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uggggg..... Going to the in-laws this weekend. I'm not out to them or that side of the family. Don't plan on it either (at least not in the foreseeable future). I have been wearing a binder just about everyday for almost a month now, all men's clothes (and accessories and deodorant ect), even at work. Even just packing from me "girls" side of my dresser is making me feel uncomfortable. Trying to find the balance between 'comfortable and ME' and 'feminine enough to avoid any awkward questions' is stressful. I mean I've known them for over 7 years and I've always dressed 'tomboy' so it's not like they will expect me to show up in a skirt but with my hair being so much shorter and styled in a very masculine cut I feel pressured to dress extra feminine to counter act it. I'm feeling slightly disphoric just picking clothes out of my dresser knowing I'm going to be wearing them. Trying them on to see if they even fit (comfortably enough to wear) feels shitty. Also they have a pool, and there is a big BBQ tomorrow so we spend all day outside by the pool. OMG BATHING SUITES SUCK. I feel anxious and stressed (and I'm sitting here in a pair of boxer briefs and a muscle shirt) just thinking abut it. This weekend is going to suck. I'm also a little nervous about the hubby's reaction. He has been so amazing and supportive about this whole thing. It wasn't much of a change because I usually dressed masculine at home anyways. But it's been a while since hes seen me 'girl' I'm worried he's going to realize how much he refers it and misses it. I'm worried he won't be so cool once we come home and I go back to being ME. Chest binder and mens clothes. Ugg I have to wear a real bra! I've been wearing sports bras when ever i wasn't binding since May this is going to be so weird. just... fml.... okay, rant over.

From the time I was old enough to choose my own clothes I preferred my brothers. Baggy pants and t-shirts, long shorts, hoodies. My interests and hobbies were those that would be considered masculine; sports, action figures, super heroes, camping, hiking. I have a very distinct memory of playing Barbies and putting them in the jeep and pushing it down the stairs. My mother definitely thought it was odd. My preferred friends we're boys and my favorite cousins were boys. I was a tom boy and that was okay. When my friends and I played pretend I was always the boyfriend, bad guy or brother. When I was 11 I cut all my hair off, because honestly it was just a hassle. When I hit puberty, a little earlier then mos girls in my class, I began wearing baggy zip up sweaters to hid my boobs. I didn't understand the other girls fascination with clothes and I had no interest in dresses or trying my moms make up. I was rougher and tougher and more independent then most of my friends/ girls I knew. I hid my body and hated wearing bathing suites. I was from the big city and this was a small town. I had a single mother. I had an older brother who was a bit of a bully. I was from a low income family. There were a million reasons I came up with for why I was so different. And a million reasons why I didn't give a fuck about the bullying. And oh boy, was I bullied. For all those things and more. But I never let them know it bothered me. Then I discovered boys. And that boys liked GIRLS. I let my hair grow long. I learned to use basic make up and let my girl friends dress me up. I shook my butt and tuck out my boobs. Oh, don't get me wrong, I was still a tom boy. I still preferred sports and my closest friends we're still boys. I only dressed up on 'special occasions'. I was my male friend's 'little brother' (true nick-name). There was actually one time when me and one of my guy friends and his gf went on a long bus ride and she got bored and did my make-up. Afterwards she asks him what he thinks and he goes "sometimes i forget you're a girl". True story. When my friends complained about boys I usually understood where the guys were coming from and often thought the girls were being overly critical or holding unreal expectations (they can't read your mind!). I hated talking about my feelings and I found myself seeing thing in a totally different was then my female friends. I was still rougher and tougher and more independent. A little bit more reckless. I slept around (when I was single) and didn't give a crap about being a lady. In fact I was mostly proud that I could be 'one of the guys' and often described as 'not like most girls' . I still got bullied for being that way. My Mom and my Grandmother and the women in my family told me I would be so much prettier/ popular/ successful if I just 'put on a little bit of makeup', if I just wore more feminine clothes. All the adults in my life warned me 'boys might not like my tattoos' . And even though I was in great shape (from being so active), with a 'nice rack' and a tight butt. Even though I had beautiful hair and a sweet smile and wide color-changing eyes. Even though boys and girls alike told me I was pretty/ attractive. Even though I never hurt for dates. I still had body image issues. I still preferred to cover up and I still felt something was 'wrong' with my body. I still looked in the mirror and hated what I saw. Even though I fit into society's outline of how a young girl should look to be considered pretty, I was not happy or confident. I never understood why. I was lucky my insecurities about my body were off set by my pride in my brain and my emotional strength. Things could have gotten real bad otherwise. I never felt the need to starve or harm myself. I was able to accept that even though I didn't like myself physically I liked who I was on the inside. I was lucky I believed that was more important. I am 27. I am a wife and a mother of a 5 year old boy (who is more feminine then I am). I still hate my body and get along better with men. I understand how my husband thinks (most of the time, hes a little immature). My hair is super short, I prefer baggy shirts and jeans, sports bras and long shorts. I read stories/books about gay men because I relate to them more then ones about women. Sometimes I have fun doing myself up all pretty like, hair and make-up and tight jeans. I have a slight obsession with boots and shoes. I enjoy painting my nails and everything purple. I enjoy rom-coms when the mood hits me. Alecia Moore (Pink) is one of my idols, I enjoy bubble gum pop, boy bands and yes, even Taylor swift and Alanis Moresette (okay maybe Selena Gomez has a couple really catchy songs too). And I have learned I am not alone. I am not abstract. I am not strange or weird or off. There are others like me. And now I understand WHY. There has begun a huge movement regarding gender identity and gender expression. I have learned so much about this 'thing' that I never before knew existed, a way of being I always thought was me being weird. I learned that your sex is your genitals and your gender is how you feel. I learned that sometimes your sex and your gender don't line up. I learned that there are SCIENTIFIC FACTS that support this. I identify as non-binary. Some days I'm a girl but most days I'm a boy. I AM A UNIQUE SNOWFLAKE, just like everyone else. Expressing MY OWN IDENTITY is not a call for attention (the purple/blue/red/pink depending on the day hair maybe is though). Being thankful THERE IS A NAME FOR IT and that I'M NOT ALONE is not making things up. Asking you to respect WHO I AM is not attacking you, your family, your religion, your morals or your way of life. Wanting to tell other people and share what I have learned so NO ONE ELSE EVER FEELS WRONG AGAIN is not rubbing your face in it. Finally being able to not only ADMIT MY BODY IS WRONG but also UNDERSTAND WHY, is not jumping on the band-wagon or participating in a fad (I have always felt this way!) AND I AM NOT HURTING ANYONE