch The skin there still soft, unscarred, sweet You utter no sound as I walk around you I want you, desire you, control you My own manhood, hard, wanting And I could take you, but I too must wait I take your hand and pass it over my hardness No sound from you, but I see you swallow “Control it, boy,” I whisper As your own member betrays you You breathe deeply in your concentration In your scramble for control of your body “On your knees, boy. Eyes on me.” You gaze up at me as you comply I retake my seat as you kneel There is disappointment in your eyes You will learn patience, control And learn I know what’s best **********************************************

In amongst our little group online there has been a lot more talk of D/s, or BDSM lately. Which I like, since sharing information makes us more real and less something to be stared at and whispered about. I know it’s come as a surprise to some that I have a good sense of humour and enjoy a good laugh. There is more to each of us than most people think. We are not the porn-style stereotypes people usually imagine us to be. BDSM and D/s are not porn. But our life, like everyone’s has serious moments, stresses, sadness, and because of the nature of our fetishes we have to be careful, with our bodies and minds. Doms must be careful of ourselves and of those who give us of themselves; our boys and girls; our subs. There are Doms who search for boys like my tim. I’ve had people say that to me. “Where did you find that perfect boy?” Well, on paper or at first meeting he may seem perfect. he’s not. he’s a good boy, a great partner, but not perfect. No one is. Certainly not me. Our partnership, and tim being the boy he is today, has been – so far – a ten-year journey. Lots of ups and downs, and as tim says, two steps forward, one back … over and over again. Add depression, PTSD and HIV into the equation and things start to get messy. Add my own issues with diabetes and some very stressful work, well, things can get ugly pretty quick. They did. I’ve written about it before. Some of you were right here when it happened. But, what about now? Over the past year, tim has been on a long graceful curve to arrive where he is now. Today, he truly trusts me. he is open and here with me. His past seems to stay there for the most part. There have been scenarios, that I wanted to try and explore with him that previously were totally off limits. Today, though they still cause some anxiety, he trusts me to lead him through. Now he knows I won’t give him more than he can deal with. I still push but I watch him carefully. Because he would put himself in harm’s way if he knows I want something, in order to please me. I stop once I see the signs. Eventually we will get where I want to be, but slowly and carefully is the only way. Pushing too hard and too far can only damage, who should be our most precious concern; our subs. Many of you have read MacGreg’s The Process of Learning. They are beautifully written and tell the story of his method of teaching a new boy. There are many ways, but I like Mac’s. I have learned from them myself. Since I work with many subs, I have had to change my own methods. They have to suit the sub to some extent, for me. Some come for punishment, some come to learn, some are new D/s couples who want direction and advice. There are subs who only wish to clean and cook, slaves, furries, babys, only bedroom and like tim, 24/7…there is no single type. So, I have had to adapt and offer a variety of information, methods, thoughts and ideas. There are many types of Doms. The worst are the fakes, the ones out to hurt. There is no care for the mind or body of their sub. They prey on those who are vulnerable, often the subs are forced to sign away money, rights and eventually they are abandoned. Which may be the worst offence. My way with tim remains mostly unchanged, though I am adaptable. Nothing is written in stone. And because we often wish to explore things I’ve not experienced or done, other Doms are involved. That means more learning for us both, it means we need to remain openminded and willing to experience what comes. In our relationship there is no place for dishonesty, between each other or ourselves, or jealousy either. I am lucky tim is who he is because I cannot imagine sharing this life with anyone else. It is a wonderful adventure. If you haven't please do read MacGreg's wonderful: The Process of Learning Thanks for reading.

i am grateful for many things in my life. i have been Michael's collared sub for nearly ten years. i am grateful for that. i am grateful for all He does for me and for us. i am truly grateful. i am not very good at showing that i am. i am not very good at telling Sir that i am. my rules have become blurred, and lazy and i do things by rote. i am working to correct this. many subs greet their Dom in the same way ... we kneel and our Dom pulls us close into their body and holds us there. there may be more but not always. it is a time to reconnect and part of that is their scent. when i am upset or distracted, Michael's scent can calm me as much as the hug. it is home and safety. Touch is part of that too. Most subs like to be close. i have ensured lately that i thank Him, while i kneel there, before He releases me. He does much so i do not have to; things like laundry, shopping, and prepping dinner. He looks after me, thanks me for cooking, or washing His back, or for making His tea. I asked Him once why, saying he shouldn't need to thank me. He smiled at me. "Of course, I must, boy. you need to know you are loved and that I am grateful for you too." That He is is very humbling to this boy. i love this Life. That i am in it, is because of Him. thank You, Sir, this boy is properly grateful.

Something happened yesterday that tossed me off the rails for the evening and halfway through the day, today. Well, not off completely but it has made me think - a lot. i have a tendency to just say things. Often i shouldn't, and things that are to me a joke, are not always taken that way. Especially when it is about something relating to my/ our lifestyle. Most of you who read this blog, or my work know i am a submissive. My Sir, Dom, Husband is Michael. When i made the comment i did, it was a joke. However, a comment later made me realize again, that perception is reality. And because i was not mindful, because i did not pay attention to who was seeing what i wrote, or would see it, well i was reminded again of perception and reality. i knew i had disappointed. Michael, who keeps an eye on me and what i do online, later saw it. He spoke to me about it. When He was finished, i sighed and said, okay i understood. He said, "There it is boy, even in the sigh. you do not 'get it'. " He put me on my meditation stool where i was to remain for an hour, thinking. "Tomorrow, boy. I will see a blog about this, won't I?" i replied, "Yes, Sir." ** Here, let me explain, if you are interested in D/s or BDSM as a lifestyle. If you are serious and i get PMs from people who are, who often ask about it. Then know this, you will do a lot of thinking, and self exploration. It is part of it. Learning about yourself is a huge thing, not for the weak. If you are a sub, will likely be on your knees facing a corner or blank wall. You will be silent as will the room you are in. However, your Dom will often check on you. This is a time to learn, not a punishment. A time to meditate and see clearly, the better path. Afterward, you will be rewarded with a talk, and a hug or kiss. Subs are greatly loved, but much is expected in return. As it should be. Subs should be focused, modest, diligent and trusting of their Doms. None of this is easy and we often fall back, but the one we disappoint, is also the one that holds us up. They are the ones who help us on this journey.** When Michael released me from my contemplation, He wrapped in a warm blanket, and held me close. We talked about the sigh and what that meant and i do 'get it'. i am a reflection of Him, of His teaching and badly timed comments reflect on both of us in a negative way. They affect the spirit too in a negative way. i am human, i make mistakes. i can only promise to try ... and that is all that is wanted. Thank you for reading. Feel free to ask questions if you have them.