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Showing results for tags 'hopeful beginnings'.
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Nervous tonight. SP has to work tomorrow evening at his second job so our Valentine's date is tonight. Shaved my beard down close -- it hasn't been this tight in decades -- because he thought the longer one I had made me look older (probably did). He knows how long I've worn it that way and that this is only something I would be doing for him. Will leave here in about 30 min to go pick him up. Much more nervous than I thought I would be. Made sure to have his card and box of chocolates in the car; his flowers will be delivered to his office tomorrow. No idea where we are going to eat -- he arranged all of the evening plans.
Warning: This is me whining, but trying to get my thoughts in order by writing them out. I left work early today not knowing if I was going to start screaming or crying; or just start doing both. This week has not been a good one. The weather keeps shifting back and forth by large jumps so the joints can't get back in balance before the next front hits. This is keeping my pain level above normal, and that is increasing my depression, and that is increasing my level of irritation. Partly because of this and partly -- I think -- because of the increased feelings for SP, C has been on my mind a lot the last few days. SP knows something is up because he reminded me he was there if I needed to talk. I wasn't going to because I don't want him to think he's competing for my love with a ghost, but I'm finding that to be deceitful; lies of omission. So I've decided I need to talk to him about C being in my dreams and how that relates to our beginnings. I'm pretty sure that SP will understand where these things are coming from. I've already said that my love for C will always be there. That won't fade as my love for SP grows, and he is aware of that. He actually brought up polyamory, and that is what led to that conversation. It's nice to be dating someone who is open to the idea of polyamory and the possibility of finding a third -- for the long term -- once our foundation is set. I Will Love You by Gin Wigmore came on this morning and I thought I was going to break down in my office - "So if you die before I do, I know the heartache will kill me too. So if I ever live again, It will be to find you." My brother sent a txt this afternoon telling me to call him when I had a chance. He never does that so I knew it wasn't good news. They brought dad from Skilled Nursing back to where he's been living for the last 9 years. Both my brother and I thought his memory would be better once he was back in familiar surroundings, but... doesn't look like it's going to be. He really didn't remember the building. He remembered the tractor in front of his door and a few other things but asked if he had lived there before. He didn't quite remember the person who's been cleaning his room for the last several years (who was sweet enough to come see him when he was in the hospital). Dad's also lost weight (11 pounds), which isn't good, and he's not as strong walking as he has been just a few days ago. Something is still wrong with his back. Nothing is broken but there's still too much pain for there to be nothing wrong. He did ask my sister in law if "this place can take care of my needs" so there is some self-recognition that he is going to need help. A good chance he'll be moved either to Assisted Living or Nursing Home in the morning. I know my brother is bothered by this, as am I; but it's the best thing for him. I need to try to call my brother back and get more info. He had to hang up when we were talking this afternoon because dad needed something. I hope to see SP tonight, but it probably won't be until tomorrow. I know I'm a mental mess at the moment. I need him but, at the same time, am afraid of letting him see me in this mental state.
I’m never really sure what I should write about in blogs and that’s probably why I’ll create one, write an entry or two and then meander off to some other project. But I am searching for discipline when it comes to writing and I think keeping a blog will help me gain control of a functional but rampant imagination. Well, that’s the hope anyway. Originally, I thought that my first blog should be about me but that idea sounded pretty boring. After combing the dark recesses of my brain, I came up blank; there was nothing really that stood out as absolutely needing to be said. So I decided to just wait and not push the issue because it’s not like I was required to write blog posts. Later, while killing time over on Tumblr, I stumbled upon the perfect topic. I randomly came across this pretty interesting tumblr and the more I read, the more intrigued I became. The focus of the blog is to pinpoint the homophobia and racism that happens almost daily within the gay community and honestly, if I would have found this a couple of years ago, I never would have believed it. At that time, I lived in a relatively self-sustained gay environment. It wouldn’t be a stretch to say I could go weeks at a time and not interact with a heterosexual person. It became almost like a veil in that I could appreciate the issues affecting gays but they were pretty far removed from my everyday life. It wasn’t until I moved back home to Louisiana that I began to notice a problem. It began with this guy I fancied. At first, I thought he was pretty cool; he liked anime and video games, he had nice hairy legs and a reasonable outlook on his future. He was a horrible speller (I'd like to think I'm not nearly pretentious enough to judge someone on poor spelling but this was… bad.) And yet, I still enjoyed hanging out with him. Until one day, in the middle of a department store, we passed by this adorable little baby gay and a friend. The baby gay was probably about 15 or 16 and clearly just becoming comfortable with who he was. And as he passes, my friend says, under his breath and in a dramatic whisper, “What a faggot.” I stopped cold; in fact, I took no voluntary action for a few seconds while tentative bridges we'd been building began to smoke, smolder and burn. I asked him to repeat what he’d said even though by this time it was clear I’d heard him and, I’d imagine by my facial expression, was disgusted by it. He immediately changed his sneer to a grin. But it wasn’t just an isolated event. I started noticing it everywhere. You can’t throw a pixel on a gay dating website without crashing into the words “straight-acting”. This phrase, which I find extremely asinine, seems to come pre-loaded into ‘About Me’ sections these days. And if it isn’t that “str8-actn”, it’s “masc”, another fallacy of fantasy. The very first time I ever came across the phrase ‘masc only’ I spent a good 20 minutes trying to decide if I qualified to reply. I could change my own tires and oil but I wore rainbow jewelry. I’d moved all the furniture in my room by myself but I also had vocal accompaniment by a veritable playlist of divas and provided my own choreography. I learned two important things in that 20 minute period: 1.) I was smack dab in the middle of the scale and from then on referred to myself as a ‘tweener’. 2.) I don’t care how attractive a guy, if it takes that much thought just to say decide to say hi it’s probably not the best use of my time. I also began to wonder why these terms became so prevalent of a distinction when it came to us dating one another. I tried to write it off as attraction, blame it on Hollywood’s conditioning and wash my hands with the subject. And that works… until you stumble upon the profiles that shun effeminate men. When it’s put all together, it looks something like “Me: str8-acting, masc. You: str8-acting, masc. No fems, flamers, fags, queens, etc.” but it reads as one horribly homophobic heterosexual male seeking another heterosexual male for homosexual acts, which makes no sense. Now I am going to take a little spin with conjecture here and say that there is a lot of fear in these profiles. I find it hard to believe that any fully-realized homosexual can hate another gay person because the outward manifestation of their sexuality has reached and surpassed a certain threshold. I don’t believe in “too gay” but I do believe that you can spend so much time trying to blend into society that anyone who stands out can be seen as threatening. I am not forcing anyone to be attracted to someone they just aren’t attracted to but I am saying you shouldn’t hide behind a generalization. And have a little tact. Yes, it’s the internet and anonymity means it’s possible to be absolutely awful to someone and still believe in personal virtue. But there are more than enough opponents of nearly any gay situation so why not go be awful to them? And just for the record, of all the times I have heard someone refer to themselves as “straight-acting” or “masculine", less than a handful could actually make that kite fly. However, this particular tumblr shines a much needed (albeit militant) spotlight on this situation and takes the piss out of guys who are just too rude to care. Like my date, who actually saw nothing wrong with what he’d said. And I was even more embarrassed as I think the kid might have heard him. When he tried to use the “it’s okay because I’m a gay man” excuse, I called him on the bull. It’s never ok to make another person feel like crap, especially when no gay person is really exempt from discrimination. The more effeminate among us already take enough shit from the rest of the world; as the more easily identified, they’re the first in line to be pushed and tripped in the halls, harassed and worse… much, much worse. And now they get to be the dumping ground for homophobic homosexuals? Where’s the ‘equality’ in creating a caste within the gay community?