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Showing results for tags 'hopeful'.
Found 3 results
Nervous tonight. SP has to work tomorrow evening at his second job so our Valentine's date is tonight. Shaved my beard down close -- it hasn't been this tight in decades -- because he thought the longer one I had made me look older (probably did). He knows how long I've worn it that way and that this is only something I would be doing for him. Will leave here in about 30 min to go pick him up. Much more nervous than I thought I would be. Made sure to have his card and box of chocolates in the car; his flowers will be delivered to his office tomorrow. No idea where we are going to eat -- he arranged all of the evening plans.
Warning: This is me whining, but trying to get my thoughts in order by writing them out. I left work early today not knowing if I was going to start screaming or crying; or just start doing both. This week has not been a good one. The weather keeps shifting back and forth by large jumps so the joints can't get back in balance before the next front hits. This is keeping my pain level above normal, and that is increasing my depression, and that is increasing my level of irritation. Partly because of this and partly -- I think -- because of the increased feelings for SP, C has been on my mind a lot the last few days. SP knows something is up because he reminded me he was there if I needed to talk. I wasn't going to because I don't want him to think he's competing for my love with a ghost, but I'm finding that to be deceitful; lies of omission. So I've decided I need to talk to him about C being in my dreams and how that relates to our beginnings. I'm pretty sure that SP will understand where these things are coming from. I've already said that my love for C will always be there. That won't fade as my love for SP grows, and he is aware of that. He actually brought up polyamory, and that is what led to that conversation. It's nice to be dating someone who is open to the idea of polyamory and the possibility of finding a third -- for the long term -- once our foundation is set. I Will Love You by Gin Wigmore came on this morning and I thought I was going to break down in my office - "So if you die before I do, I know the heartache will kill me too. So if I ever live again, It will be to find you." My brother sent a txt this afternoon telling me to call him when I had a chance. He never does that so I knew it wasn't good news. They brought dad from Skilled Nursing back to where he's been living for the last 9 years. Both my brother and I thought his memory would be better once he was back in familiar surroundings, but... doesn't look like it's going to be. He really didn't remember the building. He remembered the tractor in front of his door and a few other things but asked if he had lived there before. He didn't quite remember the person who's been cleaning his room for the last several years (who was sweet enough to come see him when he was in the hospital). Dad's also lost weight (11 pounds), which isn't good, and he's not as strong walking as he has been just a few days ago. Something is still wrong with his back. Nothing is broken but there's still too much pain for there to be nothing wrong. He did ask my sister in law if "this place can take care of my needs" so there is some self-recognition that he is going to need help. A good chance he'll be moved either to Assisted Living or Nursing Home in the morning. I know my brother is bothered by this, as am I; but it's the best thing for him. I need to try to call my brother back and get more info. He had to hang up when we were talking this afternoon because dad needed something. I hope to see SP tonight, but it probably won't be until tomorrow. I know I'm a mental mess at the moment. I need him but, at the same time, am afraid of letting him see me in this mental state.
As a young child, I was an avid reader and a book hoarder. By the time I was nine, I'd already accumulated over 800 books and counting. My mother allowed me to read whenever and whatever I wanted, which was the best thing she could've done for me growing up. Though my 6th grade teacher had a problem with my reading, "The Color Purple" during class, I continued to read on. I read so much, I decided I wanted to become a writer, one of the many professions I wanted to do growing up in the 80s and 90s. I decide I'm going to write, by creating and developing stories, people wanted to read. Writing about characters who could be anyone you passed on the street, but also not making the character so generic that storylines could be predicted. I told my mother that I wanted to start writing. I honestly thought she was going to laugh in my face. Instead, she dug out her old typewriter and bought my stacks of white paper, along with whiteout. I would tap, tap, tap on that typewriter until all my thoughts were on paper. I'd written about 200 short stories and book over a five-year period from the age of 10 to 15 yrs. old, never letting a soul read what I'd written. Too nervous to hear people's opinion, I guess. It was two years before I wrote again. It was my junior year of high school and my creative writing class was asked to create a short horror story, nothing too long but had to be longer than two pages. Well, I go on to write almost twenty five pages because I'd developed these characters in my mind and knew what I wanted to happen. Everyday in class I would add to this story and my classmates would read the story over my shoulder wondering what I was writing about during the class. When the story was finished, my teacher was so impressed, he wanted to submit my story to a young writer's contest. I was excited. My teacher liked my story so much, he thought I might have a chance at winning in a contest. Then I drummed up all this self-doubt in my gut, I told my teacher not to submit me in the contest and it was the last thing I wrote. I lost my passion for writing and with it, my love for reading. I went on to go to school for broadcast radio and my second love, culinary. I went about my life. If it were for the internet I can honestly say, I wouldn't have started to write again. On the internet, you can be anyone and no one knows. It allows you to seek out avenues you wouldn't necessarily do in person. Gay literature is this avenue for me. I wouldn't say I'm obsessed with the gay lifestyle but intrigued. To me relationships are the same for all couples straight, gay, bi-curious or whatever. What any one person in any relationship wants is love and acceptance, without the pressure of being something they are not. I watched my colorful gay TV shows but wondered if there was something more I was missing because most of them seemed one dimensional. I watched youtube.com and watched overseas gay shows and saw so much more depth than what I was getting in the USA. Then I ventured into the gay literature realm. I found it reawakened my thought process for writing but I was still apprehensive. What would I know about being gay and writing about it, I don't. But I do know what I would want in my relationship and it's love. All I have to do is write about two characters who love each other and the rest would come to me. Of course, I would have to do research about certain aspects and hope I portray it accurately. Then I came upon a website a year ago; an author by the name of robcub32 and his amazing story, 'Timber Pack Chronicles'. This is how I wanted my own characters to be in my writing. Loving and faithful, working to try and overcome hurdles in their way. I finished reading all of his stories and was inspired to write one of my own. It was about two months' ago, when I started writing the first chapter of my current story, 'Aaron's Dilemma'. I'd started to write it initially to be a short story but found I couldn't do it. I had to make it longer and more layered. It wasn't until I followed robcub32 (Rob Colton) here to gayauthors.org, when I started to rework my story and post the first chapter online. When I received my first positive feedback and I knew I'd found where I should be. I never thought I would have people like and care about the characters, I'd created. I hope I can take my readers on a journey with them, through their ups and downs, wondering how they themselves would handle any situations my characters find themselves in. I don't think I'll ever be this unbelievably popular writer, but I hope I can garner a few fans, who respect my writing and my stories. As long as they're reading, I'll be writing.