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Welcome to the discussion thread for CJ’s series. All things CJ are fair game, I simply ask you be respectful of others. I will actively participate in the discussion. Ask questions, speculate about what’s coming, or bitch about what happened. We’re now open for business!

Harry Starks is the quintessential 1960s London gangster, an Eastender, thuggish, violent, sharply dressed and homosexual, but he also loves Ethel Merman, Judy Garland and opera music. This novel tells his story from the 1960s until the early 1980s, portraying the changing face of London’s organised crime. In the 1960s he’s a racketeer, running cons and criminal corruption, but he has a pathetic desire for respectability too, first through his nightclub, at the wrong end of Soho, and then through foreign investments. By the 1970s he has become a porn king, but his crown is tarnished and grubby, with “bent coppers” snapping at his heels. In the 1980s it all catches up with him. This novel isn’t narrated by Harry Starks but by five different people from his life, in five different sections. They are the toy boy boyfriend, the disgraced lord, the petty criminal, the actress (the failed blonde bombshell) and the university lecturer. This isn’t an original idea but Arnott handles it with skill and insight. Each narrator has their own distinctive voice and a distinctive view of Harry Starks and his life, giving their own insights into him. But each narrator, in their own different way, is corrupted and changed by their relationship with Harry Starks. With this style, Arnott paints an interesting picture of a complicated character; Harry Starks is more than just another stereotyped Eastend gangster. This novel also paints a picture of a very changing world. Harry Starks is a crime boss, but his criminal empire is a changing one. The crimes he is living off at the beginning of the 1960s are different to the ones that make up his empire in the 1970s. With this changing world of crime, we’re given a window onto the changing world of London society in the 1960s and 1970s. This is a fascinating read and an equally interesting reread. There is so much here, both in the fictional world and the real world and real-life personalities that also make cameo appearances here. The description of Judy Garland in London, very much at the end of her life and her career, is so pathetic as to be heart-breaking. What is most memorable here, though, is the character of Harry Starks, a much more complicated and nuanced character than is usually presented as a crime boss in fiction. Find it here on Amazon

Back in 1986, Michael Nava published his first novel to feature the West Coast American lawyer Henry Rios. Over the years that followed, Henry Rios featured in seven novels and all of them have been highly readable and enjoyable. But Henry Rios is not the clean-cut, all-American male lawyer who breathlessly solves murders. Henry Rios is a defense lawyer who usually defends the underdog, but that is where the similarities end. Henry Rios is Mexican, from a forcefully working-class family and gay. Ghosts of a macho-abusive father and a pathetically Catholic mother constantly haunt him. For many years he was estranged from his lesbian sister (his only living relative). He is an AIDS-widow, having found and then lost his lover to AIDS over the course of these novels. His outspoken views have made him as many enemies as friends. This man has enough emotional baggage to fill an SUV. This man is a real character. He is everything Perry Mason wasn't. Rag and Bone is the last Henry Rios novel and so I started to read it with a heavy heart, so much had I enjoyed the previous novels. But this is a novel with which Henry Rios leaves the literary world on a high note. Rag and Bone opens with Rios collapsing, in court, with a heart attack. While he is recovering from this, slowly regaining his confidence, he repairs his fragile relationship with his sister, Elena. This leads to Elena telling him she had a child while in college and has not yet come to terms with her sexuality, so she gave the child up for adoption. Later, when Rios is home, his newfound niece and her young son turn up on his doorstep. She is on the run from the police, who want her for the murder of her husband. As Rios takes on her case, he also meets a man, John, a builder who was once married, with whom he starts a tentative relationship. The main thrust of this novel isn't the murder Henry Rios investigates; that takes second place to the main theme, which is the mid-life change he makes following his heart attack. It is also about him building a family around him, not the apple pie propaganda of the far right but a real-life family. Rios also becomes a substitute father for his great-nephew. Nava sensitively and insightfully writes about a middle-aged gay man finally coming to terms with his life and exorcising the ghosts of his past. He writes with great insight about Rios' heart attack, not just the medical details but also how it changes a person's priorities through 180 degrees. He also explores what it means to be a father figure/role model for a young child. Not least are the complex and alive relationships in this novel, they are more than mere plot devices, from Rios' rebuilding those with his sister and niece to the emotional minefield with his great-nephew and the tender but no less difficult relationship with his new lover. If you are looking for a tense courtroom mystery, this isn't the novel for you. If you enjoy a novel that explores how people react to unusual events in their lives, how their lives are changed and rebuilt, then I certainly recommend this novel. Find it here on Amazon:

Has anyone come across the story deviant magic?

This is part of the new story entitled "LUCID LOVE" which I actually started writing some time ago. The actual story has changed from time to time, and is somewhat based on someone that I actually that I met a few years ago. No, the story is "FAKE" but some of the feelings and emotional connection are based on this person that knew. The story is MATURE CONTENT and the segment that I'm posting here for feedback does contain MATURE CONTENT. I'm hoping to get back into writing as soon as possible and I'm going head strong with this project as long as the passion burns of course. Even if no one likes it I'll probably keep going with it because I actually enjoy just escaping with my words. -----------------------------------------------------

(mom, or someone else) " I speed-dialled 'DADDY' from your phone - but it wasn't your father that answered!"

Hey everyone, how are we doing? My name is vanalas and i am a new author here. I have already completed one series and i just started my second one. Please, check out 'destined hearts' and help support me, critic me and lead me on the right path. Thank you so much.

Zachary Miller was having a good life until he finally came out, to his surprise his parents hated him & sent him to his uncles... One thing that was said by his uncle before school started was that "Craziness runs in the family kid"

So it's been 9 months. Nine months of growth, evaluation, of distance and of course pain. Does it really matter anymore, they way I feel? You're uncertain and so am I, neither of us knows what the best path will be. You just want me to be be happy, and all I want is you. But I can't have you, you can't trust me. Can't see past the pain I caused you. So now I'm the shattered one, a martyr to my own love.

Hello everyone! My newest story, Shamrock Lite, is out today published by MLR Press. It's a lighthearted and slightly nostalgic homage of mine to the wonderful country of Ireland and its rich lore. You can find the link and blurb below! Amazon http://www.amazon.com/Shamrock-Lite-Albert-Nothlit-ebook/dp/B00UQF1R4W/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1426636816&sr=8-1&keywords=shamrock+lite MLR Press http://www.mlrbooks.com/ShowBook.php?book=ANSHAMRK Shamrock Lite One lifetime of experience, and suddenly magic. Richard has come to Ireland to reflect on years gone by, not to become mixed up in the affairs of the fairy folk. The handsome stranger he meets will not be denied, however. He makes Richard young again- for a price.

Is it okay to feel uncomfortable being around your partner's family or am I being a bit of a prat? My boyfriend and I have been dating for five years, in those five years we have mostly hung around my family. My family is one of those big, loud, overly welcoming types (I have no idea how I'm apart of my family because I'm quiet and bookish ) and my grandmother is always trying to feed everyone . My boyfriend and I couldn't have more different families... On holidays, my boyfriend and I do the double stop thing and that works perfectly for us, because his family doesn't turn gathering holidays into an all day event (mine does). So, when my grandmother told me she was going to visit my cousins for Thanksgiving instead of my cousins coming down...a bit of dread set in for me. Not that I don't love my boyfriend's family because I do its just...hard being around a family that seems so divided. Beside the fact that I'm not going to be around my grandmother (this is a BIG deal for me, she raised me!) on Thanksgiving I'm a bit worried about being around Tanner's father. His dad is well...prejudice and sometimes he says questionable things, plus I find him intimidating. Usually I just ignore it and go about myself because he has never said anything to me personally. Tanner on the other will not hold back going off on his father for "speaking out his ass" which is yet another reason I'm so nervous about Turkey day. I don't want anything to go wrong, but someone usually gets into it when we hang out with Tanner's family whether it be his brother and sister or him and his father. Part of me just wants to fake sick and hide, but I already bought a twenty three pounder. I just want everything to go smoothly and happily with lots of food, fun, thanks and have half awake in-laws laying around my living. Fingers crossed!

After living in south Georgia for eight years its always a surprise when I go back home to Rhode Island. Things in Georgia are so different in SO many ways like: style, manners/ behavior, and acceptances. In Georgia, they have something called "Southern Hospitality" but what most people (non-southerns) don't know is that it only lasts until you turn your back, then everyone's real feelings come out. I'm not saying all of this as someone that doesn't know what he is talking about, but as someone that has witness this first hand (I lived with my southern raised grandmother). A good example of something that is accepted in front of people, but not behind closed doors would be interracial dating. I know what some of you are thinking...who even cares about interracial dating anymore? Well, in the south EVERYONE cares. Its either unbelievable "cool" to date out of your own race or just not talked about at all. Now that you know that let's just throw in being gay into that fun little mix...why not make a math problem out of it? Gay + Interracial Dating multiplied by the State that introduced DOMA (defense of marriage act) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ (divide) = F*ck! The Mason Dixon line This past summer my boyfriend and I went back home (Rhode Island) to see my little brother graduate! It was wonderful to show off my hometown to my boyfriend, but what was even better than showing my him where I went to elementary school was not get stared at. Now, I'm not saying no one stared at us...I mean I'm not saying absolutely no one stared Tanner was wearing cowboy boots, camouflage and saying hi to everyone (that's kinda weird in RI). Not that I really think everyone we past on the street was only looking at the cowboy walking with me, but it did feel less hostile/judgmental...that alone was like a breath of fresh air. NOTE: I am in no way saying it is easier to be gay/bi/les(ect.) and date in your own race. I truly believe it shouldn't matter what sex or race you are with just that there are people involved in the relationship that care/want for each other in some way.

Finally! After over two years of writing only co-works; I was able to finish Ice Fairy all on my own and turn it into a series to boot! It goes up for sale tomorrow at three different sites; Smashwords, Amazon, and All Romance Ebooks. Homework and life are slowing me down on progress on other items; but those will get done too...I promise.

Dating, we all think it’s going to be easy. When growing up we are told we would meet “the one” that would sweep us off our feet. Once you’ve met that person you would just know and everything would work out. TV and movies lead us to believe that no matter the obstacle we all would get that happy ending. As if all you really need is love? No one ever stops to consider who it may be you fall for. Every person has a different story, some stories that may remain a secret. In some cases you meet that person when you are young so when it comes to that story you’re the main character. Then most of us meet someone when we are much older this giving us more of a past. But what does a person’s story have to do with you? When it came to dating for me it was always a different type of story. So believe me when I say nothing comes easy. I always seemed to attract the bi-curious or down-low men, in other terms. When it comes to these types of men we often wonder what it is that makes them hide. Is it what their family might say? Or could it just be the fear of how their friends or others might treat them? It takes a strong man to admit his sexuality and live life the way he wants. Yet that doesn’t seem to hold any of them back from fulfilling that gay fantasy. I knew this married couple, let’s just call them Husband and Wife. We had been friends for many years. It was a type of friendship that knew no boundaries. Wife and I had always been very close and as the years went on Husband and I developed a certain connection. For the most part I never questioned it nor did I seek anything more, until one night at a club Husband made a pass at me. Yes, he made the first move and let me say I was more than shocked. That night Husband and I took our friendship to a new level, we had sex. Now I wouldn’t say he cheated on Wife since she was there. Let me say it was a threesome neither of us expected. For the first few weeks things seemed weird with them. We didn’t hang out as often, plus we didn’t speak like we usually would. Finally Husband reached out to me and we all hung out. I learned that nothing had changed between us. In fact we seemed to have grown closer. One day Wife told me of an article she had read about a married couple that had taken in a boyfriend. In that instance he dated them both, since both men were bisexual. For Wife she was looking for something different. She wanted a best friend she could hang out with while he dated her Husband. Apparently she did love her Husband, but loved watching two guys more. Makes you think right? So what did I do? I decided to try this out and see where it could lead. Husband was a good guy, one that always seemed to make me happy. From what I knew he felt the same way about way me. So begins the time I dated a bi-curious man, well also a married man. Of course this was meant to be our little secret. Most people wouldn’t understand that there was real love between he and I. When it comes to love and marriage religion leads us to believe it must be between a man and a woman. Most people would freak out, not take the time to understand that love knows no sex, nor does it judge. So why are we taught that? Why as children must we be told what is right or wrong when it comes to who you love? I was never one to stay within the mold society put me in. Husband and I began a relationship. Most nights it would be me just hanging out with them at their house. A few times he and I would go out you know a bar here, a drive there. Every night would end with just he and I. Although no one knew of what we had. He wanted to keep us a secret. He came from a close family with catholic values. For months I felt as though I was on top of the world. I had found a man that loved me and now had a friend that understood me. The three of us felt we had overcome what the world expected from us. We had a relationship and two people to count on. I know some gay men would kill for this to be their story, while some women longed to have their gay best friend at their side. Only things aren’t always so happy and worth the hiding. So when I say hiding that meant I was never really a part of that couple. For Wife, I was the one having sex with Husband keeping her from having to, plus we did all the friend things together. Husband had that person he could rely on and not to mention get sex whenever he wanted. To me it felt I had been more, but in a threesome it may not always be what you expect. When it came to dating Husband the relationship had its limitations. It began to seem as if I were just a play thing for them, someone to live out a need. When you become that guest star in a relationship that’s what you are, a guest. Although Husband was curious about being with me and he had been willing to date me, at his level. There was still the fact that I held no true place at their side. Dating someone you feel they would be the one person you knew would always be there, but when dating a bi-curious man you would find you are something different. Yes you were one of the best friends and yes you knew more about them than anyone else. Only did that really matter? For me I had nothing but love for him and he would be the one I’d be faithful to. Only at times you wondered where you really fit into the equation. Sometimes if you date a bi-curious man you may not consistently be at his side, as his girlfriend would be, you may just be that “friend” they hung out with. That was another thing you may not get is the boyfriend title. As the months went on the going out with Husband turned into us all just hanging out at their house. The nights of passion turned into a quickie in the garage or a fast blow job in the backyard. The fantasy of dating a bi-curious married man was now being his sexual release. Not to mention the fact Wife preferred to watch us as she masturbated. Ironically now that I was in the picture she no longer wanted to have sex with Husband. It wasn’t what I wanted more what kept them both comfortable and satisfied, which made sense the marriage suffered once the boyfriend was gone. When it came to this certain relationship, I dated a bi-curious married man for a few months. Now I’m not saying that your story would end this way, but mine did. Every person has a story and every story has a different outcome. For Husband, he saw me as just someone that came to help fulfill his curiosity of being with a man, plus to give him consistent sexual relief. In the next story we will see what it’s like when emotions are more involved. Will you be able to call this love? Or would dating a bi-curious man always just be a fantasy???

This book belongs to Cole: 2007 Standing at the airport in New York. I watched all the other people grabbing cabs, meeting with friends, or others like me excited for what new adventures this place had to offer. It was still so crazy that after only visiting once I moved here. I really had no idea what I was getting myself into. There was no going back now. I had said good bye to my life in Portland, now ahead of me stood my next chapter. Nothing was going to hold me back. It was my time. All those years I made sure to put others first. Yes I moved to Portland because I had wanted to, but I had stayed because others wanted me there. Now that I finally made a move I had to make sure that I always enjoyed whatever it was I got myself into. There was no telling what would happen first. Would I meet someone? Would I finally make the goals I had wanted? Maybe I would find a new desire out here. I couldn’t stop smiling I just wanted to get to my new apartment and get this life started. “Cole,” I turned to find Molly, she had decided to meet me at the airport “this is so exciting, I’m so glad that you are finally here.” “Me too.” I was excited, but also very nervous. I had never made such a big step in my life before. I was very proud of myself, yet I was scared of what this move was really going to be like I had flown into JFK so now we were on our long ride to our apartment. I had never been to Brooklyn before so all this was new to me, seeing the apartments that were the projects, the random subway tracks that stood above us, and all the buildings that covered the ground. I was in such amazement at this place, fear was now leaving my body. I was so excited of all the new things I knew I would be experiencing for the first time. Molly filled me in on the neighborhood, only I could barely concentrate. I was at an awe at the new scenery. To me a place like this had only existed in movies and dreams only now it was real. This was a new life, a new start for me and I was going to make it the best that I could. “Here we are.” I looked around at the street that I would now call home. There were projects not even a block away and a lot of acetic Jewish people walking around. The building next door had a bum sleeping on the stoop, not to mention all the graffiti covering most. “I know it looks a little bad but trust me we are okay.” Molly showed me around the apartment it was very nice. A large living room an actual kitchen and we ironically had our own laundry room. My room was in the front which thankfully had a fire escape to go out on, which I got being a smoker and all, plus Molly didn’t want me to smoke pot in the house. Her room was on the other end good size and closed off from the rest of the apartment. Since she worked nights it made sense to give her that room. Plus the front room was the larger one so I was good. It was actually perfect for the two of us. Once I got a little settled in it was time to hit the town and that we did. Molly took me out to the bar she was working at in Soho. It was nice a little more upscale than I was expecting, but when you know someone that works there you’re set. Here it was my first night in Manhattan and I was not having to wait in a line, I just walked right past everyone into the bar. I couldn’t lie I felt a little important even though I really wasn’t. Molly and I pretended that we were. After having a few drinks there and meeting her new work friends it was off to a new bar. I couldn’t believe what the night life was really like here, as I stood outside having a cig watching everyone else out. People dressed up so elegant while some where dressed like trash. The people of this city were so different. I was curious at what messes I could get myself into. This night we partied as if we were on vacation and that I needed too. I didn’t have work for another week so I needed to learn my new home. It was still so hard to believe that I had actually moved here. The fact that I had done this still surprised me. It was time for me to make that change in my life. As the next few days past I spent them settling in and walking around my block, there was so much to learn between streets and train systems. Before I really took this place by storm I needed to learn where I was. With that being said lets jump forward to a few days. I wanted to find my neighborhood gay bar, so off I went. The closest one was on Metropolitan and Lorimer, we can call it Comfort. Since I was living in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, I wanted to have places close. Now this bar wasn’t that close, but drunk Cole could still walk home. It turned out to be an okay gay bar. It was a very mixed crowd, some nights a lot more lesbians while some nights all hipsters. Every now and then your sexy black guy came through, but their groups never stayed very long. On the slower nights you could always find some guy that kept off to himself and I knew he was under cover. During the week the bar wasn’t too busy so people came to find their little fix. I knew about men only soon I would learn that woman too had their secrets. I had met this girl, my lesbian friend I call Scissor. One night the bar had been pretty busy to the point that if you found a spot at the bar you wouldn't move. That’s where I was, sitting at the bar. I could tell numerous people were getting annoyed with me there, but I didn't care. So I ordered another drink. I turned to see a young girl, tall very skinny with long brown hair. She was an attractive girl and you could tell by her appearance she really didn't take too much time to get ready. None the less she seemed like a nice girl, and that she was. “You here alone?” She turned to me and smiled “Yep thought it would be a different crowd.” “Me too.” we both looked around “how bout we drink alone together.” “Yes.” and we cheered to that. From that point on she and I went out as often as we could. Scissor too had just moved here from Philadelphia and was living not too far from the bar. Most nights we spent just hanging out back chain smoking, drinking, and talking. It was nice meeting someone so fast that I could see being a friend. She told me all about her life and about her many lady friends. I was now learning that sometimes women also hid their curious sides. Scissor told me most times they didn’t want to let men know they were bi, realizing that could open to doors to something else. She had been dating a lot since she had moved here, a lot more than me, which now I knew I needed to step it up. Scissor was now dating this girl named Penny, they had met at some lesbian thing or a party, anyways things had been getting pretty serious for her to the point they were talking about living together. “So Penny is finally coming out here tonight.” She told me one night at the bar, fast forwarding a month or so later. Penny was an older woman from England. She had moved here for work and so far had decided to stay. “When?” “She should be here soon.” We sat in our normal seats at the bar had a few drinks and caught up on each other’s week. It wasn’t long till I noticed a guy standing not too far from us. He looked as if he stood a little shorter than me. He had the sweetest smile I couldn’t help but smile back. For the next few minutes we kept playing that staring and looking away real fast game. He was a very good looking man, his hair buzzed down pretty low, and from what I could see he looked to have a decent body on him, not too fit, but he did look as though he worked out some. “You sexy bitches want a drink?” Scissor and I turned to find Penny standing behind us “Babe,” Scissor jumped up giving her new woman a kiss “Penny this is Cole.” We ordered more drinks as Penny told me all about herself. The two of them looked so cute together it made me want to meet someone. And that was when that guy caught my eye again, only this time he was standing all alone in a corner. I decided why not, why not go and talk to him. There was really nothing to lose. “Hi.” I said as I walked up to him. “Hey.” He said as his smile grew. That was when I realized how cute this guy really was. “I’m Cole,” I couldn’t help but notice that he was looking around the place, it was as if he were making sure no one he knew was there. “everything okay?” “Yeah but I kind of want to get out of here.” “Oh okay.” I was a little shocked, but what can you do? Just get another drink and move on to the next. “Hey you want to go for a walk?” he said to me as I had turned to leave. I stopped and smiled, okay it wasn’t me it was something else that made him want to leave and now I wanted to know. “Sure.” I went over to tell Scissor I was going to head out. She and Penny were also leaving. There was some new lesbian bar opening in the city, Penny was friends with the owner so they were off to continue their night. We walked around Williamsburg. I told him all about my move out here. How I had grown up in a small town and a little bit about my Portland life. He told me he was from Turkey, his family had moved out here when he was very young. He had been going to school in the city and had some real goals set for himself. Of course came the one thing I should have seen, no one knew he was gay. Well only two friends did, two he had met in college. His family and all his other friends had no idea, in fact he had just recently broken up with his girlfriend and had decided to venture out into being with men. I didn’t realize how long we had been walking until I noticed we were in my neighborhood. Molly was working late so I decided to invite him in. Once inside he pulled me towards him softly kissing my neck, his tongue slowly licked up my face till our lips met. His kisses were hard and wet, it felt as if he was finally getting the one thing he had always dreamed of. I wasn’t sure if he had ever been with a guy, by his actions I felt this could be his first. We made our way into my room where he pushed me down onto my bed. The Middle Eastern stood there, let’s call him that since he was Middle Eastern, I watched as he took his clothes off exposing his decent, but very hairy body to me. So far with all the men I had been with they had little to no body hair, not that I mind body hair, I don’t, but this guy was hairy. I had always heard most Middle Eastern men were and now I found out for myself. The good thing was luckily his back was still hairless, well not his lower back which I didn’t care. I thought he was hot and I was attracted to him. He stood there looking a little nervous so to help him relax and get back into the mood I moved down taking his dick into my mouth. I used one of my hands to push his pubic hair back, it was so long and thick plus it tickled my face every time I went down. Surprisingly he had a nice dick not very long, maybe a close five inches, but it was still pretty thick. I could work with this one. He stood there moaning and enjoying what my mouth was doing to him, he smelled pretty sweet. I was doing a very good job sucking his dick and he was letting me know. Soon he pushed me back down onto the bed and began to take my clothes off. I reached over to gather all we would need and got him ready. Once wrapped and lubed up he climbed on top of me throwing my legs on his shoulders. Before I could tell him to go slow he forced his way into my ass, as deep as he could. Not even a slow inch by inch push, it was a slam all the way in, making me cry out so loud in pain, but that didn’t faze him. Each time he pushed he went a little faster and harder. He watched my face the whole time he fucked me. He never slowed down just kept going the same fast pace. I tried to get him to slow down so we could really enjoy, he took that as fuck harder. I didn’t think he could go any harder than he already was. He kept me in the same position the whole time, I moaned and cried. Pain shot all over my body but the pleasure was doing its best to come through. By the way he was fucking made me feel that we were in some sort of race, a race to save the world and if he stopped for a second it could all end. “Oh yeah, oh, oh,” he began to moan which also meant he went faster. Now I was finally getting into it, the pain was all gone, my body was starting to tingle and I could feel his body tensing. “Oh, oh.” he called out then let out a loud “Yes” I could feel him pulsing and twitching inside of me I knew that was it. He had finished, he had gotten his right as I finally got into it. He kissed me and whispered “Thanks.” Then he got up and went to shower. I laid there rethinking our night. Yeah he was a nice guy, yes he was hiding his sexuality, but that didn’t mean he had to fuck me like that. It was odd when it came to a lover like him. Now I knew with females it wasn’t that easy to get them off so if that was how he fucked, how could any girl have gotten off? What I never understood was when it came to sex there were rules to this game, make sure that you please and satisfy the person you are with. If you worry about them and they worry about you then everyone gets what they need. What I was now seeing with some of these under cover or curious guys, it was all about that orgasm. Right after his shower he left not really saying too much but another thank you. I sat outside on my fire escape smoking a cig. I could see him walking to the train “I don’t know, it’s all weird that even in a place so big and open to anything I still met a guy that was undercover.” I was talking to Cynthia on the phone. “Well maybe it’s just because guys can sense something about you that makes them comfortable enough to act out on their fantasies.” “So it’s the curse, or maybe they aren’t gay and are just Colesexual.” We both laughed at my stupid comment. I knew that most of these guys were gay only they would never admit it. If he wanted to stay in the closet and just have some fun on the side then that was his life. I knew what I wanted and needed so I would just worry about me. A couple days had passed before I heard anything from the Middle Eastern, it was a text that he sent asking me to come over, but it would have to be after midnight. Apparently he had two roommates and they had no idea he liked men. He was going to sneak me in once they both had gone to bed, which felt so high school to me, but I was horny and decided to give him another try. Maybe all I had to do was take control and show him how to really please a man. Since it was still early Molly and I went out to get some drinks at the bar that was around the block from our apartment, we will call it DSLR. It was a nice fancy restaurant with a great bar. We made friends with one of the bartenders there, James. He was a nice tall white dude from the south and was now living in New York. He had worked there for almost a year and was really liking it. Every time we went in he would hook us up with drinks. Maybe it was because of Molly, which he would tell me later on that he wanted to sleep with her. So instead of making things weird for them I would just drink and enjoy making new friends. Molly had to work the late shift that night so from there she went to work. I went home to freshen up and relax. James had his break coming up and thankfully he had brought a few joints to work so he came by and smoked me out. We talked about life and goals. I learned he was living with his ex and they were still having sex, but he also had a new girlfriend that had no idea who his roommate really was. Guys had such a weird way of seeing things and how they choose to live their lives. I knew I was just as bad only I was single so I was able to live however I wanted. Now James wasn’t a bad guy he treated both girls good. Still went behind their backs meeting new girls, most men just want more pussy. To me a relationship is where you should have complete trust in each other and never let anyone else ever get in the way. I knew when I finally met the right guy I would show him nothing but love and respect along with only letting him have me. No matter what I had gone through with these guys I still had some hope that there was a good one out there for me. That one day I too would find the one I had always dreamed of. After seeing most of my friends find love I knew I needed to branch out and find what I was really meant for. I really had no idea if it was love or maybe I was just meant to enjoy life and make crazy memories. I sat there waiting for the Middle Eastern to text me the okay to come over. I knew there would be nothing more than just sex so I wasn’t going to try and force anything more. It was just so weird having to sneak around just to get laid. Here I had my own place, plus I was alone, but he insisted on me going there. I didn’t have any problems with the down low part. I was more worried about how to act and what to do if I’m seen. I stopped worrying about all that. I wanted to have sex with him again, he was sexy and since the first time was a little bad I felt maybe this time around we would be better. Now we knew each other’s bodies maybe he would be able to really satisfy me and make me cry his name. He lived far from me so I had to take a car service there, which the distance and the spending money should have been the first sign for me not to go. Once I had finally gotten there I waited outside for twenty minutes. Every now and then I would call the car service to come get me, but they were busy so I waited. I was told not to ring the buzzer or call him, I had to text and he would come down and get me. This guy seemed to not care about any one, I now had no desire to stay and let him have me. When he finally came to the door he stood there in his boxers, he knew what to do to make me want him. He knew I wanted sex so he would tease me and make me want to stay. We went straight to his room. He had two locks on his bedroom door, which he locked “Sorry my roommate just went to bed.” “Yeah well you could have just come to my place.” “Yeah, but I have a lot of work to do right now and really couldn’t leave, but next time,” he moved stuff off the bed and took his shorts off “come on get naked I want to fuck.” So I did as I was told. I lay there and he climbed on top of me putting my legs on his shoulders. Again he pushed in as hard as he could I cried out and all he did was cover my mouth with his hand. No foreplay, no kissing, not a thing, he just went straight to it. He fucked with such force and speed I couldn’t help but moan. He held his hand tight as he went on doing me the exact same way he had the first time. He fucked so hard and was going so fast I had no time to let my body relax and fall into him. I tried so hard to get into it only I couldn’t. “Haaa,” I heard someone screaming from the next room “No, no, haa.” “What is that?” I panicked pushing him off of me. “It’s nothing don’t worry about it,” he said as he turned me around so I was laying on my stomach “my roommate as turrets.” He pushed my head down so my mouth was covered by his mattress then he went right back to what he was doing. I tried moaning but I could barely make a sound. He was going so fast and this time my whole body was rocking back and forth. I just gave in and laid there while he did his thing. It was sad to realize that a lot of people are just bad in bed. I felt after you got started your body tells the other what you want and their body should react to it too. Only this guy had no idea what he was doing, sex just wasn’t fuck as fast and hard as you can, making the other person scream and you’re doing it. He really had no clue what to do. Yes sometimes you just need a man to pin you down and take you hard. He never seemed to want to slow down to just move gently together. I was trying to understand how he felt, was this what he needed? I wondered if his ex-girlfriend liked this, so he figured everyone did. Then I wondered how many men he had actually been with because I was sure by now he would have known how to fuck a tight ass. He finally made some random noise and it was all over, not a word he got up wiped himself off, threw the condom away and went back to his work. He sat there naked with our sex all over him but he worked and acted as if I wasn’t even there. I laid in his bed and waited to see if he would at least help me get off, but he didn’t even look my way. It was as if he getting off gave him more inspiration for his work, so instead of finishing I just got up and left. He did walk me to the door and all I got was a “bye” Nothing else was said only that, talk about being used. I stood outside his apartment waiting on the cab to come pick me up so it was the perfect time to fill Cynthia in on my night. “He sucks.” “Yeah in all the bad ways.” “So what are you going to do now?” “Not see him again,” I finished the cigarette I had been smoking “if the sex were good I wouldn’t mind the sneaking but nothing about this is worth it. It’s so crazy though here I thought being in a place like New York I would meet someone, but these guys always find me.” “Well it’s like your brother said no matter how hard you try or what you do, they will.” Cynthia was right, my brother had always made sure to remind me that these men would find their way into our lives. I would have to keep telling myself no matter what I would just live for the moment and enjoy what the world brought me, even if it were bad sex with a down low guy. “That’s right, all these men are just for fun,” my car finally showed. I was more than ready to be home in my bed “well at least I can check a middle eastern off my list of things to do…..”

This book belongs to Cole: 2007 Things were starting to look like I had made a decision, it was my weekend off which was much needed. Since most of us were off we had decided to plan a fun night out of drinking and dancing. It was still pretty early in the day so I decided to just hang and rest. Out of nowhere I received a text from X. I didn’t respond so within ten minutes he was calling me. “What do you want?” I felt no need to be nice to him nor did I have any reason to care about his feelings. “Dude we really need to talk.” “About?” I did want to talk to him, shit I wanted to see him more than anything. I just had to keep playing the rude card. He was someone that was supposed to be my friend only he used me as a piece in his game. “Not over the phone.” “X, I’ve got stuff to do.” “Can you come over right now?” “Come where?” “I’ve got the place all to myself for the next few hours so it’s either a yes or a no.” I had no idea what I wanted to do. Yes I wanted to see him, but I knew that nothing good would come from it. We needed to talk, there were so many things that needed to be said so many feelings to get out. Would we really talk though? I missed having X in my life and I would do anything to get our friendship back to what it was. In fact I would erase all of the sex. Everything in me told me not to go and not respond. “I’m on my way.” And to this day I wondered why I even wasted my time. I grabbed my things and was out the door. Within seconds he text me his address luckily for me it wasn’t too far. The whole time I drove I thought about what it was that he wanted to say. I also thought about all the times we had messed around, about the friendship we had, the one I missed. No matter what was going to be said I knew that we could never go back. I had to let him know that I wasn’t just going to be there for him to call when he was horny. He needed to know that no matter what, I would still be there as a friend. He would need to show me he cared first. Then the thoughts of him changing and all this working out came to my mind. Now I gave myself a little hope everything would turn out for the best. X was now living with a friend. The place was a mess, you could tell two guys lived there. It was a very small house, not much furniture either. I walked in to find X there wearing only a pair of basketball shorts and you could tell he wasn’t wearing any underwear. I tried my hardest to keep my eyes only on his face. Since I had last seen him he had bulked up pretty big. Apparently he had been hitting the gym almost every day for the past year. He stood there without a shirt on, his nice body was still a little wet he must have just gotten out of the shower. We only talked for maybe ten minutes just catching up a little about our lives “Hey Cole you have to come check out my new computer.” So we went back to his room. All he had was a large queen size bed with his desk, which had his computer and his dresser. I sat there on the bed, so far everything seemed okay yet our conversation never went to anything important. Maybe I had over thought everything, maybe he was trying to be friends and this was his way of reaching back out to me, maybe he too missed me and was wanting to get everything back to normal. It had been a long time since we had seen each other so maybe now he was over all the sex stuff and just wanted the old Cole back in his life. It all did feel right. I was now starting to feel as if nothing had ever changed between us. Maybe we could get passed everything and just start over. He showed me all of the new games he had been playing. He pulled up some pictures of different motorcycles he wanted to get. These were the things I had missed, these were the times we needed to get back. I was feeling as though we were okay, but of course my mind got ahead of me. Soon X stood keeping his back towards me. He then dropped his shorts turning around showing that hard pink dick, letting me see that someone else was also happy to see me. He moved over to the bed sitting so close to me that our legs were touching. We looked into each other’s eyes. I tried my hardest to get up and go I just couldn’t. I had been right before, there was no reason for me to be here. The friendship was done and I didn’t want to be his pass time. I could see in his eyes that he wanted me, that he had longed for me. I told myself this had to be the last time. No matter what I had told myself I had lost, he began to take my clothes off all I did was stare into his eyes showing him I give in, but I would never again answer his calls or text. Whatever he and I had was over, we were nothing to each other and sadly I think we never were. X laid back on his bed while I sat there staring at his beautiful body and his long thick penis. It was crazy that all those years he and I had been friends I had never thought it would lead to this. It became something so wrong yet it felt right when we had sex, it made me feel as though I had found someone that could really please me. I lay down next to him exploring his body and kissing every part of it. I was going to take my time to really enjoy him. I had to make sure this was our good bye. I wanted him to see that this was more than just a way to get off that I knew how to really please him. He pushed my head down then shoved his dick into my mouth. The sweet smell of lavender came from his body. I lay my head on his stomach so he could feed his dick to me. That was when something caught my eye, his web cam was on and I could see us on the computer screen. “What are you doing?” I got up moving to another end of the bed so I was no longer on the camera view. I couldn’t lie I was more than willing to have some fun and record us, but not with him. “Oh don’t worry it’s not recording,” he said pulling me back over so we could get back to what we were doing “see it’s just so we can watch us fuck.” I had to admit it was a pretty good idea. I went back to sucking his dick taking every inch into my mouth every now and then looking at the camera to watch us. Once I could tell he was really hard I got up and moved so I could ride him. He handed me a condom and some lube so I got him all ready then slowly sat down taking him deep into my ass. We lay on the side of the bed so we both had a good view of the screen. It was pretty hot, I looked down and watched his reaction to me as I rode him slow then fast. I moved in a circular motion making sure that my hips kept a good pace, so he could really enjoy me one last time. One of the good things was my ass was always tight so most men were able to enjoy a nice warm hole that felt new. He was far inside of me there was more pain shooting up than I wanted, only soon pleasure won and filled my body. His hands caressed my back helping to move me up and down on him. Our moans filled the room and our passion had taken over. Every time he and I had sex I felt as if he were the only one that knew how to really satisfy all my needs. I knew now since we had been such good friends and not because there was more. He was just a man searching for something that would please him, something that he could always have. In a way I think I needed this more. X grabbed me pulling me off him bending me over so we were both facing the camera. He pushed his way inside with such force I let out a cry. This was different, the heat was stronger there was more passion than I could even remember feeling with him. Each time he pushed into me was hard and seemed mean. He made me cry louder each time. It was as if he needed to hear me, he needed to know it was me. That I felt him deeper than he had ever been before. That I wouldn’t forget him even if I wanted too. It was as if he did it so hard so he knew what it was like to make another man cry in pain and pleasure all at once. I looked up into the camera, it was amazing seeing me there in middle of my highest pleaser. But X, I was able to see his body, you could see every muscle tensing up as he pushed faster his sweat rolling down his body. Watching the faces he made as he gave into me, this only made it harder for me to hold back my release. He leaned over me so our bodies where pressed together, he hugged me close with one arm while he used the other to hold himself up. It wasn’t too much longer till his breathing grew heavier and moans became louder. I could feel his body begin to quiver. Then he whispered into my ear, “Cole I wish I could have you, I wish I could love you.” With those words he pulled out and released, shooting all over my back. I watched him on the screen as he finished, his body so tense and sweaty. His cries of passion filling the room, the faces he made as he came, everything made me let go and take part in his moment. “You want to shower?” he asked smacking my ass so hard it sent chills up my spine. “Of course.” I laughed getting up following him to the bathroom. I showered, but had to make it quick. I still had a few things to do before I got ready to go out. When I got back to his room I found X laying in his bed texting, he had some porn playing pretty loud on his computer and of course it was girl on girl. Now that he had just finished fucking a dude he was all about girls. Guys were funny when they were “straight” it was all about fucking pussy and talking about all the pussy they had. Then sometimes they have another guy on the side, someone they occasionally sleep with and as long as no one knew it was okay. I never understood why people couldn’t be open about their true selves. It was as if they had to only like one, even if they did like both, they had to be all about the girls and be a real men. I didn’t care what they liked, I just wanted my friends to be happy and honest with themselves. The sad thing was from what I was learning that would never be. “So what do you have planned for the rest of your day?” He lay there watching the porn not once looking at me “Dinner with my girl.” “Oh you have a girl?” “Yeah we’ve been together for a while and talking about marriage I just haven’t said a complete yes.” “What the hell does that mean?” I hurried to get dressed. I couldn’t believe what he had said, yeah X seemed to always ruin his relationships. For some reason he liked the drama, but to say almost engaged and the fact that he was now taking that step again was a little sad to me. I was starting to think that he would never be happy and maybe now he should stop and think if a girl was what he wanted. “I figured it’s time to settle plus she loves my son and he loves her, they are spending the day together.” I grew nervous, my stomach turned, and I felt a chill run over my body. My mouth went dry, my head was getting dizzy. I had to sit. What had I just done? What was I really doing here? I should have never listened to him or trusted him. X was never going to change. This was his game and I was forever going to be a piece in it. I just hoped one day I would roll the dice and find a new square that would let me leave this place. “So since I think she is the one I needed to have one more day of fun, which reminds me,” he looked his watch. I hadn’t noticed the nice watch he was wearing I was sure she was buying him nice gifts. X always managed to find girls that would spoil him more than he would them “you remember that older married woman I used to fuck.” “The one with the husband and great job downtown?” X had liked that woman a lot, after the mother of his child broke up with him, which was right after the baby came, he met the older woman at his work. One day she had gone to get something fixed on her car, X had been working for a repair center. That same day they had met she got a hotel room and they spent the whole night having sex. All he was to her was a young guy with a great dick, he could give her sex all night, she would buy him nice things, but he fell for her. He tried his hardest to hold his feelings back, which of course most guys did, he just couldn’t with her. After he came clean she called it all off, but they would randomly meet up for sex, usually every three months. “Yep she’s on her way now.” “Wait so you’re telling me while your girlfriend is out with your son you are here cheating on her?” Now I was angry, how could he have dragged me into his mess? How could someone that I had called one of my closest friends use me for just a fuck while someone that loved him was waiting? “It’s not cheating,” he moved closer to me so we were sitting right next to each other “you see she is giving me a day off from the relationship. She said today was my last day to go off, have fun, do whatever I want and none of this counts then tomorrow we will be back together and engaged.” I had no idea what to say or what to think I just sat there thinking of what we had just done. I couldn’t lie it was a different idea. Something that would maybe help to make more marriages last. So really I couldn’t be mad since she was allowing him to do whatever he wanted. I was upset that he saw me as some piece of ass that he needed one last time. Now that he got what he wanted he would be throwing me out like I was the trash, which hurt. After all the years and all the things we had gone through I was in the same category as his normal hoes. “I hate to rush you but you kind of need to leave, she’s going to be here in less than thirty minutes. I still need to shower and get ready.” I just walked out not even saying good bye to him. I wasn’t even going think about it, all this was, was fun. It was over and the only thing left to do was walk away. No longer having to think whether this would happen again. Now I wouldn’t even have to worry about our friendship or if I would see him, in a way this was our closure. We had taken a great friendship and crossed over to lovers knowing no matter what we said or did we would never be able to go back. Maybe X had always known our friendship was over, even though deep down inside I did too, but never admitted it. So instead of pretending he kept me as just a booty call and now this was his way of letting me go. In some cases you can start having sex with a friend and you both will be able to move past it. Sometimes you can stay friends and not let any weird feelings affect you. Sadly for X and I all you can do is end whatever communication you have, denying you were anything more than just old friends. Maybe there was more to all this than I knew or will ever know, but X wasn’t going to come forward. He was getting married and he sent me out the door. I went with my head high, knowing that I was able to be there for someone when they had needed me, that I too had a friend that had helped me through some of my toughest times. And no matter what I can always look back on some amazing sex, remember the time I had slept with a guy that so many girls had wanted. This was the last time and as I drove off I said good bye to X and a relationship that we would never be able to explain. That night at the martini bar I finally told Cynthia about the whole X thing. We had gone out with Gina to have some drinks. I explained why I had waited so long to fill them in and thankfully she understood “So he’s getting married.” “I can’t believe you two were doing it.” Cynthia said laughing at me. “Well I say whatever. At least you had fun.” Gina said as she took a few drags of you cig. “Yeah I did. I just wish it hadn’t turned out this way.” “It seems as though he can’t even figure out what he wants so why would you want a friend like that?” Cynthia added. “True,” I looked at my two friends, I didn’t need to fight for his friendship I had people I could really count on right here with me “sadly some friends come and go.” “Not us.” Gina said holding her glass up so we three could toast. “To real friends.” We all said laughing and chugging our martinis down. I smiled knowing that I was finally free from something I was afraid to loose, but in a way I think I was more afraid to loose myself. Now I would move forward because there was always something better waiting for me on my next turn……

This book belongs to Cole: 2006 Things with my living situation had changed. At this time only Skyler and I were living in the house. It was nice since now I had two rooms, one was my sleeping room while the other was my chill room. Kitty had moved out with her current boyfriend. He had been a not so nice guy to me and Skylar, but when she decided to move we still supported her. The good part about it being just me and Skyler was I had more privacy. Skyler was going back to school and now was actively dating so he was hardly ever home. Since his breakup he tried to keep himself busy, he made sure to spend more time with family and of course go out to enjoy being single. I’m not going to say how this next person was connected to me nor will I include other people, but Guy was a good friend I had known for years. He was a very strong manly man, he was fit, tall, and completely into outdoors. We would have long conversation, we could talk about anything. He was so open and accepting of anything I felt so comfortable to be near him. On this night it was just like old times. Guy was only in town for a few nights so he needed a place to crash. I decided to let him stay for the weekend, since I didn't have any plans. Skyler was at his parents, so I figured why not. On his last night he and I stayed up late drinking and talking. It was a cool night just perfect enough to be outside. We sat on the back porch telling stories of what he had been up too. So much had been going on for us both, he really was someone that made me have a more exciting outlook on things. He just experienced so much it made me want to go out and do the same. I smoked a few bowls and had some cigs as he went on to tell me more. I was really enjoying my night just hanging and relaxing. After a while we decided to uncover the pool and soak our feet. We had a few more beers and I told him what was going on in life. We had the lights in the pool on so it seemed to be getting warmer. “Let’s get in,” Guy stood taking all his clothes off. He stood there naked in front of me. I couldn’t take my eyes away he actually had a really big dick “get naked let’s soak.” He said jumping into the pool. So I did. I got naked and joined him, I couldn’t believe that I was here sitting in the pool naked with Guy. We talked about people we had dated, people we had been sleeping with, so far nothing promising seemed to be going for either of us. I had to admit I was more excited that no one else was home, I was sure if anyone else had been here this wouldn’t be happening. Although I was sure nothing more was going to happen so why worry? That was when he grabbed me throwing me up in the air so I would go falling deeper into the water. We kept playing around wrestling in the pool. I was having so much fun I had forgotten we were naked. After a while we got out and laid there on the side, it was much colder than I remember. “You cold?” I turned to Guy “Yeah I am.” “Come here,” he pulled me so I was laying against him. I lay there my back towards his front, he held me so close I instantly felt warmer “better?” I nodded too comfortable to answer and too nervous to move. I could feel him grow a little, his dick rested between my checks. There was no way he didn’t know what was going on down there. For some reason he didn’t seem to care. We laid together looking up at the stars not saying a word. We were both pretty excited, yet neither of us seemed to mind. Part of me wanted to start playing with him, start sucking him, would he mind? I didn’t though. I was actually enjoying our little moment together. Guy was making me feel happy and sexy so why ruin something that makes me feel good? Besides I was sure he would make the first move if he wanted. After however long past Guy suggested we go take a shower, when he said that, I didn’t think he meant together “You know what Cole.” I turned so I was facing him, we were lathering up our bodies “What’s that?” “I like hanging out naked with friends, I mean it’s just a body.” “Yeah it’s been so relaxing and calming.” “You are the first gay guy I’ve actually done this with, I was kind of nervous.” “Really? Well that’s understandable.” “It’s always been with my straight friends or girls but you make it easy.” “I can say it’s been a little hard.” “A little,” he laughed grabbing his dick “we’ve both been rock hard isn’t it fun?” “Yeah it is.” so I was now learning Guy liked to be nude. I was still confused with the rest. “It’s natural for us to get excited when we feel another body,” he hugged me again “you see the moment we touch we both get harder.” I looked down it was true. Although we had done nothing to each other our bodies were reacting “Cole I know some times you fuck with straight guys and I want you to see that sometimes it’s just to have an orgasm. See,” we got out of the shower and went to my room. I was more surprised to see him crawl into my bed “we could fuck right now I’m hard and ready but it wouldn’t be right.” I laid down next to him, he pulled me closer and held me tight again “I’m completely straight and when I want to cum I’ll fuck, but you,” he whispered to me “just lay here and you will see what else two men can do, out of a close friendship.” We held each other the whole night. I woke up off and on, he was still hard. It took so much to not go down and take care of him, yet like he said he was comfortable with this. I would not be the one to ruin it. I felt Guy and I were good friends it was nice to see that no matter what there can be trust. So I would just go back to sleep and be glad to feel a real man’s body. “Damn,” I awoke to Guy laying there looking down at us “our dicks are still hard.” He laughed for a second then took his hand and started stroking it. I did the same. I lay there watching him, I didn’t care if he watched me or not I was just excited to get to see his dick big and hard. Every now and then we would look at each other and smile, I never once tried to touch him. Just laid there enjoying the view while enjoying myself. Then he got up on his knees where he was directly on top of me. He started jerking faster till he shot, he grabbed my head and put the head of his dick on my tongue making sure his load didn’t go to waste. It all shot into my mouth and all I could do was swallow this straight man’s huge load, when he let go I did too. I accidentally got it on him thankfully he didn’t mind. He just suggested we took another shower which we did after that I made breakfast. He told me how he had never jerked off for a gay man before and probably never would again. I smiled, happy it was with me. He then went on to tell me of his next travels, where he was going to live now “Cole we all need to make changes, sometimes it’s only us that can take control.” Once we ate he was off to his next stop. I would randomly see him throughout time, but he and I have never lost touch. To this day we still chat and plan to meet up again. As long as we are both on our journeys we would have to make a pit stop to see each other. I have never told anyone this story and now it is out, I’m sure people will wonder who it was, but I will never say. A couple of nights later I was hanging out at Cynthia’s, we were standing out back of her place having a smoke. I just kept thinking about Guy wondering how nice and different it felt. Guy had been traveling, when he wanted he would just leave. Maybe he was right, maybe time was coming for me to make a change in my life, but that would take a lot of thinking. Since Cynthia and Will were living together things were getting a lot better. I was so glad that they finally had worked everything out, soon, they would start a new life. It was amazing that they had found each other. Every time they spoke about it Will would throw in “maybe we should move?” even though Cynthia wasn’t against it she just wanted to think it over. She had lived in Portland her whole life. She didn’t know what to think…..

This book belongs to Cole: 2003 Once I graduated from high school I made the move from a small town to the city of Portland, Oregon. I have to admit at first I was scared and very nervous. It was hard to leave the life I had known for eighteen years. Only soon things would start to fall into place and I was more than excited. I had a feeling that my life was now starting to make some sort of sense. The first few days I kept my guard up. You have to when making a huge life change. After the first week I already met the person that would forever be my best friend. Cynthia, she and I were the same age, in fact we were only a day apart. Cynthia had been born and raised in Portland. The moment we met we were instant friends. We found that we had so much in common. It was honestly as if I had found my other half, the one person that would truly understand me. Cynthia was the most caring and understanding person I would ever meet. She had this special personality that always would brighten a room, regardless of the mood. It was nice to have met a person that never held any judgment. She was probably the most laid back opened minded person I knew. I had to admit, it was she that really helped me to grow into the person I was now, along with helping to really except myself for me. Everyone that knew Cynthia loved her, they all said she was the kind of person you always wanted around. She was someone that you could always trust. We had a friendship that was stronger than blood. Luckily for me I had made another friend pretty quickly that was my family, Gina. Gina was also Cynthia’s cousin. She too was carefree and lived for the now, as we did, and like me she too had a very strong bitchy side. The three of us lived together and spent hours hanging at the house drinking, smoking, and dancing. With us only being twenty and Gina turning nineteen there wasn’t much for us to do on the weekends, honestly when the three of us were together any moment would be a time to remember. Cynthia and I, as we would say, had taken over Portland. Living life to the fullest. There was never a boring moment when we were involved. Between the three of us we always made sure that everything was exciting, from the random house parties, too the many bars or clubs we would venture out too. Having friends like this we knew that nothing or any one would ever be able to come between us, these were the kind of friends you really needed in your life. Throughout the years Cynthia, Gina, and I would find ourselves in numerous different types of situations. We did have a good circle of friends. With the different people we would meet I began to discover who I was and the power I could hold over men, straight men, guys on the down low, aka on the DL. “You have the curse.” My brother once told me. “The curse?” I asked more confused than anything. “We all have it,” my cousin added “it's something we three are born with. Straight men want us, they have to have us, and they will use us.” “So remember,” my brother said “never allow them in and just enjoy them for the moment.” “Yes,” my cousin said smiling “that is one thing that we all need to remember, that men are just for fun,” he was in the kitchen mixing a few more drinks for us “we need to keep the same mind set as these men do. Not give them any type of affection just play their game.” “But why does it have to be a game?” I thought. We are brought up to believe that we will find true love, the one, your soul mate. I was still in my early twenties so I had plenty of time to worry about that. For some reason these questions were always running through my head though. “Well,” my brother got up to grab our drinks “a lot of men can’t really accept who they are so they will hide behind a woman and see us on the side,” he lit his cigarette, “plus with us coming from a small town they will never come out.” “And it doesn’t help that we allow them to do this.” My cousin warned me. “And some people would want what we have and see it as a gift.” At this point of my life I would see it as a gift as well, I mean what gay man didn’t want to have sex with a “straight” man. It was so forbidden and you knew the whole time you shouldn’t be doing it, yet you did anyways. Knowing that they wanted you and that they needed you, plus it was something they only got every now and then turned the passion so much more exciting. In the beginning there were a lot of different parties we had gone to. One we had to leave Portland and travel to Corvallis. At this point in our lives the three of us were single so we were more than ready to party. Since it was a pretty far distance we decided it would be better to party on the drive there. We arrived to a large house in the middle of nowhere. At least fifteen minutes from a town. The place was already packed with people. Some of Cynthia’s high school friends were hanging in a large room that had a pool table so we joined them for a while to chug back a few drinks. The night went on and the drinking never stopped. One of Cynthia’s old friends a girl named Jean and I were playing pool when some guy came in. He just stood there watching us play. He was pretty good looking with dark hair and you could tell under his clothes he had a decent body. He asked if he could play along with offering us more beer. Of course we took the beer. Jean decided after two beers it was getting late and she was ready to leave. It was pretty late, it was nearly three in the morning, but he and I started our game anyways. Most of my friends had gone, Gina had gone back to Portland with the other girls. Cynthia had wanted to hang out more, so we stayed. The guy I had just met played pool with me for a while talking about life then it hit us, we were starving and needed to find some food. Thankfully he had a car so we were off to find whatever was open at this time. The drive was much further than I remembered on the way here. I thought it was only a few minutes from town yet it seemed to take us forever to find the city of Corvallis. Soon the conversation switched over to me being gay and how he is more than comfortable with having gay friends. In fact he went on to say that he would probably let a dude suck him off if the mood was right. “What about now?” I asked trying to sound a little flirty and also curious “want me to blow you?” “While I’m driving?” “Hell yeah,” I moved a little closer “think of the excitement.” I didn’t even wait for him to respond I started to undo pants and pulled his dick out, he maybe hit six inches and was on the thin side, but I didn’t mind. I took him into my mouth, which was very easy to do. He instantly began to moan. Thankfully he was still doing a good job driving. I made sure to suck him good making him so wet, showing him how much greater it felt to have another man do it. Like most men would say head was better from another dude than a woman. It didn’t take much longer till he finished, it was probably only a five minute blow job. He grabbed an empty cup and shot his load in it. I sat there smiling at myself. We finally made it to a fast food place that was open twenty four hours, we grabbed food and headed back to the party. I ate everything on the ride back I guess I was that hungry. When back I found people had all passed out. I found some my friends sleeping on a couch, so I went over and curled up next to them. The guy disappeared somewhere in the house I really didn’t care I was drunk, tired, and needed sleep. It was starting to get light out. It felt as if I had only shut my eyes for a second when my phone rang startling me awake, it was Cynthia, it was eight am and we needed to get back to Portland. We both ran around gathering our things getting ready for our long ride home. After a couple of months the Corvallis parties came to an end. The other times we had traveled down there, each party was crazier than the first. I did see the guy I messed with every time there he just never said another word to me. Honestly it didn’t bother me. It was just funny that he had to act weird. I never understood why men made it that way, so what I sucked your dick it wasn’t anything serious. To me it was just two guys having fun and he wanted it too! I wouldn’t go talk to him nor would I even try to do anything else. I just played his game and avoided him. After maybe a month we never saw any of those Corvallis people again…..

This is the powerful, touching story of a young gay man's struggles to survive, beginning as a child in the suburbs of Ohio, then moving on to the bright lights and big city of New York. Throughout his journey of life, Nick Buchanan encounters some difficult obstacles, painful hardships, and discovers the ins and outs of show business while trying to make it in an often exciting, but sometimes devastating world. After nearly giving up, Nick discovers a new sense of strength and resilience that comes from facing his fears, standing up to prejudice, and learning what genuine love and respect for himself truly are.

Trials and Tribulations Chapter 3 is now posted. A story about the trials and tribulations of Andy Collins and friends as he confronts his sexual orientation in a small mining town of Pine Hills nestled away in the Appalachian Mountains of Eastern Kentucky. Trials and Tribulations

Life's curves I don't know, I get so confused sometimes. I listen to people talk, read stories (fiction, i know) and like all stories there's usually a grain of truth in them. They do came from someone's experiences. Like it's been said, there's nothing new under the sun. Years ago I admitted to a friend that being gay scared me not because of what other people thought, since I had been through so much already by the age of 27 to worry with opinions not my own. It scared me because I never saw any older gay couples and I didn't want to die alone. I think the fear of dying alone made me reach out through the internet to feel close to more people since I was limited at home. Through all the chemo, radiation, and other crap I had to deal with, I was always scared of dying alone. I mean I knew my parents would always be there for me, but I mean that someone, that special someone. Yet the more I learn about life, the more I feel alone. I don't even know why I'm writing this. I'm not in remission yet, but I should be soon. So, I guess I'm getting better. There's still the bone marrow transplant donor to find and do. But, things are looking better again. Yet, I also see now that I missed out on so much as a teenager. I think I would trade my life today to have had a normal life as a teenager. Making all the mistakes and finding the new experiences. I guess I'm making a fool of myself. Tonight I set up most of the night reading a long story on nifty and envied the characters, even the sad ones. At least they got to experience life. I guess after so many years of battling my battles, I'm starting to become a little bitter over it. I do treasure my online friends, even some of the old guys that pretended to be teens before they either literally died from old age or disappeared. Life isn't always fair, in fact, it rarely is. But, I have to have the hope and belief that if you pour yourself into life, in the long run, it's all worth it. I am however real enough to know that's not always true. And it saddens me to see people have to deal with the worst life can throw at you. I wish the world wasn't like that. And like I said earlier, I dunno why I'm writing this, but here it is, raw, unedited me. Please, if you feel you can't take anymore, it will get better. There's nothing life can throw at us that we can't over come or find a way around it, it will get better. Nothing last forever, including the bad times, it will get better. Reach out to someone, talk to someone, share your feelings, it will get better. Never ever give up, it will get better. There are organizations that are there to help us through the bad times, it will get better. The Trevor Project is just one of those, reach out to them, support their work, it will get better. The Trevor Project

Love, we all believe in it and hope one day to find it. While growing up we will learn many different types of love, from your family, the love of a friend and of course the love someone special gives you. In stories we are told that one day you will find the one and all will begin to fall into place, as if there really is just one person that will come sweep you off your feet? This often leading you to believe that out there only one person will ever love you fully. So why is it when we are single you see yourself differently? Why must we be down on ourselves because we have not found love? Throughout life many people will come and go, while at times we may think what we have found is true love. So really how do you know you’re in love? In my opinion there can be levels of love you feel for another, each one for a different reason. I had a friend once tell me they felt each man she had loved helped to prepare her for the one she ended up with. This made me think back too the different men that I had felt there had been some kind of love with. Before I wrote about someone called X, although that was somewhat more of a friendship there was still some else more. I’m not sure I would say I was in love, but there was love between us. We went through a lot together so what it grew to steamed from a kind of love. It made me think of the time of life and the events we were both facing. There had been a lot of ups and downs for us both so when we were there to pick up the pieces it created a love. With your friends you do love them and then if sex is involved it changes the entire game. Now why is it when it comes to love we see it as a game, the game of love? I often wondered was that because we seldom won and when you lost it was a gamble? With X it always felt as if it were a game, usually he held all the cards and never allowed me to roll the dice. So in all honestly this could only be considered as a love of a very close friend, one you had sex with. Even if you both did have feeling for each other and felt a strong connection you may not be in love, but who’s to say with X any ways. The way we depended on each other or how often we had sex made you believe it was more than just a friendship. I knew I did love him and from his actions I knew he loved me as well, but that love wasn’t strong enough to hold us together. When it comes to dating bi-curious men most times it’s just for the fun, yet there are times your feelings truly do get involved. Each man is different some just look for the thrill of the experience, but there are a few that also are looking for a little more. There was this guy I dated we will just call SI, he was a very sweet man, but also on the down low. For him though it was more of the fact he was still figuring himself out, along with trying to see if he preferred men over women, since he was bisexual. When we first met no one knew about him yet, he was still unsure himself, although from the first day we hung out we both felt this connection to each other we had never felt before. There was something different about SI not only was he a little more open about his sexuality, he was also more open about me. We began to hang out quite often and let me tell you the man knew how to take you out. Every date was more exciting than the last and each time he grew more comfortable with the possibility of settling with a man. SI wasn’t afraid to meet my friends, plus when we were out he made sure people knew we were together. When you finally found a man that was excited to show the world you were together you did all you could to keep him happy. Together SI and I made sure we both were happy, it was as if we had found the one, the one you thought may never come. Each time we went out the connection between us grew stronger and the sex was probably some of the best I’d ever had. This was turning into a real relationship and I was nothing but excited for the outcome. Of course life never allows you to be truly happy because soon SI had some family stuff to take care of and he left New York for a while. We wanted to wait for each other only he felt that was unfair to me so we took a break. The promise was once he returned we would pick up right where we left off, let’s hope right? Dating men in general can be very confusing most men find it hard to express the smallest of emotion. There had been this guy that I call Man, Man was the type of guy that showed you all of the romance and made sure to share his feeling with you. When we first started dating I felt everything was going in the right direction, not only did he make sure to plan nice dates, he also did all he could to make you know he was interested in you. He said the right words and had a way of making you feel as the most important person in the world. The thing that was different about Man was that he began to use the word love very early on, in fact he made sure we both did, for a bi-curious man that was a first. It was nice finding someone that wanted this as much as I did and as the months past he only made sure to make me fall for him more. So was this really love, or were we just in love with the idea of it? Either way he was the first and only man that I had ever met who rushed a relationship to the level we ended up on. I always assumed he was just a romantic or even someone that just really wanted a relationship then you wonder if it could have been love at sight? The love with Man was a forced love, one he craved for his own satisfaction and in the end he did make me fall for him. This love was not the same has I had felt for SI, shit even X. Every person will bring a certain love to you, some may be for good reasons while others may be to help you grow. In a way I guess to teach us what true love really is. The way I see it each guy you date and fall for may not be the one, or even anything more than a friend, but there is love there. We are human we want affection and in all honesty we can’t control who gets into our hearts or who we may care for. Something we all forget to do when thinking back at the lost loves of our lives is think what was it that they actually provided for you? The first thing we think about is why they left and could I have done anything different? Next is always how are they now and what are they doing? The third thing always is the I miss them and thinking what the future could have been like with them. We all do it and trust me I know I have many times, its like we need to have some sort of fantasy in our minds that we need to hold on too a little longer. I often felt we do this to ourselves only because of the fact that they got away from us. Friends always used to say your heart will always want what it can’t have, so does that mean our hearts don’t understand love? Love can be a strange thing one that is hard to let go even when there is nothing left between you and the other person. Whether you are dating a bi-curious man or not you can’t be too sure as to what you are really feeling. Take this other bi-curious man I was seeing for a while it was this guy I’ll call FL for first love. Now this story I have yet to tell and chances are I may never, but one thing I will talk about is the love we had for each other. This was one of those secret relationships you have in high school, you know the kind where you feel you need to hide your true feelings since someone was still in the closet. I was out back then already and sadly to this day I’m sure he still hasn’t told anyone. We had a thing that started when we were both young, you know that curious time where you had to be sure as to what you really wanted. Now as we both grew up the feelings we had grew as well, making it harder to say goodbye to each other when we both had to go our separate ways. The first love is always one that really makes you think back and remember the happiness it brought you. So dating bi-curious men can always be fun but the times that love gets involved it doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s a bad thing. Look at the men I spoke about each one gave me a certain type of love and helped me grow to be where I am now. X showed me that love between two good friends could lead to more which sometimes can be the one thing you needed. People say a good relationship can come from a good friendship. Even though X and I didn’t last long it helped me to accept the fact that friends can fall in love. Then look at SI the one man that showed me love from a DL man can still be about romance. The love we had helped us both to only seek something that would truly satisfy you, in fact his love made me realize I was worth it. SI only wanted to keep me happy and make sure I needed for nothing. The love we had was something true, a love you often don’t find, but it gave me hope and sometimes that is all you have. Man was the love that was on the border of lust. The kind that was more of a sexual love that made you appreciate a man that wanted to please you and make you feel beyond good. Although this love wasn’t anything to really think about or long for it still showed you a man can love you and give you the kind of sex you only hear about. With Man I will always look back at the little love and the amazing sex we had together. So it in a way it was the love of sex and passion we had for each other. FL’s love is the one that will always leave you searching and looking for another love. In all reality this is the love that makes you crave something so much more. If you really think about it the first love is always the one that leaves you wanting more while being happy you were able to love at all. Most first loves will never last but it leaves you happy that someone gave you that love you were unsure you would ever find. Love can be a funny thing and at times we find ourselves doing any and everything to keep it. So what happens when you think you have found the one, but you may not be the one for them???

Secrets, we all have them and for some reason we feel obligated to keep them. Even after the friendship has ended or the trust has been broken. I guess we always hold on to that little hope that we may go back to what once was. With friends we often hold all their secrets as they hold ours, only what happens if you become the secret? What if you are now the thing they must be kept hidden? At times we never stop and think about that, its always the secrets we hold. What of the other person? So ask yourself this, have I ever been the secret? While dealing with down low or bi-curious men you are often one of their biggest secrets. During the time when we are trying to figure out our sexuality you never let that question cross your mind, it is as if you really don’t mind. When we get older and begin to really date someone you start to wonder what this relationship really is then you may come up with a different relationship in your mind. Sometimes we think if we put it out there it will happen, you know the whole positive energy thing. Only how far can that really take it? Men for some reason find it much harder to accept that they may be gay or bisexual which leads to them creating these secrets. So trust me when I say I have been that secret more than I can count, yet three men stick out in my head more. Now it wasn’t because of the fact I was a secret more or less the reason why I had to be one. First one that came to mind is the guy I knew I just call Hairy, why you ask, because he was extremely hairy. He was one of those very sweet and caring men, the guy you knew would make the perfect boyfriend. Now we had been friends for a while and honestly I had been there for him during some crazy times when it came to his family or girlfriend. What can I say I always try to be a great friend for everyone, maybe I shouldn’t have? After a few weeks of helping Hairy out with his crazy family and his annoying girlfriend he decided to take me out for a nice dinner. Of course he stated it was a thank you meal and I believed him. It turned out being a fun night, not to mention a fancy restaurant in midtown. Sometimes I wondered about him and is preference when it came to dating, I mean he always joked about dating me. So after this first dinner he made it a point to take me out at least twice a week for about a month. Then the early morning text messages began and the phone calls just to check in. For the most part I feel into this and allowed him to slowly make me the man he secretly went out with. One night after dinner Hairy drove me home and as we sat in his car he finally made a move. He kissed me and after all we had been through I couldn’t fight back. We sat there for a good ten minutes lips locked while our hands searched the other’s body. Finally he stopped and that was when he came clean and told me what he was wanting this to be. Apparently he had been trying to figure out a way to not only sleep with me, but to create a special relationship between us. He liked men and only dated women because of his family. You see he came from a very wealthy background and in order for him to get his inheritance he had to marry a women and have at least one child. For years he had kept the same girl around to hopefully get his money. He promised me that once he had he would buy an apartment, a place for us, he would make me his boyfriend, although he would marry the girl, and we would spend as much time together as we could. He told me that I was the man he wanted to spend as much of his life as he could with and that he would be able to leave the wife once he had everything. Don’t get me wrong it was tempting and it was nice to meet a man that was welling to jump through hoops for you. Only this wouldn’t be a real relationship as long as I was to remain the secret it would never be anything real. He would keep me in the shadows and still live the life he felt he was supposed to in public, how great is that? I mean really how many lies must you create just to get everything you wanted? Not just that what about the wife and kid? Being a man’s secret lover was one thing, but to be pulled into a while secret life and potentially family made this secret one that could really hurt a lot of people. I may have gotten myself into some crazy situations before only this is too TV movie even for me. So Hairy was welling to have a secret man for the rest of his life, he was okay with lying to the world only to get what he truly wanted, money. Really how important is money or acceptance from people that wouldn’t love you for you? If you are okay with setting someone else up only to be left alone in the dark how could I be sure it wouldn’t be me in the end he threw out like the trash? Hairy was a nice guy and all, but I was about to create a whole life that could only destroy someone else’s. I said no and that was when I saw the true man behind him. First came the fighting then the threatening if I told anyone. Second was the mean and nasty comments about me, he trying to put me down as much as he could. Third was he begging me to change my mind and promising me more then he could probably offer. Lastly came Hairy blaming me saying I made him think he was gay and I was crazy. All I could say was bye and that was the end of him. The next guy was this man I call V. Now V was your sexy, well off New York business man, the kind of man you saw on TV and the movies. He had that sexy tatted up body, which he kept hidden under his expensive suits, and the personality that you dreamed of, not to mention we had some amazing sex. He was that type of guy you heard stories about so when he made the move on you, you knew you had to have him. So when he told me I was someone he wanted I couldn’t say no. I know, I know this wasn’t the best thing to do. V and I create a secret relationship, one that went on for a few years. Now he wasn’t as available as I would like, but he made sure to talk to me every day, it was as if he understood how to make this work. On days I felt alone I would randomly receive a gift from him. Then when he knew he wouldn’t be able to see me when I needed he made sure to plan the best date I had ever gone on for the following weekend. He did more than just impress me, V made sure I would never consider leaving him. In all reality this could have been the perfect relationship, one where you could see yourself settling down together. He was one of those successful men that always had a certain front people knew him by. Everyone saw him has this macho, athletic, woman’s man, kind of guy. I heard the stories of all the girls he had before and all of the girls that threw themselves at him. V was the man that every guy looked up too, the guy they all wanted to be friends with. It was as if every time he came into a room people demanded he know them so they could say they were friends. I guess I could honestly say V had the perfect life, the girl to show off, a great job, people that wanted him or wanted to be him, and now a man on the side. So just because you had this persona people saw do you really have to live up to it? Why is that? Why must people worry so much what others think or say that they would actually live a lie? So you would rather be unhappy and drag other people down with you? I guess the real problem was why was I welling to fall into this mess and allow him to use me when he needed. The thing was he knew how to keep me happy and what I needed to feel this was real, sadly it would never be what I wanted or needed it to be. Some people may be okay with actually being nothing to a person, besides a person to fulfill a fantasy with. At this time I really didn’t think I could handle that anymore. I’m not sure if he ever sought out another man for his secret boyfriend all I knew was it couldn’t be me. The last guy I actually didn’t understand the reasoning behind him wanting to even keep our friendship a secret. I’m just going to call him L, so L and I had known each other for a few years. He recently was going through a divorce and had been taking it pretty bad. Only that didn’t stop him from his dating a few different girls, or so he told people. One day he was upset about a girl he was trying to date, or should I support. Apparently they had gone out on two dates which meant dinner and shopping of course he paid for everything. So when she decided she wasn’t feeling him he came crawling to me for support. It’s funny how these guys always saw me as that shoulder to cry on. Since I was being the good friend I decided to take L out for some drinks and let him get everything off his chest. So after at least three drinks L was more than ready to open up and let me tell you the things he shared with me were very surprising. He ended up coming back to my place where he continued to complain about his life and how much he hated everything in it. Soon he went on to say how important my friendship had become to him and he was thankful for me. So when he asked to spend the night and if I would hold him until he feel asleep I said yes. After that night L started coming over a lot more and he was calling me every day, multiple times in fact. I was starting to look forward to our conversations and we actually had fun going out. The funny part for me was that even though we were just friends L kept me a secret. None of his friends knew about me and I was never invited out, unless it were just he and I. I did invite him out when I had something going on and all he would say was it would be better if people didn’t know, didn’t know what? Maybe he was one of those guys that didn’t want people to know he was friends with a gay man or the fact that we cuddled at least one night a week. Our friendship went on for a few more weeks and then things changed. One night L and I had gone out for a few drinks. When we got back to my place was when we moved into the physical side. To my surprise the next morning he woke me up kissing me, in fact we had sex again a couple of times. So much for him being straight, then again maybe he was just curious? Now was when L and I became more like boyfriends, he started calling me babe and made it very clear I could not see any other men. Whenever we hung out we would have sex, and of course he did all he could to keep me in the background of his life. L was actually treating me pretty good for this being a secret relationship, he knew how to be an amazing boyfriend. I wasn’t sure as to why I had to be this big secret, okay maybe now that we were sexual I could see why. Then I look back to when we were just friends and wondered why I had to be hidden then. My guess was that he must have had feelings for me before and wasn’t sure how to react. Or maybe he just needed someone and had nowhere else to turn, since I was a good friend he let something more happen with me. Yet that still didn’t answer as to why he wanted to keep our friendship a secret. The secret relationship L and I had created went on for only another month or so. Finally I worked up the nerve to ask him why he never wanted people to know he and I were friends. Then I asked why he allowed our friendship to change into a relationship. The last question I asked was if he really saw something serious with me or if this was just his way to fulfill a fantasy he always had. Sadly L provided me no answers, he became angry that I would even consider this anything real. Although he did say he never wanted any of his friends to know he was gay. He left and to this day we have yet to talk about what really went on between us. All I know is he blocked me and I did try to reach out to him once just to check in, which I never got any responses back. Three different men that chose to keep me a secret in their life, all for very different reasons. Hairy, was gay and only wanted to make sure he got his family money. V, bisexual that wanted to have it all. Then L a gay man so afraid to admit he was that he would do all he could to remain straight. So in a sense looking from the outside in you would think these were just your everyday bi-curious men that wanted to enjoy the company of another man, only we don’t stop to think what secrets they are truly hiding? We all have secrets, but how far would you go to keep one? Some men decide to stay on the down low and fulfill that urge once in a while, then you have a few that want a secret relationship with a man. So let me ask you this, what do you think would happen if their were actual feelings involved? What if someone feel in love?

Friends there isn’t anything you wouldn’t do for them. When growing up they become your second family, in fact they can be the people you count on the most. If you look back we all had that one friend that you could never say no too. In most cases it’s someone of the same sex, only being a gay man it can be a girl. Now for me I always had that one guy friend as well. You know the one friend you knew you had each other’s backs, yet sometimes you had to question how far the friendship would go? I had this friend I’m just going to call Bro. Now with Bro I wouldn’t call it a relationship, it was more of a Bro-mance. I had met him while living in Brooklyn and at first I was unsure if he and I would even be friends. I had been told by many people he was a little homophobic. So at first I made sure to just treat him with respect and not spend too much time with him. As the weeks began to pass Bro and I learned we had a lot in common. We seemed to be able to open up with each other more than we could with other friends. What can I say you should never judge people off their sexuality or the gossip you hear. You honestly never know why they may have come into your life. With Bro there was a reason why we both had, only I don’t think we fully understood the why. Our friendship began to grow throughout the years and we became the others best friend. There wasn’t anything we wouldn’t tell each other and we spent most of our free time together. It was beginning to feel as if we only had each other out in this world. When it came to bad dates or horrible breakups we were the first person the other would call. Having a friend that you could truly count on is a must. For years we were those friends that spoke every day. There was honestly no secret that we kept from each other, or so we thought. With a friendship like this you often wondered why you would need anyone else? It made you feel as if you would always belong. Even when one of us found ourselves talking to someone we made sure to always include the other. Not saying third wheel type, only looking at it now it really was. For Bro and myself things began to change one night when we went out he was sure he had found a girl to go home with, sadly things didn’t turn out that way. We went back to my place as he complained the entire time about how horny he was. I played it all off as any friend would so back at my place we drank some more. He was the first to crash so when I was ready I climbed into the bed next to him. Yes, we usually slept in the same bed, I mean why not we were friends right? The moment my head hit the pillow it happened. Bro got on top of me kissing me so forcefully I couldn’t help but give in. That night we crossed a line most friendships didn’t, yet it felt right. Only I don’t think either of us ever thought this would happen. A close friendship between a straight man and a gay man usually only stayed a friendship. The thing was we had something closer than most which was why I should have paid more attention to our actions. Look at Bro and I as the years went on, so we hung out together more than we ever had with someone we were actually dating. Yes, we enjoyed the others company, but shouldn’t we want to be with a significant other more? When it came to needing help or someone to lean on we seemed to be the others emergency contact. It was as if we had this unspoken commitment to the other, one stronger than any other bond we had. At times we’d joke about living together and just having fun. Whether it be whoring it up or just partying we figured we’d be happier together. Now what straight man would suggest that with a gay man? So after our first night of connecting on a sexual level Bro disappeared for a few months. I knew he was going to need to figure things out. I mean he had just had sex with his gay best friend and he’s supposed to be straight. That could make anyone think and trust me, I was too. There wasn’t a day I thought about it and why we hadn’t stopped.I decided as Bro took his time away from me I’d leave him alone. He needed to get over things in his head and I too wanted to find understanding in this. Now I wouldn’t say there were feelings between us, yet I was starting to see our friendship differently.Finally the day came and Bro wanted to meet up to grab a drink. The best thing was once we were together it was as if nothing had ever happened. Neither of us brought up that night nor did we question the time apart. We were just the same friends back in our Bro-mance. We drank and caught up on our lives. It was nice being out with him. Bro always seemed to know how to put me in a great mood. That night we once again took the step into sexual territory only this time he seemed more eager and interested in what we had. Maybe all Bro needed was some time away because from that night on we were back to what we had always been. We began to spend almost every day together it was almost as if we both needed each other more than we were willing to accept. There was this unspoken thing between us. Like most bi-curious men he would never admit nor say this was anything more than what made him comfortable with it. Bro and I had truly made a new type of friendship/dating between a gay man and a “straight,” or should I say bi-curious man. We had all the best qualities of a friendship, yet we had the best parts of a relationship. Nothing about this Bro-mance bored the other we went out a lot and of course we had sex multiple times a day. I felt lucky to have Bro as I did in my life. Nothing seemed to stand in our way I guess when it came to us we had destroyed all boundaries and created new rules in this called friendship. Here I thought we had beat the game and showed the world it didn’t matter who you chose to be with.As things felt that they were coming to the best life throws you a curve ball. A Bro-mance, a private and special relationship between two men, in most cases, whether they admit it or not, sex may be involved. The two of you can and will do any and everything together. With this type of friendship no one’s judgement will matter, in fact all that you care about is what your bro thinks. Bro and I had a great Bro-mance, yet there is still a lot more to this story. Some stories will always continue on and with Bro you will need to find the rest. You see when it comes to certain stories we often feel they are better left a secret, but really why do we keep secrets? Secrets, we often feel out of respect you keep them for the people you cherish the most. In the case of Bro I kept our secret, in all reality this is the first time I’m telling the story. So let me make this clear I’m not telling my Bi-Curious stories to expose people more or less to share experiences. You see I have many secrets some I had chosen to keep hidden. Only now, with this story and the next, I felt it was time to let you all see what it’s honestly like to date a bi-curious man. I feel most tales have it all wrong, it’s not all happy endings and falling in love. The secret is they really are just secrets, while with the truth, do you think you will be able to handle it???

Ask yourself this, what does closure mean to you? As we saw before some questions can be left unanswered while some feelings may be left unspoken. When we part ways with another person, no matter the reasoning we will always be stuck in our heads wondering what we did, or how could this have played out differently, right? In most cases the best thing to do is let it go and move on. Only we have feelings, even if you try to hide them, they are still there. There will come a time we can no longer fight them and soon they all will surface. Why do we as people allow this to happen? Why must we inflict that type of pain or sadness on each other? My guess is it helps you feel like the winner, as if you finally had the last word. But what happens to the one left to deal with all the pain and questioning? I had this friend I just call Mess because every aspect of his life was a mess. Now he was a nice guy not the most handsome, but tried to make up for that with his worked out body. I didn’t know his girlfriend nor did I know how he treated women. I heard through people he was always cheating and making more drama for himself then needed. I won’t get into that, unlike what people say I don’t gossip. I just tell my story as I can. Mess and I hung out often and confided in each other. It was nice having that friend you could talk too, yet was also not connected to any other friends you both had. A few weeks after he and his girl called it quits again he came to me looking for a friend. He was crying harder than I had ever heard another man cry before. All he wanted was to speak to her one last time. He wanted to know all the whys and if he could fix this. She had blocked and deleted him out of her life this time so my guess was she was officially done. Only I wouldn’t be the one to tell him that. Since I too was going through being dropped by someone I was more then welling to be that friend. I knew we both really needed a shoulder. A few days of us complaining over the phone he suggested we try something. Since he felt we both had so much to get out. At this point anything that would help I was welling to try. I, as he wanted to get over the recent events of our love lives. He felt if I pretended to be the ex-girlfriend, he could get his remaining feelings out, then he would be the guy that left me. If we had someone to yell at and ask all the questions maybe then we could help the other deal with the present outcomes. So we decided the next morning we would no longer be the friends we were, but now the exes that needed to understand the reasons for ending our relationships. This probably wasn’t a good idea. The next morning I woke up to a text message from Mess all it said was, “Morning baby, again I’m so sorry can we talk?” Since I was playing the upset girlfriend I didn’t respond. Which only meant an hour later he text me again saying, “Please give me one more chance. I love you and can’t do this if you are not here!” I guess he was taking this very seriously so I figured it was time to get involved. I text him back, “You hurt me more than anyone else ever has. How can I forgive you?” He responded, “Give me a chance to explain. Let’s meet somewhere tonight to talk and I promise you can say whatever you want to me okay?” I didn’t text him back for a few hours. Figured I needed to play this just the way she may. Although if this were actually the guy I was hurting over I’d play this completely differently, but it was Mess and I wasn’t going to beg him to come back. When I felt the time was right I sent a message back denying his request to see me. He began to call me over and over to the point I had to turn my phone off just so I could relax. Sure we were playing a part for each other only we should have set boundaries. Once I felt it was okay I turned my phone on to find a voicemail of Mess crying and just saying please a few times. So the next morning I text him and said, “Tonight we can talk, but that’s it.” He responded quickly stating he would pick a place for us to meet at. That night I met him at a bar not far from my apartment. The moment I walked in he was smiling and treating me as if I were his girl. He apologized multiple times while offering explanations to every bad thing he had done. And let me tell you as he spoke I saw why she had left him. In all reality I wouldn’t even take him back. Now I wasn’t going to be mean and treat him the way she had been. He had come to me for help and I would do my best to help as I could. Once he was done he allowed me to speak. I went off on the things that had hurt me while doing my best to act as if what he had done was the root of my problems. It felt so good to get everything out and by the way people were looking at us I could tell they believed us. It was beginning to feel as if Mess really had been my boyfriend and everything bad the others had done was all from him. I did all I could to play the victim to his games. He walked me home and that was where he hugged me tight whispering in my ear that he loved me a few times. I knew that was because of his girl, but I couldn’t lie it felt nice to hear. We parted ways and I was feeling like I had helped a friend accomplish the closure they had needed. Until the next morning when Mess text me saying, “Thank you for letting me see you last night. I love you more than my own life. I think we can make this work just please let me try again.” I smiled and didn’t text back. A few hours later he called and when I answered he was crying. He kept calling me baby and again was begging me to take him back. I played it all off as I were her while saying the things I thought she would. Now I didn’t want to stroke my own ego, but I was doing a good job. For a moment there I was starting to feel this was all real. So when he asked me to let him take me out I of course said yes. Don’t ask me why. We went out that night for dinner then we went to a few bars after. He walked me home only this time when we were at my front door Mess kissed me, yes that he did. It wasn’t just a regular one it was a hard kiss of wanting. One where hands were all over the other and your tongues danced. The funny thing was neither of us fought back in fact we kissed for a good five minutes. Something must have snapped in his head because he pushed me back leaving me standing in my building alone. This is where our friendship took a turn from what it was. Yes it had started out helping the other deal with issues from a current breakup, yet now I was starting to feel as if we were dating. We began to go out every other night. Not to mention talking on the phone every night before bed and a wake up text from him. We began to use our real names and no longer called the other the name of whom hurt us. It felt odd when we both felt we had to check in with the other, along with asking for permission to go out. From this little thing we played we ironically became boyfriends. Mess began to send me sweet messages throughout the days and took me to fancy restaurants for dinner. Then after every date ended with us standing in the hallway of my building kissing for a few minutes. As the weeks passed he sent me flowers and little gifts, which of course made me happy. I felt he had actually transformed his feelings from his ex-girlfriend to me. It was nice being treated like this. Only I knew it wasn’t a good idea. That feeling I should have listened too. One night we went out and he kept the drinks coming. Mess told me about a trip he wanted us to go on and how he wanted to take care of me. It was when he started asking to move in with me I felt if we didn’t stop this now someone would get hurt. The entire point of this was to help the other heal not to get wrapped up in someone else. I had decided that after this date I would tell him we needed to end this. I mean what straight man wanted to be doing this any ways? The dates and gifts where one thing it was the kissing that took us to a completely different realm of friendship. I should have told him sooner because we both ended up getting really drunk and somehow I invited him up. Nothing was said he pulled me to him and our kissing began only this time it was more intense. Part of me didn’t want it to stop after all we had been doing my body just felt sex was next, but I didn’t want to cross that line with him. I could tell he had been expecting something because soon his clothes started to came off and as he pulled at mine I stopped him. I asked if he really thought we were dating or if he just needed to get something out of his system. Mess became angry and got dressed while accusing me of cheating and that was when I reminded him I wasn’t her. He laughed and told me he knew that then he left. I didn’t hear from Mess for a few days and when I did all he said was, “Thanks for helping me out man. I think I’m good. We’ll chill later.” So I apparently had helped him out in his time of need and for that I was glad I could be there for a friend. So the best thing for me to do was to let him go and be himself. Since it was all supposed to be a game I too would be good with the fact we had gotten things out. Only a few days later he called me crying again and this time he said if he didn’t see me he would do something to hurt himself. I know he was playing a part but at the same time after everything that had happened I figured it would be better if we hung out. Now we did hang out once more only for that piece of this story you will have to wait and see what happens. When it comes to friends we always do what ever we can for them, so ask yourself how far would you go for your friends? Every story is different and every bi-curious man will take you on a different adventure. I know Mess and I didn’t actually date, in a way there was dating involved. But I couldn’t give you all of the juicy details right up front.…