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Found 7 results

  1. This is a gay comedy of manners and that can be a genre. It is the early 1990s and Lenny, in his early twenties, is trying to find his way through gay London. He lives in a gay house share; he works as waiter at a restaurant and dreams of finding a boyfriend and a better job. He has run away to London from his suburban Evangelical Christian home; unfortunately, he might not be in Kansas anymore but London is certainly not the Emerald City. Lenny, the narrator here, is a likable and engaging character, quickly winning the reader over onto his side, making us root for his success. The humour ranges from broad to the very poignant, in some places lingering long in the memory. But the most memorable parts of this novel are when it turns dark and inward looking. Unfortunately, Robert Farrar does not make the most of these dark moments, exploring Lenny’s inner life when they happen. This novel did ask a question about sexual fluidity long before we were even discussing it. With this novel, Robert Farrar showed he was an emerging talent, certainly a writer to watch out for. Unfortunately, he only wrote one other novel and that is impossible to find. I don’t know why he stopped writing, but we lost so many writers like him when we lost all our small and medium-range publishers. At least we have this novel, but what would Robert Farrar have gone on to write? Find it here on Amazon:
  2. “2,556,596 faggots in the New York City area.” So begins Larry Kramer’s infamous novel. It is a strange opening for a novel but, in some way, is indicative of this one. It is the late 1970s and this novel is an odyssey through gay New York life. The main protagonist is Fred Lemish, almost a gay everyman, who is just short of forty. He is searching for love, especially the love of the gay hunk Dinky Adams, but all he can find is promiscuous sex, recreational drug use and almost constant disappointment. This novel has so many things in it that just don’t work. Firstly, the large cast of characters makes it difficult to follow, some of them not having enough time to develop and other characters who do not add much, if anything, to the plot and left me wondering why they were there. Then there are the sex scenes, the many, many sex scenes. Some of them do add to character development but many of them felt repetitive, by the end of the book I was feeling, “Not another sex scene.” I wanted to read the novel; I didn’t want the distraction of all this sex. But what wore me down, as a reader, was its unrelenting negativity. Nothing here works out well; no characters get close to a happy ending, all of them end up unhappy in their own different ways. In one scene, a romantic relationship is sabotaged before it can even begin, which felt almost nasty on the part of the author. The characterisation here was so poor that I was left feeling frustrated. Characters are portrayed in a negative light for their actions, promiscuous sex and drug use, but there is little to no examination of why they are behaving like this. What is reinforcing such negative behaviour? This novel is set in 1978 New York and yet there is little discussion of the homophobia of that time, both external and internal. Homophobia then was more than systemic, it would have had a huge impact on these characters, it would have driven so much of their lack of self-worth, yet it is barely mentioned. This novel felt less a satire on gay life and much more an expression of Larry Kramer’s distaste for a world that didn’t accept him and that is such a shame. With his plays The Normal Heart and The Destiny of Me, Kramer showed he is a writer who understands characterisation. Those plays got under the skin of their characters and examined their situations. The Normal Heart examined the homophobia that was preventing fighting AIDS; The Destiny of Me examined the events that shaped the central character, a gay man facing his own morality and the fact that there was so little treatment, then, for HIV. None of that ability is on display in Faggots, if it had been maybe this novel would have been so much better. Here Kramer tries to hold up a mirror to the world around him, unfortunately it is a distorting mirror that sneers back. Such a missed opportunity from a man who could be a great writer. Find it here on Amazon
  3. David Leavitt’s strength has always been the drama he finds in ordinary people’s lives. Not for him the lives of the extraordinary, but his characters can so often feel like the most ordinary of people, yet the lives he finds behind their ordinariness are fascinating. This, his first novel, revolves around a cast of characters who are in flux in their lives, small changes that led to far greater ones. It is 1980s New York and Philip, a gay man in his early twenties, has fallen in love for the first time. In that flush of first love, he decides to come out to his middle-class parents. His parents are facing eviction from their home as their building goes co-op, but Philip’s coming out releases far more than the expected results in his parents. His mother is dissatisfied with her life and marriage, his father has been hiding his homosexuality for decades, with grabbed encounters in gay porn theatres. Many novelists would have concentrated on the three central characters here, but what lifts this novel up from just a domestic drama about homosexuality in ’80s New York is the depth Leavitt puts into his supporting cast of characters. Philip’s boyfriend Elliot, Philip’s friend Brad and Jerene, Elliot’s lesbian flat mate, all get the character development that some authors would only reserve for their main characters. Married to this character development is an interesting plot that carries its characters along with it, coming out of their needs and actions, but it does not run smoothly and comfortably; characters behave well or poorly in the space of their own story arcs, there are no heroes or villains here, just flawed people. This is a remarkable first novel. It is written in an assured and yet open style, but it also made me want to read more and more. I first read it when it was originally published and was swept away by its plot and insight; so much of it spoke about my life at the time, the state of my own relationships then. Rereading it recently, I found it just as insightful in its view of human relationships. I also found it fascinating in its portrayal of life in the 1980s, a life before the internet and smartphones and apps. But most remarkable of all is still that this is a first novel. Find it here on Amazon Drew
  4. This book belongs to Cole: 2007 Standing at the airport in New York. I watched all the other people grabbing cabs, meeting with friends, or others like me excited for what new adventures this place had to offer. It was still so crazy that after only visiting once I moved here. I really had no idea what I was getting myself into. There was no going back now. I had said good bye to my life in Portland, now ahead of me stood my next chapter. Nothing was going to hold me back. It was my time. All those years I made sure to put others first. Yes I moved to Portland because I had wanted to, but I had stayed because others wanted me there. Now that I finally made a move I had to make sure that I always enjoyed whatever it was I got myself into. There was no telling what would happen first. Would I meet someone? Would I finally make the goals I had wanted? Maybe I would find a new desire out here. I couldn’t stop smiling I just wanted to get to my new apartment and get this life started. “Cole,” I turned to find Molly, she had decided to meet me at the airport “this is so exciting, I’m so glad that you are finally here.” “Me too.” I was excited, but also very nervous. I had never made such a big step in my life before. I was very proud of myself, yet I was scared of what this move was really going to be like I had flown into JFK so now we were on our long ride to our apartment. I had never been to Brooklyn before so all this was new to me, seeing the apartments that were the projects, the random subway tracks that stood above us, and all the buildings that covered the ground. I was in such amazement at this place, fear was now leaving my body. I was so excited of all the new things I knew I would be experiencing for the first time. Molly filled me in on the neighborhood, only I could barely concentrate. I was at an awe at the new scenery. To me a place like this had only existed in movies and dreams only now it was real. This was a new life, a new start for me and I was going to make it the best that I could. “Here we are.” I looked around at the street that I would now call home. There were projects not even a block away and a lot of acetic Jewish people walking around. The building next door had a bum sleeping on the stoop, not to mention all the graffiti covering most. “I know it looks a little bad but trust me we are okay.” Molly showed me around the apartment it was very nice. A large living room an actual kitchen and we ironically had our own laundry room. My room was in the front which thankfully had a fire escape to go out on, which I got being a smoker and all, plus Molly didn’t want me to smoke pot in the house. Her room was on the other end good size and closed off from the rest of the apartment. Since she worked nights it made sense to give her that room. Plus the front room was the larger one so I was good. It was actually perfect for the two of us. Once I got a little settled in it was time to hit the town and that we did. Molly took me out to the bar she was working at in Soho. It was nice a little more upscale than I was expecting, but when you know someone that works there you’re set. Here it was my first night in Manhattan and I was not having to wait in a line, I just walked right past everyone into the bar. I couldn’t lie I felt a little important even though I really wasn’t. Molly and I pretended that we were. After having a few drinks there and meeting her new work friends it was off to a new bar. I couldn’t believe what the night life was really like here, as I stood outside having a cig watching everyone else out. People dressed up so elegant while some where dressed like trash. The people of this city were so different. I was curious at what messes I could get myself into. This night we partied as if we were on vacation and that I needed too. I didn’t have work for another week so I needed to learn my new home. It was still so hard to believe that I had actually moved here. The fact that I had done this still surprised me. It was time for me to make that change in my life. As the next few days past I spent them settling in and walking around my block, there was so much to learn between streets and train systems. Before I really took this place by storm I needed to learn where I was. With that being said lets jump forward to a few days. I wanted to find my neighborhood gay bar, so off I went. The closest one was on Metropolitan and Lorimer, we can call it Comfort. Since I was living in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, I wanted to have places close. Now this bar wasn’t that close, but drunk Cole could still walk home. It turned out to be an okay gay bar. It was a very mixed crowd, some nights a lot more lesbians while some nights all hipsters. Every now and then your sexy black guy came through, but their groups never stayed very long. On the slower nights you could always find some guy that kept off to himself and I knew he was under cover. During the week the bar wasn’t too busy so people came to find their little fix. I knew about men only soon I would learn that woman too had their secrets. I had met this girl, my lesbian friend I call Scissor. One night the bar had been pretty busy to the point that if you found a spot at the bar you wouldn't move. That’s where I was, sitting at the bar. I could tell numerous people were getting annoyed with me there, but I didn't care. So I ordered another drink. I turned to see a young girl, tall very skinny with long brown hair. She was an attractive girl and you could tell by her appearance she really didn't take too much time to get ready. None the less she seemed like a nice girl, and that she was. “You here alone?” She turned to me and smiled “Yep thought it would be a different crowd.” “Me too.” we both looked around “how bout we drink alone together.” “Yes.” and we cheered to that. From that point on she and I went out as often as we could. Scissor too had just moved here from Philadelphia and was living not too far from the bar. Most nights we spent just hanging out back chain smoking, drinking, and talking. It was nice meeting someone so fast that I could see being a friend. She told me all about her life and about her many lady friends. I was now learning that sometimes women also hid their curious sides. Scissor told me most times they didn’t want to let men know they were bi, realizing that could open to doors to something else. She had been dating a lot since she had moved here, a lot more than me, which now I knew I needed to step it up. Scissor was now dating this girl named Penny, they had met at some lesbian thing or a party, anyways things had been getting pretty serious for her to the point they were talking about living together. “So Penny is finally coming out here tonight.” She told me one night at the bar, fast forwarding a month or so later. Penny was an older woman from England. She had moved here for work and so far had decided to stay. “When?” “She should be here soon.” We sat in our normal seats at the bar had a few drinks and caught up on each other’s week. It wasn’t long till I noticed a guy standing not too far from us. He looked as if he stood a little shorter than me. He had the sweetest smile I couldn’t help but smile back. For the next few minutes we kept playing that staring and looking away real fast game. He was a very good looking man, his hair buzzed down pretty low, and from what I could see he looked to have a decent body on him, not too fit, but he did look as though he worked out some. “You sexy bitches want a drink?” Scissor and I turned to find Penny standing behind us “Babe,” Scissor jumped up giving her new woman a kiss “Penny this is Cole.” We ordered more drinks as Penny told me all about herself. The two of them looked so cute together it made me want to meet someone. And that was when that guy caught my eye again, only this time he was standing all alone in a corner. I decided why not, why not go and talk to him. There was really nothing to lose. “Hi.” I said as I walked up to him. “Hey.” He said as his smile grew. That was when I realized how cute this guy really was. “I’m Cole,” I couldn’t help but notice that he was looking around the place, it was as if he were making sure no one he knew was there. “everything okay?” “Yeah but I kind of want to get out of here.” “Oh okay.” I was a little shocked, but what can you do? Just get another drink and move on to the next. “Hey you want to go for a walk?” he said to me as I had turned to leave. I stopped and smiled, okay it wasn’t me it was something else that made him want to leave and now I wanted to know. “Sure.” I went over to tell Scissor I was going to head out. She and Penny were also leaving. There was some new lesbian bar opening in the city, Penny was friends with the owner so they were off to continue their night. We walked around Williamsburg. I told him all about my move out here. How I had grown up in a small town and a little bit about my Portland life. He told me he was from Turkey, his family had moved out here when he was very young. He had been going to school in the city and had some real goals set for himself. Of course came the one thing I should have seen, no one knew he was gay. Well only two friends did, two he had met in college. His family and all his other friends had no idea, in fact he had just recently broken up with his girlfriend and had decided to venture out into being with men. I didn’t realize how long we had been walking until I noticed we were in my neighborhood. Molly was working late so I decided to invite him in. Once inside he pulled me towards him softly kissing my neck, his tongue slowly licked up my face till our lips met. His kisses were hard and wet, it felt as if he was finally getting the one thing he had always dreamed of. I wasn’t sure if he had ever been with a guy, by his actions I felt this could be his first. We made our way into my room where he pushed me down onto my bed. The Middle Eastern stood there, let’s call him that since he was Middle Eastern, I watched as he took his clothes off exposing his decent, but very hairy body to me. So far with all the men I had been with they had little to no body hair, not that I mind body hair, I don’t, but this guy was hairy. I had always heard most Middle Eastern men were and now I found out for myself. The good thing was luckily his back was still hairless, well not his lower back which I didn’t care. I thought he was hot and I was attracted to him. He stood there looking a little nervous so to help him relax and get back into the mood I moved down taking his dick into my mouth. I used one of my hands to push his pubic hair back, it was so long and thick plus it tickled my face every time I went down. Surprisingly he had a nice dick not very long, maybe a close five inches, but it was still pretty thick. I could work with this one. He stood there moaning and enjoying what my mouth was doing to him, he smelled pretty sweet. I was doing a very good job sucking his dick and he was letting me know. Soon he pushed me back down onto the bed and began to take my clothes off. I reached over to gather all we would need and got him ready. Once wrapped and lubed up he climbed on top of me throwing my legs on his shoulders. Before I could tell him to go slow he forced his way into my ass, as deep as he could. Not even a slow inch by inch push, it was a slam all the way in, making me cry out so loud in pain, but that didn’t faze him. Each time he pushed he went a little faster and harder. He watched my face the whole time he fucked me. He never slowed down just kept going the same fast pace. I tried to get him to slow down so we could really enjoy, he took that as fuck harder. I didn’t think he could go any harder than he already was. He kept me in the same position the whole time, I moaned and cried. Pain shot all over my body but the pleasure was doing its best to come through. By the way he was fucking made me feel that we were in some sort of race, a race to save the world and if he stopped for a second it could all end. “Oh yeah, oh, oh,” he began to moan which also meant he went faster. Now I was finally getting into it, the pain was all gone, my body was starting to tingle and I could feel his body tensing. “Oh, oh.” he called out then let out a loud “Yes” I could feel him pulsing and twitching inside of me I knew that was it. He had finished, he had gotten his right as I finally got into it. He kissed me and whispered “Thanks.” Then he got up and went to shower. I laid there rethinking our night. Yeah he was a nice guy, yes he was hiding his sexuality, but that didn’t mean he had to fuck me like that. It was odd when it came to a lover like him. Now I knew with females it wasn’t that easy to get them off so if that was how he fucked, how could any girl have gotten off? What I never understood was when it came to sex there were rules to this game, make sure that you please and satisfy the person you are with. If you worry about them and they worry about you then everyone gets what they need. What I was now seeing with some of these under cover or curious guys, it was all about that orgasm. Right after his shower he left not really saying too much but another thank you. I sat outside on my fire escape smoking a cig. I could see him walking to the train “I don’t know, it’s all weird that even in a place so big and open to anything I still met a guy that was undercover.” I was talking to Cynthia on the phone. “Well maybe it’s just because guys can sense something about you that makes them comfortable enough to act out on their fantasies.” “So it’s the curse, or maybe they aren’t gay and are just Colesexual.” We both laughed at my stupid comment. I knew that most of these guys were gay only they would never admit it. If he wanted to stay in the closet and just have some fun on the side then that was his life. I knew what I wanted and needed so I would just worry about me. A couple days had passed before I heard anything from the Middle Eastern, it was a text that he sent asking me to come over, but it would have to be after midnight. Apparently he had two roommates and they had no idea he liked men. He was going to sneak me in once they both had gone to bed, which felt so high school to me, but I was horny and decided to give him another try. Maybe all I had to do was take control and show him how to really please a man. Since it was still early Molly and I went out to get some drinks at the bar that was around the block from our apartment, we will call it DSLR. It was a nice fancy restaurant with a great bar. We made friends with one of the bartenders there, James. He was a nice tall white dude from the south and was now living in New York. He had worked there for almost a year and was really liking it. Every time we went in he would hook us up with drinks. Maybe it was because of Molly, which he would tell me later on that he wanted to sleep with her. So instead of making things weird for them I would just drink and enjoy making new friends. Molly had to work the late shift that night so from there she went to work. I went home to freshen up and relax. James had his break coming up and thankfully he had brought a few joints to work so he came by and smoked me out. We talked about life and goals. I learned he was living with his ex and they were still having sex, but he also had a new girlfriend that had no idea who his roommate really was. Guys had such a weird way of seeing things and how they choose to live their lives. I knew I was just as bad only I was single so I was able to live however I wanted. Now James wasn’t a bad guy he treated both girls good. Still went behind their backs meeting new girls, most men just want more pussy. To me a relationship is where you should have complete trust in each other and never let anyone else ever get in the way. I knew when I finally met the right guy I would show him nothing but love and respect along with only letting him have me. No matter what I had gone through with these guys I still had some hope that there was a good one out there for me. That one day I too would find the one I had always dreamed of. After seeing most of my friends find love I knew I needed to branch out and find what I was really meant for. I really had no idea if it was love or maybe I was just meant to enjoy life and make crazy memories. I sat there waiting for the Middle Eastern to text me the okay to come over. I knew there would be nothing more than just sex so I wasn’t going to try and force anything more. It was just so weird having to sneak around just to get laid. Here I had my own place, plus I was alone, but he insisted on me going there. I didn’t have any problems with the down low part. I was more worried about how to act and what to do if I’m seen. I stopped worrying about all that. I wanted to have sex with him again, he was sexy and since the first time was a little bad I felt maybe this time around we would be better. Now we knew each other’s bodies maybe he would be able to really satisfy me and make me cry his name. He lived far from me so I had to take a car service there, which the distance and the spending money should have been the first sign for me not to go. Once I had finally gotten there I waited outside for twenty minutes. Every now and then I would call the car service to come get me, but they were busy so I waited. I was told not to ring the buzzer or call him, I had to text and he would come down and get me. This guy seemed to not care about any one, I now had no desire to stay and let him have me. When he finally came to the door he stood there in his boxers, he knew what to do to make me want him. He knew I wanted sex so he would tease me and make me want to stay. We went straight to his room. He had two locks on his bedroom door, which he locked “Sorry my roommate just went to bed.” “Yeah well you could have just come to my place.” “Yeah, but I have a lot of work to do right now and really couldn’t leave, but next time,” he moved stuff off the bed and took his shorts off “come on get naked I want to fuck.” So I did as I was told. I lay there and he climbed on top of me putting my legs on his shoulders. Again he pushed in as hard as he could I cried out and all he did was cover my mouth with his hand. No foreplay, no kissing, not a thing, he just went straight to it. He fucked with such force and speed I couldn’t help but moan. He held his hand tight as he went on doing me the exact same way he had the first time. He fucked so hard and was going so fast I had no time to let my body relax and fall into him. I tried so hard to get into it only I couldn’t. “Haaa,” I heard someone screaming from the next room “No, no, haa.” “What is that?” I panicked pushing him off of me. “It’s nothing don’t worry about it,” he said as he turned me around so I was laying on my stomach “my roommate as turrets.” He pushed my head down so my mouth was covered by his mattress then he went right back to what he was doing. I tried moaning but I could barely make a sound. He was going so fast and this time my whole body was rocking back and forth. I just gave in and laid there while he did his thing. It was sad to realize that a lot of people are just bad in bed. I felt after you got started your body tells the other what you want and their body should react to it too. Only this guy had no idea what he was doing, sex just wasn’t fuck as fast and hard as you can, making the other person scream and you’re doing it. He really had no clue what to do. Yes sometimes you just need a man to pin you down and take you hard. He never seemed to want to slow down to just move gently together. I was trying to understand how he felt, was this what he needed? I wondered if his ex-girlfriend liked this, so he figured everyone did. Then I wondered how many men he had actually been with because I was sure by now he would have known how to fuck a tight ass. He finally made some random noise and it was all over, not a word he got up wiped himself off, threw the condom away and went back to his work. He sat there naked with our sex all over him but he worked and acted as if I wasn’t even there. I laid in his bed and waited to see if he would at least help me get off, but he didn’t even look my way. It was as if he getting off gave him more inspiration for his work, so instead of finishing I just got up and left. He did walk me to the door and all I got was a “bye” Nothing else was said only that, talk about being used. I stood outside his apartment waiting on the cab to come pick me up so it was the perfect time to fill Cynthia in on my night. “He sucks.” “Yeah in all the bad ways.” “So what are you going to do now?” “Not see him again,” I finished the cigarette I had been smoking “if the sex were good I wouldn’t mind the sneaking but nothing about this is worth it. It’s so crazy though here I thought being in a place like New York I would meet someone, but these guys always find me.” “Well it’s like your brother said no matter how hard you try or what you do, they will.” Cynthia was right, my brother had always made sure to remind me that these men would find their way into our lives. I would have to keep telling myself no matter what I would just live for the moment and enjoy what the world brought me, even if it were bad sex with a down low guy. “That’s right, all these men are just for fun,” my car finally showed. I was more than ready to be home in my bed “well at least I can check a middle eastern off my list of things to do…..”
  5. This book belongs to Cole: 2007 Things were starting to look like I had made a decision, it was my weekend off which was much needed. Since most of us were off we had decided to plan a fun night out of drinking and dancing. It was still pretty early in the day so I decided to just hang and rest. Out of nowhere I received a text from X. I didn’t respond so within ten minutes he was calling me. “What do you want?” I felt no need to be nice to him nor did I have any reason to care about his feelings. “Dude we really need to talk.” “About?” I did want to talk to him, shit I wanted to see him more than anything. I just had to keep playing the rude card. He was someone that was supposed to be my friend only he used me as a piece in his game. “Not over the phone.” “X, I’ve got stuff to do.” “Can you come over right now?” “Come where?” “I’ve got the place all to myself for the next few hours so it’s either a yes or a no.” I had no idea what I wanted to do. Yes I wanted to see him, but I knew that nothing good would come from it. We needed to talk, there were so many things that needed to be said so many feelings to get out. Would we really talk though? I missed having X in my life and I would do anything to get our friendship back to what it was. In fact I would erase all of the sex. Everything in me told me not to go and not respond. “I’m on my way.” And to this day I wondered why I even wasted my time. I grabbed my things and was out the door. Within seconds he text me his address luckily for me it wasn’t too far. The whole time I drove I thought about what it was that he wanted to say. I also thought about all the times we had messed around, about the friendship we had, the one I missed. No matter what was going to be said I knew that we could never go back. I had to let him know that I wasn’t just going to be there for him to call when he was horny. He needed to know that no matter what, I would still be there as a friend. He would need to show me he cared first. Then the thoughts of him changing and all this working out came to my mind. Now I gave myself a little hope everything would turn out for the best. X was now living with a friend. The place was a mess, you could tell two guys lived there. It was a very small house, not much furniture either. I walked in to find X there wearing only a pair of basketball shorts and you could tell he wasn’t wearing any underwear. I tried my hardest to keep my eyes only on his face. Since I had last seen him he had bulked up pretty big. Apparently he had been hitting the gym almost every day for the past year. He stood there without a shirt on, his nice body was still a little wet he must have just gotten out of the shower. We only talked for maybe ten minutes just catching up a little about our lives “Hey Cole you have to come check out my new computer.” So we went back to his room. All he had was a large queen size bed with his desk, which had his computer and his dresser. I sat there on the bed, so far everything seemed okay yet our conversation never went to anything important. Maybe I had over thought everything, maybe he was trying to be friends and this was his way of reaching back out to me, maybe he too missed me and was wanting to get everything back to normal. It had been a long time since we had seen each other so maybe now he was over all the sex stuff and just wanted the old Cole back in his life. It all did feel right. I was now starting to feel as if nothing had ever changed between us. Maybe we could get passed everything and just start over. He showed me all of the new games he had been playing. He pulled up some pictures of different motorcycles he wanted to get. These were the things I had missed, these were the times we needed to get back. I was feeling as though we were okay, but of course my mind got ahead of me. Soon X stood keeping his back towards me. He then dropped his shorts turning around showing that hard pink dick, letting me see that someone else was also happy to see me. He moved over to the bed sitting so close to me that our legs were touching. We looked into each other’s eyes. I tried my hardest to get up and go I just couldn’t. I had been right before, there was no reason for me to be here. The friendship was done and I didn’t want to be his pass time. I could see in his eyes that he wanted me, that he had longed for me. I told myself this had to be the last time. No matter what I had told myself I had lost, he began to take my clothes off all I did was stare into his eyes showing him I give in, but I would never again answer his calls or text. Whatever he and I had was over, we were nothing to each other and sadly I think we never were. X laid back on his bed while I sat there staring at his beautiful body and his long thick penis. It was crazy that all those years he and I had been friends I had never thought it would lead to this. It became something so wrong yet it felt right when we had sex, it made me feel as though I had found someone that could really please me. I lay down next to him exploring his body and kissing every part of it. I was going to take my time to really enjoy him. I had to make sure this was our good bye. I wanted him to see that this was more than just a way to get off that I knew how to really please him. He pushed my head down then shoved his dick into my mouth. The sweet smell of lavender came from his body. I lay my head on his stomach so he could feed his dick to me. That was when something caught my eye, his web cam was on and I could see us on the computer screen. “What are you doing?” I got up moving to another end of the bed so I was no longer on the camera view. I couldn’t lie I was more than willing to have some fun and record us, but not with him. “Oh don’t worry it’s not recording,” he said pulling me back over so we could get back to what we were doing “see it’s just so we can watch us fuck.” I had to admit it was a pretty good idea. I went back to sucking his dick taking every inch into my mouth every now and then looking at the camera to watch us. Once I could tell he was really hard I got up and moved so I could ride him. He handed me a condom and some lube so I got him all ready then slowly sat down taking him deep into my ass. We lay on the side of the bed so we both had a good view of the screen. It was pretty hot, I looked down and watched his reaction to me as I rode him slow then fast. I moved in a circular motion making sure that my hips kept a good pace, so he could really enjoy me one last time. One of the good things was my ass was always tight so most men were able to enjoy a nice warm hole that felt new. He was far inside of me there was more pain shooting up than I wanted, only soon pleasure won and filled my body. His hands caressed my back helping to move me up and down on him. Our moans filled the room and our passion had taken over. Every time he and I had sex I felt as if he were the only one that knew how to really satisfy all my needs. I knew now since we had been such good friends and not because there was more. He was just a man searching for something that would please him, something that he could always have. In a way I think I needed this more. X grabbed me pulling me off him bending me over so we were both facing the camera. He pushed his way inside with such force I let out a cry. This was different, the heat was stronger there was more passion than I could even remember feeling with him. Each time he pushed into me was hard and seemed mean. He made me cry louder each time. It was as if he needed to hear me, he needed to know it was me. That I felt him deeper than he had ever been before. That I wouldn’t forget him even if I wanted too. It was as if he did it so hard so he knew what it was like to make another man cry in pain and pleasure all at once. I looked up into the camera, it was amazing seeing me there in middle of my highest pleaser. But X, I was able to see his body, you could see every muscle tensing up as he pushed faster his sweat rolling down his body. Watching the faces he made as he gave into me, this only made it harder for me to hold back my release. He leaned over me so our bodies where pressed together, he hugged me close with one arm while he used the other to hold himself up. It wasn’t too much longer till his breathing grew heavier and moans became louder. I could feel his body begin to quiver. Then he whispered into my ear, “Cole I wish I could have you, I wish I could love you.” With those words he pulled out and released, shooting all over my back. I watched him on the screen as he finished, his body so tense and sweaty. His cries of passion filling the room, the faces he made as he came, everything made me let go and take part in his moment. “You want to shower?” he asked smacking my ass so hard it sent chills up my spine. “Of course.” I laughed getting up following him to the bathroom. I showered, but had to make it quick. I still had a few things to do before I got ready to go out. When I got back to his room I found X laying in his bed texting, he had some porn playing pretty loud on his computer and of course it was girl on girl. Now that he had just finished fucking a dude he was all about girls. Guys were funny when they were “straight” it was all about fucking pussy and talking about all the pussy they had. Then sometimes they have another guy on the side, someone they occasionally sleep with and as long as no one knew it was okay. I never understood why people couldn’t be open about their true selves. It was as if they had to only like one, even if they did like both, they had to be all about the girls and be a real men. I didn’t care what they liked, I just wanted my friends to be happy and honest with themselves. The sad thing was from what I was learning that would never be. “So what do you have planned for the rest of your day?” He lay there watching the porn not once looking at me “Dinner with my girl.” “Oh you have a girl?” “Yeah we’ve been together for a while and talking about marriage I just haven’t said a complete yes.” “What the hell does that mean?” I hurried to get dressed. I couldn’t believe what he had said, yeah X seemed to always ruin his relationships. For some reason he liked the drama, but to say almost engaged and the fact that he was now taking that step again was a little sad to me. I was starting to think that he would never be happy and maybe now he should stop and think if a girl was what he wanted. “I figured it’s time to settle plus she loves my son and he loves her, they are spending the day together.” I grew nervous, my stomach turned, and I felt a chill run over my body. My mouth went dry, my head was getting dizzy. I had to sit. What had I just done? What was I really doing here? I should have never listened to him or trusted him. X was never going to change. This was his game and I was forever going to be a piece in it. I just hoped one day I would roll the dice and find a new square that would let me leave this place. “So since I think she is the one I needed to have one more day of fun, which reminds me,” he looked his watch. I hadn’t noticed the nice watch he was wearing I was sure she was buying him nice gifts. X always managed to find girls that would spoil him more than he would them “you remember that older married woman I used to fuck.” “The one with the husband and great job downtown?” X had liked that woman a lot, after the mother of his child broke up with him, which was right after the baby came, he met the older woman at his work. One day she had gone to get something fixed on her car, X had been working for a repair center. That same day they had met she got a hotel room and they spent the whole night having sex. All he was to her was a young guy with a great dick, he could give her sex all night, she would buy him nice things, but he fell for her. He tried his hardest to hold his feelings back, which of course most guys did, he just couldn’t with her. After he came clean she called it all off, but they would randomly meet up for sex, usually every three months. “Yep she’s on her way now.” “Wait so you’re telling me while your girlfriend is out with your son you are here cheating on her?” Now I was angry, how could he have dragged me into his mess? How could someone that I had called one of my closest friends use me for just a fuck while someone that loved him was waiting? “It’s not cheating,” he moved closer to me so we were sitting right next to each other “you see she is giving me a day off from the relationship. She said today was my last day to go off, have fun, do whatever I want and none of this counts then tomorrow we will be back together and engaged.” I had no idea what to say or what to think I just sat there thinking of what we had just done. I couldn’t lie it was a different idea. Something that would maybe help to make more marriages last. So really I couldn’t be mad since she was allowing him to do whatever he wanted. I was upset that he saw me as some piece of ass that he needed one last time. Now that he got what he wanted he would be throwing me out like I was the trash, which hurt. After all the years and all the things we had gone through I was in the same category as his normal hoes. “I hate to rush you but you kind of need to leave, she’s going to be here in less than thirty minutes. I still need to shower and get ready.” I just walked out not even saying good bye to him. I wasn’t even going think about it, all this was, was fun. It was over and the only thing left to do was walk away. No longer having to think whether this would happen again. Now I wouldn’t even have to worry about our friendship or if I would see him, in a way this was our closure. We had taken a great friendship and crossed over to lovers knowing no matter what we said or did we would never be able to go back. Maybe X had always known our friendship was over, even though deep down inside I did too, but never admitted it. So instead of pretending he kept me as just a booty call and now this was his way of letting me go. In some cases you can start having sex with a friend and you both will be able to move past it. Sometimes you can stay friends and not let any weird feelings affect you. Sadly for X and I all you can do is end whatever communication you have, denying you were anything more than just old friends. Maybe there was more to all this than I knew or will ever know, but X wasn’t going to come forward. He was getting married and he sent me out the door. I went with my head high, knowing that I was able to be there for someone when they had needed me, that I too had a friend that had helped me through some of my toughest times. And no matter what I can always look back on some amazing sex, remember the time I had slept with a guy that so many girls had wanted. This was the last time and as I drove off I said good bye to X and a relationship that we would never be able to explain. That night at the martini bar I finally told Cynthia about the whole X thing. We had gone out with Gina to have some drinks. I explained why I had waited so long to fill them in and thankfully she understood “So he’s getting married.” “I can’t believe you two were doing it.” Cynthia said laughing at me. “Well I say whatever. At least you had fun.” Gina said as she took a few drags of you cig. “Yeah I did. I just wish it hadn’t turned out this way.” “It seems as though he can’t even figure out what he wants so why would you want a friend like that?” Cynthia added. “True,” I looked at my two friends, I didn’t need to fight for his friendship I had people I could really count on right here with me “sadly some friends come and go.” “Not us.” Gina said holding her glass up so we three could toast. “To real friends.” We all said laughing and chugging our martinis down. I smiled knowing that I was finally free from something I was afraid to loose, but in a way I think I was more afraid to loose myself. Now I would move forward because there was always something better waiting for me on my next turn……
  6. This book belongs to Cole: 2006 Things with my living situation had changed. At this time only Skyler and I were living in the house. It was nice since now I had two rooms, one was my sleeping room while the other was my chill room. Kitty had moved out with her current boyfriend. He had been a not so nice guy to me and Skylar, but when she decided to move we still supported her. The good part about it being just me and Skyler was I had more privacy. Skyler was going back to school and now was actively dating so he was hardly ever home. Since his breakup he tried to keep himself busy, he made sure to spend more time with family and of course go out to enjoy being single. I’m not going to say how this next person was connected to me nor will I include other people, but Guy was a good friend I had known for years. He was a very strong manly man, he was fit, tall, and completely into outdoors. We would have long conversation, we could talk about anything. He was so open and accepting of anything I felt so comfortable to be near him. On this night it was just like old times. Guy was only in town for a few nights so he needed a place to crash. I decided to let him stay for the weekend, since I didn't have any plans. Skyler was at his parents, so I figured why not. On his last night he and I stayed up late drinking and talking. It was a cool night just perfect enough to be outside. We sat on the back porch telling stories of what he had been up too. So much had been going on for us both, he really was someone that made me have a more exciting outlook on things. He just experienced so much it made me want to go out and do the same. I smoked a few bowls and had some cigs as he went on to tell me more. I was really enjoying my night just hanging and relaxing. After a while we decided to uncover the pool and soak our feet. We had a few more beers and I told him what was going on in life. We had the lights in the pool on so it seemed to be getting warmer. “Let’s get in,” Guy stood taking all his clothes off. He stood there naked in front of me. I couldn’t take my eyes away he actually had a really big dick “get naked let’s soak.” He said jumping into the pool. So I did. I got naked and joined him, I couldn’t believe that I was here sitting in the pool naked with Guy. We talked about people we had dated, people we had been sleeping with, so far nothing promising seemed to be going for either of us. I had to admit I was more excited that no one else was home, I was sure if anyone else had been here this wouldn’t be happening. Although I was sure nothing more was going to happen so why worry? That was when he grabbed me throwing me up in the air so I would go falling deeper into the water. We kept playing around wrestling in the pool. I was having so much fun I had forgotten we were naked. After a while we got out and laid there on the side, it was much colder than I remember. “You cold?” I turned to Guy “Yeah I am.” “Come here,” he pulled me so I was laying against him. I lay there my back towards his front, he held me so close I instantly felt warmer “better?” I nodded too comfortable to answer and too nervous to move. I could feel him grow a little, his dick rested between my checks. There was no way he didn’t know what was going on down there. For some reason he didn’t seem to care. We laid together looking up at the stars not saying a word. We were both pretty excited, yet neither of us seemed to mind. Part of me wanted to start playing with him, start sucking him, would he mind? I didn’t though. I was actually enjoying our little moment together. Guy was making me feel happy and sexy so why ruin something that makes me feel good? Besides I was sure he would make the first move if he wanted. After however long past Guy suggested we go take a shower, when he said that, I didn’t think he meant together “You know what Cole.” I turned so I was facing him, we were lathering up our bodies “What’s that?” “I like hanging out naked with friends, I mean it’s just a body.” “Yeah it’s been so relaxing and calming.” “You are the first gay guy I’ve actually done this with, I was kind of nervous.” “Really? Well that’s understandable.” “It’s always been with my straight friends or girls but you make it easy.” “I can say it’s been a little hard.” “A little,” he laughed grabbing his dick “we’ve both been rock hard isn’t it fun?” “Yeah it is.” so I was now learning Guy liked to be nude. I was still confused with the rest. “It’s natural for us to get excited when we feel another body,” he hugged me again “you see the moment we touch we both get harder.” I looked down it was true. Although we had done nothing to each other our bodies were reacting “Cole I know some times you fuck with straight guys and I want you to see that sometimes it’s just to have an orgasm. See,” we got out of the shower and went to my room. I was more surprised to see him crawl into my bed “we could fuck right now I’m hard and ready but it wouldn’t be right.” I laid down next to him, he pulled me closer and held me tight again “I’m completely straight and when I want to cum I’ll fuck, but you,” he whispered to me “just lay here and you will see what else two men can do, out of a close friendship.” We held each other the whole night. I woke up off and on, he was still hard. It took so much to not go down and take care of him, yet like he said he was comfortable with this. I would not be the one to ruin it. I felt Guy and I were good friends it was nice to see that no matter what there can be trust. So I would just go back to sleep and be glad to feel a real man’s body. “Damn,” I awoke to Guy laying there looking down at us “our dicks are still hard.” He laughed for a second then took his hand and started stroking it. I did the same. I lay there watching him, I didn’t care if he watched me or not I was just excited to get to see his dick big and hard. Every now and then we would look at each other and smile, I never once tried to touch him. Just laid there enjoying the view while enjoying myself. Then he got up on his knees where he was directly on top of me. He started jerking faster till he shot, he grabbed my head and put the head of his dick on my tongue making sure his load didn’t go to waste. It all shot into my mouth and all I could do was swallow this straight man’s huge load, when he let go I did too. I accidentally got it on him thankfully he didn’t mind. He just suggested we took another shower which we did after that I made breakfast. He told me how he had never jerked off for a gay man before and probably never would again. I smiled, happy it was with me. He then went on to tell me of his next travels, where he was going to live now “Cole we all need to make changes, sometimes it’s only us that can take control.” Once we ate he was off to his next stop. I would randomly see him throughout time, but he and I have never lost touch. To this day we still chat and plan to meet up again. As long as we are both on our journeys we would have to make a pit stop to see each other. I have never told anyone this story and now it is out, I’m sure people will wonder who it was, but I will never say. A couple of nights later I was hanging out at Cynthia’s, we were standing out back of her place having a smoke. I just kept thinking about Guy wondering how nice and different it felt. Guy had been traveling, when he wanted he would just leave. Maybe he was right, maybe time was coming for me to make a change in my life, but that would take a lot of thinking. Since Cynthia and Will were living together things were getting a lot better. I was so glad that they finally had worked everything out, soon, they would start a new life. It was amazing that they had found each other. Every time they spoke about it Will would throw in “maybe we should move?” even though Cynthia wasn’t against it she just wanted to think it over. She had lived in Portland her whole life. She didn’t know what to think…..
  7. This book belongs to Cole: 2003 Once I graduated from high school I made the move from a small town to the city of Portland, Oregon. I have to admit at first I was scared and very nervous. It was hard to leave the life I had known for eighteen years. Only soon things would start to fall into place and I was more than excited. I had a feeling that my life was now starting to make some sort of sense. The first few days I kept my guard up. You have to when making a huge life change. After the first week I already met the person that would forever be my best friend. Cynthia, she and I were the same age, in fact we were only a day apart. Cynthia had been born and raised in Portland. The moment we met we were instant friends. We found that we had so much in common. It was honestly as if I had found my other half, the one person that would truly understand me. Cynthia was the most caring and understanding person I would ever meet. She had this special personality that always would brighten a room, regardless of the mood. It was nice to have met a person that never held any judgment. She was probably the most laid back opened minded person I knew. I had to admit, it was she that really helped me to grow into the person I was now, along with helping to really except myself for me. Everyone that knew Cynthia loved her, they all said she was the kind of person you always wanted around. She was someone that you could always trust. We had a friendship that was stronger than blood. Luckily for me I had made another friend pretty quickly that was my family, Gina. Gina was also Cynthia’s cousin. She too was carefree and lived for the now, as we did, and like me she too had a very strong bitchy side. The three of us lived together and spent hours hanging at the house drinking, smoking, and dancing. With us only being twenty and Gina turning nineteen there wasn’t much for us to do on the weekends, honestly when the three of us were together any moment would be a time to remember. Cynthia and I, as we would say, had taken over Portland. Living life to the fullest. There was never a boring moment when we were involved. Between the three of us we always made sure that everything was exciting, from the random house parties, too the many bars or clubs we would venture out too. Having friends like this we knew that nothing or any one would ever be able to come between us, these were the kind of friends you really needed in your life. Throughout the years Cynthia, Gina, and I would find ourselves in numerous different types of situations. We did have a good circle of friends. With the different people we would meet I began to discover who I was and the power I could hold over men, straight men, guys on the down low, aka on the DL. “You have the curse.” My brother once told me. “The curse?” I asked more confused than anything. “We all have it,” my cousin added “it's something we three are born with. Straight men want us, they have to have us, and they will use us.” “So remember,” my brother said “never allow them in and just enjoy them for the moment.” “Yes,” my cousin said smiling “that is one thing that we all need to remember, that men are just for fun,” he was in the kitchen mixing a few more drinks for us “we need to keep the same mind set as these men do. Not give them any type of affection just play their game.” “But why does it have to be a game?” I thought. We are brought up to believe that we will find true love, the one, your soul mate. I was still in my early twenties so I had plenty of time to worry about that. For some reason these questions were always running through my head though. “Well,” my brother got up to grab our drinks “a lot of men can’t really accept who they are so they will hide behind a woman and see us on the side,” he lit his cigarette, “plus with us coming from a small town they will never come out.” “And it doesn’t help that we allow them to do this.” My cousin warned me. “And some people would want what we have and see it as a gift.” At this point of my life I would see it as a gift as well, I mean what gay man didn’t want to have sex with a “straight” man. It was so forbidden and you knew the whole time you shouldn’t be doing it, yet you did anyways. Knowing that they wanted you and that they needed you, plus it was something they only got every now and then turned the passion so much more exciting. In the beginning there were a lot of different parties we had gone to. One we had to leave Portland and travel to Corvallis. At this point in our lives the three of us were single so we were more than ready to party. Since it was a pretty far distance we decided it would be better to party on the drive there. We arrived to a large house in the middle of nowhere. At least fifteen minutes from a town. The place was already packed with people. Some of Cynthia’s high school friends were hanging in a large room that had a pool table so we joined them for a while to chug back a few drinks. The night went on and the drinking never stopped. One of Cynthia’s old friends a girl named Jean and I were playing pool when some guy came in. He just stood there watching us play. He was pretty good looking with dark hair and you could tell under his clothes he had a decent body. He asked if he could play along with offering us more beer. Of course we took the beer. Jean decided after two beers it was getting late and she was ready to leave. It was pretty late, it was nearly three in the morning, but he and I started our game anyways. Most of my friends had gone, Gina had gone back to Portland with the other girls. Cynthia had wanted to hang out more, so we stayed. The guy I had just met played pool with me for a while talking about life then it hit us, we were starving and needed to find some food. Thankfully he had a car so we were off to find whatever was open at this time. The drive was much further than I remembered on the way here. I thought it was only a few minutes from town yet it seemed to take us forever to find the city of Corvallis. Soon the conversation switched over to me being gay and how he is more than comfortable with having gay friends. In fact he went on to say that he would probably let a dude suck him off if the mood was right. “What about now?” I asked trying to sound a little flirty and also curious “want me to blow you?” “While I’m driving?” “Hell yeah,” I moved a little closer “think of the excitement.” I didn’t even wait for him to respond I started to undo pants and pulled his dick out, he maybe hit six inches and was on the thin side, but I didn’t mind. I took him into my mouth, which was very easy to do. He instantly began to moan. Thankfully he was still doing a good job driving. I made sure to suck him good making him so wet, showing him how much greater it felt to have another man do it. Like most men would say head was better from another dude than a woman. It didn’t take much longer till he finished, it was probably only a five minute blow job. He grabbed an empty cup and shot his load in it. I sat there smiling at myself. We finally made it to a fast food place that was open twenty four hours, we grabbed food and headed back to the party. I ate everything on the ride back I guess I was that hungry. When back I found people had all passed out. I found some my friends sleeping on a couch, so I went over and curled up next to them. The guy disappeared somewhere in the house I really didn’t care I was drunk, tired, and needed sleep. It was starting to get light out. It felt as if I had only shut my eyes for a second when my phone rang startling me awake, it was Cynthia, it was eight am and we needed to get back to Portland. We both ran around gathering our things getting ready for our long ride home. After a couple of months the Corvallis parties came to an end. The other times we had traveled down there, each party was crazier than the first. I did see the guy I messed with every time there he just never said another word to me. Honestly it didn’t bother me. It was just funny that he had to act weird. I never understood why men made it that way, so what I sucked your dick it wasn’t anything serious. To me it was just two guys having fun and he wanted it too! I wouldn’t go talk to him nor would I even try to do anything else. I just played his game and avoided him. After maybe a month we never saw any of those Corvallis people again…..
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