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Found 12 results

  1. Stayed home today to, as the boss said, try to "reset" myself. Work has been stressful recently, but it always is this time of year; just seems extra stressful this year. I know part of that of loss -- of my love, of my aunt -- and part of that the weather, which has been keeping my pain level much higher than normal. Consistent high pain makes it difficult to deal with the stress and increases my depression; increased depression makes it harder to deal with the pain; and soon I'm "circling the drain" so to speak. I know my coworkers are concerned about me.
  2. Hello All, I hope everyone is having a good 2019. I’m alive, so there’s something positive to say about it. I logged on the other day for a bit. First time in months. I tried before, but just couldn’t. I’m writing this message for those who sent private messages with concern. I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder as a teenager. Anxiety has been my sidekick through life. Managed by meds, but it can’t always be controlled. Dealing with people, crowds, and many other things set it off. Only amplified by my blindness in certain situations. Anxiety also has played into confidence. Doubting myself, not feeling worthy. Something which led to isolation. Self destructive behavior and harming myself. Therapy, and lifestyle have always been what I turn to and how I coped. Along with writing, meditation. However, in dark times... Your routines just aren’t enough anymore. The last year was rough, but I kept getting back up. A breakup I didn’t see coming, some health issues. It came to a head after taking my mothers ashes home to Connecticut and the family plot. I’ve had a tenuous relationship with my family. Always an embarrassment and never good enough. Needless to say... The trip was too much. I left early. Some things just will always be. Even with 15 years away. The year started with increased panic attacks. So bad that it felt like a heart attack, or limbs were frozen for long periods. The worst came when I became agoraphobic. I’ve never been afraid to leave the house before. Completely debilitating. Again, the cycle of doubt, being useless... Why am I even here? I have new meds, and things are slowly getting better. I’m leaving house for short periods. Seeing friends again. I’ve also been told I’m dealing with Seasonal Affective Disorder this year. I would get the “Blues” in Jersey. This is a first for Vegas. It was a colder and darker Fall/Winter. We had snow multiple times. So now I’m doing light therapy daily. Just didn’t want people to still worry. I’m slowly finding passion in things again. Things involving large crowds are a process. That includes sites with many people to interact with. It can be overwhelming and paralyzing. Sending you all my best and deepest gratitude. jp
  3. Had my second counseling session yesterday. Honestly not sure how effective they are. Things are, ever so very slowly, getting better. Getting easier to think of the good times and the memories without hyperventilating or collapsing into a pile of tears. Doesn't look that professional when it happens at work. Biggest hurdles for me are still the guilt of not having told him that I loved him -- even though I know he knew I did, and I know he felt the same way about me; and letting go of the idealized version of our next date, which would have been so very soon, when we had so many firsts planned. The feeling of having waited too long for those things -- even though I know that if I had pushed him too fast he would have bolted and ran. He was so afraid of being hurt again. A special place in hells for someone who hurts someone else that badly. Still odd random things that will trigger a wave of pain and grief. I love you my baby - you will always be your daddy's boy. 💗
  4. My friend S had me call the cemetery yesterday, to check to see if C's family had ordered a headstone yet, or if they needed more cash -- those things are expensive. The cemetery sent a letter to his father, but I think they have the wrong address (they sent it within this state but last I knew, from not too many month's ago, his father lived one state over); but you'd think they would have confirmed the address they have on file??? They'll send another letter (to the same, possibly incorrect, address) saying that there is an anonymous person willing to assist with the funds needed for the headstone. S said I should just call his sister. I don't think she understands why I can't do that -- not now at least. I know - at least I think I know - the most likely reason why she didn't call me, but...... it still hurts that she didn't. And due to living with depression my entire life, there's this little voice whispering in the back of my mind that says maybe she didn't call because in spite of everything we talked about and everything we said through txt, C really didn't feel about me the way I think, the way I know, he did. We didn't discuss his family much. I'd have to hunt up her number online, but I could find her if I tried. A final reason is when we visited his grave, there was nothing there -- no other flowers, nothing; just bare dirt. It hurt so much to see that. I had expected to have to have found at least one small group of artificial flowers at least. I just don't think I could talk to C's sis without either breaking down or loosing my temper - or doing both. I hate feeling like an outsider intruding into "their business" That was at 3pm. Off and on throughout the rest of last night I had waves of crushing grief slam into me. Grief I haven't felt since the night I found his obit online. Surprised my blood pressure is still stable. Going to stop typing now. There seems to be water falling from my eyes.
  5. Hello guys and girls, I am currently developing a story and I’d like to get feedback from you. It is a three-part story; each part tells the story of one character in this unreciprocated love triangle. Here it is VERY summarized, so please forgive me if there are plot holes – let me know! (if this is NOT the right place for this, please forgive me and let me know) John was a 36 years old lawyer, married to Robert, who was 25 years-old aspiring actor and brother to Daniel, a 30 years old executive assistant. John and Robert had been married for five years and Daniel had just divorced his wife after four years. After that, their lives took a very unexpected turn that culminated in a terrible event. John was always devoted to Robert, from the moment they met. He made sure Robert was provided with everything, material and emotional, and Robert received it with kindness. John was the first-born in his family and his parents loved him to the point of giving him a senior partnership at their law firm. After his brother Daniel's divorce was finalized, John realized his husband was overly distracted and aloof. When confronted, Robert was defensive and aggressive, which was never part of his behavior. That drove John insane, because, for the first time, John felt he was losing control of a situation. Then, Robert began to tell John that he had to work late hours, almost every day and whenever Jonh questioned him, he would defer the explanation. John followed him after his rehearsals, consulted with his friends and little by little was getting close to a conclusion he feared: he was being cheated on. John knew that confronting him about it would only be effective when he had proof, so he waited for the right moment, but was surprised when Robert was the first one to start such confrontation. He knew all was lost then, but he also knew that he needed to let Robert know who he was, and put him in his place... Robert was a beautiful, athletic young man, with a golden heart. Although he had a tumultuous past - he was abandoned by his mother when he was 11, lived in foster homes and became a street hustler - he had hope to find a way to live a better life. His life as a hustler became unbearable when it started to involve trafficking, gang wars, and life threats... When he met Daniel at that gay club one night, he felt he saw the face of God. But because of the fact that Daniel was straight, he had other plans and introduced his brother to Robert. Even so, Robert was seduced by all the possibilities of a better life that John could give him and took the opportunity, falling in love with him, moving into his house and getting married just 7 months later. Also, at the same time, Daniel and Sarah - a long time friend of John's - got married, and Robert placed that initial feeling for his brother-in-law, down, somewhere in his heart. After he heard Daniel got divorced he began to give him support, seeing no one else was, because Daniel was very fragile and had clinical depression. To be able to give such support, he had to lie to his husband about where he was after work because of two major factors: he knew John and Daniel's relationship was tumultuous and unconsciously, a different feeling for Daniel was blossoming and he knew he had to hide it from his husband. Robert found himself trapped between his marriage and the confusing feelings for his straight brother-in-law, thus he knew he had to put an end to it and also clarify some dark aspects of his marriage... Daniel was just 6 years old when his brother, five years older, came out to his parents. What he found different was that his parents actually celebrated their first-born being gay. He always felt that his parents never really liked him and the preference for his brother was obvious in every possible way. Daniel's personality was the extreme opposite of his brother: he was introverted, quiet, in the shadows and complacent. As they became older, Daniel realized that John was taking more and more control of his life, telling him what to do, who to talk to, what girls to date... During college, John introduced Daniel to a girl and demanded her to take his virginity. Everything about Daniel was conducted by his brother and his parents never interfered. It was no different when John left his parents home and brought Daniel with him to live at a mansion together. Until the day came when John took him everywhere, including to a gay club. He had a habit of leaving Daniel alone after some hours, without giving him notice. In one of those nights, Daniel met Robert. Because John had found a companion, Daniel saw that John would never stick with him for long and soon enough, John introduced a friend of his to Daniel: Sarah. She was a beautiful girl, very opinionated, strong and reminded him a lot of John. Even so, Daniel fell in love with her and they got married. Daniel devoted his life to his wife, afterall, it was the first time someone was loving him. But all started derailing when he slipped and cheated on his wife. Daniel told Sarah about it and she was ruthless. They did not separate, but she made sure to humiliate him and cheat on him with many men. After one and a half year of hell and his depression getting worse, his wife asked for a divorce. Filled with guilt and regret, he let her take every material thing they had, and he was left with nothing and no one's help or mercy. When his divorce finalized, it was like a tombstone was laid on his grave and it was the deepest gloom he had ever been in. The only person that came to his rescue and tried to help him was his brother-in-law, Robert. But despite the therapy, the medicines and Robert's attempts, John's plots, his parents denial and his ex-wife humiliation only made it worse. Daniel knew it would be hard to recover from it, but after receiving a call from his brother, he felt life was impossible to cope with. One night, in his worse moment, Daniel told Robert he had to be true to his feelings. Robert immediately left him to have a conversation with John. When they got to talk, Robert questioned John about his relationship with his brother, his lust for power and control and if he had anything to do with Daniel's cheat. John revealed his intentions and what he had done in the past but made sure to tell Robert it was out of love. When Robert told John he was in love with his brother, John laughed on the outside, but on the inside, he could not believe that his own husband was leaving him for an impossible relationship, so he reminded Robert of the life he gave him and that he knew about his past. Nevertheless, Robert decided to stick with his feelings and left John and everything behind, to go back to Daniel and finally tell him about his love. But John called Daniel and humiliated him in such way, that it would be too late when Robert got there...
  6. I'd almost forgotten I even had this blog. Figure, since I'm back, it's time I post something again, so I thought I might talk a bit about why I've been gone for so long and what's up with my mental health situation, which is a lot, actually. First of all, I've been on some medication for the past five years that eventually sapped me of all my creativity. I've been virtually unable to write for over two years, only managing to pen the odd scene or jot down a plot idea here and there, which is really fucking inconvenient for me, because writing is such a big part of who I am. I quit taking those meds this summer, and immediately, the ideas began to flow, and I got the urge to write, and I literally couldn't help but do so. Add to that my current hypomania, and this explains why I just wrote a 60k word novel in three weeks. I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder back in January. For years, I've been carrying around a major depressive disorder diagnosis, and though I've been in constant therapy during that time, it took them that long to realise what was actually wrong with me. Having the correct diagnosis is a blessing. Finally, I understand why I am the way I am. I can look back at things I've done and understand why I did them (such as the time I decided out of the blue that, to hell with the music and the writing, I want to be an astrophysicist! It was a resounding failure, obviously, as I don't even know maths). I now recognise hypomania. I understand that my depressive episodes are triggered by stress (as are my hypomanic ones). I understand what's going on in my brain and my body when I feel a certain way. And I'm on the right medication, finally. One that doesn't utterly murder my creativity. I was gone for such a long time because I couldn't write, and being here reminded me that I couldn't write. It reminded me of how shitty I felt about that, and I felt ashamed and embarrassed for not managing to finish my stories. Now, that's no longer the case. Now, I'm finishing everything. And I feel so good about it. I know I might crash at any time. Hopefully when I do, my medication will prevent me from crashing too hard. And hopefully, as has been the case during depressive episodes before I started on those fucking meds, I will be able to continue to write through it. I really hope I will. And I want to make myself stick around here, too, no matter my mental state, because honestly, I've really missed this place, and all the people here, and some of them have even disappeared while I've been gone and that breaks my heart. Still, I'm here now. And I'm not planning on going anywhere.
  7. I see that this wonderful story hasn't received a thread yet. Let the discussion begin. We keep talking about the fact that Declan is eventually going to figure out what Bailey's been doing, but its interesting to note that he's had a few opportunities to ask about it now, and he's chosen not to. I think that Declan already knows what's going on, and he doesn't want to make it more real by talking about it. It's not in his normal character, but I think we've seen that when Bailey's involved that Declan doesn't act in ways he normally acts.
  8. It's been difficult lately for tim, and frustrating for me. Depression is such a hard thing to live with, both for the one that suffers through it and the people around them. Try as he might, and I am not surprised by it, tim tries to push away the bad things he feels. It is a constant fight for him. People say he's a man, he should put the past behind him. Move on, fuhgeddaboudit! he does, a lot, but with his dad's passing, well, I wish the brain had real door that can be locked. It doesn't and it's the same for all of us I think. If your past wants to catch up with you, you rarely can out run it. Yesterday it caught up with him. Like a runaway train, it caught him, and flattened him. he is okay ... but my frustration brought out some words: Darkened Days I know that he suffers I know his world is grey Nothing that I can do, Will take his pain away I can love him with my body I can kiss away the tears But I will never be man enough To banish forever, his fears I try and show him life is good I try and point out sunny skies But it's life that's done this to him And it's that I cannot disguise He clings to me on darkened days He clings to the light I offer All I can do is hold him tight And whisper: I always be your harbour I love you, boy xo
  9. Mikiesboy

    Down Time

    Many of you suffer from depression, like i do. it's a daily fight, a life filled with cycles of sadness, blackness, like carrying sandbags when it is at it's worst. usually i shut down, don't talk, don't work, the real me is flattened under the living darkness. Michael, my husband, said, as does my shrink, to try writing about it, speaking out, though writing is the last thing i really want to do. sleep. sleep is what i want to do, only that. But i can't, there is work, right? and Michael and home. shit still needs doing no matter how you feel, right? that's what drugs are for!! a nice anti depressant for breakfast! i take it, the pill. along with my regular meds. i resent them you know.. i really do. the small handful of pills i am given daily. Michael doles them out like a nurse on the psych ward. That sounds mean. i mean He does it for me, cuz he loves me, he cares and he knows ignoring the pills is how i cope with the medical issues i have. i take them. but i still hate them. maybe that's a good thing. the hate. means i'm still alive and fighting, right? somewhere in this long, dark, tunnel i am still fighting
  10. Living with mental illness and depression is difficult. Having a partner who suffers, is also challenging, but I will not let him down. I am proud of him and he is worth all my love and effort. I watch the ghosts of your past Swamp and overwhelm you Though I intervene, too often Their pull is greater than my power But always I will be your tether And safety net, I will not let you fall
  11. I dunno but i’m just going to write down everything that is running through my head right now. but I honestly do not understand any of this. It started with small argument between my parents in the past year or so, slowly building up getting more and more severe over small things neither would listen to the other because the other wouldn’t listen to them. Things got worse but they concealed it from me and my little sister who is still ignorant. Slowly my dad got more and more possessive and controlling, while my mother slowly ceased to really care. They got agitated over more and more trifling subjects. It took a while but things started to look up when it seemed like my sister had a shot at getting on the junior british squad for her sport. The pair of them went to the pub, it seemed like a normal evening of mid november, but when they came back they came back separately. My mum went to go back to bed and my dad smashed open the back door and started screaming at my mum, and my mother screamed back complaining that he had kicked her in the shin. (Her lower legs were swollen at the time due to “underlying” health issues according to the doctor. So i went down to mediate the situation and remind them that my sister was asleep. I left once the situation looked under control. A short while later the shouting started again, this time more serious than before. I didn’t intervene as my mother left the house. I found out later that evening my father had threatened to kill my mother. But before this i thought everything would calm down. But i could hear smashing and crashing so i thought perhaps he’d hurt himself. So i went to see what was happening to find my dad smashing everything up, from the kitchen to the front lounge. Only to end up haveing bit of the kitchen unit lobbed at me. So i swiftly left to my room. I sorted out my room with enough space for my little sister, I got her from her room and put her near me. Cause ever fiber of my mind had judged my dad as a threat to myself and my sister. I thought maybe he’ll calm down and go to sleep. Not too long later he stormed in screaming “I’ll kill her, if she’s not back in 10 minutes. I’ll kill her. Tell her that.” It took him awhile to realised he’d scared the shit out of my sister. As soon as it was quiet enough to leave, i took my sister and we left the house. I didn’t care that it was 4 am. All I knew is my dad wasn’t sane, sober or thinking straight and a danger to myself and my sisters well being. I walked down the road with my sister and across to the local shops planning to go to my friends. Yeah i was just going to waltz into my best friends house and sleep on the sofa with my sister. but my mums friend phoned me telling me she’d phoned the police and they were coming to drop us off at hers, which is where my mum had fled too. We waited for the police, until they came. My little sister rather panicked, over what had happened was occurring. My mum decided we were going to go stay with her parents for a while so we spent almost two months there. No college for me, no school for my sister. My mother she was and emotional wreck and still is. Well both me and my sister decided we’d see him on weekends eventually. But currently they’re both bitching about the other. neither has realised that they issues upstairs arn’t going to be solved like that. You know for a while I was the sane mind, in the family. Ha yeah me Who trusts almost no one. And certainly relies on no one. But in the end I became emotionless as i was over my nans death. Yeah i liked her. But for some reason I had still have no feeling on the event and what occurred. But you know its not just that, my mother is trying to be someone she’s not and is now seriously suffering from depression and barely getting anything done. My father he’s spinning a web of words into my little sister ear, he can try all he likes to spin his web with me but i know the trick as i taught it to myself to knock the bullies down in school. So now my father probably doesn’t realise he’s polluting my sisters mind and she is saying thoughtless things around my mother that is sinking her deeper into depression. What are my feeling on this, I think about what each of them has done to wrong me. Then tally them up. But for some reason on this whole matter i have no emotions, all I want to do is LEAVE. but i know i can’t leave my sister to sit there and be broken by both of my parents shattered emotions, words & deceit. But when it comes down to it both my parents have made me feel like i’m worthless, and never going to amount to anything. It is one thing to be told these words by your peers but when your own parents say the words, it becomes a part of you. That you never escape. And to be honest, ever since my father backed up the word of my peers. I’ve felt like even if i try i’m going to fail. So why bother smiling and trying and continueing if you're only going to fail and never amount to anything. I’ll tell you something if it wasn’t for my best friend who fell in to anxiety issues and depression. I wouldn’t be here. Cause everyday I wake up thinking how stupid I am how fat, worthless and how i’m never going to make it through life, every single Stupid, Dumb or things i’ve done wrong throughout my life flashes through my mind. And everytime I try to sleep the same things flash through my mind till i have to cry myself to sleep. But that one thing that keeps me going everyday, is that I care for my friends before I care for myself. So I try to forget, everything that makes me upset, feel worthless all for the sake of my friend I smile and pretend i’m okay. I have this issue that I can’t cry when people are around, because after all I can’t trust or rely on anyone but myself. So I try my best never to look like these are the thoughts running through my head. So in the end I just become numb, neutral. It looks like i don’t care but I care, I do. They think no matter what we say you’ll be fine, it won’t affect you. they’re words and actions sting more than anything else. In the end the person I can’t forgive the most is myself. So today I wrote this to tell you all, because you can’t alway not explain sometimes you need to explain it to another to explain it to yourself. When I was younger i wanted to kill myself. Today I just want to leave and start anew, somewhere away from where I grew up and different from how i’ve lived till now. If you read this thanks, just for reading it. Just knowing that someone had read about my situation from myself I hope it lift my burden slightly. Cause I know that just writing this has lifted it a lot.
  12. Life's curves I don't know, I get so confused sometimes. I listen to people talk, read stories (fiction, i know) and like all stories there's usually a grain of truth in them. They do came from someone's experiences. Like it's been said, there's nothing new under the sun. Years ago I admitted to a friend that being gay scared me not because of what other people thought, since I had been through so much already by the age of 27 to worry with opinions not my own. It scared me because I never saw any older gay couples and I didn't want to die alone. I think the fear of dying alone made me reach out through the internet to feel close to more people since I was limited at home. Through all the chemo, radiation, and other crap I had to deal with, I was always scared of dying alone. I mean I knew my parents would always be there for me, but I mean that someone, that special someone. Yet the more I learn about life, the more I feel alone. I don't even know why I'm writing this. I'm not in remission yet, but I should be soon. So, I guess I'm getting better. There's still the bone marrow transplant donor to find and do. But, things are looking better again. Yet, I also see now that I missed out on so much as a teenager. I think I would trade my life today to have had a normal life as a teenager. Making all the mistakes and finding the new experiences. I guess I'm making a fool of myself. Tonight I set up most of the night reading a long story on nifty and envied the characters, even the sad ones. At least they got to experience life. I guess after so many years of battling my battles, I'm starting to become a little bitter over it. I do treasure my online friends, even some of the old guys that pretended to be teens before they either literally died from old age or disappeared. Life isn't always fair, in fact, it rarely is. But, I have to have the hope and belief that if you pour yourself into life, in the long run, it's all worth it. I am however real enough to know that's not always true. And it saddens me to see people have to deal with the worst life can throw at you. I wish the world wasn't like that. And like I said earlier, I dunno why I'm writing this, but here it is, raw, unedited me. Please, if you feel you can't take anymore, it will get better. There's nothing life can throw at us that we can't over come or find a way around it, it will get better. Nothing last forever, including the bad times, it will get better. Reach out to someone, talk to someone, share your feelings, it will get better. Never ever give up, it will get better. There are organizations that are there to help us through the bad times, it will get better. The Trevor Project is just one of those, reach out to them, support their work, it will get better. The Trevor Project
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